04x17 - Dwarf in a Helium Hat

[bunniefuu]

This party don't get paid for
with money, honey boy.

This is the party
you don't come home from.

[SCREAMING]

Gianni is, like,
into gangsters.

Breaking people's legs
and throwing acid...

Nine-tenths of that
is pure fabrication.

They're going to k*ll me.

ROCKFORD: Just hang on.
Hill Street's up here.

Who cares what street?
We're all gonna die!

[PHONE RINGING]

ROCKFORD
ON ANSWERING MACHINE: :
This is Jim Rockford.

At the tone, leave your name
and message.

I'll get back to you.

[BEEPS]
MAN: : Here's the tally, Jimbo.

You had Atlanta at even money,
tough break,

and you got bombed with
the Duke-Wake Forest fiasco,

and you split the quinella
at Holly Park.

So you owe the book $4:50:
Anytime before Friday,
huh, buddy?

[PHONE RINGING]

ROCKFORD:
Okay, okay. Hold your socks.

Yeah?

Okay, I'm on. Who is it?

MAN: : Go outside, Jay.
Look in the yard.

Your dog is dead.

What are you talking about?

You got 12 hours,
then you and that
Lansing girl are next.

[DIAL TONE DRONING]

That's great.

[PHONE RINGS]

Robbery.

Hey, Billings,
is Becker around?

One moment. No,
he's on his dinner break.

Come on, I'm sure I could be
of some small service.

Ah, no.
That's okay, Lieutenant.
Thank you, thank you.

No, no, no.
Come on now, Rockford,
give me a break, will you?

I mean, for weeks...
No, no, months...

No, years...
I've been looking forward

to helping you with
some of your police work.

I'll come back.
No, you know
what I mean, Jimbo.

Well, that's what
Becker calls you, isn't it?

Jimbo like in bimbo?
Look, Lieutenant...

No, I see you coming in here
all the time

using the telephone,
eating the donuts.

And I understand
you're really a swell guy.

So I want to be able
to help you.

I mean, because
this department is here
to service the public

and, let's face it, Jimbo,
after all, you're a taxpayer.

So, how about
if I put a five-man squad
out into the field

to sniff around for you
or maybe
a special weapons team.

Why do you waste this act
on the swing shift,
Lieutenant?

Why don't we run right over
to the Tonight Show

and let Carson
have a look at it?

[WOMAN LAUGHING]
Was there something else?

Yeah, in your office, maybe.

No, no. Here.
Let's talk here.

All right.

I got a call tonight
in my trailer.

A guys says,
"Jay, look outside.
Your dog is dead.

"You got 12 hours
and you and the Lansing girl
are next."

And he hung up.

Hmm. Well, you want
the Department
of Animal Husbandry

or maybe the Humane Society.

Come on, Chapman,
does this keep coming?

Or are you really
just a giant bag of gas
in a three-piece suit?

Is this a bus station?

You're all waiting for
the 9:15 to Fresno, hmm?

Or maybe you got work to do?

Okay. Big case, huh?

You'll probably have Becker
running all over
hell's half-acre,

down to the phone company,
checking locked circuits,
tracing numbers,

running units to
the half-dozen possibilities.
Something like that?

Right, right.
Plus a name, Lansing.

All right. Lansing.

Well, there's got to be
at least 200 of them in LA.

So, what do we
come out of this with?
A dead dog maybe.

Or maybe we just get lucky
and we turn up a guy

with a glassy grin
or a lampshade on his head.

Billings, put Mr. Rockford
on a skateboard

and give him a push
toward the sidewalk. Jimbo.

We'll be right back
after this brief
commercial announcement.

ROCKFORD: I drove
straight through from Denver.

I've been up
and now this.

I went down
to the police station,
I told Chapman.

ROCKY: Who?
I guess I made his day.

He's still doubled up
with laughter.

Well, I don't see
what you can do about it.

[SIGHING] I don't know.

It must have been
a wrong number or something.

You know, the thing that
bothers me is that

I intercepted the call
so this guy Jay,
whoever he is,

didn't get the message.
And he and the Lansing girl

are walking around
unaware that they're
about to get smoked.

What can I do?

Nothing except
maybe say a prayer.

Yeah. I guess so.

Oh, well. How did it go
while I was in Denver?

Oh, good, good.
Maybe not so good.

You know, I paid them
Shaunassy brothers $400
to plant me a new front lawn.

It looks to me like
the darn thing's dying.

Oh, no

I called him back.
He's got one of those
answer phones like you got.

But, well,
it's so frustrating.

He will not call me back.
I can't get through to him.

Well, there may be one way.

You know,
that's why I come over here.

I thought... I thought
maybe that you'd call him.

He'd probably answer
your call.

I got his number right here.

What are you doing? I said,
I got Shaunassy's number
right here.

Rockfelt, Israel.
Rockfelt, Jay.

Rockford, James.
Huh?

Yeah, yeah.
The guy's name is Jay.

Whoever called Jay
got the wrong number,
called me by mistake.

The guy they wanted
was Jay Rockfelt.

That is really good, sonny.
How come you think of that?

Just a smart cookie, Pop.

[RINGING]

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

You ain't going
over there now?

I mean,
that could be dangerous.

Go out there?
To Jay Rockfelt's

at 10735, Tigertail Road,
in Hollywood?

Yeah, over there.
Don't go there.

Me, go over there? Absolutely
out of the question.
No chance.

[DOG WHINING]

Ah, hey, guy.
Got you, didn't he?

Oh, come on, boy.

All right, good baby.

Yeah, okay?
Okay, sweetheart. Yeah.

Bring him right in here.

Put him down there.
Thank you for opening up.

It's all right. The doctor's
on his way down now.

I think he's been poisoned.
Stay, stay.

Let me see here.
Let me see here.

Why do you think it's poison?

Well, it's a long story,
but I'm pretty sure.

Is he your dog?
No, no.

We have to have authorization
from the owner
in order to work on him.

Oh, he's my dog.
I was just kidding.

You're sure...
His name is Chapman.

You're sure it's poison?
Yeah. Pretty sure.

We can empty his stomach.
There's a form on the desk
out there. Fill it out.

Look, I've...
I've got something
I have to attend to.

I'll fill out the form
and then I've got to go.

But I'll get back to you,
all right?

He's not your dog, is he?

No, no. But I'll pay for him.
Okay?

Okay. I'll say he's your dog
so doctor will work on him.

Oh, thanks. I'll be in touch.
Okay.

He's all right.
That's it.

Is that the chick?

Yeah, that's Carol.

All right, listen.
If she starts screaming,

let's shut her up quick.
All right?

All right.
Let's go.

Oh, no. No. No!

[SCREAMING]

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

No!

MAN: Shut up or your friends
ain't gonna recognize you.

Hey! Hey!

Help!
Somebody call the police!

Leave him alone.
Leave him alone. Go away.

Put that rake down, lady,
or you're dead.

Hey, what's going on
over there?

Mary, call the cops.

Let's get out of here.

Dear God.

I was about to say something
in the same vein.

Oh, listen,
thank you for stopping.
If you hadn't have...

Do you know those men?
No, uh-uh.

But I'm sure they're the ones
the police are looking for.

Because there's been
a while string of burglaries
in this area.

Jay told me to be careful.
Is that Jay Rockfelt?

Yeah.
Your name must be
Lansing then, right?

Oh, no. You're somebody
Dwayne sent from Carbondale,
I bet.

You tell him I like it here.
I want to stay in this city.

I live in Malibu.
My name is Jim Rockford.

My name is
one under Mr. Rockfelt's
in the phone book

and I got a call
that was meant for him.

Somebody transposed numbers.

Huh? Well,
was it important or what?

I think I ought to talk to
Mr. Rockfelt. Do you know
where I can find him?

Well, yes. He's at
the Paris at Dawn party
at Keith's house.

Which is where
I'm supposed to be myself
right now.

But... Oh, gross.

Jay is going to have
a seizure about this.

He always insists that
I'm supposed to look good.

Yeah, well, there's going to
be a lot more ripped around
here besides pantyhose

if I don't get a chance
to warn Mr. Rockfelt.

You think you can show me
where this Keith's house is?

Warn him? Hey,
what are you talking about?

There must be
some kind of mistake.

Oh, yeah. Those two creeps
were all over you
like a bad smell.

The dog's at the vet's.
What kind of mistake
could it be?

Oh, it's weird.
Jay has nothing but friends.

I've never seen anything
like his charisma.

I know. Oh, yeah, I know.

A lot of Jay's friends
have a really
campy senses of humor.

This is some kind of gag.

Yeah, the dog was gagging
when I found him.

Thank you
for taking care of Romanoff.

Jay loves that animal so.

He says that he and Romanoff
were both rulers in Russia
in another lifetime.

A spiritualist told him.

Jay is going to be
very appreciative
of what you've done.

Carbondale.
Is that in Pennsylvania?

I grew up there
and I still really don't know
where it is.

Which I guess
means it isn't any place.

This Christmas
I went to a party at
Keith Stuart's actual house.

And tonight I'm going again.

Except the sun's gonna
be up pretty soon.
We'll probably miss the bus.

What's with the bus?

It's for
the Paris at Dawn party.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

CAROL: Looks like
Jack's been and gone.

ROCKFORD: Jack? Nicholson?

No, he's in Europe.
Jack Cheng.

He's this great acupuncturist
and he knows
acupressure massage.

'Cause you seem kind of stiff
after that fight and I thought
he might be able to help.

MAN: One...

Oh, there's Keith.

...two, three, go.

[SCREAMING]

Come on, let's go!

Keith? Keith? Hi. Where's Jay?

What did you do to your leg?

It's too complicated
to explain. Where's Jay?

He's on the...

[LA MARSEILLAISE PLAYING]

All right, everybody.

If your ballot slip
isn't in the box,
it should be.

The drawing
will be in five minutes.

You all heard the lady.
Anyone who wants a chance
at Paris better shake it.

Allons enfants de la patrie,
and all that rot.

Keith...

Oh, on the bus. On the bus.
Getting the
bleeding bar ready.

Oh.
Hey, he's very anxious
about you.

Oh, okay.

He's on the bus.

All right, everybody
get your ballot slips in.

Come on,
Paris or le bust.

We need more ice.
What are you thinking of?

Jay?

Well, why don't you
show up late...

Carol, what happened
to your leg? You're a mess.

Two men att*cked me
in front of your house, Jay.

What? Tell me
you're kidding, Carol.

It's true, Mr. Rockfelt.

Are you from the police?

Because, you know,
the bus is leaving
in about half an hour...

No, no...

...if I have to fill out
a report of some kind...

I'm not from the police.
Your dog has been poisoned.

Romanoff? Is he dead?

No.

What is all this?

He's going to be all right,
Jay. Mr. Rockford
took him to the vet's.

What can I say?

You could say thank you, Jay.

Well, of course,
that's what I meant, Carol.

It's just that I have been up
all night partying
and I'm wiped.

Look, Mr. Rockfelt,
I got a telephone call
that was meant for you.

A guy says that
your dog is dead,
he threatened you and Carol.

Now there were two guys
who looked like pros

who were going to
work her over.

What's this whole thing
all about?

Carol. The bag.

I forgot.

What's the bad news?
I've got bubonic plague?

Oh, Jay, I'm so sorry.
I got rattled over those men.

I must have left it
on the lawn.

Damn it, I needed it.
I really needed it.

I just asked you to do
one thing for me when you
stopped off at the house.

Just one thing.

I thought the dog would be
the bad news.

Well, of course. That's...
That's not what I meant.

Look, all this stuff
you're talking about,
it's all handle-able.

Or it would have been
if I just had
a little bit more time.

Which I would have had
if a certain someone

had not left a brown bag
on the lawn.

Carol, we would have been
the couple
who won the drawing.

We would have been
going to Paris.

I had it all worked out
with Janique.

She was going to call my name
no matter which name she drew.

A fix?
At the Paris at Dawn party?

Another myth shattered.

What was in the bag, Jay?

That neat little antique
derringer Marissa gave me
for Valentine's Day.

Janique wanted to wear it
to the Grammy Awards.

Oh, wow.

The winners of a week
at the Plaza Athenee are

Tim Trabert
and Stephie Coombs.

Look, I'll take care
of my own problem.

Two steam shovels
in mohair jackets?
You can take care of them?

Yes, already.
Well, I sure hope so.

'Cause they're pulling up
out front.

They're carrying g*ns.

So if you want to handle them,
you just start handling them.

Jay, what...

Oh, yeah,
you're handling them.

Hey, come on out of there.

Come on, open up...

Hey, what's going on here?
Stay out of here, buddy.

Hey! Wait a minute!

Hey! Hey!

Jay! Jay!

They're going to k*ll me.

I didn't know
he'd get this mad.

I've got to talk to Gianni,
explain.

Who's Gianni?

They're still with us.
Will you lose them?

Sure, I'll do a 180
and then I'll do a wheelie
back up the street.

What are we going to do?

Just hang on.
Hill Street's up here.

Who cares what street?
We're all gonna die!

I said just hang on.

They're getting away.

You've got about
a minute and a half.

I want to know
what's going on.

And I'm hot, son,
so you get it straight,
all right?

Well, I... Well, I suppose
it all has to do with
Gianni's birthday party.

He's such a Neanderthal,
and...

Wait. Who?

Gianni Tedesco.
A friend of mine.

He's leasing
Jeanette MacDonald's
old place.

Anyway, Wednesday was
Gianni's birthday,

so I threw this
big bash for him
down at La Belle Epoch.

You always throw
birthday parties
for Neanderthals?

Any old excuse.

And I'm giving short shrift
to Gianni's good points.

His sense of humor,
his campy stories...

That stuff about
breaking people's legs

and throwing acid
in that man's face?

I thought
all that was creepy, Jay.

Oh, nine-tenths of that
is pure fabrication. I'm sure.

Gianni is, like,
into gangsters, you know?

I mean, he plays a role.

He deals coke.

Which we all gladly snort,
so what's the big tzimmes,
Carol?

The party. Would you just
stick with the party,
all right?

Yeah. Well,
there was a mix-up
in the billing.

You see, I had to leave early
to sky down to Puerto Vallarta
with Bob and Phyllis

and Gianni got stuck
with el tabo.

For his own birthday party?

That must have
warmed his cockles. How much?

Thirty thousand.

Three hundred people.

I had this huge ice sculpture
made in the shape of
the Rolls Royce logo.

That's what Gianni drives.
It was wall-to-wall
Dom Perignon...

Wait. You mean all this
is over the fact that

you stuck some
Vegas adagio dancer

with a tab
for his own birthday party?

I don't see
where any of that can hurt me.

You drop me a postcard.
Let me know
how it all comes out.

You're not... You're not
kicking us out, are you?

You got a bull's-eye,
Jay baby.
Let me show you the door.

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You don't understand.

I don't have the money
to cover the tab. I'm busted.

You'll figure out something.

I had to do it.
It's my parent's fault.
How I hate them.

They cut me off.
They cut me off
without a penny.

All they've got
in their ugly little lives
is money.

And they can't come across
for one more party. One more.

This is really choice.
I knew you were a slug,

but I thought at least
you were doing it
on your own ticket.

I had you pegged
as a big Hollywood producer
or actor's agent, you know?

You turn out to be
Mommy's little jetsetter.

All Pop talks about is
his wretched drapery business.

All she talks about
is her colon.

They speak with accents.
They make me sick.

Keith Stuart speaks
with an accent, Jay.

Butt out, Carol.

They call me Julius.
Look at me.
Do I look like a Julius?

Out, Julius.

Hey, hey, hey, get physical,
why don't you?

Get lost, why don't you?

Are you coming, Carol.
'Cause I'm leaving.

I better go with him.

He didn't say it,
so somebody better.
Thanks for all your help.

Hey, I'm out of it. For good.
Period. That's it.

That's all the thanks
I need, Carol.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yeah?

You don't listen, do you?
See if this hat
has a tighter fit.

ROCKFORD: No, now hold it.

Julius, please do
what they say.

Pay them. Please, Julius.
Don't let them k*ll me.

You be at this phone
in 10 hours with the money

or your sister comes home
on casters.

GIANNI: And if you
call the cops,
she don't come home at all.

[PHONE CLICKS OFF]

Hey, babe.
What bloody time is it?

Hey, look, bube,
the reason I'm here
this early is...

Why the hell did you take
the bleeding bus?

Huh?

The bus, you twit.
What for did you take the bus?

I mean,
there we all are, left there.

Bloody Stephie
and what's-his-face can't even
get to bleeding Paris

'cause their bleeding
passports are still
on the bus.

What's that supposed to be?
A big joke then?

Yeah, look, that wasn't me,
Keith. It was my friend.

We were wrecked...
Oh, yeah?

What's that got to do
with taking the bus?

I mean, Stephie's luggage
got trod on by the bus wheel.
Did you know that?

I've got to pay for that.

Look... Look, I'm sorry.

You're sorry. Great.
But at death, who's left
holding the sodding baby?

Me.

Look, Keith,
the reason I'm here

is that I got myself
in kind of a bad place.
I need some help.

I mean, what kind of idiot
is going to steal a bus
and screw up a whole party?

Thirty thousand.
Just till the end of the week.
I'll be healthy by then.

You look worried.

Oh, I'm sorry, mate.

Here I am sh**ting
me mouth off about a bus,
you've got real problems.

Why didn't you
speak up sooner?

Don't you worry.
I'll take care of it.

Keith Stuart
calling Norman Appet.

Hello, Norman.

Yeah.

Yeah. Listen, Dad,
I've got a mate of mine here
named Jay Rockfelt.

He needs $30,000
to see him into next week.

Yeah.

Well, why don't I put him on
and you two can
discuss the particulars?

Tell ye olde business manager
how to make the check out.

Hey, Norman, yeah.
It's Jay Rockfelt.

Yes. Listen, Mr. Rockfelt,
as you well know
if you know Keith at all,

I mean, he'd really love
to lend you that money.

But he can't.

Yeah, but Keith just said...

NORMAN: Don't be mad at him.
It's me. I can't allow it.

Because, frankly,
he can't afford it.

You see, he's got this


that's almost
driving him under.

And you see,
well, right now

he couldn't touch any
of his money if he wanted to.
Do you know what I mean?

Yes, I understand.

It's all set then?

No, I got excuse number 1-A,
English tax problems.

Admit it. I was set-up.

You gave him some code
word that said give
this turkey the brush off.

Look, I understand.
They probably put
the bite on you twice a day.

Why don't you get it
from Bob or Marissa then?

I already tried.

Look, Jay, don't hang
the guilt bag on my neck,
okay?

Keith, you told
Woman's Wear Daily I was
one of your closest friends.

It's too early in the morning
for this. Santo!

Hey, Keith, look.
Look, I'm good for at least
part of it, right?

Five grand?

Show Mr. Rockfelt out.

Hey...
Andiamo.

Yeah, yeah, I know.
Look, Santo, it's me.
It's Jay. Jay.

Okay, I'll boogie on down.

He didn't even come by here
to pick up his dog?

Oh, I planned on tracing him
through your office.

I'm sorry.
The guy's a real majorette.

He's really supposed to be
attached to that dog.

I mean, after all,
he and Romanoff back there

used to rule
the Russian peasants.

That's way back
before Nicholas.
What?

I was driving in from Denver
the other day

and I had a real sense of
a job well done, you know.

I'm driving along,
singing a song,

I rolled down the window,
just belted it out.

Then I get home,
I get this phone call

and ever since I've felt like
Audie Murphy
in Six Ways to Sundown.

You're not making much sense,
you know that?

Do you mind if I ask you
a hypothetical question?

If there was a guy
you really disliked,

and he had a sister
who you don't even know
at all,

and she's in danger
of losing her life

if you got involved
in something you don't want to
get involved in,

and you can't call the police,
what would you do?

Is that a trick question?

It has been
from last night up to now.

Well, I suppose if this girl
was going to lose her life,

I'd have to try
and do something.

Well, people die every day.

Airplane crashes, freeways,
elevators...

People we don't know.
I mean, it happens.
Life goes on.

But if you could stop it,
you'd have to, wouldn't you?

Yeah, well, I'm very tired.
I haven't had much sleep.
Does that count?

I just don't know
how anybody could walk away
from something like that.

It would be almost
like k*lling her, wouldn't it?

Well, thank you. Thank you.

You would have to do
absolutely everything
you could

in order to try and help her.

Thank you very much.
That's all.

You see, I feel that
we're all responsible for
our fellow man.

And in that responsibility
is the opportunity to serve,

and the service
is a chance for the soul...

Susan, thank you very much.
That's all. Really.

I mean, it was an idle
question. I didn't plan to
write a paper or anything.

Doctor says you can take
Romanoff home tomorrow.

There, you see,
things are looking up already.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

CAROL: Who is it?

It's Jim Rockford.

Mr. Rockford?
How did you...

I found your parents
through Carbondale
telephone information.

They told me
you had an apartment.

I'm not here very much.

Is Jay here?

No. Please, come on in.

Well, see,
two days after I landed in LA,

I went dancing at this
private club that some guy
wangled me into.

I met Jay.
He was playing backgammon.

I never really came back here
much after that.

Except for today.

I tried to cheer him up.

I even offered to loan him
a few hundred.
It's all I have.

All he did was ride me
and get nastier and nastier.

We were at this coffee shop
and he got me crying,

so I went to the ladies' room
to dry off.

I just didn't want to go back
to that table.

Carol, Jay's sister
has been kidnapped.

Poor Jay.
Poor everybody.

I've just about worn out
a new set of radials
trying to find him.

Do you have any idea
where he might have gone?

Uh-uh. Except to Keith's...

I went to Keith's.
I went to the Daisy.

I even cruised Rodeo Drive
for about a half an hour.

Gianni has given him
a 10-hour deadline.

I should have stayed with him.
He's really gonna
need somebody now.

You know him probably
as well as anyone.

Do you think
there's a chance he could have
gone to his parents' home?

Are you kidding?
He hates them.
He hates even to talk to them.

Yeah, well, the way I've
got him figured, he's just
the kind of Jell-O mold

who'd go crying home
to Mommy and Daddy

the first time
things get rough. No matter
what he says about them.

Wow, I don't know.

He said
they lived in the Valley.
Do you have any idea where?

Oh, and did he ever mention
his father's first name?

Irving, I think. And I think
he said it was Sherman Oaks.

[KNOCKING]

ROCKFORD: Julius.

Hey, Julius.

[DOORBELL RINGING]
Hey, come on.
We know you're in there,

we saw you in the window.

Julius!

Ah, come on...

Why didn't you tell me
the door was open?

Why didn't you ask?

Do you have any idea
where your sister is
right now?

Yeah. I have an idea.
She's at the university

grinding away at her doctorate
in library sciences.

No, no. She is in the back of
some warehouse someplace
with Gianni Tedesco.

Your friend
who's into gangsters

is gonna break her in half
because of you.

What?
That's right, Jay.

It's just like that
neurotic cow to get right in
the middle of this thing.

Well, Gianni hangs out
with some ugly g*ons.

Maybe somehow she'll wind up
with a husband
because of this.

Oh, sure, sure.
Maybe she'll end up marrying
her physical therapist.

You're going to get her out,
Julius.

How, James? How?

Jay, can't you explain
the situation to your parents.

They'll understand.
They'll give you the money.

Yeah, which I take
to Gianni Tedesco
who wants to disembowel me.

Forget it.

You'll do it.
Or I'm going to plant you
in the front lawn.

You don't understand.
My parents are not here.

They're taking the first
vacation of their lives
right now.

You don't believe me?

There's an itinerary
on the kitchen table.

They took a Hadassah cruise
to Mazatlan.

Where do people like you
come from, Rockford?
That's my only question.

Just keep it up, Jay.
I'm loving every minute of it.

Oh, brother. Look,
what she wears to Mexico.
The coat and the hat.

Are those your parents?

If she ever gets in
Woman's Wear Daily,
I'm finished.

What well-known party-giver
and bon vivant

has parents who look like
they shovel coal for a living?

Did it ever occur to you
to buy your mother
a coat for Christmas...

No.
...instead of spending
all her money on parties...

No.
...for mobsters?

Now, what's this
about little Amy?

Mother, Father,
good afternoon.

When the fog...
They made us land
in San Diego

and we had to
take the train up,

I kept thinking, "That's it,
my daughter is dead."

"Good afternoon," is that
what the boy says?

His sister is in the hands
of thieves and he says
good afternoon

like this was a tea party.

Irv, please,
can't you see Julius is upset.

Isn't this priceless?

Will you button it, Jay?

You must be the Mr. Rockford
my son told us about
on the phone.

That's right. Yes, sir.

It's good to see my son
has a friend
who cares something more

than just pouring champagne
and looking at p*rn.

I'm afraid you're gonna
have to go to the well
one more time, Mr. Rockfelt.

$30,000.

Yeah.

That... That will
take me some time.

We'll be in my trailer
in Malibu.

That's the number
they're going to call.

Here's my phone number
and my address.

Soon as you get the money,
you contact me there.

Jay and I will be setting up
the exchange with Mr. Tedesco.

Hey, wait a minute. You think
I'm meeting with that
ball of fur, you're nuts.

You're gonna get your sister
out of the pool, Jay.

I don't care
if you don't like it.

As a matter of fact,
I hope you don't.

Can you arrange for
your own transportation, sir?

Yeah, yeah.

We'll take a cab.

And remember,
we're running short on time.

You're a nice kid,
but you're a little quiet.

Hey, Gianni,
it's been all day.

You said I could open up
at this time.

Who cares what time it is?

Go wash some dishes.

Who cares about 30 grand?
Thirty grand to me is bupkis.

What I care about is
nobody should treat me
like no jerk.

I'm dressed up
in my best custom-made stuff,

down on the dance floor
with a sweet chick,

dancing up a storm
and your brother's up
with the restaurant manager

making me look
like a pool cue.

So I use you, little girl,

to bring him into range
and I give him
a brain hemorrhage.

It's tragic,
because you're gonna
have a traffic accident.

Bad luck runs in families.

I knew this family once,
had four deaths in two weeks.

All traffic accidents.

Was a good break for me,
though,

I took over
a policy business in Jersey.

There was no one else
to run it.

Why'd he treat me like this?
He's your brother.

Why'd he make me
look like a fruit peddler?

Come on, answer me!

[PHONE RINGING]

Remember what I told you.

You got to get him
out of his car
for three minutes.

Okay, okay. I got you. Hello?

GIANNI: You got the money?

Gianni, look,
it was just a joke.

I told you.
You can't take a joke?

You like busses,
don't you, kid?

Take the money
to the bus station downtown.

Be there in 30 minutes.
Be next to the gum machine
at the 6th Street exit.

And have the money
in an airline bag.

Amy. What about Amy?

You think I want a broad
with hair all over her lip?

She's yours kid. As soon as
you pay for my birthday party.

I told you it was a joke.

You take me grunion hunting
in front of 300 people
and you call it a joke, huh?

Well, I ain't laughing.

I don't want to go.

I don't blame you.

Good luck.

Pop, I'm scared. Tell him
I can't go. Please.

Perhaps I could go
in his place.

I don't think it would work,
Mr. Rockfelt. They want Jay.

That was
the first stipulation.

He can do it.
Pop, you can do it, you can.

So, my son,
at last you will be paying
for one of your parties.

Put the money in the bag.

[THUNDER CLAPPING]

What do we do now?

Oh, I'm just guessing,
but I think I have an idea
of what he's got on his mind.

What?

He wanted you
over by the corridor,

so I think he's going to
put you on a bus.

Why?

The first rule in one of
these kinds of exchanges

is to isolate the man
with the money.

That way it eliminates
the possibility of him
carrying a police tail.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.
But you're going inside.
Now, have fun, huh?

Hey, don't leave me alone.

Gianni drives a Rolls Royce,
right?

Butter cream
with a chocolate top.

Okay, you just do
exactly as the man says.

If you don't,
I'm going to do you in.
Now go. Go on.

Hello, Jay.

Hey, Gianni.
Where are we going?

Great suit. I love the suit.

Where are we going?
Are we taking a bus?
Shut it.

Are we going on
one of the busses, huh?
Shut it, huh?

Get in.

GIANNI:
Drive, my man.

Look, Gianni,
I'm sorry about the party.
It was a joke.

It was a bad joke.
I have the money here for you.

Here, take a look.
Don't you want to see?

You just don't get it, do you?

What?

I'm gonna k*ll you, kid.
You and your sister,
unfortunately,

'cause there's no other way.

I'm gonna pick her up.
I got a rented car.

You and her are going to get
tied to the wheel

and make a wrong turn
into the river.

No, look, Gianni,
you can't do that.
That's m*rder.

Yeah.

Yeah, but why?
I have the money for you
right here.

Hey, I'm a kid in New York,
right?

My pop's an immigrant
with no education

and people spit on him,
you know?

Yeah? You think
your pop's bad, you ought to
take a look at mine.

Bad? Bad? My pop was the
sweetest man in the world.

They spit on him, but I said
nobody is ever gonna
spit on me.

So, I'm kind of
good-looking, right?

Very, very, very good-looking.
A young Paul Newman.

I come to LA to be an actor.

I get in a couple of
Presley films, but on-camera
I'm strictly wood.

So I meet a couple of people
like that Marissa,
Bob and Phyllis.

They think I'm kind of cute
because I'm mobbed up.

They invite me to parties.
But I'm no window shopper,
kid, I never was.

I want to fit in
with these people just once
and really be their friends.

I mean, it's one thing
to send your ma and pop
pictures with yourself

with Brando and Burton,
but it's another to know
that they care for you.

You fit in, Gianni.
You fit in.

Then you throw me
a birthday party.

I go out, I buy new clothes,
I get my hair styled.

I can't sleep the night before
'cause everybody's coming.

And what happens?

Yeah, well...

You stick me
with my own party.

I wind up Joe Goofball
who has to throw himself
a birthday party.

Everybody thinks I set
the whole thing up myself.

Order a cake
with the inscription,

"Happy Birthday, Gianni.
You're a swell guy."

What kind of jerk
puts that kind of inscription
on a cake he buys himself?

My first party and
everybody's laughing at me.

It's ruined 'cause of you.

I never been
so disgraced in my life

and you're plain gonna
have to pay for it.

Yeah, but I am paying for it.

Here, I'm paying for it here.

This party don't get paid for
with money, honey boy.

This is the party
you don't come home from.

Come on, Jay. Put yourself
on the other side.
It's crazy.

This is real crazy, Gianni.
You don't want to k*ll me.
Not over some stupid party.

This is not the time...

Look, I'll give you
another party.

I change the inscription
on the cake.

I don't want to die
in a rented car.
Let's go.

Come on.
Let's just go.

This is crazy.

Get in the car.

Gianni, it was just a party.

Boy, I guess he almost d*ed.

Yeah, the vet said
another ten minutes,
he could've been a goner.

Jay has a lot
to thank you for.

Hmm, you can see
I'm holding my breath.

What's wrong with him, Jim?

Already he's trying
to get back into
Keith's good graces

after Keith refused
to help him.

You'd think that would be
the end of it, but, no,

he's giving a theme party
for Keith.

Everybody has to dress up
like one of the characters
in Keith's albums.

Sounds like a great idea.

Jay is actually going to dress
like a dwarf in a helium hat

because that was
one of Keith's hit singles.

Sounded very appropriate.

There he is. Thank God.

The vet said
somebody paid the bill
and took him.

I need him
for Keith's party.

Keith had a hit single
couple years ago.
It was on the dwarf album.

It was called
The Streetwalker's
Four-Footed Friend.

I'm lending Romanoff
to Marissa.

Who's on the hook this time?

You going to stick Black Bart
with this one?

I am coming up with the ideas.
I am organizing it.

Doctor and Mrs. Caruthers
are paying.

And guess
who's the guest of honor?

This should appeal to
your sense of the absurd.

Your parents.

It was Amy's idea.

Yeah, and I think
it's a good one.

High camp, if you ask me.
Maybe just crazy enough
to get away with it.

Anyway, come on, Romanoff.

I know this is gauche,
but if you ever get around
to thinking about it,

you know, sometime would
you like to just reimburse me
for the vet.

It was $135.

Hey, look, if you're trying
to gouge me, forget it.

Because I've battled
some of Beverly Hills'

most aggressive caterers
to a standstill.

Okay, hey, hey,
just forget it.

This one's on me. All right?
Goodbye.

Are you coming, Carol?

I don't think so, Jay.

Suit yourself.
Come on, Romanoff.

Romanoff.

Come on, dog.

[DOG BARKING]

JAY: He bit me.
Why would he bite me?

Come here, come here.

Oh, you rascal.