02x02 - The Roz Affair

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Night Court"...

There you are.

You're leaving, and you weren't
going to even tell me?

I've been offered a position back home

in Pearl River, Louisiana.

- Oh.
- And I think you'd be perfect

- for a program at Scotland Yard.
- Scotland Yard?

That's the fanciest
police station in the world.

I guess we've been growing
in different directions

- for a while now.
- So what do we do now?

This is what I've always wanted.

I'm not abandoning her.

I mean, she knew I wasn't gonna
stay around here forever.

- Can I really ask him to stay?
- No one's asked me to stay.

Okay, bailiff,
bring in this bride to be.

[SIGHS] Roz?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Mush, mush, mush.

- Hello, Roz.
- What's the point in knowing a judge

if you can't let a little
law bending slide?

What? You threw a bouncer
through a plate glass window.

Look at you, you're still
holding his ponytail.

Well, I worked in a court
long enough to know,

it's illegal to destroy evidence.

- It's good to see you, Roz.
- You too, Fielding.

And look at you,
finally got the big chair,

back in your hometown.

- Uh-huh.
- How's it feel?

Hey, Judge, judge these.

Mardi Gras's over, councilman.

I live to serve the people.

You hate the people.

Now more than ever.

Although it's been fun
catching up with old friends.

Took one to a Saints game the other day.

Scattered his ashes on the 40 yard line.

He blew past the defense,
landed in the end zone.

Final wish granted.

Well, what about you?
You still bailiffing?

Nah. These days,
I'm a private investigator.

I've broken up more marriages

than Vegas and nanny cams combined.

And yet you're gonna
give love a chance, huh?

- You'd like her?
- Yeah, she a person?

'Cause you know how I feel about those.

She was a person, but she
gave it up to be a lawyer.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Roz Russell,

you're free to go.

Oh, well, Fielding, it's been real.

- Thanks for, well, nothing.
- Oh, wait.

Hey, listen, I'm sorry I couldn't

salvage your bachelorette party,

but look, at least
you got to see some skin.

And the reason why he wasn't reelected.

You know, for a minute there,
I thought you might be

apologizing for something else.

- Like what?
- How about what you said

to me the last time I saw you in 1997...

- "I'll be right back."
- Oh, right.

Hey, let me try to make it up to you.

Ah, you remembered my favorite drink.

- Huh?
- Free.

Uh-huh.

I'm what's known as an olfactophile.

Someone who appreciates
the world through smell,

and if it's a crime
to use our most powerful

sense to experience
the greatest city in the world,

then, madam, lock me up.

That is not a crime,
but do you know what is?

Hiding under a park bench
to sniff butts.

Three months.

Enjoy all the smells
that jail has to offer.

- Ooh, someone got orchids.
- Flowers, nice.

Romance or cat and mouse game
with a serial k*ller?

'Cause I've been on
both sides of that coin.

You know, people say that
it's hard to date in New York,

but not for me.

I landed myself a real catch.

Blonde, blue-eyed,
talking to you right now.

It's me. I'm dating myself.

The bouquet of doll heads
from the Green Point Creeper

was less disturbing than that.

There's just been
a lot of changes recently.

Dan's gone. I'm not engaged anymore.

I just felt like
it was a good time to step back

and focus on myself, with all
the perks of a relationship...

flowers, breakfast in bed,
sweet check-in texts.

"Me up?" I am. "Come over." I am.

Yeah, I don't know what she sees in her.

Well, they know what they say.

You can't make a queen's trifle

on Boxing Day without a few nuts.

I'm sorry, it's from my time in England.

When you're immersed in the culture,

it's bloody hard to shake.

You know, you're not the only
one immersed in a new culture.

Behold, New York City's
newest part time sports agent.

Look who's got herself
a Charlie side Hustle.

Charlie Hustle? Pete Rose?

From the sport with all the
bases and balls called baseball?

Gurgs, I'm only doing American sports.

And I am k*lling it. I just need
one thing... clients.

I almost signed the newest
young hot basketball player,

but his mother wouldn't let him
go out to dinner with me

because he's only 10.

Basketball. [CHUCKLES]

Curling, that's a real sport.

All you need is a broom and a dream.

How long is he going to be
filling in as clerk for?

This isn't even the next case,

it's just his recipe for grilled cheese.

It says, "Bread, cheese, hot."

I don't even know what to call him.

Judge Flobert? Clerk Flobert?
Judge Clerk Flobert?

People used to call me Flowbee,

and that's only 'cause I cut
people's hair with my vacuum.

Oh, and I'm gonna need that recipe back.

It's only temporary,
and we didn't have any options

after Neil moved to Tahoe
with his girlfriend.

At least I hear from him.

Still no updates from Dan?

I got one call, and it was a butt dial.

And then there was
a three minute voicemail of him

mumbling curses at stop signs.

But I am focused on me, and tonight,

I am sending me on
a very romantic scavenger hunt.

Where do you think I should hide this?

Keep in mind, I'm very good
at finding things that I hide.

Is this what goes on
when I'm not around?

Dan? What are you doing here?

Ruining the surprise.

Next up, the People vs. Dan Fielding.

Well, that's a kick
in the knickers, innit?

I'm plain gobsmacked, I am.

Did you get a haircut?

Dan, are you really here, or am I

in that courtroom prank show
I'm always scared exists?

We've had this discussion before,

nobody wants to come here and do pranks.

Being here is the prank.

Mr. Fielding is charged
with destruction of property.

Now, you maybe inclined to show pity

because, well, he's lost and confused

and he can't pull off those leggings,

stylistically or with both hands
and a stick of butter.

- [LAUGHS]
- Objection. Enjoying this too much.

I'm so happy you did this
just so you can see me.

I had the same idea
of getting arrested in Louisiana

just to see you. Classic us.

Actually, I'm only here
because I was deceived

into doing someone a favor.

Nobody deceived you,
you big dumb tree trunk.

And everything would have been fine

if you had just stuck to the plan.

Hey, you know what?
Maybe if you had told me

who I was supposed to be investigating.

Oh, my God, Roz Russell?

I recognize you from
my dad's old Christmas cards.

You always made a face like
you didn't want to be there.

- That's the one.
- You must be Harry's daughter.

Abby Stone. Abby short for Abracadabra.

Looks like you're a little
short for everything.

Oh, man, Roz is burning me up.

Alright, can we back to
deciding who wore it better,

Dan or the Jerry Garcia Beanie Baby?

We're all ears, Mr. Fielding.

Yes, well, this started
innocently enough.

Roz wanted me to help her
with an investigation

of a woman named Loretta,

whose partner suspected her of cheating.

We had a lead the alleged affair

was happening with her workout buddy,

- so I went undercover.
- [CLANGING]

I blended in masterfully like
a chameleon in the rainforest,

a commando in camouflage.

The Chrysler Building in a corn field.

Pipe down. You weren't there.

You can't text me stuff like that.

We're gonna get caught.

My finely honed powers of deduction

directed me toward her phone,
but how to get it.

No one was going to hand me the
solution on a silver platter.

Now lie on your backs
with your eyes closed,

especially Loretta.

I was disheartened to realize
two things...

I needed her face to unlock the phone,

and I should have been
wearing yoga pants for years.

When I opened the phone,

what I saw was so shocking
I almost lost my composure.

That's it. Watch your head.
Watch your head.

[GONG CLANGS]

Namaste.

The suspense is k*lling me.
What was on the phone?

Was it a treasure map
only for you to find out

that the treasure
was inside you all along?

It was a picture of her fiancée, Roz.

Yes, I thought I was helping PI Roz,

turns out I was helping
jealous fiancée Roz.

You were supposed to go
undercover at her law firm

as a man cutting his kids
out of his will.

Oh, yes, and it was a role
I was born to play,

but in a great Shakespearian turn,

yoga was closer to my building.

Okay, the court has heard enough.

The defendant is ordered
to replace the damaged gong

and sentenced to verbally reply

to all my unanswered texts

to be served in my chambers immediately.

That's actually my job now.

Oh. Sorry, old habits.

You know what? Go on ahead.

Look at that technique.

The greats stay great.

Why couldn't you ask for a normal favor

like a ride to the airport
or scattering remains in a place

I was already going?

Okay, give Roz a break.

Love can make anyone act a little crazy.

I should know, I'm dating
a pretty live wire myself.

Oh, sorry, I put the emphasis
on the wrong word.

I'm dating a pretty live wire, myself.

You know, it's none of my business,

but instead of dating yourself,

I bet you'd really hit it off
with a psychiatrist.

Look, I'm not imagining things.
Loretta has a track record.

She got cheating on her
last girlfriend, first by me.

Then, with me.

By the things looked at that yoga class,

she still has a wondering third eye.

But don't you think there's a chance

that this could be more
about you than her?

You know, she does remind me of Harry.

He never minded his own
damn business either.

You don't know the half of it.

She's always on me about the way I eat.

You don't chew.

I had to give you
the Heimlich twice in one meal.

I pay for the gristle,
I eat the gristle.

This reminds me of other rooms
I didn't want to be in.

- I'll be right back.
- I know that move.

She is gone forever.

You can't just let her leave.

What if she's about to make
a huge mistake with Loretta?

[GASPS] Oh, wait, oh, right,
I don't care.

Alright, well, I guess Roz
and I have something in common.

You're fine bailing on both of us.

Just got back to Louisiana,

to your swamp parties
and French vampires.

I don't know what goes on there.

Now, I'm going back as soon
as I deal with my subletter.

I heard that he changed
my bedroom into an aquarium,

so now I own a no-bed, all bath.

Guess I'll see you next time
you're in town getting arrested

in a ridiculous outfit.

Hey, yeah, well,
I know you want to hurt me,

but I also know I'm pulling this off.

[ENGLISH ACCENT] No, England's nothing

like Bridgerton.

The people are a lot hotter,
and there's so much more sex.

Guess who learned
what kind of ball this is?

- Base.
- Olivia, you have got to hear this.

Gurgs' telling us all about
her sexy adventures

with her British boyfriend.

[NORMAL ACCENT]
Oh, we don't like titles,

though he does have one.

He's a Duke! [LAUGHS]

We met while he was disguised

as a street rat in a village bazaar.

It's a common practice amongst nobles.

They call it Jasmine-ing.

Ooh, Jasmine-ing.

Well, wish I could sit around
with you hens and cluck,

but the sports world beckons.

Yeah, I got a meeting
with my first potential client,

a New York Ranger.

From hockey.

- Olivia Moore?
- Oh, Doug, uh...

So when you said you were
a New York Ranger,

you... you meant a Time Square Power...

Bupp, bupp, bupp,
you can't call me that,

especially in a courthouse.

You never know who's
a lawyer round here.

I'm a lawyer.

You said you were an agent.

I don't like being lied to.

I could still represent you
for birthday parties.

Dan, what are you doing here?

I thought you'd be back
in New Orleans riding a fan boat

or eating a Beignet Po' boy by now.

Yeah, that's right, my good
friend Siri told me all

about what you do down there.

Some judge found me guilty.

I had to come and show proof of gong.

You need to skedaddle.
I invited Loretta here

to get to the bottom of what's
going on between her and Roz.

So, what's the play?

You're gonna flirt with her
and see if she bites?

My plan's a little more
sophisticated than that.

She's coming here for what she thinks

is a standard lawyer/judge
meet and greet,

when the reality,
is probably not gonna work.

What was your thing?

Flirt with her, if after 30 seconds

she hasn't mentioned
the fiancée, she's a cheater.

You do know how to flirt, don't you?

I landed me, didn't I?

Yes, I know how to flirt.

It's subtle cues that when done
on their own do nothing,

but when stitched together
form a rich tapestry.

Oh, God.

Just watch and learn.

Arms bent, legs flexed, hair tousled,

head tilted to release the pheromones,

then it's all about the eyes.

Upward gaze, piercing eye contact,

then take it away,
piercing, take it away.

What do you think?

You look a puppet
I wouldn't want to buy.

Then there are verbal cues,

the word "prune" can make
a cute pouty face.

Do you have any prunes in your pantry?

Uh-huh. Here's another
verbal cue. [GAGS]

You know what? You don't get to
give me advice anymore.

You left, and now
we're barely even friends.

I don't know anything
about your life in Louisiana.

Well, it's just like New York,

except there's rats or alligators.

And the pastrami is alligators.

You know what? Just forget about it.

Get out of here
before Loretta gets here and...

Judge Stone.

Wait, you're that weird guy
from my yoga class.

- What is this?
- What?

My evil twin does yoga?

Well, I must tell mother.

Look, based on my last subletter,

I feel I have to ask,
will you be using this primarily

as a residence or a lab
to transmorph into an Aquaman?

Dude, you're taking way
too long to answer.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Ah.

So, how's it going with you
and your Frankenstein?

- [CHUCKLES]
- You two gonna share clothes?

Yeah.

I take it everything
is alright with Loretta

since your hands
are free of m*rder weapons.

I'd never give you
the sweet relief of death,

but yeah, Loretta and I are good.

- Good.
- She did rip me a new one

after seeing you and Harry's kid
in the cafeteria.

What? My evil twin and Abby got
into a fight in the cafeteria?

But it did lead to a heart to heart.

I realized our problem
was more about me than her.

Good God, that means
Abby's advice was right.

Ugh, she will be insufferable.

You sure you don't want to k*ll me?

Turned out the yoga lady's a musician.

Loretta's surprising me with my
favorite song at our wedding.

Oh, my God, you're gonna
walk down the aisle

to John Tesh's "NBA on NBC"?

I'm so happy that you found somebody

that cares about you that much.

And I'm glad you found
another Stone to look after you.

How did she give you
the Heimlich, by the way?

She leapt off a table.

Third time, she got it.

Well, if you ever want to talk
to an old friend

who doesn't live in an urn, I'm around.

Well, you know the good thing
about having urn friends

is that once you spread the ashes,

you get to keep the urn
as a souvenir. Jelly belly?

I'll send your wedding invitation here,

unless your stubborn ass insists
on being all alone in Louisiana.

And I don't think these guys
are gonna spread you

at a Saints game.

Some friends you are.

Dougy baby, hey, you are booked

this Saturday for the Feldman
twins' birthday party.

Yeah, now, they are paying you
in cake, but it's carrot,

so I'm gonna waive my commiss...

Hello? Doug?

My only client just fired me.

This whole world class sports agent

turned kids character party booker

may not be the move for me.

Why do you even need a side hustle?

Everyone has something
exciting going on.

My social life isn't taking off,
my career's at at standstill.

What's left?

I'm going to be one of those
people who knows

too much about ramen.

I don't get the ramen craze.

I like spaghetti, and I like soup,

but I don't like them in one wet bucket.

Wet bucket?

Now I don't even have ramen.

Wait, I know you feel like
everybody's got something,

but the truth is my England
stories are all made up.

- Wait, what?
- I was too scared.

I've never been abroad.

So I stayed in New York
and watched everything

Idris Elba's ever done, but this time,

with the sound on.

At least you were brave enough
to try something,

even if it did fail.

Yeah. Guess that was
incredibly brave of me.

Inspiring even.

Thanks, Gurgs. That really means a lot.

["RULE BRITANNIA" RING TONE PLAYS]

You need to get that?

Uh, it's probably spam.

It says "the Duke."

You know, I still appreciate you trying.

Wet buckets, my treat?

- Sure.
- Really dating a royal, huh?

Yeah, but a lot of people gotta die

in order for him to rule anything good.

Okay, you want to know how my
dream job in Louisiana is going?

I don't know. Maybe I'm not
that interested anymore.

I hate it.

I am just so into
this article about squids.

They are smart and sensitive.

Some say they are the koalas of the sea.

Being a judge stinks.

It's all this listening,
very little arguing,

nobody gets to see my fabulous suits

'cause I'm covered by this black robe

that does absolutely nothing for me.

Mm-hmm.

No more follow ups on my end.

And it's lonely.

Everyone I knew is gone,

scattered to the wind, some literally.

I mean, I love New Orleans,

but I mean, that place
just isn't home anymore.

'Cause home is... ?

I am not going to say here.

Ah, you said it!

Okay, okay, okay.

Welcome back, councilor.
We should go out and celebrate.

Not tonight. I'm taking me out
for our one week anniversary.

Well, now that I've got my job back,

there's someone you need to get rid of.

That nut job you're dating.

Done. I've been trying to
end it for a while.

Turns out I'm a lot.

You know, you're lucky
I'm even letting you come back.

This team was really starting to gel.

Good night, Blanche.

Believe it or not, he's getting closer.