02x01 - A Night Court Before Christmas

[bunniefuu]

Happy Chris-wanza-kah Solstice

for the winter spirits, everyone.

You left out Boxing Day and
Flobert's Canadian by marriage.

If we weren't such tolerant people,

I'd be taking my nog in the hall.

Open my gifts next.

Why aren't you opening?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg pearls.

And they're court worn.

The criminal records

of the meanest mean girls
in my law school.

Holy cow. Dave & Buster's gift cards!

That's my favorite restaurant
andmy favorite store.

Gift giving... sorta my thing.

I haven't given a bad one since 2013

when I got my cousin that trip
to rock star fantasy camp.

How was I supposed to know
there'd be so many STDs?

And now for the Dan finale!

It will have to wait because
your gift still isn't here yet.

So I guess we just go work.

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa.
I haven't given out my gifts.

Well, I guess we didn't
expect gifts from you,

based on your core nature
and everything you've done

in your life up to this point.

Shows you what you know.

Scratch-off lottery tickets.
You shouldn't have.

And I suspect, almost didn't.

And you signed the back,

because who doesn't love an autograph?

The signature guarantees that
I get a cut of the winnings.

You know, it's the thought that counts,

and, well, I think I deserve more money.

I don't buy it, Dan.

You get caught up in the holiday spirit

just like the rest of us.

I suppose there is something magical

- about this time of year.
- Why are you smiling?

I mean, it's what I wanted, but
now that it's happening, yikes!

Tonight, a lot of people's Christmases

are gonna be ruined because of you.

And I think that's fun.

But to put it in more festive terms,

'Twas the night before Christmas,

and all through the court,

there were sex workers
and muggers, of every odd sort.

There were pub-crawling Santas
and pickpockets and drifters,

and a pretty tough Kn*fe-fight
between two angry re-gifters.

The festive old Judge,
who just loved the season,

was crushed all night long
by hard facts and cold reason.

She wanted to be Rudolph,
or maybe a cartoon St. Bernard,

but because it's her job,
she had to Grinch it real hard.

Despite a perfect defense,
off to prison they'll head.

Merry Chris-w*nk*r-whatever

and all that sugary crap, she said.

Okay. He did a whole poem.

That guy totally likes Christmas!

When a kid sets a series
of elaborate traps

to catch burglars, it's "Home Alone."

When a grown man does it to
a Postmate, it's a "Saw" movie.

Enjoy jail, ya filthy animal.

When I was a kid,
I reverse Home Alone'd.

I left my family and went to France.

That's disappointing.
The last three guys pulled off

the old, "But Your Honor,
it's Christmas."

Sorry to ruin your poem, Dan,

but this isn't bothering me at all.

Your rhyme should have
gone something like

"'Twas the night before Christmas,

and Dan was a jerk... at work."

There's no way you came up
with all that on the spot.

The People vs. Tess Potter.

The defendant is charged
with disturbing the peace.

She tried to lead an uprising
against a mall Santa

she accused of taking too many breaks.

Your Honor, Miss Potter and her daughter

were standing in line for three hours

waiting to see Mr. Kringle.

Oh, did I mention that
her daughter has rosy cheeks

and an adorable lisp?

[WITH A LISP] And this is
her first Christmas...

since the divorce.

Objection. [BABY-TALK] Pandewing.

I sympathize, but I'm not sure

that the best way to capture
the holiday spirit

is to "bust into Santa's
dumb little house

and drag his fat ass back to work."

She did not know
that Santa's little house

was also his bathroom.

I needed her to meet Santa

so I could find out
what she wants for Christmas.

She thinks if she tells
anyone else, it won't come true.

Those are birthday candle rules.

Her father told her
that's how it worked,

to screw with me before he left
for Cabo with his new girlfriend

and her parents who are my age.

I know you're having a hard time,

but you also traumatized a group of kids

and the free sample guy
from Orange Julius.

- So $500 fine.
- But, Your Honor...

[GASPS] Here it comes!

... it's Christmas.

Aren't you supposed to be watching me

until my mom gets back from processing?

You're good. I got to keep refreshing.

My perfect gift streak is in jeopardy,

because Dan's present
still hasn't shown up.

What did you get him?

A video message from his hero,
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

I guess that's okay.

Gurgs? I need a favor.

This is a witness in a case later.

She thinks she's
the Ghost of Christmas Present,

and I got to keep an eye on her.

Until you appreciate the true
meaning of Christmas!

Until I can get her a psych evaluation.

- Can you watch her for me?
- I'd love to,

but I've got to watch Virginia.

I mean, I guess we could trade.

Kid or delusional ghost?

Let's go, bathrobe.

That kid's stuck here on Christmas Eve?

Oh, I wish there was something
I could do.

You know, before you feel too
bad, just know that her dad

is definitely coming back
from Cabo with cornrows.

She can't blame you for that.

Sorry, Dan. I wasn't listening.

I gotta go save Christmas.

Hey. I think you could
pull off cornrows.

Hey, you're not a good friend.

Miss Potter.

I think I can get your
daughter's Christmas list.

Oh, it's a Christmas miracle.

Getting her list and waiving my fine?

It was worth a sh*t.

I'm gonna go check the lost
and found for wedding rings,

'cause apparently those things
don't mean anything any more.

- Hi, Virginia. I'm Abby.
- Nice to meet you.

Hmm. No lisp. Dan!

I'm really sorry that you
didn't get to talk to Santa,

- but I might be the next best thing.
- You're an elf?

No, I'm... I'm not an elf.

Then why are you tiny
and look like my keychain?

I'm a judge, and I got
Santa Claus connections,

so is there anything that
you'd like me to give to him?

- Maybe a letter?
- I already gave him my letter

- when I saw him in the cafeteria.
- Oh, that's smart.

Let's go see if he has any follow-ups.

Here's a room full of holiday spirit.

And that spirit appears
to be mostly vodka.

All right, Virginia.

Which one of these Santas
did you give your letter to?

Is it that one taking a table nap,

or that one all cozied up on the ground?

Where did all these Santas come from?

Well, every year, the city's
drunks gather together

for a gin-soaked freak fest
known as SantaCon.

Maybe she's too young
to learn about SantaCon.

Fair enough.

Virginia, these are
Santa's body doubles.

- Are you familiar with S*ddam Hussein?
- I got an idea.

Why don't you take Virginia
somewhere else

and I'll track down the real Santa?

- [LAUGHS]
- [MUMBLING]

This is gonna be harder
than that "Where's Waldo?"

when he went to the candy cane factory.

Bottom left corner!

Behold!

That woman texting loved ones
at this joyous time of year.

Kind of makes you want to
change your miserly ways, huh?!

You know [CLEARS THROAT]

don't take this the wrong way,
but you're not much of a ghost.

You're just looking around the room

and telling me things
that are happening.

In the Christmas present,

nudging you towards
your Christmas epiphany.

Here's my epiphany... You're only here

because you witnessed a peeping tom

spying on his ex-girlfriend
from a fire escape.

I would have been up there, too,

but I dropped my turkey leg.

Oh, behold!
Another person on their phone!

- I need some water.
- I'll go with you.

I have to wash my turkey leg.

Why would you care about germs
if you're a ghost?!

Your website said my Kareem
video would be here by now.

What could be possibly
be the hold... up?

Ooh, uh, let me call you back.
Mr. Abdul-Jabbar.

- You're not a video.
- You're Gurgs, right?

I was so moved by what you wrote
about your friend,

I decided to give this "angel on earth"

the best present ever... me.

Wow. Now your gift
is going to be way better!

Kareem, would you be a lamb

and straighten that ceiling tinsel?

On it.

Virginia, we are capital-F Fudged.

- Dan's gonna hate this.
- Why?

You said he loves Kareem.

Yeah, on a tiny screen, not in person.

Dan hates people.

That's why my video was perfect.

Dan would get to hold a living legend

in the palm of his hand, mute and unmute

this titan at will, like a God.

That's how Dan gets his kicks.

Not by meeting somebody
richer and taller than him!

So, the deal is I help you
pat down a roomful

of over-served Santas looking
for some kid's Christmas list.

And to sweeten the deal,
I get nothing in return?

Well, you could get this ticket back.

Ooh! I've got a bag full of tickets.

Lenny, can we have the hall?

You're right.
You do have a lot of tickets.

Do any of them have...

[GASPS] Double plums!

Yeah, that's right.

Looks like we're on our way
to a real nice ticket here.

Be a damn shame if something
were to happen to it.

Wh... [BLOWS]

Abracadabra Stone, you look at me.

Double plums... that's one plum
away from $1 million.

Could be ours, Abby... yours and mine.

Help me save this little girl's
Christmas,

and the ticket's yours.

Refuse, and I roast your plums.

Oh. [BLOWS]

Do I look like someone who
loves money more than Christmas?

No. It disgusts me.

All right. Did a letter girl
give you a letter tonight?

This is the worst date
I've ever been on.

Your dad seems cool.

I think most of this is dr*gs.

If it is, the elves put 'em
in there without my knowledge.

Yes, I am a man of size.
Yes, I have a lush beard.

Must I therefore be accosted

every time I wear
my favorite athleisure suit?

At least you get cookies.

What I want is some damn respect!

If you wanna talk to Santa,
you know what you have to do.

- Do you have the letter or not?
- I do not.

Hey, hey, hey. This is stupid.

We're not gonna get anywhere like this.

There are like 30 Santas left in here.

We could skip the ones
with the face tattoos.

Oh, fine. There are 26 Santas
left in here.

- Naughty!
- Ow! What the hell was...

Naughty. Naughty.

- Nice.
- Hey!

Naughty. Virginia had one
of these elf keychains.

He must be her Santa.

Yeah, his keychain looks just like...

I'm not an elf!

♪ I won't talk until I get some ♪

♪ I won't talk until I get some ♪

♪ No, I won't talk until I get some ♪

♪ So give me more beer ♪

Just answer the question.

Did you get a letter from a little girl?

Yeah, I got a letter.
But why would it help you?

You're the lady who found me guilty.

- I want my lawyer.
- I am your lawyer.

- What if we gave you this?
- Holy crap. Two plums.

Hey, those are my plums.

All right, fine.
The ticket for the letter.

Here, take it.

You know what? It really doesn't matter.

If it's a winner, I still get half.

It's a perfect system.

Wait. This isn't a letter
from a little girl.

It's a cease and desist from a
strip club called "Litty Girls."

Ah! Elf shoe?!

Thanks for nothing!

- Naughty. Naughty.
- Hey, hey, hey!

I hope you get stuck in a chimney!

All right, well, so much for that.

- Dan?
- Huh?

I think I figured out a way

that we can get
Virginia's Christmas list.

Oh, great. You know what?
I'd love to help you,

but it is Christmas Eve,

and I have a date
with my empty apartment.

I'm running out of places
to hide Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

He's not gonna leave
until he meets Dan Fielding,

so I need you to be Dan Fielding.

No problem. I know Dan.

Every mannerism, every facial tick.

I will become Dan Fielding.

Dan wasn't in there. I asked everyone.

Um, Mr. Abdul-Jabbar, there's
someone I'd like you to meet.

Hey. I'm Murray Flobert.

Do you think it's too late
for me to learn basketball?

Wait. I wasn't supposed to say my name.

Oh, well. Good luck
with your play, Gurgs.

You're making me rethink everything.

Maybe I do rely too much on

the Ghosts of Christmas Past and Future.

Am I the worst one?!

Sorry I don't travel back in time.

Sorry I can't throw an old man
in his own grave!

Excuse me.

I'm just gonna [CLEARS THROAT]
escape for a second.

How's your night going, Gurgs? Oh, mine?

Oh, I've thrown a ghost
into an existential crisis

by pointing out that she is not magic.

Hey, I know what that's like.

Sometimes it felt like
it didn't matter what I did

on the court, everybody loved Magic.

I guess we have a lot in
common, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Jingle bell, jingle bell... squid.

Who chooses these images?

Hey, Dan, check me out.

This is how I'm gonna get
Virginia's Christmas list.

Hi, someone call for a psych consult?

The consult is no longer necessary.

You can just take her away.

So, how is this cry for help

going to get you
the girl's Christmas list?

Virginia already
thinks I'm an elf, so...

Because you love cookies
and use a tiny hammer

and work on a bench?

Yeah, I guess I do have
a lot of elf qualities.

Not to mention your height.

My height is completely average.

I can show you studies...
from the 1800s.

Look, I know it's a long sh*t,
but with a little bit of luck

- and a little bit of magic...
- Ho, ho, ho!

What are you doing?

Uh, I was just...
Dan, Dan, do that again.

Do what again? Ho, ho, ho!

You're right.
I... I don't need to be an elf

to get her list because you're Santa.

Virginia was with you

when you met with her mom
in the cafeteria.

You don't think I'd remember a
small child giving me a letter?

Not if the kid was nervous to
give it to the big man himself,

- so she put it in his sack.
- Sack?

That is Corinthian leather.

Virginia's letter. Dan Fielding,
you saved Christmas.

In your fa...

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ Virginia's here ♪

You are an elf!

How else would you be
best friends with Santa?!

Oh, you think Santa
and the elves are friends?

Santa, we have a special guest.

We wouldn't want to spoil
anything for her

- on the most magical night of the year.
- [CHUCKLES]

Ho, ho, ho.

Yes, I was just telling my
little elf friend here, Naggy,

what a good girl you've been.

Naggy, why don't you show us

that elf dance you're so famous for?

Well, I would love to,
but I can't dance without music.

So, Santa, why don't you sing us
your favorite Christmas song?

A ho, ho.

Well, it's gonna sound a lot like

the song "Tequila" by The Champs.



♪ Bum-ba-da-da-da-bum-bum ♪

♪ Ba-dum-ba-da-da-da-bum ♪

♪ Ba-da-da-da-dow ♪

♪ Ba-da-da-da-d... ♪

Ow!

♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪

- ♪ Christmas! ♪
- ♪ Christmas! ♪

Mom, this is the best Christmas ever!

I met Santa and a 19-time NBA All-Star!

And your dad's new girlfriend
got flipped on a Jet Ski!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Did you find my ghost?

- No, did you find my Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?
- No.

Uh, excuse me, Miss Moore?

I'm here to evaluate the witness
you have in custody.

Oh, this is gonna be so much paperwork.

I should have just watched the kid.

- Kids aren't so bad.
- Epiphany!

What are you doing back there?

I dropped my turkey leg,
and I repeat, epiphany.

Oh, yes, Spirit.

You... You have changed my ways.

And I did it all by myself!
Screw you, other ghosts.

Come on, Doc. I'm on a roll.

Get ready to hear about
some stuff that is happening.

Ha!

Sorry. I was teaching Flobert
how to dribble.

Uh, Kareem, you are the most
interesting person alive,

and you deserve to know the truth.

I'm never going to meet Dan Fielding.

I know that. How do you know that?

No, I mean I refuse to meet that man.

I heard he only gives gifts
that make him money.

And his daughter stole the
shoe-shine guy's elf costume.

Kareem, this isn't about Dan.

It's about my perfect gift streak.

So, you're all selfish.

You know, the more you pass
the ball, the more you score.

- Is that true?
- Oh, God, no,

but everyone else around here is lying.

- ♪ Silent night ♪
- Court.

- ♪ Holy night ♪
- Court.

♪ All is calm, all is bright ♪

♪ Court ♪

Okay, okay. You can clearly sing.

What you can't do
is be naked in the park

unless you're a horse.

Take them away.

If you ask me, some of those
horses should be wearing pants.

- Dan?
- Hmm?

I know you're still waiting
for my incredible gift.

But I just have to tell you...
I got you nothing.

Nothing? Nothing at all?

Oh, G... [GASPS]

[VOICE BREAKING] Sorry.

I was getting a little choked up.

Because for you,
the perfect gift is nothing.

Oh! Now you don't have to thank anybody

or owe anybody
or any of that stuff you hate.

- I feel seen.
- Streak's still alive. [LAUGHS]

Counsel. Please approach the bench.

You big softy.

I saw you having cookies
in the cafeteria with Virginia.

Oh, yeah, well, it was
delightful. She paid.

Did you get the list to her mother?

I did. She wants princess sheets

and her mom and dad
to get back together.

- Hmm.
- So I think she's getting sheets.

Last case of the night...

the People vs. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Your Honor, Mr. Abdul-Jabbar
and his accomplice

were caught lurking on
Patrick Ewing's fire escape.

Let me do the talking, Kareem.

How's it going? Big fan.