02x03 - Form Fetish

[bunniefuu]

Your Honor, Mr. Crane is charged

with disorderly conduct
after forcing his way

into the kitchen at Chez Louie

and demanding to sanitize his dishes.

Disorderly conduct?

As a man with OCD,
my client is incapable

of being disorderly,
according to these five

hermetically sealed doctor's notes.

Humanity is in a silent w*r with germs,

and we're losing. Losing!

Mr. Crane, only the Board of Health

is allowed to burst
into a kitchen unannounced,

and even they would frown
upon Windexing vegetables.

Hm, $100 fine and community ser...

Where is my gavel?

- [GAVEL BANGS]
- You smell good.

Like a dirty martini
with a Lemon Pledge twist.

Up next, the people
versus Clark Everett.

Y... Ah, Sorry, Judge.
My knees are k*lling me!

I play catcher in "Damn Yankees."

Well, it's my church's production,

so it's "Dang Yankees."

Well, put 'er there.

Your honor, with all due respect

to Nathan Lame over there...

isn't it time we got ourselves
a permanent clerk?

Or at least one who's not in
a play that is so off-Broadway

it is no longer technically theater?

Actually, we're not
off Broadway or on Broadway.

We're under it.

No one wants a k*ller clerk
more than me,

but with budget cuts,
there's been a hiring freeze.

- [GROANS]
- Also a coffee-cup freeze.

We have to bring mugs from home now.

Made it for my mom in fifth grade.

She asked if we could
turn it back into clay

because at least clay has potential.

Uh, it's not so bad.
We're making it work.

- [THUD]
- [PEOPLE GASP]

Also, to save money, they put
our lights on a motion detector

that doesn't detect motion.

Alright, everybody! Headlamps!

Let the record show it isthat bad!

So, what are we looking for?

Because if it's rats, we can stop.

They cut our handcuff budget,
so I need duct tape.

Of course, they do it after the holidays

when everyone's all bloated
with thick wrists.

What is Joltron Cola?

[GASPS] Joltron! I remember this!

It has enough caffeine
to k*ll a horse andrevive it.

[CHUCKLES] You never heard of Joltron?

Growing up, I didn't hear
about a lot of stuff, Gurgs.

I was too focused
on dominating my peers.

I'm personally responsible
for four nervous breakdowns...

three classmates, one tutor.

So this stuff was popular, huh?

Joltron used to fly off the shelves.

That was before it was blamed
for the 1997 Summer of Sprees...

carjacking, streaking, naked carjacking.

It's Florida in a can.

You know, the budget cuts

took away all the drinks
in the cafeteria.

I bet we could sell this stuff.
Just need a company name.

Moore and Gurgs. We could be Morgues.

"You'll die when you see our prices!"

Whoo-hoo! This is gonna be fun!

Let's get these upstairs.
Uh, I'll clean out this cooler.

- [RATS SQUEAKING]
- Nope.

Hey, there... Linda. I'm Judge Stone.

And I'm here with a petition

- to have my court's budget reinstated.
- Take a number.

Fifty-five!

That's me. Ah.

I just want you to know that
I really respect this process.

Every bubble, every box
is important to me

because it's important to you.

Denied.

Denied?! That must be a mistake!

Oh, we're the government.
We don't make mistakes.

But your petition had quite a few.

Page ten, section F oval
was toofilled in,

as if done with resentment.

Box C3 needed to be completed
in blue ink,

but your ink had a violet hue.

It's called Blurple.

And since this is an even-numbered day,

the L9 is invalid without the X8.

You need that X8.

Okay, okay, well, I'm sure
that I can fix every...

And since this would be
your second appeal,

you need to fill out
a different set of forms.

In triplicate.

Three times.

Once received, you'll have your answer

within 6 to 70 business days.

Be aware we work off
the Swedish calendar,

so our weekends are most of the week.

Now, you have a tough job.

It must be hard to say no all the time.

Oh, I manage.

I'm gonna get you
to use that "yes" stamp.

Wow. That web was made
by generations of spiders.

- Fifty-six!
- [SIGHS]

Still me.

Look. I'm sure there are things
we could do without,

but a clerk is not one of them!

So you're saying there are
more things you can do without?

Here's your "yes"... to another audit!

Who says "yes" to a bad thing?!

La-la-la-Liinnddaaa!

Fifty-seven!

***

That's it! These budget cuts
have gone too far!

You know, I don't even miss
spoons and knives.

I'm getting used to forking my borscht.

What? That's not about me.

Look at my shoe!

They're scuffed!

The bastards
took my shoeshine stand away!

I don't mind the lights going out.

I don't need to look at you people.

But this!

I look like a school administrator.

Worst part is
it happened out of the blue

and not because of anyone's actions!

What the fork did you do?

Only everything right!

I went to City Hall, I took a number,

and "Linda" still denied every request.

She didn't like blurple, Dan. Blurple.

- Hey. You done with the fork?
- Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna need it back.

Dan, it's gonna be fine.

I just have to do some more paperwork,

and it should all be fixed
before news of the exterminator

being cut gets to the...

- [CRUNCH]
- ... roaches.

Alright. You know what? I'm
gonna take care of this myself.

They say you can't fight City Hall.

Well... I'm not gonna fight.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Take a number.

How about 12?

Bryant, put these in the leak bucket.

The water's brown, but it's fine.

- [SPLASH]
- So what brings youhere?

Fate. Linda means "beauty" in Spanish.

And now I can tell
that your face is fluent.

And you are... ?

Dan Fielding. At your service.

You know, I did come down here
to talk about the courthouse,

but now I think I'm more interested

in a courtship. Con tu, señorita.

I see. Bryant, make yourself busy.

Copy that.

Lights on or off?

On. On. Leave the light on. On. On.

Dan Fielding, is it?

You thought you could come in here

like some stretched-out Wolf Blitzer...

... wave some flowers around,

give the basement lady some attention,

and get what you want?

Yeah, pretty much about it.

You live on West 86th.

That's the block with


- No. No, no. There's no construction.
- There is now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Please. Leave my street alone.

I have family you can hurt.

Now... let's talk about

what you can reallydo for me.

La-la-la-Liinnddaaa!

Well, spoons are back,
the lights are on,

and your shoes are blinding.

Yeah. That's right.
Saved the day. As usual.

I look forward to my thank-you gift.

[HUSHED] Cash.

How'd you do it?

Well, I just embraced
America's favorite pastime.

A little gentle finagling.

- Even managed to get you a new clerk.
- [POUNDING]

Is it court time?

Linda's assistant?

Oh, no. Much more
than Linda's assistant.

He's also her son.

Turns out he's been having
a little trouble finding himself

since he took his gap decade.

This is nepotism. One of
my least favorite -isms.

And your dad was
an ice-road trucker, huh?

You know what? You're the only
one not happy about this.

Who the hell got soda
put back in the cafeteria?

- You're welcome.
- "You're welcome" blocked!

Did it ever occur to you
that two work friends

might be launching
a beverage consortium?

You k*lled our semi-legal business

selling semi-lethal soda,
and we are full mad.

You know what? You guys are
just jealous that my way worked.

Your way didn't work.

If it did, we'd have
a real clerk right now.

For all we know, he could be
the next great legal mind.

- Just needs a little molding.
- You're right.

I shouldn't judge a book by
the fact that it's all pictures.

Bryant? Bryant!

I'm Bryant, the new clerk!

Hi. I'm Judge Abby Stone.

Hold on. I'm about to do
a really important jump.

[CHUCKLES] So much to mold.

Man, people are still buying this stuff

- even though the drinks are back.
- Money on the table.

One woman drank two cans and
tried to fight a cement wall.

She won.

That's a great story,
but you got to get back to work.

And the next time there's
a wall fight, charge to watch.

Well, okay. I'll get back to it.

- "Morgues" on three.
- There's no time, Gurgs.

"Morgues" on one. One.
You missed it. Go.

Morgues!

Okay, Bryant,
let's try this one more time.

How do we get you to care about the law?

Um, what about...

the law isn't all that different
from a video game.

I freaking love video games!
There's this one I play...

Okay. Okay. Great. Let's go with that.

Video games are just like the law.

There are rules
that we have to navigate.

And you can k*ll
as many people as you want.

You can't, though.

What are some other things
you care about?

Oh! Your mom! Your mom!
You care about your mom, right?

I'm not a mama's boy. I've had sex!

What does that
have to do with anything?!

Why am I trying to make this work?

Because you're my mentor.

Is that what you think
is happening right now?

Well, yeah. My mom's not around.

I need someone to tell me what to do.

I would love to be your mentor,
but, ugh, I just can't!

- Err!
- Because I make more money than you.

No, that's not... Wait. Do you?!

I have got the most perfect
mentor for you.

Don't change a thing.
You're gonna drive him crazy.

I... I mean, he's gonna
be crazy about you.

- Dan.
- No.

What qualities would you say
you're looking for

in a mentee of 41 who's had sex?

Who told you to do this?

The little one
with the cape on backwards.

Well, in that case, my advice to this

sexually active young man
would be to go take a flying...

Hey, Mom!

I came by to support my...

No one's buying this.

I'm just here to make sure
that this jackass

is taking care of my jackass.

She worries.

I was bullied a lot
by my college for plagiarizing.

Took one form to turn
that campus into a DMV.

Most of the professors still work there.

So, Dan, what was your advice?

My advice would be

for you to find a mentor,

which you have and I love doing.

You're my mentor.

No. Man-tor!

No. Dan-tor!

This warms my heart.

Come, let's go get you a Cutie orange.

- And I'm peeling it!
- No!

I think 20 years
has made the soda stronger.

Wow. We really cornered the market.

And Flobert is an incredible salesman.

Hey, man. You want to touch the sky?

Flobert's a part of our thing now?

You're just gonna let him
dance in on our profits?

You think he can twirl?!
He's got bad knees!

Well, his knees have been good enough

to tap-dance
all over your sales numbers.

Maybe you need to
step up your game, Gurgs.

You better watch out.

I wasn't originally cast as the catcher.

The guy who was caught a one-way
ticket down a flight of stairs.

How's your new buddy working out?

Oh. Oh. G... Great.

Uh, the questions, the bonding.

The orange peeling...

because if he does it, he rubs
his eyes, and then it's all,

"It burns! Danny, it burns!"

I just love seeing this.

You two are in it for the long haul.

And the U-Haul. He said he was
gonna ask you to help him move.

Well, like the hand that
Bryant got stuck in his mouth

when he was eating that orange,
I'm all-in.

Alright, Bryant,
let's get this show on the road.

Sure thing, Judge.

Just gotta fold my newspaper
like my Dan-tor.

Uh, Dan, it's bullying me.

I told you it's simple.
You close the door.

Shut the window. Fold the menu. Tuck!

Dan, it's just a newspaper.

There's a lot of ways to fold them.

Oh, you know there's not.

Next up, the people versus

[GIGGLING] Mrs. Lipschitz?

Oh, my God! Is that for real?!

Dan, your client is named Lipschitz!

I know. Permission to approach.

You did this on purpose.

I only fixed the first couple.
Then I got lucky.

A fight broke out
at the Wiener family reunion.

- Your Honor, my client...
- Mrs. Lipschitz.

[GIGGLES] You got to stop saying it.

Bryant, it's only a name.

Like Rod Sackhoff or d*ck Butkus.

[GIGGLING] I'm sorry, Your Honor,

but you're picking, like,
all the worst ones!

The defendant is charged
with reckless driving.

On a Rascal scooter.

Could we just please
let this go with a warning

and not say the defendant's name again?

Sure. Case dismissed.

Thanks for being a good sport,
Mrs. Lipschitz.

[SNORTS] Every time.

It's actually a huge improvement

over my maiden name.

- I was Geraldine...
- Don't!

Whisper it to me. I gotta know.

[CLEARS THROAT] Your Honor,
I have to apologize

for letting that name
get the best of me.

I'll try to be better.

I'm a guy who reads newspapers now.

Why don't you take some time
to collect yourself?

- Five-minute recess!
- [CELLPHONE RINGS]

You gave him my cell number!

He has to be able
to reach his mentor 24/7.

And I know you're not gonna
throw out your phone

because you love that picture
of you and Phil Collins.

- [CELLPHONE RINGING]
- Bye, Phil.

- [CRUNCH]
- [RINGING STOPS]

Alright. I've had enough.
Make it stop, or I'm gonna

***

Alright. We need a plan.
The kid has got to go.

But if we cross his mother,
she's gonna turn

my apartment building into a septic t*nk

with a view of the park.

[EXCITEDLY] Dan, I couldn't
figure it out either.

Then Flobert sold me
this $9 can of ideas.

Now I got tons of 'em!

"Shark t*nk" ideas, shoe ideas,
TV-show ideas!

- Get this... King. Kong's. Family.
- [IMITATES expl*si*n]

- Doomed. Got it.
- No. Hey! No, no! Don't go!

You haven't heard my idea of how
we're gonna get rid of him.

- You and I work together.
- I think I'd rather watch

a whole season of "King Kong's Family."

We can b*at Linda at her own game.

I... I mean, with my form-filling
skills and your ability

to cynically nitpick,
we'll leave no loop unholed!

Dan, I've seen the future. This works.

Also, I'll have four kids and a bob.

You got all of that from one can?

Yeah. Just don't ask me how you die.

- Promise me you'll never go to Nevada.
- [STAMMERS]

"May cause..."

What's "fire brain"?

- I think we're about to find out.
- I... I...

Well, well.

See you up there.

Poor faster, Sandy!

What are you doing down here?

Oh, well, we're out of fight juice,

so I'm making my own.

Coffee brewed with Mr. Pibb
instead of water.

The can seals itself. It's
a side effect of the chemicals.

Science is cool! I know, right?

How much of that have you had?

I can hear your heartbeat
through your mouth.

Well, I... I gotta keep up

so you don't replace me with Flobert.

I don't hear pouring, Sandy!

Oh, God. I did this. [GASPS]

I made you Florida in a person.

Nah. I'm good.

I'm stepping up my game.
We're making money.

I can move things with my mind now.

Nah, everything in here is too heavy.

Uh, you know what?

Caused a lot of nervous
breakdowns in my life,

but this is the first one
I feel bad about.

- It's time to shut this down.
- Oh, thank God. Whew!

Maybe we can get back
to doing fun things.

[GASPS] Let's go to the hospital.

- My fingernails are sweating.
- Oh!

[BONES CRACKING]

- Oh! Bup-bup-bup-bup! No blurple!
- [GASPS]

The fine print on this one says,

"Everything you're writing
means the opposite."

[GROANS] Run it back. Run it back!

Ungh!

- Aah! Aah! Aah!
- No pain! No pain!

Straighten out, or I'll cut you off!

Get... Yeah.

Lind-a-a-a-a-a!

Good day, Linda.

I don't remember calling your number.

We have all the numbers.

We're also here filing
on behalf of the court.

Bryant! That's your cue, baby.

Mom, don't be alarmed. It's me.

I think you'll find
that this paperwork is flawless.

"Flawless." That's a big word.

Wait. These are beautiful!

Forms! Subforms! Addendums!

You even found applications
that are no longer in print!

I hired a TaskRabbit to infiltrate

the Library of Discontinued Documents

in Little Serbia
out on Randall's Island.

It was almost too easy.

This is undeniable.

I have no choice but to say yes.

And yet...

saying no is who I am!

- Without that, I'm nothing!
- Go with it, Linda.

Feel that "yes"
flowing through your body.

Huh... I... did it!

It was the table, but it's a start.

Uh, there is one more form.

It's an XQ-14B.

An XQ-14B? You're f*ring me?

But I'm in suit clothes.

Bryant, you weren't happy up there,

and you don't need our approval.

And you would never have gotten it.

I think there is a person in this room

whose approval you doneed.

Linda, if you could say "yes"
to those forms,

I think you could say "yes"
to something even more special.

- Oh.
- Does it say "approved"?

Well, kinda. Your head's pretty greasy.

And that's the power of a "yes"!

Dan, I know this feelslike goodbye...

Oh, Bryant. It's absolutely goodbye.