05x24 - Rub-a-Dub-Dub

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

MAN: ♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

BOTH: ♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

WEBSTER: Ma'am, George! Ma'am, George!

Here, you won.

KATHERINE: Yeah? What did we win?

Uh, you won first place in the PTA raffle.

We did? Oh!

We did! A deluxe hydromatic indoor spa.

We were thinking about redoing the bath.

This could be perfect.

I knew this was my lucky day when we had a fire drill

right before I had to give my book report.

Uh-oh. Wait a minute. We can't accept this.

Why? Why?

Listen to this.

"First prize donated by Calvin Berke's World O' Tubs."

Remember Calvin the nudist and his wife the nudist.

We spent a year with them one weekend.

Yeah, I kind of blocked that from my mind,

though I-I do have a memory

of being in a cabin with a duck phone

and being served wine from a box.

I lost count of the times that that man said,

"Are we having any fun yet?"

[ Clears throat ] But, you know,

this is, um, just going to be installed

by Calvin Berke's company.

It doesn't mean that he'd actually show up here himself.

George, think Jacuzzi.

Remember when we had a Jacuzzi in our room in Aspen,

and we came home with all those unused lift tickets?

Oh, darling.

Please, please, please, George.

I mean, second prize is really crummy.

Tango lessons.

This is worth $,.

Well, I guess it would help my back.

I'll tell you one thing, though.

I'm not signing

any service contracts with that man.

You know, when you and I g*ng up on him together,

it's just not fair at all.

I know.

Say, folks, we just put your old bathtub in the backyard.

Oh, great!

Maybe Webster will think it's a swimming pool.

Yeah, we could put a little lawn furniture around it.

Hey, there, Katherine! Georgie!

[ Laughs ] Are we having fun yet, huh?!

[ Laughs ]

Oh, Calvin Berke. [ Chuckles ]

We were wondering if we'd have -- if we'd get to see you.

Are you kidding?

Calvin Berke takes pride in his product.

I am gonna supervise this installation

from beginning to end.

[ Chuckles ]

How beautiful.

Well, I'd like to stand here and sh**t the breeze,

but I'm a little late for work, so if you'll excuse me.

I understand. I understand.

I remember the grind of working for somebody else, huh?

Punching that old time clock. [ Chuckles ]

Brutal. Yeah.

Yeah, oh, hold on a second there, will you, big guy?

I do need your John Henry on just a couple of papers here.

What am I signing?

Well, just your standard releases, you know?

Materials, labor, that kind of thing.

There.

Kind of ironic, huh?

Just a couple of months ago,

you were drooling over my tub up at the cabin there,

and here I am putting one in for you.

A total freebie. [ Laughs ]

Calvin, um...

We're not getting the same faucets

with the spitting mermaids, are we?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

That -- That's a specialty item.

I can't be giving that away for free.

[ Clicks tongue ] Darn.

All right. Thanks, buddy.

[ Laughs ] Hey, hey.

You want to spice up that sportscast a little bit?

Try this -- Lions , Christians nothing.

[ Laughing ]

Hey, guys!

Are we having fun yet?!

I'll stay here awhile, call you when he's gone.

[ Sighs ]

WOMAN: George! Hi!

Oh, no.

[ Singsong voice ] Yoo-hoo-hoo?

Katherine?

It's me!

Barbie!

[ Gasps ]

There you are!

Oh. Barbie.

[ Thud ]

[ Chuckles ] Uh -- Uh, lost a pencil.

Oh, well, I am just so glad you are here.

We have a lot of decisions to make.

Excuse me?

We at World O' Tubs

offer a complete interior decorating package.

Me! [ Giggles ]

Now, what do you think about this?

As wallpaper or to wrap leftovers?

Well, you have to imagine it

offset by the chandelier and the ceramic Cupids.

Yeah.

Barbie, I have to acknowledge

your superior expertise in this area,

but George and I have decided

that we're just gonna do the tub, and that's it.

Oh. Yeah.

Ohhh!

I understand.

Hubby won't spring for the extra, huh?

Well, I always believed

God wouldn't have given us feminine wiles

if he didn't want us to use them.

[ Chuckles ]

Do you want to hear how I got this ring?

Oh, gosh, I'd love to, but I'm late for work.

You know, today they're giving out

new parking assignments at the center,

and I don't want to be put next to the dumpster again.

Bye.

Bye.

KATHERINE: That Calvin Berke may be a bore,

but he sure knows his tubs.

GEORGE: And that extra jet sure surprised me.

[ Both laughing ]

Oh, wait a minute, darling.

Wait a minute. What is all this?

I thought we were just gonna see a movie.

Well, my darling,

if you're going to see "An Affair to Remember,"

it might as well be a memorable affair.

Oh, sweetheart. I can go for that.

Mmm.

MAN: We'll be right back

with Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr

in "An Affair to Remember."

CALVIN: Hi! I'm Classy Cal from World O' Tubs!

And I'm Barbie!

Hey, no need to put off

buying that bathroom entertainment center any longer.

We're offering hundreds off on this beauty right here --

just like the one we installed

in the home of George Papadapolis.

George Papadapolis? Isn't he on TV?

That's right, Barbie. He's a famous sportscaster.

[ Chuckles ] Girls.

Did he get the five-year warranty

against cracks, splits, peels, and blisters?

You betcha.

He also got our patented no-slip bottom.

The only thing he didn't get was...

the top!

[ Squealing, giggling ]

We've got hundreds of models at easy terms.

So come on down and take the plunge!

George did! George did!

[ Giggling ]

Congratulations, folks.

You have not only bought a tub,

you've made an investment in your future.

Free sponge?

Yeah! Oh, thanks.

Say, does, uh, George Papadapolis

really have one of these?

You betcha. I installed it myself.

I'll tell you what,

when this baby is delivered on Monday morning,

you are gonna be the envy of your trailer court.

[ Laughs ]

Look! It's him.

I told you -- They can't say it if it isn't true.

It's kind of sad, huh? I wonder if he needs the money.

[ Gasps ]

[ Laughs ]

Cal! Look who's here.

There's the second-most-popular guy on the block.

Can we talk?

I bet you saw the commercial.

Yes.

All last night.

Can you believe we did all of those in one day?

Yes, I can believe it was in one day.

I want them off the air today.

[ Chuckling ] What? I can't do that, George.

We just signed a deal with the Home Shopping Club.

Cal, who gave you the right to use my name like that?

Well, frankly, George, you did. The other day at the house.

What are you...? [ Chuckles ]

You know, I have always followed

two fundamental rules of business, George.

One -- never sign anything you haven't read.

And two, never let your customers see you eat.

It's all here in black and white.

Back page.

That's my name.

"The undersigned hereby releases for promotional purposes

any use of his name or likeness."

This is so small.

Like I said, it's -- it's a standard release.

Listen, let me just explain something to you.

I'm a sportscaster. I don't want to --

I don't want to hawk tubs on television.

Well... [ Chuckles ]

Hold on a second here.

You mean you get a $, state-of-the-art hydro massage

with a clog-free aerator, and this is the thanks I get?

Gee, Cal, if George really wants out,

we could always go back to your other idea

where we play Jim and Tammy Faye!

Now, stay out of this, Barbie.

The man signed a binding contract.

It's nothing personal, George. It's -- It's just business.

You understand.

You know what I think you should do?

I think you should sit down in one of those tubs

and clean your act up.

That's what I think you should do.

[ Sighs ] Well, John, okay,

but we did want a lawyer's opinion.

Thank you.

Man, that tub is awesome.

When you turn the jets up full blast,

it's better than a water slide.

You mean this is your second bath today?

Yes. But the first without an inner tube.

Boy, I can't wait until I get dirty again.

I've always wondered what's behind the refrigerator.

Would you care to find out?

Good idea.

It's kind of what we thought.

We could sue for misrepresentation,

but you did sign the contract, so it's kind of iffy.

Iffy?

A man goes to Harvard Law School for three years

to learn the word "iffy"?

Well, we -- we could give the tub back.

I mean, if we gave the tub back,

then he couldn't legally say that you were using it, right?

Oh, Katherine,

it's gonna cost us $, to yank that thing.

I know.

Too bad we didn't win the tango lessons.

Or the two tickets to Ruth Buzzi in "Aida."

Wait a minute, what's -- where's this water coming from?

Oh, no.

Maybe Webster's knocked over his aquarium again.

Katherine, get something. No, it's...

I'll get a pot. Here.

It's from Cal's tub!

Oh, my God! I got to shut off the water!

Okay. Here.

Aah!

It appears [Spits] we have passed that point.

Oh, sweetheart, sweetheart,

I know you're -- I know you're wet,

but this is fantastic!

Are you crazy?

This was dry-clean only.

Oh, sweet-- sweetheart, don't you get it?

Don't you get it? Cal's tub busted our pipes.

We've got him!

Gee.

I don't know.

It's kind of...big.

Big? [ Chuckles ] Give you a hand.

Hey, my friend,

you don't plan on using this thing alone, do you, huh?

Mm?

Oh, y-- oh.

Oh.

Ohh, I guess not.

[ Laughs ] Attaboy, huh?

Free sponge?

BARBIE: Cal? Look who's here.

Here's a list of options.

You might want to consider a hair trap.

Uh...

Well, George, uh... what brings you around?

Oh, well, I was in the neighborhood,

and I wanted to show you something.

Uh, excuse me, but does that tub also come in blue?

Oh, yes, it comes in blue. I have one at my house.

Here, take a look.

Oh! This is beautiful.

Yeah, I -- I'm particularly proud

of, uh, this installation.

Here's another angle.

Oh, just imagine what it would look like

with flocked wallpaper.

Here's kind of one you don't see very often.

It's, uh, from underneath.

How did you get this?

From the hole in the ceiling of my kitchen.

And here's the broken pipe

and the plaster that k*lled my toaster.

[ Laughs ]

These sports guys are some jokers, aren't they?

Thank you, Mr. Papadapolis.

You just saved me five grand.

Anytime.

Are we having fun yet?

Calvin, this is awful!

Oh, you've got to do something about this, honey.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're absolutely right about that.

You have got my best plaster man at cost.

Unh-unh. No, no, no, no.

I want you to take those commercials off the air.

And then maybe, just maybe, I won't sue you.

[ Laughs ] You believe this guy?

I mean, he gets a little moisture in his kitchen,

he's practically dragging me up the courthouse steps.

A little moisture in my kitchen?

We've been having to wear boots during dinner.

Cal, honey. Uh, I think George has a point.

Barbo, please. [ Chuckles ]

Where's the proof, George?

I mean, uh, that plumbing in your house is so old,

I'm surprised we didn't find cave drawings inside the walls.

Cal, didn't you say something

about something not fitting right?

Barbie, don't you have something to do?

I don't think so.

Well, go straighten out those stupid sample books, then, huh?

Oh!

Cal, I don't want this to get ugly.

You're right.

You win. You got me.

You got me by the clams here, pal.

[ Chuckles ]

I am about to make you a very generous offer.

So?

I will pull my extensive plans for billboards,

and I will go halfsies with you on all the repairs,

but I get to keep the TV ads.

That's fair, isn't it?

See you in court.

Court?!

Hey! Hey, you don't scare me, you know?!

I've been sued before!

Plenty of times.

[ Doorbell rings ]

[ Loudly ] Better be someone I know or wearing a badge.

It's me, Katherine! Barbie.

Oh, no.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I-I know it's late.

I-I hope I'm not bothering you.

Oh, no, no.

I was just having this incredible dream --

you know, when you're out in public

and suddenly you look down and you're wearing --

Nothing?

No. Jeans.

Katherine...

I left Cal!

Yeah?

We had a terrible fight because I stuck up for George.

Ohh.

So I finally took a stand.

I resigned as World O' Tubs interior design coordinator.

Well, good for you!

Good?

I haven't felt this awful

since my curling iron shorted out

and left me with a bald spot.

[ Laughs ]

Big changes don't come without a price.

Tell me about it. It hasn't grown back yet.

No, no, I meant...

Never mind.

You know, Barbie, I think it would be a good idea

if you could spend the night with a good friend.

Is there someone I can call for you?

No. No?

Calvin was my only friend.

Ohh.

That is the saddest thing I ever heard.

Oh.

Here.

Oh, thank you.

You know...

these come in a full rainbow of colors.

[ Crying ] Peach...

would really pull this room together.

Hmm, just to think I spent thousands on redecorating,

and all the time my problem was in a tissue.

Mm-hmm.

Katherine, what the heck is going on here?

For a moment upstairs, I thought it was that airhead B-B...

[ Stammering ] Hi, George.Hi, George.

Barbie's here. She's having a tough night.

We're going to go in the kitchen, put the kettle on,

and have a cup of tea.

Come on.

Oh, Katherine,

I just don't know what I'm gonna do.

Of course you do.

You're gonna get another decorating job.

You are licensed, I assume?

Well, of course.

You can't do your job if you can't drive a car.

This is a dream.

[ Pounding on door ]

George, it's me -- Calvin Berke.

Oh, no. This isn't a dream. This is a nightmare.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

[ Sighs ]

I'm ready to settle, George.

At : a.m.?

Well, a real winner knows when he's been beaten.

Maybe that'll make sense to me in the morning.

I'm -- I'm pulling the whole campaign,

and, uh, I'm willing to fix all your damages,

no matter what the cost.

Oh.

Calvin, you're finally doing what's right.

Right?

I don't think it's right.

I'm just doing this so I can get my Barbie back.

She left me, George.

She -- She left all her credit cards at home,

and Lord only knows what seamy dive she's holed up in.

Let me see if I have this right.

Uh, Barbie isn't gonna come back to you

unless you square things with me?

It sounds crazy, but she's been a different woman

since she started watching "Cagney & Lacey."

You know, come to think of it, uh,

there was extensive damage done to the ceiling.

Oh, I'll fix that.

Oh, and the lamps.

I'll take care of that.

Tables, chairs, china, and the Persian rugs.

Look, I'll cover the whole room in marble if you want.

Just let me go out and find my...

[ Sobbing ]

...my Barbie!

I'm sorry you had to see that, George.

Well, I'm off.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

She's in there.

Barbie!

Barbie! Booby! Barbie! Baby!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Good God, what happened?

Darling, he's gonna give us everything

just to get his Barbie back.

It was less than an hour,

but my life was nothing without you.

Oh, Barbo.

I say we give them five minutes

and then go up and turn on the tub and flood them out.

I'll love you until the th of never.

Oh, Calvin! Calvin, that is so beautiful.

[ Squeals ]

[ Water dripping ]

Calvin, where is that water coming from?

[ Water splashes ]

[ Theme song plays ]