05x01 - Cable Excess

[bunniefuu]

Hey,

you ever noticed how it's like The Beachcombers around here?

Yeah, if you replace the ocean with no ocean at all,

the similarities are eerie.

No, no, no, think about it.

Uh, The Ruby is Molly's.

So Lacey's Molly? She's gonna love that.

And I could be Relic.

You could be the deadwood that gets hauled off at the start.

You think The Beachcombers was the best Canadian TV show of all time?

I always kinda liked Street Legal .

Street Legal sucked!

Okay, he should be Relic.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

Darn it!

Did you just say "Darn it"?

What are you, one of the Brady Bunch?

I thought we were the Beachcombers.

It's a cable van.

Those jerks are comin' to disconnect my cable.

Ooh, this is a tough call for me.

Whose side should I be on?

I mean, generally I dislike the cable companies,

but, specifically, I dislike Hank.

It's better to be specific.

Fill it up? Please.

How about I do it next Tuesday, sometime between and ?

[chuckles] That's a good one.

Uh, I'm not a repairman, though.

I'm a, uh, production technician.

Oh. So installing, uninstalling?

Uh, no. Someone complained that Dog River wasn't getting

local access programming, so I'm here to help produce some.

Someone from Dog River complained we weren't

getting enough local access shows?

OSCAR: Why are there no shows about Dog River,

on this stupid channel?

I believe we're talking with Oscar Leroy.

Oscar, I've told you before.

Your question has to be about pets.

Why is this stupid pet show on?

I hope you get a good welcome here.

People don't always like the cable companies.

I don't think they really dislike us.

Well, you'd have a better sense of it than me.

Hank, when are you gonna pay for the eggs I gave you?

You cut off my cable, you get egged.

I'm gonna to cut you off if you don't pay your tab.

Oh, yeah?

Well, don't be surprised if you get egged.

Hey, can I borrow some more eggs?

This the van that was egged?

If I had to guess.

I want whoever did this caught.

Yeah? Maybe we can do it Tuesday, between and ?

Good one.

Look, I don't want any trouble here.

I-I'm just here to put some local people on TV.

We'll get on this right away.

Ah, here's what we got so far.

It's called Dog River Crimestoppers.

Sounds okay.

I think as senior officer, I should probably

be the one on camera describing the crime?

Makes sense.

It's just that I have this commanding presence

and I really think-- I'm fine with it.

I wish you wouldn't make a big deal out of this.

Davis, you can be the one on TV.

Fine. But I'm not diggin' your passive aggressiveness.

So what kinda show does this guy want?

Oh, it could be anything. It's cable access.

A knitting show, a cooking show,

a-a knitting show.

Back home on our cable station they used to put

this video of a burning fire log on every winter.

A log?

That was the show?

Yeah.

Oh, it was just burning.

It was very soothing.

WOMAN: Turn that stupid log off, Lacey.

You've been watching it all day.

MAN: Leave it on. At least she's keeping quiet.

EMMA: Sounds boring.

What about a knitting show?

Okay, you gotta let that go.

What about a talk show, the three of us?

Okay, now that is a great idea.

Three generations of Dog River women.

What do you mean three generations?

I did--well, I-I just meant that--

She meant we've all lived here for different amounts of time.

Right?

You read my mind.

Okay, what kind of talk show?

Well, I've always kinda liked The View .

We could do something like that.

Mm-hmm.

We can call it, um...

The View.

That's a good name.

Nah, nah.

I think the people at The View might have something to say about that.

[scoffs] Like I'm afraid of The View .

I'll get on it right away.

Linda, I have to sue someplace called... Sakatchejam.

It's in Canada or Minnesota or somethin'.

Look it up and get them on the phone.

[phone ringing]

Ignore that.

We can come up with the title later.

Hey, Brent,

I gotta confess something.

Do you really?

I egged the cable van.

So what is it with you and egging things?

Why reinvent the wheel?

You know, now-now I feel guilty.

I found out he's not here to cut off my cable.

I feel my heart pounding, and he's gonna hear it.

It's gonna be like one of them tell-tale hearts,

you know, like in that Edgar Allan Poe story,

uh, what's it's called?

The Tell-Tale Heart?

No, I don't-- I don't think so.

Yeah, you're right. I just made that name up.

I don't know, Hank, you might get away with it.

Fat chance.

Cable guys know everything.

I don't know about that.

But it could work, right?

Different views, engaging viewpoints.

And, it's local access, so we could call it The View.

Oh, we will sue them.

I just can't find the place.

It sounds like a fine show, but I'm not the person who makes these things happen.

I'm just here to supply the equipment.

Well, who decides what show gets made?

Well, the person who made the complaint.

So what do you think?

I don't know. Where's the gotcha?

Where's the water cooler?

Maybe if you had an ostrich.

You don't talk about it, it's just there.

Ostrich.

Think about it.

Can I get some take-out coffee, please?

Yeah.

How about sometime between and next Tuesday?

Yeah, that's a good one.

Yeah. I have a pretty unique sense of humour, so.

Okay. Well, I'll get you your coffee.

We pitched Oscar the Crimestoppers show

and he wanted us to put an ostrich in.

Maybe we could have been more flexible about that,

or at least considered some kinda large bird.

He wanted us to do the same thing with our show.

And then he said we should be wearing roller skates.

I'll get rid of Oscar.

I can't believe you let the cable company trick you like this.

You're doing all the work for free.

They think they can trick me?

You shouldn't have to deal with us.

You have your own show ideas.

I bet they think they can trick me!

Let them find somebody else to trick.

'Cause they're not gonna trick me!

You tryin' to trick me?

No. I just need a point person,

someone to represent the community.

Just don't add any dumb ideas.

Karen, be flexible.

I'm sure Brent has a lot of good ideas.

Karen's right. No dumb ideas.

I just listen to their yap, yap, yap and let 'em do their dopey shows?

I can do that for ya.

You can all relax. I won't play favourites.

You'll each get to make your show.

Uh, actually, just one show.

And-and you have to pick which one gets made.

can really make this work.

Cheers.

Totally unreasonable!

You wanted to ruin this from the start!

You're both out of your minds!

I'm doing my own show!

So am I! So am I!

Hey, I need to talk to you.

Uh, I-I have a friend who egged the cable van.

I knew it!

I knew someone in town egged a cable van.

They tried to pin it on me.

Gave me a pretty good goin' over.

Did you egg a cable van?

Today? No.

Okay. Thanks.

I don't wanna go through that again.

I-I need somebody to talk to.

Yeah? Well, good luck finding somebody who gives a crap.

We have another caller.

HANK: Yeah, I-I got this friend who egged a cable van.

We only take questions about pets.

I have this pet who egged a cable van.

Hey, Brent.

I just wanted to be the first to tell ya that, uh,

we're not doin' a show together anymore.

So, if you want the rest of the day off,

I could cover for ya.

Great. Okay, thanks.

I'll just finish this chili cheese dog Lacey brought over for me.

Then I'll go to my mom's. She washed and folded my laundry for me.

But, hey, thanks for being the first to tell me about the show thing.

Do you think free laundry, chili cheese dogs,

and taking time off is really gonna help?

Au contraire.

And I don't say that lightly, or with a decent accent.

I think it could help a lot.

It's just puttin' off the inevitable.

You gotta face your problems head on and--wha?

You never saw me.

Hey, Brent, have you seen Hank?

I was told I haven't.

What's that mean?

Hey, don't hassle the man, Karen, the man who's gonna

pick the show that gets produced. Okay?

Sorry for the trouble, sir.

Okay. But you keep that lunatic away from me.

Good work, Officer Suck-Up.

You gotta be nicer to Brent. I'm nice enough.

Do you have to have your top button done up when you talk to him?

What are you saying?

I'm just saying, would it k*ll you to flirt with him?

Um, yeah.

Let's just find Hank and get this over with.

At least take your hat off and let your hair down.

So, you know the log?

Was that fire real, or was it added digitally?

Oh, it's real.

But here's the crazy thing about that log.

It was sh*t in July.

Oh, wow.

You know a lot about TV.

Do you have any suggestions for a talk show?

Well, opinion's good, um, a strong point of view.

Have you ever seen Coach's Corner?

Don Cherry. Sure.

Like Don Cherry.

Kind of loveable, but, uh, uh, gruff and cranky.

Who wants to listen to somebody spouting off?

Yeah. That's crappy.

What do you know about TV?

You come here, try and trick people,

and then you don't even know what's goin' on.

Hire talented people and let them loose with it,

let them have fun with it.

It's about telling stories,

not resorting to the lowest common denominator

to draw people in with their stupid rants and opinions!

I think Karen and Davis are on to me.

Yeah, you'd better hide out in here.

They'd never think to look in the bar.

It's like I got no way out,

like that movie with, uh, Kevin Costner?

No Way Out?

Dances With Wolves.

You know, he's trapped, he's gotta protect Whitney Houston,

but he's fallen in love with her?

He had no way out, like me.

Right.

Like that movie, Running Out of Patience , starring me.

What are you doin' here?

Don't tell Emma, but I've got a proposition for you.

Hey. Emma and I sometimes fight,

but I take my marriage vows seriously.

Not that.

Oh, God, not that!

I wanted you to be in my show.

Why would I be in your show? I can be in my own show.

Because a good show needs a likeable person and a cranky one.

And what are you gonna be cranky about?,

What's going on here?

Nothing.

I wasn't trying--

I wasn't even--

You're outta your mind.

What was that about?

Wanda wanted me to be in her show because I'm so damn likeable.

You have no chemistry with her.

You should do a show with someone you obviously have chemistry with.

Sure. But why would I do a show with Lacey?

Hey, Hank.

Karen and Davis are lookin' for ya.

Jeez, they're like a couple a bloodhounds.

I gotta get outta town.

I'll see ya in a couple weeks when this blows over. Okay.

Hank, we need to talk.

Oh. Hmm.

So we put two and two together and thought

that you would perfect to star in our Crimestoppers video.

Playin' the criminal.

In the re-enactment of the crime.

I'll be the on-air spokesperson.

Hey, Brent.

Just wanted to apologize for yesterday,

trying to manipulate you into picking my show.

No problem.

Okay, now I want to apologize

for that insincere apology just now.

No problem.

Hey, Brent, do you mind if we sh**t our TV thing in your parking lot?

No, go ahead.

Strong decision, Brent.

Gutsy.

Oh, I don't mean, uh, guts like you have a big gut.

I mean-I meant, uh, uh, lotsa guts,

but not lots like a big gut.

Have you lost weight?

Karen, maybe now's a good time to--

You can take your pants off if you want to.

But just leave me out of it.

Ooo, it's getting hot in here.

Just, uh, let me know if there's anything I can do for ya, Brent.

So do I at least get points for not creeping you out?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Oscar.

So listen, I have an idea.

Why don't you and I team up together and do a show?

It could be fun.

No.

Oh, come on, think about it. I could make it worth your while.

Lacey, chemistry or no chemistry,

I'm happily married.

Oh, no. No.

Oscar, that is not what I meant.

And just for the record,

that's never going to be what I meant, ever.

Just to be clear, never, ever.

What's goin' on?

I'm not sure.

Getting mixed signals.

Hey, thanks for the chili cheese dog.

Oh. Yeah, I wanted to apologize for that.

I know you have a lot on your plate.

Okay, I know. I eat too much, I have a bit of a gut.

What? Oh, Brent, you listen like your dad.

I don't think you have a gut.

You comin' onto me?

I'm Sergeant Davis Quinton.

And welcome to Dog River Crimestoppers.

We're asking for your assistance in the solving of a crime.

Take a look at this dramatic re-enactment.

Okay, go Hank!

Okay, come on, put the camera on me.

Thanks for agreeing to meet with me.

What I wanted to say is,

what's the big deal about a cable access show?

Last week you couldn't have cared less.

You guys have been fighting and arguing so much,

you haven't even figured out what the show's gonna be.

Look, TV is hard, from what I've read,

and seen on TV when people talk about how hard it is.

So what do you say?

Can ya find a way to work this out, please?

I'm asking as someone who deeply didn't even want to

get involved in the first place.

Think about it.

I'm a little embarrassed.

Me too.

Yeah.

Brent really has no clue.

He can't handle talent.

You're both goin' down.

He's pickin' my show.

You're outta your mind.

Okay, Hank, I think we got it.

Yeah, that felt pretty good.

I can do better, though.

Come on, put the camera on me.

Just let me get the egging.

Put the camera on me now, and that's an order, rookie.

I've been a cop for five years.

I meant rookie cameraman.

KAREN: Do it yourself, then.

DAVIS: Come on, Karen. Karen!

I'll keep practicin'.

Hi, there.

I'm Lacey Burrows.

I'm Wanda Dollard.

Hello.

I'm Emma Leroy.

Welcome to A View From Dog River.

The View, Dog River Style.

A Dog River Point of View.

And the show would be about me talking, uh--

Sort of me talking to people.

Things that have a Dog River angle.

And guests.

There'd be some questions.

I'd make it sort of interesting.

Don't have any for this presentation.

Um...

There could even be an ostrich.

Riding around on an ostrich.

And something ostrichy, I was thinking.

Okay, so none of those.

It's like they didn't even try.

Maybe if they had all have been on one show.

I don't know.

My dad made this one.

God help us.

Hi. I'm Oscar Leroy, and my show is called

Not Peggy's Stupid Pets.

BRENT: So what's your show about?

Well, I'll tell ya what it's not about.

It's not about Peggy and it's not about pets,

and it's not stupid.

Got that, Jackass?

I don't think that the Comedy Network would air these.

[splat]

What was that?

Oh, hey, I didn't know you were in there.

Heh, just, uh, just practicing in case of re-sh**t.

Well, I guess all's well that ends well. Yeah.

Hey, that reminds me of that Shakespeare play, um--

Meatballs?

Yeah, somethin' like that.

Is it on yet? Not yet.

Pipe down, everyone. I can't see what I'm watchin.

I wish Brent told us which one he picked.

I think he wanted it to be a surprise.

I think he was too chicken to say.

Whatever he chose, I, for one, will respect his opinion.

I sent him a bottle of wine as a thank you for his hard work.

Oh, I think this is it. Everyone put a sock in it.

ANNOUNCER: And now, Cable Sask presents A View From Dog River.

It's one of ours.

What the hell is this?

Is it yours? It sure ain't mine.

Okay, this is just stupid.

I don't know. It's kinda soothing.

Yeah, peaceful.

LACEY: Well, it's no fire log, that's for sure.

EVERYONE:[in unison] Be quiet!

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪