05x09 - Game Set and Mouse

[bunniefuu]

Did I ever tell you about that time in public school

when I stole that kid's lunch and--

Buried it in the sandbox? Yeah. I was the kid.

Oh.

Hey, I wonder who invented the salt shaker.

Probably someone named Wendy Salt or-or, uh,

Sally Shaker, huh?

Now you're just forcin' it.

Man, I can't believe we've run out of conversation.

It was inevitable. We've known each other years.

We're bound to run out of things to say.

But not like this. I haven't even finished my first beer.

Okay, easy. Let's just ride this out.

I'm sure we'll come up with somethin'.

I got nothin'.

Hey, remember that time you stole my lunch

and buried in the s-- oh, yeah.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

Hey, did you see that?

A mouse just ran across the floor. It was as big as a gopher.

If he was as big as a gopher, you know what he mighta been?

It wasn't a gopher. I know the difference between mice and gophers, jackass.

I was gonna say squirrel.

It was a mouse. It was the biggest mouse I've ever seen.

Did it have boxing gloves on and bounce up and down?

That mistake's been made before.

What are you talking about?

It was a mouse, and I'm gonna catch it.

[imitating Sylvester Jr.] Oh, father.

This could really catch on.

Hey, guys. What could catch on?

The other night we were bored, so we invented a new game.

An avoiding work type of game?

More of a general knowledge kinda game,

to see how much you know, generally.

Yeah, each player gets asked questions,

not important questions, just random, unimportant,

almost trivial questions.

Questions with very little relevance in the real world.

You try to answer correctly, and when you do, you get a little wedge.

When you answer them correctly, the wedges form a little circle--

Like a cake? No, more like a--

Wheel of cheese? No.

Pizza? No, more dessert-like.

The problem is, Brent and I would be unbeatable

because we know too much stuff.

I don't know about your game, but it sounds a lot like Trivial Pursuit.

Trivia what?

Trivial Pursuit, the game.

Never heard of it.

You lookin' for the mouse too?

No. I hurt my back,

because Brent asked me to stack a buncha wiper fluid.

Hey, could you stack these?

I'm busy.

[cr*ck] Oooh!

He thinks he can push me around.

Who, the mouse?

I've stopped talking to you.

Right. We don't wanna scare the mouse.

If Trivia Persual were real, we woulda heard of it.

She probably overheard us talkin' and she's copyin' our game.

Trivial Pursuit, everybody's heard of it.

It-it's sold like a zillion kajillion copies.

Those aren't even real numbers. Yeah, what a giveaway.

Could we get a skillion prillion cups of coffee, please?

[chuckles]

Seriously, more coffee? Just two, though.

[groaning]

Hey, Wanda, you okay?

Oh, yeah. I find it relaxing to lay my face on a counter

and groan like a harp seal.

Harp seals don't groan. Harp seals harp.

My back is k*lling me. Do me a favour.

Empty two bottles of ibuprofen into my mouth and grab me a root beer.

Pills should be a last resort.

Here, I studied a bit of physiotherapy.

Maybe I can help you. No, I don't want--

Oooo-ooo-oooh!

Oooo-ho!

That was a harp seal.

Hey, Oscar, how's it goin'?

What's it look like I'm doin'?

I asked how it was goin'?

Oh. Well, I'll tell ya what I'm doin'.

I'm buyin' mouse traps.

Those are the kind that k*ll the mouse.

You can get humane traps. Do the catch and release method.

I prefer the k*ll and flush method.

All right, then, look at this, Trivial Pursuit.

What do you have to say about it now, huh?

Oh, man, way to steal our idea.

Why don't you go invent your own game?

Though I do admire your craftsmanship.

My craftsmanship?

Oh, come on. How could I have made a professionally printed

board game with custom fitted plastic pieces in under four hours?

You got big city connections. Who knows what you can do?

She even took our wedge idea.

Don't k*ll the little fella. He's cute.

You've never seen him.

I don't have to. I can just imagine how cute he is.

Little eyes, little nose, eating his cheese,

tapping the keys on his little piano.

What are you, some kinda animal lover?

Why? Is that a bad thing?

It is when you say it like this: animal lover!

You're right, it does sound bad.

Still, I got nothin' against animals.

I once nursed an owl back to health.

There you go.

You fly away, Hooty, and be free.

Go, Hooty, go!

Hooty did a big majestic loop and screeched goodbye.

Maybe I should have called him Screechy or Loopy.

Bird lover!

Hey, do you feel any better?

I feel like ya hit me in the spine with a pickaxe.

Is that better or worse?

Come here. Put your neck in my hands for a second.

Hey, what's going on?

Wanda's back was sore, so I did that back cracking thing,

where you go behind the person and--

Don't touch me!

You shouldn't mess around with things you don't fully understand.

Rest for now.

I'll whip ya up a batch of paste that'll fix ya right up.

What kinda paste?

Oh, you know, paste.

I don't fully understand how it works,

but it's been in the family for generations.

Like some old hillbilly mudpack or somethin'?

Hillbilly?

I meant pioneer.

Now, this is how a pro works, Karen.

You take three dollops of goop

and spread it evenly like spaghetti sauce.

It's burning! The warmth means it's working.

I didn't say warmth. It feels like you're welding my spine.

That also means it's working.

What do the red blotches mean?

It means it's time to shut up.

What? There's blotches?

Not anymore. Now your whole back is red.

Oww! Now it's really burning! My skin is on fire!

Geez, I'm glad that's not me.

Hey, Trivial Pursuit.

Oh, so you've heard of it?

Uh, yeah. I have the Genius edition at home.

It's Genus. There's no "I". There's an "I" in genius.

Yeah, well, Brent and Hank haven't even heard of it.

Sure they have. Hank has Trivial Pursuit Jr.

He's still not very good at it.

Really?

Brent's had Trivial Pursuit parties at his house,

before you moved here.

I think they were before you moved here.

Pretend I never mentioned the parties.

I have another idea for your back.

No need.

After the redness went down and my skin stopped burning

with the intensity of a thousand suns,

my back started to feel much better.

Well, that's good news. Can you stack the wiper fluid?

Can I ever.

Great. I'll be next door. Okay.

I'm just glad Karen didn't damage you with her "science."

That quack? No, no.

It was all you and your bucket of hot crap.

That crap? No, no.

It was all you and your savage spine twisting.

Oh, good. Because I was worried Emma's thing was gonna k*ll you.

That was insane.

No. Thanks to you, my back feels like a million bucks.

Stop braggin' about your back,

Here's my secret, hard candy.

Most people use cheese as bait. Most people are stupid.

Mice like candy.

Okay. But before you do this, I'm going to show you a little

re-enactment of what it's gonna be like for the mouse.

This is the mouse. That's a breadstick.

Let's pretend it's a mouse. And this is the mousetrap.

What are ya pretendin' that is? A mousetrap.

Slow down.

[high voice] Okay, kids, I'm off to get us some food.

Try and find some hard candy.

Who's sayin' that? His kids.

Oh. So there's other breadsticks.

[high voice] Okay, here I go. I'm sure nothing bad will happen.

What, with me only four days from retirement. Ya-hoo!

Do dee do, dee do, dee do, do.

[snap!]

The end. Oh, no!

See? It's sad, isn't it?

No. While I was watchin' your stupid puppet show,

the mouse stole all the candy!

Oh, he's clever. Good job, Squeaky.

So, I just found out something kinda neat.

I don't know, you guys might find it trivial.

But Karen told me you've both played Trivial Pursuit before.

She's lying. Who's Karen?

And you've had Trivial Pursuit parties at your house,

which I obviously wasn't invited to.

Those were before you moved here.

Hah! So you admit you've had Trivial Pursuit parties.

No. I mean, I've had parties at my house, where there were board games,

some of which may or may not have involved trivia.

And you know, we pursued the answers.

It-it--a little help?

No, you're doin' great.

You guys have been yankin' my chain this whole time.

Oh, okay. Ding, we're out.

She caught on at : a.m.,

which means she bought it for hours and minutes.

What are you talking about?

Hank and I did invent a new game,

but the game we invented is called Gulla-Baloney.

The object of the game is to see how long

you can make someone believe something unbelievable,

like never having heard of Trivial Pursuit before.

I thought we were callin' it GullaBull, like bull.

No, Gulla-Baloney It's more fun.

Gulla-Baloney!

How's that more fun? Which one do you like better?

I hate you both equally.

Hey, Karen.

Good news about Wanda's back.

Sure is.

So, no hard feelings?

Why would I have hard feelings?

My homemade poultice did the trick.

Not according to Wanda.

She said you were insane and a hillbilly.

I was just talking to Wanda and she said, and I quote,

my "wonderful medicine" is what fixed her.

Whatever primes your still, Jethro.

It was my physio that fixed her.

Well, she called you a quack, a stupid quacky jerk.

Her words.

It doesn't look like you're feelin' better.

You sound like you're still in pain.

Just resting with my back up against the wall.

If you're feelin' better, let's see ya stand up on your own.

Fine.

Ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow!

Ta-daaah.

I knew it. You're not feeling better.

Karen did this to you, didn't she?

It was Emma May's swamp goo. You're lucky to be alive!

I'm kinda wishing I wasn't.

You guys want anything else?

Hm, I'm cravin' some vanilla ice cream.

Ooo, sorry.

I don't have any vanilla ice cream.

Aw.

I don't carry it here, because, uh, I'm deathly allergic to it.

Oh, yeah.

You know, even if a little bit of vanilla ice cream

comes in contact with my skin, I could die.

You were eating vanilla ice cream in here yesterday.

Ha-haah! I got ya!

That guy's eatin' vanilla ice cream right over there.

You maybe need to practice this a bit.

Oh, you guys. You can dish it out, but you can't take it.

Can ya dish out some vanilla ice cream?

Have you seen my traps?

No. But I see you have a hole in your pants.

[knocking]

[muffled] I'm confiscating these.

You've gone skating with thieves?

Potential m*rder weapons.

I have other traps, jackass!

Hey, have we got a bucket here,

or a bucket and some string, or a box and some thread,

or some kinda container that can hold a mouse

and some kind of long strand

that triggers the container to catch that mouse?

I'm trying to catch a mouse.

I don't know. But let me try something on you.

[Davis grunts] [cr*ck!]

What was that?

That means it's working. How do ya feel?

If I say good, will you let me leave?

I'm goin' out to buy some different traps.

If you see that mouse, don't k*ll it.

It's between him and me now. It's personal.

I've been working here for years and I've never seen one mouse.

I think you might be wrong about this, you know,

how you're wrong about everything?

This is just another one of those.

Not this time.

Okay.

Go get him, k*ller.

Bring me back some morphine.

Oh.

There is a mouse.

Uh-uh, don't come over here.

Shoo!

Get lost!

Go!

Geez, you are cute.

Did you just pee on me?

What's that?

It's a catch and release safety trap.

Well, it looks like a cardboard box.

That's what I want the mouse to think,

it's just a cardboard box.

And where's your partner, Officer Backcracker?

How did ya know she cracked my back?

She cracked your back too? Are you in pain?

Barely felt anything. You're in shock.

So you're sayin' I'm in so much pain I don't feel any pain?

Exactly. Come with me.

I'll mix up a batch of paste for ya.,

Uh, maybe later.

Hey, you guys enjoying your coffee? Yep.

Good. Well, ya better enjoy it while ya can,

because that's the last batch there's gonna be for a while.

Yep, big embargo by all the coffee producing nations against Canada.

Apparently they don't like our foreign policies

on various things. You know?

So after today, no more coffee.

I'm just gonna smile and nod.

Hah! I sucked you in.

Sucked me into what, a conversation?

I kinda think you're missin' the point of the game.

Not from where I'm standing.

You're sitting.

Hah! I sucked you in.

All right, look.

The idea of the game is to make somebody believe something for a long time.

What you're doing is you're just verbalizing some random fib,

and if anybody in the room makes eye contact with ya, ya scream "Hah!"

Oh, okay, fine. I can play it your way too.

You know, if that's the way you--oh, my gosh!

Robbers just broke into Corner Gas

and they're getting away with your cash register.

I'm gonna go call the police.

She has to be stopped.

Every time she yells "Hah!" she spits a little bit.

I know. The whole while I was talkin' to her,

I was dyin' to clean my glasses.

Holy hell, what is that stink?

Smells like you're boiling fish heads and gasoline.

It's medicinal.

It's got tea tree oil and liniment.

And gasoline?

Let me try a little bit of this on you.

I'm not your guinea pig. Test it on yourself.

I'll try a little on my wrist. It's good for arthritis.

How's it feel?

It's a little warm,

but that means it's working.

Okay, now it's really working.

Now it's really, really working!

Oh, I-I better wash this off!

Well, what do ya expect? It's got gasoline in there.

Hey, Emma.

Been trying your hillbilly remedies at home, I see?

This has nothing to do with my medical paste.

I b*rned it... making toast.

Right.

Get stuffed.

Hey, Karen, I forgot my wallet.

Can you go in there and pay for my pop?

No. I'm still having trouble moving.

Still? I guess it's the last time you try liftin' me.

Hah!

Too late, Doolittle.

I just set up the ultimate mousetrap.

I got it at a yard sale.

O-kay.

I think the scuba diver has to face backward.

You use that hi-tech one and I'll set up one of my own.

[scoffs] Good luck.

What's this? Are you guys runnin' a daycare?

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

No. Don't touch me. It's my back.

Oh. Well, I won't touch you, then.

People should not mess around with someone whose back is out. That's just stupid.

Oh, you're tellin' me.

Anyone who would let an untrained person try and fix their back

is just a brainless moron, a stupid idiotic bonehead.

Okay, you made your point.

You guys, Wanda's really hurt.

Oh, really?

Is there a chiropractor in town?

You know what, I'm gonna go get the phone book.

I know she's makin' this up. Wanda can't shut up about how good her back feels.

At least she hasn't spit on us yet.

Let's pretend we believe her for a while so she'll think she got us.

It's the only way she'll stop.

Okay, you two go head over there and make sure no one moves her.

Roger that. That's good medical advice.

Yeah, we'll, uh, head right over there, because we believe you.

Hey, you guys, I'm not kidding.

I know. That's probably why we believe you so much.

DAVIS: Hey, the box dropped! I caught him!

I hope he's not hurt. I hate to see somethin' suffer.

Yeah, that would be too bad.

Hey, little fella.

You okay?

He is kinda cute.

No.

Fine. But only because he's a cunning adversary

and so close to retirement.

But I want him run out of town.

Deal.

Come on, Squeaky.

So I wait here, then?

Oh, no, Hank. It appears as though Wanda's hurt.

Holy smokes. You think it's her back?

Yes, it's my back.

Gosh, I thought it was cured.

I was lying.

Oh, she was lying.

It's killin' me.

But just let me lie here a while. Don't touch me.

No, of course not.

[in unison] Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.

What are you doing? Oh, here we go.

We're trying to fix Wanda's back and it was okay all along.

Yeah, ya got us good this time. No need to spit in our faces.

Oh, you idiots. This wasn't part of that stupid game.

Her back is really hurt.

[Wanda groans]

Really? Uh-oh.

I should call a doctor.

Yeah, 'cause she's gonna k*ll us.

No one's gonna k*ll ya.

I should give ya a b*ating out of principle, but I won't,

because my back's feeling better.

Are you sure you're okay?

I don't know what these morons did, but it fixed my back.

I knew it would. I spent years in Tibet studying with monks--

Oh, shut up.

All right, then.

So long, soldier. Take care, little fella.

Hope you find a lotta cheese out there.

They actually prefer candy.

So long, Squeaky.

May the wind always be at your back, and may--

[flapping]

Hooty, no!

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪