06x16 - Crab Apple Cooler

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hey, Lacey, wanna go to the bar later?

Oh. All we ever do at the bar is sit and watch TV.

On a good night there's nuts.

You got a better idea?

Back in Toronto we used to have Games Night.

We could do that.

Fly you to Toronto to play games with your friends?

That would be awesome. But no. We could have a Games Night here.

We could play euchre. Euchre? I hardly know her.

Or Twister.

Twister? I just met her.

Or maybe we can just play charades.

Charades?

I hate charades.

Charades it is.

Good thing I didn't say poker.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

Look at this.

Potato chips?

Potato craps. Soggy, stale potato craps.

Ooo, nothin' worse than stale chips.

Although I did break my leg once. That was painful.

Yeah, but you didn't pay a buck for a broken leg.

I'm sick of gettin' screwed by the Man,

in case the Potato Chip Man.

So I am writing a scathing letter.

Well, you just ring me up and I'll get outta your hair.

What do they think?

Do they think they can just treat me like dirt?

Do they think they just ignore the needs of their customers?

Where do I write to complain about the service here?

Hey, look, Old Man Hafford's crabapple tree.

A lotta good memories by that tree.

See ya, Hank.

That was the summer you realized you could fly.

Uh, I can't fly.

What?

Well, then, who was that kid?

I'm gonna guess you're thinkin' about Superboy,

Superman when he was a boy.

Right, yeah.

An honest mistake.

No, we used to sneak in there, steal the crabapples, and throw them at the trains.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, we should do that again, you know, for old times' sake.

Okay, let's do it.

On the count of three.

One, two, three!

Oh, my groin! Ow! I cracked my knee!

Hey, guys.

Hey, Lacey.

You pull your groin?

Yeah.

And finished.

I'll just send that off.

Chew on that, Crispy Spuds.

[grunts]

Maybe I should write to Zoinks Cola.

Yeah, you should write to those jerks and let them know

you're not gonna put up with their--

What's your beef with Zoinks Cola?

Their cans have these wee small tabs

and my thumb always hurts after I open 'em.

Opening your cans

is like opening a grenade full of razor blades.

What are you doing?

Writing your letter?

No. No, no, no. Don't get them mad at me.

No. You're mad at them .

And as your friend--well, similarly enraged consumer--

it's my duty to hold them accountable.

But I just don't wanna come off too strong.

Maybe sign it, "Respectfully yours, Davis Quinton."

"And may you all roast in hell.

Respectfully yours, Davis Quinton."

Okay, let's pick teams.

All right, why don't you two go together?

Karen and I? No, you and Oscar.

Why don't you go with Oscar? You're married to him.

That's exactly why I don't wanna go with him. What's wrong with me?

Come on, we're here to have fun.

Let's draw straws.

Whoever gets the short straw gets stuck with Oscar. Stuck?

Oh, we don't mean stuck, we mean end up with.

You gonna pick that one?

Best two outta three?

How come I don't get a breadstick?

Maybe we're gettin' a little old for jumpin' fences.

You did pull your groin.

That's got nothin' to do with gettin' old.

I pulled my groin when I was nine.

When I was one, I threw my back out reaching for a rattle.

Old Man Hafford was Old Man Hafford when we were kids,

and now he's really Old Man Hafford.

Maybe we should just leave him in peace.

In peace? Don't you remember when we were kids he'd steal

anything that went over his fence?

I lost my brand new Flying Ring.

Oh-ho, my groin!

You lost your Super Spiral Football.

Oh, yeah. That old fart's got my football.

All right, let's run over there,

jump the fence and grab his apples.

Yeah! Only maybe we should walk over there

and use the gate in the fence.

All right.

Come on, Brent.

I just wanna be clear.

Book.

First word.

The Count of Monte Cristo.

Nice one, Oscar. That's two in a row.

You guys are cheating.

No, we aren't. That's one of my favourite movies.

Okay, your guys's turn.

Movie.

What is that?

It's the same thing, only faster.

Rowing.

Washing clothes.

I said it was a movie.

No talking.

Do something different.

It's still the same thing.

I don't know what else to do.

No talking.

Okay, that's time.

What was it?

Chariots of Fire.

How is that Chariots of Fire?

I was on a chariot. Look, see? I'm racing a chariot.

Oh, you guys, you should really try cheating.

Heeey.

Notice anything different?

Wow. Someone got hit with a truck full of swag.

I got this hat and this cooler, thanks to you. And Zoinks Cola.

It's a twist off.

Thank you.

Mm. See?

That's the power of consumer advocacy,

and some very choice swear words.

So?

So?

So what'd ya get from Crispy Spuds?

What didn't I get?

You got nothin'.

Try the opposite of that.

I got the satisfaction of knowing that my voice was heard

and that I made a difference.

I can't believe you got nothin'.

I'm sure something's coming.

MALE VOICE [from watch]: It's Zoinks Cola Time!

♪ Zoinks Cola! ♪

This is the other thing I got.

Did you stretch? Yep.

Your groin?

Oh right.

Okay, I'm ready.

This is great. Yeah, just like old times.

Yeah.

We used to have a code word in case of danger. What was it?

Run!

No. Was it Piccadilly? Uh, Piccadilly Circus?

It was pepperoni.

Too bad you won't be able to use it, 'cause I caught ya.

All right, so ya caught us.

Us?

So, what are you gonna do with this punk,

throw him in jail?

Well, normally -year-olds raid crabapple trees

and we drive them around, scare 'em a bit

and tell them they're makin' bad life decisions.

But in Hank's case, he's already done that.

She's right.

All you're gonna do is just drive him around in circles?

Well, if I arrest him, it's a buncha paperwork for me.

And they are just crabapples. They grow back.

That's the problem with you cops, you're all soft.

You leave him with me.

I'll make sure he works it off.

And I don't have to do any paperwork? Deal.

I'll take the jail time, uh, if it's okay with you two.

Let this be a lesson to ya, Hank. See ya.

No, Karen, uh, don't leave.

Uh, uh, Piccadilly! Piccadilly!

Pepperoni, ya idiot.

Oh, uh, hey, Davis.

Hey, Crispy Spuds came through.

Oh, yeah. Pretty sweet jacket, huh?

Yeah, it reminds me of the one you used to have.

Yeah, well, that's the style. Right?

Kinda the retro thing, di-distressed.

Remember I spilled mustard on the sleeve?

Yeah, well, this is a different one.

What else did ya get?

What else?

I got a watch, a hat, a cooler--

I got a cruise!

Get out!

Yeah, a cruise, a Hawaiian cruise,

touring the Hawaiian chip factory.

You know, it turns out that's why the chips are soggy.

Humidity.

So tell me more about this cruise.

God, I'd love to, but I just-- oh, so much to do. You know?

Gotta pack, get my sh*ts. Anyways, see ya.

Hey, you got a hole in the back of your jacket.

Your old one used to--

Aloha!

You're horrible.

It's just this all the time. That's all you did.

Books, movies, TV shows, it's all this.

Well, you made me nervous.

You just sat there saying, "What's that? What's that?"

You keep askin' me questions.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Team Loser.

Is that what they call themselves? No wonder they lost.

We're switching teams. I'm not playing with Ms. Rowboat anymore.

It was a chariot.

All right, I'll take Ms. Rowboat.

You and Lacey Aw.

I mean that's great.

It's great.

So you're not gonna talk to me?

Look, that's the code. It's been like that since we were kids.

If you see trouble, it's every man for himself.

He called the cops. Now I gotta work it off for the next couple days.

Oh, that sucks.

You know what he made me do?

Okay, I picked the crabapples.

Good. Now I want ya to eat 'em.

All of 'em?

Every single one, startin' with the rotten one.

You should be vomiting apples too right now.

You're right. And I feel terrible.

You didn't squeal on me, did ya?

No. I was too busy throwin' up.

Good. And I feel terrible. I still feel sick.

Let's take this outside.

Um, washing dishes.

You're, uh, spanking a baby.

Come on, you're worse than Karen.

Well, maybe it's you that sucks at guessing.

Julius Caesar.

I know what she's doing.

So do I. Julius Caesar.

It is not Julius Caesar.

No talking.

I can't help myself with her.

See?

Time's up.

It's Driving Miss Daisy.

How is this Julius Caesar?

It's Shake...Spear.

Oh, you are truly awful at this.

Hey, check this out.

I'm good. I just had a muffin.

No, look. Half the kernels aren't popped.

An optimist would say half the kernels did pop.

I was thinking you could start the letter somethin' like,

"Dear Stupid Jerks. Go suck an egg."

You don't wanna push this complaining thing too far.

No one likes a squeaky wheel. These companies talk, ya know?

They do?

Oh, yeah. There's pretty much only three corporations

that control everything.

There's Chrysler, Fox TV, and Campbell's Soup.

I thought there would have been more.

Nope. You complain to Campbell's Soup about your popcorn

and see what happens next time you buy a Dodge Ram.

It's just that you're so good with words,

especially the foul ones.

Oh.

I suppose I do know how to turn a phrase.

Ah, I guess Chrysler won't be too upset

if I crank one more out for old times sake.

"Dear...

Sonsabitches."

That's the spirit.

Are you still mad at me?

Look, I feel bad, and not because I watched ya barf up

two and a half gallons of rotten apples.

I lost your trust as a friend.

So I wanted you to know, on your behalf

I got Old Man Hafford back.

But I'm still workin' for him.

Oh. forgot about that.

You're not gonna make me eat all of it, are ya?

Nope. I just want ya to put it back onto these.

Free toilet paper is free toilet paper.

Our turn.

This should be good.

Oh, you're one to talk.

No talking.

I can talk if I'm not charading.

I just don't want ya talking.

Okay,

here we go.

Ah, just gonna go with it.

Cheers.

Yep.

Hah-ha!

How was that Cheers?

It's Woody, cuttin' limes, right?

Exactly.

Can I switch partners?

and share the wealth.

Wow. All this from Uncle Ricky's Popcorn?

Thanks to your letter, Wanda.

Now, I know your microwave's broken, so...

You have to wait a little while to eat this,

or you can come by the police station

and use my new microwave.

Too kind.

See ya.

Geez, that rots my socks!

Whoa, language.

I got Sergeant Crybaby a microwave, a cooler, a watch,

and I haven't got sweet diddly squat

from that stupid chip company.

Oh, I don't know, that pretend cruise sounded kinda nice.

Time for another letter.

I get Oscar next time. It's my turn.

Lacey and I do have a certain qu'est-ce que c'est.

Nuh-uh. He's my partner now. I am keeping him.

I've never had him. He should be my partner.

Ladies, ladies, please.

There's only so much Oscar to go around.

I'm only one man.

Now, who should I bless with my gift of the guess?

I suggest you pick me, or you can guess

where you're gonna sleep tonight.

And so it shall be, My Sweet. Sorry, Lacey, Karen.

I am spoken for.

Hey, Emma, help me out here. Which do you like better?

"Soulless sociopathic corporate automatons"

or "gutless sacks a crap"?

I'm not sure.

Maybe because I have no idea what you're talking about.

I'm writing a letter of outrage to the CEO of Crispy Spuds.

DAVIS: Why would you write another letter to Crispy Spuds?

They've been so good to you.

Daa-vis. Oh, I...

Yeah, you gotta stay on top of these guys.

I just found out that I only get to tour

the plain chip area of the factory.

The salt 'n vinegar area

and the whole ripple chip wing are off limits.

Unbelievable.

I'd go with sacks a crap.

Whaddaya think you're doin'?

Yeah, what are ya doin'?

I'm helping a friend clean up this mess,

which was obviously made by teenagers,

because that's what friends do.

Yeah, that's what friends do.

Is there a problem with that?

That's fine with me.

When you're finished with the yard, you can clean up the shed.

Then I guess you're done.

Hello.

Check it out. Here's what I found in Old Man Hafford's shed.

Your old Flyin' Ring. Awesome.

Yeah, your Super Spiral Football's there too.

Cool. Whe-where is it?

It's back in the shed.

What? Old Man Hafford was comin'.

And he's got that cane.

And we're all familiar with my groin situation.

You woulda done the same thing.

Ow. My neck.

I think I napped on it wrong.

What? What did ya take a nap for?

I always nap before a big charade.

How do ya think I'm so alert, refreshed?

Ow!

Call off the charades.

We're gonna have to loosen you up.

How's that?

Is it helping the pain? You feeling looser?

A little.

Good. I'll get ya another bottle of medicine.

"We apologize for not responding sooner

"and we hope you accept this carton of chips

and these cans of Campbell's soup as compensation

for your inconvenience."

Good for you.

I guess this is the icing on the cake, then,

what with the jacket and the cruise?

Or was there somethin' else? A week-long unicorn safari?

Let's just say it pays to be persistent.

You do know there was no cruise, right?

Yeah. It's sad, really.

That's why I sent the box of chips and the soup.

But why soup?

Brent, Brent, Brent.

Let me tell ya about the big three. Fox Television...

Catcher in the Rye.

That's it! Nice one, partner.

You're not nearly as bad as Emma says you are.

Okay, it's our turn now. Oscar, you go first.

Doopa-de-doo. [chuckles]

What game are we playin', again?

Charades.

Are you okay, Oscar?

Feeling good, my friend, feeling really good.

[chuckles]

Here we go.

[imitates electric guitar]

Is it a song?

Nope. [giggles]

How did ya get so out of it? I only fed ya two beers.

[laughing] Well, you're not supposed to drink anything

when you've had painkillers.

You're on painkillers?

I think I'm gonna lie down for a minute.

Come on, give me something, anything!

Do something!

Apocalypse Now.

That's time.

Wow. Emma, you really are a bad guesser.

That was obviously the Titanic.

Bingo!

I knew you'd come around to seein' it my way.

Yeah, well, we've been friends for too long

to be mad over a football.

Exactly.

There's a valuable lesson to be learned here.

It's a pretty nice football, though.

Yeah, I guess.

Super grip spirals,

neon stripes.

So, just to review, you're no longer mad at me?

What did ya do to the gate?

I jammed it. Show me the football.

C'mon, man. Show me the football.

There. Now open the gate.

Pepé Le Pew! What?

Where do ya think you're goin'?

Fine, ya caught us.

Us?

I hope you like crabapples, because I thought

the two of us could get a bunch and go throw 'em at trains.

Really?

Nope.

I'm gonna make you eat four buckets of them.

And that's four.

Well, that wasn't as satisfyin' as I'd hoped.

You got any more?

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪