05x10 - Knit Wit of the Month

[bunniefuu]

Chu, chu, chu, chu, chuuu.

Chu, chu, chu, chu, chu, chu, chu, chu, chu, chuuu.

[gravel scattering]

Yep, yep.

Yep, yup, yep, ye-up, ye-up, ye-up.

[imitates insect buzzing]

You should get a hobby.

Sure. But who's got the time?

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

Look at Phil.

What employer has a staff appreciation lunch for one employee?

That is so lame.

Normally saying lame is kinda lame.

But in this case you're right.

Oh, and he wants me to serve this: "We're great!"

It should read, "We're lame."

That is so lame.

What employee would not see through a moist

chocolate layered charade like that?

A paycheque for a job well done

is all the dessert a staff needs.

Amen, sister.

If there's any charade left over, Okay.

Hey-aay.

Look who's bein' appreciated.

Whoo-hoo!

All right!

I can't find the Senior's b*at column.

Where's that stupid woman's column?

Her obituary's on the front page.

Oh, she writin' those now? Good for her.

Who's gonna write the Senior's b*at?

How am I supposed to know what the seniors are doin'?

One of them's driving me nuts.

See? That's the kinda thing that should be in the paper.

Okay. I'll talk to Gus at the Howler.

Maybe I'll recommend Delores Baxter to take over the column.

Delores Baxter's a crackpot.

Well, maybe Cathy Taylor, then. She's crappy.

Wes Baxter? Wes Baxter's married to the crackpot.

Fine. I'll do it myself. I didn't ask you.

Too late.

Hey, Emma, I'm looking for the model train club.

Oh, it got cancelled. There was a derailment.

No one was hurt.

Ahh. I'm lookin' for a hobby.

I mean that seemed perfect. Models and trains.

Did any of the models show up?

Would you like to join our club?

We're the Knit Wits.

Oh, yeah? What do you do?

We knit.

He doesn't know how to knit. So goodbye, Hank.

I could learn. Or leave.

Ah, it doesn't seem so hard.

You just move those needles around till ya make that ball, right?

[laughter]

That's not a joke. He thinks that's how you really knit.

Here. I have some spare needles and some wool.

Yeah?

Okay, ladies, let's get our knit on.

What the heck's that? What?

That.

The wall?

On the wall. Paint?

We're gonna get to it eventually.

Ah, all right. I put it up. Big deal.

I mean what's wrong with a little employee recognition?

But we had a pact, a no lameness pact. Remember?

I called you sister. We made fun of their stupid cake,

which was delicious, by the way.

You don't understand.

Josh was whining about the whole employee appreciation thing.

Phil is not that great of a boss, ya know?

I'm a better boss than he is. I'm a pretty good boss. Right?

Hey, how would you like it if I made you Employee of the Month?

And I have to admit, since I put that picture on the wall,

it's been pretty good for morale.

Hey, Josh-aroo.

Hey, Lace-aroo.

[clicks tongue]

I think I'm gonna lose my lunch-aroo.

Emma,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

What loss?

Well, Oscar. He's dead.

What are you talking about?

Well, he hasn't called with any complaints,

so what else could it be?

And that's your evidence?

No proof, no witnesses, maybe a body?

Well, tell us your big theory, then.

He's writing the Senior's b*at for the Howler.

What happened to Mrs. O'Hanlon? She d*ed.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, no, it's great that Oscar's busy, not that she d*ed.

Although, he wouldn't have the job if she was still alive.

So I guess it is great that she's dead.

We should go now.

Boy, did I just have an embarrassing conversation.

This guy came in and he was like,

"Hey, did you see that picture of Josh over at The Ruby?

"That's pretty crazy.

I mean if anybody deserves something like that, that is you,"

is what he said.

And I was like

"Pblllf-fft. I don't need that kinda stuff to justify

all the hard work I do around here."

Who were you havin' this conversation with?

It doesn't matter who it was with.

Or what mirror it was in the washroom?

The walls are pretty thin in here, ya know?

Oh, that guy also wanted to know what kinda gift you were getting me?

Tell that guy, nothing.

That guy also thinks you're a tool.

Hey, Oscar, I can't find your column.

It's right there, ya jackass.

"Senior's b*at by Oscar Leroy.

Pot luck sucks!"

Where's the column? That is the column.

That's it? Yeah. Why go on about it?

Wow. Can't wait to find out what sucks next.

Well, you can go on waitin', 'cause I quit.

That sucks.

Hey, hey, hey.

What's up, my knitters?

Oh, what's that stitch you're doin'?

Knit one, pearl two, repeat.

Oh. Then what do ya do?

Repeat.

[loudly] I said, then what do you do?

[normal volume] She can't hear too good, huh?

We were just leaving. Better repeat that for--oh.

We just got here. And now we're leaving.

All right. We'll catch ya at the next meeting, ladies.

Uh, where is that, by the way?

You know, at the place.

What time? That's right.

You can't quit your column.

Yes, I can. The Howler's got too many rules.

"It's gotta be longer." "Write to deadline." "Don't eat my sandwich."

You at someone's sandwich? Only one bite.

Beside, I'd rather complain to people face to face.

No, no, no, no. Don't do that.

Hey, we'll help ya write them.

We'll type them up. Well, Karen will type.

Because Davis can't. He didn't need to know that.

Look at that picture up there, just mocking me.

Believe me, you don't want one of those.

It's only a matter of time till somebody draws a moustache or blacks out the teeth.

Hey, Lacey, ya got a marker?

Well, I guess some employers aren't as thoughtful as others,

huh, Wanda?

Yeah. I guess they have trouble showing their appreciation to their employees.

Employee.

Come on, Brent. Don't you want to show people that you're a good employer?

Oh, of course I do.

Nice, huh?

Maybe we should have some cake.

Hey, Brent, have you seen your mom?

Lots of times.

Oh. I'm supposed to be knittin' with her.

Oh, hey, congratulations.

Is that award, uh, local or province wide?

It might be national.

Brent hung it up. He gave it to himself.

She's just jealous she didn't get one.

Well, don't worry. There's always next month.

I don't mean to interrupt your tea party, but I just

wanted to point out that once again the employee

is doing the actual work, while Captain Dinkus McDoofus,

the crappiest employer of all time, sits on his lazy can.

Duly noted.

You know, that should be my award.

You don't even work here.

Geez, maybe I should hire Josh.

The Employer and Employee of the Month together. [whistles]

That would be one hell of a month.

Oh!

And I said to him, "It's a side plate. It's supposed to be smaller."

[knocking]

Hey, hey, hey. [chuckles]

There you guys are. I was lookin' all over town for ya.

Didn't you get my message that we changed the place?

No, no. I'm such a knit wit.

Get it?

Well, I guess we should be going.

Oh.

Goodbye, Emma.

Ah, well, I guess it's just you and me.

I got knitter's cramp. Bye.

Oh. But, uh, look, I need your help.

Just show me a couple stitches. I want to knit a toaster cozy.

A toaster cozy?

Yeah. It's like tea cozy, you know, keep your toaster warm.

Okay, I'll give you a minute.

But no yapping.

Oscar yaps on and on when I knit. Drives me crazy.

Like the other day,

I asked him to pull some weeds in the garden.

So he tries to convince me we should just turn it into a weed garden,

that way we wouldn't have to pull the weeds out at all.

So I said to him, "Oh, yeah, that'll be nice. What if we get thistles..."

...then he said, "Well, I'm like the banker in Mary Poppins." Mm-hmm.

And I said, "What's that got to do with anything?"

Uh-huh.

Then he said he found the quarter under the couch, "Finders keepers."

And then I say I gotta get goin'. It's late.

What? Oscar didn't say that.

Oh. Well, same time tomorrow?

Uh? Yeah, sure. I'll, um, I'll meet ya at the place.

What place?

My place. Dammit. I mean not my place. Bye.

Okay, Blondie, read it back to me.

Ah, "Oscar's List of Things That Suck: cold coffee,

"shovelling snow, cats pooping on lawns,

and ballroom dancing."

Okay, I like the cats pooping on my lawn thing.

Thoughts? Comments?

What do ya think, Davis? You've been pretty quiet.

Well, what about my garbage can idea?

Feels like it's been done before. I like Blondie's cat poop thing.

Maybe we can add some stuff about dog poop as well.

That's pretty annoying. Too broad.

Dogs pooping in garbage cans.

We're stickin' with Karen's cat story.

Type it up, uh, add some more words to it and make it longer.

I'm goin' for a nap.

And put some stuff about garbage cans in it too.

Just wanna let ya know that I'm no longer upset

you didn't make me Employee of the Month.

Glad that's over.

Yeah. I don't need some crappy picture on the wall

to make me feel good about myself.

Oh, my gosh!

I am Customer of the Month!

Yes! Whoo!

Customer of the Month, of the month, of the month, month, month. Yes!

A good employer recognizes both her employees and her customers.

But as Employer of the Month, you'd know that.

So what is this, some kinda payback?

No. Wanda is a great customer.

You're sittin' on my stool, pal. Mo it or lose it.

Ooah! There's a cockroach in my food!

What?

[laughs] Just jokin'. It's rubber.

[loud, long belch]

We have winner!

Yeah, she's a real dream.

I woulda thought I was the obvious choice.

Most of the forks here have moulded to the shape of my hand.

Ooh. Does my choice bug you?

Are you bugged? You looked bugged.

Move it or lose it, pal.

I'm good here.

[knocking]

[knocking continues]

We need to talk.

Emma drives us crazy.

She goes on and on about Oscar.

This whole time I thought you didn't like me.

Oh, we're not crazy about you, but you're better than Emma.

[knocking]

Oh, no! It's Yabbermouth!

Is there another way out?

The back.

Come on. Come with us.

She's already seen me. Ah, you go.

We'll remember this.

Hey. Emma.

Oscar, the latest Senior's b*at was terrific,

the way you covered all the angles of cats and their poop.

I'm glad ya liked it.

I mean I'm sure Oscar's glad that you liked it.

I thought the cat poop story left me wanting more.

Dog poop totally unexplored, don't ya think?

I don't know. I look forward to the next one.

Maybe it should be about garbage cans.

Whatever.

I swear to God, if you mention garbage cans one more time!

Fitzy seemed real excited about it.

If I let ya write it, will ya shut up?

I'm on it.

So I find out he's hiding his vitamins under the mattress.

There must have been of them there.

Uh-huh.

He denies putting them there.

And I said, "Who put them there, the Vitamin Fairy?"

Uh-huh.

What are ya knitting?

Uh-huh.

Oh. Uh, what?

Oh, uh, it's a scarf.

Oh, I thought you were knitting a toaster cozy.

[muffled talking]

You inspired me to try something different.

Hey.

So, you weren't in The Ruby for lunch today.

Oh, you noticed?

Yeah, I, uh, I've been brown baggin' it lately.

I didn't think ya needed me,

with your Customer of the Month pickin' up the slack.,

How's that workin' out, by the way?

Good. Good.

[laughs]

No, seriously, the burger's undercooked.

Sounds like it's workin' out good.

Sure is.

What kinda sandwich is that?

It's a pickle and jam.

Because that's all you have left in your fridge, right?

No. Because it's a sweet and salty delight.

Well, enjoy your sweet and salty delight.

Impossible not to.

What does Oscar hate about garbage cans?

What if he starts out hating them and ends up liking them?

Aah, it doesn't sound like Oscar.

It's a journey.

Man hates garbage can, man learns to live with garbage can,

man likes garbage can.

[phone ringing]

This isn't a Disney film, this is Oscar.

[ringing] Man hates garbage, man hates garbage, man hates garbage can.

[ringing continues]

They're not answering.

Did you tell them we've been robbed?

I didn't tell them anything, because they're not answering.

Here you go, chili cheese dog.

I ordered a salad.

Well, you have to start eating more, like Brent.

Why?

I didn't realize how much The Ruby depended on him on slow days.

I mean that man can pack it away.

Oh, I'm talkin' like he can eat.

I mean he can really pack it away.

Okay, no problem.

But does he eat a chili dog every day?

Oh.

Plus pie.

Not a piece of pie, a pie.

Wow. That's some--

Wow.

Well, I'm sure it won't be a problem for Customer...

of the Month.

Do we have any Pepto-Bismol, maybe some ENO?

Why? Do you have heartburn from eating a chili cheese dog?

No. Why would you say that?

Because I can smell it on ya. Come here.

Say, "Hot Hawaiian hoola hoops."

Is that coleslaw?

Ah, I don't have time for this.

I gotta get back to The Ruby, and [groans] eat some more.

Yeah, well, stop by and work sometime.

[stomach growling]

Oh, easy, big fella.

Hey, Oscar, can ya write an article about how

the Dog River Police Department doesn't respond to seniors' calls?

Okay, I have our next story.

It's gonna be about how the Dog River Police are screwin' up.

But we're about to cr*ck the garbage can story.

Can you believe this guy?

Welcome to my hell.

Wait. Did you say Dog River Police?

Yeah. Start typin', Blondie.

Dog River Police Ignore Seniors.

I don't hear any typing. Are you ignoring me?

I'm not typing that. Why?

Because I'm a cop. Fine.

Davis, you want it?

Well, I could probably make it work.

But we are cops.

People need to know this stuff, Karen.

Well, I can't do it. I quit.

As a cop and a journalist, I have more integrity than that.

And I'm takin' a copy of the cat poop column for my mom.

There you are.

When are we getting together to knit?

The other women said they can't make it.

Between you and me, I think they don't like you.

Oh, um,

Emma, actually, I won't be able to knit with you anymore either.

Uh, I got a job. A job?

You? A job? You?

YeahIt's a great opportunity.

Shovel this pile of chicken manure from here

to the other pile and mix it with the pig manure.

[flies buzzing] I'll take it.

Then I want you to shovel the cow and horse manure over here,

where the chicken manure used to be. I said I'll take it.

I'll miss knitting with you.

Yes, I'm sure you will.

[flies buzzing]

And he has this thing about washing Uh-huh.

He won't wash them, but he has no trouble getting them dirty.

Oscar, what happened to the Senior's b*at?

It made no sense.

First you hate the cops, then you like the cops.

And there was this garbage can thing in the middle.

It was like a monkey wrote it.

A monkey didn't write it. I wrote it.

You wrote it? A monkey wrote it.

Oscar, is this true?

No. Davis wrote it.

You write the Senior's b*at yourself,

or I'll recommend someone else.

Okay. Davis, you're fired.

No more. My gut's on fire.

Cool it down with some nice pie and ice cream.

But I don't like pie.

You are Customer of the Month. Suck it up.

[scoffs] Half a chili cheese dog.

Pretty light eating for Customer of the Month.

It's my second.

You've been here an hour. I'd have been on my fifth--

Ooo, is that pie?

Maybe you'd like to finish the rest of it.

No, I brought my own lunch.

Mmm. What ya got there, pickles and jam again?

No. Another taste sensation. Olives and sour cream.

All right.

Down the hatch, both of you.

Okay. Here I go.

[ominous music]

[growling]

Maybe we can work somethin' out.

Aren't ya gonna congratulate me?

Congratulate yourself.

I got a chili cheese dog to eat, well, the first of five.

I heard Wanda's Employee of the Month.

Yeah. She's got her picture up there and everything.

So, smells like the new manure job's goin' well.

Yeah. Thankfully your mom got fired for talkin' too much.

Hmm. I wonder who she's gonna talk to now.

He'd been looking kinda peaked for a long time

and it turns out he'd been hiding all the vitamin pills under his mattress.

Slow down. These stories are gold.

Now, what was this jackass's name, again?

Uh... Bob.

Where's the B on this thing?

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪