01x14 - George, the Patient in Spite of Himself

[bunniefuu]

[scary music]

[Webster bellowing]

- Hi, honey.

[Webster screaming]

[upbeat music]

♪ Set in my ways losingtrack of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

♪ Spending my timejust holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leapwithout taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right inline, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought foreverwas the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me ♪

♪ And you ♪♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me ♪

♪ And then came you ♪

[upbeat music]

- Webster you haven'ttouched your cereal.

- I touched it.

I just didn't eat it.

[audience laughing]

- Aren't you hungry?

- Well, I feel alittle funny inside.

- Oh, well, maybeyou're empty inside.

You know, eat a little cerealand maybe you'll feel better.

- Oh, okay.

[Webster blowing air]

I'll just wait to letit cool down little.

- Webster, it's cold cereal.- Oh.

[audience laughing]

- Well, good morning, goodmorning, good morning.

What day is it today, Friday?

Well, I guess I'll havea minute steak rare,

four eggs scrambledwith a pinch of cheese,

and a stack of wheat cakes.

- How about a Belgian waffle?

- No, darling, I'mtrying to cut down.

Tell you what, justmake it the wheat cakes.

- Tell you what, justmake it yourself.

[audience laughing]

- Right, right.

- Honey, you're still limping.

- Oh, Katherine,I'm not limping.

I'm merely favoring one leg.

- You know, you reallydo need surgery.

You're gonna have to go in thehospital and get that fixed.

- You're going tothe hospital, George.

- No, no, no, notme, and not this leg.

I hate hospitals.

My Aunt Zoe died in one once,

and she was justvisiting, ha, ha, ha.

[audience laughing]

- You are such a stubborn man.

You really are in pain.

- Pain?

Darling, I am not a child,I'm an ex-football player.

I welcome pain.

You might say painis my co-pilot.

And when I have ajob to do, I do it.

Even though I may have to play

with a little hurtoccasionally, that's life.

When the game gets tough,the tough get going.

And that's what makesyou a man, Katherine.

[audience laughing]

Right, Web?

- Right!

- Excuse me if I don'tbeat on my chest.

[audience laughing]

Webster, you mustbe feeling better.

- Ma'am.- Uh-huh?

- I'm not a baby.

I gotta go to school.

It's my job!

- And that's my boy.

- We're tough guys.

Right, George?- Right!

And speaking of tough, doI have a surprise for you?

I finally got my big break.

Yours truly, George Papadapolis,

is gonna cover "MondayNight Football" in Detroit.

- Yay!

- And get this,you're going with me!

- Yay!

- I wouldn't go without you,you're my right-hand man.

We're talking network.

- Wow.

- You're gonna meet 'em all.

Frank Gifford, Howard Cosell,Don Meredith, O.J. Simpson.

They're gonna love you.

- Wow, I can't wait tillI tell the guys at school.

Holy moly.

Howard Cosell.

O.J. Simpson.

Don Meredith, ha, ha!

[audience laughing]

- Oh, Don Meredith, huh?

Well, you know, you two guys

might really need me in Detroit

when you meet Dandy Don.

- Dandy Don?

You know about Dandy Don?

- Well, everybodyknows about Dandy Don.

He's just irresistible

with that smile andthat cute, little drawl.

- That cute, little drawl?

Come on, Katherine,he puts that on.

And let me tellyou something else,

he may be a big-timesportscaster,

but he doesn't talkany better than me.

- Than I.

- He doesn't evenget close to you.

[audience laughing]- Oh, thank you.

But, you know, darling,

you shouldn't reallybe competing with Don.

I mean, the way I feelabout you is it's special.

And with Don, it'spure sexual attraction.

[audience laughing]

Oh, Webster, come on now.

Let's get going.- Web, come on, Web!

- Come on, Web,we're gonna be late!

- [George] It's cab time.

- Webster, oh, wegotta get going.

- What did he do,go back to sleep?

- Yeah.

Webster.

- I'm tough, Igotta go to school.

- [gasps] George,he's burning up.

Lie down, hon.

That's a good boy.[gentle music]

[gentle upbeat music]

- What's going on?- Relax, George.

- Relax.

Why is he taking so long?

- Dr. D'Amori is givingWebster a thorough examination.

- Oh, darling, seeingthat kid so sick in there

makes me feel sohelpless and scared.

- Feeling helpless, honey,

I think is partof being a parent.

- Well, folks, Isuggest we bundle him up

and take him to a hospital.

- Hospital?- Calm down, George.

- Wait a minute, hospitalsare for sick people!

- He is sick, Mr. Papadapolis.

- Well, how sick, doctor,what's wrong with him?

- I don't know.

- You don't know?

You don't know?

We want answers here.

- Katherine, pleaserelax, we have to relax.

- That's right,now if one of you

will just go and get Webster.

- Okay.- [George] I'll go get him.

- And after we takecare of Webster,

we better take alook at that leg.

- Don't worry about my leg.

Look at my Webster.

[audience laughing]

- Dr. D'Amori, Imean, you can tell me,

what's wrong with him?

- Well, his fever is very high.

- Oh.

- It could be tonsillitis,could be strep infection.

We'll have to take a few tests.

I'll meet you atChicago General.

- Thank you very much.

- I don't wanna goto the hospital.

I wanna go to Detroit.

- Don't worry, your feveris not gonna prevent us

from going to Detroit.

Just hang tough.

- Honey, you can't carry him.

Let me carry him, you'regonna hurt your leg.

- Katherine, my leg is fine.- And so am I.

- While you two are hangingtough, I'll get a cab.

- You really thinkI can do it, George?

- You bet you can do it, andI'll be there all the time.

- Promise?- I promise.

[gentle music]

- Great news, his temperatureis about back to normal.

- Good, well, nowyou're well enough

to have your tonsils out.

- I'm afraid visitinghours are almost up.

- Okay.

- I don't get it.

If I'm normal, why doI need my tonsils out?

- Because your tonsils are sick.

- That's theirproblem, I'm better.

[audience laughing]

- Webster, I know thatyou're a little scared.

- I'm not scared.

I just don't want the operation.

- Right.

- I'm hanging tough justlike George taught me,

so we can go to Detroit.

- Honey, you can'tgo to Detroit,

you have to have that operation.

- I'll have it another week.

George needs his operationand he's not having one.

And where is George anyway?

He should've been here by now.

- Yeah, well, he didcall this morning,

but you were sleeping.

- Why didn't you wake me?

- Because you were-- Hi, everybody.

- Oh, hi, Trudy.

- Hi, Ms. Easton, you cameback just like you said.

- Oh, a good neighboralways keeps her word.

But I can't stay long.

I'm laundering todayand I'm between cycles.

[audience laughing]

- Here, these are for you.

- Thank you, they're very hard.

- They're plastic.

You see I figure why buy live?

Plastic is forever.

- And good taste is timeless.

- Thank you.

Oh, Myron wanted to stop by,

but he had to work lateat the upholstery shop.

It's velvet flocking night.

- Your husband flocks velvet?

- Well, it doesn't flock itself.

[audience laughing][watch beeping]

Oh, I have to run,

the rinse cyclestarts in five minutes

and I like to be early.

By the way, where's George?

- Oh, I'll give him your best.

- You know, I'm sort ofsurprised he's not here.

- Trudy.- Oh, he came to see me

when I was in the hospital.

- Say goodbye, Trudy.- Bye.

- I'm gonna walk Trudyto the elevator shaft.

- Bye, Ms. Easton!

Thank you for the plastic!

[phone ringing]

- Hello, hospital.

This is a sick person speaking.

[audience laughing]

- [George] Web?- George!

- How you doing?

- I'm being brave justlike you taught me.

- That's great.

- How are you, George?

- Well, I got a little problem.

- It's not your leg, is it?

I was worried aboutyou all night.

- No, my leg's fine.

And don't you startworrying about my leg.

- Then what you doing?

You're gettingready for Detroit?

- I'm not going to Detroit.

- But why?

- Well, I wouldn't goto Detroit without you.

You're my right-hand man.

- You mean you really need me?- You bet I do.

- Wow.

When you coming to see me?

- Well, I got a little busy.

You know, with business?

- Yeah, sure, I understand.

- Well, listen, I want youto get a little rest now.

I love you, Web.

- I love you too.

Bye.

[gentle music]

- Damn!

Ooh!

[audience laughing][gentle music]

- Good news, good news.

Guess what you get to haveright after your operation?

- Another fever.- No.

Ice cream, all you can eat, yay!

How come I'm theonly one saying yay?

- George called.

- He did?

That's great, yay!

Again, I'm the onlyone saying yay.

- He said he couldn't seeme 'cause he was busy.

- Well, yeah, he is busytaking care of his bad leg.

- His leg is fine,he just told me.

And anyway, a bad legwouldn't stop George.

He plays tough.

- Well, why do you thinkhe didn't come to see you?

- 'Cause I let him down.

I got sick and Icouldn't be tough.

He needed me.

And now he can't go to Detroit.

- I'm sorry, visitinghours are up.

- Honey, that's just not true.

- Sorry, dear, I'm afraid it is.

[audience laughing]

- Listen, I'm gonna gohome and talk to George.

And then, he's gonna callyou and explain this.

- Please, Mrs. Papadapolis,

Webster really needs his rest.

- Yes, yes, I understand.

I'm gonna go now,

and then I'm gonna comeback this afternoon

and I'm going to bringyou a big surprise, okay?

We love you.

- We love you too.

- Bye, Teddy.

- I know she's tryingto make me feel better,

but we gotta playtough for George.

[gentle music]

Teddy, grab your tonsils.

You and me, we'rebusting outta here.

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping][gentle music]

[gentle music]

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G ♪

♪ H, I, J, K ♪

- Here's a little alphabet soup

that'll make you feelmuch better, much faster.

- I don't want alphabet soup.

- Oh, grumpy are we?

- Will you stop that?

You're my wife's secretary,not my chambermaid.

- I know who I am,

and I don't like beinghere any more than you do.

And if you were grown up enough

and had taken care of yourknee when you were supposed to,

I would not havehad to ruin my day

by taking care of Katherine'slittle beached whale.

Now open the hangar,here comes the airplane.

- Give that to me,I'm not a child.

- Oh, really?

Then why is Papa Bearsleeping in Baby Bear's bed?

- Because of my leg.

Katherine can't sleepwith me because of my leg.

- Is that what she told you?

[audience laughing]

- Jerry, would youexcuse us please?

- With pleasure.

- Hi, sweetheart.

You want a littlebit of alphabet soup?

I could spell your name.

- Why didn't you tellWebster the truth?

- Katherine, I was gonnatry and tell him the truth.

When he startedworrying about my leg,

well, I didn't wannaworry him anymore.

- Oh, well, that's just great.

'Cause you see now hethinks he's let you down

by getting sick and soyou can't go to Detroit.

- Well, that's nottrue, I'm hurt.

- But that's notwhat you told him.

You led him to believe thattough guys like you play hurt.

They never get scaredand they never give in.

So that when he'sfeeling vulnerable,

it's as if he's a failure.

- Well, that's ridiculous.

Who told him that?

- You, Mr. Leaperof Tall Buildings.

Pain is my co-pilot, remember?

Look, there is apoor, little boy

sitting all by himselfin a hospital room

who should have an operation,

but he doesn't want to

because he's tryingto be like his hero,

who frankly is not very heroic.

[sighs] Heroes have tobe human beings, darling.

They have to be allowedto have feelings.

They have to beallowed to show pain.

And I think that youshould show Webster that.

[phone ringing]

- I'll get it, thank you.

[audience laughing]

- Well, help me outtahere, Katherine.

- George, don't be silly.

- Katherine, it's for you!

- I'm gonna be right back.

Stay right whereyou are, don't move.

- Very funny.

- It's the hospital,Webster's gone.

- What?- He's not in his room.

But don't worry, the doctorsaid that a lot of children

get scared before they have anoperation and they run away.

But he couldn't havegotten off the floor.

So the doctor asked ifyou would come down there,

and I said, ofcourse, you would.

And he said, "Fine," and Isaid fine, you'd be there.

Now do you wanna talk to him?

- I think I just did.

Say goodbye.

- She says goodbye.

He said to have a nice day.

- Oh no, what am yougonna tell George?

- Well, try the truth.- Are you crazy?

I mean, he won't stay in bed.

- Alright, then lie.

- Oh no, no, no,no, that's no good.

I'm just no goodat being a phony.

I mean, he'd seeright through it.

You tell 'em.

[audience laughing]

- Thank you.

- Katherine?

Where's Katherine?

- She left you.

But to go shopping.

- Good, I'm going out.

- Wait a minute.

Now I'm afraid Ican't let you go.

- You're gonna be more afraidif you don't open that door.

- Now look, George,this is ridiculous.

We are both grown men.

- That's right.

And one of us grew alittle more than the other.

[audience laughing]

- I'll get your hat.

[audience laughing][gentle music]

[audience clapping][gentle music]

- Please, Mrs.Papadapolis, calm down!

Security's lookingfor Webster right now.

I'm sure they'll find him.

- I certainly hopeso, he's very clever.

- I think we'veseen all the tricks.

- [Intercom] Dr. Red, pleasecall the operator, Dr. Red.

- This isn't the elevator.

[playful music]

[gentle music]

[playful music]

[audience laughing]

[gentle music]

[audience laughing]

[playful music]

[gentle music]

Sorry, Teddy.

[audience laughing]

[playful music]

- [Katherine] I can'tbelieve this hospital

could lose a little boy!

- [Dr. D'Amori] Relax,Mrs. Papadapolis.

- Relax? it's not likewe lost an umbrella.

[George coughing]- [Webster] Don't sit down.

- Web?- George?

George!- Web.

- George.- Web.

- George.

[audience laughing]

- What are you doing in here?

- Hiding.

- Why aren't you in your room?

- That's a dumb place to hide,

they'd find me.

[audience laughing]

What are you doing here?

- I'm hiding.

But it's okay, I'm anadult, I'm allowed to.

What's your excuse?

- I was trying to get home

so I can show youthat I can play hurt.

Then we could've gone to Detroitand you'd been proud of me.

- I'm proud of you now.

And even if youwould've gotten home,

we wouldn't havebeen able to go.

I'm hurting.

- It's your knee, isn't it?

Is it bad?

- It will if I don'ttake care of it.

- Then why don'tyou take care of it?

- Truthfully, I'm scared.

- You get scared?

- Sure I get scared.

- Of what?

- Well, a lot of things.

I got scared todaywhen I thought

you were worrying about me.

- Can I tell yousomething, George?

Sometimes I get afraidof things myself.

- Yeah, like yourtonsil operation?

- Nah.

Yeah.

I never had an operation before.

- I didn't either.

- Never, ever?

- Well, once I had a cornremoved from my foot.

[audience laughing]

- You grow corn on your feet?

[audience laughing]

Wow.[audience laughing]

- Well, the point isoperations are scary.

And trying to play hurtthe way I've been playing,

well, that's not very smart.

- But I thought playinghurt meant being strong.

- Well, there's strongand then there's stupid.

- How do you knowthe difference?

[audience laughing]

- Strong is what canget you through school,

or work, or an operation.

Stupid gets you stuckin a linen closet.

[audience laughing]

- So I guess that meansthat I gotta go up there

and have my operation, huh?

- Yeah.

And I'll tell you what,

if you're tough enough, well,

maybe I can be tough enough too.

This leg of mine,it needs fixin'.

- Hey, there's anempty bed in my room.

- Not anymore.

- I'm glad I have you, George.

- I'm glad I have you, champ.

- And you know what?

I don't think there'sanyone in the world

who could've taught mebetter about being stupid.

[audience laughing]

- Thanks.

[audience clapping][upbeat music]

- And you were such abrave little trooper.

- I was a bravelittle trooper too.

- Sure, once theanesthetic kicked in,

you were a regular John Wayne.

[audience laughing]

- You gonna feed me?

- Tell me if it's too cold.

- Ma'am, you forgotto fluff my pillow.

- Wait a minute, Web,she's feeding me.

- My pillow's getting flat.- My ice cream's getting soft.

- Hold it, hold itnow, which is it first?

Is it the pillowor the ice cream?

- My pillow.- It's the ice cream.

- My pillow.- My ice cream.

- My pillow!- I want my ice cream!

- [Nurse] May I haveyour attention please?

Visiting hours are now over.

- Oh, darn.[audience laughing]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[dramatic music]