07x08 - Citizenship, Part 2

[bunniefuu]

[theme song]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds are
this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s gonna stand
in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze ♪

♪ I’m bound for better days ♪

♪ Oo‐ooh ♪

♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪

♪ And nothing’s gonna
stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

Jennifer, Jennifer! Mary Anne!

[grunting]

Hi. Is Balki here?

No, he’s still downtown
taking his citizenship test.

Good. I‐I have
a surprise for Balki.

You got him a wooden box.

He doesn’t have one that size.

No, that’s not the surprise.

See, I arranged to have
Balki’s mother

flown over from Mypos
so she could witness

Balki being sworn in
as a US citizen.

I just picked her up
from the airport.

Oh, my God! We’ve gotta
get her out of there!

Mary Anne, Balki’s mama
is not in that crate!

Is she, Larry?

No, no, no!

No, that’s, uh,
that’s her luggage.

Uh, Balki’s mama is,
uh, outside.

She’s, uh, she’s staring
at the mailbox.

She’s never seen one before.

[Mama]
’Cousin Larry!’

Cousin Larry!

[speaking in Myposian]

[grunts]

Uh, she says she’s going to take
this little tree

with her back to Mypos.

Well, Larry, I, I didn’t know
you spoke Myposian.

Well, I‐I picked up a lot

uh, living with Balki
and‐and I took his

uh, Myposian‐English dictionary
so that I could

uh, communicate with her.

[speaking in Myposian]

Uh, she loves our‐our
beautiful walk‐in kitchen.

Oooh.

[speaking in Myposian]

W‐woww!

She says, "Wow."

Does she speak
any English at all?

Uh, yeah, a‐a little,
uh, she learned English

uh, from watching
American TV shows.

American TV shows, yes!

Lucy! I’m home!

Hee‐ere’s Johnny!

Book ’em, Danno.

[humming "Hawaii Five‐O" theme]

[Larry]
’Mama.’

Mama...

Uh, mama.

She likes everyone
to call her mama.

Mama, yes.

Mama, uh, this,
this is my wife, uh, Jennifer.

Jennifer!

Hello, Jennifer.
Hello. Very pretty.

Very, very pretty.
Very nice! Yes!

‐And‐and this is, uh...
‐Yes...

‐This is Mary Anne.
‐Oh.

Mary Anna! Mary Anna!

Very, very nice.
Very, very sweet, itta pretty.

Hey, um, where the hippi?
Where’s the beef?

Make, uh, make, maki,
maki babiki?

Itti, itti Balki?
No, I don’t think so.

That’s a big no‐can‐do.

[horn honking]

‐What is that?
‐Larry, Balki just drove up.

‐Balki! Balki!
‐No, now we want this‐‐

‐Balki?
‐To be a surprise, mama.

‐Balki? Balki?
‐We‐we wanna surprise him.

So you’re gonna
have to hide in here, okay?

Right in here. Here you go.
Here you go.

‐Ooh, yes! Yes.
‐Right inside. Y‐yeah,

You know what, yeah.
No, no, mama. Mama. Yeah, um...

No, mama, mama, mama,
this is not your room.

Not your room.
No, we just want you to hide.

We just want you
to hide in here.

Okay, this is your room,
this is your room.

Here you go. Here you go.
Alright. There you are.

♪ I’m almost
a Yankee Dood‐lee Dandy ♪

♪ A Yankee Dood‐lee do or die ♪

I passed my citizenship test!

[everyone applauds]

I knew you could do it.

Well, I’ll be an official
citizen of the USA

as soon as I go down to

the Federal building
and get sworn at.

I can’t wait to call mama
and tell her that soon

Uncle Sam will really be
my uncle!

Well, hold on, Balki.

No later, cousin,
I’ve got to call mama.

[Mama]
’Balki!’

‐Mama?
‐’Balki!’

Cousin, this is amazing,
I‐I didn’t even dial

and‐and yet she knew
I was, I was calling!

She must have ESPN.

Mama? Mama, it’s me, Balki!

‐’Balki!’
‐Balki‐‐

‐Mama?
‐’Balki!’

‐Balki‐‐
‐Mama?

‐’Balki!’
‐Balki‐‐

‐Mama?
‐’Balki!’

‐Balki.
‐’Balki!’

[Mama]
’Oh!’

Balki, mama’s
not on the phone.

She’s here!

Balki! Balki, my babiki!

‐Mama! Mama!
‐Balki! Balki!

[speaking in Myposian]

Oh, Balki.

Mama says I’m her baby
and she loves me.

[speaking in Myposian]

Mama says she wants
to go to her room and relax.

Yes.

[speaking in Myposian]

No. No, no.

Yes.

‐ Itti babiki, ho‐ho‐ho.
‐Okay.

Ah, Cousin Larry.

[speaking in Myposian]

Quasar.

Goodnight, John Boy.

[instrumental music]

‐Cousin Larry!
‐Mama!

Look at this.
Mama shoparuniki.

[speaking in Myposian]

What is all this?

I‐I‐I thought you were just
taking mama sightseeing.

She wanted some souvenirs.

A‐apparently it’s
a Myposian tradition.

If you can lift it, it’s yours.

[speaking in Myposian]

Oh, well, lovely.

‐You like?
‐Lovely.

‐And this...
‐Yes, uh‐huh.

This is,
this a statement of something.

Well, did she,
did she buy anything?

‐You make any, uh, purchasikis?
‐Purchasiki! Wait.

♪ You make me feel ♪

♪ You make me feel ♪

♪ You make me feel
like a natural woman ♪

Well, well, well, mama, you are
going to look lovely in that.

M‐m‐mama, mama sex pistoliki.

Oh! No.

‐No, I mean it,
‐Oh, go on.

I mean it.

[speaking in Myposian]

Cousin Larry, pooki.

You know,
you‐you just missed Balki.

‐Balki?
‐You just‐‐

Balki! Balki! Balki! Balki!

He’ll be back in a minute.

‐In a microseci.
‐Okay.

Uh, Larry, we have to be going.

We’ve been running all morning.

First we took mama
to see the city.

City. Wiggly Field.

Then we took her shopping.

Charge it. Yes.

But her favorite thing
was the escalator.

‐Escalator. Escalator.
‐Yeah. Ooh.

‐Escalator!.
‐Uh...

Escalator.

Mama. Mama.

[speaks in Myposian]

Uh, it’s broken.

‐Hmm?
‐It’s broken.

‐ Bustakaki.
‐Oh, bummer.

Good luck, Larry.

‐Bye‐bye, bye‐bye.
‐Oh, yes.

Yes, very nice. Very pretty.
Goodbye. Goodbye.

These are very nice.

Don’t forget to brush and floss.

And you got to...eat.
Okay? Eat, eat.

She hates me.

[laughing]
And you said
you weren’t ticklish!

Um, I was just helping Lydia
with some research.

Uh, mama, these are‐are
two friends o‐of Balki’s.

‐Balki! Balki!
‐Yeah, uh...

This is, uh,
Mr. Gorpley and Miss Lydia.

Yee, you are friend Balki?

Very, very nice.
Nice, thank you.

‐Thank you. Very, very sweet.
‐Oh!

Very pretty!

‐Thank you.
‐Does she speak any English?

Um, not really.

Oh, good.

Mrs. Bartokomous,
your son is an idiot.

Oh, wise guy, ’ey?

[grunting]

She may not speak English,
but she understands a lot.

Yes.

Come on, Sam.
I’ll take you to lunch.

But if anyone sees us
we are not together.

Cousin Larry,
I got your mail back.

Mama!

Balki, babiki.

Mama, uh, I‐I want
to show you the building.

‐Come on, come on.
‐Oh...

[speaking in Myposian]

Mama, ini ina elevator.

Wa! Wowww!

Housewares, notions,
ladies’ dresses going up!

[laughing]

Where do I come up with them?

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Balki!

Cousin Larry!

Mrs. Cousin Larry!

Skinny Minny!

♪ Chain ♪

♪ Chain of Fools ♪

Oh, mama,
everything looks beautiful.

Thanks.

[sniffs]

Ah! Snout.

Would you give me your recipe?

I hear the way to a man’s heart
is through his snout.

Mary Anna, come.

You come. Eat.

[speaks in Myposian]

‐Oh.
‐Yes.

Mmm! Mm‐hm!

Very nice, babiki.

‐Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
‐Very nice. Very, very nice.

‐Mm‐hmm.
‐Mmm.

‐Come over here.
‐Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

‐Mama...
‐Mmm.

Okay, alright, alright,
alright!

Why don’t, why don’t we all,
why don’t we all sit down, okay?

‐Take that.
‐No! No, no.

Mama, let’s, let’s sit down.
Let’s sit down, okay?

‐Here we go.
‐Balki! Balki!

Balki, come down!

[speaks in Myposian]

‐Balki went to get dessert.
‐Never mind.

Oh, there we are.

Okay, very nice.

I’ve got bad news.

Can you believe in a,
in a city the size of Chicago

not one single market
carries goat gut pudding?

Uh...I guess we’re stuck
with apple pie.

We’ll live with it.

Balki, sit, sit.

Well, it’s time for a toast.

What is toast?

Signifiki clinki tinki.

Clinki tinki.

Well, go for it.

I‐I’d like to officially
welcome mama to America.

Land of the free
...home of the Whopper.

Opto kinika chertiki cantiki

andro po kimiga
boing boing boing boing...

Cousin...

[laughs]

You’ve, uh,
you’ve‐you’ve made rather

a humorous linguistic error.
Um...

Opto kinika chertiki cantiki

andro po kimiga
boing boing boing boing

means a person
who has a driver’s license.

♪ In my little deuce coupe
you don’t know what I’ve ♪

♪ Little deuce coupe
you don’t know what I’ve got ♪

Thank you, mama.

Uh, what, what you
meant to say is that

I’m going to become
an American citizen which is

opto politicia
certifantiki Americaniki

politaniki ping
pong pong pong pong...

Mama? What the biggi dealiki?

What the biggi dealiki?

[speaking in Myposian]

Balki Americaniki politaniki?
Over my deadiki bodiki!

Mama’s upset.

She, she, she thought
she was coming over here

to see me get
my driver’s license?

Cousin Larry,
Balki American citizen?

Yes, mama, he’s becoming
an‐an American citizen.

No more Mypiot?

That’s right, mama.

Hmm‐hmm... Hmph!

[dramatic music]

[speaking in Myposian]

[crying]

Okay.

What’s going on?

Uh, cousin, she just gave me
the one thing a Myposian boy

never wants to get
from his mama.

It looks like a chicken foot
with one toe missing.

It’s a chicken foot
with one toe missing.

It’s the symbol of
a Myposian mama’s deepest grief.

Well, what is she
grieving about?

Well, well,
she, she always assumed

I would go back
to Mypos to live.

Well, Balki,
you’ll just explain to your mama

that your life is here now.

You’ll go back to Mypos
to visit.

No, cousin,
you don’t understand.

Mama has given me an ultimatum.

Either I go back to Mypos
with her, or...or, uh...

...I am no longer her son.

Balki, she can’t mean that.

Cousin, she gave me
the chicken foot, okay?

I, I have to go back to Mypos.

I’m gonna go upstairs
and pack.

[Larry]
Balki, you can’t do this!

Balki, you have got to listen
to reason.

Cousin, we’ve been over
and over and over this.

You can talk
until the cows buy homes

but it’s not
going to change anything.

Balki, if I just
had a chance to talk to her

I’m sure
I could change her mind.

Well, it’s too late, cousin.
She’s gone.

Gone?

W‐w‐when did she leave?

This morning, she, she put her
red eyes on the red eye.

Well, Balki, I am not gonna let
you follow mama back to Mypos.

I mean, think of what
you’ll be giving up.

Uh, your job is here

your girlfriend is here,
your future is here!

I‐I cannot break her heart.

If I did that I‐I wouldn’t be
able to live with myself.

So I’m gonna, I got to go back.

Take care of him for me.

[sigh]
You’re really gonna do this,
aren’t you?

Yes, I am.

I already said goodbye
to Jennifer and Mary Anne.

Please tell them that
I’m sorry I made them cry.

Well, I guess this is...goodbye.

Thank you.

Thank you for‐for everything

that you’ve done for me
over the last five years.

Well, I got back
much more than I gave.

I’ll miss you, Cousin Larry.
Don’t forget me.

[instrumental music]

I’m sorry about the snout.

I‐I don’t really
have the hang of it yet.

Balki called today.

He sends his love to everyone.

Well, I’m glad he made it
safely back to Mypos.

Oh, Balki made it safely
back to Mypos

but his luggage
went to Skeptos.

He says as soon as
he gets his clothes back

he’s gonna look for a job.

My heart is breaking
into a million pieces.

Oh, Mary Anne, it’s okay.

He’ll write. He’ll visit.

Jennifer, you are so naive.

Alright, wait a minute.

L‐listen to us. We’re sitting
around crying in our snout.

I should never have let him go
in the first place.

‐I’m going to Mypos.
‐You’re what?

I’m going to Mypos and I’m
gonna bring Balki back home.

Hello? Transcontinental Airways?

Book me a seat
on your next flight to Mypos.

[dramatic music]

Mypos.

M‐Y‐P‐O‐S.

[male narrator]
Next on "Perfect Strangers..."

[instrumental music]

‐Hello, Balki.
‐Hi.

‐Mama, we have to talk.
‐Ahh! Ai, ai ai ai!

You see this, that’s my
return ticket to Chicago.

♪ Hey hey hey hey ♪

By the way, you’re drinking
from the goat’s water bowl.

[theme music]

[music continues]