05x07 - Buzz Driver

[bunniefuu]

The file cabinet is jammed again.

You know the drawer glides shut nice and gentle,

but you always close it like you're King Kong or Godzilla.

No, I don't.

If I was King Kong, I'd just shake it,

and throw it out the window.

Or if I was Godzilla,

I'd just burn it, or hit it with my tail.

Just be more careful.

Come to think of it, why would either of them even need a filing cabinet?

[grunts]

Hmm, that's better.

Yeah.

Oopsy.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

What's that stuff?

It's one of those new energy drinks.

No, it's called Haywire. Scamola.

No. I mean all these energy drinks are a scam,

a total hose job, and you fell for it.

And look at this crap.

Sodium citrate, inositol phosphate.

There's no scientific evidence that any of this boosts energy.

Yeah? Well, there's no scientific evidence

behind voodoo, either, but go explain zombies.

There you are.

We've got tons of stuff to do around here today.

Eavestrough needs cleaning, garden needs fertilizing.

Sorry, not today. I promised the school board

I'd fill in for the school bus driver.

Why on earth would they pick you?

Oh, who knows.

The bus driver, Clarence, is sick.

Here's a list of people qualified to take his place.

Here's another list of people who aren't qualified at all.

Now don't go mixing these up.

Well, who am I supposed to get to help me with the garden?

Not my problem. I got a school bus to drive.

That was a lucky sh*t. You hit my sciatic nerve.

Your sciatic nerve is in your jaw?

They're all connected, right, Brent?

Your jaw and your hip are connected, yes, via the torso.

Somebody took biology in high school.

I took it or times. What are you talkin' about?

Ah, I don't want to say.

It's kind of embarrassing, for Davis.

I'm not embarrassed.

Anyone can get knocked out.

Muhammad Ali got knocked out. George Chuvalo got knocked out.

Neither of them ever got knocked out.

Oh. Well, they both knocked out other guys, tough guys.

I barely touched him and he dropped like a bag of sand.

She used a wrench.

So I can knock Davis out whenever I want? This is good to know.

Why would you want to knock me out?

I have my reasons.

You're drinkin' Haywire? I thought you said that was stupid.

No, I said you were stupid. I said this was fraudulent.

But it's tasty.

What is that, a sail?

No.

But that is a good idea.

No, I'm in the advertising business.

Oh.

It hit me last night,

I should be in the advertising business.

Maybe 'cause I was watching a Bewitched marathon on TV.

Oh, right, because Darrin was in advertising.

No, I just really liked the way they advertised the marathon.

So, uh, that's why I have this billboard--

well, I'm callin' it a Hankboard. Know why?

Your name's not Bill?

Did I already tell ya that?

Anyway, you can be my first customer.

I'll paint "The Ruby" on it and drive around.

And what's that gonna cost me?

bucks?

I don't think so.

That's my final offer.

Going...

Going...

Gone.

Going...

Going...

Hey, Brent, I'm in the advertising business,

got a Hankboard in the back of my truck.

It's like a billboard, but my name's not Bill.

Hankboard.

Anyway, you should advertise on the back of my truck.

Why, to keep people from going to all the other gas stations in town?

Ah, you're no better than Lacey.

I almost had her, though. It just came down to price.

Really? Well, you should go hit her up again.

Give her a few bucks off.

Once people see your sign in action, you'll get more customers.

Hey, Wanda,

you should advertise on my Hankboard.

Advertise what?

How should I care? Just--

Is your eye twitchin'?

No.

Yeah, it is. That's 'cause you're loaded on Haywire.

You're all zipped up on the H.

It's got nothin' to do with this crap.

I just haven't been eating enough zinc lately.

Just need to eat some more broccoli,

a few more pumpkin seeds.

Quit gawking at me!

All right, okay. Don't fly into a Haywire rage.

I'm tougher than you think.

Just forget about it, okay?

Two for flinchin'.

See? Still conscious.

Hey, I hear Hank hit ya up to advertise on his truck sign?

Yes, he made me an offer I couldn't comprehend.

See if you can throw the guy a bone somehow.

This is a side of you I haven't seen before,

Mr. Sensitive.

It's Dr. Sensitive, actually.

And I'm just lookin' out for my best friend.

And, yes, that is as sad as it sounds.

When you stop the bus, deploy the stop sign on the side.

That keeps people from passing while students are getting on or off.

I won't let those punks get away with anything, not on my watch.

The kids are pretty well behaved.

Kids are animals. They need discipline.

Otherwise it's anarchy, like Lord of the Rings.

You mean Lord of the Flies? You bet I do.

You can get people to punch me in the face--

Oh, I can get more than .

But the point is, if word gets out that my partner

can't back me up, it puts me in compromised position.

You think I can't back you up?

Let's just keep this quiet.

These things have a way of getting out.

Hey, Emma.

I knocked out Davis.

One little bump, goodnight Sally.

See? Now it's out there.

Karen, leave Davis alone. Come to my place.

You can fertilize the garden and clean the eaves in peace,

far away from Karen's hurtful teasing.

Uh, I'm good with teasing.

would be better suited to working around the house.

No. Thanks for stickin' up for me, though.

Someone has to, Glass Jaw.

Heya, Brent, whatcha doin'?

Who just tossed this chewed gum on the floor?

[talking rapidly] Yeah, people can be pigs sometimes, that's for sure,

tossin' their crap all over the place. Pigs, piggy, piggy people, pigs.

How many of those Haywire drinks have you had?

Oh, , , , , --

Why am I counting again?

Oh, let me do that.

Oo-kay.

[honking]

Just got it finished.

Paint's a little wet, but what do ya think?

I don't know, "Hankboard Advertising" seems a little small.

Please, Lacey, make me an offer.

I'll take anything ya got, um, anything.

Okay. I'll give ya $.

What? That-that's insulting, that's a slap in the face!

No, it isn't. I could give you an actual slap in the face

and show you the difference.

's good.

All right, listen up.

Your regular driver, Clarence, has gone home sick.

I don't what you psychos did to him,

but they called in the cavalry.

That's right.

There's a new sheriff in town and his name is "Yes, Sir."

And he doesn't put up with any of your punk shenanigans.

Um, excuse me, Mr. Sir.

But could you tell us what a shenanigan is,

so we can avoid that?

Funny you should ask. 'Cause that's a shenanigan.

Put your nose against the window.

Pardon me?

Window. Nose. Now.

I'm confused. Is he the cavalry or the sheriff?

I said I ask the questions.

Nose to the window.

Hey, it's busy.

Yeah, it's a good day.

'Cause Hank's billboard's workin'?

I wouldn't go that far. I gave him money to shut him up.

His marketing style is a little aggressive.

Eat at The Ruby!

[honking]

Eat at The Ruby!

We got a lot of complaints.

Talk to Hank.

Oh, you hired him. I need you to take care of this.

Or what, you'll collapse in a heap?

Hey, Lacey, any ticket we give to Hank,

we're giving two to you, okay?

So why don't you take care of this?

Oh. Sure, Karen. It won't happen again.

Brent, would you be able to--

Is Wanda inside the cooler?

Yeah. She's cleaning it.

She's got a buncha excess energy 'cause she's jacked up on Haywire.

No, I'm not!

Hmm, it gave her super hearing too. So, what's up?

I was wondering if you'd come by the house and help me with some chores.

I'll make ya a nice four-cheese lasagne.

Oh, geez, this is tough.

My gluttony is fighting with my sloth.

[harp strumming]

Come on. Free food, four kinds of cheese. Let's go!

Let's just stay here.

There's hotdogs right next door.

I'm just gonna stay here. There's hotdogs right--

I mean I have a lot of work to do.

I'm going to go next door now, for work.

Wanda?

Wanda?

[talking rapidly] Hi, Emma. Just doing a little re-shingling on my coffee break.

Are you looking for Brent? Because I haven't seen him around in a while.

Perfect.

Wanda, I want you to come and work at my place.

Sure. Sounds like fun. How did you--

Never mind. Go wait in the car. I'll be right there.

Sure, take your time. Can I listen to the radio?

Actually, never mind. I'm just gonna jog over. See ya over there.

Eat at The Ruby!

Eat at the what?

All right, let's have it.

Have what?

The booze. What's booze?

The stuff they warned us about in Church Group.

Oh, don't give me the old church mouse and bookworm routine.

I've seen them all before.

Honest, Mr. Leroy, we don't have any liquor or anything bad.

Fine. Then I'll just take this.

That's my homework.

Then do it at home. No reading on the bus.

God loves you.

You're damn right he does.

Hey, lotsa people.

Guess ya got the Hankboard to thank.

I admit there may be some coincidental benefit.

But you can't drive around like some lunatic,

not with my business in huge letters--

moderately sized letters-- emblazoned across your truck.

People can't read what they can't see. I make them see my truck.

Hank, you're making people mad at me.

The place is packed. Trust me. This is what I do for a living.

Yeah, since a.m.

You run your business your way, I'll run my business my way.

Do you have any advice now, Dr. Sensitive?

Actually, yes.

LACEY: Hank Yarbo is an independent contractor

and The Ruby Café is not liable for his actions.

Well, yeah, that's the idea.

But it might be a little wordy.

Where were you?

Oh, I just went for a run,

you know, through some backyards, over some fences.

Were you chasin' a suspect?

No.

You were doin' police work on your own

because you think I can't back you up.

You let Lacey push you around--Lacey!

I was gettin' ready to make my next move

before you stepped in.

What was your move gonna be?

I don't know.

Arm bar, nightstick to the knees, whatever it took.

Hey, Wanda, when you're done in the cooler,

you could do the floors in the bathroom, you know,

if you're still not being affected by your energy drink.

Wanda?

Hey, that's a nice ladder. What is it, aluminium?

It probably is, because there aren't that many metals that

are this strong and this light. Nobody uses wood anymore. Hey, that's a nice shirt.

Yeah. Well, the eavestrough is--

This title's misleading.

Are they gonna k*ll a mockingbird or not?

[honking]

Quit your honkin'!

When I'm stopped, you're stopped!

I don't make the rules!

[honking] Eat at The Ruby!

[honking] Hank is not my fault!

[honking]

You're a good digger.

Well, keep at it. I'll be inside.

Yo, Zippy, time to get back to your job.

It's a nice day, Brent. I like working outside.

The sun is shining and the birds are singing

and the sky is bleeding and the grass is screaming.

I wanna stay here.

Okay. Well, I guess I'll just go back to Corner Gas,

you know, that place that's full of Haywire.

This is nice in here. You spilled some toothpicks, .

I counted them. Let's go. Come on!

[cars honking] It could use some pictures, too.

Mr. Leroy, you can't just stay parked out here all day.

We have to get home.

Who's drivin' this bus?

No one right now.

Oh, smart mouth. Nose to the window.

If you don't get us home right now,

I'm going to write a stern letter.

We will all write stern letters.

Oh, really? How are ya gonna write letters

if I confiscate your pens?

Everyone, hand over your pens and pencils, right now.

New rule: no writing on the bus.

He can take our pens, but he can't crush our spirits.

Spirits? I knew you had booze.

We don't have any booze! Enough is enough!

[kids yelling]

Sit t down! Sit down!

I'll-I'll-I'll-I'll give ya your pens back!

[ringing]

D.R.P.D.

I'll be right there.

You'll be right where? Where will you be?

Oh, just taking care of some, uh,

you know, personal stuff,

with my cousin, who's in town for some family things.

And, uh, where's the riot gear?

In the trunk.

But this better not be a call.

You can't let Mom manipulate ya like that.

She's taking advantage of your condition.

Hey, could you clean the bathrooms?

I'm feeling a little wiped.

Uh-oh. You're crashing. I saw this on Mod Squad.

Don't go to sleep!

I'm just resting my eyes.

Stay with me!

Ooo!

[tires screeching] Eat at The Ruby!

He's not my fault!

Eat at The Ruby!

He's not my fault!

Eat at The Ruby!

Karen! Thank God! Get out your g*n.

Did you bring that pepper spray stuff?

What happened, here?

How am I supposed to know? I was just drivin' the bus.

Wow, this is surprising. Normally these kids are really well behaved.

That one's in a church group.

Well, they've all gone nuts.

It's like Lord of the Dance in here.

Everybody take your seats! I'm Officer Pelly!

Ah-hah! I knew this was police business.

Davis, I can take care of this.

Why don't you just go back to the station and do--

Oopsy.

[cars honking]

Okay, I give up. I can't chase you around all day.

I want to get back to The Ruby and have something to eat.

There's the power of advertising, right there.

I mean you can sell any kinda crap with a well placed ad.

ANNOUNCER: Season four of Corner Gas now available on DVD.

Okay, look, I just want you to stop driving around, okay?

I got my money's worth.

Fine.

Hey, you want me to advertise that I'm not advertising anymore?

No!

Okay, come on. You're gonna be all right.

Just relax. Here we go.

You have a seat, right here,

and I'll get you a can of Haywire.

Damn! Well played, Mother.

I want Wanda back.

Well, of course you do.

She's, uh, a human dynamo.

Okay, maybe we can still make a deal.

Did the kids settle down?

Oh, yeah. Once they realized they knocked out a police officer,

they all started cryin' and prayin'. Good kids.

You must be loving this. I take no satisfaction.

I simply wanted you to understand that anyone can get knocked out.

There's not anyone--

Oopsy.

Here it is, still warm.

Mmm-mmm-mmm, four-cheese lasagne.

Actually, it's five. Holy crud!

You didn't just use one of the cheeses twice, did ya?

Five different cheeses.

Now, where's Wanda?

Oh, she's in the yard already, you know, just flat out.

Okay, see ya.

That sneaky--

Don't worry, Wanda,

I have a little surprise for ya in the fridge.

Oh, I needed that, whatever it was.

That's dollars worth.

Thanks.

Man, fill 'er up again.

A guy sure can burn up a lotta gas drivin' around town all day.

Tell me about it.

I was only out there for an hour and I spent $--

Wait a minute.

Yep, what can ya do? Crazy world, crazy times. Nice weather, though.

You set this whole thing up. Admit it.

I'm not admitting anything, and you can't make me.

Hmm.

Ow! All right, don't flick me!

Fine, I set it up, and it was brilliant.

I almost had her, though. It just came down to the price.

Really?

When I heard Hank almost had you onboard his crazy scheme,

I saw the potential immediately.

I sent everybody I could over to your place.

And you kept Hank's truck rollin' all day long.

Ka ching, ka ching, ka ching.

I even had you drivin' around telling people

you weren't responsible for him drivin' around.

Hank is not my fault!

All in all, it meant mucho dimayo for the evil genius, me.

Dimayo means May, Genius.

And for the record, I paid Hank $, you $,

and with all the extra traffic, I came out with

a profit of over $, which means mucho dinero for me.

De Niro's an actor, Genius.

And you're both overlooking one little thing.

I drove around town all day and made bucks.

Eat at The Ruby!

And all I had to do was pay Brent, pay Brent...

pay Brent...

pay Brent--

Wait.

Aw, man, that didn't work out well for me at all.

What a rip!

Oh, well.

Let's go to The Ruby and get somethin' to eat.

Damn, it still works!

[talking rapidly] Neat and tidy, that's the way to do it.

And keep the shelves stocked at the front.

That's how I used to do it and that's how you should do it.

Please take him back. Don't you have chores he can do at home?

Nope. He's finished them all.

He's yours for as long as a can of that stuff lasts.

I feel like I'm forgetting something.

Just a couple more minutes.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪