07x01 - Bachelor Party

[bunniefuu]

[theme song]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s gonna stand
in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪

♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ Ah ♪

♪ ’Cause my life and my dream ♪

♪ And nothing’s gonna
stop me now ♪

Cousin, cousin, cousin!

I just ran into Big Carmine
on the loading dock.

You know, the guy
that can open a beer bottle

with his belly button?

Well, he told me that
it’s my duty as your best man

to throw you a bachelor party.

I had no idea!

‐Would you like that?
‐I’d love a bachelor party.

Is there gonna be any, uh

bachelor‐type entertainment,
huh?

[chuckles]
Huh?

Oh.

Huh?

‐Aah!
‐Aah!

Stop, stop it.

What are we talking about?

I’m talking
about the entertainment

you have planned
for the bachelor party.

Oh, oh, oh, that.

Well, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought we’d bob for onions.

And then, uh, play a few rounds

of pin the mustache
on Miss Mypos.

Eh? Eh?

And then I thought
we’d get down to the main event

of the bachelor party.

Team quilt making,
that’s right.

That’s right.

‐Hi, guys!
‐’Mary Anne, Jennifer!’

What a surprise!
What are you doing here?

Oh, uh, we came to pick up Larry

to get measured
for his wedding ring.

I’m going along, too,
even though I’m not engaged

because it would be
a good experience

in case I ever become engaged

which is possible
because I’m still single

and therefore eligible
to become engaged.

Mary Anne.

Yes, Balki?

You have something on your chin.

[Lydia laughing]

Oh, oh. Ahem.

Um, there’s, uh, a new, uh

librarian in the Archives.

He certainly knows
where everything is.

So are you two ready
for the big day?

Oh, yeah, we’re all set.

[chuckles]
Then you’ve signed the papers?

‐What papers?
‐The pre‐nuptial agreement.

After all, your best earning
years are ahead of you.

And someone with your talents
could make a lot of money

and you don’t wanna lose it
all on a messy divorce.

I wouldn’t even consider
asking Jennifer

to sign a pre‐nuptial agreement.

I was talking to Jennifer.

We’ll have lunch.

Oh, hi, Lydia.
The new librarian’s married.

Jennifer, Mary Anne, guess what.
Guess what.

I’m throwing a bachelor party
for Cousin Larry tonight!

Oh‐ho‐ho‐ho! Ho‐ho‐ho!

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Oh, okay, stop, stop it,
stop it, stop it.

Larry, I can’t believe
you’re going to have

one of those disgusting
bachelor parties.

[laughing]

Enough. Alright,
stop it, stop it.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.
Don’t...

Jennifer, it’s not gonna
be anything like that.

We’re‐we’re just
gonna get together

a‐and, uh, make a quilt.

Larry, give me a little credit.

I know what goes on
at these things.

A bachelor party nearly
destroyed my family.

My Cousin April’s fiance
ran off with a stripper

from his bachelor party.

He gave up a thriving
dental practice

to tell jokes at a place
called Benny’s Boom‐Boom Room.

I love the Boom‐Boom Room.

Oh, it’s a real classy place.

They’ve got this thick carpeting
that cushions your fall

if you slip off your barstool.

I just don’t think
I could ever marry a man

who would participate in such
a disgusting, degrading ritual.

[laughs]

Stop it! Stop it!
Stop! Stop it!

J‐J‐Jennifer, Balki is
organizing the bachelor party.

You have nothing to worry about.

Oh, I hope not.

Well, we better get going.
I‐I’ll see you after lunch.

[laughs]

Stop it! Stop it!

[indistinct chatter on TV]

Goat doodle?

They’re the traditional
Myposian pre‐wedding snack.

They’re hairless.

There it is! Y‐yeah.

[all cheering]

‐Yes!
‐Quiet! Quiet!

Now look what you’ve done
to his doodles!

Hey, Lar, lighten up.
It’s a bachelor party.

It’s supposed to be loud.

You keep it up
and I will send you home

just like I sent Fred home.

[lowers volume]

‐Oh, come on.
‐Oh, come on.

[knock on door]

[indistinct chatter on TV]

Mr. Gorpley.

Dusty doodle?

Come in.

Mr. Gorpley,
I’m glad you’re here.

Things, things are kind of slow.

Looks like I got here
just in time.

I brought everything we need.

Bartokomous, this party
is about to heat up.

‐Okay, he’s goin’!
‐He’s goin’. All the way!

He’s goin’!

[all cheering]

[all]
Move it! Move it!

Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet!

Quiet, or I am going
to have to clear this room!

‐Balki!
‐Ah!

Watch your doodles!

Mr. Gorpley.

Here.

Wet...

...your...

...whistles.

[gasping]

‐Tastes great.
‐Less filling.

Five bucks says
that Appleton can’t do two.

‐Ah!
‐Oh, ho, ho, I can do two!

‐Easy!
‐Go!

[all chanting]
Go! Go! Go!

[shatters]

[all laughing]

There we go.

I don’t see...

[indistinct]

[all laughing]

Go! Go! Go!

[all chanting]
Go! Go! Go!

[all cheering]

[knock on door]

‐I’ll get it!
‐I’ll get it!

[grunts]

‐’I got it.’
‐’I got it.’

‐I’ll get it. I’ll get it.
‐’I’ll get the door.’

‐I’ll get the door.
‐’I’ll get the door.’

‐I’ll get the door.
‐’I’ll get the door.’

‐’I got it.’
‐I’ll get the door.

I thought our living room
was bigger.

[knock on door]

Who is it?

Oh, it’s you.

[both laughing]

[laughing]

Are you Larry Appleton?

Am I?

Well, of course, you are.
Don’t be meticulous.

[laughing]

Hi. I’m Bambi.

[all cheering]

[upbeat music]

[men whistling]

[telephone rings]

[Balki]
’Cousin, answer the phone.’

I’m trying to answer the phone

but I can’t concentrate
with all this...

...ringing.

[screams]

[ringing continues]

Balki, our phone
is inside the wall.

Oh. Ow. Oh.

[ringing continues]

I’ll find it.

Hello.

Appleton‐Bartokomous residence.

How may I direct your call?

Oh, it’s Jennifer.
Cousin, it’s for you.

Hello?

Oh, oh, hi, Jen!

What‐what bachelor party?

Oh! Oh, m‐my bachelor party.

Well, well, it was, it was,
uh, very, very pleasant.

Uh, you wanna come on down?
Well, sure.

Sure, that’s w...

W‐well, uh, uh, isn’t‐isn’t it
a little, uh, uh, early?

What? Noon? It’s already noon?

Wha‐wha... No, no, no,
I’ve‐I’ve been up for hours.

Yeah, oh, okay, alright.
Yeah, sure.

Okay, okay. Come on down.
See you in a few minutes.

Jennifer is coming down,
so I can try on my wedding band.

[gasps]

Ow!

If she sees this mess,
I’m a dead man.

We have to clean
this place up now!

Cousin, what should I do
with this punch?

Throw it out.

Here, give me a hand over here.

There.

Oh.

Everything’s fine.

No evidence of a bachelor party.

No evidence of a stripper.

No evidence of anything at all.

What’s that?

That’s my arm.

Fingers, hand, wrist,
tattoo of a naked lady.

[gasps]
Oh, my Lord!

[gasping]

Cousin, that’s, that’s
not just any naked lady.

That looks like Bambi.

Boom, boo‐boom. Boom, boo‐boom.
Boom, boo‐boom. Boom, boo‐boom‐‐

Balki!

I must have gotten this
last night.

Wh‐where did we go last night?

Did we go down to the wharf?

[sniffing]

‐What did we do?
‐Don’t you remember?

Well, the last thing I remember
is‐is‐is drinking punch

out of Bambi’s bra.

That’s the last thing
I remember too.

It was a double.

Where do I come up with them?

Balki, Jennifer will be here
any minute.

And I have a‐a naked lady
tattooed on my arm.

I have no reason
to go on living!

[crying]

It’s okay. I have everything
under control.

I know what I have to do.
I’ll just cut off my arm.

[grunts]

Cousin, cousin, cousin, cousin,
you cannot cut off your arm.

[growling]

Why am I making myself crazy?

I’ll just pull down my sleeve.

[screaming]

[knock on door]

Balki, it’s Jennifer.

If she sees my arm,
my life is over.

[knock on door]

No, it’s not, cousin.

Why aren’t you helping me?

Cousin, put your, put your
right arm in this, in the coat.

Put our right arm
in the coat.

Don’t put your left arm in.

I’ll put my left arm in
right behind you.

Now sit down.

’Give me your hand.’

Okay, here we go.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Jennifer?

‐Hi, Larry.
‐Hi.

Oh, come in.
Uh, uh, sit down.

Uh, gosh, I‐I‐I wished
I had known you’re coming.

Uh, because, uh,
because, uh, well

because, uh, of course,
I’m, I’m a mess.

Well, I can’t wait for you
to try on your wedding ring.

Oh, oh, uh, uh, uh...

Uh, Jennifer, well, uh...

You know...

...trying on a wedding ring

before the ceremony

is bad luck.

Bad luck, unh‐unh.

No! No, no, no.

A total no.

[indistinct mumbling]

[Balki]
’Ah!’

Larry, that’s ridiculous.
Now give me your hand.

Uh, uh, oh, oop.

‐’Ah!’
‐Ooh.

Uh, I just remembered.

Ow!

[groans]

Uh, you know,
I‐I don’t think the, uh

wedding band
will, will fit today

uh, because, uh, because I’m...

Uh, ooh, well, well, uh...

[indistinct mumbling]

Ooh! Because...

...of water retention.

Water retention.

Yes, just... Oh, bloat! Bloat!
Look at that.

Look at,
look at that, bloat.

Look at that bloat.

[Balki]
’Oh, ow, ow!’

‐Larry, give me your hand.
‐Um, well, oh, oh, uh, okay.

Well, I never realized
what long

lovely slender fingers you have.

Oh, oh, well, oh.

Oh, oh, ha‐ha...

[indistinct mumbling]

[laughs]

Actually, uh, I always thought

your fingers were kind
of short and chubby.

Well, I‐I, I would’ve
described them

as, uh, strong and masculine.

Well, I’ll say I always liked
your short, chubby fingers.

I thought they were sexy.

Well, you know, you know...

[laughs]
Well, yes.

I, but, I had no...

Oh, I still have one of those!

[laughs]

The, uh, ahem,
this hand, uh, represents

uh, my strong masculine side.

[Balki groans]

Well, whereas, uh, this hand,
uh, uh, represents

my, my my soft wimpy side.

Ouch!

[Balki groaning]

[screams]

Well, it’s, uh
ahem, gas, gas!

[grunting]

Hoo‐hoo!

Better.

[panting]

Ah! Woo‐hoo!

[laughs]

‐Larry.
‐Hmm?

‐Why don’t we stop this?
‐Stop what?

I know about the Bambi tattoo.

[gasps]

[gags]

Do, you‐you‐you do?

Yes, I do.

[grunts]

Darn, rats!

[grunts]

[laughs]

[grunts]

[inhales sharply]

Woo! Hoo! Hoo!

[chuckles]

Balki, you can come out now.

Oh, Jennifer,
how long have you been here?

It’s a nice try,
but I know everything.

Well, well, c‐could you
fill us in?

[scoffs]
Well, at, uh, 2 o’clock
in the morning

your friend Jimmy knocked
on my door looking for his car.

Uh, he told me everything.

Evidently, Gorpley tricked Balki

into letting him take care
of the entertainment.

So Gorpley hired Bambi
and he spiked the punch.

Oh.

Oh, w‐well, Jennifer,
Jennifer, I’m, uh...

I’m gonna have to have
them change the tattoo.

I’m‐I’m gonna make them add
an apron and, and write mom.

Of course, I can never
go home again, but, but...

That’s a small price to pay
for your forgiveness?

Oh, Larry,
it isn’t a real tattoo.

It comes off with baby oil.

It’s one of Gorpley’s
little jokes.

Oh, but‐but, y‐you forgive me?

Of course, I forgive you.

Now I‐I’ll tell you what.

Why don’t you
just clean that tattoo off

and then I think
you should come upstairs

and apologize to Mary Anne?

Last night, someone
from your party painted her dog.

Balki, what are you doing?

I’m sitting among the ashes.

Well, I can see that

but why are you sitting
among the ashes?

Because I failed you.

And because of me,
we drink a horrible alcohol.

We break all the dishes and

and I have a vague recollection

of putting Mrs. Schleggelmilch
down the garbage chute.

[sobs]

I don’t deserve the honor
of being your best man.

So with a heavy heart

I’m stepping down.

Balki, Balki,
come out of the ashes.

‐No.
‐No, no, Balki.

‐Come out of the ashes.
‐No.

‐Come out of the ashes.
‐No.

Uh, Balki, get out of the ashes!

Wait.

Balki.

The, the day I marry Jennifer

is gonna be the happiest day
of my life.

And on the happiest day
of my life

I want my best friend
standing next to me.

Let’s give him a call.

Balki, I couldn’t have
a better best man than you.

‐Really?
‐Yes.

I want you to be my best man.

Then I accept.

Now we are so happy,
we do the dance of joy!

♪ Da da da da da da da ♪

♪ Hey hey hey hey hey hey ♪

[theme music]