03x11 - Tinsel-itis

[bunniefuu]

[music]

You're leaving early?

I gotta finish
stringing up my lights.

This'll be my biggest
Christmas display yet.

It'll make Rockefeller Center

look like
a stack of used diapers.

God bless us, every one.

Wait, I thought you said
the electricity bills

- k*lled you last year.
- They did,

but I figured out
a work-around,

so it won't
cost me anything.

- What's that you're wrapping?
- It's a gift for Lacey.

We decided to do a co-quasi
semi-business partner

Christmas present swap.

Just a small thing.
It's nothing special.

Well, I'm sure she'll like it.

As long as
it's something personal.

- Personal?
- Yeah.

Something meaningful
and unique to her,

and not just a piece of jewelry.

- You got her jewelry.
- It's not jewelry.

Is a bracelet jewelry?

♪ You think there's not a lot
goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby
you're so wrong ♪

How's it coming?

Everything ready for
the Christmas Eve party?

- Not even close.
- Good.

Wait,
not close is not good.

Better shake a leg, woman,
it's tomorrow night.

- I might call the damn thing off.
- Like hell!

That's how I feel...
like hell.

My head is pounding,
and I got chills.

Well, have some tea,
or rum,

or suck an onion.

I look forward to this party
every year.

That's because all you do is party.

I do all the prep,
all the running around,

all the cooking,
and all the cleanup.

I'm too sick to do everything.

If you don't do your share,
there's no party this year.

[music]

- Hey, Lacey, can I get a coffee?
- Sure, just help yourself.

I'm knitting
a Christmas sweater for Brent,

and I'm in a bit of a panic
to get it done.

It's December 23rd.
Doesn't give you much time.

Yeah, that's probably
what the panic is about.

I screwed up the moose
pattern on the front

and had to start over.

[static crackles on police radio]
Karen?

Davis?

[static crackling] Karen?
Can you... me?

Can I what you?

[static crackling] I said
I need to talk to you

about what we're...
Jeez, this static is terrible.

Might be the batteries
in your radio.

Or first contact
with an alien civilization.

There are billions of galaxies
in the universe,

so it makes sense there'd be
another civilization out there

wanting to make contact.

[static crackling
in time with flashes]

Or it could be something else.

- Heya.
- Nothing!

Okay, then.
Listen, I was just wondering...

- Hey, what's with the moose?
- Nothing!

Just a moose.
Regular old Christmas moose.

Christmas moose?
What's that?

You never heard of
the Christmas moose?

It's a big thing back home.
Big tradition.

The Christmas moose holiday
tradition is a thing...

in the city.

And you like this moose thing,
personally?

Big time.
Love the Christmas moose.

[clears throat awkwardly]

Hmm...

[music]

[door opens]

Hey, Hank. You ever heard
of a Christmas moose?

No.
Oh, unless you mean goose.

Do you mean goose?

You probably mean
Christmas goose.

Right, I keep forgetting
not to ask you things.

[door opens]

Oh, hey, Dad.
We're closed.

Tough turnips.

Your mother gave me
a list of crap I gotta get

for our Christmas Eve party.

I'm so sick and tired...

- You're sick?
- What?

You shouldn't be running
around if you're sick.

Want me to give you a hand?

Y-yeah... [coughs]
I'm sick as hell.

Oh, god... got the shakes,
and the sweats,

and the... the bends,

but I couldn't bear to see
Emma doing all the work.

Aw, you're
a good guy, Oscar.

Give me the list.
You rest up.

You ever heard of
Christmas moose?

Yeah. You ever heard
of Easter, Jughead?

It's moments like this
that make the holidays special.

[music]

[hammering]

That's good stuff, Hank.

When you've got
the wreath hung,

I have a couple
of other things...

[coughing pointedly]

that need doing.

- What's all the noise?
- Oh, sorry, Emma.

I don't know
how to hammer quietly.

Why are you hammering at all?

Just hanging
this wreath for Oscar.

I'm helping him
with the chores you gave him,

- 'cause he's sick.
- Oh, he is, is he?

Now, hold on, before you get...

He caught it from me.
I'm sick too. [coughs]

If you're finished
out here,

come give me a hand
with the dishes.

[slams door]

[music]

Hey, Phil, you ever hear
of a Christmas moose?

Lacey says it was
a tradition in her family.

No, never heard of it,

but every family has their own
weird holiday traditions.

In my family,
we used to take stockings,

like for feet, and hang
them on the fireplace!

- Hmm, that's not very...
- Then we'd bring a tree...

into the house!
[laughs]

- Outrageous.
- Isn't it?

I miss those traditions.

Wait, that's it!
Lacey is away from her family,

so she's missing all her old
Christmas traditions,

like her moose thing
or whatever.

I'm going to find out

what other traditions
she grew up with,

so I can give her a Christmas
like she remembers.

That's a personal,
unique gift, right?

...and then we'd make
a drink out of raw eggs!

[laughs fondly]

Thanks, Phil.

You've been
inadvertently helpful.

["Deck the Halls" playing]

[music]

Bad news, Wanda.
Your Christmas light display

is causing interference
with our radios.

Good news, World w*r
II is over, and we won.

You can put
your walkie-talkies away

- and use your phones.
- This is serious.

We have a job to do,

and you can't be interfering
with our equipment.

This is way too many
lights anyway.

The electric bill must be huge.

It was, but I rigged up my own grid box

that amplifies a direct current using

semi-coil conductivity running parallel

with an aggregated
magnetization panel.

So... there's no IQ test
to be a cop?

They just give a g*n to anybody?
Hmm.

[circuits surge]

[static crackling on radio]

[scoffs]
Well, there's the problem.

- Hey!
- Thanks for understanding.

Are you kidding me?!

Thanks a lot, Sergeant Scrooge
and Officer Grinch!

The cops hate Christmas!

Pass it on, everybody,
the cops hate Christmas!

We don't hate Christmas.

- We love Christmas!
- Yeah! Probably more than you!

[car doors slam shut]

[quietly] Oh,
you love Christmas, do ya?

Well, we'll just see
how much you love it.

Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

[music]

[cell phone rings]

[groggily] Hmm?
Huh?



What?
Hank, is that you?

Oh.
Hey... Hey, Emma.

Yeah, you got caught up in
the tail end of a dream there.

A platypus was trying
to sell me some rockets,

but the floor of my castle
was already melting.

Listen, I have
some last-minute things

that you need to get done
for our party tonight.

Me?
But it's Christmas Eve.

Yeah.
It's a Christmas Eve party.

But I have a bunch
of my own stuff to do.

My lights aren't up,
I still need a tree...

[coughing dramatically]
Don't bother him, Emma.

I'll do it.
Just help me up.

I-I fell down again
from the dizziness.

I can't lift you, Oscar,
my spleen is swollen.

[coughing]

Your spleen?
Just push it back in.

I'll be right over.

- What the hell?
- When did this happen?

Early this morning!

I know how much you guys
love Christmas.

More than anyone, probably!

So I figured this would be
a nice holiday surprise.

- You can't do this.
- That's what I thought, too,

but it was actually super easy.

A couple of cans
of spray adhesive,

a dozen boxes of tinsel...

- How are we supposed to...
- You're welcome!

Merry Christmas,
Christmas lovers! [cackles]

- [mumbling helplessly]
- How do we...?

How's Brent's
sweater coming?

I'm in the home stretch now.

It's really starting
to take shape.

And you're sure you got
all his measurements right?

Measurements?

I never even thought
about measurements.

I was just going from
the standard pattern.

Brent's body isn't
what you'd call "standard."

Oh, no. How am I gonna
get his measurements

without tipping what I'm doing?

- Merry Christmas Eve morning.
- Hi! Yeah.

- I was just, um... waffles?
- Cool. Um, so, listen,

I was just thinking,
for no reason,

about what other
holiday traditions

your family maybe had.
Just a casual thought,

sparked for no reason
by what you said yesterday.

Oh, and what
did I say yesterday?

- About the Christmas moose.
- Oh! [laughs]

Yes.
The moose.

The Christmas moose tradition.

It was a big thing, uh...
in the city.

We'd see who could lure
the biggest moose, um,

into the downtown core,

and the largest would be
crowned Christmas Moose.

Wow, that...

A lot could go sideways
in that scenario.

One year, we had a moose
whose antlers were wider

than you could probably
stretch your arms out.

Stretch your arms out.

Yeah.
Way bigger than that.

Well, no human could reach
across a whole moose.

- How high can you reach?
- Maybe half a moose.

No, no, this has to do
with the ceremonial...

you know, the changing
of the lightbulbs?

From white bulbs to red.
Christmas red.

Someone would reach up and...

- How high can you reach?
- Red lights, eh?

Okay, the wine is mulled,
the potatoes are peeled,

the stuffing is prepped.
Anything else?

Well, if the stuffing's prepped,

- you should probably...
- Really?

You want me
to stuff the turkey, too?

What. You don't expect us
to handle raw poultry

when we're already swarming

with God knows what kind
of bacterial mega-virus.

Our immune systems are teetering

on the brink of a total
E. coli vortex.

Oh no! I heard about that
on the Weather Channel.

Uh, I-I guess
my Christmas can wait.

[music]

Maybe have to wait
until next Christmas.

[music]

It's hard to get respect as a cop

when your car looks like a...

- I'm gonna say flapper dress.
- I was gonna say disco wig.

Ooh, Donna Summer.
Hubba hubba.

Maybe we should get
a hair dryer,

melt the glue
and blow off the tinsel.

Or we could take this baby
out on the highway,

and let nature do the blowing.
Hit the siren, rookie.

["Good King Wenceslas"
plays from siren speaker]

[flicking switch]

- I think the siren's frozen.
- That's a Christmas song.

It won't stop.
How did this happen?

[brakes screech]

- Wanda happened.
- She's everywhere!

She's like an elf on the shelf,

only on the sidewalk,
and smaller.

I see you discovered my gift.

- How do you shut it off?
- I can't hear you!

I can only assume
you're thanking me.

You're welcome, and Joyeux
Noel, Christmas lovers!

Boy, those two sure
love Christmas, huh?

[music]

Why the puzzled look?

Huh? Oh, I'm just
reviewing a list I made

for Lacey's Christmas gift.

Uh, not sure where
you're going with this.

Lacey grew up with some
weird Christmas traditions.

We had some doozies
in our family, too.

When I was a kid, we used
to put food out for Santa.

Now, Santa was a magical
northern wizard who...

I know who Santa is!
What do you people...

This is just a partial list.

I need more info, but
how do I talk to Lacey

about her traditions without
her getting suspicious?

[footsteps approach]

Brent...
I just realized

there were some other
Christmas traditions

I forgot to tell you about.

Oh, that worked out really...

Do you know about
the chimney

- and the reindeer?
- Thank you, Fitzy.

- You were saying?
- I forgot to mention the moose call.

- A moose calls you?
- No.

When we tried to lure
the moose into the city,

we'd use a moose call.

That makes sense, right?

Not "sense," necessarily,
but if you...

[bellows a moose call]

Jeez!

- Why don't you try?
- O-Okay.

Barroo...

[choking]

You need to tighten
your throat more.

Wow, you have a big neck.

That's about
three hand lengths?

Barroo...

Whoa, whoa!
What are you...?

I was just thinking
that you're about

the same size around
as, uh...

the watermelon...
we decorate.

We wrap it in lights
and put stickers on it,

- and, uh, glitter?
- "Glitter melon."

- What?
- I was just saying,

I'm, uh, I'm gonna
go close up early.

I have to get ready

for Mom and Dad's
Christmas Eve party,

and I have a lot to do
before then.

- [chuckling] Yes.
- I also have a lot...

of cafe-related things
to do as well, mm-hmm.

Maybe we can call a truce.

We have no leverage to negotiate.

- What does Wanda want?
- All she wants

is to turn on her light
display without going broke.

We just give back
her power-saving gizmo.

Then she'll leave us alone.

Because she'll have
her lights back on.

Wanda,
we brought back your...

What the hell?

["Deck the Halls" playing]

Her lights are already back on.

- Now what?
- Now we're Scrooged.

[music]

She turned her lights back on.

Do you know
what this means?

Yes, but...
I want you to say it.

We've lost our leverage
with Wanda.

Right.
Wait, why is that power cord

running away from her house?

You mess with
our walkie talkies,

you festively
sabotage our car,

and now you steal power
from the town!

I got desperate, okay?

I mean, what's Christmas
without twinkly lights?

I'm sorry about the tinsel,
and the caroling siren,

and the nog bombs.

- I just wanted...
- Wait, nog bombs?

They didn't go off?

[timer beeping]
[muffled splat]

Huh, my watch must be fast.

Congratulations, Wanda.

You're getting yourself
a big fat Christmas ticket.

Well, nice work, Sergeant
Krampus and Officer...

Old Man Potter
from "It's a Wonderful Life"...

if he was a cop!

I'm taking all my lights down!
You happy now?

["Good King Wenceslas" playing
tinnily from siren speaker]

[squeaking]

[engine starts, car drives away]

What are you grinning at?

Everything's almost ready,

but I feel like
I'm forgetting something.

Just come and have
a rum and eggnog, huh?

We'll sit by the tree, and...

Holy Hanukkah!
We don't have a tree!

So long, Nick.
Maybe next year.

Leaky Santa? I got a
patch kit in the glove box.

He's not leaking.

He's been decommissioned
by fascists.

- Now Christmas sucks.
- Christmas doesn't suck.

Sure, it can be tough sometimes.

Take Oscar and Emma.

I had to do all their prep work
for their party,

and they're too sick to do it.

Anyway, I better get going.
I barely have time

to get my own tree
and decorations up.

[cell phone rings]

[groans]
Hank talkin'.

Hank, is that you?
I'm so weak.

- Oscar? What's wrong?
- It's Emma.

[coughs dramatically]

In her fevered state,
she forgot to get a tree.

- Sure, blame me.
- What?

I said, I blame me,
and my fever.

[coughs dramatically]

So I guess we'll just
do without one this year.

Wait!
I happen to have a tree

with me right now.
I'll be right over.

You're giving them your tree?
What about your Christmas?

Ah, the holidays are more
than trees and lights.

They're about helping people.

You're a better person than I am.
If that was me,

I'd tell 'em
to cram a candy cane

- and kiss my chocolate orange.
- That's the spirit.

Merry Christmas, Wanda.

What a sap.
A sweet, stupid sap.

[music]

Well, I appreciate being
invited over for a drink

before your parents' party,

but why do I have to keep
my eyes closed?

You'll see.
Just come in a little further...

and open!

[yelps in fright]

[blows vuvuzela horn]
[yelps again]

Sorry, I can't do
a proper moose call,

so I had to improvise.

- Wh-what is all of this?
- This is your present!

I tricked you into
answering questions

about your holiday traditions,

and then cleverly wove them

into this personalized gift,

and also the Christmas
watermelon.

Won didn't have
any melons,

so I spray-painted a pumpkin.

- I see. Um...
- But the hat rack lamp

is authentic antlers and bones.

Gus hit a moose
on the highway last night.

It's a Christmas miracle!

[laughing]

- What's so funny?
- First of all,

I cunningly made up these
traditions to measure you

so I could make you this gift.

The only Christmas moose
is the one on this sweater,

which I knitted for ya,
all by myself.

Wait a minute,
you lied to me,

while I was
just fibbing to you?

Oh, shut up and try it on.

Oh...

Are you sure
you measured me,

and not someone else?
Like, from a circus?

All right, it needs
a few adjustments,

and the moose kinda
got away from me.

It sort of
looks like a moose.

Moose-slash-Satan.

It-it's probably
just the red lights.

Yeah, well, the red lights

aren't doing your lamp
rack any favours either.

You're right.

Ah, I'm sorry.
I just really wanted

to give you something
personal this year.

Aw... I wanted to do
that for you, too.

Well, look, we both tried,

and we both fell a bit short,

- so we're good, right?
- Agreed.

Now, how about a drink?

I made a batch
of pumpkin-spiced rum.

Oh, yeah, well,

you know, I think
I'm just gonna have wine.

Wanda?
What are you doing at my place?

I came over here to do this.

Brace yourself.

[rag squeaks]

Ugh.

This car's gonna smell
like rotten nog forever.

Not on my watch.
Behold...

the festive freshener.

- Merry Christmas, partner.
- Merry Christmas.

Wow, that's really
getting bright.

No, that's coming from outside.

Oh, no.
Probably aliens.

[Christmas carols playing]

[Hank] Whoa!
You did this?

- For me?
- Remember how I told you

you're a better person
than I am?

Guess you're not.
Suck it, Yarbo!

[chuckles]

- And Merry Christmas.
- This is amazing!

Surfing Santa,
and a Christmas flamingo,

and a disco ball, and...

- Uh, I'm not sure what that is.
- It's a tangle.

I didn't have a lot of time.

Nice lights, Hank.
I bet they're enjoying this

on the International
Space Station.

Oh, it's so pretty.
What's that bundle of lights?

- It's a Christmas tumbleweed, okay?
- A what?

You've never heard of
the Christmas tumbleweed?

It's a country thing.

["Good King Wenceslas"
police siren approaching]

Cheese it! The cops.
You never saw me.

[cell phone rings]

- Feliz Navidad, Dad.
- Fleece yourself, jackass!

Where the hell are you?

And where's everyone else?

- The party's ready to go.
- It is?

Hank told Wanda
you guys were sick,

so Wanda arranged to have
the party at Hank's place.

But we have
everything ready here!

This is the best party of the year.

[sarcastically]
Oh, thanks a lot, Hank!

- [innocently] You're welcome.
- Rest up and get well soon.

[Oscar] But we...
[beeping off phone]

Warms your heart, doesn't it?

[music]

[murmur of conversations]

[doorbell rings]

Merry Christmas!

Turns out we're feeling better.

Must've been one of
those 12-hour bugs.

Anyway, we brought some food.

Oh, that's great.
You can set it up in the kitchen.

We have to set it up?

You said you were
feeling better, right?

- Uh, what's this?
- I feel bad

for the nightmare
moose rack gift,

so I figured
I'd give you the present

I originally planned
on giving you.

[gasps]
[groans]

You're angry.
I get it.

Jewelry is such an impersonal gift.

[sighs] I love it!
Aw, you big dumb jerk.

You're welcome, and I'm sorry?
What's happening?

Okay, when we both
exchanged crappy gifts,

we were even.

Then you go and give me
something great?

Thanks a lot, Brent.
Merry stinkin' Christmas.

I don't know why
you just didn't

give her the bracelet
in the first place.

Why don't you stop talking
until the New Year?

[music]

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things
you don't know ♪

[xylophone accompanies
with "Jingle Bells"]

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

- ♪ Have a holiday moose ♪
- ♪ Fa-la-la-la... ♪

- ♪ Some glitter pumpkin juice ♪
- ♪ Fa-la-la-la... ♪

- ♪ We love all of youse ♪
- ♪ This I know ♪