07x02 - Mrs. Clinton Comes to Town

[bunniefuu]

Don't you ever do anything?

Hey, I'm talking to you.

Sit.

Roll over.

Fetch the paper.

Hi, sweetie.

- Good boy.
Ever think of breeding him?

Look, Scotty.

Mommy's very first by-line.

Now that I'm
a full-fledged reporter,

I can write
the wrongs of society,

influence public opinion,

and shake
the very foundations of power.

"Community pool opening."

"State-of-the-art skimmer,
a scum-sucking wonder."

By Carol Weston.

By Carol Weston.

Bye, Carol Weston.

Come on, Scotty.

I'll teach you
how to sit up and beg.

It'll come on handy
when you start to date, yeah.

Carol...

I have incredible news.

You will never
in a million years

guess who's coming
to tour the clinic this week.

- I don't know.
Hillary Clinton.

Yeah.

Hillary Clinton
is coming to the clinic?

I can't believe you got it
on the first try.

Maxine had to tell me
the initials

even then
I guessed Howard cosell.

Daddy, do you know
what this means?

Hillary Clinton is big news.

- Yeah?
- I'm a reporter.

Yeah...

Don't you see?

This could be my ticket to
the white house press corps.

Mr. President,
Mr. President,

I have a nine-part question.

Carol...

- Sorry, daddy.
I... I got carried away.

But I want you to know

that no matter how far I go

I will never forget
where I came from.

Can't you at least try?

Watch Movies, Series & LiveTV
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...but why can't I come?

Carol, honey, it's not me.

The secret service said
only employees of the clinic

are allowed
to meet Mrs. Clinton.

Fine.

I'll just get a press pass.

The dade county crier may not be

the biggest
paper in the country,

but it is still a widely-read
and respected publication.

Yeah.

And very absorbent.

So, daddy...

Did you read
my scum-sucking article?

Carol, it wasn't that bad.

Just saw the news, Harry.

Is it true?

Hillary's coming to your clinic?

Why do you wanna know?

'Cause I gotta meet her.

She's the first
presidential wife

I ever saw in the nude.

What?

Yeah, I got out
of the shower one day,

and there she was on TV.

Ever since then,

she's been floating
around in my head.

She must feel
like a tic tac in the ocean.

I'm serious.

I got a major Jones
for america's number one babe.

Charley, are you saying you're
in love with the first lady?

Sure.

If that's
what she wants to hear.

Charley, you are not
meeting Hillary.

No way.
- Yes, way.

I've been writing
to her for months

telling her exactly what
I'd like to do for her cause

and exactly what I'd like her
to wear while I'm doing it.

All I know is
she's coming to Miami.

I live in Miami.
You do the math.

Laverne...

Laverne!

You said I could have a turn.

Okay, doctor.

Hop on.

- No, no, just...
Come on, give me that.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What is going on here?

I'm, you know, buffing.

Well, cut it out.

Doctor, we just wanna make
a good impression

on the first lady.

You're wearing jeans?

Of course not.

I was just about to change
into my yankee doodle pant suit.

Now, look, you two.

Mrs. Clinton wants to see
an inner city medical clinic.

That's what we should show her.

Grunge and all.

Okey-dokey.

Quit buffing my clinic!

Maxine...

May I speak to you in private?

Wait here.

Max, look,

I know this is your clinic,

but I think...

Maybe I should be the one
to talk to Mrs. Clinton.

Why?

Well, Maxine, you seem to have

a bit of an attitude
about her visit.

Attitude?

What the hell
gave you the dumb-ass idea

that I have an attitude?

I don't know.

Lucky dumb-ass guess?

I'm sorry, Harry.

I've just had it
with politicians.

They waltz in here,
take a picture,

say they're gonna change things,

and nothing ever happens.

Well, if Hillary
expects me to just smile

and not speak my mind,

then she does
not know Maxine Douglas.

- Actually, she...
She doesn't know you.

Well, she will.

- Maxine, look.
Come on.

I know how you feel, but...

She's still the first lady,

so just be...
Respectful, okay?

What do you think
I'm gonna do, pants her?

I'm a professional, damn it.

You're not
gonna pants her, right?

Make a hell
of a photo opportunity. Whoo!

Hi, daddy-kins.

- Daddy-kins?
What is it?

What? The car,
the house, what?

They wouldn't
give me a press pass.

Of course, Sam donaldson
they let march right in.

Well, excuse me
for having normal eyebrows.

Daddy, you've gotta help me.

Give me a job
here at the clinic.

What?

That way I'll be here
when Hillary comes.

Daddy, please, please.

I've never wanted
anything more in my entire life.

That's what you said
about the suede boots.

Yes, but I didn't know
this was gonna come up.

- Carol, honey, I don't...
- Daddy, please.

I'll make pot roast tonight.

With tater tots?

Extra crispy.

All right.

Laverne, Carol's gonna be
working with us today.

You're not kiddin'?

I don't wanna give
anyone the slightest reason

to suspect I'm not a nurse.

Okay, fine.

Carol, would you label this?

- Sure.
What is it?

A urine specimen.

Ew!

You couldn't be
a nurse on Halloween.

Where is Maxine?

Doctor, she's still
in with the secret service.

I was wonderin'...

I want her outta here.

- Come on, Carol?
She can't be that bad.

Carol Weston's office.

Look, it's just
a couple more hours.

- Hi, hey, Maxine.
- Hi.

How did it go?

It went fine.

They especially enjoyed
hearing about you and Castro.

She's kidding, you know?

Would you step it, please?

Your name?

Weston, Harry.

Harry Weston, m.D.

Dr. Harry Weston.

I'm...
I'm Harry.

Sit down, doctor.

You don't have
anything to be nervous about.

- Good.
I guess...

Do you?

- I...
- Me? No. Me? No.

No. Just ask me anything.
My life is an open... book.

You know a Charles dietz?

- Yeah, sure.
- He's my next-door neighbor.

Are you aware
he's been sending letters

of a romantic nature
to the first lady?

Carol, you're still at my desk.

Shh, just a second.

Dateline Miami.

11:17 am.

The canal street clinic
anxiously awaits

the arrival of the first lady.

Carol, I want
my desk back right now!

The staff grows impatient.

Don't make me tell your daddy.

Laverne,
if you keep interrupting me,

I'm never gonna get
my Hillary Clinton story done.

Well, if you was
any kind of reporter at all,

you'd know there's
someone in this clinic

who's actually met her.

- Who?
You?

My cousin Mary Beth Anne
used to do her nails

back in little rock
all the time.

I sat next to her once.

- Well, give me the scoop.
What's she really like?

- Okay, nice enough.
Cracked cuticles.

No. I mean,
what did she say?

Did she mention whitewater?
What about bill?

Did she discuss
his political plans?

No.

As I recall,
she said, "Mary Beth,

"if you don't get you
an air conditioner,

"you're gonna
have to use a spatula

to peel my thighs off
this naugahyde."

- And?
- Then Mary Beth got a big fan.

Laverne, this would be fine
if I were doing a fluff piece,

but I'm planning on doing
a serious interview on Hillary.

Carol, honey,
I hate to break it to you,

but Hillary ain't gonna
have time for an interview.

She's gonna blow through here

faster than Roger Clinton's cd
on the way to the bargain table.

What are you saying?

I'm saying
she ain't gonna talk to you.

If she's gonna
talk to anybody, it'll be me.

You?

Why would she wanna talk to you?

I'm from Arkansas.

But she's from Chicago.

We forgive her.

The point is,
I have a connection.

My cousin used to do her nails.

As a matter of fact,
I've got just enough time

to run down to the drugstore

and pick up
her favorite nail Polish,

cherries at dusk.

Well, that oughta make her

jump on a stump
and yell "hee-haw!"

All right, miss smarty-pants,

I'll be gone 15 minutes.

Don't touch anything,

don't do anything,
don't even answer the phone.

Hello, hello,

hello, hello.

You know, Carol,

I really appreciate
your enthusiasm,

but you might wanna wait
till that rings.

Next.

- This is post 5.
Go ahead, red leader.

She's on her way?
We haven't finished here.

Fine, and she can only meet
the staff we've already cleared.

- No!
- Who are you?

- I'm...
- Laverne.

Laverne Todd.
Howdy, y'all?

- I'm sorry, miss Todd.
We don't have time to clear you.

But I'm from Arkansas.

And my second cousin Mary Beth
used to do Hillary's nails

back in little rock.

And-and, whoo, doggie!

Me and Hillary
are closer than...

Than two big old
breedin' sows in a,

a bloomingdale's dressing room.

By cracky.

I'm sorry to interrupt,

but Mr. Braxton needs you
to call him right away, Carol.

Carol? You said
your name was Laverne.

Well, now I don't rightly
recollect what I said.

- Who are you?
- Who's Mr. Braxton?

- Let me see your ID.
- No!

- Get her purse.
- Just...

- Red leader, we got a code 3.
Check those rooftops again.

Eagle one, turn the motorcade
onto alternate route "b".

Okay, okay.

I'm a reporter with
the dade county crier.

If you touch
one hair on my head...

Whoa

Guess that's moot now.

- Get her out of here.
- Daddy!

- My god.
- My god.

I just saw her motorcade.

I've gotta get my camera.

- Hey!
- Can we help you?

I'm just gonna get my camera.

- Who are you?
- Laverne Todd.

My cousin Mary Beth
used to do Hillary's nails

back in Arkansas.

And, boy, have I
got a surprise for her.

What are you doing?

Hey, hey!

- All units, this is post 5.
We got another one.

- Hey. I...
- Let's go.

I am American, I have my rights.

Ouch!

And I will bite.

Maxine, I finally
got some answers.

They took Carol and Laverne
to the police station

to interrogate them.

- Are they all right?
- Laverne's all right.

Carol's demanding
to see Robert shapiro.

I'll get back as soon as I can.

- Hey! Wait a minute.
Where are you going?

The first lady
will be here any minute.

Maxine, you'll do fine.

Just, when you give your speech,

don't forget,
look into the camera.

- Camera?
What camera?

I thought I was
gonna be talking to Hillary.

Well, you will
be talking to Hillary,

but there'll be
news cameras there

so just be sure
to look directly into the lens.

Or was it don't look?

I don't know.
Whatever. You'll be fine.

- No. Hey!
I don't do cameras.

- Just...
Just forget they're there.

How? First,
you tell me to look at them.

Don't look at them.
Look at them.

Don't look at them.

I hate you, Harry.

- Maxine, relax.
You'll do fine.

Just take a deep breath
and give the speech.

You're not... you're not
giving the welcoming speech?

I don't care
what you say, Maxine.

I am not doing the speech.

I'm not prepared.
And you're...

You're going
to faint, aren't you?

Easy, easy.
All right, lie right there.

Just take it easy.

I'm sure you'll be
all right by the time...

- She's here.
- She's here.

- I can't take it.
I tell you, I'm going bats.

I'm going bats.

Do you hear me out there?

I'm going bats.

Shut up, lady!

Carol...

We have only
been in here five minutes.

We have a problem in here?

Yes, excuse me.

There's been a terrible mistake.

Can't you just sh**t her
and let me go?

I need to get out
so I can see the first lady.

Yeah, you
and half the people in here.

The secret service
has been bringing in

loonies all day long.

- Hi, Carol.
Hi, Laverne.

Charley, what happened to you?

I was on my way
to Hillary's hotel room

when these
well-dressed g*ons jumped me.

I guess there's some law against

bringing the first lady
a gift basket of beer.

- Come on, buddy.
Your cell's this way.

Wait a minute.

Don't I get a phone call first?

Yeah.

- Good.
- Who's it from?

Come on.

Laverne...

Got a smoke?

You don't smoke.

No, no.

To bribe the screws.

It's like money in here.

Carol...

Get off my bench.

That one's all crusty.

Then you'll have to stand

'cause you ain't
a-sittin' on my bench.

You know, Laverne,

I must say you don't make
a very cordial cellmate.

Cordial?

You want cordial?

Damn it, Carol.

You got me handcuffed,
dragged out of my clinic,

and throwed in jail.

Excuse me if I don't invite you
to a tea party on my bench.

Look, I was just doing my job.

I was just
doing my job too, you know?

Tryin' to help sick people.

I guess your job is a whole
lot more important than mine.

I never said that.

You didn't have to.

You just strut around
like a 12-pound pullet

what just laid a speckled egg.

What the hell does that mean?

Don't play dumb with me.

Honestly, Laverne,

you'd have to be
Dr. Doolittle

to understand
that cornpone gibberish.

Take that back.

No.

Take it back!

- Leave me alone.
- And if I don't?

- I'll...
I'll sit on your bench.

- I'm sitting here.
- Big deal.

I'm laying on your bench.

Carol, knock it off.

I'm doing
the backstroke on your bench.

You are pathetic.

- Get off my bench.
- Make me!

Make you? Make you?

All right, sister.
Come on, come on. Get up.

Let's rumble.

Ain't that a hoot?

What, am I standing wrong?

I had never
seen you so fired up.

Hell, maybe I's wrong about you.

Maybe you ain't just
a prissy little daddy's girl.

You got gumption.

I got a plethora of gumption.

Sit down here.

We need to have a little talk.

Now, Carol,
what you did today was wrong.

You was rude,
pushy and obnoxious.

And you walked all over me
just to get your damn story.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Which probably means

you'll turn out to be
a hell of a reporter.

- Really?
Do you think so?

In my humble opinion, yes.

Laverne.

You know,
it's true what they say.

Once you make
a friend in the can,

you got a friend for life.

Ain't "the can" the bathroom?

Carol, Laverne,
are you all right?

- Daddy.
- We're more than all right.

We're best friends now.

We're all right.

All right. You just sit tight
and I'll get you out of here.

What about me, Harry?

Charley?

Yeah.

I'll tape baywatch for you.

Praise the lord,
we're gettin' sprung.

Yeah, I still missed
the story of a lifetime.

Why does it
have to be that story?

Write about anything.

Write about what it's like
to be in prison.

- That's a great idea.
- There you go.

Who needs Hillary Clinton?

I'll write about
the dregs of society

who find themselves trapped

within these walls
of confinement

we call the "big house."

Ma'am, excuse me.

Can you tell me
the pathetic story

of your wretched life?

Well, darling, it all
started when I was born.

You see, the doctor slapped me,

and I slapped him back.

Hillary this, Hillary that.

Let's see who d*ed.

Sophia, Sophia, guess what.

I was in jail.

Wanna see my mugshot?

Well, I got my
lotto numbers for tomorrow.

Carol, you're free.

Did they let Laverne out too?

- Yeah.
- Damn.

Look, daddy, there you are.

No, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes.

Harry, don't be bashful.

And so I ask,

how can we call ourselves
a civilized nation

a just nation, a moral nation,

until every child,
no matter how poor,

has access
to proper medical care.

Mrs. Clinton,
I say these things to you

not just
as an African-American...

Because obviously,

I'm... I'm not
an African-American.

But rather as a doctor

and, perhaps more importantly,

as a woman.

- Dr. Douglas?
- Yes.

Doctor, we'd
like you to come with us.

- Why?
What's this about?

Well, Mrs. Clinton
really liked your speech,

but she was laughing so hard,
she missed most of it.

Is she out there now?

Not so fast, Laverne.