06x10 - Shirt Disturber

[bunniefuu]

Hey.

I, uh, thought I'd donate some of my clothes.

It's quality stuff, so--

Well, old or new, we appreciate any donations.

Oh.

Ah, wait.

I'd actually like to keep that.

Oh, sure, sure.

Oh, yes. Oh, that's nice.

You know what?

That actually complements the shirt, so I'll take that too.

Yeah.

Actually, is there somewhere where I could just try this stuff on?

Okay, I like this combination. I'm gonna keep these as well.

The rest I'm donating.

So you're donating the bag?

You took everything back.

It's okay if you want to keep them.

No, no, I-I came here to donate some clothes

and that's what I'm gonna do.

And the jeans.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Can I please have five minutes alone with my jeans?

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪,

[scoffs] Officer Second Class.

I got mine when I was .

I just turned .

Whatever. I'm just sayin' I don't make a big deal of it.

Officer Second Class?

Actually, that spotlight's a little off.

I worked really hard on the course.

I think it's nice.

Whatever you say, Rookie.

And you can't call me Rookie anymore.

Fine. Senior Rookie.

[Wanda chuckles]

Check out the geeks at this comic book signing.

It's like nerdapalooza.

I don't think they're all geeks.

Peter Moore is a pretty respected comic book artist.

Ah, c'mon.

They're all middle-aged guys with glasses and no wives,

no girlfriends, and you're going, aren't you?

Yeah. He's coming to Regina this Saturday.

And I'm taking this copy of Dr. Spike and the Doomsday Five.

It's a first edition of a limited run,

very rare 'cause of the misaligned registration marks.

That came across a little nerdy.

A little? It's like I was hit with a nerdal wave.

Now let me guess. You're taking Yarbo the Wonderputz.

No, don't tell Hank.

He's always really embarrassing at these things.

Hey.

What's that?

Ah, cool. Vintage Dr. Spike.

Hey, Brent,

why don't ya tell Hank about some of your weekend plans?

Oh. Well, I'm-I'm going to the city for an eye appointment

and Wanda has Monday off.

Oh.

[chuckles]

Davis just said Karen made Senior Rookie

and I thought it would be great if we got her something.

Maybe we could go in on a gift together.

Your group gifts suck. No, they don't.

People love my group gifts.

Who's this from, again?

All of us.

It's a group gift.

At any rate, I already got her a gift, my gift,

one that you can't get in on, that's just from me.

Fine. Your loss. Guys, wanna go in together on--

No.

[reading] Good day, Sir. Hello, Ma'am.

How safe do you feel in your neighbourhood?

I'd feel safer if we had a police department.

Home Guard has partnered with local police forces

to offer you not only an alarm, but peace of mind.

Smile assuringly.

[raspberry]

You should now be inside the customer's home.

I'm sorry. Can I start this over again?

Hey.

You'll never guess who's coming to Regina to sign his latest comic book.

Peter Moore! We have to go.

Hey, hey, wow. Yeah, how'd ya find out about that?

It was weird. I got this anonymous phone call.

Hello? Hello.

Wanda?

Oh, uh--

[male voice] This is an anonymous phone caller letting you know

that Roger Moore, the comic book writer-- You mean Peter?

Yes, Roger Peters. Peter Moore?

The comic book writer guy. He's coming to Regina this weekend.

Too bad I can't go because of my eye appointment.

I know you don't have an eye appointment.

I figured that much out.

[male voice] Also, Brent was lying about the eye appointment.

[chuckles]

[Wanda's voice] The hanky trick works great.

I thought you wanted Monday off?

I'll just call in sick.

Have fun in the city.

Why'd ya lie to me?

[sighs] I don't know.

I guess I figured it was the best way

to keep ya from comin' with me.

No offence, you're a bit of a boob in these situations.

No, that's fair. So are we taking your car or my truck?

That way we save on gas.

You never pay me for gas.

That's how I save on gas.

Good morning.

Coffee?

What are you doing here?

I'm here to prove a point.

This could have been a burglar bringing you coffee.

Home Guard Alarm Systems offers you security and affordability.

If we buy one of these stupid alarms off ya,

will ya get out of our bedroom?

Yes.

Fine. We'll buy one.

All right!

You guys still want the eggs?

Ohh, thanks Josh.

It's from me and Fitzy.

Group gift. Group hug?

No.

Open my gift next. It's that one.

It's an individual gift. I bought it myself.

Ohh?

It's a teapot.

Uh-huh.

Now open mine.

Oh, wow. I love it.

Thanks, Wanda.

When I saw it I thought, "That sweater is so Karen."

That's mine.

You got in on two gifts?

No. It's just from me.

I can't believe we're gonna see Peter Moore.

Do ya think he'll like my impression of Dr. Spike?

Hhhe-hhe-heh-heh-hhennhaa.

See, this is exactly the type of stuff

I don't want you doin' in front of Peter Moore.

Yeah. I guess it's more like,

zzz-zzz-za-zzzaaa- ring-rrinahh.

Okay, we're gonna have some ground rules.

No impressions, no comments, no questions.

In fact no talking. Just-just wave to him.

Show me how you're gonna wave.

You know what? No wavin'.

The number code activates the motion detector.

Then you got seconds to get outta the house. See?

Easy as pie. Got it? Got it.

Good. Now you give it a try.

[alarm blaring]

That is easy!

Holy. Wanda was right. Check out this pack a dweebs.

Excuse me. Do you guys know where the line starts?

No, sorry. We just got here ourselves.

Okay, thanks.

A lotta nerds here, huh? [laughs]

I just love this. But it looks expensive.

I hope ya didn't spend too much.

Seeing the smile on your face makes it worth whatever I paid.

Oh, you're a pal, Wanda.

I know where you got that sweater.

I got it at a store?

Yeah, but you left out one detail. A thrift store.

I left out a lotta details.

It was a white building, linoleum floors,

smelled like old cabbage.

I donated that sweater to charity, you know,

not to cheap gas station attendees.

Cheap?

Thrift stores aren't just for cheap people.

Do you have a pair a jeans that would go with this?

It's just weird seeing other people wearing my clothing.

So you're fine helping people if you don't have to look at

the poor slobs that need the help?

You don't need help. You're just cheap.

Well, if that's the way that you feel,

then I'll just take back this cent tip I was going to leave.

, ...

, , and arm!

[beeping]

Did you turn off the coffee maker?

Just leave it. It could explode.

It won't explode, it's decaffeinated.

Open it. Open it. I can make it.

C'mon, woman.

[beeping]

What did I come in here for?

Turn off the coffee maker.

It's not on.

Then get outta there.

[alarm blaring]

Jeepers cripes!

There's no doubt you're a senior rookie.

I know that and you know that.

But we're cops. We're constantly on the move. Seconds count.

I think we should drop the word senior.

It's two syllables. How much time is that gonna save?

The difference between life and death.

I could be halfway through saying "senior" and be sh*t.

But who'd blame me?

[beeping]

Ah, dammit. I gotta go.

See ya in a bit, Rookie.

Oh, man, I can't believe Peter Moore's actually here in the flesh.

Stay cool. He's only human. He eats, sleeps and breathes

like the rest of us so don't be freaky and weird.

We're up. Hi, Peter. I'm huge.

Fan, I'm a huge fan.

It's nice to touch you in person. Meet, not touch.

Not that it wouldn't be nice to touch you.

I've been shaking your hand too long.

Hey, check this out, Dr. Spike. Hhheer-re-heer-reenhaah.

Sir, we have a long lineup here.

Oh, oh, okay. All right.

Well, catch ya on the flip side of the comic book page.

Okay. Well, that went better than I thought it would.

I was a little nervous, but I don't think he noticed.

Hey, you didn't get What?

Damn!

You threw me off.

It just went off, no rhyme or reason.

And we were out by seconds, weren't we, Emma?

Probably less.

I must say, you were pretty slow getting here.

Well, the alarm company had to notify the Police Department

that there was a break-in.

Well, I informed myself.

Wanda, I want you to get my sweater back from Karen and--

oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Hi, Lacey.

That is my shirt and those are my jeans.

They are?

How awkward for you.

You're doin' this on purpose.

No. It's a small town, not many people,

so this is bound to happen, a complete fluke.

And this.

Anything else Lacey donated?

Those are good clothes.

I have worn that combination to a dinner party and a poetry slam.

Oh, I can see why. They are really, really comfy.

No. You're gonna wreck the bottoms like that.

Oh, I was gonna make shorts outta them anyways.

[beeping]

Quick. Wait, wait.

What's the code again? It's Brent's birthday.

How am I supposed to know that? November th.

January, February, March, April--

Eleven. There is no eleven on this thing.

One, one.

[alarm blaring]

Now usually you wouldn't set the alarm

to move the sprinkler.

It's more for longer trips, vacations,

times when you can't see the door of the house.

What if I'm outside raking the lawn,

but my back's to the door so I can't see it?

Don't use the alarm.

What if I'm-- I'm gonna get the groceries.

[alarm blaring]

Hi. It's kinda funny, but I forgot to get you to sign this.

Who should I make it out to? Me.

Your name?

Yes.

What's your name?

Not now.

No, he wants your name. Just be cool.

I got a lotta autographs to sign here, so--

Okay. Well, if you could just--

Sorry, we're gonna have to stop the autograph session.

So, to recap, you're cool and I'm a boob?

Now you're wearing my blouse.

Hey, do you think I like doing this?

Yes.

No.

Maybe a little.

But I'm only doing it because I'm so very, very cheap.

Nice blouse. Oh, you mean this old thing?

That's my old thing, and she got it at a thrift store,

same place she got that sweater you're wearing.

You got this at a thrift store?

Oh, no. She didn't tell ya? How awkward.

There's nothing wrong with getting a gift

from a thrift store.

Right, Karen?

No.

That's an awkward no, though, isn't it?

No.

Good day, Ma'am. Good day, Sir.

I'm a representative of the Home Guard Alarm System.

[alarm blaring],

Oh, for cryin' out loud.

I didn't do anything.

[alarm continues]

[alarm stops]

What about my peace of mind?

What about mine?

Here we go.

Some skirts, pants, a couple of sweaters, a crimping iron.

Sweaters and a crimping iron?

Is Twisted Sister doing a show at the curling rink.

No, I heard you'd fallen on hard times

and I wanted to help you out.

Who said that?

It doesn't matter who said it. I did.

The point is, there is no shame in accepting the charity

of good-hearted people when money is tight.

Money is not tight. I'm just cheap.

Oh. So much pride.

It's a good thing you didn't take me along for the signing.

I mighta done something stupid like spill coffee all over Peter Moore.

Oh, wait, that was you.

Well, at least we got our comic signed.

No, we didn't, because of you. Yeah, I get it.

Now the upside is that we didn't get escorted

embarrassingly outta the building.

No, we managed to fit that in as well because of you.

All right. It's not my fault.

Who keeps their coffee on a table?

Hey, isn't the car this way?

Yeah. But Peter Moore's hotel is this way

and we're not leavin' till we get his autograph.

Good idea. What are ya gonna spill on him this time?

Well, I hope you're happy.

One hour without the alarm

and already someone's stolen the crimping iron.

It's not stolen. I donated it to Wanda.

You hear that?

Kind of a whirring noise.

You sure it's not your brain starting up?

Oh, let's see how funny you are with a k*ller in the house.

If I check it out, will you stop bugging me?

Good idea.

I'll wait here.

Hi. Someone didn't finish this sandwich,

so I thought you might want it.

They barely touched it, just a bite off the corner,

but I cut that off.

Aw, how thoughtful.

But I'm afraid if I eat it,

an hour later you'll want it back again.

Hey, Wanda.

Word on the street is you're needy or something,

so I thought you could use this stuff more than I can.

Here's your sweater back.

Oh. Isn't that wonderful, Wanda?

And here's the teapot.

You're givin' her my teapot?

I don't need any of this. I am doing just fine.

You wanna see my portfolio?

Double-digit returns.

Then why are you wearing Emma's sweater?

I like the ducks.

Hi. I wonder if you could tell us what room Peter Moore is staying in?

I'm sorry. We're not allowed to give out that information.

Apparently there was a bit of an incident at the book signing.

Some crazy fan threw coffee at him.

I didn't-- I mean thank you.

There he is.

Okay, just play it cool.

Peter!

Hey, Brent! I'm not crazy!

Hey, what are ya doin', readin' a book?

Yeah, I figured I'd study up for my Officer First Class.

I'm on a roll.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's the rush?

You just graduated to Second Class.

You should enjoy this.

I say no more books.

I get the feeling somebody's threatened by this.

Threatened? [laughs]

Why would I be threatened?

It's no big deal.

I've got my own First Class certificate at home.

Wow, Officer First Class.

Oh, don't touch it.

I think you're the one who's threatened.

By what?

[ringing] I gotta answer that.

Hello?

There's someone in the house.

Oscar, it's nothing. Goodbye.

Now where were we?

You were bein' a moron.

[ringing]

They're coming down the stairs.

This is it.

Oh. It's just Emma.

False alarm.

Stop calling me.

[ringing]

Oscar! It's Emma.

The house is clear.

I repeat, the house is clear.

Just a quick autograph! I'm a big fan!

I'm have all your comics!

We could be friends!

I'm not a stalker! I know your birthday!

Mr. Moore, I-I wanna apologize for my friend.

He's not a bad guy, just a bit of a nerd is all.

Could you just please sign a comic book for him?

I'm not doing anything for that lunatic.

But I'll sign one for you. You just saved my life. Oh, that'd be awesome.

So, uh, what was your name again?

Brent.

I thought his name was Brent?

No, that's Hank.

Crazy Hank they call him, a bit of a layabout,

likes to hang out at my gas station.

I own a gas station. I'm Brent Leroy.

Is that with two r's?

I think so, yeah.

Here ya go.

I'm donating all this to the thrift store because

[loudly] I'm not cheap and I'm not a charity case.

What a lovely teapot.

I'll take that.

I don't think so.

That would just be weird, someone I know ending up

with something I donated to charity.

Okay, fine, you made your point.

It should go to someone deserving.

What a lovely teapot.

I'll take it.

This the teapot you wanted?

Thanks, Sal. Here's your sandwich.

Hey, why is there a corner cut off?

Whaddaya call this thing-a-mahoey again?

It's called a Home Smart Alarm.

Karen can show you how it works.

Sure. You just take the number of people in the house,

multiply that by, uh, how scared you are,

add the number of doors,

then press A-C,

which stands for access code.

And there ya have it, zero chance of break-ins.

And it's a Oh, yeah.

It gives off a high-pitched sound that only burglars can hear.

That is smart.

And it's a Casio. They make good stuff.

That was close.

Thanks, Davis.

Well, it wasn't my idea. Thank the rookie.

I mean senior rookie.

No, that's plenty.

Oh, hey, Brent. Did ya catch him?

No. He scattered like Cockroach Man

in the final chapter of Doomsday Five.

Excuse me, sir. Peter Moore left something for you.

Peter Moore? Are you sure?

[whispered] Yes.

Yes.

Unbelievable. He autographed this book. Wow, awesome!

Nerds.

Uh, what's it, uh, what's it say?

"To my dear friend, Brent Leroy."

He spelled my last name wrong, but that's no big deal.

"Stay in touch.

Thanks for keeping your crazy friend away from me."

Ah, I'm sorry, pal.

I'm sure he doesn't think you're actually crazy.

Yeah, he's a little off the mark there.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪