10x07 - Pauline's Novel

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, for goodness sake!

Will one of you say something?

And it better not be "gottle o' geer"!

Our guests come to Neptune's
for family entertainment

and what did you give them?

Norman Bates in a sparkly jacket

performing live vivisection on a puppet!

- [CHUCKLES]
- [PHONE RINGS]

There were children in that audience.

You've probably scarred them for life.
But far worse than that...

[JOYCE CONTINUES SHOUTING]

Solana Benidorm, yes, please?

[GASPS]

Oh...

[GEORDIE ACCENT] No. This is not Mateo.

This is err... Lesley.. like.

[LAUGHS DEEPLY]

No, Miss Temple-Savage is not here.

She has gone out, like...

[LAUGHS DEEPLY]

Why aye for now, then.

[SIGHS]

You do know that "why aye"
isn't Geordie for "goodbye"?

[NORMAL ACCENT]
No, and I hope she does not, either.

That was Crystal Hennessy-Vass.

Oh!

You know, you never did tell me
what happened last year,

when she took you on that cruise.

Terrible things, Lesley.
Terrible things.

I am still having the flashbacks.

Everywhere I look, there are things
that remind me of that time.

JOYCE: Get out, the pair of you!

You blithering idiots!

And take this bloody thing with you!

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hello!

Pauline...

Wakey-wakey!

- Oh! Oh!
- [SCREAMS]

Oh, it's you, Muse.
What are you doing here?

I brought you a nice cup of coffee.

Ugh! Vile sludge.

I always prepare my own
wake-up juice the night before.

There it is, look.

Pass it down here, would you, Muse?

Oh, it's empty.

You must have drank it.

It doesn't matter how drunk I am, I never
touch my wake-up juice before morning.

Two parts gin, two parts vodka,

with just the teensiest dash of O.J.

You must have drunk it.

I did not!

[TOILET FLUSHES]

- Auntie Doreen?
- What?

Remember, we topped and tailed?

She tried to leave at midnight with me

but you insisted she stay
to celebrate with you.

Celebrate what?

You finished your book!

I did?

And I just read the whole thing.

Pauline, it's fantastic.

Did you drink my wake-up juice?

Of course I did.

Now, get dressed.

We have to discuss which publishers

we are going to send
this masterpiece to.

Oh, publishers!

So she fired you?

Yes.

Your own wife?

Yes.

This must be very embarrassing
for a man like you.

A tad.

I am thinking perhaps you would
like me to stop talking about it.

Might be an idea.

SHERON: What's the hotel?

Is it a nice hotel? Where is it?

Is she with you now? Can you put her on?

Cyd! Oh, congratulations.
We're all beside ourselves here.

I can't wait to see you again in person
and give you a big hug.

What's the ring like?

He hasn't given you a ring?

Why hasn't he given you a ring?
He's not given her a ring.

Put him back on, will you?

Rob, why haven't you given her a ring?

Well, hang on, didn't you have one here?

What do you mean you took it back?

What... Do you know her birthstone?

Well, what do you mean you don't know
her birthstone? Put her on, will you?

Oh...

Rob, ignore your mam,

turn off your phone,
enjoy yourselves. Bye!

Sheron, they just got engaged
and they're in Paris.

Do you not think
they've got better things to do

than play Twenty Questions with us?

You're right. You're right.

I'm just so excited!

Oh, just think about it.

It's nearly our 25th wedding anniversary

and our little Robbie
has got himself engaged.

In a couple of years' time,
we could actually be grandparents.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Billy...

We're not old, are we?

What?

I mean, you know what they say,


Yeah, but what's 50?

I don't know.

Have you two not done troughing yet?

Yeah, come on, we need to bag
our place by the pool

before the prunes get it.

Actually, Sheron and I were thinking of
heading off into Benidorm for the day,

- weren't we, babe?
- Yeah.

We're not really
the sitting-around type.

Since when?

Since always, Mam.
We're not 51, you know.

- [SIGHS]
- What are you doing?

You can't pack those now.

What, my posh clothes?

Well, I wouldn't call them posh, but
they're the closest you've got to smart.

You'll need them this afternoon.

- Will I? Why?
- Dennis!

How many times do I have
to go through this with you?

The flight back is this evening,

that means we spend the morning lounging
round the pool one last time,

then, with an hour to spare,
we make the arrest.

What's that got to do with my trousers?

Well, you can hardly arrest him
dressed in beachwear, can you?

For once, let's try
to look professional.

You might want to give
your moustache a little trim as well.

You're starting to look like a hipster.

Okay Nige.

- What are you gonna wear?
- Me? I'm fine as I am.

- But you're in your beachwear.
- Yes.

But mine doesn't have stupid
little anchors all over it, does it?

I like the little anchors.

Oh, Joey, Callum,
need you to do us a favour.

I'm supposed to pick up
some discount cards

for a walking tour they run
in the old town.

I'd nip there myself,

but Temple-Savage isn't best pleased
with me at the moment.

I can just see her report me
if I abandon me desk.

Just tell Marco I sent you.

little booth by the marina.

Oh, you'll need to get there
before 11:00, though.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What exactly is in this for us?

Oh, well. All right. [WHISPERS]

No, no, Joey, Joey,
that's not in it for him.

Just you.

Oh, right. I did wonder.

Well, you can just
keep me company, then.

I mean, on the walk down,
not when I'm...

Yeah, I think he gets it, Joey.

Yes, well...

I fancied a walk anyway, actually, so...

Publish it?

But you can't...
It's p*rn.

Not really.
It's erotica.

A bit like p*rn,
only for posh people.

You know something, Noreen?
You've never encouraged this girl.

It's no wonder that she's taken
so long to find her true calling.

Oh. When will that thing open?

Right, well, I'd better get back
to my boyfriend.

You are still coming for lunch,
aren't you, Pauline?

Mmm.

Bye-bye for now.

Pauline...

Pauline, love, are you sober?

Look at the state of me.
I'm blind sober.

Then perhaps you should
read this again, now,

before the bar opens.

No. I'd have to take my sunglasses off.

I refuse to surrender to this hangover.

Well, I suppose
I'll have to read it to you.

Ooh!

Just like Jackanory.

[PHONE RINGING]

Solana Benidorm,
Lesley speaking.

Oh, Miss Hennessy-Vass,
it's been a while.

Oh, aye, uh, we did talk earlier.
I forgot.

-[LAUGHS]
-[MOUTHING]

You're after Mrs Temple-Savage?

Erm, no, she's not back yet.

I'll tell her you called. Erm...

Why aye for now, then.

"Why aye for now, then"?

It's a long story.

Oh. Well, anyway, thank you
for covering for me.

God only knows what she wanted,

but I've had my fill of conversing
with loonies for the time being.

[LAUGHS]

In that case, you might not
want to look up.

What?

Hello. How are you?

Sammy Valentino, nice to meet you.

I know exactly who you are,
Mr Valentino.

Our entire hotel knows who you are.

You traumatised
half our guests last night.

Who loves you?

[SCREAMS]

Kids, eh?
Anyway, I'm looking for my manager,

Monty Staines, do you know him?

Know him?

He's my husband and I've just fired him.

- What, from being your husband?
- No.

From being this hotel's
entertainments manager.

-[SIGHS]
- Which means

you no longer have any business here.

So I suggest you leave right away
before I call the police.

Ooh!

Well, I suggest you call a solicitor
while you're at it

and get him to have a look at this.

A menu?

What? No. No, no, no. This is a contract

between me, Sammy Valentino,
and Solana Entertainment,

guaranteeing me two live
stage performances per week

for the next 12 months.

And it's signed and dated right there,
you see? "Monty Staines."

Aw!

- Who loves you?
-[SCREAMS]

Perhaps you should come into my office
and discuss this further,

- away from people.
- No, you're right.

People tend to get
very excited around me.

Your hand's shaking. What a waste.
Come on.

Urh, urh, find Monty.

Uh-huh.

Hello!

I'm here, are you home?

MAN: Yeah, in the kitchen.

Oh, you've picked up some groceries.

You're such a treasure.

I don't deserve you. I really don't.

Mmm?

Oh, my niece is coming for lunch.

Can't wait for you to meet her.

Neither can I.

JOEY: Hello!

Hello!

- Hello, is anybody home?
- Joey!

I think if someone was in,
they'd have answered by now.

They've obviously taken a group off.

She did say to get here by 11:00.

Maybe the cards are still in there.

Nineteen euros?

To look at some old churches and stuff?

I bet they hardly get any punters.

Who comes on holiday
to look at bricks?

I think I've got something.

Celebrity walking tours.
That's where it's at these days.

I've seen people back home queue round
the block for that sort of nonsense.

Half of it's probably made-up.

"Come see the nightclub doorway
Zac Efron once threw up in."

Is that round here somewhere, then?

What?

Oh, um...

Well, you'll just have to take the tour
to find out, won't you?

Twelve euro, or ten and a smile.

Lovely, thank you.
We'll be starting in ten minutes.

Callum, what are you doing?

Uh, a celebrity walking tour
of Benidorm?

Yeah, but we're not tour guides
and there's no celebrities in Benidorm!

We are now.

Last call for Benidorm
celebrity premier walking tour.

Follow in the footsteps of the stars.

NOREEN: "And just like that,
it was as if a..."

Oh, dear. Uh...

"As if a volcano had erupted

"between..."

Oh, dear.

-"Between her..."
- Between her what?

I wrote that?

I really wrote that?

And this is just Chapter 2.

God.

What's wrong with me?

You're a troubled genius.

I'm just troubled.

Pauline love, no.

I'm not going to the bar, Mum.

I'm going to Auntie Doreen's.

I can't let her send this
to a publisher.

I can't let anyone see it. I just can't.

Thanks, Mum.

You wanted to see me? I...

- Sammy.
- Monty,

can you explain this?

Yeah. A menu?

What? No, this.

Monty, that is our contract.

I was telling your bird here
all about it.

How you guaranteed me
two live stage performances per week.

You surely don't expect...

Not after last night.

Last night?

You do remember last night,
don't you, Sammy?

Of course I remember last night, Monty.

I had four encores and a standing
ovation and all those people chanting,

"Sammy! Sammy! Sammy!

"Sammy! Sammy!" Then...

And then, the strangest thing happened.
I looked down into the audience

and I saw my father there,

standing there with a big bowl
of hot chicken soup.

What's all that about, Monty, huh?
What's all that about?

- Oh, my God.
- Monty, just see you outside, please?

SAMMY: Daddy,
I don't like the chicken soup.

Daddy.

It's got sage croutons.
I don't like sage croutons.

- He's completely deranged!
- Oh, you noticed that, did you?

Then why did you put the clause
in the contract

stating his services
couldn't be terminated...

-[PHONE RINGING]
-...regardless of circumstances,

for at least 12 months?
Regardless, Monty.

Oh. Put that down.

MONTY: Well, to be honest,

- he dictated most of this.
- Brilliant.

Just brilliant.

Monty, he's got us over a barrel.

- Excuse me.
-[SHRIEKS]

I'm going to be rehearsing for
tonight's live performance,

so if you'd be so kind as to point me

in the direction of my dressing room,
thank you.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, now.

Surely, a man of your talent
doesn't rehearse,

he merely prepares.

And what better way to prepare
than a complete makeover?

I mean, hair styled,
teeth whitened, skin...

oranged.

Lesley, why don't you take
our new headlining act

over to the salon?
Anything he wants is on the house.

- Nae bother, Mrs T.
- Lead on.

[JOYCE GIGGLES]

Right.

We are going to have to find
some way out of this mess!

[SEAGULLS SQUAWKING]

Twenty-five years.

Do you remember our first date?

Of course.

We went to the movies.

Then, on the way out,
there was that street dancer.

And I figured it was as good a time as
any to show off a few moves of my own.

Oh, my God, that's right.

You did that thing
you always used to do.

Mr Funky Robot.

You looked like you were having a
slow-motion seizure set to drum-n-bass.

Didn't stop that passerby
sticking 50 pence

into me empty popcorn box, though,
did it?

[CHUCKLING] Which you didn't even
give to the actual performer.

Why should I? I earned it.

Plus, it made you laugh.

[LAUGHS]

That's when I fell in love
with you, you know.

First time I heard you laugh.

Aw!

You know when I fell in love with you?

That very same night.

Our first kiss.

- Really?
- Really.

You were walking me back home,

and you just suddenly stopped
and you turned to me and...

Well, you know, in the old movies
when the couple kiss,

and then suddenly there's fireworks
going off in the sky above them?

Well, that happened.

That actually happened.

Did it?

I don't remember that.

Well, not literally, you plank.

Metaphorically!

And when we kiss now,
do you still hear those fireworks?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

KENNETH: Keep him here?

What's that supposed to mean?
This is a salon, not a frigging créche.

We deserve danger money for this.
From what I've heard, this guy

- is two limes short of a margarita.
- Huh.

- Who loves you?
-[BOTH SCREAM]

[LAUGHS] So where do you want me?

Said the actress to the bishop.

- Which actress?
- What?

- What?
- Ay?

Jesus Christ, it's like a conversation
in a nursing home.

Right, would you like to take
a seat here, Mr Valentino?

Now, as you know, the barnet
is a bit of a trademark,

so let's not go too radical. No, no, no.

Maybe just take a little bit off the top
to start with, I think. Yeah.

Off the top of, um...

LIAM: But it's a wi...

Off the top of your hair?

The hair that's growing
out of your head?

Yes, well,
I'm not gonna have you touching

any hair that's growing anywhere else,
am I now?

Not unless you're gonna take me out
for dinner first. Ha!

What?

[MOUTHING]

[WHISPERS] Mime it.

Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip.

- Clip, clip, clip.
-[MOUTHING] For God's sake!

And here we have the start of
the Yellow Brick Road?

From the movie The Wizard of Oz.

Now, as you can see, the yellow paint
has worn away slightly.

[KICKS]

And the area is much more built up now.

But this was indeed the actual spot
Julie Garland sang Edelweiss.

Joey, over to you.

Yes.

And you remember where we showed you

where they filmed Jaws on the marina?

Well, if you look up here...

That flat there with the purple flowers
on the balcony,

that's where...

Steven Spielberg wrote many
of his movies.

Including Saving Private Ryan
and the Ghoulies.

And... And, of course,
the purple flowers inspired him to write

The Color Purple, which was about...

About two hours long.

Okay, lots to see, folks.
let's keep it moving.

Mmn?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, you made it, then.
Come on in.

Yes... Erm...

Auntie....

- we need to talk.
- That's odd.

Where's Malcolm?

He was just here.

Malcolm?

Malcolm?

- Malcolm.
- Hello, Pauline.

Do we really have to arrest him?

I mean, it's just a bit of tax fraud,
at the end of the day.

Just a bit of tax... Dennis, we work
for the fraud department.

Look, this is literally our last chance
to bump up a rank.

Do you have any idea the difference
this will make to our pensions?

[BLOWS]

- Okay, Nige.
- Thank you.

Hey, what' s this?

Nothing.

Nigel.

I bought it for me and you to share
after we made the arrest.

Now you've ruined it all
with your "let him go" talk.

You soured the whole thing.

You bought this for us?

I'm really sorry Nige.

So you should be.

Why don't we open it now? [CHUCKLES]

You're definitely gonna
go through with the arrest?

Yeah.

Will you get changed
out of that anchor shirt?

Absolutely.

- Well, okay.
- [LAUGHS]

Hey, let me.

- I can do it.
- Let me!

Arh...

[LAUGHS] There you see.

You can't do it either... Oh!

Nigel?

Nigel!

Nigel!

Nige! Can we get some help?

Please, I can't swim.

Nigel!

Get some help, please.

But...

You two know each other?

We were engaged.

He's obsessed with me.

Oh, but he's my boyfriend.

Wake up and smell the Ovaltine,
will you?

There's only ever been one woman for me.

And now...

[GASPS]

I'm here to reclaim her.

Is that a flare g*n?

Have you any idea how hard it is
to get hold of an actual g*n?

I mean, it still fires, doesn't it?

Now, the pair of you,

Go and sit down.

Now!

Come on, move, move!

Sit, sit, sit, sit, come on.

Good.

Don't you worry about it, fella.

All Solana staff are fully trained
in first aid and resuscitation.

Off you go, then.

Why should I do this?

I jumped in the water
and pulled him out.

You should be the one doing
the breaths of life.

Yeah, but you're younger than me,
aren't you?

Fitter lungs and that.

Yes, but my fitter lungs have already
been worked to excessives

with the swimming and the pulling.

[SIGHS]

- For God's sake, will one of you do it?
- [MOUTHING]

All right, stand back.

[GRUNTS AND INHALES DEEPLY]

[LES GRUNTING]

Oh. Push, push.

Police! Freeze!

What'd you just say?

Um, he's delirious, that's all.

Yeah, I'll take it from here.

- Come on, Nige.
- Oh...

[MUMBLES]

[GROANS]

What just happened?

Well, er...

You accidentally fell into
the pool somehow.

Oh.

And the guy we're supposed to arrest,

he's just saved your life.

Oh, wow.

This isn't awkward at all, is it?

[SIGHS]

[NEED U PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

Ah, I suppose that would have been
us once.

But just 'cause
we don't act daft any more,

it doesn't necessarily mean...

Billy?

Billy, where are you...

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

Oh, no, no, not Mr Funky Robot.

You know it, baby. He's back.

[GROANS]

Oh, no thanks.

Hey, piss off somewhere else.

[SHERON LAUGHING]

Go on, clear off, you old man.

[LAUGHS]

Go, go, go!

Well, at least you made more
than last time.

Who said some things
don't improve with age, eh?

You pulled a muscle?

No! [SCOFFS]

Really?

Oh, okay.

No, no, never mind, Sir Henry, no, no.

Thank you so much for checking for me.

[CHUCKLING]

His passport's up to date

and he's got all his papers.

So, I guess we have
to rule out deportation.

-[SIGHS]
- Well, that's it, then.

We've ruled out everything.

-[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-[DOOR OPENS]

Crystal Hennessy-Vass
is on the phone again.

-[GROANS]
- I think she might be starting

to suspect I am not Lesley.

Fine, put her through.

She' s already through.

Crystal, how are you?

[CHUCKLES] No, of course I haven't been
avoiding you. I've just been very...

Mateo?

Ooh!

Well, I must say, Crystal,
I think this is very short notice.

I mean, when exactly would...

- This afternoon?
- [HYPERVENTILATING]

- Could we just please talk...
- [DIALLING TONE]

Hello?

Hello.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Crystal has, uh,

requested your company
on another pleasure cruise.

An eight month pleasure cruise.

Oh!

Um, apparently,

a driver will be picking you up
within the hour.

I see.

Well...

it has been a pleasure working with you
these past few years

but I am afraid I must go now

to throw myself off the top of a cliff.

Monty...

Would someone like tell me
what's happening here?

Miss Hennessy-Vass is wanting me
to be her porcupine again.

Concubine!

No, porcupine!

You do not know the half of it.

[CHUCKLES] But that's illegal.

Isn't it?

Yes. Well, she doesn't put that down
on his employment form, does she?

She's not stupid.

She has him down as a...

- As a what?
- An entertainer.

Okay, so,

here we have one of the many
locations used in Benidorm for the movie

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.

Now, this was, of course,
used for the famous ice cream...

room scene.

Which leads us on to the...

Fudge packing room!

And as a special treat, we have arranged
for a free ice cream tasting session...

Free ice cream tasting session
with one of the original Oompa-loompas.

Horray...

[APPLAUSE]

Please form an orderly queue.

Come on, let's get out of here.

[RINGING]

I should probably answer that.

Nobody is answering anything.

But it might be the publisher
about Pauline's book.

What?

You mean, you've already sent it?

As soon as I got in.

Ah, yes, the famous book.

See what happens, Pauline,
when I'm not there to take care of you?

Drunk as a skunk, writing p*rn?

It's erotica.

No, no. It's p*rn.

And I'm not drunk.

Well, I know you're not,

which is why you'll need these.

You see, Pauline, unfortunately,
our relationship

is very much based on you
being out of control?

And me protecting you from yourself.

So, come on.

Drinkie-poo?

No.

Drink the vodka, Pauline!

Oh, dear.

Something's wrong.

Something's very wrong.

I think it's my sister.

Oh, is it your psychopathic link again?

What are you feeling?

She's in danger.

Real danger.

A world tour?

I promised you the world, Sammy,

and I'm giving you the world

as viewed through the porthole
of your own private dressing room

aboard a luxury cruise liner.

I've taken the liberty of drawing up
a new contract for you.

It renders the old one
null and void, of course,

but that shouldn't be a problem.

So, er...

I just need your autograph on the bottom.

I'll just give it
a little read through first.

Oh, yes, yeah, of course. Yeah.

Do you think he'll sign?

Yeah, of course he'll sign.

Hey, you do realise that's a wig
he's wearing, don't you?

He's been staring at his own reflection
for the last two hours in the mirror

while me and Liam
have been playing cards.

He said it was the best haircut
he's ever had.

I don't know.

For some reason, he becomes dangerously
sane when it comes to contracts.

None of this is making sense to me.

Do you really think Miss Hennessy-Vass
will be accepting him over me?

I mean, it is like ordering the lobster
and being given the prawn.

Mateo, at a risk of damaging your ego,

if the stories about Crystal are true,

you could stick a vest on a donkey

and she'd still be happy.

He's coming. Act naturally.

[SIGHS] Monty?

- It's about this contract.
- Uh, yes?

It needs a witness.

Oh, wait. I'll sign it. I'll sign it.

I'll sign it. I'll sign it.

[CHUCKLES]

Sammy Valentino's going global, baby!
Whoo! [CHUCKLES]

Okay, here we go.

No turning back.

Right.

You know what?

I think you should take this one.

I feel you've earned it.

Can't we just let him go, Nige?

If we go home empty-handed,

we're finished.

Officers!

We're not officers.
We're greengrocers, okay?

Retired greengrocers.

- Gay ones.
- Oh, please.

You've got to help us.

It's me sister and me daughter.
I think they're in real danger.

It would let us put off the inevitable
for a bit longer.

[SIGHS] Okay, exactly what's going down?

We can explain on the way.

Erm... Excuse me.

Oh, Sam.

Listen, I'm really sorry.

We completely forgot about the tokens

or the vouchers
or whatever they were, didn't we?

Aye, we totally forgot.

- Sorry.
- That's okay.

Marco came over
and brought them himself.

Cool. Well, we're gonna go
and get changed

and then head up to British Square
for the night.

I thought you were skint?

We had a walk around
the old town and, uh,

found some money.

Yeah, fascinating place.

We should go there sometime.

So you didn't make it
to the walking tour booth?

No, sorry.

No worries. Apparently,
Marco had a very slow day, anyway.

[SNIFFS] Whoo-hoo-hoo!
We've been walking for miles, so,

better hop in that shower, eh?

Yeah, laters.

Uh, Joey?

Nice hat.

[CHUCKLES]

They're learning.

Come on Pauline.

I know they're calling to you.

Give in! Choose your poison.

Then you can forget
all of this silliness.

There'll be nothing
but blissful oblivion.

And me,

waiting at the end of it all.

- [DOORBELL BUZZES]
- Oh, for...

Not a word.

Malcolm.

Oh, great, it's the other one.

Nige, it's Malcolm Barrett.

It's the Fox.

Bloody is and all.

Half the British Constabulary
are looking for you.

Brilliant. This day just gets better
and better, doesn't it?

Right, inside, all of you.

- Is that a flare g*n?
- Oh, everyone's a bloody critic.

Come on, in, in, in, in. You, you, you.

Come on, in, move it.

Wow!

I've got my own driver
with blacked out windows.

MONTY: Of course.

Only the best for Solana Cruises'
latest and greatest headline act.

- Thank you, Monty.
- Not at all.

No, really.

Thank you.

For everything.

You know,

this might be hard to believe,
but there was a...

A part of me that was worried
that I might be past my

sell-by date, you know, like a...

[SIGHS] Like a washed-up has-been.

[SCOFFS]

But you changed all that.

You're not just my manager, Monty.

You're my friend.

You're my best friend.

Thank you.

[MOUTHING]

[SIGHS] Right.

Right! The world awaits. Ha!

Oh, God, what are we doing?

Monty.

The poor kid.

She'll eat him alive.

Monty, keep it together.
He's almost gone.

Who loves you?

Sammy loves you.

Come on!
I said who loves you?

Sammy loves you!

Louder! Who loves you?

BOTH: Get in the bloody car!

Oh, all right. Calm down.
Right, Arthur, let's go.

- The Fox?
- Yeah.

His picture's been
on our wanted board forever.

He has parted more gullible people
from their money than PPI insurance.

Then two years ago,

he just stopped.

That's when he met me.

Exactly.

You saved me, Pauline, don't you see?

I left all that behind
and focused on making you better.

I've only ever wanted
what's best for you. You know that.

Now, will you please down half a bottle
of neat vodka

so we can move on with our lives?

What about the others?
Will you let them go?

Pauline, after a few sips
of what ails you,

you're not gonna care any more.

You're going to k*ll us, aren't you?

How's he going to k*ll us
with a flare g*n?

Have you ever heard
of spontaneous human combustion?

How would you like
a practical demonstration?

All right, all right. I'll do it.

Okay.

[EXHALES]

MALCOLM: Yeah, that's it.

Through the mouth, over the gums.

look out, brain, here it...

Ow!

Oh, Christ!

I have to say, Billy,

it's been fun
being young with you again.

Well, we're not done
repeating history just yet.

- What do you mean?
- I mean, we've finished the date,

the impromptu display of dancing,

and now we're on to the bit
when I'm walking you home.

And I stop,

turn to you,

and then...

- Get it off him!
-[STRAINING]

- [MEN GRUNTING]
- Get him over.

Tell me you heard that.

Oh, I heard it.

[CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTS] Hey...

You're nicked, sunshine.

Yeah, you said it.

He's always wanted to say that.

- Checking out, please.
- Of course.

Did you enjoy your stay?

Actually, yes.

- Oh.
- Might even come back again sometime.

Bring the wife.

Good, he enjoyed it too, then?

- Sorry?
- [CHUCKLES]

You'll laugh when I tell you this,
but when you first arrived,

my senior receptionist

thought you looked like
undercover police officers.

[LAUGHS] Undercover...

No offence.

Making me carry your suitcases.

There's such a thing
as prisoner's rights.

Oh, it gets worse.

We're making you pay the cab fare, too.

[GROANS]

Feel free to let
your senior receptionist know

he doesn't have to keep looking
over his shoulder any more.

We caught a far bigger fish.

No offence.

[CHUCKLES]

[AT LAST PLAYING]

# At last

# My love has come along...

Liam, Liam.

I was just locking up the salon
and found this.

- Mateo, where's Lesley?
- I do not know.

I have been stuck here on my own.

Liam,

have you seen your...

Liam, what is it?

It's a letter from his dad.

He's gone on the run.

He's what?

He said he heard those two men talking.

He said they were undercover officers
all along, just like he thought.

Yes, I know they were,
but they weren't after him.

Well, I mean, they were after him.
Well, I mean, they're not any more.

It' s complicated, okay?

What else does he say? Does he say
where he's gone? Does he say anything?

- That he loves me.
- Oh!

And he's sorry.

Oh, love, come here. Come here.

Joyce?...

Since I need to find a new job now,

I was wondering if you could
give me a reference?

As you're the only...

I'll come back.

# And that magic spell was cast

# And here we are in heaven

# For you are mine

# At last #

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN TO GEORGIA PLAYING]

Okay, it's sorted.

Taxi is taking us to the airport
first thing in the morning.

And as soon as we get home,

I'm calling my old boss
and asking for my job back.

I don't know what I was thinking
with this writing business.

[MOBILE RINGING]

Hello?

Yes, speaking.

Pauline? Yes, she's here.

Hold on.

Hello?

Who?

Oh, I see. No, no, listen,

you shouldn't have been sent that.
It was...

I'm sorry, say that again?

I look forward to meeting you, too.

- Bye.
- Who was it?

The publisher Auntie emailed
the book to.

They want to print it.

But Pauline, no.

They think it should be
the first part of a trilogy.

Oh, Pauline, no.

And they're willing to pay me
an advance of £10,000.

Oh, Pauline, no...

How much?

What do you say, Muse?

Hmm, I think I might have a few
windows in me diary.

'Cause I am going to need
all the help I can get.

Especially as I intend to write
the next two completely sober.

Now, that I'll drink to.

# I'd rather live in his world

# Than without him in mine

# Oh! For love we're gonna board

# We're gonna board the midnight train

# For love, we're gonna board

# We're gonna board the midnight train

# I got to go, I got to go, I got to go

# The midnight train #

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]