01x04 - D is for Debbie

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: In the first three weeks of a relationship, you try and show the best version of yourself. But it's not really you. It's an idealized version... A fantasy. And, eventually, sometimes sooner than expected, life comes along and exposes another side of you.

[Cellphone vibrates]

He-ey!

Are you ready for your first Kings game?!

Um... Actually... Just to warn you up front, I tend to get a little tough on the refs. It's just kind of something I'm known for.

Andrew, do you remember my aunt Debbie? She's not really my aunt, but I call her that because she was like a second mom to me?

Yeah, the... the one you threw-up on at space mountain?

Yeah, that's her.

Every time Zelda's mother needed to "find herself"...

[Car horn honks]

She's drop her off with her friend Debbie.

It could last a week, a month...

The fourth grade.

She... d*ed this morning.

Um...

Let's go, King-ings!

It's the one-syllable team names that are hard.

Buddy, why are you frowning? You're gonna ruin your makeup.

I need your energy today!

Let's do this!

Narrator: Andrew and Zelda will date for eight months, two days, and one hour. This television program is the comprehensive account of their relationship... From A to Z.

Poor Zelda.

It's really hard to lose a relative.

It is.

I mean, Debbie and Zelda weren't actually relatives, but...

Wait a second. Wait a second.

Then why did we sell the Kings tickets?

You want me to ask for them back?

Yeah.

You're an idiot.

I'm not an idiot.

Aw, dude, look! It's a Foosball table!

Big bird must be getting into the whole, like, laid-back, silicon valley vibe.

I'm gonna go, uh, call Zelda.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. Let's play.

I want to b*at you like a red-headed stepchild.

Aren't you a red-headed stepchild?

I'm Sandy blonde.

Ah.

[Laughs]

Y-you guys, you want to play some Foosball?

No. Bad idea.

No way.

What are you talking about?

This is a honey trap.

A what?

The KGB used to lure Americans with hot women that turned out to be Russian spies.

Yeah, big bird put this here to find out who's not working hard enough.

No, no, no, no. You are being paranoid.

Sometimes, a hot Russian woman is just an awesome, hot Russian woman.

So... Who's ready for some Foosball?!

Come face the champion!

[Over P.A.] Bartokowski, my office!

So, corporate...

Corporate, good to see you.

Has asked me to trim the fat here.

And there's no better way to suss out poor productivity than a good, old-fashioned honey trap.

You seem to have a problem focusing on your work, evidenced by a distinct dearth of products and innovation of late.

Oh, right.

Lydia, I am on a precipice.

Things are cyclical, so...

Here's the deal.

You bring me a big idea that can help the bottom line of this company by the end of the day, or you'll be gone faster than that Foosball machine.

Hey, Zelda. It's me. Just checking in.

I-I-I don't mean to bother you, but, uh... but I-I know that this is a sensitive time for y...

My life is falling apart! I'm in free fall!

There's... there's no net!

There's no net underneath me!

So... Call me.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry.

Big bird is giving me to the end of the day to come up with some big idea.

And I have... I have nothing.

I don't even know what I want for lunch.

What have you been working on for the past month?

Well, I've been coming up with names for the nine different fantasy-football leagues I'm in.

So, tell me what you think.

Stu's clues.

Stubastank.

[Sighs]

Stu's afraid of Virginia Woolf.

Too literary?

Stupac Shakur.

Boner police.

Do you think Zelda's gonna invite me to the funeral?

Well, you've been together for three weeks.

That would make this your...

Ninth date?

No! Absolutely not. No. It's way too soon.

Well, why not? It's not even really a funeral.

And what with all Debbie's music friends, it will be more of a celebration of life.

And that's kind of Andrew's jam.

We have only been dating for three weeks.

It is way too soon for him to see...

See what?

That whole side of me.

It's way too soon. Okay?

Maybe... just maybe... if it's the right person, there's no such thing as "way too soon."

Well, either way, it doesn't matter because you're gonna be there, because you're still coming, right?

Yes. Yes. Of course I'm coming.

Of course I'm coming.

You know what? I'm not gonna worry about it.

Yeah. Andrew probably doesn't want to go.

So... We're good.

I feel like I want to go to this funeral.

Zelda might need me.

Although, I'm... I'm not sure that she wants me.

She hasn't invited me.

Well, that didn't stop me.

Narrator: This is true.

When Andrew's mother d*ed, Stu showed up with a meat plate.

He's pretty much been by Andrew's side ever since.

I think that when someone is in mourning, they need two things.

They need a friend and a big pile of cured meats.

[Indistinct conversations]

Hey.

What did you decide about Andrew?

Oh, that felt like it would have been a mistake, so...

Oh. How'd he take it?

Uh, well, I didn't actually tell him.

I think silence speaks volumes in situations like this, you know?

Yeah, I do know, but I don't think he does.

I'm sorry. I should have called.

I should have been clear that this was way too soon.

Hmm.

You know what, though?

I bet, in six months from now, we could be really happy together at a funeral.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

I just... I just figured you shouldn't be alone at a time like this.

That's all.

Thank you. I very much appreciate that.

And you know what? I do have Stephie here.

Uh... Stephie...

Is flirting with that guy.

You've been working out.

Okay.

Listen. Bottom line is, I'm gonna be fine.

I'm just not ready for you to meet my bonkers family yet, okay?

In fact, I think you should go.

I'm gone. Don't worry about it.

Okay. All right. Thank you so much.

I'm leaving.

Hey, Zebra!

Yes, hi!

[Laughs]

Hi, Uncle Dave! Hi!

Hey! How are you doing?

Ah! Look at this!

Uncle Dave and aunt Jo, you are here!

Aww, honey, look at you. How are you?

Oh, wow.

I'm good. How are you? Hi.

You want to cry on my shoulder, let it out.

It's chambray. It soaks up everything.

Oh, you don't... it's super-absorbent.

Okay. Thank you. Let it out!

Thank you. I'm good, I'm good.

Yeah. Hey.

What? What?

Hey.

[Gasps]

What is this thing? Uh-oh.

What's this?

[Gasps]

The new boyfriend? Hi. I'm Andrew.

Come here, Andy!

Oh!

Come here, Andy!

Let me...

Oh, my God!

Look at this little guy.

Mwah! Mwah!

Look at you two together.

Wow.

Oh, God!

Anyway...

I got to do a guided grief meditation that I want both of you to come and join in on.

Oh, no.

I want you to join. Yes.

No, we're good. No. No.

Yeah. No. I-I was just leaving, so...

No, no, no. You're not going anywhere.

No!

You're part of the family now.

Family.

[Aunt Jo laughs]

What?

[Chuckles] Y-you believe this?

Lydia: Mr. Roberts!

My office! Now!

[Sage sighs]

Sage: I work really hard here, seven days a week, for wallflower.

Lydia: Would you be willing to take a lie-detector test?

I would, but I don't want to commit to that right now.

[Humming] Yes, my sweets.

Yes, do your worst, do your worst.

Lora: What are you doing?

Fine.

Since you tried to warn me about the honey traps, I'll return the favor.

I'm hiding like 10 pounds of uncooked shrimp around the office.

That's the idea you came up with to save your job?

Oh, that's not gonna happen, but I ain't leaving this place unless it smells like a dead mermaid.

[Cellphone dings]

Yeah. No doi. I'm busy too, buddy.

[Cellphone dings]

Narrator: In that moment, stu flashed back six months to the last time he had a truly great idea.

Hey, Andrew, some of these YouTube stars have like millions of subscribers.

I bet if we convince one of these guys to put up a profile on wallflower, our site traffic will go through the roof.

What was that?

I was just saying that... Hold on a second.

Narrator: And just like that...

Aww.

The idea was gone...

[Laughing] The monkey's being funny.

Until now.

[Laughing] Yeah.

And this time, Stu was smart enough to write it down.

Well, we appreciate the heads-up.

Yeah, whatever. I got to go.

Stephie: A million YouTube subscribers?

Wow! That's amazing, Tyler.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Thank you so much for coming.

Good to see you.

Thank you. Nice to see you, too.

Just need to steal her for two seconds.

Yes, go ahead.

Oh, okay.

Uh, walk with me.

Two seconds.

Um... Have you seen Andrew?

No, but I have just seen my future, and it involves some beautiful children with perfectly coiffed hair.

He's just gorgeous.

Okay, so you haven't seen Andrew?

Oh, um... No, I haven't.

But he's probably somewhere in there with your Uncle Dave.

[All chanting]

Uncle Dave.

Pardon me.

[Chanting continues]

Uncle Dave.

Uncle Dave, have you seen Andrew?

Andrew?

[Whistles]

[Chanting continues]

[Guitar, accordion playing]

The soup is gluten-free and conflict-free.

Oh, and the wheat berries are not locally sourced-out, so everyone should...

Andrew.

You don't have to try so hard with my family.

I don't have to try to try. I'm not trying.

All these people talking about their feelings... it's... it's kind of my "jam."

[Chuckles]

Love you, Andrew.

Love you, too, cousin beezy.

See? These people are great.

Maybe I could help you connect with them a little bit more.

Zebra!

Hello. Yes. Hi.

Yeah. Oh!

I just wanted to thank your boyfriend here for encouraging me to grieve in a way that felt most natural, [chuckles] Which, for me, is eating shrooms.

No.

Yeah.

What... you... you have to do the eulogy.

No, I can't.

You're gonna have to do it for me, because I can currently smell colors. Ooh.

Ew!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Because I haven't prepared anything, and eulogies aren't really...

My... Jam.

Come on! You'll be great!

Here. I already did a lot of the heavy lifting for you.

That's a jumping-off point.

You'll be fine.

This is your chance to connect with everybody.

I didn't give your Uncle dr*gs.

Hey, hey. Where can I find Internet-sensation Tyler Ward?

Eh, I don't know.

It's at times like this that I think it's important to be surrounded by friends and family and friends who could become family.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Internet-sensation Tyler Ward.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'm running an emotional-focus ceremony over in the rec room in order to connect to Debbie's spirit.

That sounds interesting. What do you think?

Nope. Yawn. Bored already.

Oh, she's never been.

Give us a minute, though.

Just... just two minutes. Just a sidebar.

Don't go anywhere.

One minute. One minute, not even two.

You stay right there.

[Laughs]

Be right back.

What the hell are you doing here?!

Show some respect.

A woman of some relation to Zelda is dead.

What are you up to, huh?

You're here to get laid, aren't you?

No, I'm here to ask Tyler to join me on a business venture.

What's your angle?

I don't have an angle.

I am simply trying to connect with a fellow griever, who I just happen to share a very deep spark with.

Oh, so you're here to get laid?

I'm gonna go and tell Tyler exactly what you're up to, and then he will see you for the monster that you really are.

You do that, and I'll tell him that you once slept with this monster.

[Singsong voice] And you liked it.

Ooh, you're so creepy.

Where'd he go?

Tyler?

Tyler?

Um... Debbie...

Uh... Debbie was a...

Oh, no, no, no. I can't believe I have to do this.

No, it's... it's gonna be great. Yeah, okay.

No, actually, you know what?

It's not gonna be great, because everybody in there is expecting this very grand, very sweeping, very emotional speech, which, by the way, Debbie deserves.

Okay, let's just focus on what she meant to you.

Okay, tell me about her.

What's your best memory of her?

[Pen tapping]

[Tapping stops]

Oh, one time, she flipped off a cab driver who cut her off.

I'd never seen that before.

I liked it.

No! I can do better.

Um...

[Horn blows]

All right, man! Good job, good job!

[Laughs]

Wow!

All right. I can do this.

Yeah, I got this.

All right.

No, I can't do this. Nope. I'm bailing.

No.

Okay, all right. You know what?

Forget everything I said before.

Just be yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah, all right.

I got this. You got this.

Yeah.

Go get 'em.

I know. We got this.

Debbie...

Wasn't actually my aunt.

Debbie was more like a...

Mother to me.

And today, I will prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that she was both kind and generous.

[Groans] She's going into lawyer mode.

Now, "Debbie" is short for "Deborah".

We can see that not only did she wear glasses, she had blonde hair.

That is not what I wrote.

In conclusion, Debbie...

Will be sorely missed.

Sorely...

Sorely...

Missed.

Hey.

Hey, that was really... please just get me out of here.

Nope, nope, nope.

Nope, nope, nope, nope.

Grief's a real tricky one.

You know, it comes in waves... waves of emotion.

Let it out.

You can let it out.

And I've been there. I know it hurts.

But I want you to know that... it's okay for you to cry in front of a man.

It doesn't make you weak.

Okay, what is wrong with you two?!

Well, Tyler... it's a honey trap.

What?

And I was trying to get you to join my company's dating site in order to save my job.

[Groans]

And I once had sex with this woman.

We did it for 15 minutes.

Okay, you two... you deserve each other.

[Shudders]

Zelda: That was so... Bad.

I was doing that thing where I was floating outside of my body and I could just see myself.

Andrew: That's funny.

Your Uncle Dave said the same thing to me.

[Chuckles]

Hey.

It's gonna be okay.

You know, I know I told you that I didn't want you to come today because of my family, but that's not why.

I was afraid that you would see me break down and I would be a blubbering wreck and... I would embarrass myself in front of you.

But you didn't.

I know I didn't.

I didn't get emotional at all...

Which is so much more embarrassing.

God, if there was any time for me to get emotional and let go, it was today.

[Sighs]

What is wrong with me?

Nothing.

Nothing's wrong with you.

[Clears throat] Thank you.

You know, when my mom d*ed, it didn't really hit me for a couple of years.

[Chuckles softly]

It could hit you in a couple weeks...

A couple months.

[Crying] Oh, my God! She's gone!

Or... or... or right now.

It could hit you right now.

[Crying]

Could we... ?

[Crying loudly]

Take my napkin.

[Blowing nose loudly]

[Crying continues]

[Crying] Oh, my God!

It's fine. This is great.

I miss her so much! This is really good.

This is good. Let it out.

I am letting it out!

There you go.

It's our ninth date.

I feel insane.

You're not insane. This is good.

Okay. Okay. Yeah, it's good.

This is good. Feel good about this.

Yeah, I feel great about it.

Maybe we should get the check or... ?

I don't want the check.

Okay, we'll stay right here.

I don't want to get up.

I want to sit here...

We'll stay here.

Because now I'm having an emotional breakthrough.

No, this is... this is really, really big.

This is... this is big. This is big, guys.

Don't tell everyone! They know!

Sorry. I'm sorry!

I'm being really loud!

I lost someone!

They don't even see.

I miss her so much!

It's good.

I'm sorry, but this little guy was just wandering around the office.

Focus on your work next time.

You're lucky your father's a senator.

Come with me, Banjo.

Well done, ma'am.

[Sighs]

Thank you.

I know it's verboten, but let's say we play a little hooky, go get a drink.

You think that's a good idea?

Well, not for the sheep out there, no, but for us, upper management...

[Chuckles] Different story.

I don't know.

What about your report to Mr. Frankel?

Oh, it'll be exemplary.

And I'm, uh, willing to leave a few things out.

All right, let's grab that drink.

Honey trap.

[Gasps]

[Laughing] Relax, relax.

[Laughs]

I could never rat out a colleague.

[Both laugh]

Let's go get that drink.

Sounds great.

Now I'm gonna have to write you up twice.

[Gasps] The double honey trap.

I should have known. No, but I didn't know.

Your middle name is Louise, right?

Zelda: I have never cried that much in my life.

Andrew: Man. I'm really great at it.

[Chuckles]

Orange gatorade helps me replenish the electrolytes.

No, don't joke. I'm still really vulnerable.

Oh, I hate that you just saw me like that.

But I love that you're still here.

I'm not going anywhere.

'Cause, in two weeks, I get my wisdom teeth out, and I need you, because I am not good with pain.

Lydia, Lydia. I swear to God I'll start coming in early.

I-I won't do summer Fridays anymore.

We don't have summer Fridays.

Please don't fire me.

Stop.

I have value, Lydia.

I'm funny around the office.

Stop!

Please don't fire me.

I don't know if you hear me, but I'm doubled over in pain.

Honey traps happen to the best of us.

What are you saying?

You'll live to die another day, Bartokowski.

Thank you! Thank you! Yes! I...

You will not regret th... um, hello?

["There will be a light" plays]

♪ I wish we could live forever ♪
♪ Melt into the sun ♪
♪ Melt into the sun ♪
♪ Time is gonna change you ♪
♪ Once it gets you on the run ♪
♪ Gets you on the run ♪

Go away.

I brought a meat plate.

Leave the meat plate and go away.

All right.

Sit down.

[Groans]

Mm. Did you do this?

♪ there will be ♪

Oh, yeah. That's my thing.

♪ there will be ♪
♪ There will be a light ♪

It's pretty good, right?

It's pretty good.

♪ There will be a light ♪
♪ There will be ♪
♪ There will be ♪
♪ There will be a light ♪

[Piano plays]

♪ There will be a light ♪
♪ Let the warmth of my love ♪
♪ Dry away all your tears ♪
♪ Fear not, for I am with you ♪
♪ And I will fear not ♪
♪ Fear not ♪