06x06 - Good Tubbin

[bunniefuu]

Tub-like too.

Oh, there ya are.

Yeah. Whaddaya think?

About what? You get a haircut?

No, look.

New glasses?

We bought a hot tub, jackass.

Hop in. It's great.

Oh, I'm more of a shower guy, shower-alone type a guy,

more of a not-bath- with-my-parents type a guy.

You used to bathe with us when you were a kid.

You kept crawling out of the tub.

I can't imagine why.

Anyway, I don't have a swimsuit.

I don't have one either.

Another excellent reason to pass.

He's wearing shorts.

Well, underwear, really.

Saves on laundry.

O-kay.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

Karen, Davis,

I present to you the future of community policing.

Is it a robot? I hope it's a robot.

Aw, it's not a robot.

Did you really think it'd be a robot?

I really wanted it to be a robot.

Say hello to Safety Pete.

We're using him to promote Safety Week.

Oh, dibs, dibs! I get to wear him!

Senior officer. I'm wearin' him. That's an order.

Go nuts.

All right!

I want him to inspire kids to be safe.

I like that. And he should have more depth, like a back story.

Maybe he was a cop who was unsafe

and something bad happened to turn him into a safety vigilante

and now he spends his time hunting the man

who k*lled his parents, unsafely.

You sure you won't do this?

Sorry. I have my orders.

So you're off, then, are ya? Well, good luck in your travels

and I hope you're happy wherever you end up.

I'm not goin' anywhere.

Aw, ya big tease.

What's with the hobo getup?

I can't stay at my place right now.

That's right. I heard some lunatic drove through your kitchen.

[crash]

I just didn't see it.

Yeah, those houses can jump outta nowhere.

So drop us a postcard from whatever town you move to.

I'm not leavin' town.

Just planting the seed.

Hey, Brent mentioned you guys got a hot tub.

Yep. Tubbed just this morning.

Coffee in the tub.

Coffee and toast in the tub.

You can't make toast in the tub.

That's in the tub manual. Which we read in the tub.

We love the tub. I can tell.

We're having a hot tub party.

You should come by. We'll tub.

Are you saying there's a party in your tub and I'm invited?

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I'll try and make it. But you have to stop saying tub.

Tub.

Listen, buddy, I need a favour.

Ah, here we go.

Here we go what?

You're not staying at my place. I know.

Don't try and guilt me with this "I know" stuff. I'm not buyin' it.

I just gotta use the bathroom. Can you watch my stuff?

I get it. I watch your stuff and you get to stay at my place.

Boy, you really want me to stay at your place.

Sorry, but I made other arrangements.

Yeah, well, you may have made other arrangements,

but you're not stayin' at my place.

I decided last night,

when I was working on Safety Pete's character,

he doesn't speak.

That's something you should explore more with your Davis character.

You ready?

Are you ready?

I was in character.

Here he is...

Safety Pete.

[dance music]

♪

[applause]

♪

♪

I just hope Hank's all right.

Let him go, Brent.

If he comes back, he's yours. If he doesn't, he never was.

I don't care where he's staying,

I just don't know where he's staying.

Nobody seems to know.

Is Hank staying with you?

[laughs] Good one.

Hank?

Eww.

What kind of a jackass question is that?

Hank?

Are you drunk?

Hank Yarbo?

I'd k*ll myself first.

Yes, he's staying with me.

No.

Uh-uh.

What? Wa-wait. What did you say?

He's staying with me.

With you?

Yes.

Really?

That's like a cobra and monkey livin' in the same house.

I meant mongoose.

A monkey and a mongoose? Man, I'd love to see that.

Throw a badger in there and a ferret,

and one piece a meat.

You're staying at Wanda's house?

Yeah. I told you I had it covered.

It probably gives her some comfort at night havin' a man around.

Comfort's not the word, and man isn't even close.

LACEY: Hello?

Welcome to the party.

Where is everyone?

They all had to go for some reason.

Well, more tub room for the rest of us. Come on, hop in.

Oh, sure.

Oh. Ooo. I didn't know there was a jet there.

Maybe it's not a jet. Then what the hell is it?

Oh, I see what you're sayin'.

Did those other people say where they were going?

[Oscar giggling]

place? There's your puzzle.

Hey, hey, hey. It's the big tubber.

I'm trying to lose weight, okay?

I was talkin' to Lacey.

Oh, great. I really hope that's not a nickname that sticks.

It got pretty hot in the old hot tub last night, uh?

Okay, I'm out.

Please don't go.

Hey, you should come hot tub tonight.

Yeah.

Yeah, but you-you know what? I don't like to over tub.

Makes me too relaxed and then the next day

I'm all noodley and blah, so.

Well, that's understandable, I guess.

Hey, Karen,

ya wanna come hot tub tonight?

We won't be around, so somebody might as well use it.

I'd love to. Can I bring friends?

Sure.

You guys aren't gonna be there?

No, we have to go out.

You should come over tomorrow night

and the three of us can do it together.

You know, the French have a term for that.

Don't even.

I just saw some kids who said Safety Pete was hilarious.

Yeah, but you have to remember, kids are stupid.

Well, I think it's great. Is Davis in?

He's out on a call.

Oh, that's no good.

The school wants a Safety Pete show in minutes.

Grab the suit.

I'm not doing it. I don't know how to do it.

Oh, you do this and you do that and--

kids are stupid, remember?

Look at this.

Hey, cool spaceman toothbrush. I got one just like it.

It is yours. You can't be leavin' your crap lyin' around

like it's Hank's House of Crap.

I can't help it. It's so dark in here at night.

You'll get us caught. You'll blow the whole setup.

You want me to keep the lights off.

Did you wash the floors? A deal's a deal.

Yeah. Can't ya smell it? It's apple fresh.

I used the whole jug.

Of apple juice?

Did I mention it's dark in here at night?

Geez, it's like the floor of a waffle house in here.

I thought I told you to clean this.

I'll do it.

Why are you doin' it?

Because Wanda's bein'-- Generous and hospitable,

letting him stay at my place.

So he's helpin' me out around here.

[mumbling] You know, during the day, daytime hours,

after sleeping at my place.

The important thing to remember is that

I'm sleepin' at her place and nowhere else.

Hey,

I heard you did Safety Pete at the school.

You didn't talk, did ya?

No.

Did you do the hands on the hip thing? Not really.

But that shows you're disappointed.

Then there's the "I can't hear you" gesture.

What you'll find is that they'll say what they were saying louder.

Kids have a lotta fun with it.

Hey, Karen, thanks for filling in with those kids.

Loved the cartwheels.

More than the flips?

You did flips?

You look disappointed.

No, no. Happy for you.

I can't hear you.

Am I doing this right?

Hey, Hank.

Whaddaya say you and I go for a drive?

Yeah, okay. Where do ya wanna go?

Ah, nowhere in particular.

Oh, hey, Wanda. Just out for a drive.

And look, your ol' roommate Hank's with me.

So, can we come in or?

I'm waiting for the second option.

And this is Hank's home away from home.

Mi casa y Hank's casa is what I always say.

Is that what you always say? I never heard ya say that.

So I guess this would be

where Hank has breakfast when he stays here?

Right there in the ol' nook,

the Old Hank Nook, we call it now.

And what would Hank have for breakfast, typically?

Eggs with, um...

[whispers]

potato chips.

Hey, where do ya sleep, Hank?

Uh, I, uh, I sleep where Wanda has me sleeping.

The couch.

The couch? Really?

Geez, that sounds cozy. I'd love to have a look at that setup.

Hey, I thought you were here just to visit.

Don't go in there.

Aha!

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you "aha" something?

No.

I was just mentioning my favourite Norwegian band from the 's.

C'mon, Hank.

Hey, listen, about that hot tub thing,

it turns out I am free tonight, so I'd love to come.

Oh, it's just I've already invited quite a few people

and it might be crowded.

Oh?

I don't know why you'd even wanna come tonight.

I heard you were really into watching Oscar and Emma bathe.

No, I'm not.

Word on the street is the three of you dig it.

Why not leave the hot tub to those of us who don't?

'Cause, you know, I prefer hot tubbing with other people.

So, can I come?

No.

[dance music]

[chanting] Safe-ty Pete! Safe-ty Pete! Safe-ty Pete!

[loud cheering and applause]

[loud cheering]

[cheering]

[quiet cheering]

[sparse cheering]

C'mon, do a flip.

No, a real flip, like you did at school.

[booing]

He wants us to boo louder?

[loud booing]

Sorry.

But from now on, Karen does Safety Pete. Okay?

Okay?

I think he's in character.

No, I'm just sad.

What are you doing here?

Oh, hey, guys, c'mon, jump in, the water's really warm.

Maybe too warm. It's kinda buggin' my rash.

You've got a rash?

She's bluffing. She just wants the tub to herself.

No, no. Unlike Karen, I like to share,

even when I'm not feeling very well.

Ooo, would you mind passing me my Pepto-Bismol?

O-kay. Don't really wanna take a chance on that one.

We're outta here.

Oh, that's too bad.

Sorry, I know you're closin' up. How much for the orange juice?

A buck fifty.

How much for the juice that's only half full?

cents. Wait. What? What's half full?

I'll just take a full one. And these race car slippers?

Where'd ya get those? Behind the magazine rack.

I'd of gone for the pyjamas, but they were the wrong size.

Check these out.

Cool. I got a pair just like that.

Behind the magazine rack. Right. No. I'm stayin' at Wanda's.

I know you're sleepin' at the gas station. Dammit!

And P.S., I sold your slippers.

EMMA: Yoo-hoo, Karen, we're home early.

Hey, it's Lacey, our favourite tubber.

Let's get our trunks.

You know, sometimes we get the sense that people

don't like to hot tub with us.

That's crazy.

What isn't to like?

Would you mind passin' that to me?

Pepto-Bismol, the champagne of diarrhea medicine.

Okay, keep sippin'.

Lick--lick the cup.

It's not that great.

It's not that safe either.

In fact, you probably--

Ssshh. You're wrecking the show.

[dance music]

That's awesome!

[cheering and applause]

I need your advice on a private matter.

Oh, you mean that weird hot tub thing with you and Oscar and Emma?

Okay, more of a public matter.

I'm caught in this weird hot tub triangle.

Do you mean hot tub triangle

or "hot" tub triangle?

I'm serious. They want me to hot tub with them all the time.

It's creepy.

Hey, Lacey, we need to ask ya somethin'.

Cue the exit music.

[imitating funk music] Bow, chica-bow-bow. Chica-bow. Bow, chica-bow-bow.

Listen, we heard you chased Karen and the others away

so you could hot tub alone with us.

Now, that's a A lot weird.

That is not true.

Karen left all on her own after I pretended to have diarrhea.

I am not weird.

Now you're acting out.

That's understandable. You're hurt.

Who's hurt? You think I'm weird, I think you're creepy.

It's all great.

Good. Because we're having a party tonight. Please don't come.

I won't come.

Because we don't want you there.

Well, I don't wanna be there.

[imitating funk music] Bow, chica-bow-bow, chica-bow-bow,

wah-wah-chica-bow.

Safety Pete to the rescue!

Oooh!

Safety Pete away!

Yeah.

What are you doing?

I was thinkin' it would be better if Safety Pete talked.

And I don't think Safety Pete should do flips.

It's not in his character.

The flips are the best part of the show.

Sure, if you wanna pander to an ill-informed public.

Tell Karen she has another show tomorrow at the Post Office.

That arm twirl thing's a lot harder than it looks, ya know?

Why didn't ya just ask if you could crash at my place?

I didn't wanna impose again.

Otherwise you might think I was some kinda bum or drifter.

You thought sleepin' on the floor of a gas station

would make ya seem less like a drifter?

This isn't so bad.

I don't want ya staying here.

I'll find ya a place to stay, just not here.

The visit's going well, don't ya think?

Lovely.

Well, I suppose--

Another coffee? Don't mind if I do.

[Hank yawns,

Man, I gotta crash.

You guys keep talkin', though. I can sleep through anything.

Ah-ah-haa-aah.

Ah, ah, what?

I'm gonna tuck in my roomie.

Thank you.

[suspenseful music]

♪

All right, fine, I'll let ya turn in.

I'm just gonna be out in front of your house

sitting in my car drinking coffee. Is that cool?

It's very cool.

It's the coolest thing I've ever heard.

Just forgot to say goodnight.

Goodnight.

Well, this is a dud. Why didn't anybody come?

Ha!

What do you want?

No one came, did they?

Because they know you're creepy, frisky tubbers.

You're the freak show!

They didn't come because they were scared you'd show up.

And they were right.

Well, now that you're here, ya wanna come in?

I mean I am wearing my bathing suit, so.

Hit the jets on the way in, weirdo.

[snoring]

Hma!

Okay. Oh, yeah, oh.

Couch time's over. What?

Back to the gas station.

And make sure the floors are mopped by morning.

What? Uh, I don't have the key.

[bang]

Oh, geez. Can we at least turn on a light?

Don't be stupid. If you turn on a light-- [crash]

BRENT: Here, let me get the lights for ya.

Oh, my God.

I must have been sleepwalking. Don't wake me.

You drove here asleep? That's not safe.

The jig is up. Your roomie blabbed.

All right, you win.

Guess I'll have to suck it up and let him sleep here.

Goodnight.

Whoa, whoa. Nice try.

He's not sleeping at my place of business or my place.

Enough! Geez, I'm not some kinda charity case.

I'll find my own place to stay.

You got keys to The Ruby?

I'm not even sure if it's locked.

Night. Night,

[cheering and applause]

[chanting] Safe-ty Pete! Safe-ty Pete! Safe-ty Pete!

[cheering and applause]

Do the flip!

What's goin' on?

Watch this. Karen's gonna do a big--aw, crap, it's Davis.

I just thought you'd put on weight. Oh, real nice.

Davis,

what are you doing?

[laughter]

Fine. But you're probably gonna hurt yourself.

Ssshh. You're wrecking the show.

[chanting] Safe-ty Pete! Safe-ty Pete!

Are you sure you wanna do this?

[crowd groans]

Ow!

[groaning]

Ah, I think I broke my [beep] leg!

Ho-ly [beep]!

I think what Safety Pete is trying to say

is that you should never try a stunt like that,

especially if you're an idiot.

Mother Murphy [beep]!

Son of a [beep]! Owww!

Hey, keep it down out there.

Some of us are tryin' to sleep!

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪