07x09 - Wild Turkey

[bunniefuu]

[male narrator]
Last on
"Perfect Strangers..."

♪ ...yankee Dood‐lee dandy ♪

♪ Yankee Dood‐lee do or die ♪

I passed
my citizenship test.

[cheering]

See, I arranged
to have Balki’s mother

flown over from Mypos
so she could witness

Balki being sworn in
as a US citizen.

Balki, Balki.

‐My Balki! Balki...
‐Mama!

Oh, my mama, mama!

[speaking in Myposian]

She thought she was
coming over here

to see me get
my driver’s license?

Either I go back
to Mypos with her or...

...I am no longer her son.

Well, I guess this is...

...goodbye.

[instrumental music]

I should never have
let him go in the first place.

I’m going to Mypos.

[theme song]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s going
to stand in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze ♪

♪ I’m bound for better days ♪

♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪

♪ Nothing’s going
to stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[sheep bleating]

[indistinct chatter]

[music continues]

Hot doggies!
Get them while they’re hot.

Hot doggies!

‐Hello, Balki.
‐Hi.

Hot...

Cousin Larry. Cousin Larry...

What are you doing here?
I can’t believe it’s you.

I... I‐I must be dreaming.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

You’re not dreaming.
Stop pinching me!

[screams]

It is you!

Oh, cousin, cousin!

Cousin, I... I...

I mean, it’s, it’s
unbelievable. I...

What are you doing here?

Balki, I came
to try one more time

to talk mama into letting you
come back to America.

Oh, cousin

you’re barking up
a dead horse.

Balki,
just let me talk to her.

Well, cousin,
that’s a big no can do.

She’s on the other side
of the island.

Well, let’s go get her.

Well, cousin, we can’t.

Her woman’s group is having

a consciousness raising seminar
and chili cook‐off.

These things can be
really intense.

She’ll be back in a week

more in touch with herself
and reeking of onions.

No problem, I’ll wait.

I took two weeks vacation.

Cousin.

Well, cousin, cousin,
eh, pull up a stool

pull up a stool
and take a load off.

[bell ringing]

What’s goin’ on?

Nap time.

What, for the whole island?

Well, yeah, except for me.

I’m so excited I‐I‐I haven’t

been able to sleep
since you got here.

So, Balki, how are things
goin’ for ya here?

Great! Really great!

Yeah, um...

Uh, they, they had

a big welcome home parade for me

and I’ve been invited
to appear on a local talk show

"Livestock of the Rich
and Famous."

I would’ve thought
you would have been

a little homesick...

...you know, because
of all you left behind.

Uh, your job

your friends

Mary Anne

the coin‐operated horse
outside the Shop ’n Save.

I do miss Blue Thunder.

Cousin, you can read me
like a book on tape.

I am homesick. I...

I... Things are not
the same for me here.

You know, there’s
no urban sprawl

no lines at the movies

no, no unsightly graffiti.

I miss America.

Well, we miss you too.

And so that’s why,
no matter what it takes

I’m gonna take you back.

But, cousin, you know, I don’t
think you’re going to be able

to convince mama
into letting me go.

Once she gets her mind
set on something

you know, she’s,
she’s very pig‐headed.

Well, you let me
worry about mama.

Well, okay, cousin.

Listen, until she comes back

you’ll be staying with me
at mama’s place.

Um... I think
you’re gonna like it.

It’s got central air
and detached chicken coop.

[instrumental music]

[whistling]

[squawk]

Marge, Cousin Larry
might want an omelet too.

[Marge squawking]

[whistling]

[chickens squawking]

Cousin, where have you been?

I got up before dawn
this morning

sat on the hill
overlooking the village.

You know what I saw?

The village?

Well, yeah, that.

But I, I also saw something

truly remarkable.

I saw Mypiots
on their way to work.

They were happy

smiling, saying
"Hello" to each other.

Well, th‐they seemed
to actually enjoy...

...just being alive.

Mmm.

It was a totally
stress‐free environment

there was no rat race.

Well, of course not.
Don’t be ridiculous.

The rat races
are only on Sunday.

We’ve got the, uh

schedule stuck
to the egg dispenser.

Balki, here, look at this.

I picked it myself.

Well, isn’t that something?

You can’t do that in Chicago.

[chuckles]
Life here is good.

[crunching]

What’s wrong
with this apple?

It’s a sour turnip,
only horses eat those.

And a perfectly wonderful
sour turnip it is.

Toss it in here,
we’ll make an omelet.

You know, Balki...

...I’m startin’ to feel
at home here.

Yeah, and, and I think
the villagers like me too.

All morning they’ve been
calling out my name

wherever I go.

"Larry, Larry! Larry, Larry!"

Cousin, I hate
to burst your bubble

but "Larri larri"
is a Myposian phrase.

It means "Sheep crossing,
watch where you step."

Well, that’s right
neighborly of them.

You know, Balki

watching these happy

stress‐free

smiling villagers

well, it made me
realize that...

...well, I wanna be one of ’em.

You know, Balki,
I’ve made a decision.

I am going to stay on Mypos.

Well, cousin, you’re welcome
to stay as long as you like.

By the way, you’re drinking
from the goat’s water bowl.

[indistinct]

No, no, Balki,
you‐you you don’t understand.

See, see.

I belong on Mypos.

I want to live here forever.

I’m gonna call Mr. Wainwright,
quit my job

tell him what I really
think of him.

Now, cousin,
that’s going a little far.

Then I’m gonna call Jennifer,
tell her to sell

everything we own
and get over here.

Speed bump, slow down.

I’m gonna give away
my Maalox

have all my sport coats
made into vests.

Now, cousin, that is just...

Actually the vest idea,
there‐there’s something to that.

But you know, cousin, this is

the dirt is always
browner syndrome.

I went through
the same thing myself.

Remember when we went
to Six Flags for the first time

and I wanted to live
on the log ride?

I came back in a week.

No, no, Balki,
this is the real thing.

Now, cousin, come on,
you’re not serious.

Look, I’ll, I’ll show you
how serious I am.

See this?
My return ticket to Chicago...

Cousin,
you are going to be sorry

you did that in about a week.

However, for the present

I think I can stick this
back together for you.

Balki, do what you want

but I am here to stay.

[instrumental music]

[chickens squawking]

Did you get it?

Yeah, Niko says

this would take
the stains right out.

Oh.

[sighs]

He also said you’re fired.

Fired?

Niko says I was fired? Why?

I‐I was one of the best
grape crushers he had.

He said you drank
too much of the wine.

Cousin, is that true?

No, I didn’t drink
any of the wine.

I fell in the vat.
I was drowning!

Well, that doesn’t get the hair
out of the burgundy, does it?

Oh, this is great.

Niko says I’m not good enough
to step on grapes.

I rub my hands raw trying
to be a butter churner

but Dario says my butter
isn’t spreadable.

I get thrown out of my,
my sheepherding class

because a wolf
ate my training flock.

Who’d have thought
there’d actually be

a wolf in sheep’s clothing?

Cousin, maybe

nine blisters

two purple feet,
and fourteen dead sheep

are a sign that you
really belong in Chicago.

Well...

...Balki, maybe
you’re right.

I mean, who am I kidding?

I’m going back to Chicago.

You, you belong in Chicago.

Well, you know something?

So do you!

I would love
to go back to Chicago

but this is a conversation
you have to have with mama.

When you say to me, you know

it just really bums me out.

Well, Balki...

...there’s got
to be something...

...that we could say
to change her mind.

Cousin, you don’t know mama.

When she gets an idea
in her head

trying to get that idea
out of her head

is like trying to teach
an old frog new tricks.

Now, mama has decided
that she wants me here

and that is that.

I‐I don’t know, cousin,
how I can explain this to you.

[exhales]

Have a seat.

Balki, I came 5000 miles

to try to talk mama into letting
you come back to America.

‐And that’s what I’m gonna do.
‐Well..

♪ She works hard
for the money ♪

♪ So hard for the money ♪

Looks like you’re gonna
get your chance.

♪ ...so you better
treat her right ♪

[humming]

[chickens clucking]

Balki.

‐Balki, babiki!
‐Mama! Oh...

[Balki]
’Oh.’

That’s very nice.

Very nice.

‐Uh, welcome home, mama.
‐Thank you.

‐Mama, guess what?
‐What?

Cousin Larry
has come to visit.

Huh, yeah, right.

Hello, mama.

Mama, we have to talk.

Balki, go ludiki
bang bong poki noki waka yahoo.

Mama, mama, uh

I want to stayiki.

Go ludiki bang bong
poki noki waka yahoo.

Why no stayiki?

[screaming]
Because I’m the mama,
and I said so!

Cousin, if she gets you
in a headlock

just yell,
I’ll be right outside.

Cousin Larry.

Hello, mama.

Hello, hello, yes, yes.

Yes, I, uh...

‐We eat, we eat.
‐Oh, no, I‐I don’t...

‐Oh, yes. Yup.
‐No...

Mama, no, I...

No, mama, I really don’t..

No, I’m not,
I’m not hungry. I...

No, no, Mama...

Nothing. Mama, we...

We have to talk.

‐Cousin Larry, sit down.
‐Oh!

And take a load off.

‐Oh, no, no, mama...
‐Very nice. Very nice.

Mmm, this is a new dish...

[mumbling]

...and I want your take on it.

[coughs]

Oh! Oh, no!
No, no, Cousin Larry!

[coughing]

[speaking in Myposian]

‐Better?
‐Mm, oh, yeah.

Yak juice.

[coughs]

Cousin Larry, Cousin Larry...

‐Yes, yes, yes.
‐Oh, no, mama. No, no.

‐That’s enough. That’s enough.
‐Just a little bit.

Mama, no, mama.

Mama, we’ll, we’ll eat later.

‐Yes. Okay.
‐Al‐alright? Mama.

‐Yes.
‐Mama?

Yes.

We have to talk.

Yi‐yi‐yi‐yi‐yiy!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Sorry!

Oh! Oh!

[indistinct chatter]

Alright. No, here take this.
Take this.

Careful. Alright, alright.

[grunting]

[Mama]
Oh, no.

Alright, okay, mama! Okay, here.

Let me, let me help you up.

Let me help you up, mama.
Let me help you.

Oh, alright. Alright.
Here, hang on! Hang on.

‐Hang on, mama. Hang on.
‐Oh!

Alright, here we go. Here we go.

‐Here we go. Here we go.
‐Oh, yes.

What happened to your feet?
They’re funny color.

There. Are you okay? Are you
okay, mama? Are you alright now?

‐Oh, yi‐yiyi‐yiyi‐yi! Ooh! Ooh!
‐Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh! Ooh!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

‐Sit down, mama.
‐Ow!

‐Here we go.
‐Oh!

‐Yeah.
‐Ooh!

Why have you come to Mypos?

You come to take Balki
back to America?

Well...

...yes, mama.

I, I was hoping to talk you
into letting him go back.

‐ Convincikaki?
‐Yes. Go back, go back.

Balki’s whole life
is in America.

Yes.

‐His job is there.
‐Job, yes.

His‐his friends
who‐who miss him.

Friends, yes.

His girlfriend
who‐who loves him.

‐Skinny Minny?
‐Skinny Minny, mama.

Yes.

Feed her, Cousin Larry.

‐I will, mama. I will.
‐Please.

Such a tiny little thing.

Mama, Balki loves you very much.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

But if you really want
Balki to be happy...

Yes.

...you’re gonna have to let him
go back to America.

[instrumental music]

You have come very far

and you have broken my foot.

You... You must love Balki
very much.

‐Yes, I do, mama.
‐You do.

And‐and so do
all of his friends in America.

Balki, many, many friends
in America?

Yes. Yes, mama.

And is very much love

in America?

‐Yes, mama.
‐Okay.

[music continues]

Balki, go,
go back to America.

And then, then Balki happy

and, and, and mama happy.

And I will be happy.

And then...

Then, then we all
will be so happy

we do the Dance of Joy.

♪ Dai dai dai dai ♪

♪ Da‐dai da da da da ♪

♪ Hey hey hey hey ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

Either I’m going back
to America

or, or there’s a mouse
in the hut.

Balki...

Balki, go home.

Go back to America.

‐Mama! Oh!
‐Yes.

Babiki, yes, very, very nice.

Thank you, mama.

No problem.

Mama, you can come to America
to live with us if you want.

‐No.
‐Well... I saw that.

No, mama belongs in Mypos,
you know.

[instrumental music]

Babiki, yes.

[Mama]
Very, very nice.

He’ll be in in a minute.

He’s never run up the sidewalk
as an American citizen before.

This is the first time...

[doorbell rings]

...I’ve rung the doorbell
as an American citizen.

You looked so cute
when you were being sworn in.

We’re very proud of you, Balki.

Congratulations, Balki.
We’re glad you’re here to stay.

This is the first time
I’ve flung myself on the couch

as an American citizen.

And you know, you know

what was the most amazing thing?

What’s that?

The exact moment
that I was sworn in

and I became
an American citizen

I completely lost my accent.

We’ll tell him in the morning.

And this is the first time
that I’ve hugged

all of three of my
very best friends

in the whole world
all at the same time

as an American citizen.

Mmm.

[theme music]

[music continues]