01x14 - No Such Thing As a Free Lunch

[bunniefuu]

[RUDEUS] Hello there.

I'm Rudeus, a former jobless bum.

Today, we're looking at a hot new apartment

that can be yours for the low, low price of free!

No deposit, no fees, no rent!

It's a homey, shabby-chic number

made from hardy, locally sourced wood.

For your convenience, it comes furnished

with a rustic straw bed. Mind the bugs, heh!

There's an en suite bathroom as well,

you just do your business in this hole!

As a modern boy, I'm a little iffy on how hygienic that is.

But you just can't b*at this price!

Nothing's cheaper than free!

And lest I forget, breakfast and dinner are included!

The food here is nothing to sneeze at.

I don't know what kind of meat this is,

but for anyone who's used to life on the Demon Continent,

its tenderness and flavor are like no other.

[RUDEUS] Now for this apartment's greatest feature:

its reassuring security.

Check out these sturdy beams!

I couldn't budge them if I wanted!

Believe you me, one look at these

would make any burglar think twice.

And yet, criminals still manage to

find their way inside constantly.

'Cause after all, this is a prison.

[RUDEUS] So. Now what am I gonna do?

[RUDEUS] It'd be easy enough to open the lock with magic,

but I'm in the middle of a forest.

Getting lost in a place like this would not end well.

[gasps]

[RUDEUS] Guess stripping me naked wasn't enough.

They have to douse me in cold water

and insult me on top of it!

What'll I do if this gives me a new fetish?

O Goddess, grant me your protection!

[RUDEUS sneezes]

[birds squawking]

[RUDEUS] I shouldn't do anything rash.

I'll wait for Ruijerd and Eris to save the day.

[RUDEUS] Although, I wouldn't have to

if these people would just listen to me.

[RUDEUS] Put those big ears to use, why don't ya?

[RUDEUS] Ruijerd's taking his sweet time.

What's the deal?

I wonder if he got into it with that older warrior

who ran off after him and the kids.

Or if maybe something happened to Eris?

No, they can handle themselves.

No point in catastrophizing.

Besides, it's only day three.

"Good things come to those who wait."

This sucks.

[GEESE gasps] Hey, that hurt!

Don't ignore me!

Would it k*ll ya to be a little gentler?

[groans]

[GEESE gasps]

Welcome, traveler.

I'm afraid you've reached the end of the line.

What's wrong? Flustered?

[GEESE] No, you just struck me as, um, cocky.

Watch it, new guy,

I've been in here longer than you,

which means I'm the master of this cell!

Show some respect!

[GEESE] Uh, 'kay.

Good, now please, make yourself comfortable.

Let's chat: what's a guy like you

doing in a place like this?

Oh. Their guards caught me cheating, is all.

[RUDEUS] Ooh, a gambling man!

Was it rock-paper-scissors? Crossing steel beams?

No, what the hell are those?

It was dice. What about you, boss?

I hugged a silver dog and the next thing I knew,

I was rotting in prison.

[GEESE] Oh, that was you?

Everyone's been talking about how the Doldias' Sacred Beast

got att*cked by a "beast" in heat.

[RUDEUS] These folks got jokes, huh?

So what's your name, new guy?

It's Geese.

[RUDEUS] Cool. I'm Rudeus.

Huh? Rudeus. I swear I've heard that name before.

I'm sure a lot of people have this name.

[GEESE] Yeah, you're prob'ly right.

Oh. Sorry to change the subject, but I gotta ask.

Before you were arrested,

did you happen to see a redheaded girl

or a tall bald guy out there looking for me?

Nope, Not that I recall.

Why, do you owe 'em money or something--?

No! I was imprisoned here on false charges!

But neither of my companions have shown up to rescue me!

Ah! Yeah, that's gotta suck. I-I'm sorry to hear that.

[RUDEUS] Hey, don't give me that tone!

It's not like they up and ditched me or anything!

They're probably just taking extra care

to find the kids' parents. Yeah. That's gotta be it.

[RUDEUS] Ahh, right there.

You're pretty good at this, new guy.

[GEESE chuckles] I can do just about anything.

[RUDEUS] Oh yeah?

Can you take down a full-grown dragon

with your bare hands?

[GEESE] Well no, nothing quite like that.

I'm not much of a fighter.

A pacifist?

Then, can you satisfy a hundred women at once?

[GEESE] Ha, one is enough for me. Two, tops.

[RUDEUS] Hmm. Well, can you tell me how to get back

to Zant Port from here?

[GEESE gasps]

How come? Gonna make a break for it?

[RUDEUS] I'm getting worried about my friends.

[GEESE] Look. If you wanna run, you're on your own!

Really? You could at least guide me part of the way!

Hey, all I want is to serve my time, man!

If you really are innocent, why don't you just tell them?

Do you honestly think I haven't tried that already?

No one will listen to a word I say!

Fine! I'll take the guard hostage

and make her lead me back to town!

Wait! Calm down!

Get your hands off me, newbie, I've had it with this place!

I'll burn this forest to the ground if I have to!

Huh? Uh, not seeing the guard.

Is it just me, or is it hot in here?

Yeah, now that you mention it,

I guess it is getting a little warm.

And kinda-sorta smoky?

That, uh, wasn't you, right?

[GEESE] Then that means...

[BOTH] Wildfire!

We'll get roasted alive if we don't

think fast, boss! What do we do?

Duh! We bust outta here, genius!

How do we do that with no key?

Like this, of course!

I got it, let's roll.

Didn't even break a sweat! That's why you're the boss!

[GEESE] This is horrible.

I heard someone had been kidnapping

and selling beast kids lately.

I wonder if these are the same guys.

[RUDEUS] Whatever they want, they're going way too far.

After almost a week of languishing

in a cell on trumped-up charges,

I've been feeling a little vindictive

towards these villagers.

So I wouldn't mind seeing them get their just desserts.

[RUDEUS] But this? This is too much.

It's nauseating.

Are you gonna get going or what?

'Cause I don't think you could ask for a better distraction.

[RUDEUS] They're gonna owe me.

[gasps] For what, boss?

For saving every last one of their hides!

[gasps] All right, I like your style!

Leave the front line to me!

[GEESE] Take this! Yeesh, that hurt!

We're all clear!

[RUDEUS] I need all the cold air I can manage!

[GEESE] That's insane!

[grunts]

Wow, you made that look easy!

[SMUGGLER G] They've got a mage! k*ll 'im!

I won't let you guys lay a finger on the boss!

[RUDEUS] This is bad. Should I retreat?

[BOTH gasp]

[gasps] It's you! We'll talk later!

Your pathetic crew is no match for me

now that I can smell again.

[RUDEUS] Whoa. He's cool.

[GYES] I'm taking our children back. Will you help me?

Yes, sir!

Quit yer cryin' and pile in!

Is everyone all right up there?

[GYES] Of course they're not all right.

[GALLUS] Ah, come on.

[GALLUS] They're all still breathin', aren't they?

It figures you were behind this.

Who else?

But I'm surprised you've turned coat, Kennel Master.

Especially considering your companions

have done a mighty fine job

keeping the Doldia warriors occupied for us.

I wondered what was taking them so long.

How did we let this happen?

[GEESE] Hang on, you know this guy?

[RUDEUS] Yeah. Sorta.

Lest we all forget where your loyalties oughtta lie.

Without me, you'd still be stranded

on that hellscape Demon Continent.

[RUDEUS] So this was your plan from the beginning.

[GALLUS] Now you're gettin' it!

We took the kids in the first place,

we only wanted you to set them free

to draw the warriors' attention away from here

and out to the docks.

Then your Superd buddy could k*ll 'em

and we could charge the village and take the rest of the kids.

How elaborate. Rude, though.

I thought you were supposed to cut your partners in

on this kind of thing.

[GALLUS] Well if that's all you want, be my guest!

These Doldia brats fetch an

exceptionally high price, you know.

Some pervy noble family in the Asura Kingdom loves 'em. Ha, ha!

Those freaks will pay anything we ask!

[RUDEUS] It couldn't be. Yes it could.

[RUDEUS] Think I'm gonna pass.

[GALLUS] Heh. Is Dead End trying to play the hero?

Yeah, I'd like it to look that way.

I see. Well, friend, you've chosen poorly!

[gasps]

[GALLUS grunts]

[gasps]

[RUDEUS gasps]

[GEESE] You're gonna want to watch yourself

around this guy, boss. That's North God Style!

Hey, you know your stuff, monkey man!

And I'm Saint-class to boot.

Hence, Gallus "the Cleaner."

So are we going to have it out,

or are you suddenly getting cold feet?

Surely you're not so spineless

as to let me get away unchallenged.

[RUDEUS] "You rat bastard!

How dare you take a child hostage!"

That's what I'd like to say. But this guy's strong.

[RUDEUS] Maybe I should let him go.

Unlike Ruijerd, I'm not righteous enough

to risk my own life

for a bunch of kids I don't even know.

Wow, you are gonna back off!

Boring, but I get it.

And this does us both a favor.

Drop me a line if you ever wanna team up again.

[RUDEUS gasps]

You can't seriously be okay with this!

[BEAST CHILD D crying]

[barks]

[RUDEUS gasps]

What the hell?

[RUDEUS grunts]

I gotcha!

You assh*le! You just crossed a line!

Now that's more like it, boss!

You wouldn't let us die that easy!

[RUDEUS] Well, I'm in this deep.

I might as well see this through.

[LEO barks]

Sorry, Gallus. I changed my mind.

'Cause, like I said,

"Dead End" will not be a villain.

You're a real pain in the ass, kid.

[GALLUS yells]

[LEO barks]

Too easy!

[RUDEUS] I can see him! I can win!

[GALLUS yells]

[gasps]

[GALLUS] Ha! It's over, Kennel Master!

[gasps]

Stay out of my way!

[gasps]

Eat sand, jerk!

[yells]

[screams]

[yells]

Did we get him?

[GEESE] Hey, we did!

Way to go, boss!

Boss? Boss!

[LEO panting]

[ERIS] Rudeus!

[RUDEUS] Eris. Where are we?

[RUIJERD] The Dedoldia chieftain's house.

[ERIS] Tell me everything!

I heard you that fought a North Saint and won!

That monkey-faced guy has practically

been over the moon about it!

I b*at him? That's good. I suppose.

[GYES] Please forgive me!

I didn't realize that you were the one

who rescued our young ones from those miserable fiends!

Thus, I am prepared to accept whatever punishment you see fit!

Young Master Rudeus, as chieftain of the Dedoldia tribe,

I, too, wish to reiterate my gratitude.

I thank you.

Hey, Eris.

The longer I waited, the more I worried about you and Ruijerd.

Did something go wrong?

[ERIS] Oh, yeah! It was awful!

Lie down! I'll tell you all about it!

[RUDEUS] Eris was overjoyed to regale me with tales about

what happened to them during

my far less exciting week in prison.

Once the chieftain, Gustav, and the rest of

the Doldia warriors caught up with Ruijerd,

there was yet another misunderstanding

that nearly led to some serious bloodshed.

[RUDEUS] Not that I'm surprised.

Ruijerd doesn't exactly have a silver tongue.

Once that was cleared up, though, they defeated--

by which I mean slaughtered--

what was left of the smugglers' ring.

And yet, officials in Zant Port

nearly pinned their crimes on Ruijerd and the Doldias.

Sounds like a pretty bad week.

Eris actually chose to stay out of the whole thing.

She took it upon herself to guard the kids,

grinning from ear to ear the whole time.

Maybe that's her Greyrat blood at work.

[chuckles] I guess it is cool that we're

in a village of nothing but beastfolk!

This'll make a great story for the Boreas family

when we get back!

Won't it? My grandfather is gonna be super jealous.

Oh, I can't wait to see him!

[GRABEL] Sauros Boreas Greyrat, overlord of Fittoa.

The negligence and gross incompetence

you have exhibited in response to this mana disaster

have thrown our people into nigh irreparable chaos.

You are hereby relieved of your duty

and sentenced to death by beheading.

[DARIUS] Rest easy knowing your dear Fittoa will be safe

in the hands of your humble servant Darius.

[SAUROS] Lowlife scum.

[SAUROS] Eris. My dearest granddaughter.

If you still draw breath...

[SAUROS] ...I wish you a lifetime of happiness.