01x15 - Maybe Baby

[bunniefuu]

[BOTH HUM]

GEORGE: Excuse me, madame, may I have this dance?

WEBSTER: Of course.

THEME SONG: Set in my ways, losing track of the days.

Only me to live for.

Had no need to give more than I wanted to.

Spending my time just holding the line,

never getting caught up.

Love was never brought up.

It's not the thing to do.

Ooh.

It was you.

Then came you.

You made me leap without taking a look.

Ooh. It was you.

Then came you.

You reeled me right in, line, sinker, and hook.

Never thought forever was the best I could do.

Then came you.

It was you and me and you.

Then came you.

It was you.

And me and you.

It was you and me.

Then came you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-[WHISTLES]

-George, what are you--

-Hi, sweetheart.

-Look at this.

Look at this.

I'm living with Mr. Rogers.

-But the question is, is Mr. Rogers living with you?

-Are you on some kind of medication?

-Darling, this is my park outfit.

I always wear it when I take Webster to the park.

-Oh, well, that's very nice, angel breath,

but you're not taking Webster to the park

today because I'm taking him to the zoo.

-Au contraire, Through precious cargo.

You've got your days mixed up.

-No.

-Today is me in the park, and tomorrow

is [SINGING] you and the zoo and the moonlight.

-You are on medication.

-Today's Tuesday.

-And Tuesday is the day that I leave the office

early to spend time with Webster.

-Ah, but Wednesday is the day that I leave

early to spend time with Webster.

And this week, Tuesday is Wednesday.

-Come again?

-We traded, remember?

You gave me Tuesday so you could have Wednesday.

Now Wednesday is Tuesday.

And Tuesday is Wednesday.

I'm perfectly clear on that, sweetheart.

-Clear but wrong, love handles.

We traded two weeks ago.

-Oh, sweetheart, you are absolutely right.

Well, darling, we're-- we're working parents.

I mean, we're going to get mixed up occasionally.

-Well, yeah, but, I mean, this is the third day in a row

that we've got our schedules mixed up.

Our lives are just totally disorganized.

-Oh, sweetheart, it really isn't that bad.

We just-- we just seem to be forgetting

the days of the week.

-You're right.

We're not disorganized.

We're stupid.

You know, I'm gonna call Jerry right now

and asked him if he will organize our schedule.

-Oh, now, darling, I do not want your secretary

knowing the intimate details of our private lives.

-Hi, guys.

GEORGE: Web.

-Hi, Webster.

It's 3:30.

Where have you been?

-Down the hall.

Playing with Samantha.

-But you always play with Samantha on Monday.

-Today is Monday.

-Tuesday. -Wednesday.

-Anyone for Thursday?

-Anyway, since Monday was a holiday, I made Tuesday Monday.

-Ha!

I made it Wednesday.

-Well, I think this Tuesday better

be Tuesday, because this is the Tuesday we're

having dinner with the Schnitzers.

-You mean tonight?

-We'll talk.

-Are you guys busy tonight?

-Well, we think so.

Why?

-Remember you said you'd get me something

special if I did well in math?

-Yeah. -Look.

-Oh!



That's wonderful.

-Oh, that's fantastic.

-Good.

-Champ, congratulations.

-Thanks.

-And we're going to give you something special.

What would you like?

-Well, I don't wanna be pushy.

-Oh, come on, now.

I mean, when we promise something, we deliver.

What would you like, a kite, a model airplane?

-A baby. -A what?

-A baby brother or sister.

You guys can decide.

See ya.

-Webster!

-Oh, I forgot.

Thank you.

Thank you very, very much.

-Ha.

I can't believe that little kid wants

a little baby in the house.

-Neither can I.

-George Junior.

You know, sweetheart , it's not a bad idea.

-It's a wonderful thought.

But where would we find the time?

-Oh, sweetheart, it can't be that difficult.

My father found time to have seven sons.

-Your mother found time to have seven sons.

Your father found time to have seven enjoyable evenings.

-Then we should scratch the baby?

-Well.

Do you really want a baby?

-No, but I'd sure like to have seven enjoyable evenings.

KATHERINE: Honey, we're

in a little while, but Jerry will be here to babysit.

-OK.

-Where did you get the lovely doll?

-It's Samantha's.

She let me borrow it so I can practice

for when we have a new baby.

-Uh, Webster, now about the baby--

see, we're gonna have to talk.

Uh, George and I, at this point, are

just not prepared to really make--

-Katherine, excuse me.

I'm sorry to interrupt like this.

Webster, uh, do you have a blanket for the baby?

-No.

-No?

What about some Bermuda shorts or a tuxedo?

-I have a diaper. -Great.

Give it to me.

-George, we're not here to discuss diapering.

We're here to discuss something with Webster.

-Katherine, I can't discuss anything

with all this nakedness around me.

-It's never stopped you in the past.

-I'll get the safety pins.

-Great.

-George, it's a doll.

-An anatomically correct doll, sweetheart.

-Oh, so it is.

-Powder, please. -Powder.

-George, it's a doll.

It's not a breaded veal cutlet.

-Ta-da.

Here we go. Hi, hi.

-Boy, George.

You're gonna be great when a new baby gets here.

-Yeah, I know.

-George.

-Oh, yeah.

Web, um, why do you, um-- why do you want a baby so much?

-Because all my friends have a baby brother or sister.

-All your friends?

-A lot of them.

And babies are fun.

You get to play with them, teach them things, tell them

to be quiet, and boss them around.

It's terrific.

And no matter how stupid you act, they think you're great.

-Yes, babies are wonderful, Webster.

But you know, they're also a big responsibility.

It's not easy taking care of a new baby.

-Oh.

You mean the messy things , like crying,

wetting, and the goopy stuff. -Yes.

-That's what you guys are here for.

-Webster, Katherine and I are just not prepared for a baby.

-But I want one.

-I know you want one, honey, but I'm afraid the answer is no.

[DOORBELL RINGS] -I'll get it.

-Hi, Mrs. Dropaflopalas.

-Oh, well hello there, Samantha.

-Is Webster--?

-In his room. -Thanks.

Oh, yeah.

There's a man in the hall hiding behind a blackboard.

He says he knows you.

-What man?

Who is he?

-I don't know.

-I'm not allowed to talk to men who hide behind blackboards.

-Good policy.

-Yeah.

See ya.

-Coming through. Coming through.

-Wait a minute.

What is this?

-It's a visual aid.

The scheduling device.

I brought it over here so that we could organize your lives.

-Well, it's awfully large.

Um, couldn't we use a date book or-- or-- just a notepad?

-Well, that's a good question.

She's very astute.

Now in truth, the date book is an excellent system.

It's been wonderful for years.

But it does have one drawback.

With a date book, you have to look at your schedule.

With my system, your schedule looks at you.

-Katherine, I'm getting cranky.

-Honey, he's just trying to help.

-I am, George.

-No, I am George.

You are annoying.

And we are leaving.

-But what about my system?

-Well, it was awfully sweet of you to do it, Jerry,

but I think it's a little complicated.

-Complicated?

All you have to do is remember the days of the week.

-"So You're Having a Baby." "The Baby And How It Works."

"I'm OK, You're a Baby."

-I hope my parents don't notice these books are missing.

Why did you want to see them for, anyway?

-I wanted to know more about baby brothers and sisters.

-If you ask me, you're better off with your teddy bear.

I got a baby brother, and boy is he gross.

-What do you mean?

-Well, he's bald, and he burps, and he makes cheese.

-He makes cheese?

Wow!

That's neat.

-Not the way he makes it.

-Well, I don't care about the cheese.

I still want one.

-Are you sure?

-Sure I'm sure.

If I had a baby brother or sister,

I'd always have someone, and he'd always be with me.

And he'd never leave me.

-OK.

Then I'll help you make one.

-You know how to make a baby?

-Sure. -Yeah?

-Grab a pail.

-You really know how to make a baby?

-Sure. I figured it out from this book.

Now, it says in this book people are

made of 80% water and 20% other stuff.

-Well, we've got plenty of water.

What about the other stuff?

What do we need?

-It depends.

What do you want?

A boy or a girl?

-I kinda like being a big brother, so make it a boy.

-Then we're gonna need frogs and snails and puppy dog tails.

-Puppy dog tails?

Yuck.

-I didn't write the recipe.

-Well, what do we need for little girls?

-Sugar and spice and everything nice.

-Better. -Hello, children.

BOTH: Hi, Jerry.

-Can I get you some milk or whatever

it is you tots usually eat?

-No, thanks.

-Ah, you're reading.

It's a pleasure to see youngsters

who are eager to learn, broaden their horizons,

expand their-- "So You're Having a Baby."

Nah.

You can borrow it if you want.

We're all through.

--[LAUGHS] So you're having a little fun with me, huh?

Trying to shock Uncle Jerry, huh?

-No.

We're just trying to make a baby.

-Oh, Lord, I don't think I'm equipped.

-Excuse us, please.

-Freeze.

Samantha, it is time that you went home.

Webster, you stay in your room.

-Well, what about the baby?

-Forget the baby.

Make a pot holder.

And for goodness sake, wash your hands.

My God.

I sound just like my mother.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Katherine, the kids were just having a little fun.

Webster's a little boy.

-A little boy with big plans.

-What do you wanna do?

You wanna-- wanna teach him about the facts of life?

-Yes. -Are you crazy?

I wouldn't know where to begin.

-Well how did you find out?

-Indirectly.

My father looked at me straight in the eyes and said,

it's none of your business. Go milk the goat.

-Well, my mother was skittish about the subject, too.

She sat me down when I was little,

and she told me about the birds and the bees and the flowers.

-Oh, so your mom did tell you about the fact of life.

-My mother taught me pollination.

I learned the facts of life from Biff

Johnson in the back of a '58 Chevy.

-I don't wanna hear that, Katherine.

-Come on, George.

We're enlightened adults, and I think

we're going to handle the subject far

better than our parents ever did.

-Katherine, what is the rush?

Experts say not to tell a kid more than he needs to know.

-OK.

We'll take our cue from him.

-I'm all ready for school.

BOTH: Great.

-Now, are there any questions you'd like to ask?

-Katherine, you're prompting.

-Well, there is one.

But I'm a little embarrassed about asking it.

-Then don't ask.

-Don't be embarrassed.

Just ask what's ever on your mind.

-OK.

-What's electrolysis?

-Honey, when two people love each other-- electrolysis?

-Yeah.

-Samantha's mommy said she needed it.

-Well, um, electrolysis just means removing unwanted hair.

-Oh.

[LAUGHS] Boy, was Samantha wrong.

[LAUGHS]

-Have you got any other questions?

-Darling, he just learned about electrolysis.

Isn't that enough for one morning?

-Well, there is one more question.

-You see what you're doing?

-Are babies expensive? -That's it?

That's the question? -Yeah.

If you don't know, I can ask someone else.

-If I don't know?

I know everything about babies. So let me tell you something.

They're very expensive.

We're talking megabucks on talcum powder alone.

And then there's ice cream, huh?

Boy Scout dues.

And there's, uh, school supplies.

Crayons alone will drive you right through the roof.

-Yeah.

That's that I figured.

Well, see you guys later. -Yep.

We'll see you later.

-Bye. -Goodbye.

-Well, I think we answered his questions fairly well.

-We didn't answer anything.

He still doesn't know the facts of life.

And he still wants us to have a baby.

-So we left out a few details.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Hi, Maurice.

-Hey, Web.

How you doing?

-OK, I guess.

-So, what'll be your pleasure?

-I'm looking for a job.

-A job?

You hear that, Harry?

The kid's looking for employment.

-And I'm looking for mushrooms in this cream of nothing soup.

-So, you think you can use me?

I'm real good at cooking.

-Yeah, well, I suppose that the Tracadero

Cafe could use a prime chef.

What's your specialty?

-Milk. -Milk.

You cook milk?

-I pour it.

I can also pour orange juice.

And I'm learning how to make french toast.

-Not bad.

What do you think, Harry?

-Sounds overqualified for the position.

-Well, I'd really like to help you you, pal,

but, uh, don't you think you're a little young to be working?

-But I have to work.

I need the money.

-Oh, I get it.

You're saving up for something special, huh?

What is it? A bike?

A new toy?

Something for the folks?

-A baby.

-Oh, a baby.

A baby?

You're saving up for a baby?

-Sure.

-I don't think I know what you're talking about.

Then again, I don't think you know what you're talking about.

-It's OK, Maurice.

I can look for a job somewhere else.

There must be some place in Chicago--

-Wait a minute.

I just remembered.

There is a position open.

Get in the back, get an apron, get a hat, and get to work.

-Thanks, Maurice. -Hey.

What are friends for?

I think I better call George.

Hey, Harry, are you catching any of this?

-I'm catching ptomaine.

-So, I guess you what you guys are telling

me is that no one can make a baby

with water and spices and stuff.

-Yep.

-Poor Samantha.

She just bought another bucket.

-Webster, you can't just make a baby brother or sister.

-Why not?

Other people do it.

-Grown-up people.

-Boy, kids aren't allowed to do anything.

-It isn't just because you're a kid.

Well, I mean it is.

But you see, to make a baby needs

a lot of love between a man and woman.

-Oh, you mean love like you love George?

-Exactly. That's exactly what I mean.

-Then you changed your mind!

You are gonna make me a baby brother.

-No, Web, we're not.

-But I really need one. -Why, though?

Why is it so important to you?

-I already told you.

-No, no, no, no, no.

You told me why you want a baby brother.

-Or sister. -Or sister.

What you didn't tell me is why you need one.

-I just do.

-Is it because you're lonesome?

-Well, I do get lonely sometimes.

-Well, Web, everybody gets lonely sometimes.

-But if I have a baby brother or sister,

they'd always be with me.

-But we'll always be with you.

-Yeah.

That's what my mommy and daddy used to say.

I don't want to be alone again.

-Honey, what happened to your mommy and daddy

is a terrible thing.

And I know that that frightened you.

Hm?

But you have to know that George and I plan

to be here for a long, long time.

-Yeah, I hope so.

I'm really getting used to you guys.

-And you know what, champ, we're getting

kind of used to you, too.

-Really?

-Really.

-Does this mean I'll never have a baby brother or sister?

-Oh, I'd never say never.

-Well, I never say never, either.

But for now, why don't we just work on being this family?

Hm?

Cause you're very special and George is very special.

-And you are, too, ma'am. -Thank you.

So why don't we just stay special?

[LAUGHS] Just the three of us.

What do you say?

-I love you guys.

KATHERINE AND GEORGE: I love you, too.

[INSTRUMENTAL THEME SONG]