06x04 - Meat Wave

[bunniefuu]

[fan whirring]

Geez, Brent.

It's like the hottest day on record out there

and in here you got it colder than a witch's mitt.

That's not how that--

Never mind.

It's not that cold. I just like it brisk and refreshing.

And Wanda doesn't mind, right?

No, I'm good.

Where's a thermometer? It's gotta be minus five in here.

Minus ten with the wind chill if the fan was on.

It's not below zero.

Oh, really?

Then why's this juice box frozen solid?

The only thing below zero is your IQ.,

Wanda, do you wanna get a mop and clean this up?

No, I'm good.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

What'll ya have? Coffee.

On a day like today?

Yeah, on hot days I like hot things

and on cold days I like cold things.

And when it's in between, I'm stuck.

[beeping]

Did you just beep?

No, I didn't beep. I thought you beeped.

Maybe it's my watch. [beep]

I set it to go off every hour.

Boy, time flies, eh? [beep]

[beep]

No, no. It's coming from over here.

Oh, it's one of those virtual pet things.

Some kid musta left it.

Hm. What's it doing now?

Oh, I don't know. It's probably at school.

I meant the pet.

Oh.

[barking]

Oh, he's barking. Why is he barking?

[barking] Probably wants you to get me my coffee.

Okay, everybody,

get your tickets ready for the charity draw.

It's a six months supply of meat donated by Curtis Meat Market.

Curtis Meat Market, the market where ya can buy meat.

Did you guys get your ticket?

That meat is ours.

We've got the freezer cooling, ready to go.

We'll be eatin' beef until the cows come home.

Did you buy any tickets?

We split one.

[scoffs] Just one.

See, I told you we're not gonna win.

I've never won anything in my life.

Okay, the winning number is--

Everybody, shut up!

--.

I said shut up!

We won.

What?

Lemme see.

Oh, my God.

We won.

We won!

I've never won anything in my life!

Whoooo-hooo-hooo-hooo!

Well, congratulations.

Look at me. I'm doin' the meat dance.

Hey, Brent, you got any, uh, polar bears?

I thought since it's so cold in here maybe you started sellin' 'em.

[laughing]

That's a good one.

That doesn't make any sense. Nobody sells polar bears.

Hey, hey watch out, there! Iceberg! Whoa!

That's a good one, huh?

You know what's gone cold, Hank, is your sense of humour.

Am I right?

Well, I better get goin' here before I start to free-ee...

He's frozen! That's how cold it is in here.

Yeah.

Let's see how frozen he really is.

Hmm, pretty frozen.

I wonder if he'd stay frozen if I took his pants off.

Oh, okay. That's enough of that.

There. My freezer's full and so is yours.

All right.

Now, what about the rest of it?

Oh, come on!

[beep] Whoa.

Just a second.

I think Darren needs to go to the bathroom.

Who's Darren, and how do you know his bathroom needs?

Oh, this virtual pet I found.

Maybe Darren needs a virtual doggie door so he take himself out.

Mm, no, he doesn't have to go to the bathroom.

Darren, what do you need?

[bell dings]

Now he's dinging. What does that mean?

Oh, sorry.

Would you mind taking those plates over to Table since you're up?

It's just that if I don't give him what he wants he gets vewy, vewy sad.

This got vewy, vewy sad a while ago.

We really appreciate it.

No problem. Glad we can help.

So, T-bones, roasts,

spareribs, and chops.

You have a checklist?

Oh, and like you wouldn't?

It's meat, not gold bullion.

Wow. Look at it.

Oh, I'm lookin', partner, I'm lookin'.

Why don't ya take a picture, it'll last longer.

Davis, get a picture of me with the meat, yeah.

I've never won anything before.

Wanda, I have a favour to ask you.

I'm not bussing my own dishes.

No. Can you look after Darren for the afternoon?

Darren? Who's Darren?

Oh, yeah, your robot monkey.

Dog.

Please. Please, it's simple.

Just press this button when he barks.

That's all ya have to do.

[barking]

Here.

Stop buggin' me.

[barking]

[sighs] All right, I'll pet you.

[barking]

Hah, look at your tail go.

[chuckles]

[baby voice] Go get the ball. Yes, go get the ball. Yay.

He got the ball.

Hey, Brent.

Just thought I'd fill up my snowmobile.

Uh-huh.

Because it's probably good sleddin' weather in here.

Man, why's it so hot in here?

'Cause the air conditioner's broke.

What? Oh, man. Now I look like an idiot in this snowsuit.

You weren't comin' off like a real genius without it.

It's too bad.

'Cause I had this whole igloo bit worked up and everything.

It was gonna be awesome, with the--

Oh, man, this is-- this seems stuck.

Gimme a hand.

Okay, pull. Pull.

I'm pullin'.

Okay, not too hard. Relax.

Okay, there we go.

No, I broke it.

But look on the bright side.

I'm not stuck in a snowsuit.

Come off!

Come... off!

Just yelling "come off" isn't gonna work.

Trust me, I tried that on women's clothing when I was in high school.

We'll have to cut ya outta there. We can't. It's Fitzy's.

I-I promised him I wouldn't wreck it.

You borrowed a snowsuit off Fitzy for a lame gag?

And his long underwear.

What? I commit to a joke.

[chuckling]

Thanks so much for taking care of Darren for me.

Sure. Quick question.

How often are you feeding him?

I don't know, a regular amount, or times a day.

He's not a virtual horse. That's why he's so fat.

His health meter was flatlining.

And how was his happiness meter?

Not the point.

How is it?

High. All right? It was through the roof.

He was big fat happy horse dog.

Give him back to me.

Fine, take it.

[beep] Give it back.

No. He's happy to be back with his mommy.

No, he's not. He's scared Mommy's gonna cram more stuff down his bone hole.

Sorry. My TV was broken and I didn't know who to call.

Normally you'd call a TV repairman.

And if that repairman tried to k*ll you or steal your purse,

then you'd call us.

EMMA: Hi, Mertyl.

Hey, Davis.

I did have a prowler around here the other night.

You're welcome.

Karen, meet me at the Leroy house.

We have a situation.

Hey, guys.

Just cooked up some sausage.

Some steaks too.

Yeah, about that, uh-- We wanna see our meat.

What?

Our meat.

Forgive Karen.

It's just I saw you guys cookin'-- Meat locker, now.

All right. Now just let the cooking oil drip down your body.

You'll be able to squirt right outta there.

I don't think it's workin'.

What's goin' on?

The air conditioner's busted and Hank's stuck in that snowsuit.

Really? Well, I know what to do.

Whoo, get that away.

No, this is good. You're retaining water.

You've gotta sweat it out so you can lose enough weight to slip out a leg hole.

You know what might help? Jumping jacks.

Yeah, good idea. Yeah.

One... two... three.

How many of these do you think I should do?

We'll let ya know when to stop.

It's not that we don't trust you.

, , and chops.

It's all there.

Of course it's all there.

How dare you accuse us of taking your meat.

We're sorry. Uh--

How dare you!

I've never won anything before.

The audacity! Okay, Oscar.

Oscar's right.

Help yourself to some meat as a token of our appreciation.

The-the-the-- How dare you!

Take one chop.

Each. One pork chop each, at least.

[sighs] Fine.

Don't.

No.

No jumping.

Oh, okay, jump if you want to. I can't stay mad at you.

What? Is it voice activated now?

No.

He just likes it when I talk to him.

It's a piece of plastic.

Can I say hi?

Sure. He's a little tired.

Oh, my God, you're so fat.

When's the last time you went for a walk?

We haven't really had time for walks.

But he was just jumping.

I'm gonna give him some exercise.

Oh, okay. But don't walk him too hard.

He just had his after dinner snack.

Okay, maybe I overreacted a bit at Oscar and Emma's.

Ya think?

You're right. We've got nothing to worry about.

The meat was all there.

Now are they No.

I bet they're thinking of eating the meat.

Oh, wait. Oscar's eating something.

Is it the meat?

I--no, it looks like bread.

A meat sandwich?

I can't tell.

Here, lemme see.

Whoa, she is hairy!

Wrong house. That's Mertyl.

I think they're onto us.

What?

No.

It's okay, she's gone.

Now they're just throwing paper packages onto the lawn.

That's our meat!

This icing sugar isn't helping.

If anything, it's making the inside of the suit stickier.

Icing sugar? Hah, my bad.

It's supposed to be flour. Here we go.

No. No, that's it. I can't take it anymore.

Get outta my way.

Ooooh.

Oooh.

All right. This gag has gone on long enough.

I guess I can tell ya. The air conditioner's not really broken.

How's that?

I turned it off so you'd stop with your stupid cold jokes.

But then you came in with that snowsuit on.

What am I gonna do, not t*rture you?

You mean I put five sticks of butter down my pants for nothin'?

Not nothin'. It got good laughs.

Besides, turning off the air conditioner is a good way to help the environment.

Brent's right.

And here's another energy saving tip.

Turn off your appliances when you're not using them,

like your TV during commercials or celebrity cameos.

Hey, don't touch that blender! My smoothie's in there.

Maybe this'll help ya cool off.

[zapping]

[hissing]

Is this part of No.

I'm goin' back to your cooler.

You're not goin' in my cooler.

I am.

Find someone else to store your meat.

Yeah, someone ya can trust.

Oh, no, no, no. We trust you. Don't we, Karen?

It's just I've never won anything before.

Stop saying that. How dare you!

Stop saying that!

Whatcha doin'?

Just teaching him a new trick.

Oh. What did you teach him to do?

Um, well, right now he's playing dead.

Oh, isn't that cute?

Wow, he likes to play dead.

How long is he supposed to play dead for?

Uh, oh, that depends.

Depends on what?

On whether he's really dead or not.

Is he dead?

That depends.

Oh, give that to me. What did you do to him? Oh, I don't know.

We drove in the car. He likes the car.

I had other things to do, so I left him there.

In this heat? Did you roll down the window?

No, I did not roll down the windows.

He doesn't even have air holes.

Oh, c'mon Darren, live, dammit live!

We lost him.

A week?

We can't wait a week to get this fixed.

My buddy's got a pound cake bakin' in his long johns.

What do you mean "What does that mean?"

Pound cake, baking, long johns. What part don't you-- Hello?

I can't live like this.

I'm-I'm gonna go to The Ruby to cool down.

At least I'll be comfortable there.

You can't leave me. You gotta stay here and help me fix this.

I don't know if you can appreciate this,

but I am boiling, here.

I'm sorry. I guess I just got caught up my own thing.

It's all right, buddy. Let's just fix this.

You got it.

Okay, go get the tools. They're in the back.

And then meet me outside.

It is stupid hot in here.

Well, well, well,

if it isn't Sergeant Sausage and Officer Pork Chop.

Which one am I?

Have you found a place for your precious meat?

Sure did.

[barking]

Don't tell me all that meat's in the trunk?

No.

We got a roast in the glove compartment.

He's alive!

He's alive!

Well, that is to say I reprogrammed him.

It's not the same.

He's still Darren.

He's just a new Darren, like on Bewitched .

I don't want a new pet.

I want the old Darren back.

[beep]

No. No, I don't want it.

[barking]

Oh, aww.

Look at you.

Aren't you cute.

You're just a little ball a sunshine.

Yes you are, yes you are.

Just don't stuff his face.

Who wants a treat?

Oh, my God, it's all thawed.

Ya have to help us. We're gonna lose our meat.

This is the first time I've ever lost something I've won before.

I have an idea.

Come get your meat, folks. There's plenty to go around.

There's eight pork chops, nine sausages, and eight t-bones left.

Do you want me to check it off your list, Karen?

I thought I'd retire on that meat.

I had meat plans too, big meat plans.

Hey, guys.

Good barbeque, huh?

These sausages are great.

How dare you!

Okay, uh...

Oh, man, I can't-- I can't see.

There's too much sweat in my eyes.

Good Lord, are you melting?

What's your name again?

Brent.

No, no. Your first name.

Uh-oh. You're delusional.

You can't stay out here in this heat.

So hurry up and fix it.

Okay.

I--I can't-- I can't hold onto anything.

Okay, you're gonna have to do this.

Oh, I would catch ya, buddy, but my hands are kinda full

with the ice tea and the freezie.

Hi. Uh, we were here this morning

and we think we left a little virtual pet toy here.

Have you seen it?

Um, no.

[nervous laugh]

No.

Wanda, have-have you seen a virtual, um, uh--

what do you call it?

Pet.

Oh, is it-is it like a kinda blue keychain thing?

Yes.

I haven't seen it.

Here it is.

Thanks, Josh.

Yeah, thanks, Josh.

All right, look. I'll give it back as long as you promise

to take better care of it.

No. You'll just give it back.

Look, all I'm saying is if I hadn't found him

and cared for him, who knows what coulda happened.

And don't leave him locked in the car with the windows up.

For example.

This doesn't seem like my pet.

She did it!

You stuffed him like a Christmas turkey!

Geez, relax. It's just a toy. I'll reset it.

No! Don't k*ll Darren !

Darren? Now I'm definitely k*lling it.

Wait.

Just wait.

At least let us say goodbye.

Whatever.

Run!

Okay, I'm down in front of the boxy thing. Now what?

There should be a fuse, a small silver fuse.

[suspenseful music throughout]

Uh-huh, I see it.

Take it out.

♪

Right?

Now put-put in the new fuse.

♪

Okay?

That's it. [music stops abruptly]

Really?

'Cause I got my wire cutters.

Shouldn't I-- what if I cut one wire?

No, no, no! That'll break it again!

Yeah, well, it's just a little anticlimactic, is all.

Now hit the reset switch.

[motor starts]

Oh, baby, I'm gettin' outta this heat.

Hey, hey. No, Brent.

Oh. A little help?

Thanks for lending me the suit, Fitzy.

No problem. How'd the joke turn out?

Huh?

Ah, yeah, hilarious.

It was a big, big-big laughs.

You might wanna get that cleaned, by the way.

Why are there dumplings in here?

Hi. I'm Lacey.

You probably know me as Lacey from The Ruby.

I'm here to say to remember

to have your virtual pet spayed or neutered.

They'll love you for it.

[beep]

I love you too, Darren .

Mwaah!

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪