01x12 - Laughing Boy

[bunniefuu]

[bright orchestral music]

- Letter to Loretta,
starring Loretta Young.

And welcome to Miss Young's living room,

I'm your announcer, Bob Wilson.

And I'm very proud to
present the star of our show,

Miss Loretta Young.
[audience applauding]

- Hello, oh my it's nice
to be back with you again.

You see my husband and I
sneaked in a little vacation.

And to me one of the nicest
parts of any vacation

is the talking about it afterwards.

One of the high point of our trip,

was seeing our beloved
fried Rosalyn Russell

in her smash Broadway
success, Wonderful Town.

She is the toast of New
York, and now I know why.

It's because behind all
the glamor and brilliance

of her stunning performance,
and believe me it is.

There shines that deep and
steady glow that is Roz herself.

Good, kind, humorous Roz,

oh my she wears her success beautifully.

Our letter tonight is
from a girl named Patsy.

Dear Loretta, she writes,
one of my girl friends

keeps telling me that I
shouldn't let people "use me"

the way they do.

She keeps asking me, where is my pride?

She says, Joe for instance,
is making a fool of me

because he doesn't even call up for a date

until the very last minute.

And that I shouldn't accept
him because he'll think

I'm just sitting around
waiting for him to call.

Playing eager beaver.

[chuckles]

Personally Patsy, I've
never seen anything wrong

with being eager, I think it's a very warm

and complimentary way to be.

However, I think the important
phrase in this letter is

that Joe is making a fool of me.

Of course, none of us relish that idea.

However, let's not jump to conclusions.

First, I want you to meet some people

and I want you to notice
the man particularly

because I think he has the
right attitude about this.

And I'm going to let him
tell it in his own words.

[upbeat music]

- [Man] Well it was this
way, I was just walking along

aimlessly, k*lling time in a strange town.

Some of the scenery was first rate.

But I had so many worries on my mind

that I didn't pay much attention.

Then all of a sudden
things began to happen.

- Thief stop, thief, stop.

[dramatic music]
stop, stop.

Thief.

[whacking]

[playful music]

Hey!

Will you, oh.

Oh you poor.

- Did that tramp get away?

- Yes, yes he got away but don't worry,

there wasn't anything very
valuable in my bag anyway.

- Now I find out.

- Here, let me help you up.

You know, next time you
better let me do the fighting

and you watch, huh?

- Comedy, that's what I
need, plenty of good comedy.

- You're hurt.

- How could you tell?

- Well,

listen you better come back into my house

and rest for a little while,
it's right down the road here.

Come on I'll help you.

Up you go.

Hey, don't you want to take your coat off,

it's all full of blood
and dirt and everything.

- it's on the shirt too.

- Oh.

- Okay?

- Huh?

- Okay if I take the shirt?
- Oh yes, yes,

sure take it off, you'll
be more comfortable.

[dramatic music]

- I don't understand, you're a powerhouse.

And yet that little tramp b*at you up

and got away without a bruise on him.

- Yeah, you're forgetting one thing,

you're forgetting his knuckles.

- [Loretta] Huh?

- I'll bet his knuckles are
bruised something fierce.

I'd rather not talk about it.

- But I don't understand
something, you're such a big fella,

- I can see I'm not
going to have a choice.

I did a lot of unsupervised weight lifting

when I was a high school kid.

- Oh?

- Made me musclebound.

- Oh.

- Musclebound men are too
slow and clumsy to be any good

in the scrap.

- Is that so?

- Furthermore I got a glass jaw.

- Oh.

Gee, it must be
embarrassing being beaten up

by smaller men all the time, huh?

- It is embarrassing,

that's why I'd rather not talk about it.

- Oh, well I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, what do you
want to talk about, huh?

- Well the shirt and coat,
you think there's any chance

of getting the blood off them?

- I don't know, I think it'll
take a professional cleaner

to get these stains out.

- Oh that makes it nice.

In an hour I've got to
see a man about a job.

Blood all over the clothes ought

to make a wonderful impression on 'em.

- Your eye is getting
black all around there.

- Every little bit helps.

Do you suppose you could
arrange a whiskey breath.

- Well I think my father

usually keeps a bottle in the kitchen.

He won't mind.

- I'll come with you, I don't
want to be alone by myself.

- Oh come now, it can't be that bad?

Surely you have some other
clothes to change to.

- But I haven't, I only
arrived in town today

and my suitcase was either
lost or stolen on the train.

- Well can't you buy yourself a new suit.

- My traveler's checks
were in the suitcase.

- Oh, if ever a man should
have a drink, you should.

And right now.

There you are.

- Well, I don't see how
things could be any worse.

[whacking]

[playful music]

- [Loretta] Oh.

Oh.

- I know you'd never do a wrong thing Kay

but imagine how I'd felt.

- Oh dad, dad, he's coming to.

Here let me help you up.

There you go.

Oh I'm terribly sorry.

But my mother and father
came in so quietly

I didn't even know they were there.

I want you,

say, what is your name?

- Stone, Walter Stone.

- This is my mother and this is my father.

This is Walter Stone.

- I'm please to meet you Mr Stone.

- Are you all right?

- I'm fine, never felt better.

- I guess there's still plenty
of life in the old boy Edna,

I must be twice his age
but I knocked him out

with a single punch.

- Oh dad, you wouldn't
have knocked him out

except he's got a glass jaw.

- Well I didn't hit him in the jaw,

I hit him in the back of the head.

- All right, so it's turning
out I've got a glass head too.

And I'll be running along
now, unless your wife

would care to go a few fast rounds.

- Well you don't have to be
so bitter about it, Mr Stone.

- Anyone having the kind
of day I've been having

has got a right to be bitter.

- You come right back here and sit down,

right there and relax.

Dad you're going to want
to help this young man

when you find out his problem.

- [Walter] I just sat there,
too numb even to think

while Kay told her folks my troubles.

Then finally,

- [Dad] Mr Stone, I say Mr Stone.

- Uh-huh?

- What kind of a job are you after?

- I'm a newspaper man.

[laughing]

- What's the matter?

- I can't help it, it sounds so funny.

A muscle bound obituary editor.

[laughing]

- [Loretta] Mother.

- You think I should try another line?

Prize fighting maybe?

- [Mom] No.

- I came here because I
understand there's an opening

in the local paper.

- There is?

Well, Pat Moore the
publisher's a friend of mine.

- Oh.

- I'll tell you what, you
march right down there

and tell Pat Moore I sent you.

He'll give you the job.

- He's supposed to march right
down there looking like that?

Dad, you're almost as big as Mr Stone,

and you've got plenty of suits.

- See here young lady, I.

- What a wonderful idea, Kay.

You know I think your gray gaberdine

would look fine on Mr Stone.

- [Dad] Well I don't and furthermore.

- I think the brown
tweed is better for him.

- I will not lend him a suit.

- Let's go upstairs and
see what we can find.

- You hear me, I will not lend him a suit.

- A little short for you,

but other than that it'll be all right.

- Oh rats.

[playful music]

- Well, you look very nice Walter.

Doesn't he dad.

Oh dad, don't worry,

we'll see to it that you get that job.

- I don't know how to
thank you for everything.

- Ah, that's easy.

Just drop by the house
tonight after dinner, huh?

- You want me to call on you?

- Sure.

- Oh, I mean you've already
seen the gravy stains

on my shining armor.

- Nonsense, I think you're cute.

- Cute?

- Mmhmm.


- Okay.

- Fine.

I'll see you later.

[bright music]

- It didn't make any sense,

a beautiful girl like
Kay Coughlin interested

in an overgrown slob like me.

But that was just the first surprise.

The second surprise came
after I'd landed the job,

eaten a beanery dinner and
returned to Kay Coughlin's home.

[doorbell rings]

- Looked at him and said, very funny.

[laughing]
very funny.

- You must be Walter Stone?

Kay's told us all about you.

- I didn't know it was a party.

- Come on in and meet everybody.

I'm Stacy Smith.

This is Audrey Shaw.

- How do you do?

- Hello.

- Marshall Milliner.

- Hello Walter.
- How do you do?

- Kenny Bruckner.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- And last but not least at all,

Kay's big moment Paul Boston.

- Please to meet you Stone.

I wanted to thank you

for rescuing Miss Coughlin this afternoon.

- Huh?

- [Paul] I say I want to
thank you for rescuing.

- Oh Walter, well I'm
so glad you could come.

Would you like to dance?

This is my favorite record.

Oh here let me put your hat over there.

- What's all this about my rescuing you?

- Oh, well it occurred
to me you wouldn't want

everyone to know that you were beaten up

by an eensy little tramp.

- A little, little, little
tramp, not teensy weensy.

It's bad enough the way it is.

- So I just changed some of the details

when I told them about it.

- Oh, and instead of the
tramp knocking me out,

I knocked him out, is that it?

- You knocked them out.

- Them?

- There were three of them.

- Oh.

Well, big fellas?

- Oh they were bruisers.

- Well that'll teach 'em not
to pick on a defenseless girl.

- [Loretta] Oh, ouch.

- Excuse me.

- That's all right.

Walter there's a beautiful moon outside.

Would you like to come out
and sit on the porch with me?

- Oh, what about your
boyfriend, won't he object?

- Well, who cares about him.

- I do, I've lost enough
blood for one day.

- Hey look, what kind of a
coward are you anyway, huh?

- A bruised, sensible coward.

[laughing]

- Come on, come on.

Hey, sit down.

Why not?

- I'm musclebound sure,
but not in the head.

- What do you mean?

- You're only making a play for me

in order to make your boyfriend jealous.

- Well that's ridiculous.

- He's probably one of these guys

that won't get off the dime

and you mean to use competition

to yank a proposal out of him.

- [scoffs] Preposterous.

- [Walter] Is it?

- No.

No it isn't.

But if you mention one
word of this to anybody,

I'll just.

Well, I'll get my nine year
old cousin to come out here

and b*at your brains
out, that's what I'll do.

- I won't say anything.

- You won't?

- What's more I'll do my
best to make him jealous.

- You will?

- You helped me get my
job, it's only right

I should do you a favor in return.

- Oh, Walter.

Oh Walter, you're sweet.

- It's not so much that I'm sweet,

it's just that I don't want to tangle

with your nine year old cousin.

- Oh you, I'll tell you what I'll do,

I'll go and get us some punch
and then I'll be right back.

[soft music]

- [Walter] During the next week Kay

and I saw each other almost constantly.

We'd heard that her boyfriend, Paul Boston

was getting blue with rage.

And I guess that's why she was
in such spirits that Sunday

when we went on a picnic
with her mother and father.

[laughing]

- Don't you ever laugh,
Walter, or even smile?

- When I don't have a split
lip, they call me Jolly Wally.

- When did you last not have a split lip?

- I don't remember.

- Must you two always squabble.

- I'm the only one here
he's not afraid of,

he's always picking on me.

- Come on Laughing boy, let's
see how you can row a canoe

on that lake out there.

- Remember, those are
my slacks you're wearing

so kindly don't drown.

- I swim like a seal, a dead seal.

- [Loretta] Come on!

- You know you're not fooling anybody Joe.

You're really getting very
fond of Walter aren't you?

- Nonsense.

Though I admit to feeling
a little sorry for him.

- Sorry for him, why?

- Because he's let himself become a party

to this cold blooded female scheme

to hook Paul Boston into marriage.

- But you will cooperate tomorrow night.

- Well what's tomorrow night?

- Monday, oh you know how
Paul Boston always takes it

for granted he's going to
dine with us on Monday night?

Well this time he's in for a big surprise.

- Can't we get to the point Edna?

- Well Walter's coming to dinner too,

he's going to put on a big act for Paul.

Pretend he's taken over
Paul's place in our lives.

- Sort of a climax to the
jealousy build up, is that it?

- Hmm.

- You know something Edna.

- What?

- Laughing boy is being
awfully cooperative.

Almost too cooperative.

[playful music]

- [Walter] Monday was
D-day, H hour was on hand,

then M minute and finally S second.

[doorbell rings]

- The string!

- Come in, come in Paul.

- Oh you.

- We've been expecting
you, make yourself at home.

- Oh, hi Kay how are you?

- Oh hi Paul.

- Why don't you sit over here?

- Thanks.

- Mrs Coughlin will have dinner
ready for us in a minute.

Won't you Mother Coughlin.

- Just two shakes, hello Paul.

- Mrs Coughlin.

- If you like Daddy Coughlin
will mix a drink for you

while we're waiting.

- Dad?

- Would you like a little something Paul?

- No thanks.

- I would.

[tense music]

[chuckling nervously]

- Oh,

uh.

Boys, boys.

- [Walter] Throughout dinner
I entertained the company

with a series of colorful
lies about my exploits

as a reporter.

All the while Kay played up
to me for Boston's benefit.

By the time coffee was served,

his eyes were calling me dirty names.

- It must be wonderful to
be in the newspaper game.

You meet so many interesting people.

- Not always.

- I better clear the table.

- Don't bother with the
dishes Mrs Coughlin,

Kay and I will do them.

- Oh I'll help to.

- Kay and I always do them alone.

- You stay here, with Daddy Coughlin.

- We won't be very long Walter.

- You've got him awful mad,
considering the way you fight,

you're the bravest man I know.

- He starts any trouble
with me, I'll give him

the same treatment I gave
to those three tramps.

- Paul was on the boxing team at college.

- He was?

- So I'm glad you're wearing
your own clothes for a change.

- More coffee?

- This is kind of fun, isn't it?

- Well, doing dishes is
always a great sport.

- What I mean is you and I
doing the dishes together.

- Oh.

- Why don't we do 'em
together every night?

I don't have an engagement ring with me

but if you say the word why I'll buy one

the first thing tomorrow morning.

- Oh, of course Paul.

- Oh, one more thing Kay,

would you mind telling
that lumbering Ox out there

that you're my fiance and he's
to stop hanging around you?

- Yeah, yeah, I'll tell him right away.

- Good.

- Walter, there's something
I have to say to you,

will you please step
out on the front porch?

- Sure thing.

[soft music]

so the plan worked?

- He proposed.

- You don't seem very happy about it.

- I,

the let down I guess.

I just never took the let
down into consideration.

I,

well you see I always thought that I'd be

the happiest girl in the world
if Paul ever proposed to me

and

well instead I,

feel as if I'm ready
for the poison hemlock.

- Order two straws.

I may join you.

- Were you kind of hoping
I'd fall in love with you?

- Isn't everyday I meet a beautiful girl

with a father who's clothes almost fit me.

- Oh, Walter.

You've been just so
wonderful about everything,

I just feel terrible.

- Oh it's my own fault,
for aiming so high.

- What's going to happen to you now?

- I suppose I'll meet a girl
of my own sort and we'll,

- Oh for heaven's sake where
are you ever going to find

a muscle bound, female, obituary editor,

there just is no such thing.

- Oh now just stop, a bride
to be is supposed to be happy.

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, oh Walter.

Walter can you ever forgive me for, well,

using you?

- Of course.

[soft music]

- [Loretta] Oh.

- Your fiance.

- Oh Walter.

- He's watching.

- What?

- Slap my face.

- What?

- Slap my face, not too hard.

- Was this big ape annoying you Kay?

- Well what if I was?

- Well I?

- Oh now, boys, boys, please, please.

- Its all right, it's
all right, I'll let him

get away with it this time.

- Now just a minute.

I don't think you're as tough

as you'd like people to believe.

- Oh yeah.

- Oh now wait a minute,
darling, please don't fight,

you know you're going to get hurt.

- Don't worry Kay, the bigger they come,

the harder they fall.

- She wasn't talking to
you, she was talking to me.

- Were you talking to him?

- Well, uh,

- Well were you?

- Yes, yes I was.

- But you, you called him darling.

- Yes I did.

- Let me at him.

I feel like I can lick
my weight in rabbits.

- Walter don't.

- It's okay, Kay.

- [Kay] Walter no, Walter.

Walter stop that.

Stop stop.

No stop it Paul.

Stop.

[shouting]

[playful music]

Walter!

Father.

- [Walter] When I came to,
Kay was patting my head.

- Walter.

Walter.

Ah,

- How did I do?

- Oh you were magnificent, he
never even laid a hand on you.

- Well what happened
to my jaw, it feels as,

oh.

- Well it was an accident,
I couldn't help it,

my elbow, it got in the way.

Oh Walter, can you ever forgive me?

- That depends, where's your fiancee.

- Oh he's gone gone forever now.

- In that case, I forgive.

[laughing]

- Oh Walter.

- Look Edna, he can smile.

It's Jolly Wally himself.

- Darling, will you kiss me again?

- All right.

Careful of my jaw.

- Oh yes.

[romantic music]

Well Patsy, see what I mean about Walter.

He was no fool, may have looked
like one for a little while

but he got the girl.

Seriously though.

No one can make a fool
of us, except ourselves,

and always it's false pride.

And over exaggeration
of our own importance

that makes us behave like fools.

Actually Alexander Pope,

the witty poet, expressed it this way.

Pride is the never failing vice of fools.

Good night.

[orchestral music]