05x03 - Whiner Takes All

[bunniefuu]

Make sure your shoulders line up or you'll slice it into the chips.

Yeah, I'm trying to avoid the soda hazard.

Okay, keep your head down, shoulders straight.

Now relax.

HANK: Hey, what's goin' on?

Oh-ho-ho, man.

Don't tell me you're takin' tips from him?

He's got loseritis. I b*at him every time.

And what would your advice be?

Not to listen to Loserzilla.

If he were a super hero, he'd be Loserman

and his super power would be losing.

Clev-er.

If he were a rock concert, he'd be Loserpalooza

or, uh, Lallapaloser.

No, no, Loserpalloser. Hah?

What? I don't see you comin' up with any.

Well, why would I-- Loser say what?

[mumbling] What?

I think he said "Losersayswhat?"

What?

Anyway, I think you guys get my point.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

I can't spend another night in this bed.

Hey, you're the one that made the bean salad.

No. This mattress is like a brick.

I think we should go shopping for a new bed.

Well, I'm not goin'. Remember what happened last time?

Help! Emma!

Should I help him?

He'll take ya down with him.

You're right. I'll go alone.

See ya later, losers.

HANK: Whoo-hoo-ooo!

Is Hank always this cocky when it comes to golf?

Yeah. I'm kinda used to it,

because I've been letting him win for years.

I would appreciate it if you did too.

What, let him win? Why would I do that?

There's only one thing worse than Hank calling you a loser,

and that's Hank being a loser.

Well, specifically at golf.

When Hank loses, he starts to whine and it's terrible.

Actually, terrible doesn't even do it justice.

It's hellatious.

I am not losing on purpose.

I've heard Hank whine.

You've never heard his golf whine. It's like--

[high-pitched continuous whine]

[whining continues]

Okay. I get it.

Actually, I don't think you do. It's like--

[high-pitched continuous whine]

[shrieking]

Okay, that last one was more of a shriek.

But you get my drift.

Hey, Davis.

What ya doin', writin' in your diary?

I don't have a diary. I have a journal.

And that's a totally different thing,

even though it has a lock on it like a diary.

But it's a journal.

Okay?

So who's gettin' the ticket?

Sorry, but you're in violation.

What? This is angle parking.

I parked it at an angle.

DAVIS: Don't think I don't appreciate the effort.

Hi. I'm Lloyd. Can I help you?

Yes. I'm looking for a bed that won't turn my back into a pretzel.

[laughs]

Wow. Attractive and a great sense of humour.

How about this one?

It's a Deluxe Dual Slumbermatic with over

positions and a Soothopedic mattress.

It's the Cadillac of beds.

Unfortunately I've got a hatchback for a husband.

Well, he is lucky to have an exotic European-looking

model such as yourself.

Do you think all this flirting and flattery works?

Not with a smart, attractive woman like you.

When can you deliver it?

Come on.

You don't really wanna give me a ticket. Hm?

Whadaya say I buy ya lunch, huh?

You can tell me more about your, um, journal.

Thanks for lunch.

Mm-hmm.

How come ya bought Davis lunch? Ya never buy me lunch.

If you had the power to give me parking tickets, I'd buy your lunch too.

Actually, if it was you, I'd probably just pay the ticket.

Oh, I see what you're doin',

greasing some pockets, lining the pole.

You know, you can mangle your metaphors all you want.

But a bribe is a bribe and I think it's shifty and underhanded.

The world's a dirty place, Lacey.

Things happen, things you don't want to know about.

Money changes hands, people look the other way,

cats go missing.

I don't totally agree with Tony Soprano here, but, um...

what's the harm in keepin' their bellies full

and their heads empty?

[both laugh]

Cops are so stupid.

What do you think, Karen?

I don't know about stupid.

But, uh, their hearing's pretty good.

Ooo, lucky sh*t, hey, Hank?

Maybe we should call her Lucky Lacey.

Hey, luck had nothin' to do with that.

You know what I like to call her? Loser Lacey?

Maybe.

No.

Let me just show ya how this is done.

Wow! Excellent sh*t, Hank!

I'm just trying to encourage him, you know, to avoid the--

[knocking] [high-pitched whine]

Okay, I get it.

So, why did Wanda buy you lunch yesterday?

I lost a bet.

Really? What bet?

She bet me that if she bought me lunch

I wouldn't give her a parking ticket.

That's bribery.

Everyone's laughing about it at The Ruby.

Yeah? Well, the joke's on them, 'cause I got a free lunch.

Who's laughin' now?

Not me.

Let me explain it to you again.

Wow. I'm havin' a pretty good game today, huh?

A little too good.

Oh, you're just upset because you're afraid I might win.

Hey, Hank.

Can you see the scorecard?

Or maybe you need a little loser eye surgery. [laughs]

It's pronounced laser.

OSCAR: Emma! Where are ya?

Check it out.

How are ya doin' that?

With a remote.

I thought it only changed channels.

No, a remote for the bed. I know that.

This bed has too many doodads.

Look at all these doodads.

What's that doodad do?

Mother of pearl! It's vibrating!

Oh, whoa!

What's the problem? This angle is perfect.

I used a protractor.

Loose hubcap. It could fly off while you're driving,

take someone's head clean off.

Does that happen a lot?

Ffffft!

Anyway, big ticket.

You know, you and I never get a chance to talk that much anymore.

Why don't you buy me breakfast tomorrow

and we can talk about it?

Actually, why don't I buy you breakfast tomorrow and--

Oh. Well, all right then.

Please miss the sh*t, please miss the sh*t, please miss the sh*t.

Do you believe this guy?

Please miss the sh*t, please miss the sh*t, please miss the sh*t.

[loud fake cough]

What did you do that for?

Believe me, I'm saving you from yourself.

Oh-ho-ho!

It's like my old granddaddy used to say,

that there's two kinds of people in this world,

losers and those who lose to losers.

And my friends, you just lost to me.

I think we're gonna spend a lot of wonderful nights in this bed.

We sure are, you sexy thing.

Oh!

That was quite a ride.

I didn't sleep very well at all.

Did you try position ?

This bed has too many gizmos and gadgets.

Doodads. But I hear ya.

So, what would you like for breakfast, Lloyd? Hm?

Who's Lloyd?

What?

I said Oscar. What did ya think I said?

I thought you said Lloyd. Lloyd? Who the heck is Lloyd?

I dunno. Well, then, why did ya ask?

Geez, what a grouch. Hey, let's have eggs in bed.

And don't bother scramblin' them.

We'll get the bed to do it.

So, we're all squared up.

Yep. I'm full, you paid for my breakfast,

and here's your parking ticket.

What? I thought we had an understanding.

Yeah. You think cops are stupid and I don't.

Of course you don't think you're stupid.

You're too stupid to know who's stupid.

What was that? What, are ya deaf too?

Uh, nothing.

[thinking] Dear Slumbermatic Bed People:

I have been having the best sleeps because of your bed.

I'm sure I'm not alone in saying this,

but setting is my favourite.

[knocking] Come in.

Oh, I guess I should say that out loud.

Come in!

Hello. Oscar, my husband,

I brought you some soup.

Why? What'd ya do?

Nothing.

I-I just thought I'd make you a little gift.

It's not a gift, it's just soup.

Still, I think you deserve it.

Just you, no one else.

Just you.

Gotta go.

My soup is here.

P.S. It's tomato.

[clears throat loudly]

Oh. Is that a real cough,

or are you just tryin' to screw up my pouring?

Neither. It's a "I know you're ignoring me" cough.

You'd make it easier on yourself if you would

just pretend to play badly, like me.

Okay. So you weren't really playing badly.

Because it looked like sucking came naturally to you.

Well, it looked like being a stubborn smuggy smug

came naturally to you, Smuggo.

[imitating Brent] Well, I'm a spineless guy,

who doesn't win because he's afraid his friend might whine.

This is stupid. We shouldn't be fighting like this. I agree.

Let's settle this on the golf course, where I can open up a can a whup-arse.

I accept your clumsy attempt at a foul-mouthed challenge.

But mark my words, when it comes to golf, I got game.

All right, time to lay down a little smoke.

You mean smoke off your worm burner.

Hey, I thought we were playing golf, not goin' to the beach.

You want a towel? How about an umbrella?

I'll get you some sunscreen.

What I'm goin' for is you're in a sand trap

and there's a lotta sand at the beach.

I don't know what's more embarrassing,

your insults or your game.

Maybe neither of them is more embarrassing.

So there.

Damn! Where did my game go?

Well, maybe your game is beach volleyball.

Say hi to Hasselhoff for me.

Do you see where I'm goin' there? David Hasselhoff?

He played a lifeguard that worked at the beach and--

Uh, anyway, I won.

Whoo hoo!

So I buy her breakfast and she gives me the ticket anyways.

Eggs or pancakes?

Doesn't matter, does it?

I mean if it matters, she had eggs on top of pancakes,

so she definitely should have ripped up the ticket.

I thought I trained her better than that.

I guess I could try talking to her, get her to fix the ticket.

You know, if, uh...

I'll have three scrambled eggs wrapped in a pancake.

[shredder motor running]

Oh, hi, Karen. I'm just doin' some shredding.

It sure is fun. But I'm all outta stuff to shred.

Why don't you pass me your ticket book.

We'll shred some stuff in that.

I'm not shredding Wanda's ticket.

What?

I didn't even think of that.

But it's a good idea.

No.

And you still have a little bit of bribe on your shirt there.

Oh, uh, here. Please, young lady, take my seat.

Yeah, thanks.

Get it? You're a girl, 'cause ya lost to Lacey,

which would be something a little girl would do.

Don't be so insulting. BRENT: Thank you.

He's just a little girl who lost to me.

Whoo hoo!

Yeah, very mature. Can I just order, please?

Of course. Today the special is the ladies platter

and that comes with a side of whoo-hoo-hoo!

I'll pass. I'll just have a chili cheese dog, thanks.

I'll have what she's havin'.

[ringing]

Hello?

Hi. Is Emma there?

No, she's out somewhere.

Just tell her that Lloyd from the Bed Shoppe called,

and I have an amazindeal on some matching end tables

for her new bed.

Did you say Lloyd?

That's it? She won't budge?

She's not as flexible as I am.

You sucked a pancake full of eggs out of me

under the false pretence of fixing my ticket.

That's extortion.

As someone who bribes, I should know.

And as someone who accepts bribes, I understand.

You took my innocent little bribe

and turned it into something sleazy.

Don't worry.

Karen's bound to slip up sooner or later.

And when she does, someone will probably tell us about it.

Or...

we could be there when it happens.

Ooo, that's a good idea, too.

Hey Brent, I can't find my nail polish.

Could I borrow yours? [laughs]

It's a long way to come for such a lame joke.

Yeah. Well, it's kinda slow over there.

Yeah, Brent, relax. Don't get your knickers in a knot.

Boys wear knickers.

Yeah, but Brent's would probably be pink and girlie.

Okay, you know what?

I challenge both of you to a rematch.

I'll kick both your sorry butts, or arses,

and then you can both clam up because you'll see I have game.

Dammit! I swear I used to have game.

What's that? You were you saying something about a river?

You were going to cry me a river? Was that it?

I was sayin' there's a-- Oh, shut up, Hank.

Patrol car's outta gas. Can you fill it up?

Well, that's weird. I just filled it up yesterday.

[spits]

And while you're there, can you pick up some mouthwash?

[ringing]

Hello?

DAVIS: The blue bird has flown the coop.

What?

Karen's on her way, and I got her wallet.

Ah, yes, there we go.

The old game's comin' back.

Still, I kinda miss all your hilarious, witty comments.

I'm workin' on it.

Lorie Kane.

You mean Lorie Kane, world class golf champion?

I panicked. You rushed me.

I prefer to let my game do the talkin'.

Your game just said, "You suck."

Hi.

What? Is something wrong?

Lloyd called.

Who's Lloyd?

You know, Lloyd, from the Bed Shoppe.

Oh, I wonder what he wanted.

He was keen to talk to you. But we ended up havin' a little chat.

Yeah, he is cute, isn't he?

What?

I'm just saying he's good looking. I wouldn't dream about him.

Oh, okay, I dreamt about him, but just once.

I was just going to say we had a chat about end tables.

That's what I meant. Soup?

[imitating crow cawing]

[fake coughing]

BRENT: You know, you might want to save your distraction techniques

for when I'm actually teeing off.

I wasn't trying to distract you. I was just clearin' my throat.

Yeah. I was just practicin' my crow sounds.

Just hit the ball.

[Hank imitating roaring]

[fake coughing]

What the hell are you doin'?

I'm doing a bear. I don't know what she's doing.

Okay, that's forty bucks.

Too bad you don't have your wallet. What? Where's my--

Hey, how did you know I forgot my wallet?

I saw it in your eyes.

You looked walletless.

Tell you what.

I'm gonna give ya free gas and you rip up my ticket.

Or I could just pay you with this spare money

I keep in my boot.

What are you, a pirate?

Ah-hah! No, no, no, no.

Trying to get away with some free gas, were we?

You were you going to entrap me,

to extort me into turning a blind eye to the bribery.

Real nice, guys.

Ow-oow! Police brutality!

I'll forget about it if you rip up my ticket.

Okay, I'll pay for the ticket.

And I'll pay for lunch.

I'll have the most expensive thing on the menu.

You Lloyd?

Yes, I am.

I'm Oscar Leroy. Stay outta my wife's head.

Oscar, we spoke on the phone.

I should have known it was you by your strong,

intelligent voice.

I got lamps for the end tables.

What are you doin'?

This bed has caused us nothing but trouble. I'm sending it back.

No. If this is about Lloyd, I took care of it.

Are you sure?

Yup. He's a good guy.

And he knows a good lookin' woman when he sees one.

Come on, let's fire this puppy up.

[laughs]

Oh, that's new.

Geez, it's windy. I better hold down my skirt.

Well, I don't know whether to putt or paint my nails.

Just finish it.

There are two kinds of people in this world,

girls who lose to me and other girls who lose to me

and who are actually girls.

You know, you're only one stroke ahead of me.

You could miss this and I'd win.

Yeah, like that's gonna happen, Mr. Burrows.

Do it!

Dang, what happened there?

I'm never gonna sink that in two.

Whoo hoo! I win!

In your face!

In both your faces. I win! Whoo hoo!

So you lost to Lacey again.

That must really get your panties in a bunch.

A little. But it doesn't feel as bad as it sounds.

The important thing is, Hank lost to Lacey.

[high-pitched continuous whine]

[beep]

Mm, hang on Hank, that's my other line.

Hello?

That's pretty annoying, isn't it?

Soothopedic mattress.

Huh!

I still don't understand what changed your mind.

Stupid fancy doodads.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪