10x01 - Monty and Joyce's Wedding

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

I do.

LESLEY: Have you got something borrowed?

I do.

Have you got something blue,
apart from the veins in your legs?

- Lesley, as if I'm not nervous enough.
- [LAUGHS]

I'm only messing with you
Mrs Temple-Savage.

Hey, that's a point!
Will you be taking Monty's name?

- No.
- What is Monty's surname?

Can you just sort my dress out, lesley?

This wedding is making me
a nervous wreck,

I don't know where we're going,
I don't know what we're doing.

- That's because it's a surprise.
- Yes, I know.

Oh, I love a surprise, me.

Makes things more exciting!

It depends what they are.

I've been subjected to Monty's
surprises before!

Hurry UP!

Monty, is Spanish bank.

You are lucky if your car tax
is still valid when I have finished.

Look, will you shut up
about the car tax?

€210.

This is all I have
until the end of the month.

Yeah, so you keep saying.

Let's get to the marina
before I lose my deposit!

[TYRES SQUEALING]

Madre Mia!

[BILLY HUMMING]

Oh, um... [CLEARS THROAT]
Thank you, um...

Thanks.

Sorry, um...

No money. It's all-inclusive, um...

No, uh... No pockets
in boxer, uh, shorts.

- What's he waiting for?
- I don't know. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, no change. Sorry.

Very nice.

Hey, you cheeky beggar! That's my wife!

[LAUGHING]

Well, at least he said "very nice".

This is our third breakfast in bed
since we got here.

Has he been having
a geg at you every morning?

Not that I've noticed.

Yeah well, no more.

Uh, this is our 25th
wedding anniversary holiday.

You said I could have anything I wanted.

Ooh! [LAUGHING]

It's not the money, it's peeping Pedro.
Nobody needs that.

Plus, I don't like to think of me dad
eating on his own.

[SIGHS] If I want continental breakfast
in bed every day, I'll have it.

[SIGHS] That's another thing,
croissants and Danish pastries.

I like a sausage in the morning.

Hmm, yeah, so do I.

Oh, hang on. Be careful.

let me just put this tray down first...
Hang on!

We're gonna get crumbs everywhere!

[BOTH EXCLAIMING]

Rutger? Rutger?

Rutger? Where are you?

Rutger?

- Relax, my friend.
- Oh!

Oh, good God.

- You frightened me.
- So much shouting and panic.

- Here, I got the rest of the money.
- Money?

The balance, the money, for the boat.

Oh, I'm sorry Harry.

The money had to be paid
in full yesterday.

You have lost your deposit.

What? "Harry"?

Who the bleedin' hell is Harry?
My name's Monty.

Oi! Where are you going?

And what's this about a deposit?

I paid you €700 at the beginning
of the week and this is the rest.

You show me your receipt and maybe
we get to the bottom of this.

You know I don't have a receipt.

You gave me €500 off for cash.

So, you are €500 better off
than you thought.

No! You...

- You just listen to me.
- There is a problem?

What are you doing here?
I told you to keep an eye on the ca...

Oh, my good God. The police are here!

- If I get a ticket...
- Relax!

Is Raul and Rico,
I went to school with them.

Oh, okay.

Well, maybe they could help settle this
little argument

about €700.

No problem.

Raul? Rico?

[NERVOUSLY] Okay, okay!

We sail directly on the clock of two.

One minute late, forget it.

Are you sure you have my and Monty's
mobile in case of emergency?

If you think I'm gonna ring you
on your wedding day

or your honeymoon, you must be crazy.

Plus, what could go wrong in three days?

[APPLAUSE]

Oh, my God.

You never said anything about it
being a double wedding. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, Mrs Temple-Savage,
you look champion!

Lesley, what on earth are you doing?

- What do you mean?
- Why are you wearing white?

It's supposed to be me getting married.

Oh, I thought it was
kind of an off-white,

bordering on ivory, don't you think?

It's snow white!

I need to dig out that receipt
for my laser eye surgery.

Oh, bloody hell!

Which one of yous is supposed
to be getting married?

Don't you start as well.

You're to catch the bouquet,

not wrestle it off the bride
before she gets married.

Oh, I forgot, those are yours.

Thank you.

Oh, don't you look smashing!

Are you going anywhere nice
on your honeymoon?

The whole thing's a surprise.

All she's got is her passport
and a clean pair of knickers.

-[LAUGHS]
- Oh, that's the whole idea with me now.

Although, I've got a lot further
without my knickers

-than I have without my passport.
-[LES LAUGHS]

Okay, the car's arriving in ten minutes.
Where's my suitcase?

Don't panic. It's gone on ahead.

Right, ten minutes!
I've just got time for a witch's kiss.

This dress has got more undercarriage
than a 747.

[KENNETH LAUGHING]

JOYCE: Do either of you know
what's happening today?

No idea. Time for a swift one, though,
before the car gets here.

You don't mind
if I ride with you and Mateo,

do you, Joyce?
We're only going as far as the...

Wherever it is we're going.

Okay, you are ready, Miss Temple-Savage?

- Mateo?
- Yes.

Your suit...

Is not right? Is Monty's choice.

It's very right.

You look beautiful.

Hey, is your wedding day,
I should be saying these things to you.

That's true.

Okay, we're ready to go?

Oh, wait for me.

Here we go, Mrs T,
put your head between your legs

and kiss your arse goodbye. [LAUGHS]

Shall we?

You have got mine and Monty's
mobile, haven't you?

Go! Have a lovely day!

Thank you.

Have you got everything?

Course I have, it's in the van.
Do you want it all in now?

No, not in the front.
Bring it round back.

Oh, you smell incredible.

So did you. Did you jog here?

Come on, hurry up.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, you finally surfaced.

We're all on holiday, Dad.
We don't have to stick to a timetable.

You'll get sleeping sickness.

We weren't sleeping.

What you been doing all morning?

Oh, bloody hell.

Your father was always
very fond of holiday sex.

When I eventually found out
who he was having it with,

I strung the bastard up by his knackers.

- When does our Rob get here?
- Tomorrow.

- He's not coming straight here, is he?
- How do you mean?

He'll need to be inoculated
before he gets here.

Inoculated?

He's been in jungle
for past three months.

Do you really think the hotel's
gonna want him swimming in that pool

frothing at the mouth with beriberi?

He's been backpacking in South America,

not skinny-dipping in the Ganges.

I bet you don't even know
where Ganges are.

Of course I bloody do,
or else I wouldn't have said it.

Where are they, then?

Well, does it really matter?

He'll be here tomorrow.

With his new fancy woman.

It's not a...fancy woman.
It's just a friend.

You said it was his girlfriend.

Oh, whoever it is, they won't be here
till tomorrow.

I'll go to the bar
before we all die of thirst.

Champagne?

Bluetooth head phones!

[LAUGHS] An Xbox!

A laptop-

Hope we're gonna have enough
profit for my cut.

Oh, don't worry,
this is all just for show.

But people have to win.

I know they call you Dodgy Dave,

but if you're suggesting
we have a raffle

where no one wins a prize,

I think we're redefining the word dodgy.

- You are so sexy when you get angry.
- Dave...

We do it all the time.

Darren wins the Xbox,
Denise wins the champagne,

Dean wins the headphones
and Dan wins the laptop.

It runs like clockwork.

- And who are all these people?
- My kids.

This sort of thing,
you gotta keep it in the family.

So, what happens when the people

on holiday realise
none of them have won?

That's where the knock-off
perfume comes in.

Between every big prize, a regular
punter wins a bottle of smelly.

I bet it is smelly and all.

Well, it's not the real thing,
of course.

[CHUCKLES] Of course.

But they like to keep hold of it
and give it to someone at home.

One less present
to buy at duty-free, isn't it?

But if none of the guests in the hotel

win a big prize, isn't that a bit fishy?

Brains as well as beauty.

- You are driving me mental.
- Dave...

That's where the star prize comes in.

Whoever wins this, we tell them that
it'll cost a fortune to ship it home.

So, we offer them a few bottles
of perfume instead.

Just don't sell any tickets to anyone
that lives here.

Strictly holiday-makers only.

looks like you've got it all sorted.

Well, we do need someone
to sell the raffle tickets.

Someone with charm,
sophistication, beauty.

- A cracking pair of...
- Dave, for God's sake,

you're old enough to be me dad.

Lungs! I was gonna say
cracking pair of lungs.

You need the gift of the gab
to sell a load of raffle tickets.

All right. Well, I'd better
get on with it, then.

This stuff will all be safe in here
until tonight.

We keep it locked.

I should hope so.
There's a lot of dodgy people about.

Hmm.

You didn't have to get up. I can manage.

- What if it's a bloke?
- It's not a bloke!

Why has our Rob never said
"she" or "her" in his texts?

Well, he hasn't said "he" or "him",
either.

I mean, it makes no difference to me.

It's just, me dad and loretta,
they're from a different generation.

Oh, I see. So, it's me mum and Eddie
you're worried about.

Yeah.

Well, my mother is the biggest
f*g hag going.

She'd love it if our Rob's fallen for

a six-foot, bronze South American hunk
called Cyd.

It's that name, Cyd.

[SCOFFS] We'd been over this.

It's C-Y-D as in Cyd Charisse.

I know! But, what if in South America
Cyd is...

well... Cyd.

[LAUGHS] Well, I'm excited.

I've never been to a gay wedding.

Oh, Sheron, Sheron.

MAN: Congratulations.
MONTY: Oh, thank you. Very kind.

I'll give it to the wife later.

- And the cigar.
-[BOTH LAUGHING]

- Where the bleedin' hell are they?
- Harry?

You know, it is ten minutes
before the clock at two, yeah?

Now, listen to me Rutger,
I got one thing to say to you,

my name is not ..

All right, come on!

Get on board. All aboard, everybody.

Come on, get a shift on.

Yeah, come on. let's be having...

What the bloody hell do you want?

Oh, dear.

Yeah, my sentiments exactly.

Do you mind? This is a private party.

I've been sent by the church.

Oh, it's a donation you want.

[LAUGHS] Bleedin' marvelous, isn't it?

Sir Henry Barrington Codswallop,
a messenger from God? [LAUGHS]

Well, you can tell the priest...

Priest? Where's the bleedin' priest?

How am I supposed to get married
without a priest?

I was called by the church this morning.

The priest has lost his voice.

I was asked to officiate a marriage
on Peacock Island.

Believe me, had I known it was you...

No... Never.

There's gotta be somebody else.

You are not marrying me and Joyce.

Five minutes until the clock of two.

Oh, for crying out loud.
Get on the boat, come on.

And stay away from me
until we get to the island.

Hang on, two ticks. Right.

[LESLEY GRUNTS AND LAUGHS]

Bloody hell, you've pushed the boat
out here, Monty.

You get it? Pushed the boat out.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, look at that. Fabulous.

Do you know what, I was gonna
wear my sailor outfit

but I thought,
"I don't want to spoil any surprises."

- Ah. ..
- [GUESTS APPLAUDING]

Miss Temple-Savage.

Will someone please tell me
what's going on?

I hope we're not
getting married on a boat.

No, my darling, we're getting
married on Peacock Island.

Peacock Island? Is that a joke?

Okay, I will go.

You don't like Peacock Island, my angel?

Have you ever been to Peacock Island?

Well, not exactly.

But the catering staff were there
this morning

and they haven't complained.

And where's the honeymoon?

Now, that is a surprise.

No, Monty, no more surprises.

Of all the time you've known me,
have you ever seen me on a boat?

Well, exactly! It's something new.

The reason you haven't seen me on a boat

is I suffer from chronic sea sickness.

One minute until the clock of two.

- Come on, we're getting on board.
- No!

- No, I don't...
- Come on, get up the steps.

Get up the steps. There we go.

- Go on. Yes!
-[JOYCE SCREAMING]

So, that's Friday at ten o'clock.

Okay, goodbye.

Oh, I'm sorry.

We're not taking walk-ins today.

Unless it's a quick wash and blow
you're after.

I was wondering if...
Well, if Kenneth was around?

No, love. He's at a wedding.

I can't go on like this.

Oh, it's not that bad.

It only needs a bit of a trim.

- I desperately need help.
- Do you fancy a number two allover?

Even I can do that, nice and fresh
for the summer.

I've nowhere else to turn.

Have you tried Hepburn's
in the indoor market?

Oh, God. [SOBBING]

Oh...

Come on. Come and sit down.

- Come on.
- Thank you. So kind of you.

- Thank you.
- Just sit.

[MUFFLED] Oh, God.

[BLIND CLOSING]

[RADIO PLAYING QUIETLY]

- I'll put the kettle on.
-[SNIFFlING]

I won't be a minute.

Nice, hot tea.

Thank you.

[RETCHING]

[COUGHING]

You all right, love?

Mind her dress.

[RETCHING]

- Fig roll anybody?
- I don't know how you can eat.

Me guts are doing somersaults.

Oh, I'm no good
on an empty stomach, Lesley.

Luckily, I've not had one of them
since the mid 80's.

If I can have your attention,
ladies and gentlemen...

[EXCLAIMS]

I'd, uh, like to apologise today

for this slightly rough crossing.

[RETCHING]

This is due to a slight
northeasterly breeze.

[RETCHING]

For God's sake, will you stop
puking down the sides of the boat?

It's not as though, we can run it
through a car wash on the way back.

He's going too fast.

- You what?
- He's going too fast.

There are speed limits in place,
my darling,

even here on the Med.
He can't be going faster than those.

- [ENGINE REVVING]
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING]

I'm going to be sick.
I'm going to be sick!

No, not on the suit! It's got to
get back to the shop by 6!

[RETCHING]

Oh, my God.

LESLEY: Land, ahoy!

Women and children first!

Then men who look like women. [LAUGHING]

[SEAGULLS SQUAWKING]

JOYCE: There's no chance, Monty.
Absolutely no way.

But Sir Henry is the only person on
the island who can marry us.

And that's another thing, what on
earth possessed you to bring us here?

Well, it was supposed to be a surprise.

It is! A bloody awful one.

Oh, don't be like that, Joyce.

I hate boats.

I can't stand the thought
of being stranded on an island.

I don't know half the people here.

I'm being married by the only man

apart from you that has kissed me
in the last ten years.

Where did Sir Henry kiss you?

Up the Consulate.

- No, I mean, where...
- What does it matter?

On the cheek!

Oh, Monty, I just...

[SIGHS] I just wanted today
to be perfect.

Joyce, today may not be perfect but...

I know something that is.

You.

Oh, Monty.

[BIRDS SQUAWKING]

-[SPLATTERS]
-[JOYCE SCREAMING]

Oh, Miss Temple Savage, are you okay?

Oh, bloody hell, Mrs T.

That's one hell of a shite!

Bugger knows what these seagulls
have been eating.

- Come on, let's get you sorted.
-[JOYCE GROANING]

Can you hurry up in there, please?
This is an emergency.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

I'd give that a minute
if I were you, love.

# Only when you leave
I need to love you #?

[CONTINUES SINGING]

Come on, let's get this frock sorted.

All I ask

is that you pass on my business proposal
to Kenneth

and ask if he'll consider it.

Of course, I realise,
after what happened between us,

he may not even entertain the idea,
but I...

I really have nowhere else to turn.

Well, the thing is
it's not up to Kenneth.

- It's not?
- No!

I'm the major shareholder in
Blow 'n' Go Industries Limited.

- You are?
- Mmm-hmm.

Hmm, fascinating.

Mmm...

Very good beef tea, by the way.

Oh, yes, I've always been interested
in business.

- Mmm.
- My late husband Donald

had his finger in a lot of pies.

And a few other things as well.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

So, what do you think
of the idea of a dental surgery

here in Blow 'n' Go?

Well, obviously I'd have to
think about it.

Shall we schedule a breakfast meeting
about it sometime next week?

Or I could bring my gear in
from the van that's waiting outside.

Well, I wouldn't want to...

A van that I'm paying for by the hour.

Well, it wouldn't be that simple.

There's quite a lot of rubbish
in that back room to clear out.

Oh, you'll do that in no time,

big strong girl like you.

No. I'm sorry, Mr Kane, but I can't...

I have a year to live.

Oh, I beg your pardon?

Obviously, I'd hate that
to sway your decision.

But I need to get my life back on track

before it's too late.

Will you help me...

Jacqueline?

Oh. Well, I suppose
you could store your stuff?

In the back room to begin with.

You're an angel sent from heaven.

Right, I've got a few calls to make,

but I'll get the chaps to unload the van

and you can make a start
on the back room.

Your late husband was a very lucky man.

That really was an exceptional beef tea.

[SNAPS FINGERS] Spit-spot!

Oh, bloody hell!

[SIGHS]

Have you got your raffle tickets yet?

Oh, what raffle is that, love?

Is it the luggage raffle?

Take your ticket and hope
you get your suitcases back?

I'm sorry?

You lost his cases last year,
but he doesn't like to talk about it.

No, it's the best raffle in Benidorm.

Win an Xbox, branded perfumes,
gold watch,

and the mystery star prize worth €1,500.

How much are the tickets?

€1 a ticket, €5 a strip.

There you are, love, €5.

Muchas gracias.

Go on, I'll have a fiver's
worth as well.

Two strips for me, love.

One for me, please.

-€5?
- No, I mean, one ticket.

What's the point in buying one ticket?

'Cause only one ticket's gonna win
the €1 ,500 mystery prize.

Just give him five.

I don't want five tickets.

Tightest man alive!

It's a false economy.

With five tickets, you get 500% more
chance of winning the big prize.

Plus, I don't have any change.

Oh, for God's sake.

- Give us a five.
- Thanks.

The draw's tonight in Neptune's,


I've been pressured into this.

I'm not happy.

You're determined to enjoy yourself
on this holiday, aren't you?

[LORETTA LAUGHS]

[WEDDING MARCH INTRO PLAYING]

[MUSIC CUTS OUT]
["SMACK MY BITCH UP" STARTS PLAYING]

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Hang on. Hang on!

Hang on. Hang on!

Sorry.

[WEDDING MARCH PLAYING]

You look amazing.

Thank you.

Not you. Sit down, you great tit.

"This place, at which we are now met
has been duly sectioned..."

Sorry, sactioned.

I knew I should have brought my glasses.

"...according to law,
for the celebration of marriages.

"We are gathered here today
to witness the joining in matrimony

-"of Joyce Skinhead Temple Savage..."
- Um...

[SNORTS]

- Sinead.
- Sorry?

My middle name is Sinead,
you just said Skinhead.

Did I? Oh.

- Terribly sorry.
- I've got an old pair of readers.

- Do you want to have a borrow of them?
- Oh, yes. Thank you.

[LAUGHING QUIETLY]

“'Of Joyce Sinead Temple-Savage"

"and Montgomery John Thomas Staines..."

[ALL LAUGHING]

Now, Monty and Joyce have exchanged
their vows and pledged their commitment,

each to the other.

And have declared the same by
joining hands and by exchanging rings.

It now only remains to ask if there is
any person or persons present?

Who objects to this marriage.

let them speak now,
or forever hold their peace.

Anyone?

Anyone at all? Speak now,

because forever is quite a long time
to hold your peace. [CHUCKLES]

Just get on with it.

[SIGHS]

By the power vested in me by God and man

and the mayor of Benidorm, of course...

[SIGHS]

I pronounce you husband and wife.

-[JOYCE SIGHS IN RELIEF]
- You may now kiss the bride.

- LES: Yay!
- [All CHEERING]

Joyce, I'm sorry this hasn't been
a perfect wedding,

but I think I used up all my luck
and good fortune when I met you.

You don't think I'm going to keep
falling for your smooth lines,

-do you, Monty?
- You don't have to.

[CHUCKLES] I've got you now.

You're my wife.

My beautiful wife.

# So true

# Funny how it seems
Always in time

# But never in line for dreams

# Head over heels when toe to toe

# This is the sound of my soul!

# This is the sound

# Bought a ticket to the world

# But now I've come back again

# Why do I find it hard to
write the next line?

# I want the truth to be said

# Ah-ah-ah ah-ah

# Ooh, I know this much is true

# Ah-ah-ah ah-ah

# Ooh, I know this much is true #

Excuse me, are there
any more boat trips today?

No!

No more boat trips
until tomorrow morning

at 30 minutes past the clock of ten.

Happy wedding day, Harry.

I must say, it was Kenny's
Uncle Herbert who turned me on

to what they now call Cowell White.

Oh, well, I suppose I could get
used to them.

Right. First client in 20 minutes.

You'd better put some kind
of a sign outside, I suppose.

Now that we're official.

[HUMMING]

You say to Mr Wu

you just want to fill up
on chips and rice.

I said no such thing.

Check yourself
before you wreck yourself.

You're calling Mr Wu
liar, liar, pants on fire?

I just remembered what we said.

You asked me which banquet I wanted.

I said I want the full Monty,
chips and rice.

Monty gonna be more than full on


Chips and rice!
Chips and rice!

That means I wanted everything.

Mr Wu give you
everything you asked for.

You got chips and rice!

You don't understand,
it's a saying.

No, you don't understand.

Mr Wu got to go now.
My son picking me up on his jet ski.

But you pay your bill by tomorrow,

or you will have had your chips.

That's another saying.

You get it?
Had your chips?

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

JOYCE: What did he say?

There's been a slight misunderstanding.

Rice and chips.

I like to think of it more as
chips and rice.

We can say it's a metaphor.

Our guests weren't expecting a metaphor,

they were expecting
a three-course lunch.

Oh, look at that, bloody typical.

On the day I was supposed to
start me no-carb diet.

Oh, well. Tomorrow's another day.

Mmm, lovely chips, though.

You're not eating, love?

I'm going under my speech.

No, you mean over it.

Is what I am saying.

Let's have a look.

Oh, my God.

- You're actually gonna say all this?
- Yes.

I get from the interweb.

Is not horrible?

Is tradition for the best man
to be rude about the bride, no?

Yes! Oh, no... Yes, look.
Oh, it's brilliant, Mateo.

I can't wait to hear this.

[GLASS CLINKING]

Can we have the best of order, please,

for the honorary best man for the bride,

Mr Mateo Castelanos.

[APPLAUSE]

[MATEO CLEARS THROAT]

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

It's my pleasure to be giving you
the traditional best man speech.

[MATEO CLEARING THROAT]

-Joyce Temple Savage...
-[JOYCE CHUCKLES SHYLY]

What a slag!

[CROWD GASPING]

Joyce has had so many men in her life,

for her 40th birthday,

her vag*na was fitted with a turnstile.

I am not saying she is easy,

but she has been cocked more times
than John Wayne's g*n.

[KENNETH LAUGHING]

John Wayne is a famous cowboy,

who has a g*n.

At college, she had so many balls
in her mouth,

she was known as the Hungry Hippo.

This is not because she's fat,

is a game for children.

[KENNETH LAUGHING]

I hope Monty and Joyce enjoy
their honeymoon in Wales.

I think this is where they are going,
because Monty said,

after the wedding he's going to Bangor
for a few days first.

Bangor is a town in Wales,
which is in England.

Uh, Mateo over there
with a lovely speech,

highlighting our bride's
fabulous sense of humour.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

And now, could we have your
appreciation for the groom.

[APPLAUSE]

Well, believe it or not,
this has been

the happiest day of my life.

I can appreciate
that it is probably not yours.

Let's face it, the whole thing's
been a complete disaster.

None taken.

Oh, not you Tony.

But there is one thing

Monty Staines is well-known for,

and that is snatching victory
from the jaws of defeat.

What say we all go back
to the Solana early

and have a good old-fashioned
Benidorm knees-up!

[CROWD CHEERING]

After which, I'll be taking
my beautiful bride

on the 10 o'clock flight to Venice

for our honeymoon.

Venice?

Really?

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the blushing bride.

All: The blushing bride!

[APPLAUSE]

Oh, bloody hell! Joyce,
have you got a phone signal?

It's in my bag.

You're trying to get a phone signal,

good luck with that, love.
I've been offline from Grindr

for three hours.
People will think I'm dead.

- Who are you trying to ring?
- The boat.

I told Rutger to come back at 7:30

but that's another
two hours stranded here.

What do you think we're gonna do here
for another two hours?

I don't know. [GROANS]

Has anybody out there
got any sort of a phone signal?

[ALL MURMURING]

Bloody hell. Tony Hadley!

Come on.

Wait for me!

- Wait, wait!
- Wait, wait!

Wait, come back!

MATEO: The boat, it's turning around.

He's coming back.
He's coming back.

I told you you'd want an encore
in the end.

# Thank you for coming home

# Sorry that the chairs are all worn

-# I left them here, I could have sworn
- We need a lift back to Benidorm!

# These are my salad days

# Slowly being eaten away

-# Just another Play for Today
- Can you get a message to the boat?

# Oh, but I'm proud of you

# Proud of you

- Can you hear me?
-# Nothing left to make me feel small

-# Love has left me standing so tall
- Would you stop singing! We're stranded!

MATEO: Come back!

[ALL MURMURING]

-# Gold
- [ALL SHOUTING]

# Always believe in your soul

# You've got the power to know

- Come back!
-# You're indestructible

-# Always believing
- MONTY: Tony!

I still haven't heard from our Jodie.

Oh, don't be mithering her today.
It's her first day of filming, isn't it?

Well, I thought she'd be
finished by now.

Oh, I keep forgetting
we're an hour ahead.

Still, I suppose it's an improvement
on putting 'em up chimneys.

- I'm sorry?
- Child labour.

I suppose if she had been
born in India,

she'd be sewing footballs,
manacled to a worktop.

So, we should be thankful
for small mercies.

What's he talking about?

Dad, how much have you had to drink?

I've had no alcohol today.

Just a few lagers.

Isn't it strange, our Jodie being
the breadwinner for the family now?

I beg your pardon?
She's not the breadwinner.

She's doing a dog food commercial
in Germany. Same one she did last year.

Exactly. And if I they hadn't renewed
the option at such short notice,

she would have been here
on this holiday with us.

- Exactly.
- She's following her dream.

Exactly. Plus we promised to take her
to the Eden Project when we get back.

Ooh. Oh, I bet she'll look forward
to that. [LAUGHS]

Why have a holiday in Spain
with sun, sea and sangria

when you can watch caterpillars
in pissing rain?

She doesn't drink sangria, she's 10.

That's just it.

You don't know what she's doing
in h*tler's heartland

with her drama teacher,
Miss Lez-be Friends,

-smokin' a cigar in comfortable shoes.
- What?

Still, I suppose
she's safer than our Robert.

Up Limpopo without a paddle.

Right, that's it!

I'm not lying here
listenin' to this rubbish.

Sheron...

Look what you've done now!

See you in Neptune's.

All right.

Will you let me have a read
of that book when you're finished?

What book's that?

How To Win Friends And Influence People.

[MOUTHING]

Just out of interest, where are
the people who run Peacock Island?

It was €500 extra to have staff.

It was cheaper to bring our own.

But there must have been someone here
when we got here today.

Yeah, Mr Wu and Tony Hadley.

Oh, well done for that, by the way.
Top booking, fabulous.

[CHUCKLES] Thanks.

I dabbled in artist management
in the early '80s.

Got very close to signing T'Pau.

I was talking about Mr Wu.
Fabulous chips.

How are we going to find out
what's happened to the boat?

I don't think anything's
happened to the boat,

I just think he's not coming back.

Why would he not come back to get us?

Ah. Because you threatened him
with the police.

You did what?

Hang on a minute,
the police were your friends.

Why did you thr*aten
the owner of the boat

with the police?
Of course he's not coming back!

You don't understand,
he was an absolute bastard

who tried to screw me for €700.

And yet you still hired a boat from him.

Oh, shut up, you don't understand!

I beg your pardon?

I'm sorry, my darling,
I didn't mean to shout at you.

Excuse me, I'm sorry to intrude

but I think you need a strong swimmer.

- A swimmer?
- To swim to Benidorm.

It's approximately three kilometres.

You just need a strong swimmer.

Someone brave enough to take on
dear old mother Med

and to sacrifice their own safety
for the benefit of others.

And you're volunteering?

Christ on a bike, no,
I'm not that stupid.

Anyway, I am absolutely
terrified of water.

Spent the whole trip here
in the toilet with my eyes closed.

Then just go away!

[SIGHS]

He's right, mind.

That's exactly what we need.

Yeah, but, who will do such a thing?

Kenneth!

MATEO: Kenneth, what are you doing?

Oh, don't be ridiculous man.

MATEO: Oh, no, no, no, no!
Kenneth, come back here.

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

# Don't laugh at me 'cause I'm a fool!

# I am who I am, oh, yeah!

# I know it's true

# Yes, I'm a fool...

So, what time does
our Rob arrive tomorrow?

Early afternoon, I think.

Their connection's in London

and I've asked him to text
in the morning.

What's his girlfriend's name again?

Summat weird, isn't it?
Eric or something?

Cyd, as in Cyd Charisse.

And he hasn't said Cyd's his...

girlfriend. They could just be friends,
for all we know.

We shouldn't jump to conclusions.

Well, if they're just friends, what the
bloody hell is he bringing her here for?

Because people of the opposite sex
can be just friends, you know.

Haven't you ever had a male friend
that you've never had sex with?

Oh, don't bother answering that.

[EDDIE CHUCKLES]

- Where's the rest of your tickets?
- I sold 'em.

- Who to?
- Does it matter?

I were coerced into buying
all them tickets.

Lucky 100. That's all I need.

And you watch, he'll end up winning,
the jammy git.

# 'Cause I'm a fool!

# I am who I am, oh!

So, you pick me at random
to do the draw,

and I'll do everything
to make sure the right tickets come out.

Dave, are you all right?
You look like you're about to explode.

I took the family on the beach today
and we all fell asleep.

It'll calm down in a few days,
don't you worry about me.

I'm not worried about you, you just
look like a dog's d*ck with eyes.

Oh, listen, Sam,

we might have to calm down the old
flirting tonight, the wife's in.

Dave, we don't flirt. It's just you who
persistently dribbles on my knockers.

Oh, God, I love it when you talk dirty.

# Yes, I'm a fool!

So, here's to our new
business venture, hmm?

The Solana Dental Studio incorporating
Blow 'n' Go hair salon.

Well, to be fair,
while we're on this trial run,

- I think...
- Cheers.

Yes. Mmm...

Stanley, would you do me a favour?

Of course, Jacqueline.

After all the kindness you've shown me.

Well, when Kenneth gets back,

- do you mind if I'm the one...
- Sorry to interrupt,

but I don't suppose you can
lend me €50, could you?

€50? I don't know, really.

What's it for?

Well, um, I've got
a few niggling errands to run

in the morning and €50 should cover it.

Unless you've got some more.

- I've got €70 but...
- That's perfect.

Jacqueline, you are a brick.

I honestly don't know what
I would have done with you today.

Oh, it appears my luck is
finally starting to change.

Cheers.

- Cheers.
-# Don't laugh at me

# 'Cause I'm a fool #

Thank you! Thank you.

Kenneth, are you absolutely
sure about this?

Oh, don't be fooled by this generous
yet well-proportioned physique, Joyce.

When do you ever see a skinny mini
swimming in the Channel? Never.

'Cause they need a layer of fat
to get them to France.

- Where are you swimming to, Norway?
- [LES LAUGHS]

Kenneth, you're sure you can do this?

Oh, don't worry about me, Mateo.

I was top of my swimming club.

- When was this?
-1978, love.

[JOYCE GASPING]

He'll never make it.

Not a hope in hell.

Go on, Kenneth, lad!

Another lucky winner there
of the big money prize.

All right, son, piss off,
don't milk it.

This is for the gold watch,
ladies and gentlemen.

Okay-d okay .

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

And the winner is...

Blue 489.

Blue 489.

Woo! We have a winner!

Thanks dad.

Dave, you absolute d*ck.

All your lot are
sticking out like sore thumbs.

The punters are smelling a rat.

Well, they've got no proof,
just get on with it.

And this is for the star prize,

an upright mobility scooter
worth over €1,500!

[CROWD CHEERING]

And the number is Yellow 101.

Oh, yes, it's me! I won!

Oh, it's wonderful, I love it.

-She's a bit of a brute.
-Very heavy.

It could cost you as good couple of
hundred euros to get that home.

Or, we could offer you ten bottles of
top-quality perfumes instead.

No need, I am home.

I have a new dental surgery
in the Solana.

I told you not to sell any tickets
to staff.

I didn't.

[CROWD JEERING]

Cheers Eddie.

Cheers.

Fantastic!

Hey, this perfume stinks
of cat piss.

[GASPS] Ooh,
it's a text from our Robert.

Is he all right?

Of course he's all right.

“Just boarding in Bogata.
See you tomorrow".

“My beautiful Cyd says...“

Says what?

EDDIE: What does she say?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]