06x01 - Harbor Division

[bunniefuu]

FEMALE DISPATCHER ON RADIO: One-Adam-. One-Adam-, a in progress.

One-Adam-, handle code .

[SIREN WAILING]

-You ready? -Yeah.

-What were you looking at? -Where?

You were looking at the work book.

If you already know, what are you asking for?

You just seemed like you were looking for something special, that's all.

-It's a secret, huh? -It's no secret.

I just wanted to see who's off on Thursday night.

REED: Fine.

One-Adam-. Day watch, clear.

FEMALE DISPATCHER: One-Adam-, clear.

Say, Pete?

Yeah?

You're off Thursday night, aren't you?

I thought you had a date with that new girl.

The librarian, what's her name? Yvonne?

That's true. I'm off Thursday night and I have a date with Yvonne.

But Yvonne is sick in bed

and I promised I'd come over and fix dinner for her.

So I'm stuck with two tickets that I have to sell.

That's it. Okay?

What are they for?

Maybe I could take 'em off your hands.

You wouldn't want 'em.

What's the matter with them? Bad location?

[CHUCKLES] Oh, it's a play, right?

Why don't we just forget it?

Yeah. Fine.

FEMALE DISPATCHER: One-Adam-, One-Adam-.

See the man. business dispute.

Marine filling station, B Street and dockside.

-Code Two. -One-Adam-, roger.

DECKER: Are you gonna hand it over quietly or am I gonna have to take it away from you?

Keep away from this box.

You lay a finger on this box and you'll end up doing a headstand

on the bottom of the bay.

All right. That's it. Break it up.

Who called the police?

Police? I didn't call no police.

I did.

My name is Rod Decker.

I'm Joe Johnson.

This is my property

and I want this nut put off my premises.

You were pretty happy to have me around until I caught on to you.

Okay, let's just calm down.

Why did you call us?

Officer, this guy's a crook.

You ought to throw him in the cage.

The sooner the better. As far as I'm concerned.

Why, you creep. I ought to bust your head.

All right, cool down.

Officer.

This man is a forger.

I want him locked up.

Look, Mr. Decker, nobody is going to get locked up till we find out what happened here.

So why don't you take a deep breath and tell us?

Well, I've been buying gas here for a long time.

Same as a lot of other guys.

But about six months ago the place changed hands

and this guy took over.

I began to notice my monthly bills were getting a bit higher.

Sometimes $, $ a month.

You sure your beef isn't with the computer that sends out the bills?

Yeah, I thought of that.

So I started checking over my receipts.

I found a couple of 'em that were dated when I was out of town on business.

I couldn't have bought gas then.

Maybe your wife did.

A lot of wives buy gas here.

I pulled in today for gas and handed him my card, like always.

Then I pretended to go to the men's room

but instead I watched him through the window.

You won't believe what happened next.

You just won't believe it.

Try me.

Well...

He put my credit card through that machine twice.

Makes two slips from my card and he throws the extra slip into that box.

He's been double billing me, get it?

Then after I'm gone,

he signs a phony amount on one of those slips.

Puts in the date.

Then forges my name to it and sends it in to the oil company.

What do they know? They think it's me

and then they send him the extra dough.

He's lying.

I'm too smart to try a stunt like that.

You're so dumb I'm surprised you thought of it.

I tell you he's lying!

Listen.

I want to file a charge for false arrest.

Nobody's been arrested yet.

That's easy enough to fix.

Make him open up that box.

There isn't a thing in that box I wouldn't show to the U.S. Supreme Court.

Then I guess you won't mind if we take a look.

You keep away from that box!

Big sh*ts!

Big sh*ts with your big boats!

Throw a working man in jail for a few lousy bucks.

So what if I did fake a couple of credit slips?

It was only a few lousy bucks a month, you cheapskate!

Don't call me cheap.

You're the guy who stole the few lousy bucks.

Pete, about those tickets. You never did tell me what they're for.

I know.

I don't get it. Maybe I could take 'em off your hands.

What'd you pay for them?

Nine bucks a copy. Eighteen bucks.

Eighteen bucks.

They're for the ballet.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

I know what you're thinking

and I didn't get pushed into this by some girl.

I've always wanted to see the ballet,

I've just never had the chance before, that's all.

Sure.

Maybe I can put an anonymous ad on the bulletin board.

[HONKS]

What's the matter, Officer? Was I speeding?

I couldn't have been speeding.

See, I got this box on top of the car.

Yeah. We noticed.

Oh, you noticed. [LAUGHS]

That's funny. That's very funny.

You've really got a sense of humor, Officer.

Can I see your driver's license, please?

Yeah, sure.

We pulled you over because the box is loose.

It's about to fall off.

Loose?

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

I wouldn't want that to fall off.

Need a hand?

No, no. I mean, thanks a lot, but I can handle it myself.

You guys go right on ahead.

I'm sure you have much more important things to do.

Here you go.

Thanks.

He seems pretty anxious to get rid of us.

-Yeah. -What do you think?

I don't know. I don't think it's hot.

Neither do I. Before a guy'd steal a TV set that big,

he'd have to steal something to haul it home in.

-Stolen or not, something's funny. -Yeah, let's see where he got it.

Mr. Stewart, you should have had that set delivered.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I was in kind of a hurry to get home.

I wanna watch the game tonight.

Where'd you buy the set?

Oh, down the street.

There's no TV store down this street.

Well, it wasn't exactly a TV store.

Well, exactly what was it?

It was a bar down at the waterfront.

And there was this longshoreman in there?

Yeah. How'd you know?

He just happened to have this television in the trunk of his car.

Yeah, that's right.

But he didn't steal it.

See, when they loaded the freighter in Japan,

somebody made a mistake and didn't list this particular set

on the bill of lading.

There's no record of it.

I'll bet there isn't.

Well...

There's no sense in turning in a color TV set that there's no record of, right?

-Is that what he said? -Yeah.

This is a big screen color TV set.

It's worth bucks at least.

But he sold it to you for $.

$.

Say, what's going on? How come you guys know all about this?

Why don't you open the box?

Gee, I don't know. It's a factory sealed carton.

That's what makes it such a good deal.

Well, you already own it, right? So what's the harm?

You're gonna have to open it sometime.

What are you guys up to?

I don't have to open this carton and you can't make me.

He's right, Jim. It's his business.

Let him find out later.

Find out what?

Look, will you help me bring it down?

Be careful with it.

I got a Kn*fe here.

STEWART: Hey!

Hey, what's this?

It's a used picture tube.

I've been swindled!

That lousy crook robbed me.

It's a pretty common bunco scheme around the docks.

Well, what can I do about it?

I'm out bucks.

We'll take a report, Mr. Stewart, but I doubt that you'll get your money back.

But it only happened about half an hour ago.

You mean you guys aren't gonna go out there

and try to find him? You're not gonna do anything?

We're gonna look for him

but you met the guy in a bar, Mr. Stewart.

You paid him in cash.

And if he's like most bunco artists,

he's holed up in any of the hundred cheap hotels.

What do you think we ought to do?

Don't leave it here in the street.

WELLS: "Two choice tickets to the ballet.

"$."

The Nutcracker Suite,no less.

Who's selling tickets toThe Nutcracker?

Sweet.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Gentleman, I regret to say

our culture lover prefers to remain anonymous.

I read further.

"If interested, sign your name below and you will be contacted."

WOODS: In other words don't call him, he'll call you.

WELLS: I wonder why our resident highbrow wants to unloaded those dockets?

Maybe he needs the money to buy two tickets to the flower show?

[ALL LAUGHING]

The only way a guy is going to sign that board

is if he was Muhammad Ali or d*ck Butkus.

Well, as this may come to you as a shock,

but there are actually some people in the world that enjoy art.

He's right, Ed. How come you haven't tried it?

What do you know?

Under those simple blue uniforms

b*at the hearts of two true patrons of the arts.

All I'm saying is that there are more ways to spend an evening

besides sitting around in your undershirt

drinking beer and playing nickel limit poker.

Pete, my boy, as a true culture freak,

my suggestion is that you put your money where your mouth is.

They're only $.

Buy the tickets yourself.

I can't buy 'em myself.

Why not?

Because I'm the guy who's selling 'em.

I don't get it.

You just finished a seminar on fine arts

and now you're telling me you're backing out.

Why don't you do me two favors?

One, don't buy the tickets.

And two, don't help me plan my lifestyle.

Come on, let's go.

Don't go away mad, Malloy.

Listen, I'd snap up those ballet tickets myself. Honest, I would.

Trouble is, I've got nothing to wear.

My tutu's at the cleaners.

[ALL LAUGHING]

One-Adam-. Day watch, clear.

FEMALE DISPATCHER: One-Adam-, clear.

I checked the ad that you put up yesterday.

MALLOY: Mmm-hmm.

I noticed nobody's signed up for 'em yet.

You have a very keen eye.

I know how you feel, Pete. But that little, uh,

scene that you had yesterday,

that's probably the best thing that could have happen to you.

At least now it out in the open.

Boy, you're a regular Pollyanna, aren't you?

Always looking at the bright side.

Now you can get out and hustle those tickets.

Well, you do want your $ back, don't you?

I want it back, all right.

I'm just not so sure now that it's worth it.

-Green Chevy? -Yeah.

One-Adam-, requesting wants and warrants

on Ocean Charles Sam.

FEMALE DISPATCHER: One-Adam-, Ocean Charles Sam.

Standby.

One-Adam-, Ocean Charles Sam,

no want or warrant.

REED: Looks like they live there.

MALLOY: I wonder why they're acting so hinky?

Backup.

They left the motor running.

MALLOY: Police. We'd like to talk to you a minute.

What's the matter, Officer?

May I see your license, please?

Gosh, I must have left my wallet in my other pants.

What's your name?

Grimes. William Grimes.

Where do you live, Mr. Grimes?

Why, right here. My wife and I were just going home.

What's your address? I mean the numbers.

What's the matter, Mr. Grimes, forget where you live, too?

Say, what is this?

What are you trying to do, trap me?

You seem to be handling that job all by yourself.

Pete.

Just stand right here and don't move.

He says his name is William Grimes.

She says it's George McKayle.

Probably neither one.

Hey, how long you guys figure this summit meeting's gonna last?

Why don't you DMV the car and see what you come up with.

FEMALE DISPATCHER: Attention all units. A occurred minutes ago

at the liquor store, Sutherland,

by one male and one female Caucasian, age to .

Suspects escaped in a green Chevrolet sedan,

license Ocean Charles Sam.

Hands on top of your head.

REED: They just held up a liquor store. Turn around.

MALLOY: Move down here, lady.

Put your purse on the ground.

No nibbles on your tickets yet, huh?

Not yet.

Well, I wouldn't be too discouraged.

I'm sure everyone in the station knows about 'em by now.

Thanks.

No, Pete. That's good. That increases your chance to sell 'em.

You gotta knock on doors to make sales.

Then I've got nothing to worry about

because I'm sure by this time Wells has knocked on every door

in the division by now.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

One-Adam-, requesting wants and warrants on

Ida Zebra King.

FEMALE DISPATCHER: One-Adam-. Ida Zebra King. Stand by.

One-Adam-. Ida Zebra King. No wants, no warrants.

Oh, goodness, Officer,

-when I heard your... -Why don't you step up on the curb?

Oh, yes, well.

When I heard your horn I thought you must be chasing a bank robber or something,

so I pulled over.

That's the law, isn't it?

-Yes, ma'am. -I always obey the law.

Well, let's say almost always.

Oh! Is something wrong?

Your right turn back there.

Ah! But you're allowed to make a right turn on the red light in California.

That's the law, too.

I know because I'm a stickler for the rules.

That's because I'm a Libra. [LAUGHS]

My friends think I'm much, much too conservative.

May I see your license, Miss, uh...

Huntington. Ida Huntington. Yes.

I have it right here.

Oh, dear.

There it is, Officer, right there. Thank you, sir.

Well, Miss Huntington, it's true that in this state

you can make a right turn on a red light...

Yes, that's right.

...but only after a complete stop

and only if you don't impede the flow of cross traffic.

I'll have to cite you.

I told you, we Librans are sticklers for rules and regulations.

Yes, ma'am, but you didn't come to a complete stop

and you didn't yield to oncoming traffic.

You almost sent one guy up a telephone pole.

Well, he was probably a Sagittarian.

They're quite reckless, you know.

But you're not going to give me a ticket.

Not for just a tiny thing like that.

Miss Huntington, you broke the law and almost caused an accident.

Don't be ridiculous.

Nothing like that could happen to me today.

I did my whole horoscope and today is my lucky day.

Now, could I have an automobile accident on my lucky day?

You could run into some poor guy whose horoscope says it's his unlucky day.

Sign here, please.

I don't understand.

The stars are never wrong

and today is supposed to be my luckiest, luckiest day.

[SIGHS]

Thank you.

[SQUEALS]

Thank you, Officer. Thank you.

This ticket.

My lucky day is the th.

Yes, ma'am.

Well, right here, on the ticket, see where you've written the date.

Today's only the rd.

My lucky day isn't till tomorrow!

Oh, I knew the stars couldn't be wrong. They never are.

Imagine me getting the date wrong like that.

Thank you, Officers. And have a happy day.

Now I know who you are. The uniform should have tipped me off.

You're the little bluebird of happiness.

Funny how some people are really into that horoscope stuff.

Yeah.

What do you think of it?

Who, me?

I'm a Capricorn. Everybody knows Capricorns don't believe in astrology.

[g*n f*ring]

Backfire?

Let's check it out.

[g*n f*ring]

One-Adam- requesting a backup unit. , man with a g*n. sh*ts fired.

Suspect in the crow's nest of a boat, B Street and Waterfront.

[SLURRING] Come on out and fight like men, you lousy rats.

Police! Put that r*fle down!

Go home! This is a private fight!

I said put that r*fle down!

I told you, leave me alone!

Go catch a burglar!

Sounds like he's been in the sauce.

Tag two!

One-Adam- to One-L-, go.

MACDONALD: What have you got, Pete?

A . So far he's fired a couple of sh*ts.

The way he's waving that r*fle around

I think it's more likely that he'll sh**t himself than anybody else.

MACDONALD:Okay. Try and talk him down.

Put that r*fle down before you get yourself blown up.

Turn the barrel the other way and come down to the deck.

Wonder what wound him up?

You never give up, do you, Cookie?

For three months at sea,

you've been trying to poison us with your rotten cooking.

And just 'cause we didn't die of ptomaine

you grab a r*fle and try to blow us up.

You hear that?

I've been listening to that for three months.

Every meal.

I'll go get the g*n.

I take it you're the cook.

Was the cook, you mean.

No more.

I didn't notice any of you guys missing any meal out there.

You griped and groused three times a day

but you never left nothing on your plates.

If the sharks had to live on your table scraps,

they'd have starved to death.

Why don't you face the truth, Cookie?

Some people just don't have the talent for gourmet cooking.

Yeah. Every time you cook chicken,

we can't seem to find any seagulls.

Let me at those bilge rats.

I'll break 'em in half.

You've already had a busy day.

You mean you're taking him to jail?

Aw, Cookie didn't mean any harm.

He always does this when we come into port.

He goes into town,

gets into the old firewater

and starts brooding about what a bad time we've been giving him about his cooking.

Then he comes back to the boat and threatens to k*ll us.

Sure.

This is the first time he ever got a hold of that shark r*fle.

Usually it's locked in the g*n case.

When he's sober he's harmless as a baby.

Officer,

we sail again in six weeks.

Do you think he might be out by then?

It's up to the judge.

But if you guys come to court and testify for him it might help.

Thanks, sir.

Hey, Cookie!

While you're in the slammer, you ought to get them to teach you a trade.

Cooking.

[SAILORS LAUGHING]

"Cooking."

Say, Malloy. Could I see you for a minute?

-Sure. -Alone?

I'll see you later.

It's about those ballet tickets. Remember?

Yeah.

Well, I told my wife about 'em and she...

Well, to make a long story short,

I'll take 'em off your hands.

But you're too late, Ed.

Somebody else's wife got to him first.

Really?

Who was it?

Come on, you can tell me. Who's the sucker?

Say, Pete. Did you ever get change for that ?

Oh, yeah.

-There you go. Two bucks. -Right.

Wells...

Don't you want me to tell you who bought the tickets

so you can needle him in your own inimitable style?

[INHALES DEEPLY]