06x13 - Finders Keepers

[bunniefuu]

* Sometimes
the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kind of change

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *

Washington, Washington,
Washington.

Lincoln, Lincoln, bo-bincon,
banana-fanna, fo-finkin.

Me-my mo-mincon, Lincoln.

Hi, Balki.
Cousin! Cousin!

How much? Five dollars?

Ten dollars?
Well, I don't know.

Oh, my Lord!

Where did you find it?

Well, it's an interesting story.

I found it at Sixth and Main
behind the abandoned building

that used to be the headquarters

of the International
Lambada Association.

I never did figure out
why that dance never caught on.

It was so sort of, so sort of...

So primal, so deep-seated.

And the best part was,
you didn't have to wear a shirt.

So at the end of the night,
you didn't have them
sticky pittys.

Balki!

Was there a name on the box?
No.

Was there anyone around
when you found the box?

No.
So there was no name.

No one was around,
there's no way

to identify the rightful owner?

No, no and no.

You are a genius.

We are rich.
Ow!

Cousin, aren't you
forgetting something?

Yes, yes, technically,
technically you are rich.

But you're gonna share,
aren't you?

I mean, after all,
we are family.

We're close.
What's yours is mine.

Cousin, listen to me.
We share everything.

Cousin, I'm going to return
the money to its rightful owner.

Well, of course we'll try
to find the rightful owner.

But I gotta warn you, Balki.
It's not gonna be easy.

Well, of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.

But I think it might be easier
with this newspaper ad I wrote.

"I found a big box of money.

"I live at 711, Caldwell.

"Apartment 209.

"Please come
and get the money."

Well, Balki, you found
the money, you wrote the ad.

I can't let you do everything.

I'll take care of this.

Oh, cousin,
you're too good to me.

I know.
Oh!

Bartokomous, I can't tell you
how upset I was

when I lost that money.

If you hadn't mentioned at work
that you found it

I don't know
what I would have done.

Oh, Mr. Gorpley,
I'm so relieved to find out

that the money's going to go
to its rightful owner.

It, it would have been
terrible--

Give me the box.
Okay.

Here you are, Mr. Gorpley.
No.

[PANTING]

Too much caffeine?

Balki, what are you doing?

Well, cousin, you're not
going to believe this

but out of all the millions
of people that live in Chicago

this money belongs
to our own Mr. Gorpley.

You're right.
I don't believe it.

What? Just stay
out of this, Appleton.

But, but, cousin, cousin,
this is Mr. Gorpley's money

that he was saving
for his mother's operation.

There is no operation
and Gorpley never had a mother.

Mr. Gorpley, is this true?

You never had a mother?

Does this mean you have
no belly button?

All right,
all right, all right.

You win.

We'll split the money
three ways.

I got a better idea. Get out.

How about 80/20?

Goodbye!

[PANTING]

You see that, Balki?

That is what greed
can do to a person.

Disgusting!

I'll say.

There are a lot of
dishonest people out there

who would love to get
their hands on this money.

And that is why we have
to be very, very careful.

That is why I'm gonna take
this money to the police.

The police? No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

Why not, cousin?
Why not?

Well, uh, well, uh, uh...

There's about fifty thousand
dollars in this box?

That is correct.

I never thought of that.

I know you never
thought of that.

But the police will
think of that.

And when you take this money
to them, they'll say

"What happened to the other
fifty thousand dollars?"

And what will you say?

Uh, I, I just tell them that,
that this, this is

is all the money that,
that I, I found and

and somebody else must have
find the rest of it.

Oh, oh! And you expect them
to believe that?

Well, I, I pray they will.

Well, they won't.

They won't.

They'll want the other
fifty thousand dollars.

Now, do you have
that kind of money?

No, I--
Do you?

No, I--
Do you?

I don't have
that kind of money.

Well, then the police
will have no choice

but to send you to prison.

[PANTING]

Do you want
to go to prison?

No! I don't want
to go to prison.

Do you want to go to prison?

No, I don't want
to go to prison.

No, I don't want to take
this money to the police.

You'll have to go to prison.

Are you sure? Are you sure?

No! Please! Please! Please!

Don't make me take
the money to the police.

[PANTING]

All right!

[SOBBING]

All right, we won't
take the money to the police.

Thank you!

You're welcome.

You better safeguard this.

We'll just do
what the police would do.

We'll keep the money
in a safe deposit box
for 30 days.

And if the rightful owner
doesn't claim it

it will be ours.

We get it. All of it.
Every cent.

then we give it to him, right?

We'll cross that bridge
when we come to it.

Wait, no, no. No, you don't.
Excuse me, excuse me--

The important thing is
we kept you out of prison.

Oh, God!

Cousin, it's been 29 days
since I found the money

and we still haven't found
the rightful owner.

And I'm just sick thinking that

we may never find
the rightful owner.

I know.

I'm sick about it, too.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Cousin, this could be the one.

Keep your eyes crossed.

I've come to claim the box.

Oh, please, please come in.

Come in.

[PANTING]

Uh, could you,
could you identify it?

Yes, it was
a green cardboard box

about this size

and it was filled with money.

Lots and lots of money.

My money.

For the last time,
you are not getting the money.

Now, b*at it!

Tell you what.

Goodbye.

Cousin, am I alone here

or is that man a dead ringer
for Mr. Gorpley?

You're alone here.

the rightful owner
of that money.

We're going to have
to accept the sad fact

that in 24 hours,
that money will be ours.

I'm sorry.

Cousin, we have one more
person we have to see.

I really liked the sound
of his voice on the phone.

I, I have
a good feeling about him.

Balki, all we've seen
so far have been

fakes, phonies and impostors.

I doubt this guy's gonna be
any different.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Go ahead, Balki.
Let the next liar in.

Hello, I'm Father Killion.

I've come to talk
about the box you've found.

I'm hoping it's the box I lost.

Well, please, come in
and sit down.

I know it's a long sh*t.

But I've looked everywhere

and by some miracle,
I came across your ad

in a copy of Stockyard
and Slaughterhouse monthly.

Cousin, I thought you were going
to put the ad in a newspaper.

The Stockyard
and Slaughterhouse
monthly is a newspaper.

All right, padre!

How do I know you're a priest?

How many books
in the Old Testament
begin with S?

You don't know, do you?
Do you? You have no idea.

Cousin! Please, stop it!

This is a man
of the loincloth.

I'm Balki Bartokomous.
I'm the one who found the box.

I'm so happy that you did.

You see, our parish was having
a festival to raise money

for our orphanage
and I lost the box.

Orphanage?

You know, we have heard some
pretty low, devious stories.

But yours takes the cake.

If I could just see the box

I could tell you
if it's mine or not.

Well, it's not gonna be
that easy.

Why don't you describe
your lost box?

Well, it was a small,
green cardboard box

about two feet by three feet.

And it had fifty thousand,
two hundred
and thirty four dollars

in cash, that was wrapped
with red rubber bands.

Oh, and two dollars and
seventy-three cents in change

in a small velvet bag
in one corner of the box.

What color was the velvet bag?

Blue.
There's a million blues.

What kind of blue?
Light blue? Dark blue?

Periwinkle.
He's guessing.

Cousin, would you please?

Have you taken
leave of your sinuses?

I think we've found
the rightful owner.

Yeah, great.

I am so relieved...

...because we'll lose
the orphanage

with that final payment.

Well, uh, Father Killion

we have your money
in a safe deposit box.

And we'll just, uh,
get to the bank

and get the money to you
before five o'clock.

You're fine, good young men
and I can't thank you enough.

I'm sure you must be
disappointed

But I assure you,
you will be richly rewarded.

I'll be back later
this afternoon.

Did you hear that, Balki?

We are going to be
richly rewarded.

Yeah, that, too. So...

How much do you think
the reward will be, huh?

Figure a minimum
of ten percent.

That means
five thousand dollars.

I'll just get the key
to the safety deposit box

and we'll go to the bank.

Oh, boy. What a day, huh?

I mean, we saved an orphanage.

Can you imagine?
I can just see it.

Someday down the line, they...

...they put up a plaque to us.

"This orphanage saved by
Balki and Cousin Larry."

Oh! It's just...
I... It's just...

Balki?
Yeah?

I can't find the suit
I put the key in.

Suit?

Yes.

Not the blue pin-striped suit

with the clam sauce
on the lapel?

Yes. Yes, that's the one.

Where is it?

I haven't seen it.

No! No! No. No, no, no!

You, you wouldn't hurt
a man with a lamb, would you?

Oh, he's a sweet little lamb.
Just a sweetie.

Just a sweet little lamb, yes.

Where is it?

I, I donated it to
the Good Neighbor Thrift Shop.

No!
Yes.

Hello? Is this
the Good Neighbor Thrift Shop?

Well, this is Balki
Bartokomous and I...

Yes, yes! I'm the one
who hugged you.

Did you ever
get rid of that cold?

Well, I told you,
you got to bulk up on the C

and the garlic tabs.

Cousin, I'm just trying
to be polite.

Ask him.
It's a her.

Hello? No, no, it's nothing.

The cat had a hairball.

Anyway, eh, the suit was
a blue pin-striped suit.

Yes! Yes, the, the pants were
a little on the short side.

Well, find out where it is.
Okay.

Hello? Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Oh, uh-huh.

Well, okay. Thank you very much
and take care of that cold.

Cousin, good news.
I know where your suit is.

Where?
Mr. Wilson is wearing it.

Oh, thank you! Thank you!
Thank you! Where is he?

Beakman's Funeral Home.

He's being buried
this afternoon.

[ORGAN MUSIC]

Get the key.

[SOBBING]

Get the key. It's in
the inside breast pocket.

Are you sure?

Ladies and gentlemen,
would you please
take your seats?

We are about to begin.

Did you get it?
No.

Cousin, why we don't just
tell the family the truth

and get the key?

Oh, good idea, Balki.

I'll just save
my condolences.

Family, friends.

We are here today
to mourn the passing

of, of, of, uh...

[SOBBING AND SNIFFLING]

...Fred Wilson.

[SOBBING]

Oh, oh, oh.
No, no, no, don't cry.

Don't cry. I, I know just
what you're going through.

On Mypos, when we're grieving,
we make a mud sculpture

of the deceased
and by the time the rains come

we've pretty much gotten it
out of our systems.

Look at them.

They don't care about him.

That's his ex-wife.

She sold all his clothes.

Fred had style and class.

He wouldn't be caught dead
in a suit like that.

And we will all miss him
in our own personal way.

You were a friend
of Mr. Wilson's?

Oh, I was more than a friend.

I was his paralegal

his financial adviser,
his masseuse.

[BLOWING NOSE]

It sounds like
you were very close.

Yeah. Oh, and you are?
Oh, I am Balki.

Oh!
And this is my cousin Larry.

A pleasure. Uh, were you
friends of Fred's?

I never met him.
We were friends. I...

I'd give him
the clothes off my back.

Aw!

Before we end the service,

would anyone like to say a few
kind words about Mr. Wilson?

Well, if no one has
anything to say

that will conclude the service.

[ORGAN MUSIC]

No.

I'd like to say
a few words about Ted.

Fred!
Fred!

Oh, your muscles
are so tense.

Uh, I could
help you with that.

Does this tension come from
the stress of a high paying job?

Fred was...

...a hard man to know.

Not many people knew Fred...

...like me.

Well, Fred knew, well...

All I know is Fred is gone
and we will miss him.

[SOBBING]

Oh!

I think it's safe
to say that...

...longer than I did.

But does that mean that...

Yes! The key.

The key
to understanding Fred...

...is in the...
Pockets of his soul.

Let us bow our heads
in a moment of silence

in honor of Mr. Wilson.

Balki, let's go.
Oh, no, cousin.

I... I can't leave now.

This woman is giving
new meaning to the phrase...

[MOANS]

We are leaving, now!
Ah!

Sorry, gotta run.

We're blocking the hearse.

I have just enough time
to get this to the bank

and make that payment.

You've made many orphans
very happy.

Oh, Father Killion!

I baked some cookies
for the orphans.

Oh, thank you.
You know, Father.

Uh, uh, aren't, aren't you
forgetting something?

I believe you said
we would be richly rewarded.

Well, I was speaking
in terms of spiritual reward.

Spiritual reward?

I robbed a dead man
to get that money.

Cousin, we saved
an orphanage.

Don't you feel good?

Yeah, I guess.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I'm here about the money.