05x12 - The J-Word

[bunniefuu]

So, the corrupt senator shows up near the end of the movie,

the good guy pops out of the trunk, slugs him and says,

"There was a recount. You lose."

What's your point?

You wanna figure out more cool stuff to say when you slug people?

No. My point is, there's no way he could have

got out of the trunk that fast.

Movies aren't real. We've had this discussion before.

Lock me in the trunk, see how long it takes me to get out.

Really?

If I'm not out in minutes, open 'er up.

[banging] Let me out! Let me out!

Let me out! Let me out!

How long was that?

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪,

It was scary being in that car trunk.

The closest thing I could compare it to

is being locked in some kinda trunk.

Why were you in there, again,

I mean, besides the obvious reasons?

What's an obvious reason? Ooo, did you rat on the mob?

I was just testing a theory.

But let me tell ya, once inside, time and space had no meaning.

minutes felt like an eternity.

Karen said it was like seconds.

Karen was on the other side of the trunk lid.

She wasn't what I call "in country."

You mean "in trunk"? Yeah.

Come on, let's share. Come on.

Aw! Isn't this fun?

Compared to?

I used to have Girls' Night, back home, all the time.

Would the same people ever come back a second time?

I have noticed that no one is taking advantage of Tilley,

our tarot card reader.

Are we doin' this?

Yes, we are all doing this.

Now who wants to go first?

How about we go in order of who gives a crap?

Okay. I'll go first.

Hey, jackass, did you hear about Davis?

About him bein' locked in a car trunk?

He got himself locked in the car trunk.

No, I never heard about that.

Well, he did, locked inside the trunk.

[chuckles] What a jackass.

Honestly, Dad, you gotta give that word a rest.

What word?

Jackass.

Davis is a jackass for gettin' locked in the trunk.

Yesterday the bread delivery guy was a jackass for wearin' a digital watch.

And apparently I'm a jackass just for sittin' here.

Everybody's a jackass.

I know. That's why I use the word so often.

This card is "The Lovers," meaning you will be married.

Yes!

Not that I need a man to complete me.

But yes.

You've already met him. He's dark haired.

And "The Hermit" card means he isn't working right now.

Sounds like Hank.

Mrs. Hank Yarbo. Jackpot!

Geez, this tarot stuff is fun.

It's not Hank.

Give me a name, a non-Hank name.

His name starts with the th letter of the alphabet.

R.

I do crosswords a day.

Name starts with R.

Wow, the possibilities are endless.

The world is my oyster.

What does that card mean?

It means she will never leave Dog River.

What?

Guess this isn't our last Girlie Night.

Hey, how much gas you want?

Ah, bucks worth.

Hey, Oscar, can I borrow bucks f gas? Fat chance.

Come on, man. I'm in a bit of bind, here.

He's already started pumpin' it.

You shoulda thought of that first, jackass.

Lighten up, hammerhead.

Hammerhead? What's hammerhead?

You, hammerhead.

Brent, you're goin' over the dollar mark.

This is your way of gettin' back at me for jackass.

Yeah. It's got kind of a nice ring to it, doesn't it, hammerhead?

I might have to borrow an extra $, there, hammerhead.

Only he calls me hammerhead. Stop callin' me hammerhead!

All right, fine.

See ya later, hammerhead.

I'm not responsible for that t*nk of gas.

Now, I'm not judging your trunkless life,

but since I've been out, colours are brighter,

food tastes better.

You were in there for seconds.

You're just jealous.

I've come through the other side.

No. You came out the same side you went in seconds earlier.

I left my groceries here.

That's a hammerhead move.

Stop callin' me hammerhead, ya jackass.

Stop calling me jackass, ya hammerhead.

It's disrespectful.

What do ya think jackass is?

Sorry, hammerhead, as long as you keep usin' the J-word,

I'm gonna keep droppin' the H-b*mb.

I'm not playing your stupid games. Where's my groceries?

Oh, I put those all back on the shelf.

You jackass.

Hammerhead.

I shoulda thought of this years ago.

So what's the deal, guys?

You have a tarot card party and don't invite me?

It was a Girls' Night.

We had to drink cosmos.

Aw, really?

I'm tired of Girls' Night being all frilly froo-froo crap.

Why can't a Girls' Night have some nards to it?

You heard me, nards.

Yeah, we should have another Girls' Night

that isn't so girlie.

Drink some beer, play some poker.

Smoke cigars, watch kickboxing.

Barbeque some steaks.

k*ll the cow with our bare hands.

Fine, we'll buy the steaks. But I want beer and kickboxing.

When should we do this? It's a Girls' Night.

Damn.

Do you know any dark-haired, unemployed men whose name starts with R?

Yes. Okay, my turn.

Do you know any blonde women whose name starts with Y?

No, this isn't a game.

This tarot card reader told me I was gonna marry someone

whose first name started with R.

That tarot card stuff is bunkum.

Who's got bunkum? I thought they stopped makin' that.

Lacey had her tarot cards read.

Oh, that's crappolla.

It's more bunkum, or hooey.

I don't really believe in that stuff either.

Although I do think there is some merit to astrology.

And palm reading.

And crystals can be very powerful.

Yeah, you sound like a real skeptic.

My mom was against all of it.

One time she caught me with a Ouija board and yelled,

"Richard Henry Yarbo, you get rid of that this instant!"

Richard?

Yeah.

Your first name is Richard?

Hey, yeah, Hank's first name starts with R.

Ooo-ooo, Hank's first name starts with R.

No, no, this can't be happening.

What's up with her?

Ah, we were playin' a game and she just lost,

big time.

If your first name is Richard, why do you go by Hank?

It's my middle name. Plus I hate the name Richard.

Kids would tease me.

Oh, they called you d*ck?

Why would they do that? Real nice, Lacey.

Isn't that interesting? Hank's name starts with R.

Hank, a dark-haired unemployed man whose name starts with R.

Yeah, that is kinda interesting.

If you think that's interesting--

Brent, no.

You're right. You tell it better.

Okay, you know what? Fine. It's not a big deal.

I-I saw a tarot card reader and she told me

I was gonna marry a-a dark-haired unemployed guy

whose name started with R.

You know, but that could be anybody.

Yeah, it could be anybody.

But it's obviously me.

Whoo-ooo! Hoo-hooo! Hah-hah!

Darkness,

aloneness,

caught without my cell phoneness.

What are ya doing?

I'm writing a poem to help me cope.

Has it been seconds, seconds maybe?

These are the words of Davis the Baby.

Until you've spent more than seconds in a trunk,

you've no right to add a stanza to my poem.

Close the lid.

Had enough?

No. What was that, seconds?

Once enclosed in the inky--

Shut it, your mouth and the lid.

Okay, big sh*t.

Let's see how long you can take it.

Oh, we're gonna need chips for the poker game.

Yeah, and some dip, and Cheezies.

I meant poker chips.

Sounds like you don't know much about cards.

And you're an expert.

I played with the guys a couple a weeks ago.

Now, let's play some Hold Them.

[all chuckling]

Yeah, I'm enjoying myself too.

What game is it you wanted to play, again?

Hold Them, Texas Hold Them.

[laughter]

We had lotsa laughs.

Yep, you're pretty lucky, Lacey.

You're probably thinkin', "How did I score so big?

This guy's got a truck with a full t*nk of gas."

It's just a stupid tarot card.

Okay? I have free will.

I could make any choice I want.

Yeah. She could marry me.

No. Your name has to start with R.

[phone ringing]

Ah, it must be such a relief.

No more second guessing, no more decisions,

no more waiting in restaurants for someone to show up.

I'm just saying that would be sad.

Karen just called from her cell phone.

She's stuck in the trunk of the cruiser

and she said you'd know what that meant.

Oh, geez!

I was right here the whole time.

[scoffs] What's the deal on the chocolate bars?

A buck each or for .

Well, that's more expensive.

How do you mean?

What do you mean how do I mean?

That's just stupid. Only a--

Only a what?

Oh.

I see what you're doin'.

You think you can make me say jackass.

Hammerhead.

I wasn't sayin' it.

I was sayin' you wanted me to say it, jackass!

Hammerhead.

It is such a relief to meet you.

Uh, hey, Lacey, we're outta pickles.

What are you doing? Making my lunch.

This is my restaurant.

Our restaurant. You know, -, which I think is fair,

considering you started it. I'm a reasonable life partner.

Mm, yeah, about that, I'd like you to meet Roy.

And, Roy, what letter does your name start with?

Are you serious?

R... R.

Oh, hey. Mine too. I'm Hank.

Do you have a job right now, Roy?

Like I was saying, I've just finished law school

and I'm just waiting to hear back on articling positions.

So, technically, you're unemployed.

Geez, don't be so hard on him.

Don't worry. I used to be unemployed.

Now it doesn't matter, 'cause I hooked up with Lacey.

Congratulations.

No, he didn't. Hey, lunch is on us.

Well, usually Oscar turns this knob, waits too long,

then he pushes this button

until the thing explodes into flames.

But not today.

Oh, Emma, Emma, Emma.

Let the old Barbeque Doctor take a look.

Yep. As I suspected, you're outta propane.

You should be.

If there's one thing I know, it's barbeques.

You know, most people just disconnect the t*nk

and bring that in, not the whole barbeque.

I know that.

But that can wear out the...

connecty clips to the hose nozzle.

Just fill it.

Hey, what's the name of that fellow with the farm out by the auction market?

Tom?

No, west of the auction market.

Jack Fenton. Everybody knows Jack.

That's right, good old Jack.

Hey, he's got those, uh, trees on his property, there.

What are they, birch or elm?

Ash.

He doesn't know his ash from his elms.

That's right, stupid me.

Well, now, uh, Jack's neighbour is saying

that those trees belong to him.

Well, he's wrong.

They're on Jack's property.

So they're not the neighbour's ashes, they're...

Jack's ashes.

No, Hank, he has to say it.

Is that your big trick?

How long did it take ya to think up that gem?

Never mind.

[chuckles] Oh, geez.

I'm confused.

What's new, jackass?

Hammerhead.

Dammit! You made me say jackass!

Hammerhead.

LACEY: What do we have to get in the city?

Cigars and big slabs of red meat.

Oh. Yummy.

Hey, guess what?

I met a new guy.

In Dog River?

Do I know him?

Roy.

Dark, handsome...

Roy. Is he a lawyer?

He will be soon.

Mr. Perfect sounds an awful lot like Roy Hiscock,

who's married.

But that's my Roy.

No, he's Mrs. Hiscock's Roy.

That's why they call her Mrs. Hiscock.

Well, I'm not giving up.

Just because a tarot card reader says something,

it doesn't mean it's gonna come true.

Why are we stopping? We still need to go to the city.

I'm not doing anything. "Engine failure."

Okay, what does that mean?

Oh, great.

I really am never leaving Dog River.

Why'd you call Hank?

He's yours now.

Might as well use him for something, Mrs. Yarbo.

Aren't you glad we got this reliable truck, hon?

Glad is not the word.

What are you doin' here?

Just came by to make a sandwich. You want one?

What's in it?

Turkey, swiss, lettuce, tomato, mayo.

Sounds okay.

Yeah, except instead of the squeezy bottle of mayo,

I accidentally used Mom's hand lotion.

Oh, yeah, I feel like such a-- Oh, what would you call it, a...

Moron?

No, it's not really moronic,

it's more something that would be done by a...

Pinhead?

Well, I'm gonna go ahead and eat the sandwich anyway,

because, you know, the, uh, lotion will probably

just make my insides soft and supple.

So, here I go.

Enjoy.

So once I install this, if someone gets stuck in the trunk,

they just pull the button and the lid pops.

Wow. This thing's really got ya scared now, doesn't it?

Don't rub it in, okay?

I'm sorry.

I-I can't do this.

That's all right.

We all can't face our demons head on, like I do.

You're an inspiration.

Pass me the pliers.

That's the biggest steak I've ever seen.

Not me. I've done ones twice this size on the old Q.

Q?

Short for barbeque.

Oh, that's a real timesaver.

How long do you grill it?

Hunka cow like that?

I'd say probably an hour.

Stand back, Doctor Barbeque!

Wait! It's only been minutes!

This is broken too!

[extinguisher whooshing]

Thanks, Chuck.

Those things are even more complicated than the propane t*nk.

Which disconnects from the base unit.

Just a little tip for ya.

Maybe if Hank got a job--

Oh, no.

You're starting a shame spiral. I think I saw this on Oprah.

He keeps himself in shape.

You know, he's got an all right body.

Lacey, snap out of it. It's Hank.

He uses ChapStick as deodorant.

Well, there's worse people.

Right?

On death row, maybe.

HANK: I don't know what's wrong with the missus.

I think she might be depressed.

Depressed? I wouldn't be surprised if she was starting a shame spiral.

I don't know what it is.

I bet if you thought long and hard you could figure it out.

Or I could just tell ya, save some time.

It's this wedding thing.

Is it cost? Because I'll pay for half.

I mean I'll have to owe her, but I'll--

You guys aren't in love. You're barely in like.

I know. But hubba, hubba.

Real classy, hammerhead.

I thought your dad was hammerhead.

What? Did I just call you hammerhead?

Yeah, for no reason.

There's plenty of reasons, hammerhead.

Dammit, I can't stop!

Did you get more steaks?

Salmon steaks. They were out of beef.

Salmon steaks aren't manly.

They're red...

red-ish... off-pink.

I'm not the one in the frilly blouse.

All my stuff's in the laundry. My shirt reeked of smoke.

The whole place did. I lit some scented candles.

Guys, Lacey's really depressed.

We have to do something to help her.

Is that lilac?

Yeah.

What's goin' on in here?

Ya doin' anything stupid ya might want me to see?

You know what, I've been thinkin' about this whole

jackass/hammerhead thing, and I want to apologize.

I said some things I shouldn't have said,

mainly hammerhead.

Anyway, I realize now you can't help yourself.

Yes, I can.

Not usin' the J-word is as easy as pie.

No, no, you're addicted. I know. I was startin' to get hooked on the H-b*mb.

It wasn't that hard to stop, once I found a few replacement words.

Butthead.

Butthead? That's just kinda childish.

You heard me, nincompoop.

Are you one of the Three Stooges?

Maybe I am, fish brain.

All right, I'm officially rescinding the moratorium on jackass.

Don't know what your big words mean, cabbage... breath.

Okay, now I'm beggin' ya. Please go back to jackass.

I'll think about it.

Barn smell. [chuckles]

KAREN: Here's Chuck from the fire department.

Thanks for doin' this.

EMMA: And thanks again for putting out the barbeque.

She's coming.

Oh, you guys. Look at this.

Poached salmon, scented candles.

You really had me believing you didn't like Girls' Night.

And we have a little surprise for you, just for fun.

Introducing the amazing...

Chuck.

He's a palm reader.

No offence, but I'm really not in the mood for another prediction.

And then your plane crashes.

So I do get to leave Dog River.

And catches fire,

because no one knows how to use the fire extinguisher.

Fire safety is important.

Not enough people take that seriously.

[mouths words]

Oh. And you die alone, without a husband, never married.

Oh.

Oh, that is so great.

I die in a fiery crash, but no Hank.

Chuck's pretty good, huh?

Chuck is amazing. Thank you.

Karen, Davis just called and said he's stuck in the trunk

and you'd know what that means.

It means it's time to play poker.

Whoo-hoo!

I just wanted to say, no hard feelings. Okay?

I got a little wrapped up and took it all too seriously.

Well, I guess we both did.

You definitely did more than me.

You know, I'm sure you're gonna make a fine husband

for someone, who isn't me.

Come on, Hank, let's go.

You're dating the tarot card reader?

Yeah.

We should get going. We're gonna be late.

Oh, there ya go with the predictions again.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪