02x04 - Just the Fax, Dan

[bunniefuu]

Ten bucks says that lady
clears it, no problem.

What? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm in.

Because she's got courthouse sushi.

She's not playing with a full deck.

- What are you guys doing?
- They just cleaned the door.

We're betting on
who can tell the difference

between glass and air. You want in?

Hey! None of that. It's
the new clerk's first night.

I want to make a good impression.

Wyatt is just what we're looking for.

He's a law student.
He has a lot of life experience,

And I'm just gonna say it...
The guy is cool.

You don't get to say what's cool.

I've heard you say "yikes,"
"yoinks," and "yowzers"

while dropping the same cookie.

Well, tonight I am a human chill pill.

Aah! That's him! Okay!
Everybody make him feel welcome.

Dan, smile! But maybe don't show teeth!

It's too late! He can hear everything!
Just follow your heart!

As someone who took chill pills
in the '80s,

you need a new dealer.

Nice to see you again, judge Stone.

Thanks for the incredibly
detailed directions,

down to the step.

Now I see why shoe size
came up in our interview.

Do I know you from somewhere?

Oh, yeah. Trader Joe's, 14th Street.

I used to work the sample station.

You're the lady who loops around
like six times

for salsa sh*ts then leaves.

Nope. Never mind. Never seen you.

I've probably run into
all of you at some point.

I've had a million jobs.

Spin instructor, hotel bellhop.

For a while,
I fixed granddaughter clocks.

There wasn't much of a market.

But I'm really excited to be here.

Who wouldn't be?
You know, on the one hand,

I mean, the money's not very good,

but then on the other hand,

this will do nothing for your career.

Don't listen to him.
You're gonna love it here.

It's just a breezy, fun,
totally normal place to work.

We've been hacked!
I repeat! We've been hacked!

Hand off your devices!

Don't worry! I have my whistle!
[WHISTLE BLOWS]

- No, a whistle is the cue for the...
- [MARCHING BAND PLAYING]

Very chill.

We're locked out of the server
and our e-mails.

Well, every time I refresh,
I just get that "bonk" sound.

- Bonk.
- [COMPUTER BONKING]

Bonk. Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk!

You know, it's sad
how helpless you all are

without your beep-boops and p*rn cubes.

Oh! What ever shall we do
without our precious computers?

We might actually
have to have a conversation.

I would love to have a conversation.

Ugh. Abby, not now!

We've got to figure out
this computer thing!

Isn't there an I.T. guy
who can fix this?

The I.T. department isn't open at night.

We do have an "It" department,
but it's just a clown

who smells like a sewer and says
our fear makes him stronger.

- [TELEPHONE RINGS, PRINTER WHIRRING]
- What's that sound?

It can't be. What... It...

[GASPS] It is!

- Is that a fax machine?
- Oh, yeah.

They put them in 10 years ago
to modernize the place.

It's a list of demands from the hacker.

He's gonna leak
all our personal information

unless the defendant
in the sixth case tonight

is found guilty.

What's the sixth case?

Oh! That's me.

Criminal Mischief. Code 17-3.

Destruction of a hotel room
by a non-musician.

I don't care what it is.

Abby Stone does not negotiate
with t*rrorists.

Or the cable company.
Nobody wants Starz.

Oh. Look at her go.

The curves of the Buick LeSabre,

the aroma... [SMELLS]

... of ink that you didn't know
could k*ll you.

"No police. I'm not messing around."

And then there's a picture
of someone dressed

as a high-school mascot.

The "Westview Goblin."

Actually, it kind of looks like...

No! It's not possible!

The only known copy is on my... phone.

So the hacker's in our personal devices.

That means he has all our secrets.

And our dance mixes!

This is from an online pet store.

There's enough toys here for 100 cats.

Or one open-minded human
who wants to work

on their dexterity
while lying in the sun!

This could get so much worse.

Goblin pictures are really
just the tip of the iceberg.

- This guy could ruin me.
- Not me.

The only thing on my phone
is an app that tells me

when something is hummus.

Heh-heh-heh. I'm not
gonna get fooled again.

[NAILS SCRAPING CHALKBOARD]

You all know me.
You know how I earn my living.

I'll catch that hacker for you.
But it ain't gonna be easy.

Not like going down to holding,
chasing drunks and tommycats.

I don't want no volunteers.
I don't want no mates.

I just want your trust.

And for that, I'll get you
the head, the butt,

the whole damn thing.

Great. So we're gonna do Gurgs' thing.

We'll slow things down in court
to give her some more time.

Yeah, that'll be easy.

Things never move as fast
as you want around here.

Yeah, but tonight it'll be on purpose!

Hey, Wyatt!

Did I interrupt something?

Just checking out my new workspace.

Making sure the drawer opens and shuts,

- which is what you want in a drawer.
- Interesting.

I understand you used to work
at a hotel.

Bet it makes you pretty mad
to hear about a case

where someone trashed
a innocent hotel room.

Not really. I've seen
those rooms under a black light.

They should allbe destroyed.

Sounds like a motive.

Looks like that drawer isn't the
only thing that's open-and-shut.

Okay. Dan Fielding,
saving the day once again.

I got us a tech expert.

That's your expert?
Some random kid you found?

Yeah. He's a teen. They love technology.

Probably taking his laptop to prom.

Alright, Shaggy, tell us what to do.

Have you tried unplugging it
then plugging it back in?

That's it?! How did you people
ever invent Facebook?

- Get outta here!
- Gurgs.

[HUSHED] Act like
I said something funny.

[NORMAL VOICE] Where are we
on the investigation?

[LAUGHING] I think
it's someone on the inside.

I don't know who to trust, Judge!

So now we're just laughing
to hide our fear?

No. It's real now. [LAUGHS]

I thought of something funny
to get myself started,

and now I can't stop!

Well, take all the time you need

because no one can slow things
down like Abby Stone.

See how I just referred
to myself in the third person?

That took a little more time
than saying "me."

And notice how now I'm explaining it?

Also more time.

You know, there is
another way we could stall.

We could use... The Box.

We're not using... The Box.

What's... The Box?

Don't ask about The Box.

God willing, you'll never need to know!

Alright. Let's call the first case.

The People versus Kyle Eh.

- Eh?
- Eh.

Ugh!

Where's a meaty five-syllable
last name when you need it?!

Alright, Counselor, please tell me

in excruciating detail
what Mr. Eh is charged with.

Unfortunately, the defendant has decided

to defend himself.

- Why is that unfortunate?
- He's an auctioneer.

Up to the counter. I said,
"Can I get seven scones?"

"No." "Can I get six?

Bid a little five.
Do I hear four? Three... two..."

Can't get two, can't get one.
Do I hear there are no scones?

I do! Out comes the Kn*fe!

Plunged into the chest
of the man behind the counter!

And I'm guilty. Going once, going twice.

Last and final call! I'm guilty!

Do I hear we're screwed?
Screwed going once.

Screwed going twice. We're screwed!

Court is moving a little faster
than I planned.

Is there any intel
you can give me on the case?

Like maybe the guy is guilty
and I'm worried over nothing?

He's actually a new legal classification

known as "Super Innocent."

There's proof that he wasn't
in the hotel room

when it was trashed,
we have time-stamped footage

of him at a bodega
buying grape soda for his son.

Grape soda? Can't you
at least find him guilty

of slowly poisoning his kid?

You know that's not an option.

And I have as much to hide
as anyone else.

I have a g*ns N' Roses tattoo
in a very g*ns N' Roses place.

- [TELEPHONE RINGS]
- Ah, the high-pitched siren song

when it receives its mating call.

Stop romanticizing the machine
that's destroying us!

- Whoa. What was that?
- Nothing.

It was one of yoursecrets, wasn't it?

Why are you being weird?
Is it about me?!

That's a crazy thing to think.

Unless it's because you have
a bunch of secrets about me.

You know what? Let's just
be clear for a second here

that I have zero thoughts
about either of you.

- But... But...
- Okay. This has gotten out of hand.

We're two grown adults.
I'm just gonna eat it.

Don't you dare! Fax ink?
It's like liquid asbestos!

Daughter of a magician.

Co-worker of lunatics. You know what?

I'm just gonna
have to solve this myself.

I'll open up a line
of communication with the hacker

and then simply outwit him...

like the mental game of chess
that I delivered

to that poor sucker
from the cable company.

You will never believethe deal
that I got on Starz.

Dan's right. We just have to focus.

We'll just keep stalling so Gurgs

can follow up on her lead,
and I wouldn't be surprised

if she has the culprit
in her crosshairs as we speak.

Sandy, I'm only gonna
ask you one more time!

What is your nighttime skin routine?!

We started this. We have to finish it.

No one will know I was involved.

Oh. Hey, Gurgs. Found the hacker yet?

As a matter of fact, I have a suspect.

Uh, maybe we could talk
about it over lunch.

- [CLANG]
- So... What's good here?

I know you're the hacker, Wyatt.

So you're just gonna claim
it's a coincidence

all this happened on your first night...

andyou happen to know your way
around a fax machine?

Only because I once worked
at a Fax Bistro,

a short-lived rival to Internet cafés.

I bet you think
you're a pretty cool customer.

Well, you're not the only
cool one around here!

Ooh.

- You don't look comfortable.
- Well, I am.

I know you're hiding something.

We can do this the easy way
or the orange way!

[THUD] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

- Can you grab those?
- [CELLPHONE RINGS]

I have to take this. We're good, right?

- Do you need anything?
- No. I'm fine.

But if you see Sandy, send him my way

and tell him "it happened again."

The altercation started
when the subway performer

Emcee Scruggs accused Mr. Beats-Fresh

of stealing his iconic
loco loco-motive dance move

with the pale imitation
choo-choo crazy train.

In order for me to settle this,
I'm gonna need to see

the full routine...
Probably a couple times.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ I got the flava to make 'em jump ♪

♪ I got the flava... ♪

- Oh, no. Blood?
- [BODY THUDS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

You know, it's times like this

I think we should reflect
on how lucky we are

that weweren't kicked in the head.

Let's take a short recess.

Dan! I figured it out.

The only way our secrets don't go public

is if you convince
number six to plead guilty.

You know what? I don't say
this to make you feel better,

but whatever you're trying to hide

can't be any more embarrassing
than what we already know.

Well, did you know that
I once tried to get Gurgs fired?

Well, in my defense, she made me take

a "Which 'Sex and the City'
Character Are You?" quiz.

And I got "Steve."

You tried to get Gurgs fired?
She's an angel!

I once saw her blow on a cocoon,

and I swear to God
a butterfly was born just then!

Lucky for you, I've almost ended this.

I buttered up the hacker
with this line...

"You know, we're not
so different, you and I."

Huh? And his response?

He sent me this picture
of his middle finger.

Now it's a dialogue.

Well, at least we got three
more cases to try and drag out.

The People versus Rosemary Smith,

Evie Brown, and Ellyn Daniel.

What? Aren't these supposed
to be three separate cases?

The decision was made to combine them.

- Why?
- [WOMAN GROANING]

Okay. Now I see why.

Your Honor, the three defendants

got into a prenatal brawl
at Osteria Pucillo when...

- [WOMAN MOANING]
- Your Honor,

the fight broke over Osteria's
pregnancy salad,

which has been known to induce labor!

It's the dressing.

We took turns chugging it
in the squad car, and n... ohh!

I know that you want
to slow things down, but

unless you hurry up, we're gonna
have three more defendants.

Fine. Go to the hospital. Time served.

Wait. If this is case
three, four, and five, then...

That means we're out of time.

Case six.
The People versus Ryan Umansky.

Okay. Guess we have no choice.

- Gurgs, get The Box.
- [WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

Yo! Where did
that box of bees come from?!

I counted 10, 20, 25, 30!

- Do I hear 40? 40 bees!
- [BEES BUZZING]

I should've asked
more questions about The Box!

[GASPS]

Oh, Gurgs. Glad you're here.
Had a thought.

Next time you call it "The Box,"
maybe add "of Bees"...

because some of us are pretty allergic.

Those were circus bees
who gave up their stingers

for a life in the theater.

What kind of courthouse
do you think I run?

Well, that explains why they
were making fun shapes and...

But that's all it explains.

We don't have time for
this game of fax and mouse.

Either you come clean,

or I sign you up
for Kohl's Cash Rewards.

It's so many e-mails,

and the unsubscribe
is a three-step process.

You'll never do it!
So what are you hiding, Wyatt?!

What are you hidin'?!

This isn't worth it!
It's Jupiter, okay?!

I've been sneaking off to paint Jupiter.

My daughter has a solar system
due tomorrow,

and if she doesn't get a good grade,

she loses her screen time.

And I need her to have her screen time.

Well, I didn't know you had kids.

With all this stuff going on,

it didn't leave a lot of time
for small talk.

And then you thought I hacked
the server, which is hilarious.

With what time?

I'm a divorced law student
with two little girls

and a goldfish I'm pretty sure
is romantically in love with me.

I'm spinning so many plates,

the mom text chain
just voted me "Messiest Bitch"!

And that's saying something
because Julie's on there!

- [CELLPHONE RINGS]
- You've got to be kidding me.

Okay. Uh...

I've got an investigation... to start.

What, Julie?

No, I don'tknow where your kids are.

So the bright side
of the random bee att*ck

is that we could chat, Mr. Umansky.

Was just wondering, is there anyone

who you think might want
to see you thrown in jail?

No. Everyone loves me.
My wife says I'm tooloved.

Okay, well, what were you
doing in the hotel room

before the destruction occurred?

I was making love to my mistress.

I believe it's what the French call...

[FRENCH ACCENT] ... Le Noonér.

So when your wife says
you're too loved...

She means by many women
who aren't her. That's right.

So glad my reputation is gonna be ruined

just so that this guy can sleaze it up

with a woman I assume is named Trish.

I wishl could land a Trish.

Seems to me that an affair
might lead to some grudges.

My wife, I guess.

My mistress's husband.

My othermistress.

But not my other mistress's husband

because, weirdly, he's rooting for us.

- Court's clear, Your Honor.
- That was fast.

I knewwe should've used The Big Box.

Patricia Guberman? you're looking good.

You know, I'm on trial
for the next couple hours,

but afterwards...

- You know, I go by "Trish" now.
- Oh.

Well, I guess all the secrets
are gonna come out now.

It's been really nice not knowing you.

You'll never guess what Wyatt found.

I was sorting through garbage,
looking for things

to make into Venus,
and I stumbled on this.

- That's my secret!
- That's your secret?

Run!

How do you have that?
I threw it out a window!

I mean, made it disappear.

A magician's daughter
never reveals her secrets.

Because this isn't the one you received.

It's the original the hacker
faxed you. No timestamp.

If you found that in
the garbage here, that means...

That the hacker's been in
the courthouse the whole time.

And thanks to Dan's uncanny
ability to irritate strangers,

we know what the guy's
middle finger looks like.

So we can catch him,
but it's gonna take all of us

working as a team together.

Yoinks!

***

So we know this middle finger
is somewhere in this courtroom.

- We just have to find it.
- I know my way around a pair of hands.

I used to work for Kate Cavanaugh.

She's the Meryl Streep
of shadow puppets.

You go, new guy, and I swear...

if you find that finger,
I'll learn your name.

Okay, before we begin,
I'd like to invite the gallery

to enjoy complimentary hand massages

courtesy of our clerk and bailiff.

Your Honor, can we scoot this along?

I got a date with
the beekeeper after this,

and she's a real smokeshow.

[HUSHED] That's how she gets
the bees back in the box.

Everything okay
in the gallery there, Bailiff?

Someone doesn't want his hands touched.

Well, there's nothing
we can do if people

don't want their hands touched.

Except have them arrested!

That was a middle finger, but
not the one we were looking for.

Okay. This is an extensive list
of property damage.

Would it be possible
to hear it out loud?

I get nauseous reading

while thinking about driving.

I got you, Your Honor.

Damage includes...

one smashed door, brown...

one torn pillow, down...

one destroyed painting, clown.

And now a list of items that
were missing from the mini-bar.

Grape soda. And that's the whole list.

So the only thing missing from
the mini-bar was grape soda.

- His alibi.
- Mr. Umansky, do you drink grape soda?

My client has already stated
that he's not a fan.

It's his son who likes it.

Was your son with you at the
hotel on the night in question?

Clearly, you've never had an affair.

Kids totallykill the vibe.

Is it possible that
he snuck into the hotel room

and trashed it to frame you?

Perhaps as revenge for sleeping
with half of Manhattan?

If only the boy himself could tell us.

Because if he was acting out of anger

over his father's infidelities,

the court would be very sympathetic!

And he's just crawling away!

Beau?!

- The "just unplug it" kid is...
- The hacker!

Ha ha! I said it first! I solved it!

Kids really do k*ll the vibe,
don't they?

I can't believe how crazy today was,

but I have an idea to make sure

that nothing like that
ever happens again.

Change the Wi-Fi password from nothing?

We tell all of our secrets
to each other... right now.

I'm good.

- [RATTLING]
- Oh, God. The door's locked!

Abracadabra, open the door!

Her name is... I wasn't
trying to use magic to open...

Why am I explaining myself to you?!

No one leaves this room
until it's all out on the table.

I'll go first.

This fax was a print-out
from my Notes app,

where I complain about
all of you to let off steam.

"Olivia is very quick

to cross her arms
and blame other people."

What?! Who told you that?! Carol?!

Whatever.

Now I don't have to feel so bad
about trying to get you fired.

You said you tried to get Gurgs fired.

Oh, I tried to get you all fired.

There. That's my secret. I shared it.

Feels amazing! Now let me out!

Well, I'll go next.

The secret ingredient
in my world-famous stew

is two bottles of gin.

You're so drunk after the first bite,

you don't realize how
bad it is! [LAUGHS]

See? This is great.
Now Wyatt knows everything,

and we don't have to worry
about making a good impression.

That was you trying
to make a good impression?

Gurgs threatened to b*at me
with a sack of oranges.

Oh, you know what?
Since you're all sharing,

I wasn't completely honest
about not having any secrets.

"Mr. Monk and the Bayou Blues"?

It's my "Monk" fan fiction.

You know what? Now that it's out,

I would humbly have the pleasure
of sharing it all with you.

- No.
- Ah...

One thing to note... in my version,

Monk doesn't have OCD.

I never saw the point of that. Uh...

"Monk climbed out
of the Atchafalaya Basin,

his body covered in mud...

or as he liked to call it,
'Louisiana Gold.'"

Also, one more note...
in my version, Monk's a Cajun.

Abby, please let us out!

This is why I always
carry a flask of stew.