05x16 - Coming Distractions

[bunniefuu]

Oh. Well, better get back to work.

Ah, Brent, you gonna pay for your lunch or--

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

I was just kinda daydreamin' there.

Well, if you did leave without paying,

I wouldn't have too hard a time tracking you down.

I don't know. I can be pretty elusive if I want to.

Disappear like a ninja. You'd have no hope of findin' me.

There he is. Freeze! Let me see your hands!

Watch out, he can be dangerous. His reign of terror is over.

Damn! I thought I lost you guys in Arizona.

You might be good, Bro', but we're better.

Let's go.

Brent. Hello?

Oh. Wow, sorry,

some of these daydreams are gettin' outta hand.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

Come on, you'll love this movie.

What's it called, again? Raptorman .

Half man, half dinosaur, flies around in a spaceship.

How's he fly a spaceship with little arms?

He steers with his tail.

Maybe Brent will go with ya.

Maybe.

Unless you're talkin' about France. Then forget it.

No, no. I'm talkin' about Raptorman .

Oh, the first one was awesome.

And this one's supposed to be even awesomer.

You two nerds should put on your Spock ears and go together.

This is a completely different genre.

Yeah, we wear claws.

Well, I don't, Davis does. Actually, I lost a claw.

Oh, no. Yeah.

You two deserve each other.

Here's my lawn, and then road.

No sidewalk, total chaos.

I want a sidewalk in front of my house.

Oscar, you're on the list.

And we'll get to your street in, uh, three years.

You just looked at a piece of paper with nothin' written on it.

Okay, I don't know when it's going to be done. But soon.

This morning some lunatic just about k*lled me.

Jackass!

But I got his licence plate.

Hey, hey, hey,

guess who's going to get his sidewalk sooner than he thought?

Come on, Raptorman . It's gonna be awesome.

I can't. I promised Davis I'd go with him.

You're goin' with Davis?

You know he'll make you wear the claws and drink the raptor juice?

It's a big deal to him and I respect that.

Okay, maybe respect is the wrong word.

Can I have some money for raptor juice?

I paid for your movie. Why would I pay for that?

So I don't tell Davis about you comin' here with me.

You're smart enough to blackmail,

you're not smart enough to have a job.

Uh, can you help me take these off?

[laughter and indistinct chatter]

Oh, that is so cute. Isn't that cute?

Old gals sittin', havin' a hoot.

Who are you, Dr. Seuss?

I'm just sayin' they're havin' fun.

Or a hoot, as they say on the street.

It's getting a little crazy over there.

Mary just chugged a whole glass of water in one gulp.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, yeah, looks like you gals are havin' a hoot.

Lacey and I were just saying how much fun it was.

Weren't we, Lacey?

I was.

That's good. Because the Purple Hats and I were thinking

you'd be perfect for the group.

Oh, well, Wanda and I are really flattered.

Oh, no, we're not asking Wanda, we're asking you. No offence, Wanda.

I'll find a way to get over it.

Hey, look, I'm over it.

Why me?

Because you're fun.

Yeah, but I mean the group is geared more towards women

of a certain oldness.

I--that didn't come out right. I mean, um...

I'm stuck on oldness.

Hey, we're young at heart. I mean look at our hats.

Yeah, look at them.

Well, that was a pungent hunka dung.

Aw, come on, that was like a five star movie.

It was a double five star. That was like a star movie.

How would you know? You had your claws over your eyes.

Still, I'd pay twice as much to see that a second time.

So nothing again?

So here's your hat.

I know it's pink, but don't let that worry ya.

You'll get a purple one when you turn in a few years.

Well, more than a few.

Oh, it sneaks up on ya.

But if you're worried about the age thing,

we're recruiting a lot of younger women.

Hi, Karen. Hey, ladies.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh. You know what? This might not be so bad.

I'll join. What the hey.

She said "What the hey." Oh, Lacey, you are fun.

Okay.

Nice.

So, Karen, I didn't know you were part of the Purple Hats. I'm not.

But they waved at you. You said you were late.

Yeah, I'm picking up Myrtle. She's got a bad hip.

Oh.

Congrats on joining.

Yeah, I think it's great for a woman of your age.

Guess what I'm finally gettin'?

A lobotomy?

No. They're finally puttin' in my sidewalk, moron.

Check out the plans.

Wow. So you decided to go with a rectangle sidewalk.

They're always rectangles, jackass. Oh, clam it.

Hey, what's up?

[nervous chuckle] Nothin', nothin' at all.

Isn't that right, son?

Son? Oh, right, that's me.

Ah, no, nothin's goin' on.

Don't tell her anything about the sidewalk.

So, what's goin' on?

Dad's gettin' a sidewalk.

Aw, baby!

We are back in business!

Muuaah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

That's a pretty maniacal laugh for somebody

who just writes her name on stuff.

Maybe I'll drop the laugh... maybe.

Oh, man, you're gonna love Raptorman .

I mean it's the best movie I've ever seen.

Alone.

I'm a jealous man.

Yeah. You know, I-I went alone because, uh,

Brent couldn't go, because he promised to go with you.

So, you know, I-I went alone.

So what happened in the movie?

There was this one scene where Raptorman's flying the spaceship--

No, no, no, no, no, don't tell me.

Okay, tell me.

Okay, in the spaceship--

Okay, okay, don't tell me. All right, tell me.

No, no, don't tell me.

There's so many great parts.

Brent, remember where Raptorman flies through that giant door before it closes?

It wasn't a door, it was jaws and--

no, I don't remember that, because I wasn't there.

So how did you know they were jaws?

He told me, before he forgot.

I went-I went alone.

The cat was nearly outta the bag.

Brent almost blabbed to Wanda...

...about my sidewalk.

FITZY: It looks like the cat's outta the bag.,

Don't people know how to keep cat bags shut anymore?

I need you to protect my sidewalk.

Wanda's been casing the joint so she can write her name.

Oh, that's Wanda that's been writing her name.

Who else would be writing Wanda?

I thought it was an acronym. For what?

Oh, I don't know.

World Agencies for Non-Developed Associations.

Wizards Against Naked Dancing in Alberta.

William and Nadine's Dental Appliances.

And those are just off the top of my head.

Just protect the sidewalk.

I'm not gonna watch over a slab of wet concrete.

It's demeaning to me as a police officer.

Stand here and guard this wet slab of concrete.

Hey, Davis, check it out. Raptorman cereal. Huh?

You know it's a good movie when it's on a cereal box.

Oh, man, I've gotta see this movie.

You know, it's, uh, playin' this afternoon.

I'd see it again in a heartbeat.

Brent's workin'. I promised I wouldn't see it without him.

Aw, come on, Davis.

I'm Raptorman. [imitates g*nf*re]

Okay, let's go.

Great. You can pay for the movie.

'Cause if you don't, I'll tell Brent.

This is terrible. Let's go.

No, no, no. I wanna see how it ends.

You know how it ends. You've seen it already.

Yeah, but sometimes they surprise you.

Come on. I wanna--

That's how it ends?

Oh, man, that was awesome.

I envy Karen right now.

Hey, a cop guarding a sidewalk?

Good job, Officer Concrete.

What's your g*n for, sh**ting crabgrass?

[laughing]

Keep walkin', slackers, or I'll buy ya a belt for your pants!

That's embarrassing.

I know. You could totally see their underwear.

No. I mean you guarding a sidewalk.

Oh. Yeah, it's humiliating. Nobody's gonna write on it.

So, did Davis say specifically who to watch out for,

like which kid might try to do it?

No. He just said, "Stand here until it dries."

Ha.

I can give ya a break, if ya like.

Really? Sure. Go get a cup of coffee.

I got it covered.

I promise no kid Thanks.

Wanda?

"No kids touched it.

"Wanda strikes again. Scorch.

P.S. Look behind you"?

Scorch!

Look, I'm still excited about the Raptorman thing.

I don't know if I'm gonna be able to make it right away.

Well, of course. I mean I gotta work and everything,

so, uh, we'll just catch it some other time. Yeah.

Hey, you guys talkin' about Raptorman ?

Yes, because I haven't seen it yet.

Neither have I.

I got a great idea. Why don't we all go together? Your treat.

You can buy the tickets. Uh, sure.

And you can buy the popcorn.

I'm not buying popcorn.

Oh, really? Oh. Hmm.

Hey, Davis, there's somethin' I need to tell you.

I'm buying popcorn and drinks, is what I meant.

All right.

That's a nice blouse.

Oh.

Are you going to a w*r brides reunion?

I went shopping with the Purple Hats.

They insisted I buy it.

Oh, this looks perfect.

Oh. You don't have to buy anything today.

Maybe sleep on it.

I think it's kinda jazzy.

Did you just use the word jazzy?

Young people can use the word jazzy.

Jazzy is hip.

Did you just use the word hip?

Okay, can I just pay for my gas?

Sure. bucks. Well, that's cheaper than usual.

Well, I gave you the seniors' discount.

[g*nf*re and screaming]

[Hank yells]

Man, didn't see that comin'.

Whoo.

So, what are doin' tonight, ladies?

Just havin' a few drinks?

No.

We got a surprise for ya.

Dwight?

Evenin', ladies.

You old gals ready to do some line dancin'?

Oh, yeah.

[country music playing]

♪

Come on, Lacey, get into it.

Push that tush.

♪

Aw, no, Mom's here with her crazy Purple Hat g*ng.

Oh! Let's finish our drinks and go.

Oh, man, if only Lacey was here to see this.

Check out the one in the pink hat.

She's got the rhythm of a three-legged panda.

Oh, my God, that is Lacey.

♪

A couple a more drinks over here.

♪

Okay, I'm done.

I saved your butt once, I ain't comin' back again.

Yes, you will. I pay my taxes.

What did you say?

Nothin'. I was just talkin' about my taxes.

Easy, big fella.

You-you did an amazing job with this sidewalk.

Could you rile up a bigger guy?

He looked a lot smaller when he was kneeling.

I did not like that movie.

I am so glad you said that. I found it really predictable.

I can't believe Hank saw it three times.

Well, I think you mean twice,

once with--alone and once with us.

Yeah.

Okay, he did see it three times. He saw it with me before we all saw it.

When? You know, after he saw it by himself.

Well, Davis, don't worry about it.

No, no. We had a pact. I'm a pact breaker.

I never thought I'd be that guy.

Well, you know, it's no big deal.

It's something I could see myself doing.

As a matter of fact--

No, don't try and let me off the hook. I screwed up.

Let me buy ya a big breakfast and we'll call it even.

Now, Davis, you shouldn't--

well, I mean it doesn't have to be a big breakfast.

And then we call it even and we never Deal.

[gasps]

One more step, sister, and you're yesterday's leaves.

Dammit!

Oh.

Three years of police training, huh?

I guess you failed Cement Surveillance .

Now, when guarding a sidewalk,

the most important thing to remember is posture.

I don't even remember that class.

You've gotta be ready for-- where the hell is Wanda?

Freeze!

Aacch.

Fine. But this is gonna happen.

Next time you see me, my finger will be caked in cement

and your reputations will lie in ruin!

Okay, I'm gonna-I'm gonna try that again,

but this time with a maniacal laugh.

And your reputations will lie in ruin.

Muuaah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

I don't know. I think it's better.

Oh. Hey, Emma.

Have you called Oscar today?

Why would I do that? I just saw him.

Oh. You know, just called to say, "Hi, Oscar"?

Oh. What about when he comes home?

You don't just say, um-- uh, what would you say?

You'd probably say, "Hi, Oscar."

Let me hear how you'd say that to him.

You know, it would sound less muffled if I would speak right into it.

Oh. Would you mind?

Hi, Oscar.

Tape my show on the VCR.

Never mind, just do it.

Thank you so much.

Can I go now, Spanky?

Have you got any scotch mints?

Why? Because I'm old,

because I like to do old lady things?

Ah, no, because the bowl's empty.

Oh. Sorry.

Oh, these Purple Hat Ladies,

they-they've got me all unhinged.

Yesterday I caught myself drinking hot water.

Hot water!

Sheez.

This tissue, it was in my sleeve.

It's used.

Okay, okay. You know, easy does it.

It's not so bad, you and your fellow spinsters hangin' out.

I'm too young for this.

Oh.

Just a second, there's something on your cheek.

Oh. No. Hey. Now come here.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

EMMA'S VOICE: Hi, Oscar.

Tape my show on the VCR.

Oh, stop badgerin' me. You got nothin' better to do?

Never mind. Just do it.

Fine.

Can I go now, Spanky?

Spanky? Who the hell is Spanky?

Phase two complete.

Only one phase left in my brilliant plan.

[grunts]

WANDA: Victory is mine!

What the hell happened?

That the hell happened.

Wanda!

Hey, guys. I just saw Raptorman again.

And, you know, you might be right. It's not very good.

You mean after the fourth time it starts to wear thin?

Yeah, well, I mean you guys probably still think

it's pretty good because, you know, you've only seen it once, so.

That's okay, Hank. It's all out in the open.

No need to lie anymore.

Oh, good. Man, it was startin' to get confusin'.

First I go with Brent, then I go with you, then we all go together.

What? You went with Brent?

I tried to tell ya.

When, between the pancakes and sausage?

No, before the pancakes.

And then I tried halfway through the sausage.

But it was chorizo and had little diced peppers. Oh, baby.

You owe me a breakfast.

And I think a free movie is in order, for all of us.

Huh? Yeah. Hey, who's up for Space Frat Party ?

Ah, maybe I'll go alone.

Lacey,

you're wearing a yellow hat.

That's right.

Just thought I'd try somethin' different.

What about your pink one?

Oh, I b*rned it.

Really?

For fun.

What are you trying to say?

Look, I have tried to be subtle, but you're not catching on.

I'm young and you're all...

you know, you're not as young.

Look it, I'm-I-I'm sorry to be so blunt.

But that's just how we young people are.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go buy some scotch mints.

And that doesn't mean I'm old.

I'm glad she left.

[all laughing]

Feast your eyes on my latest conquest.

Muuaah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Oh, yes! Way better with the laugh.

"Wanda loves Davis"?

What?

You do?

No.

[loud whistle]

Looks like I win.

Good one.

You mean love-love or more like brother and sister?

Like a big dumb dog.

Stay.

Are we having our first fight?

Listen, you crazy crank, we just put that sidewalk in

and I'm not gonna take it out.

But I don't love Davis! It's humiliating!

Sorry. It's done.

[jackhammer pounding]

[jackhammer stops]

Hey! You can't tear up the sidewalk.

Sorry. It's done.

Hey, what did ya do?

Oh, man, I can't wait to see Space Frat Party .

Tell me about it.

It is so nice not to be out with those old ladies and their stupid hats.

Hey, guys, check out what came with the combos.

Hey, cool. Oh. This is gonna be fun.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪