05x17 - The Accidental Cleanist

[bunniefuu]

Hey, check out the tree.

Oh. You're right, it looks sick.

It's not sick. I just planted it.

You planted it?

Yes.

Well, two large men with shovels planted it,

but I sponsored it.

You paid for a tree out of your own pocket?

Just givin' a little somethin' back to the community.

If you made a small donation to the community,

I could save you another $, on your taxes.

What's the cheapest thing I could do?

It's the very least I could do.

Plus, now I have a legacy.

Aw, that's a nice gesture.

I give your legacy a week.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

Thanks, Lacey.

I'll pay for this with my debit card.

This is your driver's licence.

Oh, is it? Oh.

You might as well check out my new picture.

Oh, hey, that is a nice picture.

Yeah. Well, better than the last few.

Ready?

Hang on a second. I just-- [shutter clicks]

Ready?

No, I'll tell you when I'm-- [shutter clicks]

Ready? Yeah.

Are you-- [shutter clicks]

You look great in this one.

Thanks. Oh, hey, lemme see.

Oh. It went right through the cr*ck of the deck.

What are the odds of that happenin'?

What are the odds of Lacey being able to pull me off ya?

That'll be ..

What the hell?

Brent Leroy's Corner Gas?

[yelling] Who the hell do ya think you are?!

I like when you start a conversation just by yelling.

No lead up, right into it. Valuable timesaver.

I was walking downtown and what should I see

but Brent Leroy's Corner Gas tree.

So you wrote a poem about it?

That just rhymed by accident.

Where do you get off?

The-the tree is just a donation thing, for tax purposes.

Plus, it makes a nice legacy.

What about me? I founded this place and you're trying

to wipe me out of the picture with one lousy tree.

I wasn't trying to wipe you out.

There are some memories I'd like to forget.

I built this place from the ground up

and this is the thanks I get.

I'll show you a legacy ya won't soon forget.

I think that's actually the definition of legacy.

Smart guy!

A lunatic, that's your legacy.

It's over here. [stomps]

Over where? I can't exactly see ya.

Listen to the sound of my foot. [stomps]

Oh, hey. Score.

North end of the deck. Follow the vibrations.

[stomping]

Over here.

[spits]

Did you see the movie, Tremors ?

Well, um, maybe it's more like Dune .

I mean I'm not saying that Dune is as campy as Tremors ,

I'm just saying that they both involved sand creatures.

Geez!

Thanks.

Wait a second. This isn't mine.

It's Wendy Carlyle's, from .

You found it. Thank you, Hank.

You're useless.

There it is.

[sighs]

Well, hellooo.

So you just take your chocolate

and pop it over.

Voila, one chocolate popover.

And Debbie Benson said you learned everything

from the back of a cake mix box.

What did she say?

Oh, crap. I'll be back in a minute.

Learned everything from a cake mix box, huh?

Debbie Benson doesn't know her ass from a spatula.

That woman's as dumb as a mud fence.

Hey, do you know how to get a stain outta--

Wow!

Debbie Benson wouldn't know how to get a stain out of anything.

When I came back into the kitchen,

the whole place was clean.

Typical.

No, it's a good thing.

The place was a mess before. She cleaned it up.

What did she charge you for it?

She didn't charge me anything, she just did it for free.

So why are you complaining? I'm not. I'm just telling you about it.

I'll tell her not to do it anymore.

No, I want her to do it.

Okay, you're gonna to have to start over again.

This is too distracting.

The lunch special is Salisbury steak.

Nah, I brought my own. I figured I'd have lunch under my tree.

Oh, I understand. You want to be with it before it dies.

My tree is just fine, thank you very much.

I'll be sittin' under it for years, give or take,

passin' my wisdom down to future generations.

So, you see, that's how Team Thunder was able

to defeat the forces of Evil Fang.

Is that from a comic book?

What's your point?

That's the best you got?

Sorry, I used up most of my imagination on the beard.

Here's your recipe.

It sounded kinda urgent when you phoned.

Those popovers are just so good.

Oh.

Sorry about the mess in here.

Yeah, yeah, sure is messy, huh?

It's just hard to keep this place straightened up.

Well, I should go into the hall and photocopy this now.

I'll come with.

It takes two of you to photocopy?

When you're a cop, you work in teams.

Yeah, it's important to have each other's back,

whether making a big bust or photocopying a dainty recipe.

Let's roll.

Oh.

Ya finally had to smash your piggy bank, huh?

Oh, no, no, no. Oinky's still in one piece.

No, I got these from under your deck.

Hank, I thought you went under there to find Wanda's licence.

Yeah. I haven't found it yet.

It could take, uh, two or three trips.

I got it myself. You don't have to bother.

Oh. Well, still, I should probably go back down there.

Stay outta there.

I mean if I were you, I would ban Hank

from going under the deck.

[whispers] It could bother your customers.

Mm-hmm. You know what? You're probably right.

Hank, I don't want you going under there anymore.

Aw, come on. I mean I--

Oh, hey, I used to have one just like that.

[nervous laugh] I knew that.

I saw yours and I thought, "I should get one, myself,

exactly like hers," from a store,

and get a receipt so I can prove it, which I have

and I will show you someday.

Goodbye.

Think that's Oh, yeah.

Oh, Emma, you didn't have to--

Didn't have to what?

Maybe we should go photocopy the recipe again.

Oh, you can just keep it.

I'll just copy it off of the back of the cake mix box.

She didn't do a very good job.

Hey, jackass,

I got a better place for ya to stuff your face.

That's made outta solid maple, buddy boy,

better than your stupid tree.

Hey, my tree's made out of maple, or some kinda wood.

Plus it's organic. Hippie talk.

Yeah, I don't know.

It looks kinda hard and uncomfortable.

Read the plaque.

"Courtesy of Oscar Leroy, founder of Corner Gas."

Now that's a legacy.

Yeah. Whenever people get a pain in their ass,

they'll think of you.

[grunting under deck]

[grunting continues]

Hey, Lacey,

I think there's an animal under your deck.

Sounds like it's mating.

It's not an animal. It's Hank.

Ooo, that's nice.

Busted.

I got dibs on that ring. There's no dibs down here.

Got it!

Forget it!

LACEY: I thought I told you to stay out from under the deck.

Shut up. It's Lacey. You shut up.

Oh, you're right. It is Hank.

Hank, have you seen a flower broach down there?

HANK: Hey, Wanda's under here too, ya know?

Right, Wanda?

Ow!

[deepens voice] I mean, ow.

Both of you get out from under the deck right now!

It's a purple broach, little green stem.

Right now! [stomps]

[coughs] [spits]

I don't understand why Emma didn't clean up.

It worked at my place.

Maybe it's you.

You can be a little off-putting.

I'm not off-putting.

If anything, I'm on-putting.

The bottom line is you blew it.

Your attitude is what's off-putting.

Now I have a craving for pudding.

Hey. What do you kids think you're doin'?

What's it look like we're doing?

It looks like you're waitin' for somebody

to put a size boot up your wazoo.

That's right, take your beer and get outta my shade.

EMMA: Hey, Davis.

Oh, hey, Emma.

Oh, Emma, Oscar's got an unpaid parking ticket

that I need to collect on.

Oscar got a parking ticket?

Yeah, a couple months ago.

Honestly, that man has the attention span of a flea.

Yeah.

Why don't we continue this conversation over here by the bumper.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Johnny Bench

comin' to tell me how great his bench is.

I don't need to brag about my bench or run down your tree

when the paper does such a good job.

[chuckles]

Boozy element? It was just a couple a kids drinkin' beer.

It happened one time.

Trees are like magnets for booze.

Do you even care about making sense anymore?

Ooo, boy, my legs are gettin' tired.

We're not stopping to sit on your stupid bench.

It's not a stupid bench.

It's better than Brent's booze tree.

People love my bench. More than you think.

Hey, you sex pots, scram!

At least with my tree the kids keep their pants on.

Probably gonna be a population boom now,

thanks to your sex bench.

It's not a sex bench. It's a make-out bench.

And it's not a make-out bench.

Whatever you say, Hef.

Yeah, I couldn't believe what they said.

Personally, I don't think your hair

looks anything like a rat's nest.

They don't know what they're talking about.

They're no fashion plates.

Oops, missed the garbage can.

Ah, maybe I shouldn't get so upset about it.

Right.

I mean that's nothing compared to what they said about your shoes.

Those sniping old crones!

Atta girl.

I mean atta girl for stickin' up for yourself.

What's goin' on?

Oh, hi, Karen.

Emma and I were just wrapping up our little conversation.

Apparently some people have a problem with my shoes.

Ah, well, it's just water under the bridge, Emma,

water under the bridge.

[banging]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing?

I'm putting an end to this. The deck is closed.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

The deck isn't closed, just underneath the deck.

You can eat under the deck?

No.

Sure you can. No, you can't.

A lotta fries down there.

I'm closing the deck hole.

The only reason people are makin' out on my bench

is because they're gettin' all liquored up under your tree.

They gotta drink to forget all the p*rn on your bench.

Excuse me.

Can you tell me the quickest way to get to the highway?

Just go straight down this road,

make a left past the make-out bench--

Did you hear that, Ron? There's a make-out bench.

Hot dog!

Okay, I'll just get you some ch-- Oh.

That was lucky.

I thought it might fall through the cracks.

I'll get it.

I doubt it would even fit through the cracks.

Oops.

Good one. Let's try it with one of your keys now.

I'm really glad you came.

You seemed pretty upset about that whole shoe thing earlier.

I know.

It's like Davis says, water under the bridge.

Well, watching the news these days

and seeing the kinda cesspool of a world we live in

must make you pretty angry.

You know, Karen, you're a bit of a downer.

I'm gonna go.

Davis is manipulating you.

What?

Haven't you noticed, whenever you're around,

he says things to make ya mad?

Why would he do that?

Hm. I guess he just likes to wind ya up.

Oh, that selfish...

dirty rotten...

Wait a minute.

I see what's going on.

And seeing what's going on must make ya even more mad.

You're as bad as he is.

So, uh, you gonna finish up in here or--

See? I told ya there's good stuff down there.

No, my key's down there. Will you get it for me?

I don't know. I wouldn't want to creep out your customers.

It's my only house key.

Beg me.

[clears throat] Okay, stop beggin'. I'll do it.

Just the chips.

Where did you get this?

Oh, you know, uh, ATM.

Oh?

It dispenses coins now?

Yeah.

And buttons?

Mm-hmm.

And elastics.

This is deck money, isn't it?

Oh, man, you are so paranoid.

Is this your key?

Oh, no, that's Lacey's. I gotta get it back to her.,

Was it under the deck?

Yeah. I mean no. I mean--

Oh, it's on.

Nice.

Holy crap. A whole watch.

[grunting]

Uh-oh.

Okay, give it a rest, Casanova.

We're cleanin' up this bench. Yeah, you and Kissy Lips take it somewhere else.

Come on, babe.

Yeah. Go smooch on somebody else's legacy.

You two are unbelievable.

Go drink behind the library, ya slackers.

This date sucks.

There. Now it's a beautiful park.

[classical music]

[rock music playing, bottles clinking]

Thanks for comin' over, Emma.

Sounded on the phone like you needed to talk.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

There's a mop and bucket over there and

some women say your shirt's ugly and I'll be back in a bit.

You know, Karen says you're trying to manipulate me.

What?

I didn't like her insulting you. I got mad at her.

You know what that makes me do? I'll get the vacuum.

It makes me want to take this broom and-- Yes?

--wipe everything off the counter.

It makes me want to....

take this garbage can...

Your hair looks great.

I know.

WANDA: Hello? Hello?

I don't believe this. Wanda, is that you?

[chuckles]

Hey, how's the weather up there?

Unbelievable.

I should have put barbed wire around the deck.

Yeah. This is your fault.

So go get someone to help me. I'm stuck.

Oh, my God. There's a child stuck under the deck.

It's not a child. It's Wanda. Oh.

Anyone?

Hey.

Uh, okay, not anyone.

Anyone else?

Hey, Lacey, I found a down here.

Put that back in my pocket.

You said I could keep anything I find down here, right?

That's right, Hank.

I'd look for coins, maybe between her ribs.

I strongly advise you against this.

Coochy-coochy coo.

[laughing] I'm gonna k*ll you.

You're a dead man!

Whoops. I dropped my eyebrow pencil.

I wonder what you could do with that.

[evil chuckle] Yeah.

Uh, what? What-what could I do with that?

[loud rock music]

This is never gonna stop. Ya can't fight human nature.

Guess we have no choice.

[country swing music]

If ya can't b*at 'em, join 'em.

Actually, I had something else in mind.

[chain saw revving]

Goodbye, ghetto.,

[chain saw buzzing]

[applause]

Thanks, everyone.

Thank you. Thank you for your support.

Well, good work, Hank. You rescued Groucho Marx.

[laughs] Very funny.

But seriously, someone should call an ambulance.

Why? Are you hurt?

Oh, it's not for me.

Well, I guess ya can't just go out and buy a legacy.

We got a pretty good one right here.

This place will always be the pillar of the community.

Yep. Unless gas prices keep goin' up

and everybody switches to electric cars.

But, hey, folks are always gonna need somethin'.

Want someone to check your oil, boys?

Why the hell would that happen?

And why would we have beards?

We might.

[scoffs]

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪