06x21 - A Catered Affair

[bunniefuu]

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kind of change

* No matter what
the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way *

* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the e nd

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dreams

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dreams

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

* I'm an old cowhand

* From the Mypos land

* And I learned to ride

* Before I learned to stand *

Balki, I'll see you later.

Jennifer and I
are going to a movie.

[SNIFFING]

[SNIFFING]

What's that smell?
I'm glad ya asked.

That's my rootin', tootin',
high falootin' Texas chili.

Yee-haw!

I'm making it
for my Western barbecue

I'm caterin' for
this Saturday night

at Gorman's Banquet Hall.

Phoo-ching!

Good for you, Balki.

They, they're gonna enjoy chili.

[CHUCKLES]

Mm...

[COUGHS]

Hot, hot, ho-ho-ho...

[PANTING]

Nice sh*t.

Thank you, partner.

Well, who are you cooking for?

Well, a, a herd of Texans

have moseyed on up here
to Chicago.

They're, uh, gettin' together

at Gorman's Banquet Hall

[LAUGHS]

You know,
I, I never thought I'd say this

but could you talk the way
you usually do?

Well, of course, I can.

Don't be rye-diculous.

Balki.
Okay, okay.

It's just kind of fun
talking in a Texan drool.

Drawl. Texas drawl.

Well, Balki,
your catering business

is really taking off.

I mean, what is this,
your fifth job in five weeks?

Well, I could have had a sixth

I didn't want to do two jobs
on the same night.

Well, why not, Balki?

you've gotta grow.

Well, I don't know, cousin, I...

Most of me stopped growing
when I was 16, although...

...I don't think
my nose got the message.

No, Balki, I'm-I'm talking
about expansion.

Okay, okay, maybe I've left
my belt out a couple of notches.

No reason to get personal,
shorty.

No, Balki, what I'm saying is

is that if you want your
catering business to succeed

you gotta start taking
more jobs.

Oh, well, I...

You know, I'm just starting out.
I want to go slow.

Well, Balki, you've got
to seize the opportunity

when it presents itself.

I'll put on some coffee.

Wait, no, no, no.
No, this, this one is short.

Is it shorter
than your Bunky McDermott story?

Yes, it's shorter
than my Bunky McDermott story.

Probably a little longer than
your Grandmama Appleton story.

Yes, it's, it's a little longer
than my Grandmama--

Okay, so it's approximately

in between
the Bunky McDermott story

and the Grandmama Appleton
narrative.

All right, Balki, Balki!

Okay, okay, tell the story.
Who's stopping you?

Uh, when I was eight--
Should I sit down for this?

When I was eight, uh...

My friend and I had this,
this little, uh, lemonade stand.

And, uh, my friend suggested
that we expand

and sell ice cream cones.

And I said, uh, "No, no.

And, uh, he went off
and sold ice cream cones.

And if I'd
listened to him, uh...

Today it would have been

Baskin-Appleton's 31 Flavors.

Well, that's a
very nice story, cousin.

And it explains why regret
eats up so much of your day.

But, uh, cousin,
when I'm ready for more work

I'll let you know.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
partner...

I gotta hightail it
down to the general store

and rustle up some fixin's

for my Myposian-Western grub.

We use real grubs, you know?

Pfff. Ah!

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Mr. Gorman?

Yeah, well, well, uh, I'm sorry,
uh, Balki just rode out.

Uh, went out. Uh, well...

Oh, you-you want him
to cater another party

on Saturday?

The Calorie Counters' Club.

Well...

Yeah, I think
he could handle that.

Yeah, uh, well, all right, let
me take down the information.

Uh, all right. Well, go ahead.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Now, now that's, uh, "Low salt,
low fat, low calorie."

I got it. Yeah, I'll make sure
Balki gets the information.

Yeah. No, thank you.

Bye-bye.

He is gonna thank me for this.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[PHONE RINGS]

Don't hang up, don't hang up.

Oh. Wait.

Don't hang up, don't hang up.

Don't hang up.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.
Bartokomous-Appleton residence.

How may I direct your call?

who caters parties
for Gorman's Banquet Hall.

Oh, come on, monsieur.

I am not the best caterer
in Chicago.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, no, I'm not.

Oh, no, I'm not.

Oh, no, I'm not.

All right, okay, okay, maybe
I'm in the top three. Um...

Uh, how can I help you?

A German party? For Saturday?

Well, uh, let me
tell you, Gunther.

You see, I already
have a job for Saturday.

And I try never to take two jobs
on the same night.

Really?

Well, uh,
that's what Cousin Larry says.

Cousin Larry.

Well, he's my best friend
and advisor.

He's, uh,
he's sort of my tormentor.

Well, maybe I could take
two jobs

on the same night.

Well, uh, well, okay. I would
love to cater your party.

Danke schoen. Thank you
for all the love and pain.

Um, let me just get
something to write on.

Okay. Okay, sh**t.

[CHUCKLES]
Yeah.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Oh, cousin,
I hope I did the right thing.

Taking two catering jobs
on one night.

I hope I'm not breading myself
too thin.

Balki, relax,
everything is fine.

We've got all the food unpacked

easy access
to the two banquet rooms.

Everything is perfect.
I'll help in the kitchen.

And Jennifer and Mary Anne
will serve.

Yeah, this is gonna be fun.

I was a waitress in high school,
but it's been a long time

since I've served people
food and drinks.

Mary Anne,
you do that every day.

You're a stewardess.

Oh, right!

Uh, why don't we put out
the silverware?

Um, where's the silverware?

Oh, okay,
the silverware is in the car.

Uh, the forks and knives
are in the glove compartment

and the spoons are in the back

next to the Garfield
stuck on the window.

Well, you see, you have
everything under control.

I knew you could do it.

Balki, the food
for the Texas barbecue

smells delicious.

Oh, thank you.

[CHUCKLES]

So what are you making
for the second party?

German food.
German food?

Uh-huh.

for Calorie Counters?

Oh, boy, you got that right.

I would never serve German food
to Calorie Counters.

[LAUGHS]
Cherish the thought.

Good. So we're in agreement.

Well, you got that right.

So what are you really serving
to the second party?

Um, wiener schnitzel
and sauerbraten

with goatwurst pate.

Wiener schnitzel, sauerbraten
with goatwurst pate?

Isn't that high in calories?

Not to mention,
loaded with cholesterol.

Well, then why are you
serving it to Calorie Counters?

Cousin, I'm not serving it
to Calorie Counters,

I'm serving it to Germans.

W-w-wait, wait, wait.

Let's concentrate
for, for just a minute here.

Party number one is Texans.
Texans.

Party number two is...

Germans.
Calorie Counters.

CROWD: [CHANTING]
We want food, we want food!

we want food!

[BOTH]
Oh, my Lord!

Well, I hope you're happy.

Now we're up the creek
without a poodle!

How could you book a party
for me without telling me?

I left you a note!

How was I to know it wasn't
the party I booked for you?

Well, I didn't see your note!

You think I have ESPN?

Okay, we have the silverware.
Everything's ready.

Everything's ready for two party

but unfortunately,
we have three.

Larry!

Well, don't worry, I have...

BALKI, JENNIFER, MARY ANN:
Oh, God!

...a plan!

and serve all three parties
using the food for two.

Cousin, we cannot give
the Calorie Counters this food.

It wouldn't be good
for their diets.

Well, so we serve them some food

with a little salt
and a little fat.

Have you seen them?

What difference
will one meal make?

[COUNTRY MUSIC]

Balki...

just ready to chow down.

Well, Billy Joe Bob

Their grubs are on their way.

[LAUGHING]

Yee-haw!

[CHEERING]

We'll serve the Texans first.

Where's the costumes?
Uh, oh, girls.

Your hats are right
under there, under the counter.

Oh.
All right.

Remember, Balki, small portions.

Okay.

Balki, stop!

[COUNTRY MUSIC]

All right,
we'll serve the Germans next.

Okay, well,
what about the Calorie Counters?

All right, well, we'll...

and serve it
to the Calorie Counters.

Uh... Okay, cousin,
we'll try it.

We'll try it your way
because, surely

out of 347 plans you've had...

...one should work.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

* Bratwurst here *
* Goatwurst there *

* That's what the Germans
eat tonight *

* And we serve it up
with pride *

* We can serve the second
course without a lapse *

* Can we even do the strudel
and the schnapps? *

* Uh-huh! Clever young chaps
* Clever young chaps

* 'Cause presentation's all

* For the cowboys Germans
Calorie Counters

* Gorman's Banquet Hall
* Gorman's Banquet Hall

* Ah-ha-ha woh-ho-ho
* Ah-ha-ha woh-ho-ho

* Oh aha-ha-ha-ha *

Oh!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Thanks, Jennifer.
I got away just in time.

All right,
time to feed the Germans.

Okay.

Oh. Um...

Now remember, Balki, go easy

on the sauerkraut
and the wiener schnitzel.

Okay.

Okay, now this time
let's not get separated.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Cousin,
we are running this kitchen

like a well-soiled machine.

We want food!
Excuse me.

We want food!
Excuse me.

Excuse me!

We Calorie Counters
are getting quite hungry.

We've finished with our
tart and tangy tropical nectar.

It was very good

but it tasted
a lot like sauerkraut juice.

When do we eat?

Uh, just soon,
soon, very soon.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh!

Ooh!

Now, remember, uh, one
of the tricks
to losing weight

is to eat slowly.

Yeah. Well, please hurry.

Some of us haven't eaten
since lunch!

CROWD:
We want food! We want food!

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Balki, my little freund!

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Uh, cousin,
uh, Gunther seems happy.

I think, I think he's
experiencing fahrvergnugen.

Ja, fahrvergnugen.
Ja, ja, fahrvergnugen.
Ja, ja.

Ja, and the party is wunderbar
und the food, wunderbar.

Now we are ready
for more food

and more frauleins!

Ah!
Va-va-va voom!

[CHUCKLES]
Auf wiedersehen!

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

All right, Mary Anne, Jennifer,
take care of the Germans.

Stay away from the guy
with the pointed helmet.

Well, Balki, all we have to do
is serve the Calorie Counters

then we're home free.
My plan is working beautifully.

Cousin, there's just
one itsy-bitsy little problem

with your plan.

What's that?

I only rented enough plates

and silverware
for two parties.

Oh, catering is
so much easier on Mypos.

You just toss the salad
and everyone runs under it.

Well, Balki,
we can handle this.

We'll just get the plates
back from the Texans

wash them,
and serve the Calorie Counters.

This is gonna be easy.

[CHATTER]

Balki! Ha ha!

These are some fine vittles
you conjured up for us.

Well, thank you.
Now, how was the food?

Balki, he loves the food.
Oh, good.

Yee-haw!

All right, Balki, the plates.
Get the plates!

Okay.

Yeah! And I'm ready
to start on your buns.

Whoa!
Oh!

Oh! Uh, oh, well, maybe later.

[LAUGHS]

Give me that steak
before I get ugly!

Oh.

Now, you didn't eat
all your beans.

Don't you want to be a member
of the Clean Plate Club?

Balki, I wouldn't be tryin'
to take food away from Bubba.

He'll rip your heart out
through your back pocket.

Much obliged, mister,
Mr. Bubba Sir.

Uh, you know, um,
back on Mypos
I knew a Bubba

who was about your size.

Of course, he had hooves.

Balki, I can't get the plates
away from these people.

Neither can I.

I guess it's true what they say.

Cousin, if we cannot
get the plates away

All right, we'll just
let the Texans finish eating

and then we'll feed
the Calorie Counters.

They won't starve to death

[CHATTER]

[CROWD SHOUTING]

If we're not fed immediately

they say they'll take hostages.

[CHATTER]

Okay, we gotta find some way
to get them away from the tables

so we can get their plates.

Cousin, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

A game of Twister?

Wait, I've got it! I've got it!

At...
All right, attention!

Your attention, please!

Uh, it's time
for a square dance!

Here we go!

Time to dosey-do!

Time to yippi-i-o-ki-yay.

Please?

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[CROWD CHEERING]

* Time for a dance

* Leave your table

[CROWD CHEERING]

* Grab your girl
before it's too late

* Kick up your heels
and leave your plate

* Skip to the left
and girl to the right

* Walk her in a circle
and hold her tight

[CROWD CHEERING]

* Strum that guitar
pluck that fiddle

* Take two steps out
and run to the middle

[CROWD CHEERING]

* Swing your partner
round and round

* Any way you can
except upside down

[CROWD CHEERING]

* Allemande left
and swing your dates

* While the Mypiot
collects your plates *

[CROWD CHEERING]

CROWD:
We want food!

You'd better hurry up!

They're using Bertha
as a battering ram!

We want food!

* Swing and in and out
with the pretty little thing

[CROWD CHEERING]

* If you're hungry
you want another tater

* Swing your partner
across the floor

[CROWD CHEERING]

[PLATE SHATTERING]

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah.

Food!

[YELLING]

You wanna have some of that?
Hold it, boy.

Whoa, boy!

Wunderbar! Let's party!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

* Calorie Counters
grab a German

* Squeeze 'em tight
and feel 'em squirmin' *

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Well, everything seemed
to turn out all right.

Everybody got fed.

I, I liked the music.

Didn't you?

Good food, good friends,
good fun.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, okay.

Maybe I'm,
I'm partially to blame

for what happened tonight.

Mostly to blame.

All right,
it was totally my fault.

I shouldn't have pushed him
before he was ready.

But you know...

...I think you're gonna thank me
for what I did tonight.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]