01x11 - Teddy Bear Scare

[bunniefuu]

[cheerful music begins]

[handcuffs clicking]

[studio audience laughing]

- I tell you, sheriff

it weren't me doingthat cattle rustling.

- Well, fess up andI'll set you free.

- Here you are, Harry.

Meatloaf Parisian.

- My food's here, Web,

so get these cuffs off of me.

Where's the key?

- There is no key,just this letter.

- What does it say?

- "Dear consumer, due toour company relocating

in Fort Worth, our factoryis not in full operation.

We will mail you the key tothe handcuffs in three weeks.

Thank you for your patience."

- Why do I come here?

[chuckling]

♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to givemore than I wanted to ♪

♪ Spending my time ♪

♪ Just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh, it was you, ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leapwithout taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right inline, sinker and hook ♪

♪ Never thought foreverwas the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you, and me, and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you, and me, and you ♪

♪ It was you, and me, and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

- Honey, I'm home.

Sorry I was late, but...

Oh!

[studio audience laughing]

Webster, we are not amused.

Come on out, Webster.

- Hi, ma'am.

- Hi, Webster.[studio audience laughing]

Well who could be in there?

- Looks like George.

[studio audience laughing]

- Are you going toget out of that?

- [George] Darling,I'm stuck in here.

Webster, will youdo me a favor please

and give me a hand?

[clapping]

[studio audience laughing]

Very, very funny, Webster.

Well, I fooled you.

You thought I was Web.

- Are you having fun?

- Fun, it was scary in there.

I don't know how DanielBoone ever did it.

Well, I must be on my way.

- Hold it, Campfire Buns.

[studio audience laughing]

- Sweetheart.

This is my pokernight, remember?

And the guys are waitingfor me to take their money

and I don't wannadisappoint 'em.

Toodaloo.

- Well, wait, wait, wait.

That's verythoughtful my darling,

but what about the tent?

- Tepee, sweetheart.

- Whatever.[studio audience laughing]

- Well, it wasoriginally for Web,

but okay, you canplay with it too.

Ta-ta.

- Good luck, George.

- [George] Thank you.

- Webster, why is there, um-

- [Webster] For my camp out?

- Camp out?

I thought you werehaving a pajama party.

- Yuck.

Pajama party is for girls.

This is a camp out.

Guy stuff.[studio audience laughing]

- I beg your pardon?

But I mean, isn't it alittle early for the tent.

- Tepee.

- Whatever.[studio audience laughing]

I mean, the camp outisn't for three days.

- I wanna be prepared.

It's my first sleepover.

Don't you remember the firsttime you slept with a bunch

of guys?

- Yeah.[studio audience laughing]

- I mean,

it's, it's awonderful tepee tent

and I'm sure you'llhave a great sleepover.

- Yeah, I guess so.

- You guess so?

- Well, I'm kind ofworried about Teddy.

He doesn't likesleeping without me.

- Well, why would he have to?

- I can't let come'cause of the guys.

- Well that's ridiculous.

Webster, these areour camping grounds

and as far as I'm concerned,

there are teddy bearsin these here woods.

- You don't understand, ma'am?

- Oh?

- Guys make fun of guyswho sleep with teddy bears.

They'll think I'm a baby.

- Well then, we'll just haveto do something about it.

- Yeah.

- Something clever.

- Yeah.

- Something sneaky.

- Yeah.

- So, you and Teddycan be together.

- Yeah!

What are we gonna do?

- I don't know.

[studio audience laughing]

Wait a minute.

Yes, I do.

Look at this.

Here, wait a minute.

Give me Teddy.

We can put Teddy right in here

and nobody will everknow he's there.

- Wow, you're sneaky.

- Thank you.

- And it's a goodthing because I can't,

I mean, Teddy can't sleep alone.

- You know what, Webster?

Why don't you go inand put on your pajamas

and then we'll get inthe tent and watch TV.

- Yay!

[doorbell ringing]

- Well, if it isn'tSmokey the Bear.

I hope you're not planningon wearing that this evening.

- I was thinking ofpajamas actually.

- Chortle, chuckle and guffaw.

[studio audience laughing]

Well, I see Georgebuilt himself a study.

[studio audience laughing]

- Jerry, what areyou doing here?

- Katherine, haveyou forgotten CACOSS?

- CACOSS?

- Consumer Advocate Committeeon Supermarket Safety.

You are tonight'schairperson of the caucus!

- I'm chairingthe CACOSS caucus?

[studio audience laughing]

- Ofcourcus [chuckling].

[studio audience laughing]

- Oh, Jerry, whoarranged all this?

- Well, Zach Backusthe president

of the CACOSS.

[studio audience laughing]

- I thought the presidentof CACOSS was Farcus.

- Farcus was the past president.

He died three months ago.

- Marcus Farcus is dead?[studio audience laughing]

- Yes, Backus replacedFarcus and asked you

to speak at the caucus.

We marked it in ourcalendar weeks ago.

- We may have putit in your calendar,

but we did not put it in mine.

- Oh, yes we did.

- Read it and weep.

- All right, we didn't.[studio audience laughing]

[indistinct], we are frail.

[studio audience laughing]

- They probably understand,

but we also have a problem.

- We do?

- Yes, George isat his poker game

and I'm stayinghere with Webster.

- Hi, Jerry.

You coming to play too?

- No, no, not tonight.

- Too bad.

We're watchingGilligan's Island.

Six hours, no commercials.

[studio audience laughing]

- Webster, wouldyou like to come

and hear me make a speechabout supermarket safety?

- No.

[studio audience laughing]

- I'm just never gonna find ababysitter at this late date.

- Well, you had betterthink of something.

There is a full house assembled,

just waiting tohear your speech.

- A full house?

- [Jerry] Mm-hm.

- A full house!

Webster, get your things.

[studio audience laughing]

[whistling]

- No whistling, right?

I'll tell Teddy.

- After you, George.

- Well boys, the priceof poker's going up.

Wow.

- George, what does itmean when you have pictures

of three ladies?

- [All Three Players] Fold.

[studio audience laughing]

- Well, I think it'sgetting a little late.

I think it's past your bedtime.

- But I'm not sleepy.

- Yeah, I know,

but you see we're tryingto play a little game here.

We're trying to concentrate.

- Can I play?

I love games.

- Ah, let the littleguy play one hand.

- Yeah, yet the littleguy play one hand.

- Don't worry,we'll let him win.

- Speak for yourself.

[studio audience laughing]

- Alright, come on.

Come on up here.

It's one game and thenyou're gonna hit the sack.

♪ I'm playing cards ♪

- Why do I come here?

[studio audience laughing]

- Okay, Maurice.

How many?- I'll play these?

- Harry?

- Surprise me.

- Web?- What?

- He wants to know howmany cards you want.

- Five.

- You can't take five,it's against the rules.

- He's a kid, Harry.

Don't you rememberwhen you was a kid?

- No.[studio audience laughing]

- Why do I bother?

- Five you want, five you get.

- Well, your bet kid.

- Okay, I'll bet all of these.

[gambling chips rattling]

- Give us the lot, Bud.

- Me too.

- You don't haveanything in your hand.

- Call, pair sevens![studio audience laughing]

- Oh, yeah?

Mine are all different!

- Wait, wait a minute,Harry, come on.

He's just a kid.

- When it comes tomoney, we're all kids.

[studio audience laughing]

- Say goodnight, Web.

- Goodnight, Web.[studio audience laughing]

- Good night.

- Now can we play like grownups?

- Okay.

Five card, draw.

No limit.

Jacks are better to open.

Threes, eights andsuicide kings are wild.

And if you get four clubsand an ace, you gotta yell,

"Club the ace!" three times

and then you gotta lickyour cards, front and back.

[studio audience laughing]

Steal!

- [Harry] Hey wait,I had a good hand.

[cheerful music begins]

- [Katherine] Hi.

- Hi, darling, howwas your speech?

- Oh, it was so embarrassing.

I introduced the presidentof CACOSS as Farcus,

which caused a big fracas

'cause the presidentof CACOSS is Backus

and Farcus is dead!

[studio audience laughing]

- Let me see if Iunderstand that, huh?

- Nevermind, George.

- Okay.

- Oh.

Hey, how was your poker game?

- Okay.

- George!

- Web, why are you up?

- I can't find Teddy.

- Teddy?

- You know, brown,fuzzy, floppy ears.

Where is he?

[studio audience laughing]

- I think we lefthim at The Tracadero.

- Oh, okay.

- Where are you going?

- To go get Teddy.

Come on, George.

- Come on, Web.

The Tracadero's closed.

We'll get him tomorrow morning.

- But we can't,Teddy'll be scared!

He never fall asleepif I'm not there.

- Well, I think that Teddywould be okay for one night.

- But ma'am!

- Don't you George?

- Yeah, sure.

We'll go down there firstthing in the morning

and we'll pick him up.

- Are you sure?

- Sure, I'm sure.

- Sure, sure,

or just a little sure?

[studio audience laughing]

- Absolutely, positivelyas sure as sure can be.

- Well,

okay.

Goodnight.

- Night.

- Well, I think wehandled that pretty well.

- Don't be too sure.

- Well, Webster seemed fine.

What's your problem?

- Katherine, I don't,

I don't think I leftTeddy at The Tracadero.

I think I left him in the cab.

[sorrowful music begins]

- Cuddle Bunny.

You've got to relax.

- Katherine, how can I relax?

There must be 10,000 cabsin the city of Chicago.

- I think I can help you.

- Really?

- Yeah, I can be wanted.

- Oh.

[studio audience laughing]

- Hi, guys.

- Webster!

What are you doing here?

- I'm just thinking just'cause Teddy is alone

doesn't mean I have to be alone.

- You mean you were planningto sleep here with us?

- Just till we find Teddy.

- What if we can't find him?

- Then I guess I'llhave to sleep with you

till I grow up.

[studio audience laughing]

Good night.

[thunder rumbling]

[squawking]

Pretty neat, huh?

- Very rustic.

- I can't wait tillGeorge and Teddy get home.

Teddy won't believe his eyes.

- Webster, what ifTeddy doesn't get home?

- He's got you.

I can't take another nightsleeping with you guys.

[studio audience laughing]

- I beg your pardon?

- Well, you hog the covers.

He steals the pillowand you both snore.

Believe me, it'sno picnic in there.

[studio audience laughing]

- Webster!

- I think I'll go wash my hands.

[doorbell ringing]

- Can I help you?

- You the lady that put thissign up in the Tracadero?

- Yes.

- A hundred bucks foranybody who comes up

with a missing bear?[studio audience laughing]

- 50.

- Well, I'll see you around.

- Oh, okay, okay, okay.

Make it a hundred.

- Good, lady 'causethis is your lucky day!

- See our sign distinctlysaid a small brown bear.

And that one is purple.

- Okay, 50.

[studio audience laughing]

- Good luck.

[doorbell ringing]

- 25 and that's my last offer.

- Good night.

[doorbell ringing]

Sir, uh, George!

- I'm soaking wet,I lost my key.

I tried to be a hero.

- Oh, how much?

- 40 Bucks.

[studio audience laughing]

- I had him down to 25.

- Katherine, I hadto do something.

Thanks, darling.

Oh, every yellow cab.

Every yellow cab company.

Every yellow cabcompanies lost and found.

- Oh, poor darling.

You're soaked right through.

- I deserve to be soakedright through, darling.

I failed.

I told him I was gonna gethis Teddy and I failed.

- Hi, George.

Is Teddy okay?

Where is he?

- Web.- I knew you would find him.

I just knew it.

You didn't find Teddy?

- No, I didn't.

I'll tell you something.

If you feel likehitting me, go ahead.

I'd understand that.

- No, thanks.

I can't afford tolose another friend.

- [Audience Member] Aw.

- I feel haveterrible, Katherine.

- Ma'am, could you call the guys

and tell 'em I have atummy ache or something?

- But I thought youwere looking forward

to the camp out.

- But if Teddy's not there,

I'll have to sleep with you

and the guys will findout and I'll look stupid.

- You're right.

Let's break camp.

- Oh, now wait aminute, Katherine.

We don't wanna blowthat sleep over.

- No, Webster has a point.

I mean, why take achance on looking stupid.

- Y-yeah, right.

Yeah, right.

Well, let me helpyou with that stuff.

- Wait a minute, George.

I like your point!

- Okay, we won'tdismantle the tent.

- But ma'am.

- Yeah?

- Well, remember when I saidTeddy can't sleep without me?

- Yes.

- Well, truth is

I can't sleep without Teddy.

- Have you ever tried it?

- No, but-

- What if we have a trial run?

- Huh?

- You try sleepingalone tonight?

- You mean in my own room?

Without you guysand without Teddy?

- That's what I mean.

- Yeah, think of itas a pre-game warmup.

If you can sleep alone tonight,

then that sleepoverwill be a breeze.

- Yeah.

- So it's a deal?

- It's a deal.

[Star SpangledBanner playing on TV]

[snoring]

[studio audience laughing]

- Darling, Love

[snoring]

[studio audience laughing]

Sweetheart.

[snoring]

[studio audience laughing]

Katherine.

Katherine.

- Oh, no, Daddy.

Five minutes, please.

Five minutes more.

- It's me, Katherine.

Georgy Porgy.

- Georgy Porgy?

Oh, it's you.

[studio audience laughing]

What time is it?

- It's 05:30.

- Oh.

- Coffee?- Plasma.

[studio audience laughing]

[snoring]

[studio audience laughing]

Oh.

- Ah, poor kid.

He's gonna feel sobad when he finds out

he couldn't sleep without us.

- Why would he find out?

- Hm?

- Who's gonna tell him?

He's sleeping without us now.

- Yeah, I mean howcould he possibly

know how long he's beensleeping without us?

- How would anyone know?

- You think it's right?

- Yes, I do.

Good morning.

Good morning, Webster.

- Just one more story.

One more story andI'll go to sleep.

- You are asleep.

- Then forget the story.

[studio audience laughing]

- Come on, Webster.

Oh.

- Hi, guys.

- [Katherine] Hi.

- What am I doing out here?

- Sleeping.

- And you slept alone.

Alone.

You.

All night, alone.

- George.

- Well, I mean, westarted out together,

but later on we went inthere and you were here.

And you were all alone.

All alone.

- You mean, I slepthere by myself?

- Okay.

- Wow!

I did it.

I said I would doit and I did it.

- You sure did.

- I didn't even need Teddy.

All I needed was me.

- What a brave little guy.

- I'm a big guy.

[knocking on door]

- I'll get the door.

- George, it's 05:30in the morning.

- Yeah, you get the door.

[studio audience laughing]

- George!

- Can I get the door?

- No, forget it,I'll get the door.

[studio audience laughing]

Who is it?

- [Maurice] Maurice.

- Maurice.

Hi.- Hi, George, hi, Web.

Oh, good morning, Mrs. P.

Hope I didn't wake yous.

- Is there something wrong?

- No, everything's fine.

[studio audience laughing]

Oh, then why am Ihere, you might ask?

- We might.

- Oh, hey.

It's like this you see.

I open at 5:00 AM.

I do this every day.

- Oh, well thank you forsharing that with us.

[studio audience laughing]

- Hey, it's my pleasure.

So anyways, here Iam shelling my eggs

and I look up and thesecond thing I see

is this guy a cabby, a hack.

- What's the firstthing you see?

- A bear!

- A bear?

- As in Teddy.

- My Teddy!

- Well it ain't mine.

- You don't know howthis is terrific.

- Yeah.- Oh, this is wonderful.

- Yeah.

- Guys, could I have the bear?

- Oh, okay here.

- Wait a minute.

I thought you said youdidn't need it anymore.

- Hey, I'm a kid.

How would I know what I need?

[studio audience laughing]

- Well, I gotgriddles to grease.

See yous.

- Thank you, Maurice.

- Hey, what are friends for?

- You're a good man.

- Hey, you're not halfbad yourself, Mrs. P.

[studio audience laughing]

- Oh, that's great.

[yawning]

Well, what do we do now?

- I don't know, it'sreal early still.

- Why don't we go back to bed?

Our own beds?

- Yeah, that's a good idea.

- Why don't we?

- Good morning, guys.

- Good morning.

[cheerful music begins]

[studio audience applauding]

- Now that Webster'ssleeping with his teddy bear,

I'm real glad to besleeping with mine.

- Yes, your teddy bear'sglad to be sleeping with you.

[sighing]

- Hi, guys.

- Oh.

- I was just thinkingyou guys might miss me.

- Wait a minute, Webster.

Does this mean we're gonnabe a threesome again?

- Yep.

You, ma'am and Teddy.[studio audience laughing]

- Teddy?

- I sleep alone.

See ya.

- He sleeps alone.

- Yay!

- He sleeps alone.

[studio audience applauding]

[upbeat music begins]