05x11 - Top Gum

[bunniefuu]

[metal scraping on gravel]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are ya goin' with that?

I'm takin' it for a walk.

Oh.

I'm throwing it out, Hank. The knob's broken.

Hey, if I fix it, can I have it?

You can have it even if you don't fix it.

I don't know why you'd want it.

Nobody chews gum from a machine anymore.

It's all Arctic Freeze or Cinnamon Swirly Punch.

Hey, remember what chewing gum was like when we were kids?

Good gumballs, eh, Lacey?

Hmm. I didn't grow up here, Hank.

Hmm, who am I thinkin' of?

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

We r really appreciate your help. Okay.

What was that about?

Terry wants my help digging a well.

Oh, I didn't know you could run an auger.

I can't. I know it sounds strange, but I can find water.

That doesn't sound so strange.

So can I. See? Water.

No. You walk around with divining rods

and when they cross, that's where you dig.

It's called water divination.

I've heard of that. So you're some kinda water witch.

I'm not a witch. It's a simple skill your grandfather taught me.

I can't figure out how to do this. Here, you try.

She's a witch!

My father got teased a lot.

Well, people can be cruel.

Hey, she's a witch.

See?

You know you live in a small town when people

don't even write their phone numbers on the board.

You don't want to overwhelm the buyers with details.

What's that house like, anyway?

It's in a good neighbourhood, well, the only neighbourhood.

[all chuckle]

Close to downtown.

[all chuckle]

Walking distance to bar and restaurant.

[Lacey chuckles]

What, you have to be from here to make a small town joke?

So it would seem.

I've always wanted to fix up a house and sell it again, like on those flippy shows.

The fact that you called them flippy shows

makes me think it's not a good idea.

Lacey is a strong, determined woman.

If she wanted to flip a house, [snaps fingers]

she could flip a house.

Thank you, Wanda.

She's only saying that because she's selling Bernie's house for him.

You're a real estate agent?

Not as such. But Bernie trusts me.

I've handled sales for him before.

Who's selling the toaster? That's Bernie's. He wants a buck for it.

Seventy-five cents? Where are we, Mexico? I said a buck.

That's hardly the same as selling a house.

A toaster is just a house for bread.

Am I wrong?

Yeah.

What are you doin'?

Startin' my own business, a gumball business probably.

What makes you think you can make any money?

Well, there's this old saying.

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

But teach a man to feed a fish and round and round we go."

You've never run a business in your life.

Like you have.

Yeah. It's called Corner Gas, number one gas station in town.

Well, the gumball business is very different.

For example, instead of gas, it's gum.

Good luck, genius.

So, what's new?

Nothin' much.

Oh, my mom's a witch.

I know. The other day she just about bit my head off.

No, I said witch, a water witch.

She can find water using sticks.

That's weird.

What's weird?

You're weird, you and your water devastation thing.

She got teased as a kid.

Oh, back then people could be insensitive.

So I guess that makes you a son of a witch.

People are more mature now.

Can you give me a ride out to Terry's farm?

Sure. What's the matter, your broom in the shop?

Be sure to try my gum before you go.

It's only a quarter.

Fresh gum, tasty... gummy-gum.

Gummy-gum? Man, your business is gonna t*nk.

Maybe you should be selling suckers.

No, the sticks would get stuck in the dispenser.

Oh, that was an insult.

Fine, how would you do it?

Start with a better name, anyway.

Corner Gum?

Yeah. But I spelt the word "gum" with gum.

How did you make it stick?

It's gum.

Well, it's got potential. It's got tons of potential.

It's dripping with huge gobs of potential.

Eeeww. Nice.

Forget the gobs thing. It's a great house.

But I should tell you, there's another offer on it.

Now, personally, I would rather see you in it than them.

You said the same thing to me minutes ago.

I told you to wait in the car.

What are you doing? Hangin' out at Corner Gum.

We're not gonna make money standin' around readin' comics.

It works for Brent. Hey, guys.

What we need is a hook.

Yeah. Or maybe a catchy jingle, you know, something like:

♪ Hank and Oscar's old fashioned gum ♪

♪ Have a chew and enjoy the... ♪

♪ rest of your daa-aaay ♪♪

Yeah. A good hook is what we need.

OSCAR: Hey, look at Karen.

I saw the house first.

Yeah? Like you can afford it.

You got lots of money. Up your offer to prove her wrong.

You don't even know how to flip a house.

Show him you can, by adding a thousand to your bid.

It is a lot of money. Not that much.

What if we went in on this together?

Okay, I should point out that many business partnerships end in court.

We wouldn't have to outbid each other.

Some get violent.

We could save thousands of dollars.

Some end in m*rder.

What the heck. Let's do it.

I'm sorry, I can't let you do this, in good conscience.

Fine. We won't buy the house, then.

I think you are going to be very happy with your new house.

How would you like to show the kids how to blow bubbles at Corner Gum?

[pop]

Yeah, but nothin' fancy, just a good old fashioned bubble.

Don't be makin' poodles or giraffes or anything.

Look, I appreciate the offer, but I got more important things to do.

Police work.

Excuse me, officer. Can I get a picture of you with my kid?

Sure. I'm not doing anything.

But you have to buy Hey, yeah.

Hey, everybody.

Buy a gumball and get a free picture with Officer Karen,

the gum chewin' cop.

Do I get a cut?

Shut up and blow.

So, how does this work? Do you wiggle your nose or do you summon some spirits--

Wow. That is so cool that you can do that.

Do you mind if my niece watches? No.

Hear that? She thinks it's cool.

GIRL: Have you always been able to do this, um--

Water deviation? Yeah, it kinda runs in the family.

Normally I would do this, but I like to give her some practice.

You know, I'm not feeling it today.

Why don't you give it a try, Hotshot?

Hey, I didn't hire an amateur.

Yeah, didn't you hear what she called me? Hotshot.

That's my nickname down at the water finding shop.

All right, I don't want to freak you non-water finders out,

but what happens here is these two thingies cross, sometimes.

Oh, give me those.

Oh, wait. They just moved.

They did? I mean, don't be frightened. That's what they do.

Hey, I think you just found us some water.

That's what I do.

How about you, miss? Do you need any water found today?

Oh, no thanks.

That's you on the make?

No wonder I have no grandchildren.

Yeah, I'm thinking of getting my own set of rods.

Not that I really need them,

but the family rods are a little old, kinda used.

That's pretty cool.

I think it's kinda spooky. He's like a man witch.

I could go for one of those.

Maybe not a man witch, more like a warlock.

A warlock? You mean like Harry Potter? That's awesome.

Brent's a son of a witch.

That means you're a witch.

She's a witch.

Congratulations, you two.

Here are the keys to your new house.

Oh, and here's my card.

I hope you'll consider me when you resell it.

This is a reminder for a dental appointment.

Well, it's got my number on it.

This is gonna be great. I'm so excited!

What have I done, buying a house to flip?

What was I thinking?

Oh, come on. You've just got the post-purchase jitters.

Yeah, I guess all couples go through this.

We're not a couple.

But, yes. And this house is great.

Good roof, new plumbing, great kitchen. Okay?

Yeah. You're right. This is kind of a charming little place.

Oh, yeah, we're gonna flip this piece of crap so fast.

[clapping]

And stay in school.

How did I do?

Okay. Um, what was with the hand flourish?

I thought I'd jazz it up a little.

You're drawin' attention away from the gum.

We're not sellin' mittens.

Hank's right. It's about the gum.

I thought next time I'd do more positive messages,

you know, inspire the young people.

Diva.

Look, just stick with the program.

Yeah, blow bubbles and look good.

So that's all I am, a pretty face?

No. You're a pretty face behind a big bubble.

DAVIS: You were right.

Painting calmed me right down.

And the colour you picked for the bedroom, perfect.

Ah, well, it was easy.

I just studied a dozen swatches, painted sample boards

of three shades, placed them in the room at different times of day

to see the way the light danced across them. No biggie.

Beautiful. It's gonna be great to wake up to.

You mean someone else waking up to it?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Oh, man, we're makin' a killin'.

At this rate, you can retire tomorrow.

I am retired, ya idiot.

Yeah? Well, how would you like to retire again?

How would you like to turn your profits

into a lucrative real estate investment?

Real estate's too slow. Yeah, gum's the new gold.

If you change your mind, I'll be here in my office.

Holy hell!

Whoa! Wow! Way cool.

I decided to get my pretty face out from behind the bubble.

You guys don't mind a little competition, do ya?

HANK: Different coloured gum, sh**t and spirals.

It's a circus. It doesn't know what it wants to be.

Cool!

Dinner and a show.

And then this chill-- no, it was more like a jolt.

This chilly jolt ran up my spine and then the rods crossed.

Interesting.

If you made enough money doing this water thing,

you might be able to upgrade to a bigger home.

You haven't found water till they dig the hole, Mr. Chilly Jolt.

I prefer Hotshot. But if you need proof, I guess we could

go out there and check on how the digging's going.

You just want to see Jennifer.

[singsongy voice] Ooo-ooo-ooo, Jennifer.

Brent has a crush on Jennifer.

[serious voice] Is she in the market for a new house?

Geez, you've gotta let that go.

You're not even a real estate agent, not a real, real estate agent.

You're like a fake estate agent.

Yeah? Well, it's better than being a fake man witch.

Come on, Hotshot. Let's go check for some water.

Sounds good. Let me just grab a quick shower and shave first.

You know, for the drive.

Wow. That is somethin'.

Oh, I know. It's misty grey for the window trim.

Actually, I wa looking at the view.

Well, it's misty grey, in case you're wondering.

Imagining our kids playing in the yard.

Our kids?

Oh, no, I'm not saying "our kids."

I'm saying the kids that you're gonna have

and the kids that I'm gonna have, separately.

Okay. Davis, we need to talk.

Don't tell me you're not having kids.

Who are my kids gonna play with?

Were not having kids, okay?

Well, I mean maybe someday I might, if I meet Mr. Right,

or even just a nice, stable guy.

My point is, we are not doing anything in this house.

We are flipping this house. You got it?

Well, I'm not saying right away.

BOY: Hey, it's the gum lady!

Hey, you crazy little gum chewers.

Are you stayin' outta trouble, doin' your homework?

What? Never mind.

What do ya say we go get us some gum over at The Chewby?

That's what I call my machine.

It's like The Ruby, but it's a gum machine, so I--

let's just go get some gum.

BOY: No offence, but

we don't believe in chewing gum that's been tested on animals.

Tested on animals?

Cruelty free gum?

You should be ashamed of your gum.

But my gum is fine.

Yeah, sure, if you like hurtin' puppies.

That's not true. I like puppies.

You hear that? She likes eatin' puppies. [gasping]

This is slander.

Whatever, bunny kicker.

Is everyone here?

I just want to make sure we're not missing somebody who should be here.

He means Jennifer.

Oh. She's around here somewhere.

Should we wait, do ya think, or--

Hup!

I think we hit something.

Oh, you hear that, Mom? We hit something.

I wonder if I should have the first drink.

What's that smell? It's called Axe.

I think we hit an old septic t*nk.

Oh, congratulations, you found sewage.

Do you still want the first drink?

Oh, that's the worst thing I've ever smelled.

Now she shows up.

The good news is they won't be calling you warlock anymore.

They'll be calling you a crap finder.

You're not gonna tell anybody about this, are ya?

No, of course not.

Well, maybe I made one call.

And this is the living room.

These are our sellers. They love this house.

Yeah, we hate to give it up.

Did you check out the bedrooms?

One of them would make a great nursery.

Yeah. We're gonna turn it into a home office, if we buy.

So you're not having children?

No. Is the basement finished?

With a little work, it'll make a great rec room.

Yeah. You can barely tell

that anything horrific happened down there.

Oh, don't worry, it was a long time ago.

And as far as violent crimes go, you can hardly see the stains.

[nervous laugh]

He is a real kidder, and a pathological liar.

Anyways, you know what is a crime?

The size of the bedroom closets.

Ow! Scoot.

What is with her?

Ow!

What are you doing?

They're not right for the house.

They're just heartless profiteers who want to buy it and flip it.

That's what we're trying to do.

Hey, there, youngsters.

More quality old fashioned gumballs comin' your way.

Remember, the more you chew, the less you talk.

No, thanks. Your gum exploits children.

Fair trade gum.

My gum's sweatshop free. It's made for kids, not by kids.

You can't prove that. Can she?

Kids made our gum?

Can I bring them through,

or is Stephen King gonna tell more bedtime stories?

We've talked. Everything's fine.

And this is our very spacious living room.

Where nothing strange has ever happened.

This place is perfect for kids.

My thoughts exactly.

We'd have to repaint it. This yellow is an odd choice.

I know. Some people's tastes, yeeuch!

Anyways, that can be changed.

No, it can't.

Sure it can. You just paint over it.

First of all, it's not yellow.

It's Spanish Gold.

And second of all, we're not selling you this house.

Off ya go.

What are you doing?

I'm not selling to those people.

She wouldn't know Spanish Gold if a Spaniard walked up to her,

saying, "Here, have some gold."

All right, listen up, you psychos.

Get it together or get yourself another real estate agent.

You mean a real, real estate agent?

Hey, I'm as real as it gets without actually having any credentials.

Hey, I need to use your bathroom.

You think maybe you could use your fancy rods to help me find it?

Wait, I'm sensing some crap right now.

It's coming from your mouth.

What did you tell my customers this time?

Food poisoning, carpel tunnel jaw?

No. But those are both excellent ideas.

My gumballs aren't selling.

Don't look at me. Nobody's buying my gum either.

I wonder what's going on.

Well, the best way to solve any mystery

is to stand around here doin' nothin'.

Welcome to Gumball World.

Who are you, the Greeter?

No. I've got a deal with the Foo Mart. It's not just gum anymore.

We've got toys and stickers and gum.

I thought we had something good at Corner Gum.

Stop living in the past.

I'm thinking of adding wiper fluid and a ding-ding hose.

That's right, I'm back.

Well, you can't b*at the prices.

Some of this stuff's only cents.

But the gum tastes lousy.

That was a rubber ball, jackass.

Score!

There's also a beautiful view from the kitchen.

Come on, honey, this is a little out of our price range.

Though I do love the colour in here.

Is that Spanish Gold?

Yes. And there's Seafoam Green in the bedroom.

As you can see, the backyard has plenty of room

for your future little rugrat.

The house is perfect.

I'm just not sure that we can afford it.

Oh, what the heck. Let's do it.

What smells like sewage?

It's just sewage, harmless sewage.

It's a good thing. It keeps the raccoons away.

You have raccoons?

No, the sewage keeps them away.

Where's that coming from?

I'm not really an expert. My mom is the real talent.

Well, keep on looking, Crap Man.

Your real estate agent should have recommended a home inspection.

Hey, don't look at me. I don't have any credentials.

[knocking]

Hello. Can I help you?

Uh, we have a housewarming gift for the new owners.

We are the new owners.

No, no, a different couple bought the house.

She was pregnant, had a flair for colour.

Oh, no. We bought this house from them.

You did?

Yeah. We paid a little more than we wanted, but it was worth it.

All we had to do was repaint a few walls.

Oh, hey.

I didn't expect to run into you again, out here on your farm.

Anyway, uh, I was just in the neighbourhood

and I wanted to, you know, apologize for finding sewage.

No, I'm sure it happens to everyone.

I thought you were kinda cute about it.

Really?

Oh, but my boyfriend laughed his ass off.

Ah. Well, funny stuff. Boyfriend?

Hey, Jen, is that the Crap Man?

Oh-ho! Hold on, let me get my camera.

I've so gotta get a picture of the Crap Man.

So, you thought I was cute, huh?

So cute. You reminded me of my aunt. She fixed toilets.

Well, I'm glad I made the trip out.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪