03x07 - Give Pizza Chants

[bunniefuu]

♪

Whoa, what happened
to you guys?

You get mugged?

I'd call the cops,
but I'm looking at him.

What you're looking at
is The Screaming Beagles,

Dog River's
new Rugby Fours team.

It's like Rugby Sevens,

but for small towns
with fewer people.

So, Fours.

Ah, it's too bad
there weren't seven of you.

Maybe you wouldn't
have gotten mugged.

There's a new league
across the prairies.

We've got our first game this
weekend against Kindersley...

The Kindersley Surprise.

They might not sound scary,

but they're actually
banned in the U.S.

We just came from practice.

And that's
when you got mugged?

Look, I don't want to tell you
how to do your job, Davis,

but you might want
to spend less time

horsing around in short pants,

and more time preserving justice.

♪ You think there's
not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby
you're so wrong ♪

Oh! Come on, Hank.

You must know that menu
like the back of your hand.

That's the problem.

I've tried everything on here
a hundred times.

And yet you've only tipped
three times,

and only twice with money.

There's nothing wrong
with giving coupons.

There is when they're
homemade coupons.

I guess somebody doesn't
want a free piggyback. Fine.

Uh...

I was just watching
Ninja Turtles,

and you know what I have
a craving for?

Let me guess.
Pizza.

No, turtle,
but pizza sounds great.

Pizza?
I'll have pizza.

I'm not serving pizza.

- It's not on the menu.
- Come on.

There's no pizza place
in Dog River.

Our only option
is to buy the frozen stuff.

- Can't we go off-menu?
- Think of the menu like the law.

People aren't allowed
to order off the menu,

the same way they're not
allowed to break laws.

What would happen if we lived
in a lawless society?

I'd have my g*n out
a lot more.

I'd be pants-less a lot more.

See? It'd be a nightmare.

That's why you order
from the menu.

All right, fine.
No pizza.

I'll have the turtle.

Hey, Brent,
did you hear the bad news?

Lanny's injured.

Don't tell me
he got mugged again.

- What is happening to this town?
- I don't know the details.

He was milking a goat,

something-something
"kicked in the head,"

and blah-blah,
he has to relearn the alphabet.

Point is, we need a replacement
for the rugby team.

What do ya say?

Rugby?
Not interested.

You can't spell "rugby"
without "rug burn."

Davis, you let me know

if there's anything more
I can do to help.

You've done enough, Emma.

You're already sewing
our names on our jerseys

- and taking in those two billets.
- Billets?

I forgot to tell you.

We're hosting
a couple rugby players.

I would never have agreed to that!

I know, that's why
I forgot to tell you.

You'll have to entertain them

- while I'm working on the jerseys.
- What am I supposed to do

- with two young, strapping...
- I'll take ten!

- There's only two left.
- Sold!

Hey, Lacey, can I borrow your...

Hey!
That's not on the menu!

[yelps]

Okay, fine.

All that talk earlier gave
me a hankering for pizza.

Well, watching you eat that is
giving me a Laceying for pizza.

- A Laceying?
- You said "Hankering."

Two can play
the name game, Lacey.

Look, this is just
a one-time thing.

I was thinking of the
regular menu the whole time.

Okay, but you have to
make one for me.

- I have to?! Or what?
- I'll tell everyone

that Lacey is making pizza
at The Ruby.

And I'll tell them I'm not.

It's my word against yours.

[camera app clicks]
[groaning]

Okay, it's my word
against your word

and irrefutable evidence.

[grumbling]

Hey, Brent,
check out this video.

Is it "Bull Chases
Bride Into Haystack?"

Seen it...
and wanna see it again.

♪ We're big and bold
and green and gold! ♪

♪ We are not me but us! ♪

♪ We fight on the bend
till the very end ♪

♪ And leave victorious! ♪

No, it's a rugby match!
Isn't it awesome?

The energy.
The intensity.

The camaraderie.
Can't you just feel it?

Hmm, it'd be better with a bull,
but it is pretty cool.

See?
I knew you'd get into it

if you just saw it in action.

Oh, I don't mean rugby.
That looks insane.

I'm talking about that chant
the crowd is singing.

- Huh?
- They're really getting into it.

- I'd love to write one of those.
- You're in luck!

We're looking for someone
to write a team chant.

Great!
I'm your guy.

Perfect!
So you're on the team.

The team?
Nuh-uh.

Yah-huh. You agreed to
write our team chant,

but we don't have a team
without a fourth player.

Ergo...
Is that the correct use of "ergo"?

I've never said it before.

Ergo, see you at practice!

Did I just get outsmarted...
by Davis?

Eeh.
That's not good for the ergo.

Is all that food for your son?

- No, he's away on a camping trip.
- Where?

I dunno, some lake?
Lake Something.

If he can't find his way home
by Monday,

then why the hell did I
shell out for that compass?

This food is for my billets.

That's so kind of you
to open your home

- and share prairie hospitality with...
- Yeah, I'm a saint.

Hey, do they sell baby oil
at the liquor store?

I gotta stop and grab
a couple of six-packs

for the couple of six-packs

that should be arriving
in about...

Uh-oh, I'm late!

You must be Mr. Leroy.
It's a pleasure to meet you.

I'm Kyle, and this is Dante.

All right, Miles and Dumpy,
let's go. Car's this way.

[tires skidding]

[muttering] Nice.
Now we're talking.

- Can't wait to see mine.
- There you are, Wanda.

Meet your new billets.
This is Vern and Gail.

- So good to meet you, dear.
- Real pleasure.

[wincing]

This is not what I ordered.

♪

Okay... don't tell anybody,

- but here's your so-called pizza.
- "So-called"?

What's wrong with KD-HD-K?

Kraft Dinner, hot dog,
and ketchup on a pizza?

I could have just made you
a pot of macaroni

and added that stuff to it.

[scoffs]
Sure, a pot of pizza.

Nice work, Wolfman Puck.

[chuckles and snorts]

Mmm.

Okay, Brent,
here's a quick overview.

If you score a try,
we get five points.

A conversion is worth two.

You're not allowed
to pass forward.

If that happens, we'll
have to form a scrum.

[giggles] Scrum...

It sounds like you're saying
"scrotum" really fast.

I'm going to add that
to my chant.

No time.
Think fast.

[grunting]

[Brent groans]
Oh, my scrum...

I'm getting a ticket?
What for?

You're half on the sidewalk.

- So give me half a ticket.
- The law's the law.

Just like Lacey said,
"the menu's the menu."

Yeah, right.

It's not always
black and white, Karen.

Sometimes
there's shades of grey,

or orange,
with ketchup.

- You're not making sense.
- Who wouldn't!

Listen, I have valuable
pizza information.

Pizza?
What do you know?

You drop the ticket,
I'll drop the info.

[humming quietly]

[yelping]

- So a menu's a menu, hey?
- Why are you so close?

I got some information
from a reliable source.

Okay, maybe not reliable, but...

- a human source.
- You're still very close to me.

I know about the pizza.

- I want in.
- No. I'm not a pizza joint.

- My kitchen isn't set up for it.
- Really, Lacey?

You'd make one for Hank
and not for me?

After all
we've been through?

Hmm, have we been
through that much?

I k*lled someone for you.

- What? Who?
- That hairy guy in your bedroom.

You called me over at 3:00 a.m.

That was a spider,
and you didn't k*ll it,

- you took it outside in a cup.
- Still...

I took care of him.

[groaning] Okay, fine,
I'll make you one pizza,

but you can't tell anyone.

[sips]

You want some more
hot water for your tea?

Not for me, thanks.
I can't have too much tea.

Gives me the dribbles.

Well, yeah, we definitely
don't want that.

Hey, I have an idea!
Let's invite your teammates over.

Kyle and Dante?

Eh, they have a different
lifestyle than us.

I'll bet they do.
I see Kyle as the sensitive one,

and Dante as
a take-charge kinda guy...

[dream harp trills]

[smooth lounge music plays]

This sponge is scratching
my sensitive skin.

I'll take charge.
I'm that kinda guy.

I gotta go.
I have a thing to do.

Actually, two things.

[door opens and closes]

Mmm...
this is heaven.

You sure you don't want
to put this on the menu?

I'm very sure,
so enjoy this one.

Lacey...
we hear you have pizza.

- Do you deliver?
- Great. Way to go, Officer Pelly.

- More like, "Officer Telly."
- I didn't tell anyone!

- I haven't even left this stool!
- It wasn't Karen.

Hank posted a pizza picture
on Snapstogram.

Ah, I figured
once I told Officer Telly,

- the secret was out.
- What the hell?!

Why am I suddenly
a blabbermouth?

Italian sausage with olives.

- I'll get a tomato and feta.
- Okay, stop!

If I have to make pizza,
I'm setting a menu.

You can have pepperoni
and mushroom or Hawaiian.

- That's it.
- I want the pizza Hank posted!

The one Karen's eating
looks good.

It is.
Pesto chicken topped with arugula

and a balsamic reduction.

[chuckling] That's not
a pizza, that's a salad!

KD-HD-K is
the only way to go.

More like "H-B-W-C."
[chuckling]

[crickets]

"Heart burn with cheese?"

[crickets]

Should there be
this many crickets

in an eating establishment?

I'd love to try the chicken.

Oh, I could go for
a mac 'n' cheese pizza.

Oh, fine. You can have either
"The Hank" or "The Karen."

That's it!

- Two large Hanks!
- Medium Karen!

[chuckles] Hear that, blabbermouth?
We're famous!

[clock ticking]

So...
you fellas play rugby?

- Yep.
- Yep.

Okay...
I'm gonna hit the hay.

You never told us
what you do.

I'm retired now, but
back in the good old days,

I ran a gas station.

You lived in the good old days?
Tell us more.

Well, there's not much to tell.

The customers would pull up,

and I'd ask them if they wanted
leaded or unleaded.

- Pencils?
- What a world.

Oh, it really was.
[music]

Back then, gas only cost


- Can you believe that?
- I'd believe anything you say.

- Wait... what's a gallon?
- A gallon is what

they used to call four litres
back in the good old days,

before the French took over.

[front door opens]

Sorry I'm late.

I apologize for leaving you
home alone with Oscar.

It must've been awful.

- Anything but!
- We're having a great time

hearing about Oscar's
extraordinary life.

[chuckling]

[laughing]

[snorting and belly laughter]

[sighing in delight]
Okay then.

I'll just be in the next
room sewing if you need me.

[knock on window]

Uh...

Wanda, what the hell
are you doing?

Thinking of you,
and how you've been

burdened with these billets
you never asked for.

I feel awful about it.

I'll gladly take them off
your hands this very...

Hey, you fellas ever seen
a polio vaccine scar?

You play polio?
Wow!

What'll it be, Helen?

- The Hank, or The Karen?
- How do I choose?

Well, do you
want to eat pizza

and still feel good
about yourself...

Or content and proudly
ashamed when you're finished?

Pizza doesn't have to be
a guilty pleasure.

It can be healthy,
with refined ingredients.

People wanna be comforted
when they eat pizza.

Uh, can I add sausage
and mushroom?

- No substitutions!
- All right.

- I'll get a Hank, then.
- Yes!

- What about you, Helen?
- Uh...

- A Karen?
- Yeah, you will!

- This is chaos!
- Like I said it would be.

It's not worth the hassle.

Starting tomorrow,
no more pizza!

Ooh.

Can I help you?

Worry about helping yourself.
We need to talk.

♪

The family is not happy.

Like, the mafia "Family?"

Oh, no, no, it's just
me, Lin, and Bu.

Honestly, I don't care either way.

Foo Mart is very pleased

with its sales
in the frozen pizza market.

We're concerned
The Ruby is going to cut

- into our profit margins.
- We strongly suggest

you shut down
your pizza operation.

"Strongly"?

[chuckles] Well,
with all due respect,

don't tell me
how to run my business.

- Miss Burrows...
- You know, if you'd waited till tomorrow,

I was gonna shut it down
because I hate it,

but now, to prove a point,
I'm gonna keep selling pizzas.

You're gonna regret this.

- Are you threatening me?
- No, I just think

you're going to wish to God
you'd never crossed us.

Ooh, this is all sounding
pretty threatening.

Oh, no, no, no,

we've just been
bingeing The Sopranos,

which is available to
stream in Canada on Crave TV.

Okay, look,
this doesn't have to get ugly.

It's not right for small business
owners to fight like this.

If you all talked
like actual grownups,

you could work this out.

- Before someone gets hurt.
- Mom...

Sorry, I'm on season six.

What?
I'm on season four!

You always do this!

♪

[Zeke] I don't understand.

- Why would I want to play rugby?
- Lots of reasons.

It would keep you
out of gangs.

Plus you'd meet
a ton of new people.

Isn't it just Davis,
Nate, and Ravi?

- I know them already.
- Do you really, though?

It also gets you
in tune with your body

in ways you never have before.
You should hear

what my left buttock
is saying to me right now.

Sounds painful.

Pain is a great reminder
that you're alive!

Also, I'm writing
the team chant.

I'll put you in it, and
immortalize you as a hero!

- I'm in!
- Oh, thank god.

- Huh?
- I-I'm just so happy

you're doing
something for you.

Now, what rhymes
with "Zeke"?

- "Freak, geek, reek... "
- Hey!

I'll keep noodlin'.

[police siren wailing]

[rings doorbell]

[gasping for breath]
You call 9-1-1?

Yeah, I forgot
your cell number.

Listen, these billets are duds.

I need to swap mine
with Oscar's.

We can't just swap the billets
for no reason.

Oh.
Well, there is a reason,

and I'll tell it to you
right now.

Vern is allergic to fun...

- gus.
- You have fungus?

No one should be staying
with you, then.

I meant fun... ky pillows.
Which are down.

Vern's allergic to down.

Also, I'm allergic to Gail.

[groaning]

But I don't wanna trade billets!

Sorry, Oscar, my hands are tied.

[sotto] That reminds me, can
I borrow a pair of handcuffs?

- What for?
- Never mind.

Anyway, let's go,
you toy boys...

I mean, two boys.

You're not gonna order
The Karen, are you?

She doesn't serve
and protect us.

She serves and protects
her salary

by giving us a bunch
of parking tickets.

Who would choose The Hank?

Hot dog with
mac 'n' cheese and ketchup?

His pizza is childish.

- He's just not ready.
- Enough!

There's a new pizza,
and it's called "The Royale."

Pepperoni, mushroom,
and green pepper.

Finally,
a pizza that isn't political.

I'll have one extra-large
"shut Hank and Karen up," please.

[chuckling awkwardly]

Make yourselves at home.

It's a casual house.

Feel free to take off
your shoes, your shirt,

whatever makes you comfortable.

That was nice of you
to help out Vern

with his down allergies.

Well, I live
to make others happy.

- Can I grab you guys a beer?
- The devil's brew?

Ooh, what's that,
a craft beer?

Or would you rather have
the hard stuff?

That's fine by me.

Oh, there's also pizza.

One of them
has macaroni on it,

- for some reason.
- I can't thank you enough

for bringing me and Kyle
into your home.

Let us know if there's
any way we can repay you.

Whoa, baby,

this is exactly how I
imagined it happening.

Oh.
That's a bit different.

- Wanda, can you lead us in prayer?
- Very different.

Okay, I'm getting the vibe

you two aren't
up for partying.

Partying?
I should say not.

- It's game day.
- Not for mama.

♪

[Brent] I present to you
the newest member

of the Dog River
Screaming Beagles!

What are you
talking about?

Zeke's going to take my place

- so I can focus on the chant.
- Zeke? No way!

He's skinny,
and he smokes...

and he's skinny!

- I'm standing right here.
- See?

I thought he was a coat rack.

Zeke would be
way better than me.

He doesn't giggle
when you say "scrum."

[giggling]

- We talked about this.
- Brent, I picked you

because you have
a low centre of gravity.

Zeke barely has any gravity.

Case closed.
I'll see you on the pitch.

Sorry for getting your hopes up.

It's okay,
I'll just join a g*ng.

Aw, I was afraid of that.

♪

What the hell?

No one's ordered
The Hank or The Karen

since Lacey put
The Royale on the menu.

Who is this
Royale person, anyway?

[together] Hey!

No one's ordering them,
so they're off the menu.

That's business.

That's it, Lacey.
You broke your promise.

I'm telling everyone
you make pizza.

Everyone already knows,
remember?

Karen blabbed?

- I never...
- It's okay, Karen.

We had a good run.

Wanna split a Royale,
whoever that is?

Sorry I called you
a blabbermouth.

Sorry I called you a weird,
childish, weirdo baby.

Truce?

Hmm?
This tastes familiar...

The Royale tastes just like
the frozen pizza from Foo Mart!

Except with a $20 mark-up!
Is it true?

Is this pizza from Foo?

All right, fine.
It's true.

[customers gasp in dismay]

[shouting angrily]

- You are so untrustworthy!
- You blackmailed me!

Now no one will order pizza,
and you only have

- yourself to blame.
- Oh, no.

You mean I'll no longer
be able to do that thing

that I never wanted to do
in the first place?!

How will I ever cope?

Whoa, she's really upset.

- Should I go talk to her?
- Absolutely.

[indistinct chatter]

Okay, remember
the three "P" s,

play hard, play smart,
and play together.

It's one "P" three times,
but still.

We ready?

I have never been
less ready for anything.

Davis, I can't do this.

[crowd chanting] ♪ We are
the Screaming Beagles ♪

♪ And all we do is try! ♪

♪ That might sound lame ♪

♪ But a try is worth five! ♪

♪ Our coach is Davis
you can quote 'im! ♪

♪ No one's got a better scrotum! ♪

♪ We are the Screaming Beagles ♪

♪ And all we do is try! ♪

[all cheering]
Whoo! Yeah!

On second thought,
you know what?

Let's get out there

and kick some Kindersley a...

[grunts] Ooh...

Nope.
Goin' home.

Trust your gut.

What do you say we hit the bar?

[laughter]

[Oscar laughing]

[hearty laughter]

What are you two
still doing here?

Kyle and Dante left
three days ago.

Has it been three days?

Honestly, it's such a blur.

[laughs] That's because
we haven't slept!

A word to the wise, Wanda,

don't get drunk
and go cow tipping with Oscar.

Or bull tipping.

[laughing]

You run pretty fast
for an old guy!

You've been
on a three-day bender?

But you're a bunch
of tea drinkers!

Oh, you mean our hot toddies?

[cups clink]

What?
I wanna hang out with you guys.

What are we doing tonight?

Sorry, we're heading home,

- with some crazy memories.
- And a few bull bites.

[laughing]

[darkly] Ha ha ha.
I'm gonna go pray

that Satan takes all your souls.

That's a pretty
dark way to end a...

[music]

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things
you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

- ♪ It's a great big place ♪
- ♪ Ooh... ♪

- ♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪
- ♪ Ooh... ♪

- ♪ And it's my happy place ♪
- ♪ I don't know ♪