01x13 - Don't Jump, George

[bunniefuu]

- Hey Web, how you doing?

- Lemonade,

five cents.

- Webster I think you woulddo much better outside.

- Its so hot out there.

- You're right.

I'll take a cup.

Wait a minute,this is just water.

- You want it stronger?

- Yes.

[laughing]

- That would beanother five cents.

♪ Set in my ways losingtrack of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to givemore than I want to ♪

♪ Spending my timejust holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up,its not the thing to do ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leapwithout taking a look ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right inline, sinker and hook ♪

♪ Never thought foreverwas the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me ♪

♪ And then came you ♪

[upbeat music]

- George,

would you punish me forsomething I didn't do?

- Of course not.

- Good.

I didn't do my homework.

[Webster laughing]

I'm kidding.

- I am not in a snit.

- You are in a snit.

- All right, I'm in a snit.

- Oh boy, is that Jerry?

- Hi boys.

- Hi ma'am, hi Jerry.

- Where are you going?

- It's kind of personal, ma'am.

- Oh.

- I mean, I don'task you when you go.

- Fair enough Webster.

- So did you have anice day, sweetheart?

- Nice day.[Jerry chuckles]

- Is your name sweetheart?

- Some maniac writes aletter and all of a sudden

we have to dressup like a chicken.

- Darling, can you tellme why Jerry is flaring?

- Because Jerry Silver

did not spend fouryears in law school

to be on a television game show.

- What great news!

- Trudy.- I'm so excited.

- Trudy, why are youhiding under our sink?

- I promise you I'd fixyour dishwasher today.

- Oh, Trudy, you are wonderful.

- Well, bad news.

There's an air gapin your waste line.

- There is.

- [Webster] George, I need you.

[George chuckles]

- Oh boy.

He's stuck again, it's so cute.

- Well, I'm so excitedabout the show.

- Yeah.- Which one is it?

- Oh, Don't Jump.

[Trudy screams]

- You're pleased?

- Oh Katherine,

that is my favorite show.

Oh, just wait till Itell my husband, Myron.

Of course I think he'srun off with some tramp.

I'll see you.

Don't Jump everybody!

- Have you toldZorba the good news?

- Told Zorba what?

- George darling.

- Yes, precious moments.

- We're going to be ona game show together.

- Which one?

- Don't Jump.

[Webster screams]

You're happy too.

- I'm nuts.

That's my favorite show.

You can win allkinds of neat stuff.

Trip,

money,

a date with Diana Ross.

- You can't date Diana Ross.

You're seven years old.

- I'll bring a ladder.

Coming at you Diana.

- George, I don't wantto go on the show either.

But this womancalled and complained

and said that the host of theshow made improper advances.

And when she spurnedhim, she lost.

- She lost

because she answered thelast question incorrectly.

- She claims that shewas one question away

from the big thing.

And when she spurned him,

that's when she lost.

- What's the big thing?

- It's the grand prize.

- Am I to understandthat when this woman,

told this latch to flake off

that she didn'tget the big thing.

[audience laughing]

- She kissed thebig thing goodbye.

- Katherine,

she lost and she was miffed,

like me.

I am miffing.

- It is a very serious charge

and I have to investigate.

It's my job.

- Katherine, you area consumer advocate,

not a family fromPrairie Village USA.

- I am going on the show

and that's that.

Staying for dinner, Terry?

- No, I'm going toa waterfront saloon

and have myselfbeaten to a pulp.

- You need cab fair?

[laughing]

- Honestly,

the man is acting as if hewere going on the game show

with us.

- Don't, you can forgetabout that us stuff.

I'm not going on that game show.

- Why not?

- I, I get crazy whenit comes to tests.

I freeze up.

I'm not gonna makea fool outta myself.

Katherine, do me a favor,

will you just go onwithout me, okay?

- I can't go on without you.

The contestantshave to be families.

- I can't.

- Oh, George.

George, we'll bethere for each other.

If one falls, the otherwill pick up the slack.

You for me and me for you.

You know, like a team.

- I don't know.

- Can we?

- Oh,

lambie pie.

- Can we? Can we?

- Angel feathers.

- Can we? Can we?

Can we?

- Thunder ball.

- [Announcer] Ladies andgentlemen, once again,

the star of Don't Jump,

Bob Frimple.

[upbeat music]

- Hey ya, hey ya, hey ya.

- [Audience] Heyya, he ya, hey ya.

- I feel the love,

you guys are so beautiful.

Thank you so much.

You're all so wonderful.

Hey,

we've got anothergreat treat for you

right here on thisshow, tonight.

One of the gridirongreats of all time.

Chicago's favorite son,

George Papadapolis.

[upbeat music]

And whoa,

wait.

His extremely lovely,gorgeous wife.

Whoa!

[drum roll][Bob chuckles]

Consumer Advocate, KatherineCalder- Young Papadapolis

[upbeat music]

and their godchild,

Webster Long.

[upbeat music]

Greeting.

Webster,

tell me has anyoneever called you Webster

not so long?[ Bob laughs]

Bet, that's the firsttime you heard that.

Huh?

- First time today.

[Bob laughs]

- Fast, fast, whoa.

Here's the part I like the best.

Woo.

Hey folks, a new game showcalled Block That Kiss.

Huh?

Okay, seriously now,

as you know,

the game works ona point system.

Each correct answeris counted as a point.

- That's fair enough.

- Okay, now, as we all know,

the family with themost points goes onto

[drum roll]

the big thing!

[upbeat music]

- What's the horn for?

- Oh, when you thinkyou know the answer,

you either honk your horn

or you ring your bell.

Now the category of chosenis political esoterica.

- That's correct.

- That's kind of anunusual category, isn't it?

- For some.

- I mean, look, look,

we've got all this other stuff.

We've got athletes.

We've got popular music,

waterfowl.

- Could you ask thequestion, please?

- Oh, yes sir.

What a charmer.

Okay,

here it is, your firstquestion on Don't Jump.

- I'm nervous.

You nervous?

- Nah, I went tothe bathroom before.

- Did it help?

- It didn't hurt.

- Every presidenthad his first Lady.

- Except James Buchanan,

our 15th presidentwho never married.

- Katherine, you'resupposed to wait

till he gives you the question.

- Oh- Right Dribble.

- Frimple, Bob Frimple.

- Okay, would you askher the question, please?

- Thank you.

Who was the only presidentwho never married?

And she already answered it.

Ha- ha.

[upbeat music]

Okay, next question.

- I thought wewere gonna confer.

- I didn't think youwanted to answer questions.

- I don't, I just don'twanna look stupid.

- Hey, it's thattime in the show

where we move overto little Wentworth.

- Who's Wentworth?

- You're not Wentworth.

- I'm Webster.

- Oh, even better.[Bob chuckles]

Okay,

now it's time for thekid question. [drum roll]

You ready, pal?

- Yeah, I wanna win that new car

for ma'am and George.

- What a little soldier.

Okay,

Wendell, here it is.

What was the nameof the little girl

in The Three Bears?

[bell rings]

- Marjorie Applebaum.

- Marjorie Applebaum.

- Marjorie Applebaum.

- In our school play.

Albert Turner was Papa Bear.

Lena Love was Mama Bear.

And the Baby Bearwas Norman Miller.

- Norman Miller.- Norman Miller.

- No relation.

- Webster,

what was the nameof the little girl

that Marjorie Applebaumpretended to be?

- Goldilocks.

- That's right!

[upbeat music]

Okay, right backnow to the grownups.

- I knew that one darling.

- Now, in the year 1832,

a little known country lawyer

was defeated in his first bid

for a public office

and...[horn honking]

- Lincoln.

[upbeat music]

I'm sorry, I...

- Darling, I honked.

I was the honker.

- Folks.- I'm sorry,

I just got excited.

- You'll see mesqueezing your honker.

- [Bob] Folks.[buzzer]

- [Announcer] Sorry,Bob, we're out of time.

- Oh, don't be sorry.

Okay, well, what a shame.

That's all we havetime for today.

But the Papadapolis familyhas just taken the lead

and you just have onemore question to answer

in order to reach the

- big thing.- Big thing.

[Bob chuckles]

- See you tomorrow.

[audience applauds]

- Yay!

Coming at you Diana.

- Okay Bob, that's wrap.

- Yeah.

Who booked this family, hmm?

- Thanks a lot, Katherine.



- I'm sorry George,

but could we discussthis at home.

I have to wait here untilFrimple comes on to me.

- All right.

But if he so muchjust touches you,

I'm gonna grab hislegs and make a wish.

Come on Web.

- Hi.

- Hello.

- You didn't kiss me.

- I didn't wanna kiss you.

- You don't understand.

You have to kiss me.

- You mean right now?

- No, not now.

On this show,

you see, it's in my contract.

If you don't kiss me,

they will replace mewith reruns of Mr. Ed,

they will cancel me!

- Mr. Frimple getahold of yourself.

- Those ladies,

those lips.

The onion, the garlic,

all they want

is my body or the big thing.

They'll do anything to get it.

God, why was I born so cute?

- Jerry,

Frimple may be a wacko,

but that lady is certifiable.

- I've never been sohumiliated on my life.

- No, she was lying.

I checked her out.

Look, she's done the samething with Monty Hall.

Bob Eubanks and Chubby Checker.

- Answer the question.

Honk the horn, that'sthe law, remember.

- No, Jerry, no.

The case is closed, right?

I'll see you tomorrow.

Goodnight.

- Ma'am.- Mm.

- I'm ready to be tucked in.

- Okay, I'll be rightthere, sweetheart.

- Okay.

And George,

thanks for beingsuch a good sport.

This thing means a lot to me.

- Web about the show.

- It's my favorite.

My whole class was tonight

and they'll bewatching tomorrow.

- You see...- I get to meet Dianna Ross,

win a new car for you and ma'am,

that's what make me proud.

- Thank you, Webster.

- And then we go to Paris.

I wanna see that awful tower.

- Oh, it's Eiffel actually.

- Okay.

Goodnight.

- See you in a minute.

- Good night.- All right.

- George.

- You lied to me Katherine.

- George!

- You told me Iwouldn't look foolish.

And then what happens, Huh?

We go up there

and you make mefeel like an idiot.

- George, I would never doanything to belittle you.

If you want, you can answerall the questions tomorrow.

- What do you mean tomorrow?

- Well, we have to go back.

- What the hell for?

The investigation's over.

- Yeah, but the game isn't.

- Excuse me.

Remember the tucking in?

- Oh yeah.

I'll be right with you.

- 'Cause I can't sleepunless I'm tucked.

- Fine.

- Could I have a hamburger?

- No Webster.

- How about a cookie?

- No snacks.

- No snacks,

no tucking.

I can't wait till we're older

and have our own apartment.

- Goodnight Webster.

- Katherine, do youactually want to go back

and play that game?

- No.

I wanna go backand win that game.

- I can't believe what you'returning into, Katherine.

- Well, I can't believethat you of all people

should turn out to besuch a fuddy-duddy.

- Fuddy-duddy?- Yes,

you who danced nakedin a public fountain.

- I told you why I danced naked.

I was celebrating, wejust won the Super Bowl.

- Well, this is my Super Bowl.

You have basked inglory all your life.

And now it's my turn.

I'm basking.

I'm a basker.

All right , I admit it.

It's fun, it's alive.

Did you forget howgood that feels?

- No Katherine,

Super Bowls are won by teams.

That's what you seemto be forgetting.

[soft music]

- Okay.

The moment maybe of ushave been waiting for.

The Papadapoliss.

[audience applauding][upbeat music]

Where's the rocket scientist?

- My husband fell ill.

- Bummer.

Okay...- No, that's not right.

- It's not right?

- No.

- What's not right?

- Ladies and gentlemen-

- Oh, I'm in the toilet here.

- I've done a terrible thing.

I sacrificed myhusband's integrity

for the cheap tinseland glamour of showbiz.

- Radio, that'swhere it's happening.

- You see, heisn't really sick,-

- I'm sorry sir.- but he was very...

- You can't come on the stage.

- George.

- George.- George.

[audience applauds]

- George, I'm so sorry.

- I'm sorry too.

- You were right, Ijust got carried away.

- You have every right to bask.

- Thank you.

- Sometimes wecan't bask together.

Sometimes we have to bask apart.

- I love you.

- I love you too, darling.

Mm.

- They're so adorable.

- Can we do this later?

- Oh, sorry.

- Thank you, fine.

Okay,

here's the...- Ladies and gentlemen -

- Again with theladies and gentlemen.

- I am relinquishingthe rest of the show

to that wonderful guy,George Papadapolis.

George, win or lose.

It's all yours.

[audience applauds]

- Okay,

here

is your final question.

[upbeat music]

Oh.

What was HarryTruman's middle name?

- I don't know.

- What a shame.

- I mean, I don't,

I don't think hehad a middle name.

He had S.

So maybe,

maybe it's S, I don't know.

- So is S your guess?

- Yes, I guess S is my guess.

- He is absolutely right.

- Yes!

[audience cheers]

- Yes.

Welcome to the big thing,George Papadapolis.

Hey, you can stay and play

or you can jump.

What do you think folks,

should he jump?

[indistinct mumblingfrom audience]

Wait, wait, wait, just a second.

Let George tell uswhat he's gonna do.

Woo.

[drum roll]

- I'll play.

- He's gonna stay.

[upbeat music]

Okay.

Here come the Don't Jump girls.

[upbeat music][audience cheering]

- Hi, my name is George.

- Where we going to Seattle?

- Sarah and Cyrus.

Merry moments withSarah and Cyrus.

George Papadapolis,

Welcome to your big thing!

- We feel pretty lousyright now, don't we?

- Yes we do, wefeel pretty lousy.

- He won.

He won.

- Yeah Trudy, we know.

- When he dodged those pies

and then he swam throughthe peach puree and,

and then he rangthat little bell

with his nose in the mud.

Where is he?

I have to hug him.

He was so cute.

George.

Oh.

You were so cute.

- Trudy.

- All right.

You were so cute.

- Well, here we are.

- So here we are.

- You said, "don't wait for me."

So we didn't wait for you.

- So what's new?

- I guess you must befeeling very, very silly.

- Silly?

why would I feel so silly?

- You came home in a bath robe.

- And, and do you know whyyou came home in a bath robe?

- Because your clothes gotmessed up from all those pies.

- That's right.

- Must have had a hardtime getting a cab

with your shower cap.

- Hard time gettingthe cab Katherine.

No, I didn't have ahard time getting a cab

because you see,

I couldn't get a cab.

Somehow the cab drivers justwouldn't take a blown up guy

like me wearingnothing but Terrycloth.

So I took a train.

- And you don't feel silly?

- I had a ball.

Katherine, I had a ball.

I basked Katherine.

- I think he hadone pie too many.

- I will admit Katherine

that I was a little madcoming home on the train.

But then I said to myself,

George,

you made millionsof people laugh.

Ha- ha.

I basked.

- I guess it's just hisfunny way of basking.

- I beat the old record setby the Vansize family in 1972.

I'm so excited.

- Are you following any of this?

- I think he's proud.

Why?

I can't tell you.

- Well, I'll tell you.

I'm proud becauseKatherine, I won.

And you were right darling.

Everyone has to bask.

I'm happy,

I won.

Are you mad?

- No, why would I be mad?

- Because

Katherine, you didall the hard work.

You, you plowed and I reaped.

- Well, we all have funin our own special way.

I mean, I enjoyanswering questions.

- You enjoy answeringquestions, Katherine,

because you're smart.

- Well, and you enjoygetting pies in the face

because you're very special.

- I love you muffin.

- I love you too bagel buns.

- Could I have ahundred dollars?

- What?

- I have a date with Diana Ross.

I can't take herto Taco Village.

[upbeat music]

- He's sleeping.

- Did you reallymeet Diana Ross?

- Yeah.

Then we went ice skating.

- Yeah, then what?

- Then we wentover to the marina,

had dynamite fish dinner.

- Yeah, and then what happened?

- That's all.

- Well, that leaves threehours unaccounted for.

What were you doingall that time?

- Hmm.[Webster laughing]

[upbeat jazz music]

[upbeat jazz music continues]

[upbeat jazz music continues]

[upbeat jazz music continues]