01x01 - Maude's Problem

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[DONNY HATHAWAY'S
"AND THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]

♪ Lady Godiva
Was a freedom rider ♪

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪

♪ If the whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with the Lord
To guide her ♪

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the first
Bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
Was fallin' apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross
Got it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then
There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then
There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then
There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪

Walter, what time is it?

Quarter to 7.

What's so important
what time it is?

Carol isn't here,
dinner is waiting,

she knows I have to go
to the hospital tonight

to see Eleanor Halsey,

and visiting hours
are from 6 to 8.

Eleanor Halsey?

I didn't even know she was sick.

Sick? Poor thing.
She's having a hysterectomy.

Oh, is that all?

I mean, they do hysterectomies
like tonsils today.

She'll be fine.

I'm sure Eleanor
will be relieved to hear that.

Especially from a Maytag dealer.

Quarter to 7.
[DOORBELL DINGS]

Oh, that must--

She probably forgot her key.

Oh, well, howdy, ma'am.

Happy to see you lookin'
so fine this evening.

I'm trying to win me
a four-year scholarship

to one of the better
eastern colleges.

Uh, well,
before you think about college,

I think you should
learn how to read.

That sign says, "No solicitors."

Oh, oh--

This isn't a solicitation,
ma'am. Oh, no.

You see, some of us veterans
from Vietnam

are competin'
in this here contest,

and the way we win--
Vietna--

Were you in Vietnam?

Well, so was I.

For two years,
as a foreign correspondent.

Tell me, uh,
what unit were you with?

Because I know
every single unit.

Um...

Um, uh, um, uh...

A-actually, I was--

Actually, you're selling
magazines, aren't you?

Yeah.
Yes, and you're rotten at it.

Oh, you should have seen
the con men

who came around
after World w*r II.

They were artists.

They came on crutches,
some with bandages.

There were even
a few litter cases.

But you?
You're a bust.

Vietnam.
God, what a lousy w*r.

Walter.

You know, come to think of it,
Carol was late last Tuesday

and the Tuesday befo--

Come to think of it,

she has been late
every Tuesday for a month.

It can only mean one thing.

And what's that?

She's having an affair.

Maude, why is it the first thing
that pops into your mind,

an affair?

Maybe she joined
the bowling club at work.

Carol bowling?

Yes, Carol bowling.

Or a weekly office meeting.

But why an affair?

Well, it's about time.

Don't start, Mother.

Carol, you're late.
I know.

Well, you could have phoned.

Unless, of course, there's
some reason you couldn't.

You want an excuse?
I'll give you an excuse.

I was shipwrecked
on the good ship Lollipop.

Now, if that satisfies you,

I'd be happy
for a little silence.

Just plain silence.

Carol, are you angry?

Oh, it's an affair, all right.

You don't yell like that
after bowling.

I admit she's
a little touchy,

but why does it have
to be an affair?

Oh, Walter, when a woman wears
dark glasses in the house,

she's obviously trying
to cover up the fact

that she's been crying.

Not necessarily.

Maybe she's got a black eye.

You're such a comfort.

Good evening, Walter.

Hi, Carol.
Just get in?

Mother,
Phillip's not in his room.

Where is he?
Oh, I forgot.

He's having dinner
over at Pablo's house tonight.

Carol.

Carol.

Have you been crying?

Carol, why are you wearing
dark glasses in the house?

Aren't you going to the hospital
to visit Eleanor Halsey?

No, that can wait
till tomorrow.

Walter says there's
nothing to worry about.

Carol, are you
having an affair?

Just leave me alone,
Mother.

But that defies reality, Carol.

You are not alone.

Mother is here.

Carol, you have been crying.

Mother, for the last time,
will you bug off?

"Bug off"?

No, that can't
be what they meant

when they wrote,
"From the mouths of babes."

No, not "Bug off."

You wanna see
if I've been crying?

There. You see?

You bet I've been crying.

But, Carol, you were always
such a happy child.

Sure, Maude,
that's why I cry all the time.

I'm so happy.

If I got any happier,
I'd be having an anxiety attack.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I'm beginning to get
the whole story.

Late every Tuesday,
crying, anxiety--

Carol,
you're seeing a psychiatrist.

That's right.

Walter, did you hear that?

WALTER:
How could I miss?

I mean, you were
10 feet away from me.

She was no more than six.

Wait a minute.
Sound travels at the rate--

Watch it, Walter.
Watch it.

What's the big deal
about my seeing a psychiatrist?

For your information,

I've been seeing him
once a week for months.

But, Carol, you were always
such a happy child.

You said that before, Maude.

I'm going in to get dinner.

Walter, what is Carol doing
seeing a psychiatrist?

What are you doing
feeling so threatened by it?

Who said I'm threatened?
I'm not threatened.

There's nothing
to be threatened about.

Okay, then,
since she's in no mood

to discuss it tonight,
don't bring it up.

You're right, Walter.

I won't bring it up.
I'll see that she brings it up.

Walter,
I know Mother's up to here

with questions
about my therapy--

Now, wait a minute, Carol.

I know you're too upset
to discuss it.

I already spoke to Maude.
She won't bring it up.

You're a darling, Walter.

Walter,

when Carol,
brings up the subject

be careful what you say.

Maude, she won't
bring the subject up.

She will. I promise you.

Okay, this is everything.

Let's go.

Ah. Oh.

Lookie, lookie, lookie.

Pot roast
and mashed potatoes.

Maude, you outdid
yourself tonight.

Didn't she, Carol?

Oh, yes, Mother,
it smells so good.

Whoa.
Oh, pass the meat.

You bet.

Hand me the mashed potatoes.

Fantastic.

Beets. You never told me
that you got beets.

Let's go. Now we can have
a little of this here.

Mashed potatoes, Mom.
I haven't had beets in weeks.

Let me have some
of that pot roast.

Country gravy. Oh.

Oh, it's fantastic.

Now, wait a minute, Carol.

Will you please wait a minute?

Now, how about you, Maude?

Aren't you eating?

Boy, what's the matter, love?
Pain in your tum-tum?

Aren't you going to eat
anything at all, Mother?

Well, I guess it's just
you and me, Walter.

Oh, great.

Three portions
to split two ways.

All right, Mother.
That does it.

I didn't bring it up.

Didn't bring what up?

Your psychiatrist.

I didn't mention him.
I didn't say a word.

All right, Mother.

I've been in therapy
three months.

The medical plan
at the office pays for it.

The doctor's a graduate of NYU,
and his name is Bayard Stern.

That's good.
You know, Freud was Jewish too.

They make the best
psychiatrists.

Dr. Stern isn't Jewish.
Oh, really?

Well, they make good
psychiatrists too.

Anyway, that's the whole story.

Except for one thing.

I was a good mother, Carol.

Probably.

What do you mean, "probably"?

Well, there's a lot I just
don't remember, that's all.

Maude, you have nothing
to worry about.

You're pro-psychiatry, remember?

You've always been
pro-psychiatry.

So no matter how Carol
comes out in her therapy,

know that she'll come out of it

stronger, healthier
and loving you all the more.

What do you mean,

there's a lot
you don't remember?

Mother, I'm not gonna discuss
my therapy with you.

Dr. Stern said
it would get us nowhere.

Well, of course Dr. Stern
would say it,

because you only tell him
the bad things.

The good things
you don't even remember.

Carol,
I was a model mother.

Okay, you were a model mother.

Remember when you were a child

and we lived in
Everett, Massachusetts?

I don't remember that.

Walter, you remember that.

I didn't even know you then.

Walter, leave me alone.

How about when you were going
into the first grade.

Your first day of school.

Oh, you cried like a baby.

They called me from school
at 10:00 in the morning

to come pick you up.

You know what I did?

I sat there with you all day.

And the next day too.

The only mother in the class...

on those tiny chairs.

I don't remember that, either.

You don't rem--

You knock your brains out for
them, and they don't remember.

Mother,
I don't remember anything

between the ages
of 3 and 10.

But that's seven years, Carol.

That's when I was
the best mother in the world.

Oh, Carol, search your mind.

When you were 3, 4, 5,

among all those dinky little
three-foot kids,

don't you remember
one tall, striking woman

who seemed to be
hanging around a lot?

No.
I'm sorry, Mother.

It's a block.

The whole period
is one big void.

And you're trying to tell me

that that psychiatrist
is helping her?

He is, whether
you believe it or not.

Mother,
try and understand this:

one of the reasons
I'm in therapy

is so I can learn to deal
with my problems alone,

by myself.

I do not want your help.

But that's ridiculous.

No, it's one of the reasons

I should have moved out
of this house a long time ago.

Carol, you want to move?
Then move.

You mean that?
No.

Well, that's exactly
what I'm going to do.

But, Carol, you can't move.

Yes, I'll start looking
for an apartment tomorrow.

Carol, everything's perfect
for you here.

You save money,

and Walter and I are great
baby-sitters for Phillip.

You have your freedom.

That's why you moved
in here after your divorce.

Oh, Walter,
please talk some sense into her.

Maude,
she's a responsible adult.

If she wants to move,
let her move.

I knew I could count on you.

I have a good mind to go to see
your Dr. Stern tomorrow

and tell him he's
breaking up my home.

Where are you going?

To phone some friends
about an apartment.

Carol.

If you leave this house
under these circumstances,

you need never come back.

All right, then, I won't.

Walter...

What did I say that for?

Well, you were such
a lousy mother all these years,

I guess you figured
you'd go all the way.

You really are a comfort.

Ow!

What do you mean,
I was a lousy mother?

Why are you biting?

I was the best mother
in the world, and you know it.

Uh, this is
Dr. Bayard Stern's office.

Yes, I know.

I'm 11:00 Wednesday.

I've been 11:00 Wednesday
for three years now.

I don't have an appointment.
Oh.

I want yours.

But--

But--
See, the terrible thing is

that I really don't have
any plan of action.

But, then, how could I have?

I mean, I didn't know
who was going to be here.

I mean, there was no way
I could know who would be here.

You do see that, don't you?

I see that, yes.
So give me the hour.

No.
I'll buy it from you.

No.

I will make you rich
beyond dreams of avarice.

I don't care.

You didn't understand that,
did you.

No.
No, neither did I.

I read it in a book somewhere.

Uh, tell me, is Dr. Stern
usually on time?

Yes. He's very punctual.
On the dot.

Um...

Listen. Obviously this means
a great deal to me

or I wouldn't be here.
You do know that, don't you?

Uh, yes.
Then, pussycat,
listen to me.

I want you...

to want me...

to have this hour.

In a way, I do.

But not because you think that I
might do you great bodily harm.

Oh, no.

No, that's not it.

Because, of course, I wouldn't.

I mean, you do know that,
don't you?

Yes, I know that.

Don't scream.
I won't scream.

I wouldn't hurt a fly.

No, I know that.

I know that.

Believe me,
I wouldn't hurt a fly.

Oh, hello--
Oh, excuse me.

I was expecting Mrs. Manley.

Yes, I know.
She had to run.

She did?

Now, look, she might be back
when she thinks about it,

so hurry up, doctor.
We may not have too much time.

I, uh, suppose
you're wondering who I am.

Well, patients usually do
discuss some of the people

they're closely involved with,
so I do have a guess.

Oh? Well, take your best shot,
doctor.

Mrs. Findlay.
Carol's mother?

Bull's-eye.

Now, Mrs. Findlay,
if the reason you came to see me

is to discuss your daughter,

I would have to have
her permission first.

I mean, that is part and parcel
of our therapeutic relationship.

You do understand that,
don't you?

Oh, certainly, certainly.

Now, here's what I wanna
talk to you about.

No, no, no.

Now, wait a minute,
Mrs. Findlay.

You don't understand.

There is no way
we can have this meeting

without Carol's
prior permission.

Look, doctor, why don't
I just lay it on the line?

All right.

In order to get rid of me,

you are either going to have
to carry me out bodily,

kicking, scratching and--
All right, all right.

Enough. Enough.
I get the idea.

And believe me,
I am a pragmatist.

I didn't know.

All my daughter mentioned
was that you weren't Jewish.

I see you don't use a couch.

No. No, I don't
believe in them.

Freud used a couch.

But then,
he dealt mostly in sex.

Whereas you deal mostly
in home-wrecking.

I don't think I quite
understand that, Mrs. Findlay.

Doctor, my daughter Carol

threatened to leave home
last night.

Obviously, you put her up to it.
Oh, no, no.

Carol is perfectly capable
of making her own decisions.

I mean, what makes you think
I have such control over her?

Because she has always
been a rational,

clear-thinking person
like her mother.

But last night when she told me
she was leaving home,

that was not my Carol.

Doctor, the things she said--
What are you writing?

Oh, it's just a notation.
Go right on.

Uh, doctor,
I've seen enough movies to know

that when a psychiatrist
picks up a pencil,

he is not leaving a note
for the milkman.

Now, what is it?
Well, all right.

It's just that I've noticed that
ever since you've been here,

you have never referred
to Carol as "Carol."

I mean, several times
you've used the phrase,
uh, "my daughter."

A moment ago, you said,
"my Carol."

But it's never been
just plain "Carol."

Well, what's that
supposed to make me?

Over-possessive, I suppose?

No, no.

I didn't say that.
Oh?

Well, then, scratch out
the three "my Carols,"

the two "my daughters,"

make it five "Carols,"

and you'll come out even.

Mrs. Findlay, since you're here,

I really do want you
to feel comfortable.

Now, there is no need
to be on the defensive.

On the defensive?

[SCOFFS]

What have I got to be
on the defensive about?

I mean, I--

I carried my daughter inside--

Did I say "my daughter"?

No, I meant Carol.

You know, my daughter.

Anyway, I carried her
inside me for nine months.

I raised her.

I loved her.

I lived with her father--
A wacko you couldn't believe.

--two years longer than
I should have because of her,

so you take back that word
"defensive,"

because I am taking back
the right to call my daughter

"my Carol"
anytime I feel like it.

Mrs. Findlay,

what exactly did you hope
to accomplish by coming here.

I don't want Carol leaving home.

Not out of anger.

You mentioned her father.

That was your first husband?

No, that was my second.
Oh, I see.

Right now,
you're married to your third?

No, Walter's my fourth.
Oh.

You know,
life is trial and error, doctor.

Actually, the only reason
I married in the first place

was to get out of the house and
away from my mother, you know.

You write that,
and they'll call you "Lefty."

Mrs. Findlay, uh, your mother...

Was she a tall woman?

Doctor, I have no intention

of going through
my life history with you.

I did not come here for therapy
for myself,

so there is nothing on my heart
that I have to unload to you.

And if you can't see that,
then I think you're

a terrible psychiatrist,

and I think you ask
ridiculous questions.

She was 5'11" and a half,
in stocking feet

with a voice
that shattered glass.

Where on earth is Mother?

Walter, I'm talking to you.

She knows I'm moving tonight.

She knows I wouldn't leave
without saying goodbye.

I think she's being
darned inconsiderate.

Well, it's about time.

Don't bug me, Carol.

Do you know how late you are?

You wanna know
where I've been?

All right, I'll tell you
where I've been.

I've been climbing
Mount Rushmore with the Pope.

Is that enough?
Is that okay?

Mother, have you been crying?

No.
I have a black eye.

I think she's having an affair.

When a woman
wears dark glasses--

Don't do this to me, Walter.

Oh, ooh...

I think I'm having
an anxiety attack.

Carol, that's your department.

Mother, are you seeing
a psychiatrist?

I don't wanna talk about it.

You couldn't
be seeing Dr. Stern.

He would have wanted
to talk to me first.

I said I don't
want to discuss it.

Well, how can I help you
if you won't talk to me?

I'm your daughter.

And I'm your mother.

How about the time
I wanted to talk to you?

I know.

I should have let you,
but I just couldn't.

It's different,
my leaning on you.

I've always done that.

So wouldn't it be nice if just
this once you could lean on me?

It doesn't come easy, Carol.

I know that.

You've always maintained
that hard, crusty exterior,

but inside...

Mush.

Mother, please let me help you.

Well, I did see Dr. Stern today.

You couldn't have.

He would have asked
my permission first.

I know that's part and parcel of
the doctor/patient relationship.

You did see Dr. Stern.

I don't know how you manage it,
Mother, but leave it to you.

I finally get somebody I can
talk to, wouldn't you know,

you'd get to him.

But I didn't get to him.

What are you talking about?

First, you say you did.
Then you say you didn't.

I didn't get to him.
He got to me.

Carol, I saw the man at 11:00
this morning,

and I've been crying all day.

But you were talking about me.

Why should you be crying?

That's it.
I wasn't talking about you.

Carol,
do you recall when you told me

that you don't remember
anything that happened

from the time you were 3
until you were 10?

That huge chunks of childhood
were completely blocked out?

That you don't even remember
having seen your mother

during that period?

Well,

I talked to Dr. Stern
about my mother too.

Oh, Mother,
you don't remember, either?

No, it's worse with me.

I remember.

Oh, boy, do I remember.

Carol, I wanna ask
you something.

Do you love me?

What kind of a question is that?

It's a hell of a question.

That's what kind of question
it is.

Well, of course I love you.
You're my mother.

No, I didn't ask you
if you love me
because I'm your mother.

I asked you if you love me.

Well, how can I separate
the two? You are my mother.

Yeah, but what if I weren't?

Mother, you're impossible.

Carol, you have exactly
10 seconds to answer.

How can I answer that question?
Five.

There's no possible way--
Four.

All right.

I love you.

I would love you
no matter who you were.

I love you.

Now, does that make you happy?

Very happy.

Now, can we change the subject?
Certainly.

Let's talk about you.

What are the things
you love about me?

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

ANNOUNCER:
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And then
There's Maude ♪

♪ And then
There's Maude ♪

♪ And then
There's Maude ♪