06x02 - Bend It Like Brent

[bunniefuu]

who's your favourite football team?

The Riders, du-uh!

No, not Canadian football.

Oh. Then the, uh, Minnesota Vikings.

No. Out on the pitch.

What do you mean, soccer?

Well, then it's a tie between the Manchester- I-Don't-Give-A-Craps

and the London- Not-A-Real-Sports.

All right, then. I was gonna ask you, but I'll ask Lacey instead.

Lacey, would you like to sponsor the football team I'm coaching?

That's a great idea.

Minimum cash outlay, advertising on the jerseys for a whole season. Sure.

Hold on. I didn't say I wasn't gonna do it.

You've been makin' fun of football.

No, I've been makin' fun of soccer.

All right, you can both sponsor.

If that's all right with you, luv?

I don't see why not.

Well, that's it then, blokes.

Let's celebrate with some bangers and mash and ring up our mobiles

or my name isn't Sir Aluminium Bootbonnet.

Is he havin' a laugh?

Or some kind of seizure.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

Thanks for pickin' me up.

Technically, running out of gas isn't a police emergency.

You guys are only responding to your own emergencies now?

Nice.

What?

Uh, nothin'.

I just think you're goin' a little fast, that's all.

I'm a cop. I get to go fast.

Besides, this isn't even fast. It's not?

No. I'll show ya fast.

[car accelerating]

How fast we Shut up.

Free movies?

Let me explain the notion of profit margin to you.

They're VHS tapes.

I got a DVD player, so I'm givin' these away.

Summer of the Monkeys, Orphans of the Sand,

Sparkle?

Ooo, and they're free.

Yep. Take them all if you want.

I would. But I'd have to get a VCR.

Actually, first I'd have to get a time machine

and travel back to where I could find a VCR.

Hey, free movies.

Step right up and grab a handful of Hollywood D-listers

and some red hot local tax credits.

What's the catch?

One of you must drive a silver DeLorean.

Back to the Future?

Oh, it's in there,

just underneath The Tommy Douglas Story.

Hey, hey, hey, came to watch a match, did ya?

Thanks for donating the footballs, by the way.

Oh, it's the least I could do for our soccer team,

get them some soccer balls to play soccer with.

The proper term is football.

I think it's good for the kids to hear

some of the British terminology.

What's the British term for a person

who uses stupid British terms?

w*nk*r.

Good to know. Yeah.

Sorry I'm late. Here's the jerseys.

All right. Thanks, Brent.

It's kinda thin. Couldn't get nylon?

That's all there was in the budget.

You should see the jackets, though.

All right, jackets too.

Are these cool or what?

Don't tell me you wasted part of the budget

on a jacket for yourself?

No. Yours is in there too.

Oh.

Oh-ho-ho, wow!

Stitched logos and everything?

Yeah, well, I guess these'll do.

Oy, lads, come and get your jumpers!

HANK: Uh, how come we're only doin' ?

Nothing wrong with being a little cautious.

Ah.

You're a little g*n shy from hittin' the ditch, aren't ya?

You know, when I was a kid,

my grandpa took me, uh, horseback ridin',

and I fell off the horse.

And your grandpa made you get right back on. I get it, Hank.

No, the-the horse stomped on my ribs a bit

and then kicked me in the head, twice.

Anyway... uh, what were we talkin' about?

It doesn't matter.

What matters is that I get over this.

So, here we go.

Okay.

[car accelerating]

Good.

Good.

KAREN: Not good.

HANK: Did I ever tell ya my horse story?

Kramer vs. Kramer?

Yeah. It's got that guy from Seinfeld in it.

[laughs] That's funny.

The mother's leaving the kid.

[static]

Now what?

Oh, this stupid machine. Where's the knob to fix this?

I'm lookin' at him.

And in the west--

Never mind, I fixed it.

--it's partly cloudy with a chance of showers.

Otherwise, it looks like an excellent weekend

to get out there and explore... things.

Back to you, Sandra.

Thank you, Wanda. Excellent job.

Holy hell. Wanda's in the movie.

No, she's not, you idiot.

She taped herself doing some kinda skitch.

And in Winnipeg,

there's a canary who can sing the National Anthem.

[laughing]

What's up in sports, Wendy?

Coming up, highlights,

and an update on the Riders training camp.

[crash, glass breaking]

[laughing]

HANK: You wanna try drivin' again?

I think I'll just rest a bit.

I'm still a little freaked out.

[phone ringing]

D.R.P.D.

Uh-huh?

Um, okay, I'll be right there.

There's cattle on the road west of town.

Oh, okay. I'll pull over so you can drive. No, no!

Oh, gotcha. Switch seats on the fly.

No! No! You drive!

Oh, okay.

Uh, how do you turn on the siren?

It's cattle Right, right.

Just the lights, then. Catch 'em by surprise.

And we're back,

with my special guest, Winston Churchill.

Winston,

you were once quoted as saying

that the price of greatness is responsibility.

Would you care to elaborate on that?

[imitating Churchill] When one achieves greatness,

one must assume the role of mentor to the masses.

I can't believe she got Winston Churchill.

Oh, look closer.

I always thought h*tler was a bit of a tool.

Holy hell.

She's like a Canadian Rich Little.

DAVIS: Bring it in, bring it in.

All right, all right. Good game, good game.

Now, we didn't win, but we tried hard.

Did we try hard?

Because it looked to me like we didn't try at all.

But at least we had fun.

Did we have fun losing? Because keep playing like this,

we're gonna have a blast all season, losing.

Come on, you guys, this can't be all fun and games.

Hey, who wants candy?

No! Brent! Brent! Uh-uh. I don't think you should

be giving the kids candy when they lose.

It sends out the wrong message.

That candy is for losers?

Okay, that's enough. Just give back the candy.

Come on, kids, give the candy back.

No candy for you.

Or you.

Candy is for winners.

Beautiful day, isn't it? Yeah.

Partly cloudy, slight chance of showers.

Thanks for the report. Is this everything?

Uh, no.

Here's Oscar with the spaghetti sauce.

Over to you, Oscar. Thanks, Emma.

Coming up later, we'll be making spaghetti.

Are you two okay?

Say hi to Winston for us.

Who the hell is Winston?

[laughing]

Geez.

A couple a nut bars.

Oh, God, no.

I'm Peter's dad.

He plays on your team.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, he's the one named Peter, with the, uh, shoes.

He really likes soccer.

In fact the other day he was sayin'

how he wished he could play more.

So I figure, you bein' the owner--

Yeah, I don't really like to micromanage.

Right.

Why don't you think on it while you fill up my truck.

I have dual tanks, by the way.

Oh, oh yeah, now I remember Peter.

Sure. He's the one I was thinkin' of makin' captain.

Hey, Emma.

Just curious. How was the spaghetti last night?

Oh, just fine, thanks.

Super. Super.

Yeah, 'cause spaghetti's... super.

All right, look, the tape you were watching was an audition

tape that I did for a broadcasting course in college.

I'm glad you had a good laugh, but now I'd like it back.

Can't have it.

What? But that's my private property.

We paid good money for those tapes.

I gave them to you for free.

Ah-ha! You gave them to us. They're ours.

Give 'em back.

No can do, Sissy Magoo. [chuckles]

You're hilarious, by the way.

KAREN: D.R.P.D.

Uh-huh? Trespasser? Okay.

Oh, sure, I can check it out.

Um, are you within walking distance of the police station?

No, I-I have a car.

Oh, hey, Hank, I need to talk to you outside.

Okay, gimme a minute. I'm almost finished my coffee.

I need to talk to you right now.

I got a call about a trespasser.

Why do you need Hank for that?

He's, uh, uh... a suspect.

Yeah. Let's go.

Oh, I get it. You want me to--

Ow! What'd you do that for? I was just gonna say--

Let's go!

Hey, Brent.

Can I talk to you about yesterday's football match?

Hey, are you two talkin' about the game yesterday?

Because I feel really badly about the way

I handled things.

I'm so glad to hear you say that.

I shouldn't of yelled at those kids right after the game.

You took my candy away too.

I completely understand.

Junior football can get a little crazy sometimes.

I shoulda made them run laps first,

showed them the consequences of their actions,

then laid into them.

Teach 'em a lesson.

Yeah,

next time.

Anyway, I gotta run. Bye.

Well, that was pretty creepy.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

She's a little overbearing and I was hoping

you'd help me keep her in check.

Sure, sure, no problem.

Listen, there's a player on your team, Peter. How's he doin'?

Oh, he's not very good. But he's tryin'.

Sounds like he needs motivation.

Maybe you should make him captain, play him more.

I play all my players equally. Oh, sure, sure, of course.

I'm just sayin' play Peter more, that's all.

I'll give it some thought.

You do that. And then make him captain,

and I'll look after Lacey and the whole control freak thing.

Where to now?

I don't know.

Just, uh, just drive around.

Oh, and, um...

wear this in case Davis sees you.

Hey, swing by the Foo Mart.

Why? Somethin' big goin' down at the Foo Mart?

Yeah, big thing at the Foo Mart.

[siren starts] No, no lights and siren.

[imitates siren]

No siren noises.

Here it is.

Good. Did you get some good dirt on them?

Oh, yeah, Mom and Dad tryin' to cook lobsters,

with hilarious results.

What am I supposed to do with typewriter ribbon?

That's millimetre film.

Where'd you get it, the attic of the National Film Board?

That was sh*t when I was a kid.

My parents didn't just start doin' stupid stuff when VCRs were invented.

How am I supposed to play this? I have a DVD player.

[gas bell dings]

You know what your problem is?

You're a techie freak, always gotta have the latest gadget.

HANK: I thought there was some big thing goin' on at the Foo Mart?

There was, a shoplifter.

Luckily I caught him and was able to confiscate

this candy and magazine.

Look, I hate to see ya like this.

I think it's time ya try to drive again.

Get back on that horse.

[sighs] Okay.

Here we go.

Okay.

Just start out slow and don't bite off more than you can--

Whoo, boy, that was scary.

Ah, too soon, I guess.

Hey, Oscar, crazy question.

Long story, can't go into it. Here's the thing.

I was wondering if you had an millimetre projector I could borrow?

Projector? Well, sure, Ben Franklin.

I'll get into my horse and buggy

and see if I can find one for ya.

EMMA: Who is it?

It's Laura Secord.

She wants to borrow an millimetre projector.

I'll just run to the apocethary and see if I can find one.

It's apothecary.

You'd know, wouldn't ya, Thomas Edison?

Oh, Oscar, leave the poor creature alone.

Our future world is strange and new to her.

Okay, Mr. and Mrs. Comedy Hour,

I happen to have some hilarious footage myself,

a little something that I like to call,

Oscar and Emma vs. The Lobsters.

When I show this to everyone,

you will be the laughing stock of the whole town.

Then why would we give you our projector?

Well, on hindsight, I probably shoulda told you that

after I got the projector.

Well, send us a telegram when you find your motion picture machine.

[chuckles]

You're hilarious, by the way.

[door slams]

Come on, hustle, hustle!

What's with the slow kid? Who, Peter?

He's probably saving his energy for a late game burst.

He's quite Hmm.

[panting] I don't know why they made me captain.

I don't know anything about this game.

I thought I was signing up for football.

Hey, Davis, I think we need to take Peter out.

Well, he looks like he's havin' fun out there.

We need someone faster. Take him out.

Fine.

Peter!

Don't listen to her, Davis. I'll back ya. Leave him in.

Peter, stay out there.

I said pull him out.

Peter, in.

Leave him in, Davis.

Out.

Peter needs In.

He's the captain. He needs to stay in.

Out. In.

All right, that's enough.

You two are the worst sponsors ever.

And it's not about winning or wanting to be liked,

it's about the lads enjoying the game.

We need to fire Davis.

And play Peter more.

You're not the owners.

I think that what Brent means is that as business owners

we just want what's best for the team.

You saw how he handled that Peter thing.

He doesn't know when to pull certain players.

He doesn't know when to keep players in.

The bottom line is, is we're losing.

But the kids are having fun.

You know what I'm getting here,

is that you're all okay with being the parents of losers.

Do you always open with an insult?

I think we all agree that some changes need to be made.

All right, then.

Now, I know this can all be a little unsettling,

so to help smooth things over,

I brought candy for everyone.

Brent, we don't give candy to the parents of losers.

What are you doing?

Oh, just setting up my magic picture box

to show something that we call a Talkie.

Where'd ya get the projector?

From the high school. They were very helpful.

Who would steal a -year-old projector?

Holy hell. She's gonna show the lobster film.

Well, maybe we were a little hasty before?

We'll give you your tape back.

Oh, I don't need the tape.

I need darkness. Hit the lights!

[no audio on film]

[laughter]

Oh, come on!

[groans and complaints]

Dammit!

Yeah, no, thanks. I'll have my driver stop by and pick it up.

Yeah. Okay.

Great. Now I have to go pick up your driver? No.

We just have to swing by and pick up some stuff for my garden.

You must be Karen's driver?

No. I just drive her around and run errands for her.

[Karen whistles]

Hey, driver, let's go. Break-in at the high school.

Hi, Davis.

I just had a rough meeting with the parents.

Well, it-it had to be done.

We fought for ya, buddy.

In the end, they made up their minds.

They want new sponsors.

You mean a new coach.

No. New sponsors. I mean I fought for ya.

But in the end they didn't like being called parents of losers.

She said it, I didn't.

Well, that's what they are.

Look, see, it's right here.

Look!

If you wanna see something really funny,

you should all come over to our place and watch our Wanda video.

She does impressions.

She's no Little Richard, but she's pretty good.

No! No-no-no!

There's a lobster pinching Oscar's nose!

This stuff only happens in cartoons, people!

Whoa. Easy, there, Hank. Goin' a little fast.

I don't think we're goin' fast enough.

Whooo! Hoo-hoo-hoo!

I don't even think I need my hands on the wheel!

Whooooo-hoo-hoo!

Okay, oh-- Hank, look out for the cat!

Oh!

What are ya lookin' at?

I think Hank just hit the ditch across the street.

Ah, you're right.

That can-that can really rattle ya.

Move over. Let me drive.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Great to be here.

I'd like to do a few impressions for you.

She's gonna do some impressions.

First, John Wayne.

Well, listen here, pilgrim.

[laughs]

Thank you.

Now I'd like to do a couple impressions

of some folks from my old hometown.

Oh.

We got a guy there that goes by the name of Oscar.

[grunting and grumbling]

Jackass!

[laughter]

[grunting] Shaddap, jackass!

That sounds nothing like me, you jackasses!

[laughter]

And believe it or not,

Oscar has a wife.

My name is Emma

and I have the most incredible garden.

Blah, blah, blah. Have you seen my garden?

This is gettin' good again.

[laughter]

Hey, number six, you kick like a girl!

She is a girl.

Oh.

Well, the truth hurts sometimes.

Oh, boo! Losers!

The coach is a winker!

It's w*nk*r.

Oh. Well, I don't speak English.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪