03x01 - Pink Flood

[bunniefuu]

- I'm just gonna say it.
- Say what?

You forgot today is
my birthday, didn't you?

Forgot? Hardly.

In fact, my first of many
presents is the day off.

Go home and rest up.

I've got a hell
of an evening planned.

Really?
Oh, that is great news!

I am sick of seeing
my friends' birthday parties

on Instagram.
If I see one more pic

of Denise's "Plastered at
the Parthenon" party in Greece,

- I'm gonna toss my tzatziki.
- Oupa!

Well, tonight is going to be epic.

A birthday you'll never forget.

I forgot Karen's birthday!

You gotta help me,
or I'm a dead man!

Oh, no, that's terrible,

but I'm not actually open yet.

Can you come back in 10 minutes?

♪ You think there's not
a lot goin' on ♪ [music]

♪ Look closer, baby
you're so wrong ♪

How could I have forgotten
Karen's birthday?

I dunno. How'd you forget
all the other years?

I should have at least
done the pink flamingo gag.

- What's the pink flamingo gag?
- It's a classic.

Uh, if it was a classic,
I think I would've heard of it.

You put
a bunch of pink flamingoes

on a person's lawn at night,

so when they wake up
in the morning...

Boom! Lawn full
of pink flamingoes!

[laughs]

Oh, no...
Oh, that's awesome!

Why don't you just do that one?

'Cause she's already
awake, dinglenuts.

Okay, Karen's party,
what can I do to help?

- Where is it happening?
- How about at the bar?

We always go to the bar.
This has to be special.

So book the town hall.

Every event is catered
by the Kitchen Committee.

That'll take care of the food
and the birthday cake.

Not the stupid
Kitchen Committee!

Everything they make
is so boring and beige.

Bland, boiled perogies,
dry vanilla sheet cake.

Well, Karen's favourite
dessert is macaroons.

Great!
So I'll make macaroons,

and the stupid Kitchen Committee
can make their regular

crappy garbage, and we'll
all pretend we like it.

You'd have to get
their approval.

Okay.
Who's in charge?

Oh.
[clears throat]

[music]

Happy birthday, partner.

Is that Arcade Fire?
Wow, they're versatile.

We're getting a free dinner
with this gig, right?

Oh, Davis, you're
the best partner ever!

And to top it off,
here to dance with you

is that handsome
movie star you like.

What's his name...?

How do I know
what movie star she likes?

Plus a chandelier, satin drapes?

- That's a lot to organize in one day.
- You're right. I'm screwed.

Relax, I'm here to help.
So, first things first.

Does Arcade Fire
get a free meal each,

or one to share?

[telephone rings]
Corner Gas.

I have an emergency.
Get over here!

[call disconnects]

Grabbing a few snacks.

Heading home
to watch TV in my PJs.

Got the whole
rest of the day off.

Great, watch the store for me.
There's an emergency.

'Cause it's my birthday.
Thanks for asking.

I'm sorry for saying the Kitchen
Committee sucks and is boring.

Well, I stand by the boring,
and the sucking.

It is the same menu
every time.

Maybe we should
shake things up a bit.

You know what,
you can make the dessert.

Really?
Thanks, Wanda!

Is the rest of the committee
gonna be okay with this?

[chuckles]

Oh, they will be
if I tell them to be.

I run that committee.

- I've been kicked off the committee.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

No, screw that pack
of crusty cranks.

They want to keep boiling up
recipes from World w*r I,

that's their problem.

You're still making
those macaroons for Karen,

and those backward butt-wipes
can go pound sand!

Well, with people skills like that,

I can't believe
they kicked you out.

Ah, it's all politics.

Hey, Mom, where's Dad?

- I got a call saying...
- Shut your yap, and get down here!

Never mind,
I think I found him.

Okay, so what's the emergency?

We're knee-deep
in water, jackass!

Oh, this isn't on purpose?

I didn't want to paddle
to conclusions.

Okay, so you got a sump pump,
or a million sponges,

or what's the plan?

The plan is you get out of here
and leave me alone.

Ah. See, on the phone,
you said, "I need your help.

Get over here."
I must've misunderstood.

I need you here, up there,

distracting your mother
while I clean this up.

She's been nagging me for months
to fix the damn water heater.

- And did you?
- Oh, you're smart.

Okie-dokie.
I'm off to distract Mom.

I wouldn't want this to tarnish
her impression of you.

She holds you
in such high regard.

We'll need music,
balloons, tablecloths,

table candles, table cards...

- I hope they have tables.
- We still doing the flamingo thing?

- I'm telling ya, it's a classic.
- I told you "it's a classic."

I also told you it's too late.

We could put a bunch
of flamingoes in town hall.

Still hilarious.
Think outside the box.

When it comes to thinking,

you probably shouldn't wander
too far from the box.

What box?

Mom!
I thought you were outside.

I was.
Now I'm inside.

Those doors
are really paying off.

[chuckles] Good one.
You're good at sarcasm.

Hey, let's take a walk
to higher ground,

and you can tell me how you
come up with those zingers.

- No, thanks.
- Boom! Two for two.

Okay, well, uh...
how about we just sit up here

- on the main floor and talk?
- All right, let's talk about

why your pants are wet
from the knees down.

Oh, that's the latest trend.

Used to be saggy pants,
now soggy.

Okay, follow-up question.
Why aren't you at work?

- Karen's watching the place.
- Karen?

- Cop Karen?
- Yeah, she begged me to let her.

Wanted a taste
of the retail life, I guess.

Who could blame her?
Pretty glamorous.

This is 10-W40.
You got any 10-W30?

I don't know,
I don't work here.

- Then why are you behind the counter?
- It's my day off.

That doesn't make any sense.

Makes even less sense
if you know it's my birthday.

That's a long list of stuff.

Better get moving
if you're gonna get all that done.

What, I'm doing all this?
What are you doing?

I have to round up guests to make
sure there's people at her party.

Look, if you get
all that stuff done,

- you can do the flamingo gag.
- Sold!

[engine revs]

[grumbling angrily]

Have you fixed it yet?

I don't know how long
I can keep Mom occupied.

I give you one job, and you can't
even do that for ten minutes!

- You're useless.
- I suppose I am.

Mom!
Dad flooded the basement!

Whoopsie.
Silly, useless me.

- What the hell happened?
- Hello, my pet.

- There she is!
- Hi, guys. What's up?

- You tell us what's up.
- Yeah, what's up, Lacey?

Little Miss "What's Up"?

Okay, now that that's settled,
what can I get you?

Where do you get off
thinking you can neuter

the Kitchen Committee?

Oh, you're the Kitchen Committee.
I can explain...

No need to explain
anything, Lacey.

[mocking] "This is
the Kitchen Committee."

- We've established...
- And it looks like they made

- a wrong turn and ended up on our turf.
- Our "turf"?

Word on the street is
you think you can bring dessert

- to a committee event.
- The street? [chuckles]

Are we on The Wire?

We do what we want
when we want.

- Huh!
- Hey!

I was just making a point.

You want w*r,
we'll give you a w*r.

- No one wants w*r.
- I'd love a w*r!

I was just saying I could
go for some trench foot

- and mustard gas.
- She really wasn't.

Well, if you don't
want our dessert,

maybe we won't
make dinner either.

- Let's not...
- Good! Who needs you?!

Lacey and I will make the
dessert and the dinner!

- We'll what?
- Good luck.

[chuckles]
We sure told them.

What is wrong with you?

[music]

Oh, hey,
Kitchen Committee.

I heard about Karen's
birthday dinner.

Oh, baby, I can't wait to
fill my gut with your perogies.

Well, we're not doing the dinner,

so there won't be any perogies.

Great, looking forward to it.

Wait, what did you say,
and why do you want to hurt me?

[groans]
What have you gotten me into?

I can't cater dinner
and dessert by myself.

Who said "by yourself"?
I can cook too, you know.

I was head of
the Kitchen Committee.

I feed my kid every day.

Wait, did I...?
I'll be right back.

Okay, explain to me
what the Kitchen Committee

just explained to me, and
then tell me they're wrong.

They're not wrong.

We're cooking
Karen's birthday dinner.

So you're making their perogies?

I don't know what we're making,

but it's not going to be
boring old perogies.

I see, but you could make

a couple dozen boring
old perogies for me, right?

[scoffs] Make your own perogies.
You sell frozen ones at Corner Gas.

No, the store-bought ones
aren't as yummy.

The Kitchen Committee has
some special secret recipe.

Then go find their recipe
and make some.

The recipe.
Sure, how hard can it be?

I can read.
I can work a spoon.

Honestly, sometimes he's
like a helpless child.

Right, I gotta go.

Okay, listen, before you get
all mad, just hear me out.

[laughs]

You're chuckling.

Is that angry chuckling?

I knew you wouldn't fix
the water heater,

and it was just a matter of time

before something
like this happened,

so I already took
everything I cared about

out of the basement.

[laughs]
Not everything.

That flowered hat I
bought you is right there,

- and it's ruined.
- I said "everything I cared about."

[grunting with effort]

Thanks for your help.

My back isn't what
it was 20 years ago.

Mine isn't what it was
20 seconds ago.

[groans] This is like
10 years' worth of wiper fluid.

How long do you think
you're gonna live?

Well, sorry! How'd you like it
if I took my business elsewhere?

If you would've taken it
elsewhere before you took it here,

I would've loved it.

I made this for you.

- Oh, sweetheart...
- I know, right?

Karen's birthday party tonight.

8:00. Town Hall.
Be there.

- We can't. It's our date night.
- I see.

Well, looks like
I have to give you guys a ticket

- for loitering.
- Loitering? We're having a picnic.

- Open liquor...
- This is non-alcoholic beer.

- ...impersonating liquor. There.
- 500 bucks?

- Or come to Karen's party tonight.
- That's extortion.

Hmm, never looked
at it like that.

See you at 8:00!

You left this coat down
there too! I gave you this.

Are you saying
you don't like it?

It's ugly, ripped,

smells like a wet dog,
and that was before the flood.

When you shop for me,

do you just grab
the first thing you see?

Aah!

This one's damaged.
Discount!

Yeah, well you've given me
plenty of crappy gifts.

Maybe I'll toss some of those
in the water.

That'll show me.

There you are, Nate,
one bowl of soup,

just like Helen, who
ordered soup two minutes ago.

Mavis, are you
going to want a soup too?

Because I'm kinda busy
back there.

Oh, no, thank you, dear.

Step one,
separate the eggs...

[Mavis] Lacey,
can I have some soup?

[groans]

Okay, separate the...

[Nate] Lacey,
my soup's too hot.

[groans]

Okay, let's try this again.
Separate the...

All right!
Separate the eggs...

[Nate]
My spoon's too big!

I know what you're doing!

[police siren chirps]

Hey, you teenagers
drinking in the park,

do you know where
there's more booze?

Karen's party
at the Town Hall tonight!

Tell your parents!

Or I'll tell your parents.
[cell phone rings]

Hello?

The streamers are streamed,
the balloons are ballooned.

I decked the hell out of this hall.

Nice! Just as long as
there's no yellow, okay?

Karen hates yellow.

[balloon deflating]

Well, what do we have here?

The Christmas jam-jams
you got me.

Maybe I'll toss those in the...

No, these are way too cozy.

Oh, here we go,
my good birthday shirt.

It's basement bath time for...

Hmm... then what'll
I wear on my birthday?

Or my funeral?

A-ha!
These useless Easter...

I can't get rid of
these corn cuddlers.

Damn her thoughtful hide.

Where the hell
are the macaroons?

Ugh. The committee's got me
running around so much,

- I haven't started.
- The committee?

Why are you
sleeping with the enemy?

- Just tell 'em to get lost.
- They're customers.

My reputation means
everything. I can't just...

[Helen gasps]

- What did you say to them?
- I just told them

you keep free-range rats
in the kitchen.

What?!
That could ruin my business!

Whoa, whoa.
One problem at a time.

We really want you guys
to play at Karen's birthday,

but we can't afford
to give you each a meal.

How about we share
one meal,

but we each get a dessert?

Are you sure we're safe in
this arcade? It is on fire.

We're fine. You're dreaming
this whole thing anyway.

I'm going to kick you
in the ribs now.

What? Why?

Ow!
Hey, watch it.

Sorry to interrupt nap time.

I wasn't napping,
I fainted.

Guess I blew so hard
I passed out.

I read that on
a bathroom wall once.

Why didn't you just use that?

No way.
I'm savin' that for Karaoke.

Well, knock yourself out...
again.

Sorry I can't help.
I'm on a mission.

A mission... impossible!

[music]

Oh, that was
surprisingly possible.

...and then it hit me.

I gotta step it up
and get Emma a thoughtful gift.

Something real special,
you know?

- So you came to a gas station?
- What, I should go to Foo Mart?

Oh, looks like
the brick delivery's here.

You better bring those in.

Ugh, why is everything so heavy,

and why is Brent selling bricks?

Is he supposed to give
them away? Use your head.

The hall's done, and Hank's
gone to get flamingoes.

Ooh, these look good,
and they smell yummy,

like a high-end sun block.

Mm. That's what
we were going for.

[murmured counting]

Okay, 20.
Where's the other 180?

200 people?
That can't be right.

Oh, it isn't.

I didn't count us.
It's 203.

[both gasping]

[music]

- We can't cook for 200.
- 203.

Whatever!
We don't have enough time

to make 180 macaroons
and dinner.

- Dinner's off.
- What? No!

The party will suck, and
Karen'll never talk to me again.

I'll die alone and friendless.

- You're saying we're not your friends?
- That's a load off.

Look, you keep
making macaroons here,

I'll go home
and whip something up there.

That could work.

Just make sure it's something
special, and memorable!

I keep forgetting "memorable."

[music]

Oh...

so the "making them"
is the impossible part.

[sizzling]
Gah! Boiling!

Obviously!
[gasps]

Freezing!
Obviously.

Hey, what's this?

[music]

♪ Hallelujah! ♪

Hallelujah!

[cell phone rings]

Hank, what's taking so long?

I'm still at the flamingo place.

How many do you think
I should get?

Just get whatever you can
and boot it back here.

- The party's starting.
- Gimme 25 of the pink ones.

I told you,
they're not for sale.

Come on, some of them
are one-legged.

For you, my love.

I saw these flowers
and thought of you.

Yeah. I wonder why.

Are you selling these to Foo Mart?

- Aah!
- What are you doing?

You scared the hell
out of me!

I'm giving you
a shoulder massage.

You're giving me
a heart att*ck!

Surprise!
Made ya dinner.

Chicken a la Barbecue sauce.

- Bonjour.
- Why are you making dinner?

We're eating
at Karen's birthday party.

Judas Priest, there's no gift
that'll make you happy.

Just go to the damn party
by yourself, then!

Really?
A night away from you?

Oh, Oscar, that's so thoughtful.

[kissing]

Ha! Nailed it. [chuckles]
Easiest gift ever.

I'm a hell of a husband.

[music]

Ah, it looks like
we got it all done!

Yep, I sure did.
No small feat.

- Uh, don't you mean "we"?
- Fine. No wee feat.

[party music thumping]

We've got everything.

Karen's favourite music,
Karen's favourite dessert,

- Karen's favourite people...
- Where's Karen?

Oh, jeez.

[police siren wailing]

[sighs wearily]
Supposed to be
my day off.

Hardest day of work
in my life.

Get me to this party.
I need a drink.

You sure you don't
wanna go freshen up?

You look a little...

Yeah, let's get you a drink.

All right, main course,
what'd you make?

My specialty.
Ta-dah!

- Peanut butter sandwiches?
- And jam!

That's not special. Davis
said "make something special."

That's why I cut them
on an angle.

Ugh! This isn't a dinner!

This is a kid's lunch circa 1952.

Are you calling me
a bad mother?

- No, I'm calling you a bad cook.
- How about I call you an ambulance?

There's nothing like a party

to soothe the nerves
after a hard day.

[Lacey and Wanda arguing]

Yes, this is very relaxing.

- You said you'd help me!
- I came up with the rat story!

Well, at least I made
Karen's favourite dessert,

- macaroons!
- Oh, no, I'm allergic to coconut.

My favourite dessert is macarons.

That's what I said, only
not with the goofy accent.

- Nice work, Ina Garten.
- Oh, bite my biscuit!

Hey, hey, it's still a fun party.

There's music, balloons,
drinks, a goose.

Whoa, wait,
why is there a goose?

Oh, no...

[guests gasping]

- What the hell, Hank?
- You said get whatever,

and they're real
fussy-butts at the zoo.

Think of them
as Canadian flamingoes.

You know I meant plastic
flamingoes, right?

Oh...
Well, that makes more sense.

Davis, about this $500 ticket...
[goose squawking]

[yelping]

The food!
Now there's no dinner.

A-ha!
So you admit it's a dinner.

Oh, Brent, thank god
you made perogies,

- and there's enough for everyone.
- Everyone?

This is more of
a single-serving situation.

I don't know if...
[goose squawks]

Well, well, well,

it turns out that making
a whole dinner is...

[goose squawks]

[laughs]
How does that feel, you old...

Oh!

[music]
[geese squawking, people screaming]

I'm going to the bar.

Run for your lives!

[screaming]

[chuckling] Classic.

[squawks into microphone]

[laughing]

Oh, check it out!
I already got 200 more likes

than Denise's dumb
Parthenon Party. See?

Yup, I'll admit it took
a lot of work for me to plan.

- You planned a wild goose att*ck?
- Well, I planned the geese.

- The att*ck was icing on the cake.
- I'm sorry.

I just wanted it to be a special,
once-in-a-lifetime thing.

Trust me, it was.
No one will ever forget it.

- Especially Helen.
- You wanna go to w*r?

There's going to be
some scarring.

Best birthday ever.
Thanks, Davis.

[clinking glasses]
Cheers.

Oh, and hey, thanks

- for covering for me at Corner Gas.
- Sure.

By the way,
I didn't lock up the store,

- since I don't have keys.
- Ah, no biggie.

Dog River's
full of good people.

Sorry, I didn't bring in
the brick delivery.

You left the bricks outside?!

[panting in panic]

What are you
doing here, Oscar?

Did you pump the water
out of the basement?

I opened up a window.
It'll dry out.

By the time we get home,
no more problem.

[geese honking]

[aggressive squawking]

[music]

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things
you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ It's a great big place ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ And it's my happy place ♪
- ♪ I don't know ♪