[THEME MUSIC]
* Sometimes the world
looks perfect
* Nothing to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
get a feeling
* Like you need
some kind of change
* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way
* This flame in my heart
* Like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dream
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder
the wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* And nothing's gonna
stop me now
BALKI:
Look at this, Ms. Lydia.
I'm running for
Student Body President
at the Chicago City College.
Ah!
Balki, that's terrific.
Yeah.
How's it going?
Oh, just as sleazy as pie.
Just like campaigning
on Mypos.
All you have to do
is make sure
that everyone knows
how you feel
about the important issues.
that I'm pro-sheep
and anti-wolf.
Coming out against wolves
is a good start, Balki.
But, uh, maybe you should ask
Larry to help you.
Yeah.
that I'm, that I'm running.
Oh, well, if you tell him,
I'm sure he'd help you
with your campaign,
why don't you ask him?
[CHUCKLES]
Well, because if I, uh
if I ask Cousin Larry
to help me
with my campaign,
um, I'm sort of afraid
Cousin Larry will
help me
with my campaign.
Uh, I don't know
if you've noticed
but Cousin Larry
he's trying
to be helpful
but-but he tends
to go overboard.
He's kind of
a type-A personality.
So, I-I-I beg of you
please, promise me,
you won't tell Cousin Larry?
A team of wild horses
couldn't drag it out of me.
Thank you, Ms. Lydia.
Of course, the sweaty cowboy
pulling the reins
might have a sh*t.
Hi, Balki.
Oh, I see you're running
for Student Body President.
Oh, good luck
with your campaign--
no matter what you do,
there is absolutely
no way that I'm...
What did you just say?
I said, "Good luck
with your campaign."
Well, bang my bongos
and call me Daisy.
You mean to say that, that
you're not gonna force yourself
into my campaign and,
and then go overboard
and make yourself
a royal pain in the boingi?
Oh!
Oh, I see.
I see, you think
because I lost
every campaign
I managed in school
that I would see your campaign
as my last chance
to be a winner.
You lost every single campaign?
Uh, it used to bother me,
but I'm over it.
Those 120 hours
of self-help tapes cured me.
to win just once.
So...good luck.
I hope you win.
Wait one
finger-lickin' moment.
Are you telling me
that we can discuss this
and your eyes won't
bulge out of your head
and that vein in your forehead
won't start throbbing?
Oh, sure.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, that syndrome
is covered in tapes
one through 43,
"Coping and being at peace
with your body."
"My body is like a hollow reed.
Troubles blow through me
like the wind."
[INHALES]
[WHISTLES]
Okay.
Uh, well, cousin, I...
I'm glad you've
weathered that storm
because I'd love to
tell you about my campaign.
Well, I'd love to
hear about it.
Well, um, if I'm elected
my goal is to reinstate
the language requirement.
That means
every student have to
take a foreign language
to graduate.
I feel that we'll all understand
each other better
if we can speak
in another man's tongue,
walk in another man's shoes
see the world through
another man's binoculars,
cure another man's ham...
I'm still fine-tuning
my platform.
You call that a platform?
Okay, here it is!
I knew it was coming!
[SPEAKING MYPOSIAN]
No, wait, no. I know.
I know.
You thought that I was
just gonna jump in and go crazy
but I was only asking,
if that's your platform.
And if it is...
...I hope it works for you.
Really?
Really.
Aw, thank you, cousin.
I haven't even started baking
my special election
spleen chip cookies.
Spleen chip cookies?
Yeah, original recipe.
And now with pimentos.
Well, well...
You know, Balki, uh,
I don't want you to think
that I'm getting involved
in your campaign
because I'm not.
Really.
But as
a disinterested bystander,
uh, would you allow me to say
that spleen chip cookies
are not gonna be enough
to, to get you elected.
Well, of course they're not.
Don't be ridiculous.
That's why each student
gets a special
"Vote for Balki"
sheep kidney coin pouch.
Oh, no, no.
Don't touch, cousin.
It's not quite dry yet.
Balki, sheep kidney coin
pouches and spleen chip cookies
with or without pimentos,
may work on Mypos
but in America,
you need slogans
buttons, posters,
position papers.
We have got to set up
meetings with the voters.
We're gonna have to,
did I say "We?"
Because I meant "You."
You.
This is your campaign.
Not mine. I wouldn't do it.
[CHUCKLES]
I put all that behind me.
[CHUCKLES]
No, no way. No how.
Not in a million years.
Don't need it, don't want it,
wouldn't do it,
not this guy.
You want in,
don't you, cousin?
Please, please, please.
Okay, okay. You can be
my campaign manager.
Oh, thank you!
Thank you! Thank you!
But you have to
promise me one thing.
Anything.
You won't go overboard.
I promise
I won't go overboard.
Oh.
[DRUM BEATS]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Balki, I'm glad you're here.
Let me show you
around campaign headquarters.
You promised me, you were
not going to go overboard.
And here you are
scraping barnacles
off the Titanic!
Balki, this is just
a bare minimum.
We have posters
with your picture
we're putting up
all over campus.
We have people calling students
urging them to vote for you.
We have volunteers
stuffing campaign literature
into envelopes.
"Dear fellow student..."
No time now.
You can read
what you said later.
Have you noticed
how handsome you look
in the poster?
Oh, cousin,
it's a real Kojak moment.
Now, over here,
we are tallying
the latest results
of a poll we've just taken.
I want to know how much
of a lead I have built for you.
I'm good, Balki.
I am really good.
Balki, this is so exciting.
And I'm gonna be
First Girlfriend.
I've recruited
Jennifer and Mary Anne
Oh, I'm gonna speak
on your behalf
at the women
in College Foundation.
And I'm talking
to the cheerleaders.
I speak their language.
Give me a B!
ALL: B!
Give me an A!
ALL: A!
Give me an L!
ALL: L!
That's good. Save it, save it,
save it for the rally.
Cousin, are all
of these people
going to stay to dinner?
and you know how hard
it is to stretch snout.
Balki, they're not
staying for dinner.
These are your campaign
working volunteers.
They believe in you.
They love you.
[CHUCKLES]
Now, your job
is just to be yourself.
Just...be Balki.
You think you can handle that?
Well, of course I can.
Don't be ridiculous.
I've got the vest, the accent
and 26 years
of experience.
I knew you could do it.
Oh, cousin,
I'm gonna need your advice.
You've got to tell me
which vest do you think
I should wear to the debate.
What debate?
the day before the election,
isn't that great?
No debate! No debate!
Debates are a big mistake.
But, cousin, don't you think
it's a good way
to show the students
how I feel about the issues?
I've got that covered.
Don't worry about it.
Have I told you how good I am?
Twice.
Okay.
you'll be meeting
with the football team.
You'll tell them how important
you think sports are
to the school's image,
got it?
Okay, then at 10:30, you'll be
meeting with the science club.
You'll tell them, you think
education is important
and too much of the school's
budget is spent on sports.
Got it?
Too much on sports. Got it.
Okay, at noon, you'll be
meeting with the fraternities.
You'll tell them, you think
entirely too much time
is being spent in the classroom
Too much fraternity.
meeting with
the Honor Society.
not to party, and you're pushing
for Saturday classes, got it?
Okay, cousin,
small, small question
from a simple Mypiot boy.
This looks like I'm just telling
everyone what they want to hear.
Welcome to politics.
I am so proud of you.
Now, cousin,
just hold on a moment.
Are you asking me
to do something dishonest?
But, Balki,
you want to
Yes.
Well, to do that.
You're gonna have to get elected
Student Body President
and I am the man
to help you do it.
Cousin, I think
I can make my position
on all the issues
clear at the debate.
No debate!
Forget the debate!
First rule of campaigning,
do not debate!
Uh, Larry I have the results
of the latest poll.
Attention!
Attention, everybody!
Go ahead, Jennifer.
Give them the good news.
Cousin, I--
Uh, Larry, I think we should--
Balki, for the last time,
no debate! No debate!
Go ahead, Jennifer.
Tell them how far
Balki is ahead.
Balki is trailing
by fifteen points.
You're gonna have to
debate your opponent.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Balki, for the last time
you are not going to wear
the traditional
Myposian election hat!
BALKI:
Oh, is that so, is that?
Give it to me!
No!
Give it to me!
No!
Give it to me!
[BABBLING]
[PANTING]
Jennifer, Mary Anne
Balki is ready
for the mock debate.
I've groomed him,
I've prepared him.
It's taken five years
off my life.
[SOBBING]
Oh, ladies...
the next
Student Body President
of Chicago City College
Balki Bartokomous.
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, Balki, you look
so handsome in that suit.
It needs a hat.
It doesn't need a hat.
Okay, ladies,
take your seats.
Now, Balki...
[PANTING]
Remember, ahem,
presentation is key...
Right.
...to winning the debate.
Well, what do we do
to improve our presentation?
Um...
Oh! Oh!
I don't rest my hands
on the podium.
It makes me look lazy.
And, uh... Uh, and...
Uh, uh, uh, uh...
Oh! And I don't
fidget with my tie.
It, uh, it makes me
look, uh, nervous.
Uh-huh.
What else?
Heck if I know.
[GRUNTS]
Oh! I never use the phrase,
"Heck if I know."
It makes me sound,
it makes me sound chloroformed.
Uninformed.
Uninformed.
Uninformed. Okay.
Yeah. Yeah.
And...
Ee...
Oh! Uh, remember to smile.
Okay, good.
Good, good. All right.
Okay.
Jennifer, ask
the first question.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Mr. Bartokomous...
Uh-huh?
What is your position
on the financing
of student loans?
Student loans?
Boy, I wish I had a hat.
Balki!
Okay, okay, okay.
Mr. Bartokomous,
what is your position
on the financing
of student loans?
Jennifer, uh, uh, I'm glad
you asked me that question
because the financing
of student loans
um, is an issue
that deserves my attention
and, uh, and, uh,
let me assure you
that my attention
is what it will receive
in its complete
and unabridged form.
Uh, and the financing
of student loans
is actually part of,
uh, of my...
...ten point program
for better schooling.
Yes, Balki,
you are doing great!
Oh!
Ah! Ah!
Smile.
Larry, I have to talk to you,
I have something to tell you
that's going to upset you.
You've changed your mind.
You're not gonna marry me?
That's awful!
You didn't tell me that!
That's not the bad news.
Well, maybe not to you,
but think of poor Larry.
Larry, the bad...
Oh!
The bad news is
the athletes found out
They've switched their votes
to Balki's opponent.
All right, I thought
this might happen
I gotta tell Balki.
Come on, Mary Anne,
we better take our seats.
You know, it's a good thing
Larry has this campaign
to take his mind
off the broken engagement.
Balki?
The athletes have decided
to change their votes
to your opponent.
Well, people change
their minds.
Pigs, on the other hand,
make one decision
and stick with it.
[SNORTS]
Balki, don't you understand?
we're going to
lose the election.
Now I have an easy fix,
all we have to do is
lose the language thing
and they'll switch back to us.
Cousin, wait a minute.
Are you...
You know sometimes,
I think
you're just a few grapes
shy of a bunch.
Have you been listening?
I cannot lose
the language thing.
I cannot give that up.
Balki, your goal
is to get elected.
Tell them what
they want to hear.
Cousin, isn't that
just a bit dishonest?
It's the American way.
But won't
the students mind?
Mind?
They expect it!
Wait a minute...
Uh, preceding the debate
there will be
an opening statement
by each candidate.
Uh, Mr. Bartokomous, we're ready
for your opening statement.
Uh, thank you,
my fair chair lady
faculty and my worthy opponent
and students.
My name is Balki Bartokomous
of the students,
for the students
by the students.
Ah! Ah!
Ee...
Uh, if elected, I promise
to be firm, yet flexible
tough, yet vulnerable
soft, yet absorbent.
I would like to establish
a kinder, gentler cafeteria.
[APPLAUSE]
We will now open the floor
to questions
for Mr. Bartokomous.
Uh, yes, in the pink angora.
My name is Lisa Morgan.
Mr. Bar--
Hi, Lisa!
Hi.
Mr. Bartokomous
you said you wanted to be
the Education President.
But when you spoke
in front of the fraternities
you said education
was overrated.
Where do you stand?
because where I stand
uh, deserves my attention.
And I can assure you
that where I stand
'will receive my attention'
in its complete
and unabridged form.
Good answer.
Um, wait a minute.
That doesn't seem
to make any sense to--
What about the rumor
that you want us to take
some dumb language
before we graduate?
I'm glad you asked
that question
because I cannot lie to you.
Now, let me just--
Uh, uh, yes. Uh...
He has another engagement.
that, uh, if elected...
Cousin, please.
Please, I have to do this.
Listen, if you're
going to vote for me
you've got to know who I am
and what I really believe in.
My name is Balki Bartokomous
and I'm a sheepherder
from Mypos.
And yes, if I am elected
I do intend
to reinstate
the language requirement.
[BOOING]
I lost, Balki.
I lost big.
You know, I wanted
to win just once.
Cousin, would you
please stop this?
You did not lose.
I lost. I lost. I did.
I lost the election.
You're right, Balki.
You're the big loser.
And don't you forget it.
I can't believe
you're taking this so well.
You lost.
I didn't get
elected president
but I got what I wanted.
My opponent thought
that reinstating
the language requirement
was a good idea
and she's gonna push for it.
And that makes you happy?
Happy?
I'm erratic!
Oh, God!
Oh, goodness!
I lost again!
Oh, no.
I've lost 13
student elections
and the last one
I wasn't even a student!
Okay.
Oh, God.
Okay, here we go,
tape number one.
I can't belie...
"My body is a hollow reed.
"Trouble blows through me
like the wind."
[WHISTLES]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
06x19 - See How They Run
Watch/Buy Amazon
Series chronicles the relationship of Larry Appleton and his distant cousin Balki Bartokomous.
Series chronicles the relationship of Larry Appleton and his distant cousin Balki Bartokomous.