07x16 - Feelings, Whoa Whoa Whoa, Feelings...

[bunniefuu]

Sophia, dear, would you
pass me the marmalade?

Get it yourself, smucker.

I'm a little cranky.

My roommate kept me up all night

playing stardust
on her oxygen hose.

Friends and neighbors,
take a good look...

That is, before you have
to pay for the pleasure.

He must be referring
to the new idiot tax.

I'll have you know
that beefcake magazine

has selected Charley dietz

for next month's
men of the sea pictorial.

What's the theme?

Shrimp boats?

- God, Charley.
Have you seen these pictures?

God, they're embarrassing.

And what kind of person
would read this magazine?

- Hey!
The printed my letter.

♪ Life goes on

♪ and so do we...

♪ ...one by one

♪ we fill the days

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need...

♪ ...rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

- Aah!
- Guess who.

I know that voice.

Are you bigger than a bear trap?

Yes, ma'am.

Are you stronger than
a bourbon and a branch water?

You're gettin' warm.

Then it's gotta be...

Little Mattie Kane.

What are you doin' here?

Some old medical conference.

Now that you a doctor,

you're goin' soft
like the rest of them?

Who you callin' soft?

I can still
whoop you, girly girl.

Who are you callin' a girl?

- Put 'em up.
Put 'em up right here.

It's physical therapy.

Aah!

Well...

I guess I owe
the little lady a prize.

Matthew!

A snow globe!

It's beautiful.

I thought you'd
appreciate one from hickory.

Yeah. That looks like
coco, the swayback horse.

Yeah, yeah.

And, look, they made the snow

look kinda like gray
on account of the coal mine.

I got it
at Elsie's general store.

♪ At Elsie's

Hee-haw! alert.

Turnip truck at 4:00.

Dr. Weston,
Dr. Douglas.

I'd like you
to meet little Mattie Kane.

Okay, excuse me.

Doctor little Mattie Kane.

- Nice to meet you.
- How do you do?

How are you doin'?

Matt and I grew up together.

He's like
the little brother I never had.

I taught him how to hunt,

how to fish,

how to hot-wire
a combine for a joyride.

You were kinda
like the big brother

I never had, Bernie.
- Bernie?

- Yeah.
- See, when I was little

I couldn't say my "v" s,

so I called her Bernie instead.

Bernie.

That's bery, bery cute.

I lobe you, Bernie.

Matthew, we try to keep

the hickory stories
to a minimum around here.

It's not
that we don't like them,

it's just that when
she starts a-tellin' 'em...

We kick off our shoes
and start to whittlin'

and nothing gets done.

Come on, Matt.

I wish you could
a-told me you's comin'.

I'd have tried
to clear some time.

Laverne, I'd let you go,
but this afternoon...

We're swamped.

If you're really swamped,

how about I strap on some
hip boots and Wade on in?

Well, that's great.

- I don't know.
Hold on a second.

Now, this might not be
what you're used to.

If you don't mind my asking,

where exactly did you get
your medical training?

A little old place
called Harvard.

Well, hush my mouth
and grab a lab coat.

There you go.

- Good.
- You're here.

I need your opinion.

How does this look?

- Great.
Now balance it on your nose

and clap your hands.

Sophia, come on.

I never posed
for a magazine before.

Help me out here.

All right, beach boy.

Show me what you got.

How does this look?

I'm feeling something
I haven't felt in years.

- Really?
- The urge to run.

What are you doing?

- Come on, Harry.
I need your advice.

I really wanna impress
them on this photo sh**t.

The question is:
How far should I go?

What are you talking about?

You think I should shave?

Sure, I guess.

I mean my body.

I'm hairy, Harry.

This magazine
is full of men who glisten.

You know how chicks always say

they love a good glistener.

- That's... that's...
That's listener, Charley.

Look, look, look, have you
really thought this through?

I mean, there
are gonna be thousands,

maybe millions of people

looking at that magazine,
staring at you naked.

People read this magazine naked?

You remember...

You remember
when we's playin' hospital

and you cut up a garden hose
to make that big iv?

Lord, I can still hear your mama
cussin' us down the road.

She did.

You know, Laverne,

you're the one that inspired me
to become a doctor.

Now, I did not.

You did too.

And I still look up to you.

Well, I would be touched,

but now that you're a doctor,

you have
to look up to your nurse.

- All right.
Knock it off, you two.

You're having too much fun.

Come on, Dr. Douglas.

You know how it is
with childhood friends.

I guess.

Come on,
Dr. Douglas.

You sayin' never had
any childhood friends?

- No.
I b*at 'em all up.

Well, that's a shame.

'Cause you know what
they say back in hickory.

A good friend
is like a fishin' pond.

It's deeper than you think.

You can always
see yourself reflected back.

Plus, on Saturday nights
you can get polluted together.

Yeah, well, we have
a similar saying in the Bronx.

A good friend
is like a fishing pond.

Good luck
finding one 'round here.

I'm telling you right now.

I don't want any sh*ts.

- Good morning, Mr. Mccully.
What can we do for you today?

I'm here for my sh*ts.

Good. We get to be
a pain in his ass for a change.

No way.

I'm not letting
any woman touch me.

Hey, that's okay.

Let me try, Dr. Douglas.

I ain't never given no sh*ts
to no people person before.

Now, remind me.

Air bubbles is bad, ain't they?

I'll take her.

Come on, Mr. Mccully.

Excuse me.

I was looking for my...

My, my, my.
- Your...

My father.

I'm Carol Weston.

- Hey, Matt Kane.
- Good to meet you.

I'll go tell your father
you're here.

Thank you.

And thank your mama
for having you.

Howdy, Laverne.

Dear, dear friend.

Howdy, I think.

Who's the new doctor?

Daddy didn't
mention any new staff.

He's just an old friend
helpin' out for a few days.

I must say
he's quite easy on the eyes.

Yeah, I guess.

So, are... are you
interested in Matt

as a possible paramour?

What you mean,
am I sweet on him?

Please!

I mean, he's a nice kid
and all...

So then you wouldn't mind if
I asked him to dinner tonight?

- What are you asking me for?
I ain't his nanny.

Wonderful.

What's his favorite food?

Actually, he happens to be

a sucker
for my sweet potato pie,

and I'll give you the recipe.

Thanks a heap, rebel sister.

No problem,

yankee nut...

Laverne, I know
it's none of my business,

but why did you tell Carol

that you weren't
interested in Matt?

Because I ain't.

Laverne, you haven't taken
your eyes off of him all day.

Come on.

You're itching
for him to rotate your crops.

Dr. Douglas,

Matthew and I
are not in the business

of crop rotation.

Now, now, we are just friends.

Yeah, so are siegfried and Roy.

♪ Be my

♪ country

♪ girl

That was beautiful.

God has come
down from the ozarks

and into my living room.

Just a hobby.

- What a coincidence.
It's my hobby too.

Let me get my guitar.

Carol, your guitar is broken.

- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.

It fell off the roof.

When?

Tomorrow.

I'll get it,
I'll get it, I'll get it.

Laverne!

Hi, y'all.

Carol, I didn't mean to intrude,

but I forgot the allspice
for the sweet potato pie,

so I's just gonna sprinkle
and be on my way.

Are we having
your sweet potato pie?

Yeah, I did
give Carol the recipe.

Boy, I remember.

Bernie sent me a pie
when I was in med school.

Yeah. He didn't
wanna share it with anybody

so he snuck off
to the morgue to eat it.

Boy, you got
some serious explainin' to do

when the Dean catches you

making yummy sounds
in the morgue.

What a nice story.

Pie's in the kitchen, Laverne.

- It'll keep.
Hey, you got your guitar.

Play that song you wrote for me

when we were seven.

♪ Good...

...daddy, don't you want some pie?

- No, thanks.
I'm stuffed.

Unh! But there's
always room for pie.

Did you hear that, Laverne?

Daddy wants pie.

And when daddy wants pie,

we get him pie.

So I suggest we sashay
into the kitchen

and get daddy's pie.

Yeah, I'm a pie guy.

Would you mind telling me
what is going on out there?

You're having
dinner with Matthew.

And, all of a sudden, you.

I's just tryin' to be sociable.

Well, be sociable
on your own time, Laverne.

You told me
you weren't interested in him,

and then you come over
with some lame excuse

and monopolize the conversation.

Excuse me.

The only thing
I am interested in

is the integrity of my pie.

You mean,
your little Mattie pie.

How dare you?

How dare I what?

How dare you
call my friend a dessert?

You can lick
your lips all you want, pal.

This is the last piece of pie.

It's mine.

Charley, go away.
It's my pie.

How did he smell it?

Dr. Weston...

Laverne?

- Hi. Is Carol here?
I need to talk to her.

Well, she's sleeping.

That's even better.

Then I can just tell you,
and you can tell her.

Okay.

I really just wanted to say

I feel terrible
about my behavior tonight.

Although I do resent
her insinuation

that I did it on purpose
which is neither here nor there

because maybe I did mess up,
in which case I do apologize.

Okay? Have
a nice night now. Bye.

Whoa, whoa.

Just...
Laverne, just a minute.

Come on.

Sit down with me.

I don't wanna sit down.

Sittin' means we're gonna
talk about something else.

I think we need to...

Okay, I know.

So, did I wreck the whole night?

Well, Matt left,
Carol got a migraine,

but that's often
the way her dates work out.

I just feel terrible.

Go ahead. Eat my pie.

No sense in any of us
being happy here.

Laverne, forgive me for prying,

but is there something
going on between you and Matt?

Doctor...

We are just friends.

But ever since he showed up,

I just can't quit
thinkin' about him.

I mean, I can't sleep.

I can't eat.

Well, take my milk
in case you can't drink.

Laverne, you know what I think?

I think that you're falling
in love with your best friend.

Lurleen?

You know what I mean.

Doctor, I cannot be in love
with little Mattie Kane.

- Why not?
- Because we grew up together.

We know everything
about each other.

He is my friend.

What if he's in love with you?

What if he ain't?

I ain't a-riskin' it.
Case closed.

- Wait, wait, wait.
Laverne, Laverne, Laverne.

The strange thing about risk

is that the other side
is regret.

Now, can you live
the rest of your life wondering

what might have been?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Come on, dreyf!

I'm looking for a ditz.

Charley ditz?

That's me, but it's dietz.

- All right.
Come on. Let's go.

Wow, just imagine
what this place must be like

when you're doing a chick sh**t.

You must spend the whole day

wiping the drool
off the photographer.

I'm the photographer.

And a very fine one you must be.

All right, Patty.

Come on.
Let's get this show on the road.

All right, ditz.
Open up your shirt.

Just show us some skin.

Hairy.

Damn.

Let's go, let's go.

All right.
Ditz, give me something.

Make me want you.

Okay, show me how much
you love shuffleboard.

Good. Nice.

Very nice.
That's good.

I love it, baby.
I love it, sweetheart.

Very good.
Lovely, lovely.

You're doing it for me.
You're doing it now.

Very good, very good.
Okay, now bend down...

Pick up the puck.

Okay, good, good.

Now, look back at me
between your legs.

Sorry, ditz.
That one was just for me.

- Hey.
I'm not a piece of meat.

You're posing
for beefcake magazine, ditz.

What did you expect?

I don't care.

I'm still
a person with feelings.

And it's dietz.

Dietz.

As in rhymes with...

Feets.

- Okay, feets.
Get dressed.

Amateurs.

It's now or never.

Thank you, Elvis.

You know, I'm really
gonna miss you around here.

Well, you just have to come
down to hickory and pay a visit.

Like I said,

I'm really gonna
miss you around here.

- Matt, come here.
Thanks for all your help.

My pleasure, doctor.

- Well, come on.
It's been a long day, Maxine.

Let's go into the lounge and...

Lounge.

- Come on, Harry.
I wanna stay.

It's like an episode
of the young and the rednecks.

Just...

Well, Bernie, this is it.

Yeah. Looks like it.

Listen, Matt, um,

before you go,

there's been something
I been meanin' to say.

It's kinda hard.

What's on your mind?

I just wanted to say

how really great
it was to see you again.

I'm glad you said that.

'Cause I was thinkin'...

Well, same thing.

Right...

So, I wanted
to say from the heart...

Yes, Bernie?

Have a really safe trip.

Well, okay then.

Matt?

Yeah.

Matt...

I think I love...

My snow globe.

Great.

Well, I gotta go.

Right.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Chicken.

Chicken, chicken,

chicken, chicken,
chicken, chicken.

- Laverne...
- Doctor, I choked.

He's gone.
Didn't say anything.

Chicken!
- Wait now, come on, Laverne.

Please, dear, come on.
Don't be so hard on yourself.

What if you had another chance?

Would you tell him?
- I don't know.

God. Chicken!

All right. Yes I would.

Fine. Let's go.

Come on. Let's go. Move.
Come on.

Okay, we made it.

No thanks to you.

You's a-drivin' so slow,
bushes was a-passin' us.

Just...

I'm sorry, miss.

Can you step back through?

Yeah, it's my stethoscope.

Final boarding call
for flight 127 to hickory,

little rock and Tulsa.

Go on, doctor.

Catch that plane, get on it,

do whatever it takes,
tell him...

Tell him
I really like him a lot.

- Laverne...
- Okay, tell him I love him.

Come on.
Can't you let me go through?

Yeah, the old

"let me through, I have to
tell him I love him" ploy.

No, sir. I'm not making
that mistake again.

Matthew!

Bernie?

What are you doing here?

Well...

What I came to say is...

Well, wanted to say...

What I've finally
come to realize is...

Take your time.

It's not like
he has a plane to catch.

Look, she loves you.

Bernie?

Well, I mean...

You know, if you
don't feel the same,

we could still be friends.

Good luck.

Once you say the "l" word,

there's no going back.

- Excuse me.
Do you mind?

I don't know
what to say, Laverne.

Except...

I love you too.

I now pronounce you

boyfriend and girlfriend.

Now get the hell
off my metal detector.

Boyfriend, looks
like your plane just left.

Well, that's okay.

I think I'll stick around
a while.

Wait a second.

What about Dr. Weston?

- My god.
- I'm going to hickory.

Wow...

You've got a lot of integrity.

Thank you.

You know, I don't think anybody
should be treated like that

and I'm not afraid to say it.

It's not nice.

I like you.

You've got class.

You know,
the old me might have made

some sleazy remark
about your legs

or call your Hooters fun bags.

But that would be wrong.