[mischievous music] [George snoring]
[audience laughs]
- So I guess you finished cleaning your room up, huh?
[audience laughs]
♪ Set in my ways ♪
♪ Losing track of the days ♪
♪ Only me to live for ♪
♪ Had no need to give more ♪
♪ Than I wanted to ♪
♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪
♪ Never getting caught up ♪
♪ Love was never brought up ♪
♪ It's not the thing to do ♪
♪ Ooh, it was you ♪
♪ Then came you ♪
♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪
♪ Ooh, it was you ♪
♪ Then came you ♪
♪ You reeled me right in line, sinker, and hook ♪
♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪
♪ Then came you ♪
♪ It was you ♪
♪ Me and you ♪
♪ Then came you ♪
♪ It was you ♪
♪ Me and you ♪
♪ It was you and me ♪
♪ Then came you ♪
[lighthearted music]
- Married, single, divorced, separated.
Single.
[audience laughs]
Where are you presently working?
Living room.
[audience laughs]
- Hi, everybody.
Could I borrow your kitchen for a while?
- Absolutely. Just bring it back before breakfast.
[audience laughs]
- What's going on?
- Nothing's going on, but something's coming off!
About pounds.
[audience laughs]
- What's in the bag?
- Just a few of the foods Bill won't be eating anymore.
Potato chips, donuts
-
- Cookies, cupcakes, cream puffs, cheese balls.
- Why clutter up the kitchen?
You can put that stuff in my room.
[audience laughs]
- We're storing them, not sharing them.
- See, I have this foolproof plan.
If we store this junk food up here,
Bill won't be tempted anymore.
- Well, if you don't want 'em to be tempted,
why don't you just throw it all out?
- No!
- No!
[audience laughs]
No, I mean, there are millions of starving people
that have never had a cheese ball.
[audience laughs]
- I'm so proud of you, darling.
This is the longest you've ever stayed on a diet.
Must be minutes now.
[audience laughs]
- Hang in there, tiger.
- On your diet, are you allowed to eat strawberry sundaes
with whipped cream?
[audience laughs]
- Well, lemme check my list.
I have it right here.
Are you sure?
- Oh, come on, Bill!
How about a little nice raw cauliflower
with sprouts and wheatgrass?
I'll even put it in a ice cream dish for you.
[audience laughs]
- I'd rather mow the lawn orally.
[audience laughs]
- Hi!
Oh, hi!
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi!
- George, am I now or have I ever been
a member of the Communist Party?
[audience laughs]
[George chuckles]
- I really don't know. [chuckles]
- I'll put down no.
[audience laughs]
Okay.
Sign right here.
- What is it?
- Enlistment papers.
I'm joining the Marines.
[audience laughs]
- Isn't that funny?
I thought you said you were joining the Marines.
- That's exactly what I said, but I gotta hurry
because they're only looking for a few good men.
[audience laughs]
- Aren't you little young?
- Yeah, you're right.
I'll just probably have to settle for,
I don't know, a BB g*n.
- I could have sworn that you said you wanted a BB g*n.
- I did!
I didn't really wanna join the Marines,
but I do want a BB g*n.
[audience laughs]
- Watch my lips here.
No.
[audience laughs]
- But Andy, my friend, his older brother has one!
- If Andy's older brother jumped off a cliff,
would you jump off a cliff, huh?
I sound just like my father.
[audience laughs]
- Well, not exactly, honey.
It does sound different without the Greek accent.
[audience laughs]
- I'll pay for it out of my own allowance.
- No.
- Why?
- 'Cause I said so, that's why.
I did it again.
[audience laughs]
- Honey, what your father and his father are trying to say
is that a BB g*n can accidentally hurt someone.
- I'll be careful, I promise.
- What happened to the promise to help with the dishes,
help to clean up your room, help to take out the trash,
what happened to those promises?
- I didn't break those promises,
I just haven't got around for me yet.
- A BB g*n is a big responsibility.
I tell you what, I'll make you a deal.
If you help around the house without having to be reminded,
we'll discuss it.
- Yay. I can do that.
Thanks, Ma'am. Thanks, George.
You know what?
I'm gonna start right now.
- Hey, wait a minute.
Come here.
[audience laughs]
- Well, I think I handled that pretty well.
- You handled that pretty well?
He thinks he's getting a BB g*n.
- No, wrong.
He thinks he's getting a g*n if he lives up
to his end of the bargain.
Don't worry, George, we will not be buying a g*n.
- Well, call me old fashioned Katherine,
but couldn't we just have said no?
- No, my child psychology professor said
that a flat definitive no is not good for a child
'cause it cuts them out of the decision making process.
- So?
- Well, so it's a good exercise in decision making.
Besides, I don't think parents should make no an absolute.
- Where were you when I was nine years old
and wanted a monkey?
[audience laughs]
- The point is that your father said no
and you've never gotten over it.
- Well, I'm gonna tell you something, darling,
he's gonna do the same thing I did with my father.
He's gonna bug us and bug us and bug us.
- George, when you were a kid,
wasn't there any one thing you wanted more
than anything else in the world?
And then when you got it, you didn't want it anymore.
- Diane Burke.
[audience laughs]
- Well, I think that Webster just has a passing fancy.
- What if it isn't a passing fancy, darling,
what if today is a BB g*n and tomorrow is a bazooka?
[audience laughs]
- George, come on.
You're carrying this thing a little too far.
- Darling, read this and weep.
Omaha, Nebraska, year old Floyd Zetweiler
accidentally m*rder*d his sleeping parents with a shovel.
[audience laughs]
- Fine. We won't get him a shovel!
[audience laughs]
[playful music]
- Hi!
Oh, look at this!
You have washed and dried the breakfast dishes.
- Yes. And put them away.
So maybe there's something, I don't know,
you'd like to give me?
[audience laughs]
- Absolutely!
A compliment!
You are doing very well.
- Thanks.
- Oh, my favorite.
Bread and butter.
[audience laughs]
- Yes. And did you check my room?
I put away my clothes and my toys and I made my bed.
- Your hospital coroners would put any nurse to shame.
- Now I'm filing your coupons.
- Oh, that's very thoughtful.
- See, you had 'em all mixed up.
You had the detergent mixed up with the chocolate pudding.
So I fixed them.
I'm filing them by color.
[audience laughs]
- You know, if this is a result
of our little discussion about responsibility,
you are doing extremely well.
- Yeah, I don't see how I can be any more responsibler.
[audience laughs]
- Responsibility is an ongoing thing, you know?
It's not just two, three days.
But if you keep up the good work, maybe,
and that's a big maybe, that BB g*n could be yours.
- Yay!
- But!
You're gonna have to take lessons
to learn how to handle a g*n.
You know, when I was ,
my father taught me how to sh**t skeet.
- Are those the little furry things to eat slugs?
[audience laughs]
- I'm not exactly sure what they are.
I know you shout, "Pull!"
and out comes some something that looks like
a giant breath mint.
[audience laughs]
- Give me a chance, Ma'am.
I can sh**t a breath mint!
- But you see, you have to earn that.
You have to learn, if you're gonna own a g*n, if,
you're gonna have to learn how to take care of it.
How and when to use it, how to clean it, where to store it.
- And I thought cowboys just hung 'em up at night.
- You know, I could have sworn that somewhere in here.
I had coupons for frozen broccoli.
- I tossed them.
I thought the chocolate pudding was a much better buy.
[audience laughs]
[playful music]
- Boy, that really hit the spot.
You know, this was a pretty rough day.
- No kidding.
I was completely pooped after long division.
I couldn't believe it when Ms. Toski
started in our fractions!
- I don't know about you,
but every couple of hours my brain needs recess.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't sit there, I just made the bed.
And try not to get any crumbs on the floor.
I just vacuum cleaned it.
- How come you have to do all this stuff?
- Well, Ma'am said, if I can show her that I'm responsible
she'd let me have a BB g*n.
- Lucky!
My brother's got a BB g*n,
but he won't let me anywhere near it.
- Hi, Bill.
- Hi.
- You want anything?
- Yeah, I mean, yeah, I think it's high time
we got this darn table leg fixed.
- What's wrong with it?
- Well, don't you remember,
you told me the table was wobbly?
- I did?
- Well, somebody did and I...
We better get it fixed before somebody gets hurt.
- Maybe when my brother Mike gets married,
he'll let me have his BB g*n.
- [Webster] You think that'll happen anytime soon?
- I doubt it.
Who'd marry Mike?
- Bill, if you're looking for the milk,
it's a little to your left.
[audience laughs]
[calm music]
- Oh, hey, Web!
- Hi, Mike and Andy, what are you doing here?
- We're on a secret mission.
- Hey, just gimme the two bucks, will ya?
Okay.
Here are the BBs.
You remember how to load it, don't you?
- Sure I do. I was there when dad taught you that.
- Now I want it back in my room by sundown.
If not, check your cereal for crickets.
- Thanks, Mike.
You're everything a guy could want and a big brother.
- And will you please be careful?
If anybody gets hurt, I get in trouble.
- Well, what do you think?
- I think you just wasted $.
- Why? This is the chance to learn how to sh**t a BB g*n!
You told me your folks said
that you were going to have to learn.
- I kind of got the idea that they wanted to teach me.
- This will save them all that trouble.
- Well, maybe it would make it a little easier
if I go ahead and pick up a few pointers.
- Sure, I'll show you how to work it.
- Okay.
- What gonna sh**t?
- Oh, I have some empty cans in here.
Let's see.
[audience laughs]
There.
Spinach and asparagus.
- Let's sh**t the spinach first.
I hate spinach.
- I'll go set 'em up.
- Just pumped this thing and pull the trigger.
[audience chuckling faintly]
- Now, you have to get behind me.
You should never stand in front of a g*n, no matter what.
We're gonna have to be very, very careful.
- Go ahead.
Put that spinach can out of its misery.
[audience laughs]
[g*n loading]
[g*n fires] [can clanging]
Awesome!
Can I try?
- Sure. I think that one's got your name on it.
[audience chuckles]
[audience laughs]
[g*n fires]
- My mistake.
I think it says Webster.
[audience laughs]
So, you're the asparagus that sh*t my dog.
[audience laughs]
[g*n fires] [can clanging]
- Well, I would've hit if it wasn't for the wind!
- There isn't any wind.
- I knew I was counting on it though.
[audience laughs]
- Two out of two isn't bad.
- You're a natural!
[audience laughs]
Hey, bet you can't hit that leaf up there.
The one on the crooked branch.
- Bet you I can.
[g*n loading]
[g*n fires]
I missed.
- Well, you hit something?
You sh*t a bird!
- I couldn't have!
I was aiming for that leaf up there.
- Maybe it just tripped and fell.
[audience laughs]
- Yes, please be okay. Please fly away.
Please, please, please, please.
How bad is he?
- About as bad as he can get.
He's dead.
[g*ns clangs on the floor]
[somber music]
- I k*lled him.
[somber music]
[gentle music]
Every time I don't listen to Ma'am and George,
I end up getting into trouble.
- You didn't do it on purpose.
- It doesn't matter. It's not gonna bring him back.
- Maybe we shouldn't tell anybody.
- Yeah.
If Ma'am and George every find out,
they'd never trust me again.
I'm going to have to be perfect for the rest of my life
just to make up for today.
- Aren't you supposed to say a prayer
or something at a funeral?
- I know what to say over a dead bird.
Why don't you start?
- Me? I didn't even know him!
You're the one who sh*t him!
[audience laughs]
Sorry.
- You're right.
Mr. Bird, I didn't know you
but I'm sure you were really nice.
Oh, please forgive me!
I'll never do it again!
- Amen. Come on, Web.
- Please, I'll never hurt anything again.
I'm sorry. Amen.
[faint chirping]
- Were those birds here before?
[faint chirping]
- Must be family.
[audience laughs]
[gentle music]
- Well, I really want to thank you
for washing my car this afternoon.
It was very nice.
- Mm
-hmm!
- You're welcome.
- And putting all the spices in alphabetical order?
It's really gonna come in handy.
Someday. For someone.
[audience laughs]
- And you know what else?
That shower grout, top of the line.
Never looked better
- Well, Bill did it, but I helped.
- Bill was up here again?
My goodness, he's turning into the perfect landlord.
- It's about time.
[George chuckles]
- And after he did it, he had a half box of peanut brittle.
[audience laughs]
- Maybe if he stays on this diet long enough,
we can have him redo the kitchen.
[audience laughs]
- May I be excused?
- No dessert?
- We're having cherry pie a la mode.
- No thanks.
I have to do my homework and
-
- Honey, it's okay.
I didn't make it.
- See, I have to do my homework and then I'll go to bed.
- Are you crazy?
"Captain Satellite" is on tonight.
- I know.
- You know?
He's gonna have the Three Stooges on!
- Well, see, I have to get up early enough
so I can wash the morning dishes, and then I go to school.
Good night, Ma'am.
- I am very impressed
with the way you've been helping out around here.
- I'm just trying to be perfect.
- Well, you're getting there little by little every day.
[Katherine sighs]
You know, he really has kept up
his end of the bargain, George.
I think we're gonna have to get him that BB g*n.
- Oh, boy, well, we're gonna have to
really lay down some rules.
Now, number one, when he isn't using that BB g*n,
that BB g*n is gonna be in our closet locked up.
- Absolutely!
He can only use it when one of us is with him.
- And number two, he can only use it for target practice
on some f*ring range.
- Agreed.
- And number three, darling,
which is very important,
we're not gonna get him that shovel.
[audience laughs]
- Did you feel that?
- What?
- The tremor!
- Well, come on, Bill.
Chicago isn't exactly the capital of earthquake country.
- That is what they'd like us to believe!
I better check this house for structural damage,
just in case!
I can see you're busy out here,
so I'll just go in the living room.
Oh, there this again! Look at that!
[playful music]
- George!
- Katherine!
Where've you been? I've been getting worried here.
Web and I already ate.
- I had no idea how complicated
this whole thing was going to be.
I mean, it wasn't that difficult to buy the g*n,
but the place to sh**t is miles out of town.
- miles? Isn't there anything closer?
- No.
As a matter of fact, it's against the law of fire a g*n
in the city limits.
Anyway, at the sh**ting range I found,
there's a retired police officer who's gonna show Webster
everything he needs to know next weekend.
- Then I guess it's settled, we're gonna give him the g*n.
- Oh, yes, honey. I think we have to.
Web!
Can you come down for a minute?
- Okay, darling.
But we're gonna have to make it very clear about the rules.
- Oh, I can't wait to see his little face
when he opens this.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
- Did you get any more jobs for me to do?
- No, we want to talk to you
- Webster, do you remember that little chat we had
about the BB g*n and responsibility?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And how your father and I didn't think
that you were ready for it, but that you thought you were.
- I didn't mean it, honest!
- Sure you did!
And you have done it, you have earned this.
[Webster screams]
[audience laughs]
That is not the reaction I expected.
[gentle music]
- Did he say anything before he d*ed?
[audience laughs]
Web, where were you aiming?
- That leaf up in that crooked branch.
I didn't mean to, but it just happened.
I feel so bad, Ma'am.
- Oh, honey, I know you do.
- k*lling that bird was the worst thing I ever did
in my whole life.
- Well, that should tell both of us
that you're not ready for a BB g*n.
- Don't worry. I'm in no hurry.
- Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Oh, boy, I don't like the looks of this.
- Oh.
- It's even worse than I thought.
I k*lled a mother bird.
- Well, maybe there's something you can do.
- What? I'll do anything.
- Well, even though those shells are very, very cold,
maybe we can help those babies.
- You remember in your school project
when you hatch those duck eggs in the incubator?
- Yeah!
- Well, if we kept them warm,
maybe you could take them to school on Monday.
- Do I have to sit on them all weekend?
[audience laughs]
- No, I think a heating pad would be better, don't you?
- Yeah.
Thanks, Ma'am. Thanks George.
I feel better already.
[gentle music]
- Has Bill finished painting the kitchen yet?
- I doubt it, there's still two bags of potato chips left.
[audience laughs]
- I know Bill has been sneaking up here to snack.
- But I thought you wanted him to stop eating between meals?
- Stop William 'The Refrigerator'
Parker from eating?
Get serious.
- Well then why did you bring up
all your junk food to our kitchen?
I've put on five pounds.
- Well, look at all the exercise he's been getting,
running up and down the stairs, up and down the ladder.
You should try it.
[audience laughs]
I'll go hug what's left of him.
[audience laughs]
- Cigars for everyone!
My eggs hatched and I'm a daddy!
- Hooray, congratulations!
- Hey, congratulations!
- Silly dance!
[audience laughs]
See, I took pictures of them, I fed 'em,
I picked 'em up.
You know, Andy's older brother is right
about all the different things you can do with chicks!
[audience laughs]
- I'm gonna have to call that boy's mother.
[audience laughs]
- Anyway. I named 'em Ma'am, George, and Webster.
- Oh!
- Oh, isn't that nice?
[audience laughs] [playful music]
- Webster...
- Will be back...
- In a moment.
[Webster giggles]
[gentle music]
- See, Bill? A nice green salad full of fresh vegetables.
What more could you ask for?
- Dinner.
[audience laughs]
- Come on, Bill!
It's healthy, it's all natural, and tastes great!
- Less filling.
- It tastes great!
- Less filling.
- It tastes great!
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
- George, Katherine, I know this is supposed to be fresh,
but I think one of my anchovies just moved.
[audience chuckles]
- You kidder, you.
- Ma'am, George, I have to feed the baby birds now.
Where's my jar of worms?
[audience laughs] [playful music]
[cheerful music]
[triumphant music]
03x22 - Farewell to Arms
Watch/Buy Amazon
Set in Chicago, revolves around Webster Long, a 5-year-old African American orphan whose biological parents were recently k*lled in a car accident and is taken in by his godfather, retired football star George Papadopolis.
Set in Chicago, revolves around Webster Long, a 5-year-old African American orphan whose biological parents were recently k*lled in a car accident and is taken in by his godfather, retired football star George Papadopolis.