03x16 - Messin' Around

[bunniefuu]

So the question is,
what has yellow wings, a beak and goes,

[GRUFFLY] "chirp"?

ALL: A 300-pound canary!

Oh, you guys heard it before,
huh? Five years ago.

So you broke up with Betty, huh?

Now what makes you say that?

John, don't you know the only thing
more obvious than a Chet Kelly joke

is your just having
broken up with a girl?

What happened?

[PHONE RINGING]

I think I was a better cook
than her, Marco.

Really?
What a frightening thought.

L.A. County Fire Department,
Captain Stanley.

Yes, just hold on, please.

John, it's for you.
It's a female.

Oh!

Well,

I'll take it in the dorm.

Hold on, please, ma'am.

The bird dog is aroused.
I saw his nose twitching.

It's his aunt.

And now the Phantom Bomber
prepares to strike.

The world's greatest water b*mb.

You gonna drop that on Gage?

Yeah.

You'd do that to guy
who just lost a girl again?

Sure, it'll take
his mind off it.

[WHISTLING]

Up here...

Johnny. What?



[CHET LAUGHING]

I think you've started
something you're gonna regret.

But nobody escapes the Phantom.

[ALARM SOUNDING]

DISPATCHER ON RADIO:
Station 51, tree fire.

Amherst Road,
east of Pinewood Junction.

Amherst Road,
east of Pinewood Junction.

Time out, 1149.

STANLEY: Station 51.


[SIREN WAILING]

[HORN BLARING]

Pull the reel line, Chet.

Roy, inch and a half.
Marco, an inch and a half.

I put the call in.

Saw the fire from
my place over there.

Anything I can do to help?

No, we'll have this out
in a couple of minutes.

Okay.

What'd he say?

He called in the alarm.

Oh! Oh!

My God!

WOMAN: Help! Help!
Can't you see my...

[CHILD SCREAMING]

Oh, no! Help! Help!

My daughter, she has
a tree house up there.

[GIRL SCREAMING]

My little girl!

Please help me.

STANLEY: He's going up there.
WOMAN: Oh, God!

Help her.

Stoker, Kelly, get the
extension ladder, boys.

GIRL: Mommy, Mommy, please!

[GIRL SCREAMING]

Mommy, please!

Please, please!

All right, sweetheart. Okay.

I'm gonna get you out of here.

All right. Now, come on,
I want you get on my back, okay?

We're going on
a horsy-back ride here.

Put on my helmet.

Hang on tight.

Now hang on tight.

Easy does it.

[GRUNTING]

Cindy! Cindy, darling!

She's all right. She's okay.

Oh, sweetheart.

She's all right. Why
isn't she saying anything?

She's okay.

Cindy! Okay, you can let go now.

Was that your first
horsy back ride?

L.A., Engine 51.
Fire's under control.

Station 51 out, 20 minutes.

She's got a few minor burns.

I'd like to treat them here, but we'd
like to take her to Rampart anyway.

Yeah.

L.A., Engine 51, respond
an ambulance to our location.

DISPATCHER: Engine 51.

Let's check you out here.

Oh, darling.

Thank you.

It's all right.

Thank you.

Come here, sweetheart.

I thought everybody knew that.

You see, the name Cindy
comes from Cinderella.

So I guess you must have a fairy
godmother who watches over you, young lady.

And she gave that fireman
wings to fly up

and save you.

GIGGLING.

The fireman was wonderful.

He was a real hero.

Was he wearing a mask

and riding with
an Indian companion?

[LAUGHING] No.

No!

He had dark hair.

And he was handsome
and he had a crooked smile.

Oh.

That sounds like Johnny Gage.

Excuse me, Bill. Right.

Come on, Cindy,
doctor's ready to see you now.

Bye-bye, Cindy. Bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Who's that nice man?

He is nice, isn't he?

We call him Old Bill.

Comes in often and reads
stories to the kids.

Wonderful. Does he work here?

No, he pretends to be sick

as an excuse to visit.

I think he's just lonely. Oh.

Bill. Ah, the hero arrives.

What you mean, hero?

The hero that saved the little
girl from the fiery jaws of death.

Oh, you heard about that, huh?

You know hospitals, Johnny,
stories spread like wildfire.

Excuse the expression.

Hey, Johnny, Cindy's mother,

you know, she couldn't stop
talking about you.

Oh, yeah?

You wanna know something else?

She's a widow, Johnny.

Oh, yeah?

He wouldn't take advantage
of a young lady's gratitude.

Would you, John?

So long, Bill.

So long, Roy.

Hey, Doc.

Bill! Where have you been
these past few days?

Well, grandchildren
were visiting

and, boy,
they're a bunch of tigers.

How're you feeling?

A little bursitis

and tired and weak.

You know how it is.

Bill, you know something?

You've been
tired and weak for years.

But I'm losing weight, too, Doc.

Fifteen pounds.

And this darn back of mine.

WOMAN ON PA: Dr. Joe Early,
call extension 1941.

Doc, do you think you could
possibly give me another blood test or...

Or something?

Look, will you remind me,
okay? Right.

And keep the customers
happy, okay?

Oh, you betcha, Doc.

Yes, sir.

Just a few slight burns.
Oh, good.

You're gonna be just fine.

Thanks to you.

Oh, well, I was just...
I was just doing my job.

Oh, the way you took charge.

How many men do you have
working for you?

[STAMMERING] Well, I...

I don't have any men
working under me.

Oh, the way the men
on the hose protected you.

Like a general.

Yeah, well, you know, actually,

I think they were kind of
protecting Cindy more than me. It's...

Well, both of you.

Do you know you're very modest?

That's a wonderful quality.

Howdy.

How's the little girl?

Oh, she's fine. She's fine.

How's her mother?

She's fine, too.

She wants to visit me
at the station.

I don't know.
I mean, she just...

She thinks I'm head honcho
around here or something.

Mmm-hmm. How did she get that idea,
John? I don't know, man.

I wasn't the one that told her. She
wouldn't even buy anything I said.

Oh, no, I'm sure. Listen,
I've got it for you, John. What?

You get a mop,
and you be Latrine Officer of the day.

Latrine Officer of the day.

Thanks, Cap. Glad to help.

Kelly? Shh!

The Phantom lurks everywhere.

The Phantom strikes everyone,
regardless of rank.

Hey, Cap-

[ALARM SOUNDING]

DISPATCHER: Station 51,
unknown type rescue.

617 and a half, Kimball Road.

617 and a half, Kimball Road.

Time out, 1422.

STANLEY: Station 51.


[HORN BLARING]

Man,

the Phantom's gonna get his.

Fire Department.

Are you guys here
on some kind of inspection?

No, ma'am, we got a call
from this address.

Not me, I didn't call.

Anybody need help?

Well, my husband's home sick.

Maybe he called. How long ago?

Four, five minutes.

No. Couldn't have been him.

Maybe there's somebody else
in the house other than you two.

No. Uh-uh.

[RADIO BEEPING]

DISPATCHER: Station 51,
are you available?

Engine 51,10-4.
Squad 51 is not available.

Engine 51, trash container fire.

Harbor and Wilmington.
Harbor and Wilmington.

Time out, 1430.

Engine 51.

Well, look, being we're here,

maybe we could just come in
and take a look at him.

I'm glad to have someone else
tending His Royal Majesty for a change.

Come on in.

Is this it here?
Yes, right here.

How you doing? Did you
call the Fire Department?

Well, what on earth for?

[MAN WHISPERING]

He's going fast.

"My voice."

His voice is going.

"
'm scared."

Look, don't worry about a
thing. You're gonna be all right.

You hypochondriac.

I'm gonna get Rampart.

The hospital? Oh, no.

Ma'am, we're just
gonna make sure

that there's nothing seriously
wrong with your husband, okay?

Oh, well, really, none of this
is really necessary.

It was just...

I just did it to shut him up. I mean,
I never thought he'd panic.

What did you do? I...

Well, you see, my husband
is really a nice guy, usually.

But when he is sick,
dramatic. He moans all the time.

I just couldn't
stand it anymore.

So I took some sap
from my dieffenbachia plant.

I'm a plant freak, see.

And I put some in his medicine.

It only takes your voice
away for an hour or so.

Rampart, Squad 51.



Rampart, we have a male
in his late 40s.

He's in bed with the flu.
Hold on for vital signs.

BP's 140 over 85.

Pulse is 76.

Respiration's 16.

Rampart, vital signs.
BP 140 over 85,

pulse 76, respiration is 16.


any additional information?

Yes, Rampart.

Dieffenbachia sap.

It was ingested into his system,
resulting in his loss of his voice.

Is dieffenbachia sap
harmful otherwise?

Dieffenbachia?

Dix, do you recall if
dieffenbachia sap is harmful?

Dieffenbachia sap
is not harmful.

It only takes your voice away.

That's why it's called
the "Mother-in-Law" plant.

Botany 1A.


a personal physician

if symptoms persist.



You're all squared away.

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

I'm really sorry he put you
to all this trouble.

It's all right.
It's better to be safe.

"Thanks."

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

You know,

I think I'm gonna pick up a few
gallons of that dieffenbachia sap

to use around the station.

It might come in a little handy.

Well, the only trouble
with that is

Chet Kelly without a voice
would be such a pathetic sight

I don't even think
you and I could enjoy it.

Yeah.

Maybe you're right.

But it's still nice to know you got the
ultimate w*apon in case you need it.

STANLEY: L.A., Engine 51

requests Squad 51 at Harbor
and Wilmington. Code R.

[BEEPING]

DISPATCHER: Squad 51, LA.

Squad 51.

Respond with Engine 51,

Wilmington and Harbor.

Wilmington and Harbor.

Time out, 1440.

Squad 51.10-4.

Yeah.

Glad you got here. The owner
of the station looks pretty sick.

He says it's just
the excitement,

but the pump attendant in there
says he collapsed last week.

So I don't know.

Okay, well, we'll check it out.

Howdy.

Hiya. Hi.

Welcome to Gus's
Service Station. I'm Gus.

How you feeling?

Oh, your captain over there is
making a big thing out of nothing.

Well, you know, that could be.

But maybe we should take
a look at you just in case.

No.

Nothing.

Just the fire, besides,
I got a customer.

Okay.

Hey, wait a minute.
Hey, you all right?

Let's... Let's... Come on.
Let's give you a hand here.

Yeah. I'll get the
equipment. All right.

No, I'm good. Hey.

Come on, we're gonna go over
here and we're gonna set you down.

It's indigestion. Besides I
got a... Let's take it easy.

You can take care
of the customer later.

Now I want you to come over
here with me and sit down, okay?

You're gonna feel much better.

We'll sit you right here.

Here, Gus. Why don't you
just sit down here.

Rampart, this is Squad 51.

Go ahead, 51.

He's complaining of indigestion.

Rampart, we have a male patient,
approximately 50 years of age.

He's weak and complaining
of indigestion.

Stand by, 51.


any abdominal tenderness?

I didn't check.

Stand by, Rampart.

I'll take a look
at your tummy here.

Hey, this is ridiculous.

Come on, cut it.

Why don't you guys leave me
alone and let me go back to work?

Gus, Gus, now, just settle down.

I can't hear your BP when
you're hollering like that.

Rampart, patient has moderate
abdominal tenderness and rigidity.

Stand by for BP.



Rampart, BP is 70 over 40.


a perforated ulcer.

Start an IV with Ringer's
lactate and bring him in.



Ulcer? You're nuts!

I pump gas and clean Windshields.
I don't run no oil company.

Ulcers don't happen
to guys like me.

Look, I'm gonna go back to
work. You guys can't keep me here.

All right. Now, Gus,
all right. Okay, okay.

I'm gonna call the hospital and
tell them you're not gonna go.

All right.

Rampart, patient is protesting.

All right, 51.

Tell him for me that he's
probably bleeding internally.

Without treatment he has days,
maybe hours, to live.

Get to a doctor or bleed to death,
that's his choice.

Rampart, he heard what you said.

Let me know when he arrives.

Then Grandma,
who was really the wolf in disguise,

said, "Ha, ha!"

"A
the better
to eat you with, my dear."

Then he made a grab for her.

[ROARING]

[GROANING]

Bill, are you all right?

Sit down.

Oh, my back.

Now, you stick around. I want to
examine you before you leave today.

Nice thing about being young,

everything's funny.

I mean it, Bill.
I wanna check you out.

I'm good. It'll give me something
to come back for tomorrow.

WOMAN ON PA: Dr. Brackett,
Emergency.

Today, Bill.

Let's take him in 1.

All right. Thanks, fellows.

Yeah, right.

I just don't get it, Doc.

Why me?

I ain't no executive
with a high-pressure job.

I just run a gas station.

Well, let's put it this way.

Who has more right
to an honest ulcer than you?

Day in, day out,
you've got the energy crisis,

the price squeeze, competition.

Yeah.

Yeah. The books, the deliveries,

window displays.
Yeah. Guess you're right.

Sure.

What I don't get now, Doc, is

what keeps firemens
from catching ulcers?

Okay.

Open it LIP-

Well, it's your locker.

It's okay. Open it up.
Stay right there

and open it up.

Hold it.

Okay, now open it.

Boy, you really
don't trust me, do you?

[LAUGHING]

WOMAN ON PA: Can I
have a doctor in Treatment 1?

Can I have a doctor
in Treatment 1?

Mike, have you seen Old Bill?

A few minutes ago.
Said he'd be back tomorrow.

Thanks.

John, a friend of yours is here.

She says she came
to inspect your station.

Oh, well.

Thanks, I'll be right there,

Cap.

My station.

This... This here
is the apparatus room.

Oh. Where is your office, John?

My office.

Well, actually,

right here. Oh.

Oh, is that it? Yeah.

See, my office is on wheels.

[CHUCKLING]

Soto speak. Well, John.

What's in here?

Oh, that's gear.
It's just gear in there.

Can I see?
Well, I wouldn't recommend...

Hey, what happened?

You're wet.

Yeah, I thought that stuff
was supposed to stay dry.

What do you think
happened here, Cap?

I don't know.
I guess I just lost control.

Why don't a couple of you
clean it up?

And, John, please,
go right on with your tour.

Little station humor.

Are you gonna let them
get away with it?

Well, I mean...

Yeah, ifs just... I mean,
I can't... I mean...

[ALARM SOUNDING] Oh.

I've got to run. Bye.

DISPATCHER:
Station 51, man down.

533 State Road.

533 State Road.

Cross Street, Fairview.

Time out, 1505.

STANLEY: Station 51.


[HORN BLARING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

STANLEY: Fire Department.

Fire Department.

Kelly, check the windows.

Okay, Captain.

Hello,
it's the Fire Department. Is anybody home?

Hey, Cap, there's a guy
on the floor in there.

Hey, Roy, it's Old Bill.

Go ahead and pop it open, Kelly.

All right, I've got it.

Bill? Can you breathe all right?

[GASPING]
Yeah. I'm breathing, Johnny.

Where's Roy?

He's right here. He's
right here. Just calm down.

I guess I finally
got sick for real.

[GASPING]

Just gonna stretch
your arm here.

I couldn't believe
it at first myself.

Spend all my time
hanging around the hospital,

and then...

Then I come home

to die.

Hey, Bill, we're not
gonna let you die.

DIXIE: We're holding a
treatment room for him.

What is it, Joe?
He's gone into a coma, Kel.

WOMAN ON PA: Dr. Alan. Dr. Alan,
an emergency.

It's probably septic shock.

Something has been attacking
his system for weeks.

His complaints lately were
the same he's always given us.

Muscular stiffness, backaches.

Headaches.

Weakness, general fatigue.

Yeah, but the symptoms
are so vague.

They've never
checked out before.

Dix, I want
a blood culture and an EKG.

We'll keep you guys posted.

Thanks, Doc.

You know, I just couldn't
believe it

when we saw Old Bill lying
there on the floor like that.

Well, I guess you get so
used to hearing his complaints,

after a while you just don't...
You don't listen anymore.

Yeah, a lot of us didn't.

You better hurry, Chet.
He's back.

The Phantom never panics.

Hey, guys! Welcome!

[ALARM SOUNDING]

DISPATCHER: Squad 51,
a child has swallowed ant poison.

534 Claremont Drive.

534 Claremont Drive.

Time out, 1610.

STANLEY: Squad 51,


Hello, I'm Mrs. Wheeler. Look,
I'm terribly sorry about all this.

Someone phoned in about a
child swallowing some ant poison.

I wasn't home when he called.

He didn't take any poison.

[BOY GROANING] Well, if he did,
it could be very, very serious.

No, I tell you he didn't.

Last week he called the police.

Said there was a python
in the backyard.

And before that it was the
gas company about a leak.

Well, why don't we just go in and check
him out. Just to make sure, all right?

No, no, you'll only
encourage him.

Ma'am, it's very important
that we know for sure.

I'm sure.

Roy. John. Vince.

What's the problem? Boy in
there may need some help, but

she won't give us
permission to examine him.

[GROANING]

Serious?
It looks that way from here.

Lady, you're obstructing
a rescue.

Now, please, get back
out of the way.

Thank you.

[BOY GROANING]

Mom, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

We'll need the hospital.

[SOBBING]

Rampart, the patient is diaphoretic
and is complaining of abdominal pains.

His pupils are responsive.

KELLY: 10-4, 51.

Start an IV with D5W.

Administer one milligram
atropine IV.

Insert gastric tube
and begin lavage.

Transport as soon as possible.
We'll keep the line open.

[SIREN WAILING] 10-4, Rampart.

Rampart, the ambulance
is now at the scene.

[BOY GROANING]

All right.

It's okay.

Okay.

You're okay.

I'll take your helmet in.

All right? Yeah.

You can ride with us
in the ambulance if you want.

Ma'am, you're gonna have
to ride in the front. Okay?

All right. Ride in the front.

Rampart, patient has gone
into respiratory arrest.

Request esophageal airway.



All right, bag him.

Yeah, real good.

WOMAN ON PA: Dr. Alex Lopez.
Dr. Alex Lopez.

We're ready in 3.

I'm sorry. You'll have to
wait out here.

There was nothing any
of us could do. Yeah.

How is he? Is he gonna be okay?

I'm sorry.

I thought he was just trying
to get attention.

[CRYING]

He was always trying
to get attention.

How did it go at Rampart, Roy?
The kid pull through?

No.

Hey, John, don't.

Huh?

Just don't.

What's the matter?

Oh, man.

The Phantom doesn't like
to strike at times like this.

Well, when you see the Phantom,

tell him "thank you"
for both of us, will you?

Yeah.

Oh, he knows. The Phantom knows.

He's everywhere.

And he knows how much you guys
tried to do for the kid.

This is the four-year
history on it.

I'm not really sure how long
she's going to be able to maintain it.

You know, you were right
about Old Bill, Kel.

Bone disease.

Osteomyelitis
and then septic shock.

Yeah, and we got it
in time, too.

Good. Thanks, Joe.

Joe, I need to talk to you
about... I got this x-ray...

[MUMBLING]

Hi.

Hi.

Be right back.

It's Bill. He's coming around.

Brought one of your friends
in to see you.

You really are a friend, Doc.

Giving me this nice room

and

the most beautiful nurse
in the hospital.

Well, you know, Bill, we're gonna have
to keep a close eye on you for some time.

Even after you're released.

Really?

We wanna see you back here
every day until you feel 100%.

I haven't been 100%
in longer than I can remember.

But I feel pretty close right...

Well,

pretty close.

[ALARM SOUNDING]

DISPATCHER:
Station 51, Engine 18.

Vehicle accident at the dump.


115 Waldo Road. Time out, 1750.

STANLEY: Station 51.


[HORN BLARING]

MAN: Bulldozer came off
that cliff onto the dump truck.

There's a man trapped inside
the cab of that truck.

STANLEY: Okay, we've got
a man trapped.

The driver of the bulldozer
is over there.

I think he's got a broken leg.

All right.
I'll get the man in the cab.

Gotta get the Jaws.

L.A., Engine 51.
Return Engine 18.

DISPATCHER: Engine 51.

Engine 18, cancel.

I got it. Thank you.

H's my leg.

Feel anything else? No.

It feels like it's broken.

I'll take that.

When that cliff first started coming down,
I'd have settled for anything.

Yeah, it must have been
quite a ride.

Quite a ride.

JOHNNY: He's conscious!

Rampart, this is Squad 51.

Go ahead, 51.

We have two victims.

Number one has a broken tibia,
which we've splinted.

And number two is still
inaccessible, please stand by.



JOHNNY: Get...

Okay. Pull him back.

Okay. Put him down right here.
Over here.

Joe?

Where's Joe?

Hold it. Hold it. Joe?

Who's Joe?

He's my partner.

He was in the back of the
truck when we got clobbered.

All right. Just relax.

Here, I got him. Over here.

Let's get him out of here.

Here he is. Watch that.

Let's get him out of here.
Take him over there.

All right, this way.

Let's turn him over.

All right, we got a pulse.

We got a pulse over here.

JOHNNY: Rampart,
all three victims are stabilized,

and we're getting ready
to transport.



Approximately




[WHISTLING]

Hey, I just got off the phone
with that lovely young lady.

She's got a sitter for
tomorrow night. We got a date.

You're kidding.

No, I'm not kidding.

Hey, are we gonna
eat off the table?

Huh? Hey,
are we gonna eat off the table?

Oh, no, no... Eat off the table.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Well, it do look like
the Phantom got caught.