05x08 - Classical Gas

[bunniefuu]

[doorbell rings]

Who's that?

Don't answer it. Probably telemarketers.

That's right. They dialed our doorbell. Go get it.

[doorbell rings]

Mr. Leroy? Yes?

I'm Jonathan Zeneta.

I was the foster child from Kenya you sponsored.

I was in Canada and I thought I'd come visit

the family who sponsored me, so I could thank them.

You're welcome.

What?

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

I didn't even know you guys sponsored a child in Africa.

Yeah. Blew a lotta cups of coffee on this kid.

And thanks to your generosity, I was able to escape

the squalor of my existence and become a doctor.

Oh.

I always knew he'd grow up to be a doctor.

You didn't even understand the program.

We should sponsor a foster child.

Why can't Ed Foster take care of his own kids?

Ed, Emma wants us to buy one of your kids.

You just don't get it, do you?

Ed Foster would have sold one, if you hadn't been so rude.

How about you, Brent? What was your childhood like?

I was able to escape the squalor of my existence

to take over the gas station.

A doctor.

[scoffs at Brent]

Ah! Sorry, this thing is jammed.

Can't seem to get the money drawer open.

Awesome, thanks.

No. Can you help me?

Sure.

Just make sure you don't--

[clattering]

--rip the drawer off the tracks.

You have another one of these, right?

Hey, I have added some new items to the menu

you guys might want to check out.

Delicious bean salad. It doesn't sound very good.

Yeah. I'm not really in the mood for a fabulous falafel.

I'll just stick with my usual. Me too.

Fine. Two hamburgers comin' right up.

Make mine bunless.

Carbs, you know?

Hey, something's broken and you didn't call me?

Figured it was already busted, so what could you do?

The drawer was stuck.

Did you try yankin' on it as hard as possible? Yeah.

Oh. Well, that's all I got.

I'll use the calculator to ring these up.

Calculator? Just use that big brain, do it in your head.

Come on, it'll be fun.

O-kay.

That will be seven... .

Man, that was awesome.

Okay, so if I give you a , how much change?

Four dollars and cents.

Jeez, that was fast. Did you see how fast she could do that?

Doo-dee-doo. Change, all right. Thanks.

That was fast, but it wasn't the right answer.

Maybe if you hadn't broken my cash register,

Hank wouldn't have gotten ripped off.

Hank wasn't the one who got ripped off.

Oh.

Hey, Lacey, I'd like you to meet my brother, Jonathan.

Hi, there. Nice to meet you.

That's it? I say I have a brother and you don't bat an eye?

You say a lotta things. I'm done batting my eyes.

What, you got a brother and I just find out about it now?

I thought we were friends. Man, this stinks!

Was that so hard?

He's not my actual brother.

He's my parents' foster son, Jonathan.

Oh. Someone got the hair in the family.

He's a doctor.

I always knew one of my boys would grow up to be a success.

Hey, I'm Hank, Brent's best friend.

We're like brothers.

More like cousins, really, second or third cousins.

Is there such a thing as a fifth cousin? That would be us.

Would you like something to eat, Jonathan?

That would be great. Thank you.

I have just added a few new items to the menu.

May I suggest the pleasurable papaya salad?

Um, no thanks.

I'll just have a grilled cheese Make it two.

My doctor son's buyin' me lunch today,

and a couple of coffees too.

I'd say you owe me.

Man, that can't be easy, listening to your father

go on about how proud he is of Jonathan.

Or listening to your father, period.

Just 'cause he's a doctor and you work at a gas station

doesn't mean you've wasted your life.

Yeah. Somebody's gotta pump gas for the healers.

You can't do math?

But you're the smartest person in town.

Einstein couldn't do basic math very well,

and yet he came up with the theory of relativity,

which I understand, by the way.

Right.

But times is?

I know other things: quantum physics, anthropology.

Do you know the conflicting forces applied in this tetrahedron?

You heard me, tetrahedron.

Wow.

Too bad you can't get a Nobel prize for stacking stuff.

This witty banter is exactly why I don't want people

to know I'm no good at math. Ya gotta help me.

I'm busy.

I may not be great with numbers, but I figure it's gonna cost

about bucks to fix the cash register,

which Brent does or doesn't need to know you broke.

Busy helping you with math.

Mm-hmm-hmm!

Hey, Brent, what are you doing for dinner tonight?

Eating?

Come eat at our house. I want to have dinner tonight, the whole family.

[muffled] That sounds nice. Thanks.

Don't talk with your mouth full.

I hope you got enough food, Emma.

Nobody can eat like Brent, here.

Jonathan probably can't eat as much as Brent, and he's a doctor.

You're not comin' over for dinner.

No, no. I'm just sayin', when it comes to eatin',

Brent can pack it down more than anyone.

He's like a hippopotamus.

Thanks, Hank.

There she is.

Wanda, show my son, the doctor, we're not all rubes here.

Do somethin' smart.

I could point out that you don't have a son who's a doctor.

I know about genetics.

Must come in handy when you're ringing up bread and motor oil.

Do that math thing that Hank says you can do in your head.

Rack 'em up.

Actually, I'm training people, now, in, uh, math.

Karen?

Uh, the items come to...

nine dollars and...

cents.

Really?

What do you mean "really"?

She's right.

See how smart Wanda is?

But she did--

Oh, yeah. Karen, if you keep practicin',

one day you might be as smart as Wanda.

Or my doctor son.

Yeah. What are the odds of that?

Seriously, Wanda, what are the odds, -, -?

Twelve?

Ooo, French bread. Fancy dinner?

Yeah. I want to impress my special little guy.

You know, sometimes you spoil Brent.

No, I'm talking about Jonathan.

I want to make Me too.

You need a marketing trick.

You know, I don't know if I believe in all that marketing stuff.

Oh, Coke Classic is on sale.

Oh, I love Coke Classic.

Oh, and Classic spaghetti sauce. Maybe I should get some of that.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: You're listening to Classic ,

all classics all the time.

Coming up, another classic hit from a dynamite band

on our All Classic Weekend.

I've got it.

Try my new Dynamite Chili.

Ooo, I don't think so.

Aww. I thought that'd be a classic.

Ooo, if you had Classic chili, I'd have that.

O-kay. Now I get it.

Is that duck?

You never made duck for me before.

It's not every day we have a special guest from out of town.

No, seems more like every week.

I bet their never fed ya like this back home, eh, Johnny?

They sure didn't.

Jonathan, eat your vegetables.

That's not how I raised you, from a distance.

That's a good point, Mom.

Maybe Jonathan should eat my vegetables, too, as punishment.

Everyone's eating their asparagus.

There are people starving in Afri--gina.

Hey, everyone, sorry to interrupt dinner.

But I just wanted to show Jonathan, and d remind his mom

and dad, of this ball of string Brent collected in grade .

Jonathan's a doctor, not a kitten.

This was the second biggest in our class.

Brent saved string.

[scoffs]

Jonathan saved a village.

Oh, I--not a whole village.

So, what's the special today, Lacey? Something really exotic?

No, just a Classic goat cheese omelette.

Classic, huh?

Mmm, that was great.

Hey, Hank, try the Classic goat cheese omelette.

Oh, goat and cheese in the same omelette? I'm in.

I'll get one of those Classics too. Sounds good.

Okay. Two more goat cheese omelettes comin' up.

I mean two Classic goat cheese omelettes comin' up.

Gotta love those classics, huh?

Are you sure you know Yes.

Yes...?

Yes, Mom?

Don't dawdle on your way over there.

Oh, and put this sweater on.

Aw-ooh. Oh, don't saw "Aw" to me, young man.

Put it on.

There ya go.

Here's your Classic goat cheese omelette.,

Oh, and Brent, your mom phoned.

She wants you to call as soon as Jonathan gets here, safely.

Odd. But okay.

Yeah, he found his way from Kenya. Hopefully he can make it to The Ruby.

I wouldn't want him to get lost in the metropolis of Dog River.

[laughs enthusiastically]

Oh, man, that's funny. You're funny.

What about what I said?

Not so much, no.

But Brent, he's funny, and a successful owner of a gas station.

I mean doctors around the world would be envious of your wit and gas.

Going on picnic, huh?

No, I'm shingling a roof.

Oh.

Hey, you're good at math. Maybe you can help me out.

The roof is feet by feet...

Uh-huh?

...and if each bundle of shingles covers square feet...

I'm just in the middle of a call.

...then how many bundles of shingles do I need to cover the whole roof?

Come on, it's a simple one.

[siren wailing]

Someone call --?

No. Weird. Must be a mistake.

But since you're here, Glen has an interesting question

about shingling a roof.

I got this clicking sound in my knee.

I'll get my son to look at it.

I don't want Brent touchin' my knees.

Oh, not Brent. My good son, Jonathan.

Here's what he looked like when we first got him.

Not bad, huh?

[slow, sad music plays] And all it cost me was just a few pennies a day.

I'm over here, Oscar.

All right, according to my calculations, if your roof

was feet by feet,

you would need...

/ bundles of tiles.

Well, I'm going to get a second opinion.

Sure. Call a hardware store.

How'd she do, Wanda?

Well, you know, the math was bang on.

But, Karen, they're called shingles, not tiles.

Sorry about that, Glen.

I know how hard it is to find good people.

Ach!

Hey, Brent, can I borrow some money for a beer?

One thing about my buddy, Brent, is he's got a lotta money

and he's always willing to be generous with it.

Sorry. Actually, I'm a little short on cash right now.

He also keeps me on a tight leash.

You need a ?

Thanks, man.

And I always pay my debts. That's what Brent taught me.

Can I borrow bucks?

Sorry about calling -- before.

No problem.

There was a car accident just outside of town,

but that's really nothing compared to a roofing emergency.

That's the spirit.

I wish you wouldn't belittle me in front of everyone.

I have to keep up appearances.

Fine. But could you be a little more considerate? Fair enough.

Hey, Wanda, I've got some great numbers over here

you should add up, lotsa sevens.

Sorry, too busy tutoring Constable Kindergarten over here.

Just keeping up appearances.

Hey, Phil, I see you got the Classic nachos there.

Uh-huh. Do you want some?

Nope.

But I know what you're up to.

What?

You know what I'm sayin'.

They're "Classic."

Someone needs to drive Lacey home.

Another interesting thing about Brent,

sure, he's a little on the heavy side,

but he's got a great centre of gravity. Watch this.

You can't move the guy.

When you say Africa's w*r-torn,

how bad would it be compared to this?

How do you set the timer on this thing?

It's the button on the-- I know what I'm doin', Jackass.

Let me fix your tie.

I think it's pretty good.

It's too bad you have to leave.

Wouldn't it be great if you moved here,

opened up your own practice?

Aren't the Fosters selling?

You could move into the Foster home.

Don't pressure the guy. Maybe he doesn't want to live in Dog River.

Who wouldn't want to live in Dog River?

He wouldn't say no to his foster parents.

No, I wouldn't.

It'd be fun to live here.

I don't want to stay here. I really don't want to stay.

You've got to help me.

They're your foster parents. Just tell them you don't want to stay.

But by saying I don't want to live here,

I would be implying that living in a poverty-stricken part

of the world dealing with disease-ridden citizens

would be preferable to living in Dog River.

Yeah, I guess that could come across as offensive,

especially if you say it like that.

Plus your mom's driving me crazy.

Really? What about Dad?

Oh, he's okay.

Hey, maybe you're not a good fit.

And Lacey, deceiving everyone by putting "Classic"

in front of food to get people to buy it.

Lacey's doin' what?

[engine starts, gravel scatters]

So I'll just put this on your tab, then.

I'll hang onto your gas cap till you pay it.

You thought you were fooling me into buying something

because you called it "Classic."

I didn't think I was fooling you, I was fooling you.

I'm not eating here today.

The point is, you tried new dishes and you liked them.

No. The point is, I can't trust you

and your slick marketing tricks.

I'm going to the bar for some nachos.

DAVIS: Hey, Wanda,

I want you to figure out how much

Lacey ripped me off with her Classic trick.

You know, the Norse God of tricks was Loki, son of Odin?

Yeah, let's see, I had the Classic pad thai for .,

the Classic endive salad with artichokes

and raspberry vinaigrette for .,

and the Classic sea bass for ..

How much did I spend?

Well, um...

Hey, Karen,

student protégé. She can do it.

Do what?

Add up ., . and ., and the taxes.

Go ahead, show him what I taught ya.

I'll try.

Can I use a pencil?

Or crayons, because that's how we do math in kindergarten.

Use finger paints if you have to.

Aw, you look handsome, so grown up in a tie.

Good photo, uh?

That's very nice. But where's Brent?

That's his elbow right there.

You cut me out of the picture?

People know what ya look like.

We got your good elbow.

I have a bad elbow?

Hey, everyone, check out this yo-yo.

Brent, show everybody how ya walk the dog.

All right, enough of this. I can't take it anymore.

Look, I'm not proud of this, but despite my gluttony

and my awesome string collecting abilities,

I do feel inadequate next to Jonathan,

and I think he should leave.

[gasps]

That's how I really feel, really.

I think Davis deserves to see the master at work.

Yeah, I wanna see the master.

So what is it, Master?

And don't forget the taxes.

[hesitantly] ..

Amazing.

Well, not so amazing.

This calculator says ..

Well, that's embarrassing.

Karen screws it up, even using the calculator.

What?

Well, it's the only logical explanation.

Yep. Close the book on that puzzle. [chuckles]

Have a nice day, everybody.

Okay, you know what?

I broke the cash register and Wanda can't do math,

so I was the one doing the math, the basic, simple math

that anyone can do, except Wanda.

Okay, someone's been workin' too hard.

I'm takin' Karen home.

No! I'm the Math Master!

And no more cool brain tricks till I get back.

What's a thousand plus a million?

Sorry, you heard Davis. No more math.

Who wants to conjugate some Latin?

We want math.

That's nonsense. He's not leaving.

I don't know what's come between you boys,

but you never fought like that when you were kids.

Where did we go wrong?

I don't like the way Dad favours Jonathan over me.

Either he goes or I go.

Can you work a gas pump?

Why are you listening to Oscar? I mean it's Oscar.

You know, Oscar.

Oscar.

I can't be anymore clear than that.

I just don't measure up. Hank was right.

If I had a nickel every time I heard that.

Please, please, Brent's right.

I see that it was a huge mistake to come here...

and make Brent feel bad.

Anyway, gotta go pack.

What?

It's for the best. Right, Hank?

I was just tryin' to build ya up, man.

I didn't think you were gonna att*ck your brother.

It's just a ball of string, man.

I can't thank you enough. You've really saved me.

By saving you, I've saved hundreds of lives in Africa.

Guess that makes me a hero.

You sure you don't want to come with me?

Believe me, it's tempting,

but one of us has to stay behind and run the family business.

Oh, Mom wants you to wear this sweater.

I will.

But only as far as the airport.

Now you're learnin'.

Jonathan says hello.

He's workin' on getting a hospital built in Nigeria.

Wow, that's impressive.

I'd do that too, but I am neck deep in wiper fluid over there today, so.,

Davis, welcome.

Oh, listen, I'm sorry about everything.

Oh, that's okay.

I guess sometimes business can get in the way of friendship.

I won't let it happen again.

What can I get ya, an Old Fashioned roast beef sandwich

or a Home-style stew?

Oooo-oooo.

Home-style stew sounds perfect.

How much is some milk plus some chips, multiplied by a magazine?

Divided by diapers.

Get off me!

Cash register's fixed.

Oh, thank God! How much do I owe you.

$ plus tax.

Oh, plus shipping and handling. What's that make it?

Oh, shut up.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪