06x17 - Speak, Memory

[bunniefuu]

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feelin'

* Like you need
some kind of change

* No matter what
the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* And a long-lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standin' tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* And nothing's gonna
stop me now *

How's the English homework
coming, Balki?

Oh, it's coming along
real good.

Well, paint me gold
and call me Oscar.

I thought you said you'd never
eat Myposian food again

after you found out
I make my shoo-fly pie

with real shoes
and real flies.

This is Myposian food?

Yes, it's Moon Chados Stiki
Chiki Bizzi Buzz Buzz.

Moon Chados Stiki
Chiki Bizzi Buzz Buzz?

That means
honey glazed chicken.

That's all this is,
honey glazed chicken?

That's all it is.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

of the honey with
the tartness of yak bile.

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

Oh, Larry,
I have to talk to you.

Well, Jennifer,
what's wrong?

I have terrible news.

My mother's coming to town
and she wants to meet you.

Well, Jennifer,
I'd love to meet
your mother.

But, Larry,
you don't understand.

Well, then
she'll like
Cousin Larry.

Balki,
you're not helping.
What?

Larry, I'd marry you even
if Mother didn't like you

but it would be
so much better if she did.

Then I wouldn't have to
defend you all the time.

Jennifer, don't worry.
You forget, I'm a reporter.

A wordsmith,
a weaver of verbal magic.

I'll make your
mother think

then we'll be married
and the truth won't matter.

Well, you're right.

I mean, what was I
so worried about?

Oh, Larry, what could Mother
possibly find wrong with you?

I mean, you're not at all like
the other men I used to date.

You're not always stopping
to sign autographs

like the baseball player.

Not always being called away
like the heart surgeon.

Not always being summoned
to the White House

like the Congressman.

like the football player.

Oh, Larry,
I feel much better.

Now, don't worry.
Your mother is gonna love me.

Bye, Larry.

Bye, bye.

Her mother
hated a Congressman!

Why did you do that?
Cousin, I had no choice.

You know how these things
always end.

You jump to
absurd conclusions.

You paint an outlandish picture
of what your life would be like.

You get hysterical,
you start to diaper-ventilate

and then
who has to slap you

Well, tonight
I don't have time
for the full-length version.

I've got participles
dangling over there

so, I just cut
to the chase.

Balki, don't you see
what's happening here?

Cousin, don't
make me do this.

Balki, her mother hated
a big-league ball player.

I didn't get a hit in three
years of Little League!

Cousin, I'm gonna...
Just don't make me do this.

Balki, I am doomed.
I don't have a prayer.

A prayer, that's it!

No, that's not it.
All the world loves a clown!

I'll become a clown!

You're right.

Oh, po, po, po, po.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Bartokomous.

I told you before,

all letters from my ex-wife

are supposed to be
filed...here.

I'm sorry, Mr. Gorpley.

Usually her letters
come through the window
tied to a brick.

I better get that.

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, hi, Jennifer!

No, Cousin Larry's not here.

Uh, I don't know
why he's never around

when your life
is falling apart.

Oh, okay.

Okay, I'll tell him.

Bye.

Bad news for Appleton?

I love bad news.

Well, then
you're in for a treat.

Jennifer's mother is coming
to town earlier than expected

and so Cousin Larry
has to have dinner with them

tonight instead of Thursday

and I, I hope
he don't get too upset.

He don't adjust
to change very well.

Yeah, well, if you were
any kind of Sports Department

you'd give more coverage
to American Gladiators.

Jerks.

Hey, Appleton,
your girlfriend called.

You two are having dinner
with her mother tonight.

Tonight?

Oh! Cousin! Cousin!
Are you all right?

Oh.
Well.

Of course, he's all right.

He landed on his head.

I think I'm all right.
I... Ow!

Cousin,
where does it hurt?
Ow!

Who are you?

Cousin, do you
remember me?

I don't remember anything.

Nothing?
Nothing.

Then you owe me 20 bucks.

I'll just take it out
of your wallet.

I have to get him
to the hospital.

I can get to the hospital
myself.

How do I
get outta here?
Oh, cousin.

I'll take you
to the hospital myself.

Where did you say
it hurts?
Well, I... Ouch!

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Is your, is your,
is your headache gone?

Yes.

Okay.

Your name is
Cousin Larry Appleton.

Cousin Larry Appleton.

Now you.
U-uh-huh!

My name is
Cousin Larry Appleton.

Relax the jaw,
relax the jaw.

My name is
Cousin Larry Appleton.

BOTH: Cousin Larry Appleton.

Hello, my name is
Cousin Larry Appleton...

Hello, my name is Cousin...

BOTH: Larry Appleton.

How are you?
Fine.

No.

You think my own name
would sound familiar?

Well, Cousin, don't worry
about the, the...

The doctor said
your own memory will,
will come back in,

in just a, a few hours.

He, he X-rayed your head
and found nothing.

He said, he said you're fine,
you're just fine.

You've never been better
except you don't know

who you are from a hole
in the ground.

My name is...

BOTH: Cousin Larry Appleton.

Good, good,
and relaxing the jaw.

My name is Cousin...

Hello.
Hello.

BOTH: My name is
Cousin Larry Appleton.

How are you?

Fine.
No.

I, I know my name,
but I, I don't know
anything else.

I don't know
where I, I live

or where I work,
I mean...

Tell me about me.

Oh, where does one begin?

You were born
in Madison, Wisconsin.

You live in this apartment.

I'm your best friend.

You work at the
Chicago Chronicle

and, when you think
no one is listening

you gargle to the
tune of Moon River.

I gargle to the
tune of Moon River?

Yeah.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I think I'm starting
to remember.
Do we...

Do we work with
a man named, named
Mr., Mr., Mr. Porkly?

Uh, Mr., Mr. Headley?
No, just, just...

Mr. Gorpley.
Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, oh, yeah,
and, and, and...

I'm Larry Appleton?
Yes.

Yes!
Oh, of course you know.

Oh, your memory bank
is no longer overdrawn.
This is wonderful.

Oh!
Oh!

Phew, what a relief.

Cousin, so good
to have you back.

Oh, it is good
to be back.

I love strong coffee.

Well, I know you do.

Well.

Oh, boy, I... I must have
taken quite a spill?

[CHUCKLES] For a minute there,
I couldn't remember anything.

Oh, born in Madison,
I work at the Chronicle.

Gargle to Moon River.
[CHUCKLES] It's all back.

Oh, boy!

The human brain
is one amazing little gizmo.

Sugar?

Who are you and why are you
calling me "Sugar?"

[SOBBING]

Lost what?

Who am I?

Who are you?

Is there some reason you're
dressed like the Cisco Kid?

I'm trying to make
a fashion statement.

Well, I'm sorry if
I insulted you, but...

I-I don't remember who I am.

And I don't know
if I ever will.

Now, cousin,
just don't worry.

The doctor said
that your memory

before you
get it back for good.

He said it happens
all the time

I'm testifying
before Congress?

No, No, No, No.
What have I done?

Calm down.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

Okay, now.

Your name is
Cousin Larry Appleton...

My, my name is
Cousin Larry Appleton...

Come on, relax the jaw.

My name is, my name is...

BOTH: Cousin Larry Appleton.

BOTH:
Cousin Larry Appleton.

Hello.
Hello.

My name is
Cousin Larry Appleton...

Hello, my name is...

BOTH:
Cousin Larry Appleton.

How are you?
Fine.

Oh, God.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

Okay, you were born

in Madison, Wisconsin.

I, I work at the
Chicago Chronicle and...

[GARGLING]

* We're after

* The same river... *

I got it.
I remember,
I remember.

I, I'm, Larry Appleton.

I, I was born in
Madison, Wisconsin.

I work at the Chronicle
and I even remember

how many girls I asked
to the senior prom. 12.

And I remember
how many turned me down.

Thirteen.

One girl just came right up
to me in the cafeteria
and said,

"Don't even think
of asking me to the prom."

A little unnecessary,
don't you think?

Well, she might
have had a good reason.

Were you eating
at the time?

I was merely using that story
to illustrate the fact

that I remember
every detail of my life.

Well, that's good,
Cousin.

with Jennifer
and her mother tonight?

Oh, my Lord!

I have to have dinner
with Jennifer's mother!

What... Well, Balki.
She hated a heart surgeon!

What am I gonna do?
My life is over!

Cousin, you're hysterical.
Do you remember
how I bring you out of this?

No! I'm fine.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

All right. Name?
Larry Appleton.

Place of birth?
Madison, Wisconsin.

Address?
I know where we live.

You're bluffing.

Balki, please,
I am fine.

I have had my memory
for four solid hours now.

So, just, please.

You didn't have to
drive me here.

Let me just check and see if
your pupils are annihilated.

Open wide.
Nice and wide.

Say "Ahh." Give me
a nice big "Ahh."

Aaahhhh.

Now you need to depress
the back of your tongue.

Balki, please.

about my temporary
memory loss.

She'd only worry.
So, just please,
don't tell her anything.

All right, all right,
I won't tell her anything.

All right.

Just stop!

They're here.
Who are you?

Oh, God!
Who am I?

Larry, what are you
doing out here?

Mother's waiting
to meet you.

Well...

If she's anything like you
I would love to meet her.

Larry, what's
going on here?

Uh, Jennifer, I hate to be
the wearer of bad news,

but Cousin Larry
had an accident today.

He fall down the stairs,
he bonk his head,

and, and then he lose his memory
and then it come back,

but every time he needs it
it goes away again.

Well, I'm fine.

and get to know each other.

Larry, we do know each other.
We're engaged.

You're gonna marry me?
Yes.

Balki, if Mother sees
Larry in this condition

she'll never approve
of me marrying him.

You're gonna marry me?

Maybe.

What am I
gonna tell Mother?

He fall down the stairs,
he bonk his head,
he lose his memory,

and now he don't know
who he is from
a hole in the ground.

The truth always works.

Not this time,
I used the amnesia excuse

for one of my
old boyfriends.

Well, wait a minute.
We need your
mother's approval?

Yes.
Well, we can
make this work.

I have a plan.

Well, this could work!
I'll, I'll just
make small talk.

And if your mother
wants to know
something about me

you and Balki
can tell her.

Excuse me, Balki.

Listen, the point is
we can make this work.

It's worth a sh*t!
Come on!

All right, now,
remember, Blakely...

Balki.
When we...
Yeah, whatever.

If I get stuck for a fact,
you just jump right in

and then give me the answer.
But don't make it obvious.

You know, try to
lead me to the right answer.

You think you can
handle that?

I'm the one with the
fully-functioning brain.

Guys, this is my mother,
Catherine Lyons.

Mother, this is Larry.
Hello.

I'm delighted to meet you.
Thank you.

And this is Balki,
Larry's cousin.

Hello.

Isn't that nice,
he brought his cousin with him.

We're insufferable.

Jennifer has, uh, told me
so much about you, Mrs, uh...

Mrs, uh... Mrs, uh...

King of the jungle.

King of the jungle.

Mrs. Tarzan.
No.

Uh, Lyons. Mrs. Lyons.

Mrs. Lyons.

Cousin Larry would, uh,
forget his own name

if I hadn't sewn it
into his underwear.

Balki's exaggerating,
Mother.

Of course, he's exaggerating.

I have an excellent memory.

Hello.

My name is
Cousin Larry Appleton.

Larry, stop joking.

Mother will think you're not
serious about marrying me.

Serious?
Well, of course I'm serious.

Who wouldn't want to marry
a woman as lovely as Jessica?

Jennifer.
Jennifer.

My dream is to make her

Mrs. Cousin Larry Appleton.

Why don't we order?

Good idea. Waiter?

[SNAPS FINGERS]

I hear the food here
is very good.

Tell me, Larry, do you enjoy
working for the paper?

And what paper
would that be?

Uh, Cousin Larry

loves working
at the Chicago...

Stockyards.

You know very well
that you work at the
Chicago Chronicle.

How many years
have you been there?

Oh, uh, uh, uh, uh...
Uh, uh...

Would you care
for an olive?

No, thanks,
Sweet gherkin?

Not really.
Try the baby corn.

Take three ears.

Three ears.

Take three ears.

Uh, three years!
Uh!

Uh, waiter!

They're right here, sir.
Oh.

Well, that was fast.

They know me here.

Menu?

Mrs. Lyons, I know
you're concerned that...

Jennifer.
...marries happily.

And I just want you
to know

Jennifer.
...happy.

That's very reassuring.

Now, why don't we
all try and relax

and have
a wonderful dinner, hmm?

Well, I think
that's a great idea.

Hello.

My name is
Cousin Larry Appleton.

Uh, waiter?

Could we get some menus?

Oh!

Have we met?

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

And I've...I've worked at
the Chronicle for three years.

Oh, Cousin, it looks like
you've got everything back.

Yeah, everything except what
happened from when I fell down

the stairs at the Chronicle

to when Jennifer's mother
stormed out of the restaurant.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Jennifer.
Uh, Mrs. Lyons.

Larry, I explained everything
to Mother and she understands.

You do?

Well, uh, uh, sort of.

Jennifer told me about
your temporary amnesia

and that seemed to explain
most of your bizarre behavior.

I mean, you seem
pleasant enough.

You have a decent job

and there's
a certain desperation

in your eyes

Welcome to the family.

Thanks, Mom.

Call me Mrs. Lyons.

Good news. Uh...

After Jennifer marries
Cousin Larry then...

Then you will be
my aunt-in-law
five times removed.

Oh, my!

I'm so glad
everything worked out.

Well, we have to
get Mother to the airport.

Bye, Larry.

Jennifer, are you sure
about this marriage?

I'm sure.

Have we met?

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]