04x08 - Swing and a Mist

[bunniefuu]

[music]

[sniffing]

Ew, what is that? Smells nice.

It's peppermint essential oil.

I brought a diffuser from home

to combat some of
the rank stench in this place.

You've worked here for years,

and suddenly the gas smell bothers you?

I've worked here for years,

and suddenly you switch
to a discount deodorant?

It was a hell of a deal.
Buy four, get six free.

- You don't like it?
- I don't like that it doesn't work.

You smell like you spilled
boiled cabbage into a gym bag.

- No offense.
- Some offense, actually.

[sniffing]

Okay, you may have a point,

but it's more like turnip than cabbage.

Anyway, that thing's too much.
It's overpowering.

- It's probably a health hazard.
- Quite the opposite, actually.

These all have very healthy properties.

This one relieves headaches.

This one increases energy.

This one... [whispering] reduces stress.

That's flaky new-age pseudo-science.

They're all just made

from the remnants
of old tubes of toothpaste.

Well, I needed something
to cover up the coleslaw

creeping out of your pits. No offense.

Are you clear about what "offense" means?

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

- I want a swing.
- It's too hot to dance.

I want an actual swing, swing.

Out here on the front porch.
I've been watching

a lot of the old Andy Griffith show lately,

and it seems so quaint and peaceful.

Forget it. Porch swings are too expensive.

It'd be worth it.

Just us, sitting on the front porch swing

with a glass of lemonade...

And now lemonade? More expense.

Come on... Can't you see us sitting out here

on a warm summer evening,

a soft breeze drifting across the yard,

crickets chirping in the rushes
as the sun sets...

[dream harp strumming]

Land sakes, it sure 'nuff
was a hot one today.

Warm as a cake on a tin griddle.

Y'all get the laundry in off'n the line?

Our boy done lent his hand to that task.

Here he comes yonder.

Ma! Pa! I done plucked 'n' folded the linen.

Mind if I scoot down
to the frog pond for a spell?

How old is he now? Gotta be 40.

Kind of creepy, but it could have its charm.

Fine, we'll do a porch swing.

Uh, but we're not buying one.
I'll build one.

But you're no good at building things.

Plus... you're a little late
to weigh in on this.

[truck's reverse alerts beeping]

Hiya, Hank. Need any help?

- Oh, thanks, Karen, but I'm good.
- Okie doke.

I'm here if you need me.

"Vetiver." "Bergamot."

"Ylang-Ylang"?

What are these, celebrity baby names?

There's no such thing as essential oil

unless you're making french fries.

Ol' factory stimulus has proven results.

This one inspires calm.

This one inspires productivity.
This one inspires focus.

Focus on ringing me up
so I can get out of here.

That minty thing is a little intense.

I want to pay for the gas, and...

- Oh, these Dill Pickle chips.
- See?

Your hippie fog machine
almost cost me a sale.

Hey, Karen, can you hand me a paper towel?

Get it yourself, greaseball!

- Why were you so mean to Hank?
- What? I wasn't.

You kind of were.

Good luck getting
that hunk of junk started, you dirtbag!

Dirtbag? Hold on... greaseball?

[music]

[grunting and grumbling]

Come on...

Line up... [grumbling]

Hi, Oscar. That's looking great.

Did you build that?

You see anyone else working on it?

How's it coming along?

Almost ready for you to take a test swing.

Hmm... did you use enough bolts?

I used all the bolts. Park your carcass.

Hey. It's actually holding together.

I was 98% sure you'd mess this up.

Jeez, Emma. That's not very nice.

Yeah. You're being a little ungrateful

to a guy who built you a really nice swing.

Yeah. She is, and yeah!

I did build it!

Brent, why is this cardboard box
in my storage area?

It's your stuff, not mine.

I just needed somewhere
to put my dead stock.

- Dead stock?
- Yeah, over the years,

I may have made a few
less than savvy decisions

when it comes to merchandise,

so I have a bunch of stuff that didn't sell.

- A "Make Your Own Slinky" kit?
- It's just a roll of wire.

Noddy McSnoozin's Bagpipe Lullabies?

I may have bought 200 too many of those.

Happy New Year glasses?

You've hung on to these since 2006?

2007. I got a great price,

and I thought they looked enough like 2009

that I could sell them then.

Turns out, people have become
more "detail-orientated" since Y2K.

Well, I need the room in my storage,

so these have to stay over here.

Oh, so that's what's drifting into The Ruby.

I'm sensitive to smells,
and it's giving me a headache.

No problem, this cures headaches.

- [spraying]
- [Lacey yelping]

What are you doing?

You can't just force your smells on people.

Tell that to Compost Pits over here,

- or you, with your celery soup.
- Why do you always

drag my celery soup into everything?

[music]

Hey, Davis, what's up with Karen?

One second she's nice to me,

and the next minute,
she's biting my head off.

I noticed that too.

I'm not sure what's going on,
but we should figure it out.

I don't like tension.

- Makes me tense.
- What makes you tense?

[yelping]

- You sneaking up on people.
- What's loser doing here?

Why are you being so mean to Hank?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You're literally kicking him right now.

Ow. Oh! Ah!

Oh, wow! I didn't even realize.

- Did that hurt?
- Uh, yeah. They're kicks!

[music]

[sniffing]

What is that smell?

[sniffing]

Is there peppermint in this?

I don't appreciate creativity in my soup.

It's not in your soup, it's in the air.

- You're flavouring the air?
- I'm outta here, Big City.

Ah, just sit down. I'm ending this now.

[grumbling]

You know, The Penguin isn't such a bad guy.

He's just misunderstood.

If Batman wasn't such a grumpy...

Wait a minute. I hate The Penguin.

Dammit, Wanda! Your diffuser
is making me too relaxed!

I'm sympathizing with super villains.

You can be snuggle-buddies
with Doctor Octopus

for all I care
if it covers up your pit reek.

Huh. He probably would be a good cuddler

with all those arms...

Dammit! I'm doing it again.

Hey! You moved that closer to The Ruby!

Yeah, I wasn't sure whether you said
you hated it or loved it.

It was "loved it," right?

Wrong, and you know it.

This is too much,
and it's affecting my business.

I want this thing shut down, now.

- I agree with Lacey.
- This peppermint smell is too much.

- Pit-stank says what?
- What?

[birds chirping]

[sighs deeply]

There it is!

[gasping] [glass shattering]

It's right up there
on the porch, underneath my wife.

[chuckling smugly] I built it myself.

[all] Ooh... [gasps of awe]

What the hell?

[music]

It's a fine piece of workmanship,

if I do say so myself.

[chuckling smugly]

Look at that joinery.

- Why are you all...
- Emma, get up a sec.

Let them try it out.

Ooh, warm. Did you install heated seats?

[angrily] I heated it, with my seat.

It must be nice to have
such a skilled husband.

I've always thought
a gazebo would look great

- in your yard.
- Now, that's not a bad idea.

Oscar sure built you a nice swing.

Yes, he certainly did.
Anyway, if you'll excuse me now...

- Where are you going?
- In the house to get some lemonade.

Don't be rude, Emma. We have guests.

[muttering and grumbling]

I wonder if anyone
was ever m*rder*d in Mayberry.

[music]

Hey, now there's a different smell.

I thought I said to get rid of that thing.

Technically, you said
get rid of the peppermint.

I'm using different oil now.

This one has been tested
in retail environments,

and it is scientifically proven
to increase sales.

Ha! What a country crock
of far-fetched hooey.

Whoa, you got a load there, Mavis.

I do, don't I?
I only came in for some butter,

but had a sudden urge
to grab a few more items.

Really...? Can I interest you in a pair

of Happy New Year glasses?

Do those say 2006?

Yes, but if you turn them upside down,

it sort of looks like 9005.

Amortize the cost over 7,000 years.

- You're way ahead of the game.
- Sold!

For an extra two bucks,

I'll throw in a free
build-your-own-slinky kit.

- Ooh, I like the sound of free!
- You might be onto something.

You might be damn right I am.

This is no good.

We gotta figure out why you're mad at Hank.

Is it because of that time
I borrowed your g*n

without asking and brought it back empty?

No, that was weeks ago.

Or that time I smacked your bottom?

That wasn't a sexist thing.
I smacked Davis' first.

Nope, I'm over that.

Is it because of that time
Hank only smacked my bottom,

- and didn't smack yours?
- No, I was very okay with that.

Look, I don't know why
I've been snapping at you.

Whatever caused it, I'm over it now.

Great! So we're all good in the hood.

All right... feel that tension melt away.

Here you go, Karen.

One plain bagel and peppermint tea,

and Davis, Reuben sandwich
with extra pickle.

Hank, your BLT is coming right up.

- Yeah, a BLT for an S.O.B.
- Uh-oh, tension rising.

Make sure your lunch goes on your own tab,

you freeloading moocher.

- And we're back to bad in the hood.
- Suck it up, jerk-face!

[music]

Brent!

You switched peppermint
for Grandma's potpourri?

That's not what I wanted.
You said you would turn it off.

I have been advised
that technically I didn't say that,

and also, hello,
and also, I'm keeping the diffuser,

and also, goodbye.

I want you to get rid of that stink machine.

I can't. He owns the place.

- Pow!
- Sorry, Lacey, these smells have powers.

They're getting customers to buy more stuff.

Specifically my dead stock.

But it smells like you dropped a bath b*mb

in a tub of cologne.

Well, unless you want my dead stock

back in your storeroom...

How is your dead stock my prob...

[spraying] [Lacey yelping]

Stop spraying me in the face!

It's Citrus Serenade, a relaxing blend.

You were getting wound up.

How is spraying oil in my eyes
going to unwind me up?

Just give it a minute. I've felt
the calming effects myself.

Well, it's having the opposite effect on me.

I can't see.

Now my sense of smell is heightened.

[groaning]

I'm getting out of here.

Which way is the door?

This all started this morning, right?

Yeah, let's just walk it back.

Karen and I saw you at Corner Gas...

[dream harp strumming]

I stayed with the patrol car,
and Karen walked inside,

and was super friendly
when she passed you...

[smooch]

- Then what?
- I walked into Corner Gas...

[dream harp strumming]

Officer Pelly. How can we assist you

in keeping the citizens of Dog River safe?

Dill Pickle, an excellent choice.

Let me open those for you.

Save your strength
for fighting crime and injustice.

[munching]

As you were.

And then you came out and roasted Hank.

Yeah, but then...

[dream harp strumming]

Things were perfect at lunch.

You were nice to me
till Lacey brought your food,

then you bit my head off.

[sobbing]

You bit Hank's head off!
The day before our wedding!

I had the Reuben sandwich, extra pickles.

And I got a bagel and peppermint tea.

- Pickles!
- [gasping] Peppermint!

Smoked meat!

No, peppermint and pickles, dumbass.

I can't tell if that's mean Karen
or regular Karen.

There's something about
the smell of peppermint

and pickles combined
that is triggering Karen's rage.

Now that Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys

have solved the great mystery,

- can you get off my swing?
- Oh, sorry, Emma.

- It's just so nice.
- Yeah, great ride.

Ooh, pass our compliments
to Oscar on his craftsmanship.

I'll be sure to not do that.

[music]

Hmm, sure is busy today.

I think it's all the excitement
over our $10 "CD and Sunglasses" deal.

The sunglasses from 2006?

Yes, 2006 was the ten-year anniversary

of Noddy McSnoozin's
non-Grammy-nominated opus,

- Bagpipe Lullabies.
- I'll take them!

Hold on, I smell a new smell.

No need for a menu.
I'll take a large bowl of that chili.

No, you won't. This chili is to over-power

Wanda's stupid diffuser stench.

- It's for smelling purposes only.
- That's crazy talk.

You can't refuse to sell me chili!

I can refuse while you diffuse.
You're banned, mister.

No chili, no chili-cheese fries,

and definitely no chili-cheese dogs.

[horrified] No, you can't! You wouldn't!

I can, and I did. It's a shame, too,

because I even put
some cut-up hot dogs in there.

[gasping and drooling]

[hammering]

What the hell are you doing now?

I'm putting my advanced
carpentry skills to use,

and building a gazebo.

[tape retracting] [yelping]

Advanced?

You didn't build this swing,
you assembled it.

Everything was already measured,
cut, and pre-drilled.

Exactly. I absorbed a lot of knowledge,

- through mimosas.
- Osmosis?

It's too early to drink.

We can do that at the party. [chuckling]

- What party?
- Ours. To celebrate my masterpiece.

I invited everyone over
for a swing party. [chuckling]

- You didn't actually use the phrase...
- Uh... knock, knock!

Who's ready for a Rheena-Ravi roll-up?

[music]

[music]

Nate, get over here. Try our swing.

Wow, Oscar, nice work.
Emma must be so relaxed.

Oh, yeah, this is real relaxing, all right.

Oops! Flew a little too high.

Ah, don't worry about it. I'll get a cloth.

Emma! Heads up!

You're about two seconds away
from my foot going up your...

Oscar, I can't say it enough.

Real fine work you did on this swing,

but what's that thing?

[creaking]

Oh, my. What's that supposed to be?

Did you let Emma build that?

It's a gazebo. Built it myself.

Looks like a couple toddlers
cobbled that together.

Sure, it's a little rough around the edges,

but she's sturdy as a five-legged hog.

Yes, everyone, gather 'round.

Let's toast the master carpenter!

[cork popping]

[tapping lightly] [clatter]

Oops. Hog down.

Someone could have been k*lled
in that thing!

Makes me wonder how safe that swing is now.

This place is a deathtrap!
Let's get out of here!

- So, are we doing this, or...?
- No.

Doing what?

[music]

Lacey's lost her mind.

She's banned me from all chili. This is w*r.

Ah, so it's becoming a real
Skirmish of the Stinks?

The sooner we sell this dead stock,

the sooner I can get some of that chili.

Whoa... More isn't always better.

This isn't tequila.

Helen, you need this stuff. Trust me.

- Gimme your credit card.
- Calm down.

You reek of desperation.

On top of everything else.

Yes, Wanda, we get it, I stink,
but this is serious.

There's mini hot dogs in the chili!

There'll be mini fists in your face

if you don't knock this off.

Between the diffuser
and the chili con karma,

it's like aroma-geddon in here. [music]

So, it's clear it's the peppermint
and pickle smell together

that are triggering you, Karen, but why?

That's just it, I can't figure out
what Hank has to do

with the smell of pickles or peppermint.

Especially since I didn't even
brush my teeth today.

I just mean I don't smell minty.

I'll just have to accept
that if I can't remember,

I can't be angry.

Technically, you were more cruel than angry.

[pinball clacking and dinging]

[Nate] Look out, Hank!
I'm coming for your high score!

[laughing] Good luck.

I've had high score
on that machine for five years!

[gasping] That's it! I remember!

[dream harp strumming]

[pinball clacking and dinging]

Do you feel the heat, Hank?

I'm about to burn up your high score!

Yeah, good luck, Karen.
I've heard it all before,

- but who knows?
- Oh, yeah?

Just 10,000 points, and the title is mine!

What? No way! That's incred... oops.

[shattering]

[gasping]

[pinball error dinging]

- Dammit!
- Uh-oh.

Pickled eggs... and I was
chewing peppermint gum.

Now those two smells combined

remind me of you sabotaging my game.

That's why I've been so angry at you.

Way to go, Hank. You gave her PTPPD...

post-traumatic pickle peppermint disorder.

B-But it was an accident.

I was about to come over
and watch you take the title.

I would never do that
on purpose. You're my friend.

Aww, that's nice, Hank. She needs friends.

You know I just found out she has PTPPD.

I'm sorry, Hank. I feel bad.

How could I let something
as silly as pinball

get to me so much?

- Forgive me?
- Of course.

In fact, how about you let me treat you

- to a game of pinball?
- Deal.

Hey, Davis, you got any quarters?

[music]

I guess I wasn't the carpenter
everyone thought I was.

But your gazebo makes a good fire,

and who cares what they think?

This is all I wanted...

a place for you and I to just sit together

and watch the world go by.

You're one hell of an assembler. Oscar?

[snoring]

[sighing]

Now, this is relaxing.

Holy shiitake, sales were through the roof.

What's this? Spicy peace offering?

Let's just say today's sales
at The Ruby were pretty awesome,

- so I am lifting the ban, and you're...
- A genius?

I was going to say your increased traffic

brought people over to The Ruby,

so you can keep the diffuser going.

Nope. This is done.

While you two were raking it in,

I was doing all the heavy lifting.

I worked my butt off today.

- I don't come here to...
- Work?

Exactly! I'm taking my oils and going home.

Smell ya later, Diaper Pits.

Hey, you forgot your diffuser,

and you forgot to not call me Diaper Pits.

Ooh... imagine the smell of chili
in here all day?

Maybe if I put a little...

[sniffing]

Mm... I am a genius.

[splat]

- Genius says what?
- Huh?

[music]

You're really gonna do it this time!

Just a couple...

more... targets...

[grunting] Yeah!

This is so exciting.
You guys are friends again,

Karen's about to be high scorestress.

I'm going to get us some beers to celebrate.

Make mine a double!

[grunting] Oh!

- [powering down]
- What the hell?! Davis!

Well, that takes the heat off of me.

Everyone remember what
it smells like in here

so when Karen goes berserk in a few months,

we'll know why!

[sniffing]

I smell school gym bag...

[sniffing]

- And... rutabagas.
- All right, I'll get a new deodorant.

[music]

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ And it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know ♪