(music playing)
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
The movie is almost
over, Mr. Findlay.
Oh, your commercial
will be on any minute.
Lorraine, Lorraine,
don't get so excited.
I can't believe it.
My own boss, on television.
Lorraine, it's only
a commercial,
I'm not sure even, if it
was such a good idea.
Findlay, baby, don't worry.
You are in the hands of the
best advertising agent in this town.
Who do you think
made Leo Marcioni,
the Toupee King of Tuckahoe?
I felt kind of funny doing it.
Are you sure we
shouldn't use the other one,
the more dignified commercial?
Are you crazy?
Wally, this
commercial is dynamite.
And I'm not talking pow.
I'm talking boom!
Did you hear that, Mr. Willie?
Boom!
Well, anyway...
I hope it's as
good as you think.
I better remind
my wife that it's on.
It's gonna be great. Just great!
Wouldn't you know it? It's busy.
Her mother is flying
in from Boston today,
and Maude's probably
warning the whole neighborhood.
Look, there it is! It's on!
It's on, Mr. Willie! It's on!
(On TV) Wow Wee Wally!
Wow Wee Wally! Here at
Findlay's Friendly Appliances.
Folks, wait till you
see these price tags.
Unbelievable!
The lowest prices in town.
How can I do it?
I am underfinanced
and overstocked.
That's right, folks.
You've got Wally over a barrel.
Ranges, refrigerators,
washing machines,
and all name brands.
Look at this baby,
the world famous
Yasumoto Freeze King.
A 100% American refrigerator.
Only the name is Japanese.
Everyone in the place,
marked down to 329.
That's a loss folks.
Wow, you say?
They don't call me Wow
Wee Wally for nothing.
So come on down to
932 Marshall Avenue,
and look for the sign of the
giant neon pop-up toaster.
That's Finlay's Friendly
Appliances. Free parking,
candy for the kids, open
from 9 to 6. And folks...
God love you.
Oh, Mr. Willie, you
were sensational.
I actually believed you.
What didn't I tell you, Wally?
- Boom!
- (Lorraine chuckles)
I wasn't too bad, was I?
Wow Wee Wally,
oh, that's so neat.
I bet you're gonna be
another household word like...
like Drano!
Hi, Mother.
(Maude) Oh, hi. honey.
Oh, hey! How was
Walter's commercial?
What do you mean, how
was Walter's commercial?
It's not on for
another 15 minutes.
You told me it was on at 2:56.
Honey, 256 is my
mother's flight number.
I distinctly remember
because 256 was the room number
of the first motel
Walter ever took me to.
It was really crummy.
(chuckles)
Well, it's taken you six years
to get Grandma down here
- to meet Walter, hasn't it?
- I know.
You know, she couldn't stand
any of my first three husbands.
Which, incidentally, was the
only thing we ever agreed on.
But I know she is
going to adore Walter.
Then what are you
so nervous about?
Sweetheart, my
48-year-old relationship
with my mother can be summed up
by those three little words.
I am sorry, Mother.
Well, you're not
gonna have to say
I'm sorry to her about Walter.
Oh, Carol, she'll have
me saying "I'm sorry"
two minutes after she
walks through that door.
Sweetheart, would you just
rub this for me a little, right here?
- What's the matter?
- Oh, it's just a slight touch of
motheritis.
Every time I see my mother
I get a pain in the neck.
I know.
Like you give me sometimes.
Exactly. You know,
it's all guilt, Carol.
It starts the
moment you're born.
The doctor holds
you up by the ankles,
gives you a slap across
the rear end and says,
"There, that's for what
you just did to your mother."
Listen, Mother, are you sure
you shouldn't check the time?
Honey, I have
everything under control.
In exactly six minutes
3:59, we're gonna watch
Walter's commercial.
And then I'll drive
out to the airport
to meet your grandma's plane,
which is flight 256
arriving at 4:45.
Something tells me
that when she calls...
Sweetheart,
if there is one thing I
never make a mistake on,
it is time, Carol. I
pride myself on it.
Only once did I ever
get my times mixed up,
which is why you're here.
Well, have you got
the right flight number?
Carol, please, honey,
I even wrote it down.
Look. Flight 445,
arriving at 2:56.
Oh, my God!
- (door bell rings)
- Don't answer the door!
Oh, Mother, I'm
sorry! I'm sorry!
Ohh...
Oh, Maude, Maude.
Oh, Maude.
My little girl,
my dear,
sweet tardy little girl.
I'm sorry, Mother.
I'm sorry, I got your
flight time mixed up
with the arrival time
and the time of...
No, no, no, no, no,
not another word.
I was glad to save
you the trouble.
Oh, I didn't mind that
long lonely trip
from the airport,
on that stuffy bus.
Hello, Grandma!
Oh, Carol, darling,
my beautiful little
granddaughter.
Oh, you are a picture
of grace and beauty.
Oh, you know, you remind
me of me when I was your age.
Ohh, that satiny
soft complexion.
Mmm, and those exciting
sparkling eyes, and...
uh-really stacked.
Oh, Grandma, you
haven't changed a bit.
You're a great lady.
Oh, well, Carol,
I was brought up to recognize
that good breeding
consists of four qualities.
Good manners,
good carriage,
and good solid
Yankee conservatism.
Mother, that's only
three. What's the fourth?
Punctuality.
Hmm.
- I'm sorry, Mother.
- Mm.
- I'll take
your suitcase upstairs.
- Oh, thank you, dear.
Ohh, and, Phillip will be home
from school in a couple hours.
He can't wait to see you.
(Florence) Oh,
bless you, darling.
Well, well, well, well,
here we are.
Ohh.
Darling, you just
look wonderful.
But why do you
have to be different?
Why don't you touch up your
hair like everybody else your age.
Mother, I don't know.
I decided years ago
to just be natural like you
(Florence grunts)
Oh, we-we-we're just
going to have a wonderful,
wonderful weekend, Mother.
I hope so, dear.
And I'm so anxious
for you to meet Walter.
You know, we've been
married for five years.
Mother, it's very
important to me
that you love him
as much as I do.
And I know you will.
I hope so, dear.
By the way, Mother, why didn't
you call me from the airport?
Oh, why should I bother calling?
Especially when your
phone was busy, all morning.
Oh, that's ridiculous, Mother.
Nobody's been on the phone.
(laughing)
You are too much, Bert.
I'll hold on, would you, dear?
While I have my afternoon tea?
Here's looking at you, Bert.
Mrs. Naugatuck,
after you hang up
and before you get fired, I'd
like you to meet my mother.
Oh, excuse me, Bert.
I've got to meet ma'am's mum.
How do you do?
Well, pleased to meet you.
You are?
And your daughter said
you were hard to please.
- Mother, I never said that.
- No.
No, I-I'm sure you didn't, dear.
Well, I have to go in
and put on a new face.
Oh, but, Mother, there is
nothing wrong with your old one.
I know, but I just put
a thousand miles on it.
That's due for a checkup.
Maude!
What did you think
of my commercial?
Oh, honey, I-I'm so sorry,
I missed it. Oh, Walter,
when will it be on again?
Oh, in about three minutes.
Right after Celebrity Soccer.
Good, then we can
all see it together.
Now, listen, darling,
Mother arrived.
She'll be out in a minute.
Please, for God's sake,
Walter, be charming.
Well, well,
well, don't tell me.
This must be Walter.
- And you're Mother Chadburn.
- Oh, yeah.
Charming, charming.
Eh, just call me Florence.
Florence, what a
charming, charming name.
I can't get over it.
You look more
like Maude's sister.
Mother always was
very young-looking.
It's her hair.
Prematurely red.
Hey, Mom, I brought
you some candy.
Oh, Walter, how sweet of you.
Now, I'll bet
Maude told you that
I liked good candy.
Well, yes, Mother,
I did mention it.
What is that?
An Easter bunny, Walter?
You bought my mother a
chocolate Easter bunny?
(Walter) They must've
given me the wrong box.
Oh, that really hurts me, Mom,
especially knowing that
somebody swiped your sour balls.
Eh, Walter,
I-I understand
that you own your own store.
I'm the 28th biggest
appliance dealer
in West Chester County.
Mother, we don't want to brag,
but Walter is very prominent.
As a matter of fact,
he's just made his own
television commercial.
Would you believe it?
His own television commercial.
Oh, and it's gonna
be on any second.
Well, I'm very
impressed, Walter.
Ah, nothing at all.
Isn't he cute? And so modest?
You know, Mother, originally,
they wanted somebody
like, oh, Henry Fonda,
or Laurence Olivier
to do it, you know.
But then they realized that
Walter is so much
more distinguished.
(from the television)
Wow Wee Wally!
Folks, wait till you
see these price tags.
You've got Wally over a barrel.
(Walter) Ranges,
refrigerators, washing machines,
and look at this baby,
the world famous
Yasumoto Freeze King,
a 100% American refrigerator.
Only the name is Japanese.
Everyone in the place
marked down to 329.
Wow, you say?
That's why they call
me Wow Wee Wally.
(laughs)
And look for the sign of a
giant neon pop-up toaster.
And folks...
God love you.
(Florence bursts out laughing)
"God love you"?
(laughs)
Well, I guess I don't have
to ask what my wife thought.
But Mother Chadbourn,
what did you think?
Well, I'll tell you exactly
what I think, Walter.
I think you are a
real horse's patootie.
Did you hear that, Walter?
All I wanted was for my mother
to love you and respect you
and be proud of you the
way I am, and what do you do?
You go on television,
and you totally, totally,
totally disgrace us.
I'm sorry, Mother.
No, now, wait a minute, Maude.
I said Walter was
a horse's patootie,
but he is going to sell
a million refrigerators.
And Walter,
I love you for it.
(laughs)
Thanks, Terry.
I thought it was mildly
sensational, myself.
(laughs)
Wow Wee Wally, signing off.
That's six calls
in five minutes.
I'm a hit!
In spite of what
you think, I'm a hit!
Oh, it must be nice
having a hit, Maude,
after striking out three times.
You realize of
course, Mother, that
if I'd married Walter first,
I could've saved you a fortune
in sterling silver pickle forks.
Now, I think his
commercial is marvelous.
(phone rings)
Would that phone
ever stop ringing?
(sighs) Hello, this is Mrs.
Wow Wee Wally here.
No, he isn't. Can
I take a message?
Oh, well, I'm sure
he'll be pleased to know
that you enjoyed the commercial.
You what?
You want him to be
official numbers caller
at the Tuckahoe
Wide World of Bingo?
Oh, that's quite an honor!
Yeah, well, I'll tell you,
I'll tell him when he comes.
And thank you so much
for calling, Father Monahan.
You know, I think
if it weren't for bingo
half of the people in the
world would be atheists.
I finished upstairs if
you care to unpack.
Oh, thank you, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Wow Wee Willy!
Never knew you
had legs like that.
Thank you, Mrs. Naugatuck.
You're welcome.
But it wasn't meant
as a compliment.
Brilliant commercial,
Walter! Absolutely brilliant.
I just hope you
were wearing shorts.
Why?
Well, you got a barrel
with a knot whole,
you could be in big
trouble with the FCC.
Now, will you
cut it out, Arthur?
Well...
how do I look?
Mother, you look beautiful.
Oh, you see!
And you say we never
agree about anything.
Arthur, this is Maude's
mother, Florence Chadburn.
Dr. Harmon.
Very nice to meet
you, Mrs. Chadburn.
Well, I'm delighted
to meet you, Doctor.
I don't think she's
so hard to please.
I didn't say that
either, Mother.
I'm sure you didn't, dear.
- I think now is the
perfect time for our tea.
- Oh.
Say, those refrigerators
you were advertising,
I could use one over my office.
Oh, sorry, Arthur.
I only had two and I sold them.
They were my loss leaders.
You know, to get
people into the store.
Oh! I get it, Walter.
The old, come on, huh?
The "old, come on"?
Sure. It's very popular
in merchandizing.
You see, you tempt the
customer with a carrot on a stick.
Oh, and while you're
holding the carrot,
the customer gets the stick.
Now, wait a minute, Maude.
Loss leaders are a perfectly
acceptable business practice.
Oh, come on. Walter,
you just got through
telling Arthur that you
only had two refrigerators
in the whole store.
The way you sounded
on your commercial
you had refrigerators
coming out of your ears.
Oh, Maudie! Loss
leaders are nothing new.
In fact,
they go all the way
back to Adam and Eve.
Yeah.
Eve got Adam interested
with an apple, see?
And she lured him
into the Garden of Eden,
dangling her apple.
The next thing he knew, he
had a whole family to support.
You see, the apple
was Eve's loss leader.
Arthur, that is the
single worst analogy
I have heard my entire life.
Adam and Eve!
- How about Caesar and Cleopatra?
- Arthur.
Uh, Napoleon and Josephine?
Look, Arthur, we are
discussing honesty in business.
Not sex through the ages.
Sex through the ages?
That reminds me, I've
got a 62-year-old man
waiting at the office
for a vasectomy.
Nice to meet you, Mrs. Chadburn.
That man is a surgeon?
I wouldn't let him
take out my garbage.
You see, that's something
else we agree on.
- Now, listen to me...
- No, wait a minute, Maude.
I don't want my
best friend insulted.
And I'm tired of
being insulted myself.
Loss leaders are a part of life.
- Oh...
- Everybody uses them.
- Even you.
- Me?
Yes, you.
Remember, Maude, when
we first started going together?
I used to nibble on your ears,
and you used to
flutter and giggle
and tell me I was
driving you crazy.
And the night we got married,
you know the first
thing you said to me?
"Please, Walter,
don't nibble my ear."
Maude, you used your
lobes as loss leaders.
Come on, Walter!
How can you compare
the tender, little traps
that we women set
for the men we love to...
To your nefarious
business schemes?
I mean, at least I-I didn't
promise you six lobes
and give you two!
(tut-tuts)
What does that suppose to mean?
I-I didn't say a
word. All I said was...
(tut-tuts)
Mother, are you
trying to say that
you agree with Walter
and not with me?
Oh, I've never said anything
of the kind. All I said was...
(tut-tuts)
Look, Mother, if you
have something to say
why don't you come
right out and say it?
Thank you. I will.
(tut-tuts)
Mother!
Walter, you are
driving me crazy!
Now, about those loss leaders.
I've listened enough!
I'm goin' out for a walk.
What am I doing
around here anyway?
You don't like my ethics!
Mrs. Naugatuck
doesn't like my legs!
Now, Maude, listen
to me for a minute.
I think you've
married the right man.
He's a real go-getter!
Who practices
deceptive advertising.
Oh, well, now,
you've got to grow up, Maude.
It's like Walter Cronkite
says every night
on the 7:00 news,
"That's the way it is."
All right, Mother,
this is my problem. I
would really appreciate...
I'm sorry, Mother. I'm sorry.
I promised myself that
no matter what you said,
I was not going to fight
with you, and I am not.
Mm, well, I'm glad, because
I've promised the same thing.
I distinctly remember
saying to myself
"Florence, darling,
you're not going to fight
with that little girl of yours,
even though you're
standing out here
at the airport freezing to death
while she is
sitting in her warm,
comfortable home
thinking up excuses
for not meeting you."
Please, Mother!
I told you it was a mix-up!
It could happen to anyone!
It could, but it didn't.
There were 25 mothers
out there at that airport
being met by 25 daughters.
Not one of them mine.
I suppose you counted.
What else did I have to do?
Mother, will you please
stop making me feel guilty
because I missed your plane!
Oh, I would never dream
of making any daughter
of mine feel guilty,
no matter how negligent she is.
Mother, I was not negligent!
Then why are you feeling guilty?
Because, you're my mother
and I am your daughter
and it goes with the territory.
I thought you two
weren't going to argue.
Please, Carol, this is
between me and my mother.
Mother, I'm only
trying to help you...
Butt out, Carol.
- Mother, I'm trying...
- I said butt out, Carol!
Mother, you're impossible!
That's no way to
talk to your mother!
And that's no way to
talk to your daughter!
Now, she's not a child.
She's a mature,
intelligent adult.
Look, Mother, would
you mind butting out?
That's no way to
talk to your mother.
Don't tell your mother
how to talk to her mother!
Carol is right!
Now, she should be
able to speak to you
not as mother and
daughter, but as an equal.
Well, the way you-you
and I talk to each other.
- Oh, c'mon, Mother, you and I...
- Butt out, Maude, and listen.
Sorry, Mother.
Now, Carol has no need
for your approval
about anything.
She is grown up
and she can speak her own mind.
She's right.
I'm sorry, Carol.
Mother, you don't
have to apologize to me.
- I owe you an apology.
- No, you don't!
You are going to get an apology
whether you want it or not.
Don't yell. Stop taking
your frustrations out on me!
What frustrations? I
have no frustrations.
- The hell, you don't.
- The hell, I do.
(Mrs. Chadburn) Maude!
- You do have frustrations!
- I do not!
- You do too!
- All right, all right!
All right, all right, Mother.
Get it off your chest. Tell me.
What is my frustration?
Your husband.
If you really loved him,
you would stand beside
him and guide him.
How, Mother?
Through the night, with
the light from above?
Look at me.
I stood behind your father,
no matter how
much I disapproved.
Which was practically
all of the time.
For 40 long years, I
stood beside that man
biting my tongue.
But I adored that man.
And that, Mother, is
your definition of love?
My husband, right or wrong?
Absolutely.
Well, Mother, if that is
your definition of love
then you're a horse's patootie!
God will get you for that.
I'll take my chances.
You know, I ought
to spank y... Ow...
Oh, oh!
You know, Maude, this
is the first time in your life
that you ever turned on me.
I know, Mother.
You know what, I can't
tell you how good it feels.
But believe me, Mother,
this is gonna lead to
a better relationship,
like the one I have with Carol.
I hope so, Mother.
But Maude,
you should have
met me at the airport.
I'm sorry, Mother.
- Mother!
- I'm sorry, Carol.
I'm sorry, Maude.
I took a long walk,
and did a lot of thinking
about the things you said.
I'm not sure I agree with them,
but if they upset you that much,
then they bother me too.
I called the agency
and told them to put
on my other commercial.
The one with dignity.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I'm your President.
President of Findlay's
Friendly Appliances.
As I said to my
wife, the first lady,
you can fool all of the
people some of the time,
and you can fool some of
the people all of the time,
but you can't fool all of
the people all of the time.
That does it!
Walter, get me the phonebook.
- Who do you wanna call?
- John Wilkes Booth.
(vocalizing)
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
(male narrator) Maude
was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
03x23 - Maude's Mother
Watch/Buy Amazon
Spin-off series from All in the Family, Maude was a sitcom with topical storylines created by producers Norman Lear and Bud Yorkin.
Spin-off series from All in the Family, Maude was a sitcom with topical storylines created by producers Norman Lear and Bud Yorkin.