06x19 - Arthur's Grandson

[bunniefuu]

♪ Lady Godiva was
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♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

Yeah. Come over as
soon as you can, Viv.,

I wanna hear all about
the trip and of course,

we're dying to meet
Arthur's grandson.

Oh, Phillip, honey, stop
eating those cookies.

Uh-huh,

I'm making a hot cocoa

and I just made a
fresh batch of cookies,

so we can have a little
party when you get over here.

Oh yeah, and tell
Arthur not to worry.

I will give his grandson

the same love I give
my own grandson.

Phillip, reach for
one more cookie,

I'll break your arm.

What's the big deal?

If you're not careful,

you will get cookie breath

and no one will
ever want to kiss you.

Do you think it's a good
idea to lie to a young person

about something as
psychologically sensitive

as expressing affection

during the sexually
formative years?

What are you reading?

"Psychology Tomorrow
For Kids Today."

Oh, "Psychology
Tomorrow For Kids Today."

We can burn the book later.

But for right now, we must
not have any more cookies

because Arthur is going
to bring his little grandson

over in a few minutes
and he will no doubt want

lots and lots of cookies.

I just can't imagine
Dr. Harmon with a son,

much less a grandson.

Why not?

Well, I don't know.

Dr. Harmon is so, you know.

He is, isn't he?

It's no wonder his son
ran away from home.

No, Arthur Jr. Didn't
run away from home.

- Yes, he did.
- No, he did not.

No, he went up to Canada

as a matter of conscience.

You see, he was 19 years
old and they wanted him

to be drafted into the
army and go to Vietnam,

which Arthur wanted him to do.

So... you're right. He
ran away from home.

Reach for one more cookie

and I'll hide your Clearasil.

What ever happened
to nice grandmas?

Well, they get vicious

in their sexually
declining years.

Oh, I just heard it's the
coldest day of the year.

Oh boy, hot cocoa and cookies.

Oh, be careful,

you'll get cookie
breath and then nobody

would want to kiss you.

I just saw Arthur's car.

Did they get back
from Canada okay?

Yeah. They got back
about an hour ago

and Arthur's
grandson is with him.

They're going to come over
just as soon as Arthur sets up

the electric freedom train,

and the bionic flags,

and the life-sized statues of
all the American presidents.

Come on, Maude, will
you give Arthur a break?

I mean, it's the first time
he's ever seen his grandson.

I guess he wants to
impress the little kid.

I wonder if he
looks like Arthur.

God would not
do that to a child.

Oh, by the way,

Arthur wants us to put
out some American flags

when he brings
his grandson over.

- Flags?
- Yeah.

You know, American flag.

Old glory, stars and
stripes, field of blue,

you know, pride of our nation,
they make them in Japan.

Maude, I mean, really,
give Arthur a break.

He just wants the boy to
see a typical American home.

Hello in there, friendly
American neighbors.

Walter, that's for you.

Well, hi, hi, hi.

Here's Ian,
getting his first look

at the land of opportunity.

- Right, Champ?
- Right, Grandpa.

Ian, say hello to
your Auntie Maude

and your Uncle Walter.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Very nice to meet you, Ian.

We call him Champ
here in America.

Ian, how was your
trip from Canada?

Well, it was nice
and warm in the car

but very cold when
grandpa made a stop

at those historical monuments.

I thought you loved
those monuments?

I hated them.

Oh, that's just
because it's cold.

This isn't a regular
American weather.

Usually, the
weather is just dandy

at this time of
year. Just dandy.

Well, it's cold in Canada too.

Oh, you don't want
to talk about Canada.

You want to talk about America.

The Findlays are Americans.

See how nice they are?

Yes, sir.

In America, my boy,
everybody is nice.

That's because
here, we're all equal.

You see the way they treat me?

No bowing and scraping
just because I'm a doctor.

Here, I'm treated just
like I'm a normal person.

That is the true
test of democracy.

Aren't they cute together?

Oh, it brought such
a tear to my eye

the first time he
called Arthur grandpa.

Oh.

And it really made me laugh

the first time he
called me grandma

because, you know,
I'm not his real grandma.

Arthur's first wife Agnes,
was his real grandma.

But she's dead now.

So I guess I am
his live grandma.

And she's just his dead grandma.

But you know, even if I die

I still won't be
his real grandma.

I'll just be his...

dead step-grandma.

Grandpa, I'm afraid
my Hinky's getting cold.

Your Hinky?

Well, a cup of hot cocoa ought
to take care of a cold Hinky.

Whatever that is.

Come on in, we'll
get some cocoa.

He's quite a kid, isn't he?

Oh, Arthur, aren't
you over doing this,

"Rah, rah, America" stuff?

What "Rah, rah America" stuff?

You may not be impressed
with the land of the free

and the home of
the brave, but he is.

Oh, come on. Arthur,
he's just a little kid.

I mean, you're pushing too hard.

Get off his Hinky.

He's been like this all week,

buying him toys,
flags, t-shirts that say,

"Fonzi is a registered
Republican."

Get off his Hinky.

That's easy for
you to say, Maude,

you don't have a grandson.

Oh? What's
Phillip, a tinker toy?

- He's not.
- Oh, no, no.

Well, I mean, a new grandson.

See, if Ian goes back to Canada

and says he would
like to live in America,

well, you know how parents are.

Maybe Arthur Jr. Will reconsider

and come down here to live.

I sure hope so, because
I just can't get enough

of that young tyke there.

- Oh.
- Oh, no. Help!

Do... don't move him,

somebody call a doctor.

He's all right,
he just fell down.

I'm all right, I just fell down.

Are you all right?

Did you just fall down?

Is he all right?

Yeah. He just fell down.

It wasn't my
fault. I didn't do it.

Grandma did it.

I mean, his dead grandma.

Oh, hi, Dr. Harmon.

Oh, here's Phillip.

Phillip, this is Ian.

Phillip is the
Findlays' grandson.

The Findlays are
his grandparents.

He lives here too.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Do you want to watch TV with me?

I'm not allowed to
watch TV in the daytime.

Well neither am I. Come on.

He's quite a kid, isn't he?

Arthur, tell us about your son.

Well, there's not
really much to tell.

- It's... there's...
- Oh, come on, come on.

Now, tell us about him
or where... what's he doing

and what did he have to say?

We'll, there's nothing
to say, really, it's...

Is he coming back?

What does he really think
about President Carter's amnesty

for draft resistance?

Well, we didn't
hit on that subject.

Oh?

What did you talk about?

Oh, well, mostly
man-to-man talk,

you know, the weather,

ice hockey, Canadian bacon.

Arthur, you mean you saw
your son for the first time

in 10 years and you
spoke about bacon?

I mean, didn't you...

Didn't you talk
about his being away

and how you feel about...

I mean, what did...
What did you...

What did you say to each other?

Well, I said, "Hello Arthur."

He took that pretty well.

Uh-huh.

What else?

Then I said, "How
have you been?"

Good.

That's all?

Didn't he say anything?

Oh, sure he did.

He said, "Dad, we better
have a talk sometime."

How about that?

Arthur, what does that mean?

Well, he meant either,

"I want to apologize but I
don't know how to start."

Or he meant, "We'll
talk about it later."

Arthur, why didn't...

Why didn't you tell
him you love him

and you want him
to come back home?

I didn't want to be talking

in case he wanted
to make an apology.

Arthur, I always forget...

Why should he have to apologize?

Vivian, you remember
what I told you

what happened 10 years ago

when I called him a
coward, and a traitor,

and I denounced him forever.

Oh, that's why he
has to apologize.

He never did in his letters.

Well, Arthur, when
you wrote him,

maybe you should've explained
why you thought he should.

I never wrote to him.

That would've been giving
aid and comfort to the enemy.

Arthur, how could you
do this to your own son?

It's for his own good, Maude.

If I hadn't been tough,

he wouldn't be so
glad to come home.

But you said he's
not coming home.

Well, yes. There's
that to consider.

But I think he's weakening.

He'll see to think differently

when he hears what
young Ian has to say.

Here's my boy.

Grandpa, I want my Hinky.

Your Hinky?

What's a Hinky?

Walter, a Hinky is...

What's a Hinky?

It's a... it's a... it's a...

Vivian, go over and get
his Hinky out of his suitcase.

- Oh, sure.
- No, no, no.

It's not in the suitcase,

it's in the car, in the trunk.

Champ, everything's
been taken out of the car.

Oh, no. Oh boy.

Hinky, that's the name
for his pet hamster.

I left it in the
trunk of the car.

I want my Hinky.

I'll go and get it.

Arthur, put your coat
on, it's freezing out.

I'll just be a second.

Well, Ian,

how do you like America so far?

Oh, he loves it.

On the way down, we stopped

at every historical
monument we could.

And tell me Ian, which
was your favorite?

McDonald's.

Ian, why don't you
go back upstairs

and watch television now, okay?

Arthur is it... it's not...

Vivian, stop it.

He's dead. He's dead.

You made me put Hinky
all alone in the trunk

in the dark, and now he's dead.

But, Champ, he's not dead.

I'm a doctor. I know.

He's just got a little
touch of frost bite.

He's dead. You k*lled
him, you k*lled him.

No, Champ, I didn't k*ll him.

He'll be all right.

Grandpa can cure
him, I promise you.

Grandpa will cure him.

Don't just stand there,

somebody call a Hinky doctor.

Well, Arthur, his heart's faint,

but he is alive.

What we need here.

What we need first
is to keep him warm.

Here, Walter, get him warm.

How?

Blow on him.

Blow on him?

I called two animal hospitals

and there's no answer.

That's veterinarians for you.

It's Saturday, they're probably
all out playing miniature golf.

Arthur, it isn't doing anything.

You're not getting
it warm enough.

- Vivian?
- Mm-hmm.

Go up in the kitchen
and get some warm water.

- Oh.
- Bring a wash cloth.

- Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
- Walter, keep blowing.

Why couldn't a hamster
have appendicitis?

I'm good at appendicitis.

Finally got through
to an animal hospital

and all I got was a
recorded message.

The only emergency animal
hospital that's open today

is in New York City.

No. He'd die before
we got him there.

Where is that water?

We're not getting warm enough.

Maybe a hairdryer would work?

Ian, Champ,

I can't administer
medical service

with a member of my family
looking over my shoulder.

Phillip, why don't
you take Ian upstairs

and look for the hairdryer.

Look at my hand shake?

You'd think I was
operating on a patient.

Arthur, what about
young Carl Messerschmitt?

You know, he's
studying to be a vet.

A student?

I should say not.

My grandson's hamster is
not going to be a guinea pig

for anyone.

Arthur, it's only a hamster.

You know, we could
always go to a pet store

- and buy another one.
- No.

He's gonna live.

Didn't you see that
look on the boy's face?

He thinks I'm a m*rder*r.

I am not a m*rder*r,

I'm a healer, and I am
going to cure this animal.

Arthur, are you all
right, more or less?

You know, he's right.

He's right.

You know, why this animal's
lying here right now, don't you?

Because he can't
get up and run around

while he's frozen solid?

No.

He is lying here
because I wouldn't let

the boy play with the
damn thing in the car.

Well, there's no place
to wash his hands.

See?

There it is again.

So what if he didn't
wash his hands?

Arthur Jr. wouldn't be
hiding out in Canada right now

if I hadn't made
him wash his hands.

Vivian, is he making any sense?

Oh, I don't think so.

Arthur, are you
making any sense?

It's all the same thing.

Wash your hands.

Go in the army.

You're a traitor.

Don't play with the hamster.

Don't you see?
It's all the same?

Dr. Harmon, Ian wants to know

the area code for Canada.

There, you see?

He's going to tell Arthur Jr.

He's going to squeal
on his own grandfather.

I'll go talk to him.

Don't let him make the call.

Tell him the hamster
seems a little better.

Doesn't it seem a little better?

Its breathing is shallow.

Its breathing is very shallow.

Is it breathing at all?

Yes, it's breathing.
See, that's a good sign,

that's the one of the
things we doctors look for.

Arthur, will you slow down?

It's not your fault.

It is my fault.

I made Ian put that
hamster in the trunk.

I was wrong about everything.

I was wrong about the hamster.

I was wrong to call my
son a coward and a traitor.

Even the president
was going to pardon him.

The president did pardon him.

Not this president.

The real president.

He called me a k*ller
too, just like Ian did.

The president
called you a k*ller?

My son.

He said I wanted to m*rder
those people over there.

He said I wanted
him to m*rder them.

Arthur, is this
what's bothering you?

The word, "m*rder*r"?

I mean, are you
going to let a little word

like m*rder*r ruin...
I see what you mean.

Right.

That's why this
hamster must live.

Brandy, we need some brandy.

Oh, I think it's a little
early to celebrate.

This is medicinal.

Here.

- Oh.
- Here.

How do I get him to drink?

How about a little song?

Arthur, how?

Pour it on a cocktail napkin

and squeeze it down his throat.

Don't you know
anything about medicine?

Arthur, what if
the hamster dies?

- Hush your mouth, Maude.
- No, what if he dies?

Stop it.

She's right, Arthur.

He can't die.

Don't die, Hinky.

I'll get you anything.
I'll buy you a pony.

Arthur, this is ridiculous.

Now, a hamster is
not that important.

Don't you see it's
not "just a hamster"

it's the fact that I was wrong.

Arthur.

Twice in ten years.

Will you talk to him, Walter?

A son doesn't want
a father who's wrong.

It's not important whether
you're right or wrong.

Oh, yes it is.

That's one thing I
learned at home.

Don't ever be wrong.

I remember I was
sitting at the kitchen table.

Mother was fixing dinner.

Father had just
come home for dinner.

Father had just come
home for dinner from work.

I remember his very words.

He said, "Son,"

he never could remember my name.

"Son, if we hung
everybody that made

the same mistake twice,

they wouldn't do that again."

Arthur come on now.

It's not the hamster
you're upset about.

Don't you think it's time
for you and your son

to forgive and forget?

I can't forgive him.

Oh, why not?

He wasn't wrong,

I was.

Arthur?

Arthur, is this a good sign?

Oh my God, he's not
moving very much.

Shake the box a little.

Wiggle his legs.

Maybe we could tie
tiny wires to his paws.

Will you stop that, Arthur?

You act as though
you're son will never speak

to you again if a hamster dies.

You are not a m*rder*r, Arthur,

or anything like that.

You are a good, kind person.

I made Ian put that
hamster in the trunk.

Because you thought that
was the right thing to do,

just like you wanted
Arthur Jr. to go

into the army
because you thought

that was the right thing.

In those days, a
lot of people thought

that was the best thing to do.

So what?

People are wrong all the time.

Smart people, dumb people,

wrong is part of being alive.

You don't have to be right

to tell Arthur Jr.
That you miss him.

What do you think, I'm stupid?

You don't love your
father because he's smart.

I did.

What was so smart
about your father?

He couldn't even
remember your name.

Walter.

Arthur, what Walter means is...

you don't love someone
because he's smart,

or right, or perfect.

You love your son
because he's your son.

Oh, sure, there was a time
when you disagreed with him

when you just couldn't
see things his way.

Every father does that,

but now that's over,
and you love him,

and you miss him.

You know, it's
almost ten years ago,

and he hasn't changed a bit.

He's still tall.

I'll bet he's a fine young man.

He is. He's a carpenter,
did you know that?

Always was good with his hands.

He could fix anything.

The high school used to say,

"If Arthur Harmon Jr.
Can't fix it, it's not broken."

Arthur, why don't you call him?

I wouldn't know what to say.

Tell him you miss him.

I don't know. It seems so weak.

Arthur, he is 29 years old.

He doesn't need
you to be strong.

He just needs you

and you need him.

Can't you admit that?

Sometimes, he gets up
in the middle of the night

just to look at
Arthur Jr.'s picture.

That's just remembering the
good times we used to have.

He'd hop up and down
in his crib when I read him

from my medical journals.

He'd hold his hands
out to me like this.

He'd called me "sasa."

He couldn't say sir yet.

We used to go fishing
when he got older.

He loved to fish.

We used to go ice fishing
at this time of the year.

We'd probably be out there now,

cutting holes in
the ice out there

where the big ones are hiding.

Why don't you call him?

Come on, pick up
the phone and call him.

I'll bet they have good
fishing up in Canada.

Walter, you are the
greatest salesman

since Jimmy Cranshaw.

Who's that?

My first date in senior high.

How's our patient doing?

Oh, he seems to be doing... oh.

Is he ready for another brandy?

I think you can cut him off.

Oh.

No.

It can't be.

It's not fair.

I was feeling so good.

I did everything right.

He was breathing,
he looked better.

Didn't he look better?

For a hamster.

Grandpa.

Oh no.

What'll I say?

Hide the box.

Tell him Hinky
went out for a walk.

Tell him... tell him...

Arthur...

you have to talk to him.

Did you made Hinky better?

Ian...

the hamster is dead.

I'm sorry, son.

I shouldn't have made
you put him in the trunk.

I'd give anything to make Hinky

come back to life again.

Anything.

Don't cry anymore,
Grandpa, please.

I was wrong, Ian.

And now, Hinky's dead.

It's all right,

we can get another
hamster, can't we?

Just don't cry anymore.

You mean you don't hate
me because I was wrong?

Huh?

He doesn't hate me
because I was wrong.

Arthur, don't you
have a call to make?

Hey, Ian.

I got an idea.

Listen, why don't
we call up Canada

and talk to your dad,
what do you say?

We can break the
news about Hinky,

or we can tell him
that everybody's fine,

we had a good trip down, and...

we love him very much.

You're not going
to cry, are you?

Because that'll just
make daddy cry.

We'll try not to cry.

Look, why don't we
all go out to the kitchen

and have some cocoa and cookies?

Oh, we can read
Phillip's psychology book,

I hear it's really dirty.

Hello, Arthur?

It's your dad.

How's everything, son?

"Maude" was
recorded on videotape

before a studio audience.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪