[audience murmuring]
[woman] Sugar
-Sugar
-[audience applauding]
-Sugar
-[woman 2] Butter
-Sugar
-Butter
-Sugar
-Butter
-[woman 3] Flour
-Sugar
-Butter
-Flour
["Sugar, Butter, Flour"
harmonizing]
My hands pluck the things
I know that I need
I'll take the sugar
And butter from the pantry
I add the flour to begin
What I am hoping to start
And then it's down
With the recipe
And bake from the heart
Sugar
And butter
And flour
And mother
What's inside?
Everyone wants to know
What's inside?
And I always tell them
But I...
Feel more than words
Can say
You want to know
What's inside?
Simple question, so then
What's the answer?
-My whole life is in here
-What's inside?
-In this kitchen baking
-What's inside?
-What a mess I'm making
-[man] Jenna!
-[upbeat music]
-What's the special pie today?
-Deep sh*t blueberry bacon.
-Deep sh*t?
Dish! Deep dish! Sorry, Cal.
The day starts like
The rest we've seen
Another carbon copy
Of an old routine
-Days keep coming
-One out, one in
They keep coming
Make the coffee strong enough
to chew.
I don't know
What I wish I had
But there's no time now
For thinking things like that
-We've got too much to do
-Too much to do
All these same things
We're always
Opening up
Letting the day in
Over a cup, we'll say
Hello, how you been?
Looking around
Seeing the same things
Every day brings
-Hello, how you been?
-Hello, how you been?
-Thank you
-Thank you
Come again!
Some things never change
Some things Never change
I wouldn't call this place
A happy end
But I've been
'Round the block
And just came back again
A small town like ours
Ain't much
But sometimes home
Is where your ass ends up
-Order up!
-Ordered up is how the day
Will find me
Everything in its place
And timing
I like the way
Most of the days
Look exactly the same
[Cal] Order up
Check the clock
Tick, tick, tock
Don't stop
Serve with a smile
Hurry up
Fill the coffee cup
And then in a while
Take a breath
When you need
To be reminded that with
Days like these
We can only do
The best we can
-Till we do it again
-Come on, move it now
-Opening up
-Hello
-How you been?
-Thank you
-Opening up
-Some things never change
Some things never change
-Hello, how you been?
-Hello, how you been?
-Thank you
-Thank you
Come again!
Some things never change
[applause]
-[bell dings]
-Order up!
-Becky!
-[bell dings]
Come on, Becky, put some hustle
in that bustle.
Cal, does your ass
ever get jealous
of the constant crap that comes
out of your mouth?
Ooh, howdy, Joe. What'll it be?
It's warm in here. I'm warm.
-Okay, I'll let Cal know.
-Let Cal know.
-I'll let Cal know.
-Okay, listen up.
Today, I want a big piece
of your deep dish blueberry
bacon pie
with my scrambled eggs
and toast.
And a tomato on the side
on its own plate.
Okay. No potatoes with that?
Did I say anything
about potatoes?
Where'd you get potatoes from?
Okay, no potatoes. Tomato.
That everything?
No. I also want coffee.
But don't bring that first.
Bring me water first
with the meal
and the coffee after.
Are you okay?
Am I making you sick?
Sorry, I'm just feeling
a tad queasy.
-[piano music]
-You okay, Jenna?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Too much coffee is all.
Avoiding it ain't gonna
make it go away.
-No.
-Hey. Hey. Hey!
-Where the hell y'all going?
-To the beach. Pack us a lunch.
There's no one on the floor!
Am I supposed to put on
a waitress uniform myself?
Hey, whatever floats
your boat, Cal.
Let me remind you
I can fire your ass.
Sorry, Cal, we can't hear you.
The water's running.
Get out here!
I'm only saying it once.
This is the last time
I'm gonna say it!
Dammit.
Hey, I gotta get back
to my table.
Jenna, time to pee on a stick.
Oh, I don't wanna know!
Come on, honey,
You've waited long enough
Get to it and do it
-Okay, girls, enough!
-You know what we mean
I hope you drank
Enough this morning
Come on, sweetie,
It's better to know
We'll be right here
With you, so
It's no or it's yes
But either way,
You gotta take the test
A squat and a squeeze,
A prayer and a please,
It's nothing
A stick and a line
Just one of 'em
If I'm lucky
A pot and a piss,
Here we go, sis
And we'll keep our focus on
The negative
Here. All right,
read the instructions.
-Se puede saber...
-In English!
Oh. Do not insert the test stick
into your vag*na.
Wow. Thank you, Dawn!
How'd I ever
Get myself in this mess?
One drunk night
And that stupid red dress
Oh, I love that red dress.
The way it sparkles
it looks like
an ice skating outfit.
Stay with us, Dawn.
Maybe his machinery
Is broken somehow
What if his boys don't swim?
I mean, wow, miraculous luck.
Yeah, miraculous.
To get away
With an uprotected fu--
Funny how one night can
Ruin your whole life
Don't go there yet
We don't know what
The test says
-I'm already panicked
-Just calm down, goddammit
Maybe it'll all be fine
Maybe there'll be
Just one line
Come on, negative
I thought you don't sleep with
your husband much anymore.
We got drunk. I do stupid things
when I drink.
Like sleep with my husband.
Honey, we've all
made that mistake.
Focus on the negative
This will all be all right
It was only one night
Someone send me a sign
One line, One line
[timer dings]
That means
The test is ready
This is it
[music continues]
-sh*t.
-[music ends]
[applause]
-Honey, are you all right?
-Shh, shh, shh.
I'm inventing a new pie
in my head.
-Sugar
-Of course you are.
I'm gonna call it
I Don't Want Earl's Baby Pie.
I don't think we can write
that on the menu board.
Then I'll just call it
Betrayed By My Eggs Pie.
What's gonna be in it?
cr*ck an egg,
combine with sausage
and soak it in beer,
mix in cheesy red dressing
and add extra shortening
in your crust
to trap the moisture in forever.
Jenna, this ain't something
you can just tuck into a pie.
Hey! Pledge the sorority later!
Y'all don't do your work,
I'll dock your pay.
And, lady, you are really
pushing my buttons today.
Hmm, well, which one is mute?
Waitress!
Who do you have
to know around here to get
a piece of pie?
-Earl
-Hey sweet thing.
Hey, what are you doing here?
Taking the rest of the day off.
What about work?
That friggin' foreman.
So he was on my ass
for being late.
But I told him don't blame
the line at Taco Bell on me.
I don't belong in that sh*t job.
-Where's my kiss?
-Earl, I got to get back
to work.
They can wait.
How we doing today?
Yeah, it's not bad,
but it's not great.
Hey, you know what?
I've been thinking.
I don't think it's worth
you working here at this diner.
-I don't like those girls.
-[slams]
That one looks at me like
I just k*lled her dog.
No, I think I'd rather
have you home
baking me pies all day long.
Oh, damn this is tasty.
Yeah? Last piece left.
It sold so fast today
I couldn't quite believe it.
Oh, don't go getting
a big head or nothing.
I mean, this is good,
but let's face it,
you ain't no Sara Lee.
You used to say my pies
were so good I could open
my own shop.
I was just trying to get laid.
Sugar
My husband's
a jerk chicken pot pie.
Pound chicken
'til it's unrecognizable.
Pack flour quickly.
Use only essential ingredients.
Then simmer without a lid,
allowing the vapor to escape
swiftly from the mixture.
Jenna! Jenna! Jenna!
You're not listening to me!
And you know what? I work hard.
And you want for nothing,
you can't even listen to me.
-[bell ringing]
-I'll work on that, Earl.
Am I imagining it?
Are your boobies getting bigger?
Like they practically grew
a whole size overnight.
[laughs] That's crazy, Earl.
Maybe you're just eating
a little too much pie.
Mm-hmm.
All right, I'm outta here.
Hey, you tell your friends
about this bad boy?
Earl.
In medieval font.
Now don't get too close
'cause the ink is still drying.
Now that must be helpful,
just in case he forgets
who he is.
Jenna, life is a sh*t show.
My left boob is now so much
lower than my right
I'm lucky I don't trip over it.
And I'm married
to Drooling Phil The Invalid
and buying Depends by the bulk.
And Dawn here
has never had a boyfriend
and eats TV dinners
alone every night.
Chicken Kiev on Monday,
veal piccata on Tuesday.
But we still
wouldn't rather be you.
No, we sure wouldn't.
Everybody's got something
they're dealing with.
Don't worry about me.
It'll be fine.
Yeah, some father
Earl's gonna be.
Look, hon,
don't hold yourself to vows
and promises you made
when you were too young to know
who the hell he really was!
Earl wasn't always like this.
He's just going through
a rough time is all.
What's the shelf life
on that excuse.
I couldn't even afford
to leave him now.
[gasps] You can move in with me.
It's a studio,
but I have a full size twin.
That's real sweet, Dawn,
but I have a baby coming.
Jenna, dust the flour
out of your brain.
Do that baby a favor
and leave his sorry ass.
-He'd never let me.
-Honey, it's not up to him.
Okay, look, I got 14 pies
to make that ain't gonna
bake themselves.
-Jenna!
-Life's Just Peachy
Peachy Keen pie.
-Jenna!
-Where There's A Whisk
There's A Way pie.
Oh, Lord
Make it work
Make it easy
Make it clever
Craft it into pieces
Make it sweet
Crimp the edges
Or make it sour and serve
With lemon wedges
Even doubt
Can be delicious
And it washes off
Of all the dirty dishes
When it's done I can smile
It's on someone else's
Plate for a while
I'll place it on display
And then I'll slice
And serve my worries away
I can fix this
I can twist it
Into sugar butter
Covered pieces
Never mind
What's underneath it
I have done it before
I'll bake me a door
To help me get through
I learned that
From you, Mama
It's amazing
What baking can do
[vocalizing]
Make it up
And surprise them
Tell them all my secrets
But disguise them
So they dance
On the tongues
Of the very people
That they're secret from
Make it soon
Make it better
Though better never
Lasts forever
I'll make it small
So it fits
Even this
Even now
Even as the walls
come tumbling down
Even as I can't stop
Remembering how
Every door we ever made
We never once walked out
Something I never
Got the chance
To ask her about
So with flour
On my hands
I'll show them all how
g*dd*mn happy I am...
Sugar, butter, flour
Don't let me down
Let's see the next
Amazing thing
Baking does now
-[music ends]
-[applause]
[upbeat music]
-Knock, knock
-Knock, knock
-Who's there?
-Who's there?
-Knocked up
-Knocked up who?
-You there
-Join us
Mrs. Hunterson,
the doctor will see you now.
Welcome to Club Knocked Up
-Knock, knock
-Who's there?
-Precious
-Precious who?
Precious little parasite
Who set its sight on you
Dream come true
Welcome to Club Knocked Up
Welcome to Club Knocked Up
[knocks]
Hello. Mrs. Bunterson?
Hunterson. Who are you?
I'm your doctor?
I'm Doctor Pomatter.
You brought a pie?
Gah, you know, I've only been
in town a few weeks
I'm already-- I am--
I am so impressed
with the genuine hospitality
of the place.
You're not my doctor.
Lily Perkins is my doctor.
This pie is for her.
It's her favorite.
Mermaid Marshmallow.
I am sorry to say
she's not seeing any patients.
She is semi-retired now.
What?
Long story. Making it short.
I'm the junior doctor on staff.
I am from Connecticut.
I just moved here two weeks ago.
-Are you bored yet?
-Yes. No.
I'm so sorry. Anyway,
if you're not comfortable
having me as your doctor...
that's fine.
My feelings will not be hurt.
You can just go
and you can get yourself another
gynecologist in the area.
But Dr. Perkins delivered me.
She's been my doctor forever.
I really like and trust her.
Maybe you can really like
and trust me, too?
It doesn't happen that fast,
but I'll try.
Okay. Okay, that's good.
I'm your doctor.
-It's nice to meet you,
Mrs. Bunterson.
-Hunterson.
Hunterson.
So what seems to be the problem?
-Well, I seem to be pregnant.
-Well, hey, that's good.
It's great. It's good for you.
Congratulations.
Thanks, but I don't want
this baby.
Okay. I can refer you
to a doctor who performs--
No, no, no. I'm keeping it.
Not that I judge that.
I'm just telling you
I'm not so happy about it
like everybody else might be,
so maybe you could be sensitive
and not congratulate me
and make a big deal every time
you see me.
I'm having the baby,
that's that.
It's not a party, though.
Not a party.
-[knock on door]
-Yes?
Excuse me, Doctor.
Mrs. Flannigan
wants to talk to you
about doulas before she leaves.
-Doulas?
-Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I have no idea
what that is.
No, come on. I'm only joking.
Of course I know what that is.
-Mm-hmm.
-[mouths]
And here are Mrs. Hunterson's
blood test results.
Well...
un-congratulations.
You're definitely having a baby.
Well, un-thank you.
Do you have any concerns?
You know, do's and don'ts?
Exercise or sex?
Don't really do much of either.
Okay. Here's your prescription
for your pre-natal vitamins.
Nurse Norma is just gonna
give you a list of the good
and the bad foods.
That's just like caffeine
and alcohol and et cetera.
It's very nice--
[applause]
it's very nice
meeting you, Jenna.
I'm gonna--
I'm gonna see you again,
you know,
in three weeks.
-I do have one question.
-Yeah. Yeah, sh**t.
How pregnant am I?
Very.
I mean, there's really
only one degree of pregnancy,
so to speak.
No, no. [laughs]
I mean how far along? [laughs]
You're eight weeks,
Give or take.
Okay, so I don't start showing
for a while, right?
-Right.
-Good, then I have
a little time.
Although it is quite
beautiful, you know,
-when a woman's body begins to--
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Dr. Pomatter?
-Yeah?
I'm gonna give you this pie.
Oh, that looks
absolutely delicious.
I am off sugar
It actually causes
leptin resistance,
chromium deficiency,
decreased longevity.
My mama used to say
you can live to be 100
if you give up all
the things that make you
want to live to be 100.
Well the longer
you're away from sugar
the less you crave it.
I haven't had a piece of pie
in years.
Really?
Life's hard enough.
[upbeat music]
[dreamy music]
[applause]
-[music ends]
-Listen, Cal,
we had ketchups out there
yesterday half-empty
and we all know,
the fuller the condiments,
the fuller the experience.
I am so sorry. I'll make sure
it never happens again.
Thank you, Dawn.
I'll sleep tonight.
-You're late.
-I'm sorry.
The bus driver was half asleep.
Why doesn't your damn husband
buy you a car already?
Because he doesn't want me
going nowhere.
And you!
Late again!
You're inches away
from being fired, lady.
Okay, then fire me.
Okay I will.
Okay, then do!
[western music]
[applause]
So how was the doc?
Ugh, fine. It was fine.
New doctor. A man.
A man? Wow. He single?
Maybe he'd be good for Dawn.
What? Oh... [snort laughs]
No, no, no.
I think he had a ring on.
Nice guy.
Nervous. From Connecticut.
Connecticut? What the hell
is he doing here?
-I have no idea.
-Girl, park it for a minute.
We bought you something.
-Not you.
-Oh.
-A present.
-That is so sweet.
You shouldn't have.
What a Mama You're Gonna Be.
I researched
all the best baby books
and this one was so sweet.
Look here.
there's a place to write
your first letter to your baby.
"Dear baby"
That's really great.
Now we know you didn't
initially have a strong...
happiness about this pregnancy,
but she is coming anyway.
Oh, well, we don't know
it's a she.
I mean, it could be an alien.
Now you're not getting
any more affectionate toward
this little baby?
-Not at all?
-Not everyone wants
to be a mama, Dawn.
That doesn't make me
a bad person.
Can I interest the book club
in some coffee
and a slice
of Sit On Your Ass pie?
Oh, that's a good one, Cal.
And you know, I love
what you've done with your hair.
Tell me, how'd you get it
to come out your nostrils
like that?
-Opening up!
-Mm-hmm.
So did you tell Earl yet?
It didn't come up.
Hey, Dawn, did you finish
writing your profile yet?
We're not done talking
about you.
I think we are. Dawn?
Um, I'm still writing it.
You have been writing it
for weeks.
Well, there's just not enough
space to complete a compelling,
yet thorough, honest,
description of myself.
Okay, well, why don't you
run what you got by us?
Go ahead, honey.
Let's hear it. Come on.
[clears throat]
Ecstatically alive,
fervently organized,
dynamic and witty,
I am a woman of many passions
including a rare
turtle collection.
I love the History Channel.
-Oh, now that's nice.
-Oh, note.
I have played Betsy Ross
in 33 Revolutionary w*r
reenactments.
Okay, well that'll set you
apart from the crowd.
Oh, well, I'm calling myself
NewDawnRising.
-Too much?
-No, no, no.
-Post it tonight!
-No, this is a mistake.
Dawn, this is your one
and only life.
I stick with real things
Usually facts And figures
When information's
In its place
I minimize
The guessing game
-Guess what?
-[both] What?
I don't like
Guessing games
Or when I feel things
Before I know the feelings
How am I supposed to
operate
If I'm just tossed around
By fate?
Like on an unexpected date
With a stranger
Who might talk too fast
Or ask me questions
About myself
Before I've decided that
He can ask me
Questions about myself
He might sit too close
Or call the waiter
By his first name
Or eat Oreos
But eat the cookie
Before the cream
But what scares me the most
What scares me the most
Is what if When he sees me
What if he doesn't like it?
What if he runs
The other way
And I can't hide from it?
What happens then
If when he knows me
He's only disappointed?
What if I give myself away
To only get it given back?
I couldn't live with that
How do you live with that?
So I'm just fine inside
My shell-shaped mind
This way I get
The best view
So that when he sees me
I want him to
Dawn, don't you think
you're being a little--
-I mean, just a tad--
-I'm not defensive
I'm simply being cautious
I can't risk
Reckless dating
Due to
My miscalculating why
A certain suitor
Stands in line
I've seen in movies,
Most made for television
You cannot be too careful
When it comes
To sharing your life
I could end up
A miserable wife
Sorry girls. But he could
be criminal
Some sort of psychopath who
Escaped from an institution
Somewhere where
They don't have girls
He could have masterminded
Some way to find me
He could be colorblind,
How untrustworthy is that?
He could be less than kind
Or even worse
He could be very nice
Have lovely eyes
And make me laugh
Come out of hiding
What do I do with that?
Oh, God
What if when he sees me
I like him
And he knows it?
What if he opens up a door
And I can't close it?
What if you only open up
What happens when
If when he holds me
My heart is set in motion?
I'm not prepared for that
I'm scared of breaking open
But still I can't help
From hoping
To find
Someone to talk to
Who likes the way I am
Someone who when he sees me
Wants to again
[applause]
[bell ringing]
Do y'all plan to work today
or do you expect folks
to serve themselves?
Works for me.
I don't think I invited
anyone for breakfast.
Scoot! Vamoose! Skadoodle!
All right.
-Becky.
-What?
Old Joe's in your section.
Kinda owns the place.
Uh-uh, I can't deal
with him today.
Oh, drop two menus
at table three. I got him.
You're a trooper.
-Hiya, Joe.
-It's warm in here.
-I'm warm. Turn the air on.
-I'll tell Cal, hon.
They keep all my businesses
too warm.
My gas station. My supermarket.
My laundromat. My diner.
I will not tolerate it
being too damn warm.
I hear you, Joe.
Okay listen up.
Today I want the special
Betrayed By My E--
Betrayed By My Eggs pie?
And a tomato on the side
on its own plate.
-That everything?
-No, I also want orange juice.
But don't bring that first.
Bring the water first.
Bring the OJ with the meal.
Now listen to my horoscope
before you skadoodle away.
"Aquarius. Smooth sailing today
as Mars enters
your inner circle."
Whatever the hell that means.
Oh! "The ones you love
will listen carefully
to you today,
so make sure you're careful
with what you say."
I don't have ones I love.
You want to hear yours?
I'm Aquarius too, hon.
And I don't have ones
I love either.
Just ones I live with.
You got something in the oven
other than a pie?
What?
You got a bun in the oven?
-Shh, quiet.
-Yeah, I've seen that look
on a woman before.
Her name was Annette.
I made sweet love to her
all through the summer of 1948.
She got that same sick look
on her face like you had
all through the fall.
Almost married her right up.
She lost the baby, though.
[laughs] Close call.
When you due?
Hey, Joe, I don't want Cal
to hear you.
Ooh, look here,
the National Pie Bake Off
is in Springfield this year.
Last year's winner,
Eunice Kevesdy,
spent her prize money on an RV
with a convection oven.
You should enter.
Oh come on, Joe.
My pies are good,
but I'm no Sara Lee.
Prize money's $20,000.
Sugar
Sugar, butter, flour
Jumping Without A Net
Bottomless pie.
Ah!
Pillows of the softest meringue
topped with ribbons
of strawberry cream.
-No crust.
-[camera clicks]
Getting Out Of The Mud mud pie.
Generous scoops of mocha
almond ice cream...
-Uh, hello.
-...topped with bittersweet
chocolate morsels...
-Mrs. Hunterson?
-...and slivered almonds.
-Mrs. Hunterson?
-Dr. Pomatter.
-Hi.
-Hi.
What are you doing here?
My car wouldn't start
this morning.
I took the bus.
Forgot how much I love buses.
Do you always take the bus?
Tuesday nights my husband goes
out drinking with the boys.
Oh, nice. For him.
That you let him.
Yeah. [laughs]
I love Tuesdays.
Where do you live?
Stanton Grove.
Oh, gosh, it's nice over there.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, sure, if you like trees.
You know.
No, I mean,
who doesn't like trees?
You mind if I sit down?
No, not at all.
[crickets chirping]
-So, you're a waitress?
-Yeah, I'm a waitress.
Ah. Where do you work?
A little place
off of Highway 27.
Joe's Pie Diner.
We serve 27 different
varieties of pie.
Wow. That sounds like
a virtual pie factory.
No, I make all the pies
fresh every morning.
Breakfast pies and lunch pies
and a special new pie
I invent every day.
Wait, did you make
that marshmallow pie
that you gave me?
Yes, I did.
Mermaid Marshmallow.
I invented it with my mom
when I was nine years old.
In my mermaid phase.
That was probably the best pie
that I have tasted
in my entire life.
[laughs] You tried it?
[gasps] Well, I won't tell
your doctor.
No. No, seriously.
It was biblically good.
This is how good that was.
That pie could win contests
and ribbons and things.
What a thing to say.
I am so sorry.
That was a compliment.
No, I know.
That's why it made me
uncomfortable.
Oh, God. No, you're blushing.
Nope, nope,
shouldn't have said that.
No, you know, it's kinda funny.
[upbeat music]
It's just seeing you
sitting here in your uniform.
You remind me of a girl
I once knew
God by now,
She's well in middle age
Probably 41 or 42
Thank you.
Oh, my God. No, no, no.
She was a waitress.
At a shop I used
To frequent quite a lot
Nice teeth And small hands
And snuck me goodies
I couldn't afford then
She was sweet to me
Reminds me of you
oh, nobody ever really
notices me that way.
Somebody did, right?
No, because you've got the whole
baby thing going on.
She'd bake the pies
Fresh every day
Like you, I guess,
But I must say
If pies were books
Yours would be
Shakespeare's letters
You remind me of her,
But better
It only takes a taste
When it's something special
It only takes a taste
When you know it's good
Sometimes one bite
Is more than enough
To know you want more
Of the thing you just got
A taste of
That reminds me
Of a thing we would say
Me and my mama
In the kitchen
When we'd bake
She'd say, "Jenna
You can tell the whole
story With a taste"
Yeah, no,
That's exactly what I mean
I swear that as the flavors
Mixed and melted
I could hear the sirens
sing
It was truly something
special One taste
And I want the whole thing
I must say
It felt like
I got carried away
Intoxicated
Made me escape
The room I was in
I can't help but wonder
How your hands
Must have felt
Creating
Such a masterful thing
Just one bite
Caused all that
Wondering?
It only takes a taste
It only takes a taste
When you know it's good
Sometimes one bite
Is more than enough
To know you want more
Of the thing you just got
A taste of
-[bus pulls up]
-Oh, there's my bus.
[chuckles]
it was nice talking
with you, Dr. Pomatter.
Yeah, Jenna,
give me a call anytime.
I'm here.
For all your questions
and concerns.
Good to know, Dr. Pomatter.
-[music continues]
-[applause]
[toolbox slams]
Earl, hey. It's Tuesday night.
What are you doing home
so early?
Well thanks to
my assh*le foreman
it looks like you are gonna
be seeing me home a lot.
[laughs] This dude says I'm late
one too many times and...
fires me.
But I told him
you can take this toolbox
and shove it up your ass
'cause I don't even want
this g*dd*mn job.
Then--
then he calls me arrogant!
Me? Arrogant?
No, see, now that loser
has been waiting
to stick it to me
since high school.
-Earl, I'm sorry.
-Don't feel sorry for me.
Don't feel sorry for me.
I am fine!
I am celebrating.
Well...
looks like you the one
that's gonna be
paying the bills
around here now.
How'd we do today?
What, are you sh1tting me?
-That can't be all you earned.
-It was a slow day.
Maybe you need to move
a little faster.
Where's my kiss?
No, come here.
Kiss me like you mean it.
Oh, Earl, I'm sorry.
I'm not feeling so good today.
Well, you feel all right to me.
Come on, baby.
Take my bad day away.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Let me get you something to eat.
Oh, I've brought
some leftovers from work.
Chicken pot pie.
You think I don't see
what you're doing?
Do you think that I am stupid?
-No.
-No?
No, Earl.
I know you had a hard day.
I thought maybe some warm pie
would make you--
-I'm not f*ckin' hungry!
-Earl, calm down.
Calm down? I'll show you calm.
Earl!
I'm pregnant!
What?
Well, when-- when the hell
were you gonna tell me?
Well, I--
I know you've were under
a lot of pressure.
And I was waiting
for the right time.
Well, you have great timing!
I'm sorry. Earl, I'm sorry.
No wonder you've been looking
so tired all the time.
Huh.
Hey, come here.
Oh, my God.
Come here.
Come here. Come sit down here.
Careful.
Oh, you--
you little butterball!
[laughs]
Well, how do you like that?
I'm-- I'm gonna have a baby?
Little Earl Junior.
The legend lives on!
Wait a minute.
What happens if you decide
to love the baby
more than you love me?
Hey, listen, women do it now.
They do it all the time.
They have a baby
and then it's just to hell
with the man.
You're jealous of the baby?
No. I don't get jealous.
That is below me.
I'm just talking it out.
I'm talking out my feelings.
Maybe I just need you
to make me a little promise
that you won't go loving
that baby more than you love me.
-Okay.
-Yeah, but you say I promise.
-Earl, I said okay.
-Hey.
Hey.
I need this from you.
It's you and me first, right?
That's the way it's always been.
[rock guitar music]
Remember my clean shave
Back in our old days
When we were just kids
I had my six-string
And you had Your own thing
Though I don't remember
What it is
I wrote you love songs
And you liked that sad one
So I played it all the time
What was that one line?
Something about sunshine
I sang it every night
Where the sun don't shine
No, that is not how
that song went.
When the sun won't shine
That's not it either.
What was it, baby?
Till the sun don't shine
You will still be mine
That's right.
Man what a whirlwind
And so much is happening
And mostly to me
Yeah
We've come such a long way
No turning back now, babe
You're my family
Now promise me.
Till the end of time
These are ties that bind
Come on, sing it, honey.
Till the sun don't shine
You will still be mine
[music continues]
[applause]
[music ends]
Honey, is it my imagination
or is my left boob drooping
down even lower today?
Oh, Lord.
I'm starting to feel like
something Picasso woulda made.
How'd you do?
Between Mr. Frugalman
on table five
and "Hey,
I'll Get You Next Time"
on table seven,
not great.
Thinking about picking up
some extra shifts.
Are you crazy?
You work hard enough already.
Oh, what is this
doing next to the cinnamon?
-Oh, I was looking for that.
-Uh-huh.
You can't write your baby
a letter from the spice rack.
-I'm not much
of a letter writer.
-Are you okay?
[Dawn whimpering]
I'm having
a small anxiety att*ck.
I got a message on my profile.
Girl, you've been sitting
on this news all day?
He calls himself
OKCWithABullet, 32.
Has all his hair, kind smile,
loves poetry, Pavarotti
and puzzles.
-He sounds perfect!
-Look at you.
They're already lining up.
Take a number.
Yeah. [laughs]
Oh, dear, it's happening.
[laughs]
It's really happening.
I made a five-minute date
with him tonight.
[both] Five minutes?
Well, this way
if it's a disaster
I can get back in time
for History's Mysteries.
Okay, now, Dawn,
you are such a natural beauty,
but 'cause it's such
a special occasion,
would you let me put just
a tad of makeup on you
and perhaps...
pull that pony down...
just for one night?
Well, it is important
-to make a good
first impression.
-[squeals]
Jenna, may I ask you to make
your Meet Your Dream Chocolate
Cream pie to take to him?
I will make you
a really special one.
One like my mama used to.
You wouldn't think all
the ingredients would go
together, but they do.
What's going to be in it?
I'm going to switch
the chocolate...
from bittersweet
to creamy milk...
and add a touch
of passion fruit.
Oh, my God!
[laughs]
And then I'll mix in
something that will make
the impossible possible.
Some exotic spice
that will make you see clearly
before it's too late.
What is going on with you, girl?
You know that pie contest
that's coming to Springfield?
Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna find a way
to save some money to go
there and enter it.
Now that's the first thing
you've said that's made any
sense in a very long time.
And if a miracle happens
and I win it,
I'm gonna take that prize money
and I'm gonna...
You're gonna leave Earl.
Yeah.
And just run away from here.
Wow.
Honey, you can leave Earl
without running away from here.
It's not that easy.
Well, all right.
You go ahead.
Get yourself a little pie shop
somewhere.
Somewhere people could really
use a little pie shop.
Like Europe.
Or New Jersey.
Jenna's Pie Palace.
Jenna's Pastry Heaven.
Jenna's Pie In The Sky.
Sugar
Come on, honey.
We're not playing.
Sugar, butter
-Flour
-[blows]
Sometimes I still see her
My mother the dreamer
She'd say nothing's
Impossible child
A dream needs believing
To taste like the real
thing
Like some stranger
You recognize
So pure
So pure, so electric
So sure
So sure, so connected
To those little believers
Inside
May we all be
So lucky
But dreams are elusive
The kind
We've gotten used to
Is nothing I can feel
-Nothing I can hold
-Nothing I can have
Nothing that I know
Dreams come and they go
But hold them
And keep them
But hold them
And keep them
And know that you need them
And know that
You need them
When your breaking point's
All that
You have
A dream is a soft place
To land
May we all be
So lucky
[gasps]
Oh, look what you did.
You made me almost pretty.
Almost pretty? You're beautiful.
What the hell
did y'all put in that pie?
I gonna leave before I die
of estrogen asphyxiation.
Don't forget to turn out
the lights.
[clicks]
[chuckles]
Who are you
putting on lipstick for?
You dolling up
for the diaper change?
[laughs] Well...
maybe I got a little secret.
-Maybe I'm doing
a little dreaming, too.
-What?
-I can't tell you yet.
-Why not?
Bye-bye, Dawn.
Now don't do anything
I haven't done.
Get yourself
a five-minute condom.
-Becky!
-[laughs]
Adios, ladies.
[laughing]
You are the queen of
kindness and goodness.
May we all be
So lucky
[music picks up]
[applause]
[crashes]
Hiya, handsome. What'll it be?
Oh, you're so lovely,
but no, I don't want you
as my waitress.
No. I want her.
I want that lady right there.
I'm so sorry, hon,
but you're sitting
in my station.
But I don't want you.
I want her.
Well, I do like a man
who knows what he wants.
Is she a good friend of yours?
What can you tell me about her?
What are her likes
and her dislikes?
And does she have
any food allergies
or pollen sensitivities?
Excuse me, darling.
I'm gonna go talk to Dawn
for a minute,
see if she won't
tell you herself.
That would be wonderful.
-I thought you'd like that.
-I do. I do.
Dawn!
There is a man at table five
on a mission with your name
on it.
His name is Ogie.
Short for Oklahoma.
He's OKCwithaBullet!
Ahh!
He's an amateur magician,
does competitive clog dancing
and only eats white food
on Wednesdays.
-He told me we were soulmates.
-Girl!
I made the mistake
of telling him I work here.
Oh, I don't know, Dawn.
I think it sounds like
he's got potential.
He took me through
the entire medical
and psychiatric history
of his whole family.
Oh, he's laying it
all on the table.
I just wanted
a quiet first date.
Stimulating conversation.
First man who ever shows
any interest in me
and he turns out to be
a mad, clogging elf.
-[slams]
-[gasps]
I'm telling you, Jenna,
that magic love pie
was too good.
I should never
have brought it with me.
I don't think
it was the pie, Dawn.
I think it was you.
-Come with me.
-I would, but I gotta go pee.
Is anyone gonna take
the elf's order?
Would you shut up, Cal?
That happens to be
OKCwithaBullet!
Cue DawnRising.
-No.
-[whispering]
-Okay, just open
this up a little bit.
-Becky, no!
Hello, good morning. Hello.
I told you I didn't want
to see you again.
May I take your order?
I'll have an egg white omelet
with cottage cheese
and a side of mayonnaise.
I have very exquisite taste.
What kind of toast with that?
White or wheat?
Why am I even asking?
It's Wednesday!
You see? We already know
each other so intimately.
-[bell rings]
-You don't know me.
I do.
You're NewDawnRising.
Easily misunderstood,
but I see your true beauty.
Normally I wouldn't do this.
Actually, I've never done this.
But that five minutes,
it felt like a whole 15
and I am certain we're meant
to be together.
I don't even know you.
I'm a tax auditor.
I drive a very nice
subcompact Toyota Yaris.
And I love my mother.
What else do you need
to know about me?
Your dessert order.
I'll have a slice
of the White Knuckle Cream Pie.
With or without whipped cream?
You choose.
I trust you implicitly.
But if you do choose
to have whipped cream,
I would love it on the side,
not touching the pie.
I hate it when it
touches the pie.
No, it soggies the crust.
Yeah, and you can't control
the whipped cream...
[both] ...to pie ratio
to create the perfect bite.
[snort laughs]
Oh, there's that laugh.
That intoxicating laugh.
[gasps] Dawn, you inspire
poetry in me.
[moans] I'm making one up.
I'm making one up here
right here on the spot
and here it comes.
All of my life
I've loved turtles.
And you, Dawn, are the queen.
Da, da, da, da, da.
Da, da, da, da, da.
And something in between.
I'm gonna work on
the middle section.
I am. You like that one,
don't you, Dawn?
Please just take your mixed
bouquet and leave.
-Just leave!
-Dawn.
I will never
Let you let me leave
I promise I'm not lying
Go ahead ask anybody
Who has seen me trying
I'm not going
If it seems like I did I'm
probably waiting outside
Such a stubborn man
You'll likely never
Meet another
When we have our family
dinner You can ask my mother
She's the best
You'll learn more about her
On our family history test
I'm gonna do this right
Show you I'm not moving
Wherever you go
I won't be far to follow
Oh, gonna love you so
You'll learn what
I already know
I love you means
You're never ever ever
Getting rid of me
You can try
Oh, but I
I love you means
You're never ever ever
Getting rid of me
-Ready for your check?
-Not quite!
Pie for--
-pie for everybody!
-[cheers]
I grew up an only child
In a suburb of the city
Spent my days alone my only
Friend was a stray kitty
-Called Sardine
-Sardine
I thought it was hilarious
To call a cat a kind of fish
She played hard to get
Hissing while
She scratched me
What she was trying to say
Was "Ogie, come and catch me
I learned quickly
That her perseverance
Stood between a cat
And her New best friend me
Oh, I'm gonna
Do this right
Show you I'm not moving
Wherever you go
I won't be far to follow
Oh, gonna love you so
You'll learn what
I already know
I love you means
You're never ever ever
Getting rid of me
When you say never...
You can try
Oh, but I
I love you means
blah, blah, yip, yap.
Get back to work!
Oh
You can try
Oh, but I
I love you means
You're never ever ever
Getting rid of me
-[music ends]
-[applause]
You can try
Oh, but I
I love you means
You're never ever ever
Getting rid of me
[applause]
[inhales]
[wheezing]
[coughs]
[inhales]
So I'll pick you up
Sunday at seven?
Maybe?
Maybe!
There's a reading
at Rainard Park
of the Federalist Papers.
How'd you know about that?
I played Paul Revere
in 42 Revolutionary w*r
reenactments.
40 times technically I was
the standby Revere,
but two times the Paul was out,
I went on.
And I played it.
[laughs] I did, I played it.
I got injured once, through.
I had a bayonet issue.
And it was real, real bad
and I fell off my horse
and my spleen was removed.
So it's--
One if by land, two if by sea.
And I, on the opposite shore,
will be.
[both sigh]
[marching drumbeat]
[applause]
The elf and the turtle.
An epic romance.
Sugar
It Almost Makes You
Believe Again pie.
Reach for an ingredient
long forgotten
in the back of your cupboard.
Like poppy seeds.
Something you bought
but forgot you had.
-Throw in gingersnaps...
-[snaps fingers]
...and tapioca
till they combine unexpectedly.
And mix it with all
your questions and concerns.
-[bell dings]
-Hi. Is Dr. Pomatter there?
Jenna Hunterson.
I'm his patient.
-[Cal rings bell]
-Hey.
Hi, Dr. Pomatter.
Listen, I'm sure it's nothing,
but you said to call with
any questions or concerns.
This morning, um,
I'm bleeding a little bit.
No. No. It's very very light.
Come in to see you?
Tomorrow morning?
You're open at 7:00 AM?
Excuse me,
but I've got a short stack
of perfectly round
meticulously made, once warm,
buttermilk blueberry pancakes
to take to table six
because even though I'm pregnant
I'm working, Dr. Pomfritter!
Hey, listen, Doc,
while I've got you on the line,
between you and me,
I have a bit of a gas issue.
Yeah, I tried that.
Made it worse.
It cleared the room.
-[knocks]
-Yes. Yes.
-Hello? Hi.
-Hi. Hi.
-Where is everybody?
-No one's here yet.
I came in a little early
to see you.
Oh. OKay.
Oh, here. I brought you
some Believe Again
Poppy Seed Pocket pies.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
Um, so, you know,
we spoke on the phone
and you said that
the bleeding was very mild?
-Yes.
-Has that stopped?
Yeah. I only saw it
the one time.
Oh, good. You're fine.
Oh, my God!
Well, aren't you
going to examine me?
No. No.
No need.
This is unbelievably delicious.
I mean, delicious is not
even a good enough word
for what it is.
What you do with food,
it is unearthly.
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
Then am I okay?
I mean, there's nothing's
wrong with me?
Oh, God, no, no, no.
Nothing's wrong with you.
Look, light spotting
is a perfectly
normal symptom
in early pregnancy.
Holy sh*t.
Is that everything
you have to say?
-No.
-Well, what?
Nothing.
[clears throat]
You can-- you can go.
I'm just gonna--
I'm gonna go ahead
and I'm gonna see you
at your next regularly
scheduled appointment.
Don't hesitate to call
if you have any--
-Questions or concerns.
-Any and all.
Wait, wait, wait.
Why did you have me come
all the way here
if spotting
is a perfectly normal symptom
in early pregnancy?
I had to get up early
and take a bus and walk
five blocks
just to hear that spotting
is a perfectly normal symptom?
I have no response to that.
What time does this office
normally open, Doctor?
-8:30?
-9:00.
9:00? You came in here
two hours early
to tell me that spotting
is a perfectly normal symptom
in early pregnancy?
It seems that way, yes.
-Goodbye, Dr. Pomatter.
-Bye, Jenna.
You know what?
I think you're strange.
And I'm not sure I want you
to be my doctor anymore.
-You make me uncomfortable.
-No, Jenna, no. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I will not do it anymore.
Look, whatever it is that I do,
you should not be uncomfortable
during this time.
-You're doing it again!
-Wait, what did I do?
I don't know, you know,
it's the nice guy
talky thing you do.
You just-- forget it.
Jen--
Uh, Jenna, you forgot your--
[applause]
-Oh, sh*t!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!
-What do you want?
-I want to see you again.
I want to talk to you
somewhere outside of here.
Can we have coffee together
or something?
I can't have coffee.
It's on the bad food list
you gave me.
What kind of doctor are you?
[upbeat music]
It's a bad idea Me and you
Yeah, no, I totally agree.
It's a bad idea Me and you
And I have never known
Anything so true
It's a terrible idea
Me and you
You have a wife
And you have a husband
You're my doctor
You've got a baby coming
It's a bad idea Me and you
Let's just keep kissing
Till we come to
Heart stop racing,
Let's face it
Making mistakes Like this
Will make worse what
Was all ready pretty bad
Mind stop running
It's time we just
Let this thing go
It was a pretty good
Bad idea
Wasn't it, though?
It's a bad idea Me and you
It's a bad idea Me and you
Hold me close
While I think this through
Yeah, it's a very poor idea
Me and you
Heart stop racing,
Let's face it
Making mistakes like this
Will make worse what was
Already pretty bad
Mind stop running
It's time we just
Let this thing go
It was a pretty good
Bad idea
Wasn't it, though?
I know
What's right for me
It's the only thing
-I've ever done
-I've ever done
What if I never see myself
Ever be
Anything more than what
I've already become
I need a bad idea
I need a bad idea
I need a bad idea
I need a bad idea
Just one
Heart keep racing,
Let's make mistakes
Let us say so what
And make worse what was
Already pretty bad
This secret is safe
No reason To throw it away
When there's love
To be had
Hold me tight
As I tell myself
That you might make sense
And make good what
Has been just so bad
Let's see this through
It's a pretty good
Bad idea
-Me and you
-Me and you
[applause]
-[music ends]
-[applause]
[upbeat music]
Sugar
Sugar
I Wanna Play Doctor
With My Gynecologist pie.
[laughs] Vanilla custard.
Drizzled with warm
melted caramel.
And nuts.
Totally nuts.
Topped with honey-kissed
whipped cream and banana.
Hold the banana.
-Wake the hell up!
-[alarm bell rings]
I Can't Have An Affair
Because It's Wrong
and I Don't Want Earl
to k*ll Me pie.
Add cold water
to chocolate stirrups.
I mean syrup.
Pour into a truly flakey crust.
Don't over bake,
could explode at any minute.
[tray crashes]
Oh, my God!
I didn't see anything.
I just need to find a place
to throw up.
Look, Jenna, it just happened.
Cal? Cal?
Well, he's got such
nice strong hands.
All right, I wasn't looking
for it, it was an accident.
An affair is not an accident.
Dropping a tray is an accident.
Cal didn't just trip
into your va-jay-jay.
What?
[applause]
Look, I'm just having me
a little adventure
after years and years
of lots of nothing.
It was getting so quiet down
there you could hear an echo.
What about your husband?
My husband wears Pampers,
curses constantly,
and sleeps in a separate room.
Well, why don't you
just leave him, Becky?
Because I love him.
I wouldn't leave him
just 'cause I have to change
his diaper three times a day.
What kind of person
would do that?
Well, what kind of person
has an affair with Cal
who's married to Ethel?
Well, Cal thinks she's gay.
Look, they ain't slept
together in 15 years.
Most married couples haven't
slept together in 15 years.
But we know Ethel
and she's not...
-She could be.
-Mm-hmm.
But if he thinks she's gay,
why don't they just divorce?
Because he loves her.
What kind of man
would leave his wife
just 'cause she's gay?
-She--
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Now you're supposed to be
my friend, not Ethel's.
And I didn't say nothing
about your early morning
visit to the doc
when you came back
with your dress on inside out
'cause you were too busy
putting the pap back in smear.
Okay, that was one time
and I was not in my right mind.
-I put the lid on it.
-Of course you did.
What's that supposed to mean.
Just go back
to your pantry, Jenna.
Bake yourself another
Bury The Bullshit pie.
Well, you got me
all figured out, don't you?
You got everything
all figured out.
It's the world
according to Becky.
Go ahead,
Throw your rocks at me
From your little glass
house And then take off running
You're no better than me
We've both made mistakes,
Haven't we?
I won't undo
What I'm doing
To sit in judgment
Of what makes us human
I don't claim
To be proud but
My head won't be hung
In shame
I didn't plan it
But the light turned red
And I ran it
And I'm still standing
It's not what I wanted But
now that it's right here
I understand it
A story written
By my own hand
It's life biting
Right at your heels
I didn't plan it
But it's finally
Something to feel
Becky, I can't go there.
Honey, we're already there.
Look around you
Ain't no saints here, baby
We're all just looking
For a little less crazy
And sometimes
It's a hard left turn
Down a road you never
Thought you'd see
I didn't plan it
Taking back what's been
Taken for granted
And I can't stand it
I'm sick of the way I've
been Waiting to break free
I needed saving
And a good mistake
Needed making
Maybe you need
The same thing
Oh, something to feel
To race through your blood
And remind you you're here
To open your eyes
And look around
And see the sky
When you're underground
I didn't plan it
But that's life
And I'm finally
Feeling alive
It's not right
But it's mine
And it's finally
Something to feel
[applause]
[upbeat music]
-Hello, Mrs. Hunterson.
-Hello, Doctor Pomatter.
-How have you been feeling?
-Fine.
Oh, how nice, you brought a pie.
What kind is it?
A Little Wild, Wild Berry pie.
-Oh, well, thank you.
-No, thank you. Thank you,
Nurse Norma.
I'm gonna take
Mrs. Hunterson's blood.
I need you to go
and reweigh Mrs. Morrissey.
-But I already did that.
-Can you please? Please!
It's important.
It's like it's crucial.
She's coming, Mrs. Morrisey!
Don't worry!
I don't know what the hell
this man talking about.
Ain't nothing
but a country club doctor.
-Don't do that again.
-What? Bring a pie?
No, not that.
Of course not that.
I meant go away for a full
month and not call me.
Well, I didn't have
any questions or concerns.
Well, don't do that.
This is craziness, Dr. Pomatter.
Can you please call me Jim?
No!
I won't.
Okay. Don't.
You know?
Dr. Pomatter is fine.
I guess we're just officially
forgetting
everything that happened
between us then.
Yes. We officially are.
Jenna, I got to
apologize for it.
No, no, no, no.
I almost called you
just to apologize.
I just want you to know that
it's never gonna happen again.
All right? From now on
our relationship,
it's a strictly medical,
professional one.
Jenna, no!
Not with the door open.
Oh!
[applause]
Mrs. Morrissey still weigh
142 pounds.
Thank you, Nurse Norma.
Mrs. Hunterson, are you
still taking
your pre-natal vitamins
every day?
-Oh, faithfully.
-Faithfully, my ass.
[applause]
Well, good. I'd like you
to come back again tomorrow.
-Tomorrow?
-Yes. Are we on
the same page now?
-We're on the same page.
-We're all on the same page.
[upbeat music]
Hearts keep racing
There is no mistaking
We can't come back
From this
Good 'cause I want more
Of what I had
-It feels so good to
-Feels so good
To be bad To be bad
[moans]
I'm very pleased with
your progress, Mrs. Hunterson.
Thank you, Doctor.
[music continues]
Pineapple Upside Down pie.
[music continues]
Your hormone levels are rising
beautifully, Mrs. Hunterson.
[music continues]
In the Dark Dark Chocolate pie.
[music continues]
[applause]
Take this bad idea
And walk this wire
Throw your spark
Into oil and fire
Chance won't come
Every single day
So don't throw it away
Don't throw it away
We might burn,
But we might get saved
I don't feel much fire
At all these days
Feels so good to
Feels so good To be bad
The British are coming!
-[music ends]
-[applause]
[music continues]
[bell rings]
Heya, Joe. How are you today?
Same bastard
as yesterday, Jenna.
The question is how are you?
Same train wreck.
And how's the charming husband?
-Charming as ever.
-Right.
And the lipstick smudger?
-What?
-Oh, you know,
the dog on the side? The affair.
Okay, I'm--
I'm not having
an "affair" affair.
-It's just a--
-An affair.
Your lipstick's all smudged
like someone gave you
a good one.
When you're done wiping away
your indiscretions,
-you wanna hear your horoscope?
-No.
"Aquarius. Even if you have
a miserable snake husband,
you probably shouldn't
be having no affair,
'cause it's beneath you
and could make you seem
like a common...
hussy.
Not to mention the pain
you could cause
to other people."
This afternoon
I will have the Singing
Tuney Fish Casserole,
no pickle on the plate.
Well-done Frenchie fries.
On their own plate.
And Jenna's
Devil's Food Oasis pie.
That's the one you should bake
for that contest
so you can win that money
and leave your husband
fair and square
and smudge your lipstick
with whomever the hell you want.
Joe you really think that pie
is good enough to win?
Oh, that pie
is a thing of beauty.
How each flavor
opens itself, one by one,
-like a chapter in a book.
-[bell rings]
First you get flooded
with chocolate,
dark and bittersweet
like an old flame.
And then strawberry,
the way strawberry
was always supposed to taste
but never knew how.
In fact, you know what?
Forget all the other stuff
I ordered.
Just bring me the damn pie.
What are you waiting for?
I don't believe for one second
that you're as mean as you play.
You tip me better than anyone.
If you're noticing I'm having
a hard time walking today,
Keep it between us.
[laughs]
This is really heating up.
He is so passionate.
You wouldn't know
it to look at him,
but he is a sexual dynamo.
No, you wouldn't know it.
Well, he's amorous
yet clean and well organized.
And when he recites
his spontaneous poetry,
well... [snort laughs]
I'm multi-orgasmic.
I had no idea!
No, I didn't either
and believe me
it's something I did not need
to know.
Order up.
Perhaps you could take
some pointers, Cal.
Perhaps you
could take this slice
of Twisted Kentucky Pecan
pie to table five.
I didn't realize
it was hot and ready.
Girl, it's been hot all morning.
[intense guitar riff]
Hey, buddy.
I'm waiting on Dawn.
She's meeting my mother tonight.
I'm taking them to Stanton
Grove for the steak dinner.
It's getting serious.
Real, real serious.
Come on man, you got this.
-Ooh.
-Hey.
Breathe.
[inhales]
Dawn Pinkett!
Ogie?
Every day I think of you,
I think yes.
Oh, he's making me a poem
right here.
We hold these truths
to be self-evident.
Yes. I am more
than he who audits.
I am poetry and sex
and I'm living a dream. Love.
Yes. Uh...
uh-huh. Yes.
Oh, my God.
Will you bus my tables
so I can...
[both] Yes!
Oh, thank you. You know, Jenna,
I must admit
I don't really feel
I understood the Declaration
of Independence until now.
Life, liberty...
And the Pursuit
of Happiness pie.
Sugar
Sugar, butter, flour
Meld warm
Golden Delicious apples
with free flowing brown sugar.
Mix with cinnamon and allspice.
Fold in cocoa chiffon...
until they merge
together perfectly.
Top with peaks of everlasting
Chantilly cream.
-Missus...
-Hunterson?
And dust gently
with powdered sugar.
Mrs. Hunterson?
And garnish with rose petals.
Mrs. Hunterson!
Doctor Pomatter and his wife
had to fly back east
for a funeral this morning.
Oh, he flew back east
with his wife?
Yes.
So guess who's gonna examine
your cha-cha today?
Me.
[laughs]
I'm just kidding.
You look like sh*t, girl.
You feeling okay?
Yeah. I'm fine. I'm just--
you know, the baby.
Of course.
How's it working out
with Doctor Pomatter?
Oh, he's very professional.
Isn't he?
Such a lovely bedside manner.
Is that pie for me?
-I guess.
-Looks so yummy.
What kind is it?
The Pursuit of Happiness pie.
We could all use
a slice of that.
Ah.
Heartbeat strong and steady.
Here, take a listen.
[heart b*ating]
Dear baby...
[soft piano music]
Let me begin
by saying I'm sorry.
Don't take it personally, baby,
if I don't seem like
all the other mamas
jumping all over
themselves with joy.
I wish I could feel excitement
that you're with me now.
Or faith
that I'd be a good mama.
Even if my life is a mess.
And the world, as I see it,
isn't so pretty
like they'd have you believe
in that baby book.
I frankly don't know what
I've got to give you, baby.
What if I don't win that contest
and don't have no money
and I can't leave Earl?
What the hell am I gonna
do with you then?
Some days I think I should
just give you
to a nice family who could
give you what I can't.
I wish I could just run away.
What kind of mama is that?
[Jim] Jenna.
What are you doing here?
You can't just come here.
I had to see you.
It's been weeks.
I can't take this
not knowing how you are.
-Dr. Pomatter,
we have to end this.
-Why?
Because I've been thinking a lot
while you were away
with your wife
and I can't live with myself.
But, Jenna, I'm not gonna
have a conversation about
how crazy this is,
about how bad my judgment is,
about how sorry I am.
I'd be lying.
Don't say anything else.
Don't talk me out of it.
Just go.
I don't know how to do this.
I haven't felt
anything like this.
I haven't felt
in a very long time.
Neither have I.
So what now?
Maybe you can teach me
how to make a pie.
-Seriously?
-Yeah, seriously.
Okay. Sure, I could do that.
Okay, I brought you something.
It's a--
it's a present.
-For me?
-Yeah. For you.
Open it.
Oh, my God.
I had your name
engraved on the back.
Oh, wow.
It's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.
It's deep dish.
Non-stick.
Thank you.
I have some gorgeous
blackberries.
-I love blackberries.
I love them.
-Okay.
Okay, we're gonna make one
my mama used to call
Lonely Chicago pie.
-Mm-hmm.
-[chuckles]
She had hundreds
of different kinds
and they all had
real strange names.
Like mama, like daughter.
[soft music]
Yeah.
She had...
such dreams for me.
She'd be so sad to see
how my life turned out.
Maybe I'm talking too much.
No.
Mama used to keep me
in the kitchen when
Daddy was in one of his moods.
And she'd teach me
everything about baking.
We'd sing
this little song together.
Let's make a new one, Mama
What do you say?
I love it when you let me
Pick out the name
Sugar
And butter
And flour
And mother
What the hell
are you doing here?
I'm learning how to make
Lonely Chicago pie.
No, I mean here.
Living in this town.
My wife is--
she's doing her residency.
We came here because of her.
Are you happy with her?
No, don't--
don't answer that.
I--
I'm not used to happy.
I tend to be neurotic.
You calm me down.
[soft music]
You make me feel...
peaceful and even needed.
You are so beautiful.
I don't know who
you're talking about.
I could find
The whole meaning of life
In those sad eyes
They've seen things
That you never quite say
But I hear
Come out of hiding
I'm right here beside you
And I'll stay there
As long as you'll let me
Because you
Matter to me
Simple and plain
And not much to ask
From somebody
You matter to me
I promise you do
You matter, too
I promise you do
You'll see
You matter to me
It's addictive the minute
You let yourself think
The things that I say
Just might matter
To someone
All of this time
I've been keeping my mind
On the running away
And for the first time
I think
I'd consider the stay
Dear, baby.
I hope someday
somebody wants to hold you
for 20 minutes straight.
They don't pull away,
they don't look at your face,
they don't try to kiss you.
All they do is wrap you up
in their arms
and hold on tight without
an ounce of selfishness to it.
I hope you
become addicted, baby.
I hope you become addicted
to saying things
and having them
matter to someone.
You matter to me
Simple and plain
And not much to ask
From somebody
You matter to me
-I promise you do
-Come out of hiding
-I'm right here beside you
-You matter, too
-As long As you'll have me
-I promise you do
-I do
-You matter, too
You matter to me
You'll see
You matter to me
[applause]
[Revolutionary w*r
marching music]
Dearly Beloved,
we are gathered here today
to celebrate the union
of Ogie Herbert Eincorn
and Dawn Louise Pinkett,
-to join them together--
-[babbling]
-To join them--
-[babbling]
Wedding poetry happening
right here, right now.
Your white dress
Sparks words spontaneous
I'll sing
From mountain tops
I am in love, love, love
And I don't care
Who knows it
Lucky me
I was ordinary
But with your love you see
I am
A poh-oh-oh-oh-oem writer
I will express this
If I am able
I love you like a table
My legs
Were carved for you
I love you like a table
I am wood And you are glue
Cover me with stuff
I will hold it up
Strong and stable
I love you like a table
I love you, too
And I wanted to try
And surprise you
I've written 29 new drafts
Of vows that didn't rhyme
30 was a drum line
-Whoo!
-[drumming]
Hey!
-[bell rings]
-Hey!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Promise to as best we can
Say I do And tell you that
When I see you
I want to again
[cheering]
The wedding pie, y'all!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
What do you call it, Jenna?
Big old slice
of Live Your Life pie.
[clapping]
Boy, Jenna, you've really
outdone yourself this time.
Now I'm gonna be betting
on you to win that contest
next week.
Thanks for letting me go, Cal.
Yeah. I'm not such
a bad guy, maybe.
Yeah, you're not such
a bad guy, maybe.
-Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!
-[giggling]
No, no, no, no, no!
[both laughing]
Look at them.
Happiest day of their lives.
They have no idea the ride
they're in for.
Hey, Cal, can I ask
you a question?
sh**t.
Are you happy?
I mean, would you call
yourself a happy man?
You asking a serious question,
I'll tell you.
I'm happy enough.
I don't give much,
I don't get much,
but I do try to enjoy
whatever comes up.
That's my truth,
summed up
for your feminine judgment.
I'm happy enough.
May I have this dance?
[laughs]
Here, I had some
big spenders yesterday.
Stash this in the pot
towards your entry fee.
No, Becky,
I can't take your money.
Not with what you're dealing
with at home.
Uh-uh. Come on, just this once.
Let me feel a little
philanthropopical now.
I don't want you to worry
about nothing
but baking yourself
a better life.
All right now?
When you win that contest,
you think you're gonna
get one of them big
giant checks that are
the size of a door?
Always wondered
how you cash one of those.
[laughs]
Maybe we should have an affair.
Uh-uh. No ma'am.
This ain't no affair.
I'm in this for life, okay?
[clapping]
Okay, scoot. Vamoose. Skadoodle.
This reminds me
of my third wedding
to Sara Cherie Caputo.
Now she was a screamer.
-Joe!
-I was just trying to point
out her good qualities.
Oh, man, she was nasty.
I'm gonna invent
a special pie for you
called Old Joe's Horny Past pie.
You should enter
that one in that contest.
Wake those old biddies up.
Maybe I'll just bake it for you.
That'd have to wait.
My doctor says
I shouldn't be eating
all this sweet stuff.
My liver's acting up.
I got to have a piece
of it removed.
-Oh, Joe.
-Yeah.
Last time I was in the hospital
the nurse strapped me to a bed,
pulled down my pants
and sh*t me in the ass.
Not too shabby.
Not too shabby.
So you better promise me
that you will bake to win.
[soft music]
Whoa, whoa, pie-lady.
You're shaking.
I don't know
what I'm more scared of,
losing or winning.
I don't know, Joe.
Maybe I should just make peace
with happy enough
like my mama did.
Maybe it's too late for me.
Take it from an old man
Time's just sand
Slipping past
We want to hold it
In our hands
But no one ever sees
What falls
Through the cracks
Take it from an old man
My mistakes have made me
And I am what I am
And though I don't believe
In silver linings
I believe
There's something in you
I believe in you
Something good
Is trying to break through
You might have to fight
The good fight
And when you think
You can't
You can
Take it from an old man
Take it from an old man
The days don't stretch
Any longer
They've left tracks
Upon my skin
But I reckon
Made me stronger
But I believe there's
Something in you
Something you
Should be seeing, too
Bet it all on yourself
At least one time
-Cause honey, win or lose
-Win or lose
It's one hell of a ride
It's one hell of a ride
And if you lack
The strength of your own
Honey, hold out your hand
And take it
From an old man
-[music ends]
-[applause]
Excuse me, I'm just--
I'm gonna borrow my wife.
Say your goodbyes,
we're going home.
-Who invited you?
-Have another piece of pie,
old man!
-Come on!
-Please don't.
You'll make it worse.
Let's go.
Jenna! Please stay.
I am so sorry. Bye sweetheart.
-Don't leave!
-I love you.
Congratulations.
[tense music]
[music ends]
You must think
I'm really stupid.
-No.
-No?
[sniffles]
Unzip that cushion.
-I don't want--
-Do it!
What is that, Jenna? Hmm?
What is that?
It's money.
That's money?
Hidden all over the house?
In the drawers,
in the cabinets,
in the f*cking sofa!
-It's money hidden
all over my house.
-I'm sorry.
After everything
that I have done for you,
you go and hide money from me?
I was the only one
that was there for you
after your mama d*ed
and your daddy was piss drunk
every night.
You forget about that?!
Do I need this?
Do I need this right now?
Earl, oh, my God, stop!
You love that guitar!
You...
are the only thing
that I've ever loved.
You are the only person
that has ever belonged to me.
You're my wife.
[chuckles]
You are my whole life.
And you having
a secret from me...
it just tears me apart.
Why are you hiding money
all over the house?
-I want to go--
-No, no, just tell me you
were gonna surprise me.
-No, Earl.
-Tell me you were gonna
buy me a present.
Because if I ever thought
that you weren't happy
being my wife,
that you were deceiving me,
I would want to k*ll myself.
[sobbing] I would want to die.
Baby, please hold me.
[sobbing]
The truth is, Earl--
the truth is...
I was saving that money...
for the baby.
To buy some nice things.
A crib and toys.
It was all for the baby.
It was for the baby?
Yes, Earl. For a crib.
I don't know why you have
to make it
so hard, Jenna.
I just want us to be happy.
[soft music]
Dear baby,
if you ever want to
know the story of how we bought
your crib, I'll tell you.
Your crib was bought
with the money
I was gonna use to buy us
a new life.
The Springfield Pie Contest
is starting next week...
and you and I
will not be in attendance.
It's not simple to say
Most days
I don't recognize me
That these shoes
And this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more
Than I gave them
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything
Like I used to be
Although It's true
I was never attention's
Sweet center
I still remember That girl
She's imperfect
But she tries
She is good
But she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken
And won't ask for help
She is messy,
But she's kind
She is lonely
Most of the time
She is all of this
Mixed up
And baked
In a beautiful pie
She is gone
But she used to be mine
It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life
Just slips in
Through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe
It's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what
I asked for
If I'm honest I know
I would give it all back
For a chance To start over
And rewrite an ending
Or two
For that girl that I knew
Who'd be reckless
Just enough
Who gets hurt
But who learns
How to toughen up
When she's bruised
And gets used by a man
Who can't love
And then she'll get stuck
And be scared
Of the life
That's inside her
Growing stronger each day
Till it finally
Reminds her
To fight just a little
To bring back the fire
In her eyes
That's been gone
But it used to be mine...
It used to mine...
She is messy
But she's kind
She is lonely
Most of the time
She is all of this
Mixed up
And baked
In a beautiful pie
She is gone
But she used to be
Mine
[applause]
[music ends]
[groans]
[heavy breathing]
[heart b*ating]
[exhales]
[soft music]
[heavy breathing continues]
[machines beeping]
[chatter]
[heartbeat quickens]
Jenna, everything's
gonna to be okay.
Just make it all go away.
Look, just try and focus
on your breathing.
I'm gonna be right here.
Wheel me in.
Excuse me, sir.
Do you belong here?
Yes, I'm kin.
[laughs] He sure is!
Joe, are you
having your surgery today?
Yeah, later this afternoon.
Becky told me you were here.
I bought you a card...
from gift shop downstairs.
It's silly and flowery
and almost gave me diabetes.
[laughs] Thank you, Joe.
NO, don't look at it now.
Look at it later
when all the fuss is over.
Hey, halftime in the lounge.
Colts up 10.
What's the ETA in here?
Oh, Earl.
Father to be.
Yeah, how could I forget you?
Don't say nothing smart...
you dumb ass.
Wheel me out.
Dr. Pomatter,
this is my husband, Earl.
Oh, Lordy.
Hey, you mind stepping out
of the way a sec, Doc,
so I can get a sh*t of me
and my wife on the big day?
Much appreciated.
Come on, baby, give me
a kiss now.
-Ow!
-Oh, my God, that's so dramatic.
-[breathing heavily]
-Hey, come on now, babe.
-You're spitting on the lens.
-Doctor Pomatter.
-Yes, Jenna?
-I want to make sure
we're clear about one thing.
-What's that, Jenna?
-I want dr*gs.
I want massive amounts of dr*gs.
[bag pops]
I want the maximum legal
limit of dr*gs.
-Noted and understood.
-Oh, my gosh!
Oh, try and steady
your breathing, hon.
[breathing evenly]
Hi, I'm Francine Pomatter.
Jim has told me
so much about you.
Did I tell you my wife
is a resident here?
Oh, I think you might
have mentioned that.
Don't worry, you are in
great hands with my husband.
[Jenna laughs]
Is she gonna be here
the whole delivery?
I mean, are all the residents
gonna be here?
No, no, no, no.
They're just here to observe
the first stage of labor.
Everybody out.
[Dawn] Jenna! We're here.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Oh, my Lord.
The pie is coming out
of the oven!
-Order up!
-[Jenna screaming]
-Sugar
-[heart b*ating]
Sugar, butter, flour
Sugar, butter
-[overlapping voices]
-[heartbeat increases]
[tense music]
-I don't want no baby, Earl!
-[timer dings]
[baby crying]
-[Jim] It's a girl.
-[Earl] A girl?
[Norma] Would you like to hold
your baby, Mrs. Hunterson?
Mrs. Hunterson? Did you hear me?
Are you okay? Mrs. Hunterson?
Just give her to me.
[trembling breath]
[soft music]
[chuckles]
Oh, my God.
Hey.
Oh, my God.
Now you remember what I said.
Don't you go loving that baby
more than you love me.
I don't love you anymore, Earl.
I haven't in a very long time.
I want a divorce.
Now, that's not
very funny, Jenna.
No one's laughing.
I want you the hell
out of my life.
[chuckles] You ain't
never gonna leave me.
-Watch me.
-You ain't gonna do nothing!
Now you better know your place!
Get your hands off me!
Don't touch me!
Man, you're gonna regret
this when you get home.
And you're gonna regret
ever saying that
'cause if you ever come
within six yard of us,
I will flatten your sorry ass
and I will enjoy doing it.
Now get out before I call
someone to carry you out.
[applause]
[upbeat music]
Today's a day
Like any other
But I am changed
I am a mother
Oh, in an instant
And who I was
Has disappeared
It doesn't matter
Now you're here
-[baby fusses]
-So innocent
I was lost
For you to find
And now I'm yours
And you are mine
Two tiny hands
A pair of eyes
An unsung melody is mine
For safe-keeping
And I will guard it
With my life
I'd hang the moon
For it to shine
On her sleeping
Starting here
And starting now
I can feel
The heart of how
Everything changes
You done did it, girl.
Baby girl,
come meet your Godmamas.
-What?
-Me?
[crying] Oh, Jenna!
Oh, I'm gonna call her Lulu.
Yeah, little Lulu
the love of my life.
And we're gonna be happy,
little girl.
Not just happy enough.
We're gonna be really happy.
Hello.
Hi, is everyone decent?
-Ogie, come here. Come here.
-Okay.
Jenna, Ogie and I
want you to know
that you can stay with us
for a while until you get
back on your feet.
You could stay with us,
but I think
Phil's convulsions might
frighten the baby.
Look, Ogie. Isn't she beautiful?
There are no words...
but I'm double-parked
so I got to run.
I got to go. I love you.
I love you.
Love you, new baby.
Got to go. I love you.
I love you.
I love you. I love you.
Dawn, don't we have
some business
in the hallway?
-No.
-Dawn.
Bye.
-Oh!
-Dawn!
How are you two doing?
You ever seen a baby
this beautiful before?
Out of the 762
that I have delivered,
between us, she is definitely
the most beautiful.
Nurse Norma,
can you get Mrs. Hunterson
her complimentary burp cloths?
Maybe in Connecticut
this sh*t flies,
but Lord have mercy.
I, uh...
I know what you're thinking.
Yeah. no I don't. That's a lie.
I--
what are you thinking?
I'm thinking...
I could never thank you enough
for everything
you've done for me.
And I'm thinking
your wife's around.
And you shouldn't kiss me.
The way she looks at you.
So much trust.
We could have
a big drama that gets
drawn out here
for a couple years
and makes everyone miserable,
or we could end it right here.
No body count.
So this is goodbye.
I will never forget you.
Another lifetime.
Oh.
You deserve homemade,
but try telling that
to a vending machine.
Here.
Thanks For Taking Me
To The Moon Moonpie.
[soft music]
I didn't know,
But now I see
Sometimes what is
Is meant to be
You saved me
My blurry lines
My messy life
Come into focus
And in time maybe
I can heal
And I can breathe
'Cause I can feel
Myself believe
Everything changes
Oh, my heart's
At the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense
When I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought
Was so permanent
Fades in the blink
Of an eye
There's a new life
In front of my face
In the blink of an eye
There's a new life
In front of my face
And I know in due time
Every right thing will find
Its right place
And I know in due time
Every right thing Will find
Its right place
So I swear I'll remember
To say we were both
Born today
'Cause everything's
Changed
Everything changes
-[music ends]
-[applause]
[gentle music]
Shh, shh. [laughs]
Oh. [laughs]
"To my only friend.
Start fresh.
I'm leaving you--
I'm leaving you the pie shop.
Name a pie for me
when I'm gone."
[upbeat music]
Okay, little Lulu.
we got 16 Lulu Lemonade Pies,
eight Polka Dot Peach
and four Cocoa Cream.
-How many is that?
-A lot!
A lot! Thank you, Miss Lulu.
Wait, it's magic time.
Magic time.
All right, I've been practicing.
Watch closely.
Are you ready? A one,
a two, a three.
I don't got it. Hey.
-Wow, Mama.
-Hi, baby girl.
[Cal] Jenna, what's
the special pie today?
Old Joe's Slice of Heaven pie,
with tomato on the side.
[all] On its own plate!
Opening up
Into a new day
Open to love
Isn't it amazing
What comes our way?
One at a time
Everyday falls in line
Learning to love
What's on the inside
Looking around
At the same things
All of them changing
'Cause everything does
Life's rearranging
And we're opening up
To what's inside of
What's inside of love...
What's inside?
Sugar, butter, flour
-[music ends]
-[applause]
[upbeat music]
[applause]
Isn't it amazing
What comes our way?
One at a time
Everyday falls in line
Learning to love
What's on the inside
Looking around
At the same things
All of them changing
'Cause everything does
Life's rearranging
And we're opening up
To what's inside of love...
Opening up
Opening up
[applause]
[soft music]
[upbeat music]
Down at the diner
Ah
So many ways to slice
A piece of this life
But most of the time
It's into quarter life crisis
What's on your plate
At any given time
Can change with the specials
And a jukebox dime
Down at the diner
Start to feel
A little lighter
Down at the diner
Look around and feel better
We're all in this together
I wouldn't call this place
A happy end
But I've been round the block
And just came back again
I ain't seen the world yet,
But I know this much
Might as well call home
Wherever my ass ends up
Down at the diner
Don't need to tell them
Why I'm here
They know me at the diner
And in every single bite
Is a little bit of life
So many days to endure
In a row
It's the little things
That keep us afloat
Thank God for the oasis
The people and places
That save us and serve
As reminder
That's why we come
To the diner
At the diner
Ah
Ordered up is how I
like My days to find me
Everything here has
It's place and timing
I've never been
someone Who fits right in
But I found myself
Organizing condiments
Down at the diner
I'm exponentially wiser
Down at the diner
Whatever you are
There's room at the bar
Every day begin again
Take a seat and settle in
With the rest of us
We're all just
Trying to get by
When it gets hard
This small town
Is who we are
It's the heartbeat
The center
The lifeline you enter
-It's the heartbeat
-The heartbeat
-Center
-The center
-The lifeline you enter
-The lifeline you enter
Every day what you got
Bring it with you
Share your love
It's the rest of us
We're all just
Down at the diner
Ah
Waitress: The Musical (2023)
Moderator: Maskath3